Dealing with wife's affair.

[S2B]

Speak for yourself.

 

I began living a blissful life after I divorced! I get to do what I want, with who I want, for as long as I want, wh never I want!

 

I didn't get to do it that way while I was married for 23 years - that's for sure!

 

Its really sad how the institutionalization of marriage has made things so unnatural and terrible. Infidelity complicates it even further. This is what I mean by the duality and hypocrisy of society. We have made rules and also made it possible and "acceptable" to break our own rules. We have strict laws against murder, but no strict laws against infidelity that literally murders our mental and emotional states. Almost every other person is divorced. Its really a pathetic situation. I don't mean to be judgemental, but were you a betrayed too, or were you the wayward?

 

We have evolved terribly as human beings, from the apes.

 

 

I was betrayed too! Why blame me? I never cheated.

 

 

I gave you a pep talk - some things to look FORWARD to - to make you see it CAN be happy - even after I had spent my entire adult life married and was nearly 50 - I had to pull my boot straps up and START living a positive life again!

 

Then you turned a pep talk into a pity party - stop doing that.

 

 

Was it hard? Yes! It was damn hard! But I didn't want to lay down and die.

 

My best outcome? I'm living a very happy life and he is still very broken and still cheating on his next wife now! I'm glad it's not me living in that misery anymore!

 

If you stay - blame yourself because you know this is your wife yet you don't leave her. So that choice is only on you because you know she isn't planning to change!

 

You either get BUSY living or you get busy dying. Make a choice and take steps that implement that change. Make positive steps every single day toward that goal with or without her.

 

IF you stay married to her - I suggest you find activities that keep you busy outside the home every evening (with and without your kids). This way you build a life worth living that isn't focused on what she is or isn't doing! You find various ways to get interested in people and productive projects!

 

You need to get busy being happy without her. I did it - you can do it too!

Edited February 5, 2016 by S2B

[Just a Guy]

I am surprised this thread is still ongoing. Naively Sensitive seems to be someone not prepared to accept the good advice given to him and neither is he prepared to take proactive action against his wife and move on with his life. Rather he seems to enjoy wallowing in self pity and railing against everything from society to the world at large, his wife and so on and so forth. I do not think any one on this forum can help him because he is enjoying himself in a sick kind of way by engaging in fruitless discussions with whoever will oblige him. If he is this kind of person may be it is best his wife is estranged from him. Probably she will do better with someone else.

I am sorry to be so negative about a poster who has come to this forum for help but the fact is yhat OP has been sabotaging his own recovery and is just not prepared to move forward. May he find peace!

[BetrayedH]

I am surprised this thread is still ongoing. Naively Sensitive seems to be someone not prepared to accept the good advice given to him and neither is he prepared to take proactive action against his wife and move on with his life. Rather he seems to enjoy wallowing in self pity and railing against everything from society to the world at large, his wife and so on and so forth. I do not think any one on this forum can help him because he is enjoying himself in a sick kind of way by engaging in fruitless discussions with whoever will oblige him. If he is this kind of person may be it is best his wife is estranged from him. Probably she will do better with someone else.

I am sorry to be so negative about a poster who has come to this forum for help but the fact is yhat OP has been sabotaging his own recovery and is just not prepared to move forward. May he find peace!

 

Meh, "Enjoying wallowing in the self-pity?" I'm doubtful. I tend to think that it's fairly normal, to be honest. It's not healthy. But it's normal.

 

If NS manages to detach from his wife, I bet his tune will change considerably.

 

Just my guess. It took me a long time to give up.

 

It was relieving when I did. But it took me a long time nonetheless.

 

I applaud his efforts to save his marriage. It was a noble effort. But there comes a time when it's time to change your perspective and approach. I can only hope he's there. It's time to reclaim himself. I don't think he should be ashamed of what he's attemped. Most of us take very similar actions. But it's time to change course. We'll see if his wife comes along or not.

 

Regardless of what she does, NS needs to be ok with the outcome. Life will go on.

[katielee]

and I'm guessing he's pedaling as fast as he can because he's a traumatized co-dependent. This seems typical to me. Although he does need to get healthier and he knows this... but he needs to get to the place where he can. I've been there.

