LDR- he won't commit for fear of getting "too close"

[Sweeetie]

That is far You already have the answers you're looking for, I think. Do you need him to actually tell you that?

 

No, I don't. I don't have answers for him telling me he "doesn't want to lose me" and that he "really wants to continue" and then not coming after me when this wish was threatened. That is what I want to ask him; why he said those things when he didn't actually mean them.

[Sweeetie]

Do I think it will "work" in the sense that it will make him want to commit to you? No. Not at all. I don't want to sound harsh, but nothing about that message is dignified. It sounds needy, desperate and pathetic. And the part about "postponing thinking about an official relationship" screams "HEY, I KNOW I SAID I WANTED TO BE IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP AND REALLY I STILL DO -- BUT I'M WILLING TO LOWER MYSELF AND TAKE WHATEVER SCRAPS YOU'RE OFFERING BECAUSE I'M SUPER DESPERATE NOT TO LOSE YOU."

 

He will see right through you -- and yeah, he'll probably go along with it because he'd be getting exactly what he wants. Sex and company from you when it's convenient for him with none of the obligation. You paying for everything. You not being able to come visit him and thus, not really intruding on his space. Which, by the way, is a total crock. Even if he lives at home, he could easily get a hotel for the weekend so you could come visit. Anybody who was really into you would want you to have a glimpse into their day to day life, meet people who are important to them, etc.

 

He's a grown man. You don't have to TELL somebody, "Hey, come chase after me to show you care!" If the person really cares, they will do it on their own. He told you he doesn't want to be in a relationship and you cut things off because you DO want that. At that point, he owes you nothing by way of further explanation because he already told you where he stood. You just aren't listening.

 

I can already tell you're going to send the message, and that's fine. But you do yourself no favors pretending that it's dignified when I'm pretty sure you know it isn't. If you're so into him that you're willing to do away with your standards, just own it and ride the wave until it fizzles out. I think most young women have been there (I know I have), which is why everybody who has posted in this thread can already tell you how this story ends.

 

You're exactly right. It's like you can read my mind! I will take out the part about the relationship, I agree it does sound like I am prepared to lower my standards for him. I just really don't want to lose him and if he does come visit me again, perhaps next time he will feel like committing to an official relationship.

[mattelipstick]

You're exactly right. It's like you can read my mind! I will take out the part about the relationship, I agree it does sound like I am prepared to lower my standards for him. I just really don't want to lose him and if he does come visit me again, perhaps next time he will feel like committing to an official relationship.

 

Taking that part out makes no difference. You ARE willing to lower your standards -- even if you don't come right out and say it in the message, you're telling him through your actions. Why would he feel compelled to commit to you when he already knows you don't really require it? By being strong and telling him you won't settle for less -- then turning around and doing just the opposite because you're desperate -- you're showing him right up front that you are weak and can't stand by your convictions. Men generally respect women who value themselves and stick to their guns. You'll stick around even if he does not commit and once you send that message, he will know it.

 

This is why I say you have to let go of the mental gymnastics and just admit to yourself that you're willing to do whatever it takes to keep him around. It is what it is.

 

And you do have the answer for why he disappeared after he said he didn't want to lose you. You smartly responded to that by saying it wasn't enough if he would not commit. He does not want to commit. Thus, he disappeared. It's really that simple. What you wanted was for him to come back and say he'd rather commit than lose you. He didn't do that because he doesn't feel that way.

 

You have become the pursuer here, full stop.

[Sweeetie]

Taking that part out makes no difference. You ARE willing to lower your standards -- even if you don't come right out and say it in the message, you're telling him through your actions. Why would he feel compelled to commit to you when he already knows you don't really require it? By being strong and telling him you won't settle for less -- then turning around and doing just the opposite because you're desperate -- you're showing him right up front that you are weak and can't stand by your convictions. Men generally respect women who value themselves and stick to their guns. You'll stick around even if he does not commit and once you send that message, he will know it.

 

This is why I say you have to let go of the mental gymnastics and just admit to yourself that you're willing to do whatever it takes to keep him around. It is what it is.

 

And you do have the answer for why he disappeared after he said he didn't want to lose you. You smartly responded to that by saying it wasn't enough if he would not commit. He does not want to commit. Thus, he disappeared. It's really that simple. What you wanted was for him to come back and say he'd rather commit than lose you. He didn't do that because he doesn't feel that way.

 

You have become the pursuer here, full stop.

