The things MM say to you

[m4p]

He calls me "love", makes me checklists for my meds and important stuffs whenever I travel, wakes up in the middle of night when he is in a different timezone to wish me happy birthday, times his calls to me right before my important meetings so that I'll be less nervous.. makes me go to gym and get fitter so I will fall sick less often. Took time off work when I fell sick.

 

No future faking, no I wish you were here or I miss you or I love you. Just lots of affection for me and a vague sense of guilt hanging around him. Sometimes I catch him staring and he suddenly says things like "how do you do this to me?"

 

It was all like a bad/good/wet dream (lol), a strange tenderness I never got with anyone else and probably never will.

 

All the time he was doing this and texting me nonstop for 2 years - with his wife just 3 feet away. They were inseparable especially on weekends lie-in. That's the biggest confusion I have and can't get over easily. It made me question my morality, my judgement of people; i could swear he wasn't a bad person, but why would he do this to her. with me. And why did I let him? I am guilty as much as a victim of my own actions.

[privategal]

I know some of the gals/guys are really suffering here and in shock about such things as 'how could he say all those beautiful things and then stop loving me/go back to his wife/end it...whatever scenario fits you..

 

The thing is...in my humble opinion they get caught up...flattered by an overwhelming amount of love and affection or sex that in a longterm marriage they dont get too much anymore.

They initially feel in love due to new sex, attention, not being seen as only the guy who runs the kids to baseball practice and dance and pays the bills and takes out the trash...but SUDDENLY he is seen as a lover, a desirable man, with a woman not asking him to bathe the kids, call the bank, fix the roof...shes (the ow or mow) asking to know HIM...wants his sex, his voice, his time without responsibility...

For me its easy to see why hed get caught up...but then...it gets real...he's looking at his savings, not seeing his kids every day

.alimoney, attorney costs, leaving the home he likely renovated, half of his belongings...

Suddenly, the marriage looks and feels like the safer bet.

Ooorrr...he was in love with his wife all along and slipped..or needed more sex...

In either scenario he may not have been lying overtly...but guilt and real life caused him to weigh out his affair.

But at the time...in that moment...that bubble...the words he said..were "true"

[FusionCutter]

He calls me "love", makes me checklists for my meds and important stuffs whenever I travel, wakes up in the middle of night when he is in a different timezone to wish me happy birthday, times his calls to me right before my important meetings so that I'll be less nervous.. makes me go to gym and get fitter so I will fall sick less often. Took time off work when I fell sick.

 

No future faking, no I wish you were here or I miss you or I love you. Just lots of affection for me and a vague sense of guilt hanging around him. Sometimes I catch him staring and he suddenly says things like "how do you do this to me?"

 

It was all like a bad/good/wet dream (lol), a strange tenderness I never got with anyone else and probably never will.

 

All the time he was doing this and texting me nonstop for 2 years - with his wife just 3 feet away. They were inseparable especially on weekends lie-in. That's the biggest confusion I have and can't get over easily. It made me question my morality, my judgement of people; i could swear he wasn't a bad person, but why would he do this to her. with me. And why did I let him? I am guilty as much as a victim of my own actions.

 

It's simple. He was a bad person.

[Ruffian1]

Hmm. So its not her money he is after, unless she gets some in a D from her BS.

 

 

Cloudyhead, what do you think, why did he leave you for her?

[ShatteredLady]

We are all women. Forget for a moment any of the 'words' that you sucked-up. There are a very tiny percentage of 'crazy' out there but all in all we are WOMEN.

 

Does that give us a little more understanding of each other? Why did you do what you did? Why did you believe what you heard? Why did his W act like she did? Why is he chasing a bit of 'different' now? Are you all dreamers? Do you all need rescuing? Sometimes they alternate between 'types' of women & sometimes they have a type. Is it REALLY worth wasting your thoughts on?

[CloudyHead]

I think MM is a sociopath. I was confiding in a friend about all that has happened over the years with MM and she said, point blank, he is a sociopath.

 

I looked up the term as I did not what it meant. Other than his photograph being beside the word, the description fits him to a "T". And, I believe many cheaters are sociopaths.

 

From what I learned, love is a really important game to a sociopath. Without love, they have no power. They constantly say "I love you" but they really mean "do you love me?". They appear interested in you, appear to share similar interests, tell you constantly that they love you, shower you with attention/flattery, are helpful and useful to you; and fake that they want to help you fulfill your dreams (but they never quite do - do they?).