[merrmeade]

Meh, "Enjoying wallowing in the self-pity?" I'm doubtful. I tend to think that it's fairly normal, to be honest. It's not healthy. But it's normal.

 

If NS manages to detach from his wife, I bet his tune will change considerably.

...

It took me a long time to give up. It was relieving when I did. But it took me a long time nonetheless.

...

I applaud his efforts to save his marriage. It was a noble effort.

...

Life will go on.

very important takeaways from this. good job, BH.

 

And if you put your sights on the horizon of that Life withOUT pain and incapacitating grief, you will emerge free. That word "relieved" is key.

 

…Life piled on life

Were all too little, and of one to me

Little remains: but every hour is saved

From that eternal silence, something more,

A bringer of new things; and vile it were

For some three suns to store and hoard myself,

And this grey spirit yearning in desire

To follow knowledge like a sinking star,

Beyond the utmost bound of human thought

 

Tennyson. Helps me go forward

[Naively.Sensitive]

I was betrayed too! Why blame me? I never cheated.

 

 

I gave you a pep talk - some things to look FORWARD to - to make you see it CAN be happy - even after I had spent my entire adult life married and was nearly 50 - I had to pull my boot straps up and START living a positive life again!

 

Then you turned a pep talk into a pity party - stop doing that.

 

 

Was it hard? Yes! It was damn hard! But I didn't want to lay down and die.

 

My best outcome? I'm living a very happy life and he is still very broken and still cheating on his next wife now! I'm glad it's not me living in that misery anymore!

 

If you stay - blame yourself because you know this is your wife yet you don't leave her. So that choice is only on you because you know she isn't planning to change!

 

You either get BUSY living or you get busy dying. Make a choice and take steps that implement that change. Make positive steps every single day toward that goal with or without her.

 

IF you stay married to her - I suggest you find activities that keep you busy outside the home every evening (with and without your kids). This way you build a life worth living that isn't focused on what she is or isn't doing! You find various ways to get interested in people and productive projects!

 

You need to get busy being happy without her. I did it - you can do it too!

 

This is very positive advice for me. Thanks very much for it.

I'm glad you left your ex after you told me that he still cheated on his next wife. I really wish people like that are ostracized from society. I don't understand why, as a society we allow people like that to live amongst us.

We quarantine diseases, but this is a disease when people inflict pain and misery on others. This is what I mean by the duality and hypocrisy of humanity. We teach people and our kids that monogamy is sacred and that its important to be good human beings, yet, we allow infidelity to exist within our society. We mess up our children with such a confusing society and value system that we build.

 

Your advice is well taken with this post. I understand that I have to become stronger to the point that my wife is not even a part of my life or a part of the equation towards my happiness. I have to find fulfillment outside of her, although the reality of human existence (in terms of the male physiology) is that most men (including me) want to feel needed, and want to have "a job" of taking care of and loving a deserving wife. Its hard to imagine my life where I don't have that "job" or where I don't feel needed and special. If I have to choose between doing something for myself and doing something for my family, I have always put my family first, but my family previously included the biggest component, my wife.... Now it does not. This is what I'm also struggling with. I'm struggling with the need to feel needed. I will bring up my struggles with my IC and also try to find some books and materials to read more about this. Thank you so much for your advice.

 

I understand what you say that there IS a life out there that I CAN have, even if I choose to divorce my wife. It seems like you are already living that life. I am happy for you and happy that you seemed to have found it. After all, Life is short and by the time we sneeze, its all over. Someone once told me that Life is like an icecream that one must savor, before it completely melts. I have a hard time dealing with the suffering and misery that is part of Life. Many people also say that suffering and misery cannot be completely avoided, but we can certainly make choices to reduce the misery and suffering. Thanks for your advice. I'm trying to find myself, and define myself, outside of my marriage and outside of my wife.

[S2B]

When you plan to see a movie tonight (and you should) - just leave the house and be gone for a few hours; no need to tell your wife where you're going and when you'll be home (since she's not offering transparency).

 

Just start making plans and learn to have fun on your own.

