LDR- he won't commit for fear of getting "too close"

[Sweeetie]

Whatever choice you make, you should spend some time figuring out why your self-respect is so lacking. If not, you will find yourself repeating this situation over and over again in the future with different men. Good luck.

 

The longer this drags on, the more damage it will do to your self esteem. Take it from someone who has been there. You have to prioritize your own needs over your feelings for him.

 

I'm certain in the long run you will feel empowered that you didn't settle for so little.

 

I know. The last thing I want to do is to lose my dignity. I just haven't liked a man this much before and that's why if the ball is in my court I don't want to walk away from this. Since he is interested in seeing me again perhaps I can lay out my terms as I did with exclusivity, eg constant communication, regularity etc. I really can't settle for less than that.

[ExpatInItaly]

I know. The last thing I want to do is to lose my dignity. I just haven't liked a man this much before and that's why if the ball is in my court I don't want to walk away from this. Since he is interested in seeing me again perhaps I can lay out my terms as I did with exclusivity, eg constant communication, regularity etc. I really can't settle for less than that.

 

Oh dear.

 

You shouldn't need to campaign so hard for his time and attention. The ball is not in your court at all, to be honest. You more or less agreed to his terms. Again.

 

Look, if you have to basically convince a guy to be with you (and convince yourself his terms are alright with you) he's not the right one. The right one would be worried about letting you go. Notice how that's not the case here?

 

He is willing to be exclusive but not call it a relationship -what does that even mean? I wouldn't believe for a hot second he won't be dating others too. Why are you settling for someone who doesn't see a future with you?

 

I don't think this will end well for you.

Edited December 22, 2015 by ExpatInItaly

[Sweeetie]

Oh dear.

 

You shouldn't need to campaign so hard for his time and attention. The ball is not in your court at all, to be honest. You more or less agreed to his terms. Again.

 

Look, if you have to basically convince a guy to be with you (and convince yourself his terms are alright with you) he's not the right one. The right one would be worried about letting you go. Notice how that's not the case here?

 

He is willing to be exclusive but not call it a relationship -what does that even mean? I wouldn't believe for a hot second he won't be dating others too. Why are you settling for someone who doesn't see a future with you?

 

I don't think this will end well for you.

 

I know that I'm much more into this than he is. That's why I haven't replied to his text and it has been 3 days. It is just that he used to be very much into me before, it is just that the weekend that he came to visit me somehow made him lose interest. But he is interested enough to fly to visit me again if we are not official...perhaps down the line he will like me more and want to commit. That's why I'm considering contacting him again.

[kidm]

I know that I'm much more into this than he is. That's why I haven't replied to his text and it has been 3 days. It is just that he used to be very much into me before, it is just that the weekend that he came to visit me somehow made him lose interest. But he is interested enough to fly to visit me again if we are not official...perhaps down the line he will like me more and want to commit. That's why I'm considering contacting him again.

 

 

Sweetie, you need to let go. It's over. The man is not willing to develop a genuine relationship with you. Not to sound cliche' but he is just not that into you. He has told you that several times. Please stop trying to rationalize settling for less than you want. You want a committed long-term relationship. He doesn't. Please move on. Settling for anything less will devalue you in his eyes. He will never commit. Trust me on this one. He will meet someone locally and he will either break things off with you OR he will give you enough breadcrumbs to keep you on the hook for trysts when he is in town. The chances of going from a casual sex relationship (even if it's "exclusive") to fully committed relationship is SLIM TO NONE, especially with long distance compounding the situation.

 

Please walk away with your dignity. He knows you are desperate because you are backtracking on your needs/wants and it sounds like he is ready to pounce on your weakness and desperation as long as it's not him forcing you and you're serving it up on a silver platter in hopes that he will come around in the future.

 

You have to put your big girl underwear on and gather the strength to let go. Easier said than done but you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt down the road. This is a disaster waiting to happen.

 

I wish you the best.