 

They constantly say "I love you" which results in you saying "I love you too" back to them - which they get off on it. They fake love, manipulate and deceive you because they get off on it. They have no moral compass. Love means control, ownership and a source of supply to them.

 

Then they start to manipulate you. Seriously, why should YOU feel guilty dating someone or going out with your friends? MM is married - not you. But he is controlling you . . . getting angry when you date others, talk to others, spend time with family or friends or even your children.

 

You cannot have closure with these relationships because you fell in love with an illusion (like Oz behind the curtain).

 

Why did MM leave me for his new OW? I don't know. I don't believe he loves her because I think he is an empty shell and cannot love anyone. When we spoke a few days ago (yes, I broke NC and called him crying) he said that he was void on the inside. I read their text exchanges . . . he does mirror back to her so it appears they have so many similar interests. He did not have those interests when we were together.

Edited December 16, 2015 by CloudyHead

[purplesorrow]

I think MM is a sociopath. I was confiding in a friend about all that has happened over the years with MM and she said, point blank, he is a sociopath.

 

I looked up the term as I did not what it meant. Other than his photograph being beside the word, the description fits him to a "T". And, I believe many cheaters are sociopaths.

 

From what I learned, love is a really important game to a sociopath. Without love, they have no power. They constantly say "I love you" but they really mean "do you love me?". They appear interested in you, appear to share similar interests, tell you constantly that they love you, shower you with attention/flattery, are helpful and useful to you; and fake that they want to help you fulfill your dreams (but they never quite do - do they?).

 

They constantly say "I love you" which results in you saying "I love you too" back to them - which they get off on it. They fake love, manipulate and deceive you because they get off on it. They have no moral compass. Love means control, ownership and a source of supply to them.

 

Then they start to manipulate you. Seriously, why should YOU feel guilty dating someone or going out with your friends? MM is married - not you. But he is controlling you . . . getting angry when you date others, talk to others, spend time with family or friends or even your children.

 

You cannot have closure with these relationships because you fell in love with an illusion (like Oz behind the curtain).

 

Why did MM leave me for his new OW? I don't know. I don't believe he loves her because I think he is an empty shell and cannot love anyone. When we spoke a few days ago (yes, I broke NC and called him crying) he said that he was void on the inside. I read their text exchanges . . . he does mirror back to her so it appears they have so many similar interests. He did not have those interests when we were together.

 

He really sounds like the average azzhole.

[imsosad]

Yes to most of it.

Claimed it was love at first sight.

He never felt like this before.

I am the right one.

Oh,if only he had a time machine!he would have found me and married me before my husband did.

I am nicer than his wife.i am a better mother than she is. I get him.

This is true love.

He has been faithful for twenty years but when he saw me he realised something changed.

Geez.

At first i thought we were in the same situation,long term marriages, first time i ever strayed.somewhere along the line i began to suspect he had done this before. He was just too comfortable with the whole scenerio,that was making me mad.

[BeautifulIdiot]

Oh the time machine....how we talked about the time machine.

 

Judging by how many of us have spent time talking about the mythical time machine I'm surprised someone's not invented one yet

[ShatteredLady]

Recent posts have interested me. Made me think things I've not pondered before....

 

My Dad loves me unconditionally. He's a great father, always has been. I've NEVER doubted for a moment that I was dearly & completely loved. It wasn't until recently, after my brothers death that he actually said the words "I love you!".

 

My first real boyfriend (6+ years intense relationship. Formative years) had never said the words before. He believed them to be sacred. He said "I love you" rarely & always with intensity.

 

I've been with my H for 25 years. He says those 3 little words a LOT! I realized when my son began to speak. I love you! Was one of his first sentences. He says it to me MANY times everyday. If I'm happy he says "I love you Mummy". If he's in trouble he says "I love you so much Mummy. You're the best Mummy in the world!". He says it more than anything else. It's a nurture thing!

 

I've never known a man say "I love you" more than my H. I've never been with a man who cheats either!! Do cheats use those 3 little words more than others? I mean USE those words. When my Dad (& first love) said those words they GAVE them, they never USED them, there's a difference!!

 

Is "I love you" a weapon in the hands of a character prone to the fantasy of infidelity?

[ladydesigner]

Recent posts have interested me. Made me think things I've not pondered before....

 

My Dad loves me unconditionally. He's a great father, always has been. I've NEVER doubted for a moment that I was dearly & completely loved. It wasn't until recently, after my brothers death that he actually said the words "I love you!".