[Naively.Sensitive]

When you plan to see a movie tonight (and you should) - just leave the house and be gone for a few hours; no need to tell your wife where you're going and when you'll be home (since she's not offering transparency).

 

Just start making plans and learn to have fun on your own.

 

 

I do see movies and now, I mostly don't bother telling my wife about where I will be (because mostly, she also does not tell me where she goes, on weekends, with the kids).

 

 

The honest truth is that I have never made "fun" the motive of my life. I have always made learning, creation and achievement the motive of my life. And I have always considered the development of my family into the creation and achievement motives of my life.

I have always thought that sometimes, achievements and creations in life don't really involve "fun", but involve more of hard work, perseverance, sacrifice and disappointments, so I have never used "fun" as a measure of what I wanted out of life. That being said, it does not mean that I did not take out time for fun exclusively.

 

 

To me, I'm stuck between the rock and the wall. The rock being my current pain and suffering because of my wife's disposition and the wall being my resistance to file for a divorce.

 

 

Filing for a divorce to me is like tearing down the last 15 years of my life and starting again, from scratch. Trying to build a new relationship with no particular guarantees of things working out. To me, the last 15 years of my life seem wasted, because it resulted in a wife who gave me the outcome that she did: Betrayal and then abandonment (when I needed her the most).

 

 

The only other option that I think I may consider for the future may be a live-in relationship, but not a marriage, or perhaps a marriage after signing a prenuptial agreement.

 

 

Irrespective of any outcome, I have to answer these questions for my own sake, because they are important for me in deciding what I want out of life.

 

 

When I breathe my last breath before dying, what are the possible outcomes in my life that would bring me peace?

I know what will NOT bring me peace (so that part is easy), but unfortunately, I don't know what WILL bring me peace. How do I find out? How do I know what I really want out of Life? It is very confusing to me when the one thing I thought I wanted betrayed and eluded me.

 

 

What I know that I DO want:

1) Good health till I die, with no pain and suffering

2) Enough money for decent, nutritious meals everyday, healthcare and daily living needs.

3) The ability to maintain and grow my moral, and spiritual levels.

4) A deep connection with like minded individuals in society.

5) A sense of serving, and being served by like minded human beings, friends and family.

 

 

... The rest is all just "fluff", or possibly unknown to me.

 

 

What I know that I DON'T want:

I don't want pain, suffering or misery.

 

 

Given the above, I have to decide what to "do" in my current situation and plan my life accordingly.

[S2B]

Since you haven't done it in the past - it's high time you go and have some fun!

 

Do new things - lots of new things.

 

Maybe even take a vacation on your own!

 

Just start doing anything new! You will see the world differently than you do now!

[Poutrew]

NS, I've read your entire thread and it seems to me that most of your troubles, other than having a cheating, emotionally selfish wife, are because you are defining your life in terms of someone else. That is the very definition of self destruction. Even now, you are hesitating ridding yourself of your present malignancy and even when you do, you are thinking in terms of a further relationship with some other woman. Why? If you can learn to live life by your own standards, and not be dependent on someone else for your happiness, you will find true happiness, of a kind that can not be yanked out from under your feet by the actions of another party. I guess I am saying that I don't think you will ever be happy in this life until you learn the value of self fulfillment and self love.

 

When you finally divorce this broken vessel, and I think you know that eventually you will, do not just jump into another relationship. Learn to be you, by yourself. You may be surprised at just how vibrant life can become. Eventually, you may be ready for another women to enter your life, but only on YOUR terms. You might want to read the book Desert Notes / River Notes by Barry Lopez. This book has absolutely nothing to do with your present situation, or infidelity. Rather, the stories and mental imagery the book contains will help you set up the necessary mental gestalt within yourself to successfully deal with the aftermath of the divorce...

[merrmeade]

Something happens when you give yourself over to the sorrow and pain. If there's nothing to counter it, no one claiming you, taking responsibility and holding fast, you sink and gradually lose all perspective, will, or hope. Rational words of advice have no resonance. Grief and loss possess and define you.