[StBreton]

Hey Sweeetie

 

I've been one of the nay sayers on this issue. Please let this one go. You're making someone a priority who sees you as an option.

 

You like this guy so much that you're willing to devalue a basic need/want in a relationship...that of defining what "it" is. That's just wrong and it doesn't really suit you. You will wind up feeling insecure as time goes on (if you continue seeing this doofus)... regretting becoming more emotionally invested and be very hurt. You'll be the one picking up the pieces of your broken heart.

 

Why does this guy have such an issue with defining what the two of you have as a "relationship"? (besides the obvious of not being a gentleman...but we saw how he handled the whole reneging of paying for dinner ...this guy is no gentleman...I personally would kick him to the curb...and I know it's hard as you like him. As others have said...you need to look at why you're willing to tolerate this).

 

I think the guy just wants to keep his options open. Sure you're exclusive ...till he finds someone else (the bigger better "local" deal). Do you see what he's doing? If you do and you don't care, I highly recommend seeing a therapist so she can talk you down from the roof of the 10 story building...you'll be committing emotional suicide if you stay. Maybe you need to live this hurtful experience to learn to never go for this kind of situation again and put yourself first. For some people, they just need to learn the hard way...mostly young people ...cause most of us old folks haven't got time for the pain (as Carly Simon would say:))

 

Why hasn't this guy called you in 3 days? He's waiting for you?

 

 

I, too, wish you the best...heavy sigh

Edited December 22, 2015 by StBreton

[AspenBaldwin]

Sounds like the kind of guy

who doesn't shower for

fear of getting too wet.

[Sweeetie]

I am feeling terrible. I was strong for 3 days but I gave into my emotions and contacted him, knowing that it would either be this or lose him. I texted him last night, to ask him to give me some more information about what this 'casual arrangement' would be like "so that I can make a decision". It has been almost 24 hours, and he has not replied to me. I don't know what hurts more; his apparent loss of interest or me losing my dignity.

 

One could think that I regret reaching out to him after being so strong, but in truth, I don't. I would much rather deal with rejection than regret and the "what if". The ball is not in my court anymore; I have done absolutely everything to keep something going between me and him so now I can rest. I would just like him to reply to me, whether it be a yes or a no, so that I can move on if that's it.

 

Nobody deserves to suffer at this Holiday time and I have done absolutely nothing to deserve it. Perhaps the only thing I could have done differently was when I 'ended things' that day due to his uncertainty, which made him re-think his feelings and realise he didn't want this anymore either. I regret that soo much and wish I had not done that, I would not be crying now if I had only been more patient.

 

I am 26, have had 3 boyfriends and have never liked any man as much as I like him. Spending time with him was some of the best days of my life and now whenever I look at anything or think of any recent experience I look at it as "before him" and "after him". If anything I am so grateful for the time that he was in my life and it is worth the tears that won't stop falling now.

Edited December 23, 2015 by Sweeetie

[ExpatInItaly]

I am feeling terrible. I was strong for 3 days but I gave into my emotions and contacted him, knowing that it would either be this or lose him. I texted him last night, to ask him to give me some more information about what this 'casual arrangement' would be like "so that I can make a decision". It has been almost 24 hours, and he has not replied to me. I don't know what hurts more; his apparent loss of interest or me losing my dignity.

 

One could think that I regret reaching out to him after being so strong, but in truth, I don't. I would much rather deal with rejection than regret and the "what if". The ball is not in my court anymore; I have done absolutely everything to keep something going between me and him so now I can rest. I would just like him to reply to me, whether it be a yes or a no, so that I can move on if that's it.

 

Nobody deserves to suffer at this Holiday time and I have done absolutely nothing to deserve it. Perhaps the only thing I could have done differently was when I 'ended things' that day due to his uncertainty, which made him re-think his feelings and realise he didn't want this anymore either. I regret that soo much and wish I had not done that, I would not be crying now if I had only been more patient.