 

I didn't end it because of his reluctance to commit, but purely because he said he is "scared of getting really close". And I didn't say that I would text him and ask him to give it another go, but more to hear the truth from him after he gave me so many false impressions : "I don't want to lose you", "I really like you a lot", "I don't want us to stop" etc. This is what I've decided to say to him:

 

"Hi Paul, I hope you're having a good week. I just have to say that's I'm a little surprised; how is it that you kept saying you "don't want to lose me" and then just let this go when I expressed doubts on Friday, without coming after me?

I needed to see that you meant what you said… Instead I just got your silence… Does this mean that it was all in pretence and just a game to you?

To give some value to all the time and effort that I put into this, I think I deserve to be told the truth rather than left to just work it out. "

 

Does this really make me sound all that weak?

Edited December 16, 2015 by Sweeetie

[mattelipstick]

I didn't end it because of his reluctance to commit, but purely because he said he is "scared of getting really close". And I didn't say that I would text him and ask him to give it another go, but more to hear the truth from him after he gave me so many false impressions : "I don't want to lose you", "I really like you a lot", "I don't want us to stop" etc. For all the time and effort I have put into this I really do need to hear the truth from him.

 

Sweeetie, be honest with yourself here. You *are* hoping to give it another go, even though he will not commit to you. You keep saying it's just about wanting an honest answer, but you've said a ton of times in this thread that you don't want to let him go. You literally just said you're hoping that he'll change his mind if he keeps visiting you. Giving it another go is exactly what your goal is, if you're being honest with yourself.

 

I don't think you can assume he didn't mean the things he said. I'm sure he does like you. I'm sure he didn't want the relationship you had to end. Based on your other threads about him, he doesn't treat you to anything. He doesn't communicate with you as often as you'd like. He doesn't tell his parents you exist. You can't go visit him. He won't commit to when he'll visit you again. And on top of ALL of that, he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship. Your response to all of that is to wine & dine him, sleep with him, and be someone he can turn to when he needs you. I don't think there are very many men who would want that to end.

 

So yeah, I'm sure he did mean those things. The difference is that he said them in an attempt to talk you into maintaining the kind of casual relationship that was making you unhappy. There is a big difference between (1) someone liking you and not wanting to lose the arrangement you have on their terms, and (2) someone caring for you enough to want to commit to building a real relationship with you. I don't see anywhere in this story where he lied or misled you.

 

My response is more about you than it is about him. It's fine to reach out to him and rekindle things if that's what you want. I don't think it's remotely the right thing to do, but I've been in your shoes in my 20s (more times than I'd like to admit, honestly) and have done what you're looking to do here -- so I do understand and empathize with you. For the sake of your personal growth, however, I think you owe it to yourself to get real about what your true motivations are. Own the choices you are making and be honest with yourself about what is driving you to make them (e.g., loneliness, desperation, need for validation, fear of being by yourself, etc.). I think that self-awareness is important.

[mattelipstick]

Does this really make me sound all that weak?

 

Well... it's better than your first draft, I guess lol. I do think he will see it for exactly what it is (an attempt to reestablish contact), but I don't think that matters much.

[Sweeetie]

Sweeetie, be honest with yourself here. You *are* hoping to give it another go, even though he will not commit to you. You keep saying it's just about wanting an honest answer, but you've said a ton of times in this thread that you don't want to let him go. You literally just said you're hoping that he'll change his mind if he keeps visiting you. Giving it another go is exactly what your goal is, if you're being honest with yourself.

 

I don't think you can assume he didn't mean the things he said. I'm sure he does like you. I'm sure he didn't want the relationship you had to end. Based on your other threads about him, he doesn't treat you to anything. He doesn't communicate with you as often as you'd like. He doesn't tell his parents you exist. You can't go visit him. He won't commit to when he'll visit you again. And on top of ALL of that, he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship. Your response to all of that is to wine & dine him, sleep with him, and be someone he can turn to when he needs you. I don't think there are very many men who would want that to end.

 

So yeah, I'm sure he did mean those things. The difference is that he said them in an attempt to talk you into maintaining the kind of casual relationship that was making you unhappy. There is a big difference between (1) someone liking you and not wanting to lose the arrangement you have on their terms, and (2) someone caring for you enough to want to commit to building a real relationship with you. I don't see anywhere in this story where he lied or misled you.