 

The problem is you sink faster and farther than you can rise, and there’s no question of reversal. Once you surrender to free falling into the despair, it’s impossible to get all the way back to your former self. Irreparable damage.

 

When this started happening to me, NS, I went for individual counseling. I don't think it's a bad thing that you can't get your former self back. I'll never be bubbly and fun-loving again, but I'm whole and happy with who I am and that needs no reference to my spouse. I’m now taking an antidepressant for the first time in my life, which creates a safety net against free falling when triggers happen. I also remind myself of my kids and the affect giving up would have as a model when they have to deal with blows in life.

 

We pass on hope and love or we pass on surrender and loss. You must choose before you can't choose any more.

Edited February 6, 2016 by merrmeade

[turnera]

Tell me why a woman would want to be married to a man whose sole goals are to make money and gain stability and reputation?

 

He can do that all by himself!

 

A woman marries a man for EMOTIONAL connections, to enjoy being around him, to laugh with him (there's a reason that 'sense of humor' is always high on a woman's list of Emotional Needs), to do things that are fun just for the sake of it. A woman wants a man who's secure and confident, who doesn't take her seriously when she pouts or gets angry, because he's secure enough in his self esteem to know she still loves him, she's just...being a woman. She wants a man who'll just cut loose and go take her on a random day trip just for the thrill of it.

 

When a woman marries a man who's just about money, stability and reputation, she comes to believe she is just one more check mark on that list, that he chose her because she looks good next to him, and that her role in life is to make HIS goals run more smoothly. So she eventually falls out of love with him because, well, he's not giving love back in the way she expected.

 

There's a reason Dr. Harley says that, to stay in love, the man and woman must spend 10-15 hours a week together doing just 'date' stuff - time together away from kids, chores, work, electronics. They need the 'date' time to keep a bond going. We rarely get couples coming here before kids because they're still spending that time together bonding; it's after the kids come along and the first thing couples give up to get things accomplished is couple time. And then the resentments kick in, the communication tanks, and the relationship suffers.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I believe there are plenty of women in the world who marry men just for money and power.

 

And lots of men who marry women to be their trophy wife.

 

Women do not always marry for emotional connection....maybe in a perfect world... But not the real one.

[Naively.Sensitive]

Tell me why a woman would want to be married to a man whose sole goals are to make money and gain stability and reputation?

 

He can do that all by himself!

 

A woman marries a man for EMOTIONAL connections, to enjoy being around him, to laugh with him (there's a reason that 'sense of humor' is always high on a woman's list of Emotional Needs), to do things that are fun just for the sake of it. A woman wants a man who's secure and confident, who doesn't take her seriously when she pouts or gets angry, because he's secure enough in his self esteem to know she still loves him, she's just...being a woman. She wants a man who'll just cut loose and go take her on a random day trip just for the thrill of it.

 

When a woman marries a man who's just about money, stability and reputation, she comes to believe she is just one more check mark on that list, that he chose her because she looks good next to him, and that her role in life is to make HIS goals run more smoothly. So she eventually falls out of love with him because, well, he's not giving love back in the way she expected.

 

There's a reason Dr. Harley says that, to stay in love, the man and woman must spend 10-15 hours a week together doing just 'date' stuff - time together away from kids, chores, work, electronics. They need the 'date' time to keep a bond going. We rarely get couples coming here before kids because they're still spending that time together bonding; it's after the kids come along and the first thing couples give up to get things accomplished is couple time. And then the resentments kick in, the communication tanks, and the relationship suffers.

 

 

Speaking as myself (and probably as atleast some community of men), I can tell you that men want the same thing too. As I man, I don't just want my woman to cook and clean and raise the children, although I don't deny that those are important for daily living too.

 

 

I understand that a woman wants those things from a man, but what about circumstances of such extreme trauma and emotional pain? Can a woman realistically expect her man to be that confident, secure person who SHE broke down with her actions? Men are human beings too.... We feel pain, suffering, betrayal, just as women do. We may or may not process it differently than women do, but that does not mean we can be that confident, secure person, no matter how we are treated.

There is a saying that behind every successful man, there is a woman who supported him. That can also be true for a man who fails.... A woman could have damaged his self worth to such a degree that a man may find it hard to recover completely.