 

My first real boyfriend (6+ years intense relationship. Formative years) had never said the words before. He believed them to be sacred. He said "I love you" rarely & always with intensity.

 

I've been with my H for 25 years. He says those 3 little words a LOT! I realized when my son began to speak. I love you! Was one of his first sentences. He says it to me MANY times everyday. If I'm happy he says "I love you Mummy". If he's in trouble he says "I love you so much Mummy. You're the best Mummy in the world!". He says it more than anything else. It's a nurture thing!

 

I've never known a man say "I love you" more than my H. I've never been with a man who cheats either!! Do cheats use those 3 little words more than others? I mean USE those words. When my Dad (& first love) said those words they GAVE them, they never USED them, there's a difference!!

 

Is "I love you" a weapon in the hands of a character prone to the fantasy of infidelity?

 

:-)Lol my WH says this often and has said it often to me and to MOW. Unfortunately I feel I may be using the term "I love you" more vaguely than I ever have towards him as I cannot reconnect since False R.

[dreamingoftigers]

:-)Lol my WH says this often and has said it often to me and to MOW. Unfortunately I feel I may be using the term "I love you" more vaguely than I ever have towards him as I cannot reconnect since False R.

 

For a time the ILUs stopped on my marriage also.

 

That's when I knew we were at the bottom.

 

It was a long time before the time and sweetness returned to them as well.

 

I couldn't lie about it when I could not connect with loving him.

[imsosad]

I remembered a few more:

I cant believe it,i must be dreaming

You are all i see

My life is nothing,you are the only real thing

If you go,i will want to die

We will never get over each other

This is once in a lifetime

We are different than everybody else

Never met anyone like you

You are out of my league

 

When i look at it now,i realise the common denominator is one message:you are special-because i see you as special.

Maybe thats the hook.

[dreamingoftigers]

I remembered a few more:

I cant believe it,i must be dreaming

You are all i see

My life is nothing,you are the only real thing

If you go,i will want to die

We will never get over each other

This is once in a lifetime

We are different than everybody else

Never met anyone like you

You are out of my league

 

When i look at it now,i realise the common denominator is one message:you are special-because i see you as special.

Maybe thats the hook.

 

That's pretty much about it.

[Daisy2013]

How about what they don't say to you. Like when they are saying how much they love you and wish they could be with you, but are too afraid to make the move and don't want discord in their lives. And you say "But aren't I worth any trouble you would have"? Crickets...... Followed by "You are the woman I love." Uh huh.....

[Lovetoohard]

I got the intensely thought-provoking and intelligent conversations about politics, foreign policy, different cultures, travel, music, etc., that were eventually peppered with the cheesy romantic stuff mentioned in this thread after we got together, so it wasn't like he came across as all slimy and smooth and wanting to get into my pants or anything that indicated that he had an ulterior motive as soon as I met him. In fact, he used to talk about his wife and kids too.

 

My exMM dropped "I love you on me" a mere 4 months into knowing me as platonic friend and a coworker. At that point I had suspected he might have been attracted to me and had feelings for me but I didn't expect a full on "I love you" and an awkward peck on the lips. We used to go to lunch together almost every day so I was used to hanging out one on one with him, but this was after hours, at one of our favorite wine bars. There was no wine in the picture at that point in the evening. I pretended not to hear it and he repeated and I laughed it off. I have never uttered those words that quickly and suspect people are not being genuine when said too soon. I did not say those words back to him until another 3 months or so and that was when we were in the middle of a full blown EA and PA. Oh yeah, there was one particular thing he said a couple times that made me cringe when he was referring to me when talking to someone random we didn't know - "ask the Mrs" or "check with the wife." Um, how can he just give me those titles with such ease??? Totally absurd.

 

I think he meant a lot of what he said based on what he was feeling IN THE MOMENT but we all know that that's not good enough, is it? It's like it was some high school infatuation mixed in with some serious delusional thinking.

Edited December 18, 2015 by Lovetoohard

[WestEndGirl]

Is "I love you" a weapon in the hands of a character prone to the fantasy of infidelity?

 

I know what you're talking about, exactly. My exH used those words quite frequently. I knew he didn't really mean them. I used to think, "Who are you trying to convince -- me or yourself?"

 

MM did the same thing. It was almost oppressive at the time, especially in the beginning. Relationships between two people are supposed to build slowly and gradually until that moment in time when the sum of their wonderful actions lead you to think,"Hey, I really love this person. Maybe it's time, um, I actually told them."