 

My response is more about you than it is about him. It's fine to reach out to him and rekindle things if that's what you want. I don't think it's remotely the right thing to do, but I've been in your shoes in my 20s (more times than I'd like to admit, honestly) and have done what you're looking to do here -- so I do understand and empathize with you. For the sake of your personal growth, however, I think you owe it to yourself to get real about what your true motivations are. Own the choices you are making and be honest with yourself about what is driving you to make them (e.g., loneliness, desperation, need for validation, fear of being by yourself, etc.). I think that self-awareness is important.

 

I know you're right. You're absolutely and 100% right. I am just too attached to him and I want to see him again. I could choose the option of sticking by my guns and not contacting him again, showing him I am strong and to be respected, but that won't help me to see him again. I want to spend more time with him and hope that next time he visits, he feels stronger towards me. Just a week ago he asked me when he could next come, early January he was thinking, we said probably mid January. Then 2 days later this happened...

 

I want to reach out to him before it's not too late; it's been 5 days so far. Even if he does see it as an attempt to re-establish contact, I'd rather have that than this diffusing into nothing.

Edited December 16, 2015 by Sweeetie

[mattelipstick]

I know you're right. You're absolutely and 100% right. I am just too attached to him and I want to see him again. I could choose the option of sticking by my guns and not contacting him again, showing him I am strong and to be respected, but that won't help me to see him again. I want to spend more time with him and hope that next time he visits, he feels stronger towards me. Just a week ago he asked me when he could next come, early January he was thinking, we said probably mid January.

 

I want to reach out to him before it's not too late; it's been 5 days so far. Even if he does see it as an attempt to re-establish contact, I'd rather have that than this diffusing into nothing.

 

Atta girl. And yeah, I've been there. It sounds pathetic and I cringe when I look back on it, but I wasted a lot of time in situations where I decided I just wanted the guy in my life, period -- regardless of whether my needs were really being met or if I was being true to myself. It happens.

 

Just send it and let the chips fall where they may. But try to remain mindful that you can't be upset with him going forward if/when you get what you settled for.

[Sweeetie]

I contacted him. It was just as you predicted, mattelipstick.

 

He replied:

 

"Hi Laura, you too. I couldn't think what to say on Friday then just let it drift - sorry, you deserved better. In all honesty you're great and I really enjoy your company - I hope you know that. But I have too many doubts about building this relationship long distance, more difficult than anticipated when you asked whether we should give it a try - I felt pretty awful after returning from the weekend with you thinking that was it for 6 weeks. I don't want to lose what we have, it's not an easy way out - but I'm struggling to see it flourishing long term. I hope you can see where I'm coming from. Maybe I'm being too pessimistic but that's the honest answer."

 

So he's essentially saying that he does not want a relationship. I don't know what to say back; what would you recommend?

[hippychick3]

I contacted him. It was just as you predicted, mattelipstick.

 

He replied:

 

"Hi Laura, you too. I couldn't think what to say on Friday then just let it drift - sorry, you deserved better. In all honesty you're great and I really enjoy your company - I hope you know that. But I have too many doubts about building this relationship long distance, more difficult than anticipated when you asked whether we should give it a try - I felt pretty awful after returning from the weekend with you thinking that was it for 6 weeks. I don't want to lose what we have, it's not an easy way out - but I'm struggling to see it flourishing long term. I hope you can see where I'm coming from. Maybe I'm being too pessimistic but that's the honest answer."

 

So he's essentially saying that he does not want a relationship. I don't know what to say back; what would you recommend?

 

"I wish you all the best.

 

Happy Holidays,

Sweeetie"

[Sweeetie]

"I wish you all the best.

 

Happy Holidays,

Sweeetie"

 

But I do wish to see him again, even if he doesn't want a relationship with me at this stage

[hippychick3]

But I do wish to see him again, even if he doesn't want a relationship with me at this stage

 

Please just let go and move on. It's over.

 

Keep your dignity.

[Sweeetie]

Please just let go and move on. It's over.

 

Keep your dignity.

 

I wouldn't say it's over yet. I want to see him again

[TMichaels]

I wouldn't say it's over yet. I want to see him again

 

Ummm... It's not up to you. It's up to the two of you.

 

He's already told you where he stands. What you want is irrelevant. Do as everyone else has advised, act like a dignified adult and move on.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[mattelipstick]

I contacted him. It was just as you predicted, mattelipstick.

 

He replied:

 

"Hi Laura, you too. I couldn't think what to say on Friday then just let it drift - sorry, you deserved better. In all honesty you're great and I really enjoy your company - I hope you know that. But I have too many doubts about building this relationship long distance, more difficult than anticipated when you asked whether we should give it a try - I felt pretty awful after returning from the weekend with you thinking that was it for 6 weeks. I don't want to lose what we have, it's not an easy way out - but I'm struggling to see it flourishing long term. I hope you can see where I'm coming from. Maybe I'm being too pessimistic but that's the honest answer."