I also suspect that women are emotionally stronger than men are. Women can also be more cunning than men are. I don't mean to be sexist, but while your comments above seem too general, they don't consider the other side of the story.

[S2B]

While I understand the level of pain - I also believers not useful for you to remain in this victim mindset any longer. Why? Because it's not helping you to take responsibility for YOURSELF life - your future - and YOUR needs! Your wife isn't willing to give you what you've told her YOU need - so it's safe to assume you won't get that FROM HER! She not budging!

 

Now it's time for YOU to get YOUR needs net FROM YOURSELF! Figure out how to get there!

[Naively.Sensitive]

While I understand the level of pain - I also believers not useful for you to remain in this victim mindset any longer. Why? Because it's not helping you to take responsibility for YOURSELF life - your future - and YOUR needs! Your wife isn't willing to give you what you've told her YOU need - so it's safe to assume you won't get that FROM HER! She not budging!

 

Now it's time for YOU to get YOUR needs net FROM YOURSELF! Figure out how to get there!

 

 

Yes, that is exactly what I'm trying to figure out.

Its not easy to even visualize ourselves as a different person, to whom we request our expectations to be met.

If I need a hug, what do I do? Hug myself?

If I need comfort, what should I do? Talk to myself? Believe me I have tried.

I even pat my own chest when it hurts from that extreme emotional pain.

 

 

I try to treat myself to a snack (I have lost most of my appetite), to a movie, etc. Unfortunately, when I do it for myself, nothing feels good, because it feels "fake".

 

 

It feels like I'm blowing my own horn by making myself feel good. If I tell myself that I'm a good human being and did not deserve this, then it feels fake, but if someone else were to tell me that (especially my wife), then it feels real and I'm able to "accept" that feeling, because it helps validate my pain to some degree.

 

 

That is why I'm trying to understand my true identity, spiritually, but even when I try to do that, it brings up the serious question about death and if I will cease to exist anyway after death.

 

 

If I will cease to exist anyway, why am I even worth it? Why is human life worth it? Why am I here?

 

 

If I will NOT cease to exist after death (possibly existing in some other form), my human existence still seems pretty irrelevant, and I'm led back to believe that none of this is worth it. Then, why am I here?

 

 

Human life just seems so irrelevant to me that I find it hard to justify tolerating the misery and suffering in exchange for just an existential experience.

It only seems worth it to me if I can be blissful and joyful. How do I REALLY do that dear friend? I have tried meditation, biking, just trying to enjoy an icecream, watching a movie,..... Its all very fleeting and temporary. The pain always returns. Nothing seems to be healing me permanently. Its all just 1 band aid after another band aid. That is not how life used to be for me before. Before I had no pain. Before even the small experience of having an icecream was good enough because my perception of life was different. The affair has completely shattered me, and seems to have warped my perception of life, so even the experiences that are supposed to bring me joy, simply just temporarily take away some pain. How do I permanently alter my experience and perception of life, so that everything about life becomes a blissful experience?

[BetrayedH]

Yes, that is exactly what I'm trying to figure out.

Its not easy to even visualize ourselves as a different person, to whom we request our expectations to be met.

If I need a hug, what do I do? Hug myself?

If I need comfort, what should I do? Talk to myself? Believe me I have tried.

I even pat my own chest when it hurts from that extreme emotional pain.

 

 

I try to treat myself to a snack (I have lost most of my appetite), to a movie, etc. Unfortunately, when I do it for myself, nothing feels good, because it feels "fake".

 

 

It feels like I'm blowing my own horn by making myself feel good. If I tell myself that I'm a good human being and did not deserve this, then it feels fake, but if someone else were to tell me that (especially my wife), then it feels real and I'm able to "accept" that feeling, because it helps validate my pain to some degree.

 

 

That is why I'm trying to understand my true identity, spiritually, but even when I try to do that, it brings up the serious question about death and if I will cease to exist anyway after death.

 

 

If I will cease to exist anyway, why am I even worth it? Why is human life worth it? Why am I here?