 

I am 26, have had 3 boyfriends and have never liked any man as much as I like him. Spending time with him was some of the best days of my life and now whenever I look at anything or think of any recent experience I look at it as "before him" and "after him". If anything I am so grateful for the time that he was in my life and it is worth the tears that won't stop falling now.

 

And do you feel this would have changed the end result? I don't. You'd still be wondering where you stood with him while he continued to enjoy visiting you but with no expectations. He wasn't in it for the same reasons you were. I don't think being more patient would have changed that.

 

Of course no one deserves to suffer, and I am certainly sorry for your pain. But in the end, you've done yourself a huge favour. You allowed that casual arrangement to continue for a bit, then called him out on it when it didn't feel right for you anymore. That was a very good thing because you were acknowledging your own needs and desires. Unfortunately they don't line up with his. You compromised a bit on your own values when you didn't get the answer you wanted by agreeing to keep it casual, but you need to stay strong. He isn't going to provide you with the type of commitment you want. Stop sacrificing what you truly want in hopes it will make it him stick around.

 

His silence, while hurtful, is the answer. He already made himself clear that he didn't want to call this a relationship. His actions are backing up those words. He's already verbalized that to you. What more clarification do you need? What other information do you need? That's a sincere question. You need to stop changing the goalposts on your own desires and needs.

[mattelipstick]

I'm sorry you're hurting, but you don't really get to play the "I don't deserve to be treated this way!" card. Remember we talked about this when you reestablished contact -- what you're going through now is a direct consequence of your own decisions and refusal to let go. It's not on him to look out for your feelings when you don't look out for yourself.

 

You are way romanticizing things in your head at this point. Your entire life is now divided into before and after a guy you didn't even know like 3 months ago? One who won't let you visit him, doesn't communicate with you, and won't even buy you a meal? Come on, girl. He has done nothing to deserve the pedestal you've placed him on. At all.

[lana-banana]

I texted him last night, to ask him to give me some more information about what this 'casual arrangement' would be like "so that I can make a decision".

 

Let me answer for him. The casual arrangement will be exactly like what you have now. He may come to visit once in a blue moon and he will expect sex. You will not be exclusive. He will only respond to your texts or emails when he feels like it. Your arrangement will end when he falls in love and meets a woman he wants to commit to. That woman is not and will never be you.

 

I'm not saying this to be a jerk; I'm saying it because I was once in this situation and, like you, I refused to accept it. I kept pursuing until he was forced to be cruel. It shattered me, but I had it coming. It was entirely my fault. I didn't listen.

 

One could think that I regret reaching out to him after being so strong, but in truth, I don't. I would much rather deal with rejection than regret and the "what if".

 

You are so desperate for his affection you don't realize you've already been rejected. There is no "what if".

 

The ball is not in my court anymore; I have done absolutely everything to keep something going between me and him so now I can rest.

 

A tip for the future: when someone cares about you, you don't HAVE to do "absolutely everything to keep something going". Someone who cares about you will make the effort and then some. Don't settle for anything less.

 

I am 26, have had 3 boyfriends and have never liked any man as much as I like him. Spending time with him was some of the best days of my life and now whenever I look at anything or think of any recent experience I look at it as "before him" and "after him". If anything I am so grateful for the time that he was in my life and it is worth the tears that won't stop falling now.

 

Even if this guy sh-ts hundred-dollar bills there is no way in hell he's worth this kind of talk. The good part about writing it down is now you can look at it with a bit of distance. Was this guy your one true love? Was he your husband of five decades? Did he promise you the moon and stars and offer to run away with you? No, he was just a dude who wasn't particularly interested in you, hooked up with you a few times, and broke it off in less than three months. You want to make a guy who never really cared about you the defining experience of your life? Come on. This guy can't even be bothered to reply to a text? Writing this entire post took me less than three minutes.

 

It's Christmas. Pour yourself a glass of eggnog and spend time with family (or browse the Internet while waiting for more family to arrive, like me!). Be grateful for what you do have---your health, career, family, wits, energy, passions, and so on. You should dedicate the next year to the one person in your life who truly deserves to be celebrated: YOU!