 

So he's essentially saying that he does not want a relationship. I don't know what to say back; what would you recommend?

 

What I recommend: "Thank you for your honesty. Take care."

 

This is definitely over on his end, and it's a little alarming that you can't see it. He does not want to be with you and it doesn't sound like he's interested in continuing your casual arrangement, now that he knows you want more. Which you should appreciate and accept as a sign that he respects you as a person -- honestly, a little more than you are respecting yourself at the moment. I know that isn't the answer you're looking for, but it's the answer.

 

I'll humor you. I mean, I guess you could go full doormat and just beg and plead with him to come visit you/have casual sex with you at his leisure while he dates other women locally. That is literally the only option other than letting this go (which is what you should do at this point).

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't say it's over yet. I want to see him again

 

Girl, no.

 

He ended it with you. I don't see how you can interpret his message in any other way. You might want to see him again but he apparently doesn't feel the same way.

 

Keep your self-respect in tact and walk away. He already has.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. Believe it or not, you did the right thing telling him how you felt. Yes, it did bring things to ahead, but that is a good thing because it made him address his feelings for you and the situation in the long term. If you had said nothing, this could have dragged on for months with the same result. The difference being how much more attached you would have become in that time, only to have it end for the same reason.

 

I'm sorry he didn't fight for you. When you meet the right guy, he won’t give up so easily. You deserve to experience that kind of love.

 

Life is too short to waste on the wrong person.

[violetdiamond]

I think it's very easy for other people to say to you "Just move on, it's over". You obviously have feelings for this person and it is not as simple as saying "Well I guess it's over, oh well". It is extremely difficult when one person decides it's over, and you are just supposed to go along with it. You feel angry and cheated. You can't stop the thoughts of that person from popping into your head, and you can't help the sadness that you feel.

 

I don't really have any advice for you, but I just wanted to say that I really feel for you and I think it's misguided for people to think that you are just going to "get over it" so easily and quickly. The heart wants what it wants. Good luck with everything.

[hippychick3]

I don't really have any advice for you, but I just wanted to say that I really feel for you and I think it's misguided for people to think that you are just going to "get over it" so easily and quickly. The heart wants what it wants. Good luck with everything.

 

I don't think anyone is implying that the OP will get over it easily and quickly. Most of us are experienced enough to know that it will be a difficult and possibly lengthy process....which doesn't mean it should be avoided.

 

Regardless of what the heart wants, the OP doesn't have that choice. It's been made for her. When either party wants out of a relationship, the relationship is over.

 

I feel for the OP and the pain she is going through. But if she doesn't face reality and let go, she will prolong the pain even further.

[StBreton]

I wouldn't say it's over yet. I want to see him again

 

For what purpose do you want to see him again?

 

To get closer? --- let it go

 

To see if he still likes you? ---let it go

 

To hang out with him? ---he's not interested...frankly I'm surprised you're interested...he's a grinch .... I wouldn't have anything to do with him...you deserve much better!!

 

Sweeetie...if you let it go for a few months...at that time you'll hardly remember why it was you wanted to hold onto him.

 

Go to the coping section and post there...so others can talk you through not contacting this douche...and that's just what he is ...sorry...if any guy treated me as he did you...I wouldn't give him the time of day...this guy doesn't know how to treat a lady. If you contact him...you'll only encourage his inability to grow a pair.

Edited December 19, 2015 by StBreton

[Sweeetie]

Hello everyone. I want to thank you all for your support and advice. It really means a lot to me.

 

An update: yes, I was very upset when the man told me that he didn't have faith in a relationship. But I responded to his message with dignity, saying how I wish that he had been honest with me and told me earlier that he didn't want a relationship. I also asked him if his liking for me was real. He replied "Ofcourse it is, and that's why this is hurting me and I was willing to try long-distance. It's not that I didn't want a relationship, I just became pessimistic about it working out." Personally I don't think he ever liked me that much and we have seen how his actions have shown this.

 

However I had grown way too attached to him and simply could not bear the thought of not seeing him again. Please don't judge me, but the intense pain I was going through provoked me to lower myself and say to him that maybe he is right, maybe we are thinking too seriously about this and thinking too far ahead. That it would be a shame to throw away what we have based on fear of what might happen in the future. That we don't need to label it a relationship.