 

 

If I will NOT cease to exist after death (possibly existing in some other form), my human existence still seems pretty irrelevant, and I'm led back to believe that none of this is worth it. Then, why am I here?

 

 

Human life just seems so irrelevant to me that I find it hard to justify tolerating the misery and suffering in exchange for just an existential experience.

It only seems worth it to me if I can be blissful and joyful. How do I REALLY do that dear friend? I have tried meditation, biking, just trying to enjoy an icecream, watching a movie,..... Its all very fleeting and temporary. The pain always returns. Nothing seems to be healing me permanently. Its all just 1 band aid after another band aid. That is not how life used to be for me before. Before I had no pain. Before even the small experience of having an icecream was good enough because my perception of life was different. The affair has completely shattered me, and seems to have warped my perception of life, so even the experiences that are supposed to bring me joy, simply just temporarily take away some pain. How do I permanently alter my experience and perception of life, so that everything about life becomes a blissful experience?

 

These feelings are temporary. But they'll likely persist while you remain attached to your wife.

[S2B]

When you make a decision and take action on the things that cause that negativity in your life - by eliminating the perpetrator of said negativity...you'll be amazed how it's easier to be happy.

 

It's delusional to think she's going to participate in helping you heal; helping you feel better about this. She isn't going to.

 

You expect her to and she's not going to do that!

 

It is YOUR expectations that are out of whack.

 

Stop expecting anything from her!

[ShatteredLady]

Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe (from your very first post) that you don't spend very much quality time with your children. I've written before that I find it strange that you hardly ever mention your children at all....most men in your situation post heavily about their thoughts, concerns, bond with their kids. The most I recall is you saying you spend a brief time asking them what they did at school.

 

If you divorce you will spend whole weekends, just you & them & I think that will be the most WONDERFUL thing that could happen!

 

You say that your wife doesn't tell you where she's going or what she's doing but she's out with your CHILDREN. Has it always been like this? Why don't you go out & spend the weekend with your family? When was the last time you spent the whole day, just you & them, doing something with your kids? What did you do?

 

I've often said that "The only thing that keeps me going some days is my babies!". Even before my M turned into a nightmare I would say that having to get-up every single day & be perky for my kids helped change my outlook on life (Many chronic pain sufferers stay in bed & that increases pain & contributes to depression & anxiety).

 

Young children are innocent, love completely & unconditionally. Their baby bear hugs & joyful giggles can warm your heart like nothing else. Even when they're being demanding or even monstrous they take all of your focus. Do you cuddle & read with your kids everyday? Do you sing & dance, PLAY with them? Roll around & giggle?

 

I mentioned meditation, visualization, yoga etc for calming your mind. I think you've got something even better running around your house!!

 

Your wife NEEDS to know what it could be like NOT having her babies all weekend!! That's one of the consequences of letting your marriage die isn't it? At the moment she has to focus completely on them. She's either working or playing with the kids. She doesn't have time or opportunity to loose herself to despair or wallow. No matter how she feels she has to fake it & "fake it until you make it!" can work wonders in some situations.

 

Think of some really fun, cool, simple things to do all day one day next weekend. I don't mean sit in the cinema!! I mean active things that make you play. Face to face time at dinner. REAL QUALITY, COMPLETELY FOCUSED ON THEM time. ALL DAY! Breakfast, park, library, woods, bounce house activity place, cook & get really messy, paint each others faces, play ball, sit & talk for ice cream & dinner, play music, talk about their dreams, put a tent up indoors! PLAY!

 

JUST YOU & THEM ALL DAY!

 

Sorry if you already do these things & often spend all day just you & your kids, out & about without your wife. I just get the impression that your wife takes care of most of the children's stuff & for you, family time is watching a movie.

 

No matter how your wife feels she has to get-up & take care, do stuff with the children. In my life, psychologically, that has been a HUGE advantage for me!! It's bloody hard sometimes & I've gone through bad times in my life when "I CAN'T DO THIS!!" is my mantra but I've NEVER a had a choice.