[Sweeetie]

Hello everyone, happy new year. I have not been on here for a while due to being on vacation for the holidays. I appreciate your posts so far . I have an update on the situation:

 

The guy did end up replying to my text about how a casual arrangement is going to work, and surprisingly he actually asked me to set the rules for it, asked me how I want it to be- even asked if I'd like him to visit me more often! I said that in order for me to agree to it we would just need to maintain regular communication, to which he said "we can improve that for sure." I didn't ask anything more than that since I didn't want to push him. I also suggested that we could meet somewhere halfway next time and explore a new city or go hiking. He was open to the idea but said that he had no problem coming to my hometown.

 

We were talking about which weekend he would come visit next, he had one in mind for the end of this month but wasn't sure due to friends arranging a ski trip around that time, so he said we should discuss it after my vacation when he will know for certain.

 

Over the next few days he proceeded to text me even during my vacation, wishing me 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year', even wished me a 'safe flight' when I was on my way back home. This all led me to think that maybe things were going up.

 

However, now I haven't heard from him in a week. He might have lost interest, but it's weird given how things were just recently and we didn't fight or anything. Perhaps he's just waiting to confirm the dates that he can visit. But I did say that I need regular communication in order to agree to this arrangement.

 

Whatever it is, I'm getting tired of this 'on and off'. I'm tired of his indecisiveness and giving false hope to me like this. It's making me lose interest. In all honesty I doubt I would enjoy another weekend with him given that this time I'll know I mean nothing to him. I have decided not to text him again unless he texts me.

Edited January 9, 2016 by Sweeetie

[kidm]

Hello everyone, happy new year. I have not been on here for a while due to being on vacation for the holidays. I appreciate your posts so far . I have an update on the situation:

 

The guy did end up replying to my text about how a casual arrangement is going to work, and surprisingly he actually asked me to set the rules for it, asked me how I want it to be- even asked if I'd like him to visit me more often! I said that in order for me to agree to it we would just need to maintain regular communication, to which he said "we can improve that for sure." I didn't ask anything more than that since I didn't want to push him. I also suggested that we could meet somewhere halfway next time and explore a new city or go hiking. He was open to the idea but said that he had no problem coming to my hometown.

 

We were talking about which weekend he would come visit next, he had one in mind for the end of this month but wasn't sure due to friends arranging a ski trip around that time, so he said we should discuss it after my vacation when he will know for certain.

 

Over the next few days he proceeded to text me even during my vacation, wishing me 'Merry Christmas' and 'Happy New Year', even wished me a 'safe flight' when I was on my way back home. This all led me to think that maybe things were going up.

 

However, now I haven't heard from him in a week. He might have lost interest, but it's weird given how things were just recently and we didn't fight or anything. Perhaps he's just waiting to confirm the dates that he can visit. But I did say that I need regular communication in order to agree to this arrangement.

 

Whatever it is, I'm getting tired of this 'on and off'. I'm tired of his indecisiveness and giving false hope to me like this. It's making me lose interest. In all honesty I doubt I would enjoy another weekend with him given that this time I'll know I mean nothing to him. I have decided not to text him again unless he texts me.

 

 

I don't see anything he is doing to you. You're doing it to yourself. You DO want a relationship and are expecting relationship-type treatment (example regular contact) which he has told you he can't commit to. This is going to be a sexual relationship and you need to come to terms with it. He will reach out when he is ready to make concrete plans to meet up for some fun. Maybe during the times he meets you for sex, you two might go hiking, sightseeing or engage in some other activity but it still doesn't take away from the essence of the relationship- a casual no string attached thing. You are not cut out for this. I can tell from everything you've typed since you started this thread. This is not your thing but you are still trying to hold on for dear life. Sheeesh, girl. I am not surprised he asked you to tell him what your expectations are. When it all blows up in your face and you develop feelings and want commitment, he can remind you that this is what you wanted and he didn't force you. I don't see this ending well. Sorry.

