Girlfriend wont get back with me *help* (long)

[North Shore]

I really hate to tell you this aares, but she's not worrying AT ALL about who your with and what you're doing. Right now, she is breathing easily for the first time in a long time. She's STARTING to remove herself from the mindset you put her in. She can relax her guard now. She doesn't have to worry about what you are going to say and do to hurt her.

 

AND IF YOU CONTACT HER YOU WILL IMMEDIATELY PUT HER ON HER GUARD AGAIN. YOU WILL UNDUE WHAT LITTLE PROGRESS SHE HAS BEEN ABLE TO MAKE.

 

She will again begin to worry about what crap you are going to pull next if you contact her NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY. She WILL NOT be reassured. She will not feel better.

 

STOP thinking about yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[aares]

How am I thinking about myself? Because I want to get back with her? Just because I want to get back with her, doesnt necessarily mean I am only thinking about myself.

 

Anyway, she messaged me saying "How are you doing? I dont know how I have been I am trying". I didnt message her back, then she sent two more saying "Hey how are you doing" and "Hey how are you". I messaged her back about two days later which is today, saying "I have been thinking about you and I miss you. I dont know...how do you feel about everything?" She is most likely sleeping right now so I will have to wait for her reply.

[Mr Spock]

OCD is not healthy.

 

 

I can tell you that stating your body fat percentage then and now isn't going to make a whit of difference in any reply you get on this forum.

 

Perhaps she tired of your relentless obsession with her, her life, and what she does with it. Perhaps she tired of your vanity. Perhaps she tired of your immaturity. Perhaps she tired of the constant emotional blackmail of you breaking up with her. You do sound completely whacko, you know.

 

She must be the most tolerant (or stupid) soul on earth.

 

 

Of course she knows you want her back. Any moron can see that. It's entirely possible she doesn't want to date you anymore. Funny how that concept hasn't sunk in yet.

 

 

It is teeny bopper love. You're both barely legal. You're also not a very nice boyfriend, from what you've told us. It's good that you recognize your faults but you need to FIX them before you unleash yourself on an unsuspecting teenage female.

[aares]

I stated my bodyfat because I was explaining that I like my body and I am not insecure about my body. That I believe I can find someone else, not that I want to be with her because I am afraid that I cant find anyone else. I could give one shat if anyone on this board thinks I am 6% bf or 45% bf.

 

I understand she might be tired of everything I put her through...is it wrong to want to make everything right and prove that I want to treat her how I want to treat her, like I did in the beginning of the relationship?

 

The concept of her not wanting to date me hasnt sunk in yet, because she hasnt told me that and truly meant it.

 

In the beginning, I was a nice boyfriend, believe me. I would do my best in making her happy. Its just that something got into my head, telling me that she wants to cheat on me, she wants to do things to hurt me. I realized that this wasnt/isnt true, and I want to make up for the shat that I have done to her, together, not apart for the rest of our lives wondering how it would have turned out like.

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by aares

In the beginning, I was a nice boyfriend, believe me. I would do my best in making her happy. Its just that something got into my head, telling me that she wants to cheat on me, she wants to do things to hurt me. I realized that this wasnt/isnt true, and I want to make up for the shat that I have done to her, together, not apart for the rest of our lives wondering how it would have turned out like.

 

It is not just something that you get in your head. If I would just get in my head that someone wants to kill me, I am not excused if I take someone out in a public place. I would be admitted to the psychiatric ward, hopefully.

 

You can't undo the things you have done. You can't undo the sex you had. It is there. You can't repair the damage you have inflicted upon her. Only she can, and in all likelihood she does not need your assistance with that. It is not a matter of days, weeks, or months. It is a matter of years. And how can she trust you?

 

You lacked the integrity for 5-6 months in the relationship, to treat her as you profess to want her to treat now. I am not far from convinced that this is simply a regret stemming from the breakup itself. You miss the convenience of her around you.

 

You already know how this turned out. You screwed up for the reasons you admitted to. Again, it does not take days to deal with these issues, nor weeks, or even months. You can't help her, as you are not the owner of her thoughts and feelings.

 

If she were to return to you, you still have your Janus-mask. And she does not know when she will have the caring Aares, or the insensitive Aares.

Would you settle for a gf, who called your names, made you feel like a piece of sh*t, and says afterward, "I did not believe that?" Chances are you would run for the hills. That she is not doing that, only shows how deeply immersed she was in the relationship, not how much she loves you.

You have trained her to say that she loves you in the past 6 months.

[Mr Spock]

I understand she might be tired of everything I put her through...is it wrong to want to make everything right and prove that I want to treat her how I want to treat her, like I did in the beginning of the relationship?

 

 

Yes. Because you lean a wee bit towards certifiable. Saying you're sorry doesn't cut it. You can't make everything right by dating her AGAIN. You could make everything right by allowing her to move on with her life.

 

 

 

How many times does a woman have to tell you "no" before you realize it?? "Give me time" means PLEASE STOP BOTHERING ME. Texting you to see how you're doing is probably just checking up to make sure you're not making plans to hurt something. It's not the sign you're waiting for.

 

 

Just give her some breathing space, of say a few months. Date other people. Leave her alone to see if SHE wants to date other people, or just you.

[North Shore]

How are you thinking about yourself b/c you want to get back with her??

 

Here's how:

 

I am starting to get sick (mentally) because I feel that she might be having sex with other guys or even have found someone else

 

I really hope that her one "friend" who screwed her over isn't telling her stuff, like maybe how I don't want to be with her or something like that because her friend has always wanted me. My ex and I had many problems with this other girl lying to my ex, telling her stuff that wasn't true. I don't know if I should mention to her to not believe anything this other girl says or what? I can almost feel it...that this girl has said something that would make my ex not want to be with me.