 

I don't have a support system. Even with crippling sciatica. Even d-day. Even hanging-up the phone after being told that I have cancer. Even after reading that SHE is "The best mother in the world" & has my husbands passionate, eternal love....I've had to force a smile on " Let's do some painting!!", "Time for coloring while big brother does homework with Mummy", "Bath time!!", "Mummy's sick & her eyes have allergies".

 

Not having the 'luxury' to fall apart....or at least limiting your 'falling-apart' to the very best of your ability is so very hard but does help in a lot of ways...

[Naively.Sensitive]

Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe (from your very first post) that you don't spend very much quality time with your children. I've written before that I find it strange that you hardly ever mention your children at all....most men in your situation post heavily about their thoughts, concerns, bond with their kids. The most I recall is you saying you spend a brief time asking them what they did at school.

 

If you divorce you will spend whole weekends, just you & them & I think that will be the most WONDERFUL thing that could happen!

 

You say that your wife doesn't tell you where she's going or what she's doing but she's out with your CHILDREN. Has it always been like this? Why don't you go out & spend the weekend with your family? When was the last time you spent the whole day, just you & them, doing something with your kids? What did you do?

 

I've often said that "The only thing that keeps me going some days is my babies!". Even before my M turned into a nightmare I would say that having to get-up every single day & be perky for my kids helped change my outlook on life (Many chronic pain sufferers stay in bed & that increases pain & contributes to depression & anxiety).

 

Young children are innocent, love completely & unconditionally. Their baby bear hugs & joyful giggles can warm your heart like nothing else. Even when they're being demanding or even monstrous they take all of your focus. Do you cuddle & read with your kids everyday? Do you sing & dance, PLAY with them? Roll around & giggle?

 

I mentioned meditation, visualization, yoga etc for calming your mind. I think you've got something even better running around your house!!

 

Your wife NEEDS to know what it could be like NOT having her babies all weekend!! That's one of the consequences of letting your marriage die isn't it? At the moment she has to focus completely on them. She's either working or playing with the kids. She doesn't have time or opportunity to loose herself to despair or wallow. No matter how she feels she has to fake it & "fake it until you make it!" can work wonders in some situations.

 

Think of some really fun, cool, simple things to do all day one day next weekend. I don't mean sit in the cinema!! I mean active things that make you play. Face to face time at dinner. REAL QUALITY, COMPLETELY FOCUSED ON THEM time. ALL DAY! Breakfast, park, library, woods, bounce house activity place, cook & get really messy, paint each others faces, play ball, sit & talk for ice cream & dinner, play music, talk about their dreams, put a tent up indoors! PLAY!

 

JUST YOU & THEM ALL DAY!

 

Sorry if you already do these things & often spend all day just you & your kids, out & about without your wife. I just get the impression that your wife takes care of most of the children's stuff & for you, family time is watching a movie.

 

No matter how your wife feels she has to get-up & take care, do stuff with the children. In my life, psychologically, that has been a HUGE advantage for me!! It's bloody hard sometimes & I've gone through bad times in my life when "I CAN'T DO THIS!!" is my mantra but I've NEVER a had a choice.

 

I don't have a support system. Even with crippling sciatica. Even d-day. Even hanging-up the phone after being told that I have cancer. Even after reading that SHE is "The best mother in the world" & has my husbands passionate, eternal love....I've had to force a smile on " Let's do some painting!!", "Time for coloring while big brother does homework with Mummy", "Bath time!!", "Mummy's sick & her eyes have allergies".

 

Not having the 'luxury' to fall apart....or at least limiting your 'falling-apart' to the very best of your ability is so very hard but does help in a lot of ways...

 

 

It was very different before the affair and even for a few months after the affair when my wife supported me in my pain.

Before, I used to be out with them. With her and the kids... Out to parks, to eat dinner out on the weekend, to a birthday perhaps.

There was a day in which we just visited museums, science and car museums. We spent time at home, laughing and playing.

I would tickle the kids, tease them and be teased. Those are just memories now.

 

 

In the past 7 months since I have felt abandoned by my wife, I have tried to separately connect with the kids, and to some extent I have, but its mostly been at home. Sometimes we watch funny animal videos.

It helps to some degree, but after that, my pain returns, and sometimes the pain returns with an even greater intensity than before, because I get reminded of how things used to be before and how things have become now, where my wife cannot even support me in the pain that she caused.