Edited January 11, 2016 by kidm

[Emilia]

There is no indecision on his part. He has been clear he only wants sex. He will talk to you if he loses interest in the woman he is seeing now. Until then you will be on the backburner. You should ignore his texts if he gets in touch.

[StBreton]

Hey Sweeetie, Happy New Year to you, too.

 

Sorry to hear this guy is still doing the hot/cold thing. I didn't expect anything different...I know that sounds harsh but this guy would have hit the curb hard ... a long time ago ... if I were in any situation with him. Yes I'm older than you but this wouldn't have been ok in my 20s, 30s and definitely not ok now.

 

I'll share this with you...I met someone out with friends back in November. He has a daughter who lives down the street from me but lives in Seattle. He's called me/texted me a few times a day since we met. Sometimes we talk on the phone for 3 hours! He tells me all the time how much he enjoys this "thing" we have now...neither of us wants to define it until we spend time together. He did ask me out when he was here visiting but I declined...he was here to see his daughter and I wouldn't take away that time with her. He will be here for 10 days starting next week...coming to see me. If things go well, I'll be going out there in 2 weeks. This guy let's me know in as many ways he can that he likes me. He tells me he's not dating anyone now and we don't talk about "why" ... I personally think he wants to let things play out with us. I've got some cold feet and very nervous about the idea of a relationship, but that's another story.

 

Takeaway: If a guy is into you, he'll be all over himself letting you know. You deserve better Sweeetie:) I know you like this guy but sometimes you have to turn away and find someone who likes you as much as you like him. please do this ok? Your New Year's resolution

[mattelipstick]

I don't see anything he is doing to you. You're doing it to yourself. You DO want a relationship and are expecting relationship-type treatment (example regular contact) which he has told you he can't commit to. This is going to be a sexual relationship and you need to come to terms with it. He will reach out when he is ready to make concrete plans to meet up for some fun. Maybe during the times he meets you for sex, you two might go hiking, sightseeing or engage in some other activity but it still doesn't take away from the essence of the relationship- a casual no string attached thing. You are not cut out for this. I can tell from everything you've typed since you started this thread. This is not your thing but you are still trying to hold on for dear life. Sheeesh, girl. I am not surprised he asked you to tell him what your expectations are. When it all blows up in your face and you develop feelings and want commitment, he can remind you that this is what you wanted and he didn't force you. I don't see this ending well. Sorry.

 

Exactly this. All of this.

 

ETA: Happy New Year, Sweeetie -- here's hoping you celebrate (albeit a little late) by knocking him off the pedestal you've placed him on.

[RySant]

These are my thoughts too but a point to make here is that he likes me enough to keep flying to visit me (I can't fly to him because of his living arrangements). And he keeps telling me that he wants us to carry on. Doesn't that make it a bit more encouraging?

 

He doesn't have anyone... yet. So of course he'll fly to you. ONce he meets someone local (I assure you he will) then no more flying to you.

[Sweeetie]

I am on the fence about texting him. There was once a time that he was really into me and part of me feels that that time can come back if he sees me- it's been 6 weeks since he did...I just don't know what to do

[Els]

OP, I'm not sure what you're looking for from us. I don't think anyone can tell you anything that we haven't already told you dozens of times. Him coming to see you would have mattered in the context of an actual relationship, but that isn't what this is. So it doesn't matter in this case.

 

As much as I am a fan of prioritizing actions over words, there still needs to be a bare minimum of words - for instance, acknowledging that he wants to be with you. If there isn't that, then what differentiates you from a booty call? It's not unheard-of for men to travel to see an escort or a mistress.

[hippychick3]

I am on the fence about texting him. There was once a time that he was really into me and part of me feels that that time can come back if he sees me- it's been 6 weeks since he did...I just don't know what to do

 

Sweeetie, if you go back and read through the 5 pages of responses, I guarantee you'd have your answer and know exactly what to do.