[Midwestmissy]

While no love was expressed on either side, my husband said he confused the enthusiasm and excitement of her comments with their validity. They both lied & talked bull, but they couldn't get enough of it.

 

I watch my teenagers behave the same way. Actually, my kids are more mature, since they had to read the pap that the adults exchanged.

[WestEndGirl]

I believe it all boils down to this: there are people who back up their words by acting on them, and there are people who only wish they could. Or think they can, but find they cannot. Or talk just to hear their own voice. Whatever.

 

I watched a Nick Cage movie not long ago -- his character was a CIA agent. He told his partner, "There are men of action, and there's everybody else."

 

MP are everybody else.

[CloudyHead]

Tough day for me . . . He is in NYC with the MW he is seeing. MW is having health problems . . will wear a heart monitor when she returns from trip to NYC.

 

More statements from him to her:

 

"Oh I love you Ann . . .you are so sweet"

"I need some of your loving tonight"

"Don't cry . . .we will be together soon"

"You inspired me to finish my story for AL Anon" . . .He told me he was going to Al Anon because he didn't want to attend sex addict meetings so he has been playing a ruse to them. He gave his story to them and she came to support him. Really?

"What you are doing now Ann?"

"You are always just the way I want you"

"Take a selfie and send it to me so I can put it on my phone"

"I'm going to count all your freckles this weekend . .I bet you have some in interesting places"

"You are such a quick learner and eager to please"

 

I have to say . . it really truly hurts that this man, who was in my life for 6+ years, literally dumped me for this woman and she is lying to her husband and flying to NYC for 5 days with AH.

[Lady2163]

Tough day for me . . . He is in NYC with the MW he is seeing. MW is having health problems . . will wear a heart monitor when she returns from trip to NYC.

 

More statements from him to her:

 

"Oh I love you Ann . . .you are so sweet"

"I need some of your loving tonight"

"Don't cry . . .we will be together soon"

"You inspired me to finish my story for AL Anon" . . .He told me he was going to Al Anon because he didn't want to attend sex addict meetings so he has been playing a ruse to them. He gave his story to them and she came to support him. Really?

"What you are doing now Ann?"

"You are always just the way I want you"

"Take a selfie and send it to me so I can put it on my phone"

"I'm going to count all your freckles this weekend . .I bet you have some in interesting places"

"You are such a quick learner and eager to please"

 

I have to say . . it really truly hurts that this man, who was in my life for 6+ years, literally dumped me for this woman and she is lying to her husband and flying to NYC for 5 days with AH.

 

Just out of curiosity, how are you seeing these statements?

[LimeBlue]

I believe it all boils down to this: there are people who back up their words by acting on them, and there are people who only wish they could. Or think they can, but find they cannot. Or talk just to hear their own voice. Whatever.

 

I watched a Nick Cage movie not long ago -- his character was a CIA agent. He told his partner, "There are men of action, and there's everybody else."

 

MP are everybody else.

 

It seems I'm slowly learning the truth of this. My MM wants me to trust him that he will be leaving, but how can I trust that when he continues his "happy" life with his wife? If he actually did something about leaving her I would trust but so far it's all words. It is tearing me apart and when I tackle him about it, I get told to be careful that I don't turn this into a self fulfilling prophecy!

[WestEndGirl]

It seems I'm slowly learning the truth of this. My MM wants me to trust him that he will be leaving, but how can I trust that when he continues his "happy" life with his wife? If he actually did something about leaving her I would trust but so far it's all words. It is tearing me apart and when I tackle him about it, I get told to be careful that I don't turn this into a self fulfilling prophecy!

 

You know, a friend told me (speaking of MM), "If he intended to leave, he would have left a long time ago -- before he got involved with you." I think that in 90 percent of cases, that's true.

 

We all have limits to the amount of unhappiness we can withstand. What trade-offs we are willing to make. We're wired to thrive, seek bliss, and choose opportunities (and people) that are more fulfilling to us--unless there's something critically wrong with our mental health.

[Popsicle]

I believe it all boils down to this: there are people who back up their words by acting on them, and there are people who only wish they could. Or think they can, but find they cannot. Or talk just to hear their own voice. Whatever.

 

I watched a Nick Cage movie not long ago -- his character was a CIA agent. He told his partner, "There are men of action, and there's everybody else."

 

MP are everybody else.

 

This is so true.

It applies to women too.

[Ms. Faust]

He told me I gave good head. I was so f*cked up, I thought that meant he must love me.