Now, my wife seems to "drown herself" in activities for the kids. She often "hoards" them and hoards the entire weekend with activities to keep her distracted away from having to deal with me or my pain. It seems like she uses the kids to escape from reality, but in the process, she completely ignores me.

 

 

Mostly, I'm a pathetic mess right now. I'm trying to individually recover.

[Naively.Sensitive]

What I also now suffer from is having to deal with reality and with life, where every f*ck*ng thing demands your attention... Car trouble, having to buy a car suddenly because the older one is too broken, things breaking down in the house, having to change batteries on smoke alarms because they beep through the night, having to deal with work, with paperwork, with.... The list never ends.

 

 

It feels like time does not wait, that life does not forgive, that life just demands of you and you have to deliver like a well oiled machine and robot, and it does not matter that your wife cheated on you and you're in pain, because life does not give a f*ck about your situation.

 

 

I feel too much pressure at times. I feel like if I could just not want anything, except 2 square meals a day and decent health, that I don't need any of this crap.

 

 

I feel that if my kids and family have their basic needs met and I do too, then I can be excused and just let go, because I have had enough of the experience of life and I'm not impressed by it. Its so painful at times that I wish it would all just end for me, peacefully. I don't owe anything to anybody and nobody owes me anything. I just feel like saying goodbye forever at times and try to smile for one last time.

 

 

BUT, I cannot escape because somewhere and sometime, a choice was made for me to exist. Or perhaps my existence was a part of one of the random events in the universe? Whatever be the case, I'm just fulfilling some sick contract that was signed. Get it over with already.

[merrmeade]

Hi NS,

Just sending you a long overdue ((((())))) of encouragement/support. Also wanted to remind you - because you're so attentive and considerate - that this is your thread and you can ignore post/posters that don't seem relevant, are negative, unconstructive or critical - especially if it feels personal. Excessively harsh posts are the hardest, of course, for a BS (and for that reason, also ineffective). My point is that you're not obliged to respond to every post. It's actually the best answer sometimes. You can just not read or even officially Ignore the most hurtful and no one's the wiser. Most important, YOU will feel less beaten down and discouraged. Infidelity is a life changer. You have enough going on emotionally without adding post-battering to it. (That's not a real term but what it can feel like)

[Naively.Sensitive]

Hi NS,

Just sending you a long overdue ((((())))) of encouragement/support. Also wanted to remind you - because you're so attentive and considerate - that this is your thread and you can ignore post/posters that don't seem relevant, are negative, unconstructive or critical - especially if it feels personal. Excessively harsh posts are the hardest, of course, for a BS (and for that reason, also ineffective). My point is that you're not obliged to respond to every post. It's actually the best answer sometimes. You can just not read or even officially Ignore the most hurtful and no one's the wiser. Most important, YOU will feel less beaten down and discouraged. Infidelity is a life changer. You have enough going on emotionally without adding post-battering to it. (That's not a real term but what it can feel like)

 

 

Hi merrmeade,

Thanks very much for the encouragement. Disregarding even my relationship with my wife for sometime, what I desperately need is support so that I can build myself up. So that I can believe that there is something more that exists, underneath my body and heartbeat.

I am broken and need help.

Thanks for pointing out that I don't have to take some posters to heart.

[turnera]

Support only gets you so far, NS. Ultimately, it has to be YOU determining you will change your life, your outlook, and stop being a victim. No amount of support will fix things if YOU don't stop this stuff and decide to change. You've been waiting for someone else to fix you for nine months now. How has that worked out?

[thecharade]

NS, I went through something similar as what you are going through--kind of a debilitating grief, not from death but from life-altering disappointment. And I wallowed in it for quite a while, but it got old and I needed to function. I started searching for any ideas I could find on sites like this and searched the heck out of every idea I had. "Overcoming grief." "Rebuilding your life." I did eventually find several books that gave me some tools that I was missing. I do not know your life story, but it really seems that you would benefit from "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. That book changed my life and my world view, and it taught me to heal myself. I think it could really help you, too.

 

Peace to you.