[StBreton]

Sweeetie, if you go back and read through the 5 pages of responses, I guarantee you'd have your answer and know exactly what to do.

 

I think it's hard for sweeetie. She's become almost obsessed because she likes this guy more than any other guy she's met. Ugh!

 

Sweeetie I know it's hard to walk away. If you go total NC ...in 3 months you'll realize letting go of this guy was the best thing for you. Stop contacting him and block block every way for him to contact you. Delete his number so you aren't tempted to contact him. When you feel like dating again ...look for someone local who has similar qualities as this guy ...but who is nice and kind to you and cares about your feelings. These are your 20s girl!!! Don't blow them on this guy. It's like you're at prom and refusing to dance except with one particular guy ...and the guy only wants to dance 1 dance with you. Don't ruin your prom for this guy!!

Edited January 12, 2016 by StBreton

[ExpatInItaly]

Stop doing this to yourself. He's not going to be the boyfriend you're looking for. He keeps telling you this - in so many words - and you for some reason don't believe him.

 

You really need to cut this off once and for all. He doesn't feel the same way about you.

[Sweeetie]

I think it's hard for sweeetie. She's become almost obsessed because she likes this guy more than any other guy she's met. Ugh!

 

Sweeetie I know it's hard to walk away. If you go total NC ...in 3 months you'll realize letting go of this guy was the best thing for you. Stop contacting him and block block every way for him to contact you. Delete his number so you aren't tempted to contact him. When you feel like dating again ...look for someone local who has similar qualities as this guy ...but who is nice and kind to you and cares about your feelings. These are your 20s girl!!! Don't blow them on this guy. It's like you're at prom and refusing to dance except with one particular guy ...and the guy only wants to dance 1 dance with you. Don't ruin your prom for this guy!!

 

I know that you're saying is right. It's just that I don't want to regret not contacting him and letting this drift off into the blue. He likes me enough to be willing to fly to come see me. I have accepted that we are not going to have a relationship and to be honest I don't want a relationship with this man anymore, thinking about it all. I've not done something like this before, but we enjoy each other. If I have a choice: to contact him and see him again or to not contact him and not see him again, I would rather do the former and not have any regret.

[mattelipstick]

Oh, girl. I'm throwing in the towel on this thread other than to peek in... I have wasted a ton of keystrokes in here lol.

[Sweeetie]

Oh, girl. I'm throwing in the towel on this thread other than to peek in... I have wasted a ton of keystrokes in here lol.

 

No mattelipstick- you have been the most helpful of them all. You have predicted things to the point, and you have given me a clear picture of what I would be getting myself into. Thanks to mostly you, I would be going into this aware of everything rather than ignorantly and getting heartbroken. I appreciate your input greatly.

[ExpatInItaly]

I know that you're saying is right. It's just that I don't want to regret not contacting him and letting this drift off into the blue. He likes me enough to be willing to fly to come see me. I have accepted that we are not going to have a relationship and to be honest I don't want a relationship with this man anymore, thinking about it all. I've not done something like this before, but we enjoy each other. If I have a choice: to contact him and see him again or to not contact him and not see him again, I would rather do the former and not have any regret.

 

Just don't be dishonest with yourself, because your thread indicates you're most certainly not okay with a casual arrangement. I fear you are denying your own needs and desires because you just don't want to admit to yourself that he doesn't want to be your boyfriend. And that's not good.

 

If you contact him and make plans, you can't really ever complain about him blowing hot-and-cold because you're actively participating in this. Envision what the future will look like - I can almost promise he will one day tell you he can't come see you and you can't go see him anymore because he's met another woman. Or you might come to learn that he is sleeping with other women and you at the same time. (It's not out of the realm of possibility that this is already happening) A man who really wants to be with you will be with you; he will act interested and will not insist on keeping it casual. He is doing none of those things. You are more or less campaigning for his attention and affection and agreeing to terms that you're not comfortable with. You would never need to do that with someone who actually wants to be with you.