 

To my relief he was enthusiastic about continuing to see me in the context that we are not in an official relationship: his reaction was "We enjoy each other for sure! We could try that, if you're sure it's what you want!" He agreed to be exclusive. I know that this action of mine has made me lose the respect of some of you here.

 

But I might regain your respect now by saying that I have thought about it and have now changed my mind. I wanted to see him again based on how happy I have felt thus far when I have been with him. But this happiness came with the belief that he likes me just as much and has been feeling as close to me as I have to him. Knowing that he doesn't, it just won't feel the same. When I look into his eyes I will know it's not real this time. The sex would be purely mechanical with no emotion. The security that I have felt so far when with him will not be there next time, knowing his heart isn't where mine is.

 

I would just like encouragement that I am taking the right step? Part of me is just thinking that perhaps if I go ahead, he will like me more the next time he visits and then we will be on the same page, maybe he will then feel like committing to a relationship. But then again he has had a lot of time to get to know me already and see my best side. If that's not enough for him, it will likely never be. What do you think?

Edited December 21, 2015 by Sweeetie

[mattelipstick]

No, there is no fairytale ending in that. At VERY BEST, he comes to visit when it's convenient for him. You, subconsciously still trying to prove to him why he should want to be with you, will roll out the red carpet and spoil him undeservingly while he's there. He'll enjoy the sex and entertainment and go back to his real life. And like you said, it won't be quite the same for you because you already know his heart isn't in it. When he's gone, you'll be broken and miserable because you won't be getting the kind of communication and reassurances you'll want after you've spent time with him -- because what you really want are the trappings of a real relationship that he's already told you like 3-4 times now he can't/won't give you. You'll lash out, and he'll remind you that he already told you he wasn't looking to tie himself down to anything, and that you're the one who suggested this arrangement. He'll be right -- and then you'll be right back where you started on page 1 of this thread, except for with more invested, more hurt feelings and more time wasted that you could've spent finding man who wants you.

 

You already know how this story ends, which is why you're second-guessing yourself. He could not possibly have been more clear about where he stands, and I have a bridge to sell you if you really think he won't be dating other women where he lives. Come on.

[Sweeetie]

No, there is no fairytale ending in that. At VERY BEST, he comes to visit when it's convenient for him. You, subconsciously still trying to prove to him why he should want to be with you, will roll out the red carpet and spoil him undeservingly while he's there. He'll enjoy the sex and entertainment and go back to his real life. And like you said, it won't be quite the same for you because you already know his heart isn't in it. When he's gone, you'll be broken and miserable because you won't be getting the kind of communication and reassurances you'll want after you've spent time with him -- because what you really want are the trappings of a real relationship that he's already told you like 3-4 times now he can't/won't give you. You'll lash out, and he'll remind you that he already told you he wasn't looking to tie himself down to anything, and that you're the one who suggested this arrangement. He'll be right -- and then you'll be right back where you started on page 1 of this thread, except for with more invested, more hurt feelings and more time wasted that you could've spent finding man who wants you.

 

You already know how this story ends, which is why you're second-guessing yourself. He could not possibly have been more clear about where he stands, and I have a bridge to sell you if you really think he won't be dating other women where he lives. Come on.

 

Everything you have said is true, I just like him a hell of a lot and that's why in my weak moments im reluctant to let this go so that he can see me again and I can have another shot at winning his heart. If he liked me a lot once, enough to want to keep seeing me after moving out of town, he can potentially like me a lot again. Also he did say that we would be exclusive "as long as we are seeing each other, as long as you really want to do this." I've not replied to his last text and it's been more than 2 days, I don't know what to do...

Edited December 21, 2015 by Sweeetie

[mattelipstick]

Everything you have said is true, I just like him a hell of a lot and that's why in my weak moments im reluctant to let this go so that he can see me again and I can have another shot at winning his heart. If he liked me a lot once, enough to want to keep seeing me after moving out of town, he can potentially like me a lot again. Also he did say that we would be exclusive "as long as we are seeing each other, as long as you really want to do this." I've not replied to his last text and it's been more than 2 days, I don't know what to do...

 

Whatever choice you make, you should spend some time figuring out why your self-respect is so lacking. If not, you will find yourself repeating this situation over and over again in the future with different men. Good luck.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

The longer this drags on, the more damage it will do to your self esteem. Take it from someone who has been there. You have to prioritize your own needs over your feelings for him.

 

I'm certain in the long run you will feel empowered that you didn't settle for so little.