 

Do you see a pattern here? It's about how YOU feel. You worry that someone else has any influence. And frankly, any friend worth his/her salt would not want to see your ex be hurt by you anymore. You can't see past what YOU want. You want control of her back. You talk about how YOU saved her high school career - does that mean she owes you something? I think not - she's definitely paid that debt by putting up with your manipulation.

 

You spent months making her cry so you could make her feel better again. You manipulated her. And now you want to manipulate her back with you. You undermined her self-esteem and she still cares enough about you and, through everything you done to her, she still wants to know that you're okay. I salute her for that to some degree. She's a kinder person than you are to her. You should tell her you miss her BUT you have hurt her too much and feel you should give her the time and space she needs to heal IF you tell her anything - which I don't encourage. THAT would be thinking about her feelings and not your own. But you won't do that. You can't. You are incapable of it at this point in your life.

 

You need to grow up and move on and let her move on. Usually there are varied opinions from posters here; it's a strength of this board. Has it escaped your attention that not one person - male or female - that has replied to your situation with anything other than "leave the poor girl alone"??????

 

I suggest you peruse the Abuse forum. I'll put money on you finding some women that are/have been in your ex's shoes in various stages of recovery. Then maybe you can begin to grasp what you truly have done, because you're not getting it here. You don't want to truly accept that you inflicted emotional abuse on this girl and that, no matter what spin you put on it, you were a sh*tty boyfriend. But nothing we say will ever convince you of that, I think.

 

Self-esteem isn't all about body image. What would happen the next time you felt insecure in your relationship? You'd lash out and hurt her again. That's money.

 

I can only say this so many times so here's the last one: Leave this girl alone to heal and work on healing yourself. I wish you luck in that endeavor. But not in your pursuit.

 

I'm out.

[aares]

I do NOT want the control back, period(.) I extremely enjoyed her love and companionship. The controlling "phase" was me trying to keep her away from drugs that she could do, and guys that she could f***. Now, I think what the hell...why should I try and keep her away from that stuff? The drugs I would still keep her from, because no one needs to hang around with druggies, no one. My opinion on keeping her away from most guys has changed because I figure that if she would do something with another guy, then oh well...it would most likely eventually occur, so why try and stop it? Better now than 4 years from now.

 

I do need to grow up, and again this is a learning experience for me, and already I am a better person without the professional help I am getting soon. No, I cannot let a woman that I love and care for immensely just disappear out of my life. Anyone can blame me for being selfish and only caring about myself, but that is not the truth. Does this mean that if a person messes up in a relationship, they should call it quits, tell their mate that they shouldnt be together and move 100 miles away and never talk to them again? That is what it sounds like from most of you. I am not saying I dont want anyones advice, I just dont want everone thinking that I am a complete assclown now and forever, that I am selfish and stupid because I am not.

 

I dont consider myself a bad boyfriend completely, just near the end. The next time I felt insecure in my relationship, I will tell her what is making me insecure, and see what she can do about it. She SHOULD respect my feelings and remove herself from the situation that makes me insecure. If she doesnt, then I will most likely get rid of her, depending on the circumstance.

 

I have been leaving her alone, but she messaged me. She called a few hours ago but I didnt answer. I called her back like two hours ago and we talked and she asked what I was doing later because she was coming near my house. I told her I had plans because I did. I asked her to dinner and she accepted, so in a few days we are going to dinner (hopefully). I will continue my LC thing going, but only if she trys to contact me. Thanks for the replies everyone. I know it has been hard for me to understand things, and realize that I am not trying to argue with anyone, I was/am just lost in this whole escapade and I dont see things with as much clarity as I usually would.

[guest]

1

[strange love]

You know I read this post and reread it a few times. Ive read all the replies and I have read all the details.

 

Some of the posters to this thread are very ignorant and arent helping matters much.

 

Your very young to start analyzing your psyche and your motivation for doing things.

Thats a tough thing to do I know I have spent the close to the last year figuring that out.

Kudos for that.

 

Id like to make a suggestion in regards to counselling, you dont need a doctor u need a counsellor however lest I forget your in the states I assume and I there is servuces you have to pay for. However you should be able to get free counselling perhaps from a help line or what did was I ended up going to see a reverend... They have to go through a few years of training in counselling. He was able to show me why my girlfriend did things, why I did things but mostly he opened my eyes about her.

 

I think your ex agreeing to meet you is a good sign but you obviously have to deal with your issues as well, and Id like to point out seems like she has issues.

 

If you treat a woman well in and out of the bedroom and if you can learn about how to communicate with her you shouldnt have to worry about her cheating on you, and perhaps making yourself less available at times.

You need to learn about the type of intimacy women need and that comes through chatting with her asking about her taking an interest learning empathy for her etc..

See women convey intimacy through conversation men do it through psychical contact..

 

Listen keep this in mind the last months have been alot of bickering and crying take this as a new lease, you can hang out with her and learn to enjoy the moment the romantic fires will burn again. She is probably also going to be watching how you react in public ie if she looks at a guy or other things how will you react and thats what a counsellor will help you with dealing with that issue and giving you ways to deal with situations like that.. Maybe you have to turn you head maybe you have to close your eyes maybe you could just stare at the menu

or maybe you could ask her to look you in the eyes and then take her hand gently and kiss it.. lol damn I should be getting paid for this oh well..

 

take care