Thrill Seekers – and relationships.

[FortySomethingGuy]

I am the horn dog ready to hump legs, while he tends to end up being the emotional softie.

 

It is interesting that, so often, a high-libido person ends up with low-libido partner, which results in so much frustration (I've been in the same boat). I wonder if there is a biological reason for this, or, if it is just nature's sick sense of humor.

 

My wife loves sex, but, she's of the opinion that less means more, i.e., that waiting a few days improves the quality - whereas, I think having sex every day improves the quality, and a day without sex is a sh*tty waste of a day.

 

Sexual libido compatibility should be the first thing you look at to analyze compatibility with a new romantic partner.

[oldshirt]

Never had "group" sex, but we have had sex while another couple in the same room did at the same time. Ya know, that did check the "thrill" box..... But its been a while (maybe another trip to Vegas with his party friend is in order).

....

 

 

 

That's basically what swinging is. only in swinging there can be varying degrees of reaching over to other couple.

 

 

We have some close friends (regular vanilla friends....not swinger friends) that we would go places with and we did what you described above a few times. One night in a hotel they were doing it in their bed and we were doing it in ours and in the middle of it, she got up and came over to our bed and he followed until we were all in the same bed with hands going everywhere (no male/male contact of course).

 

 

Afterwards we all talked about and scheduled another trip out of town a few months later and had a very very interesting weekend away :-) Let's just say on the next trip things weren't limited to just reaching over and touching.

[oldshirt]

BDSM doesn't appeal to me, swinging... Eh, I don't know, perhaps if he was into it - but he is more of a "one woman" and sex = emotional connection kinda guy.

 

 

 

 

All guys say that and if he was raised to be respectful of women and raised to not be a dog and a skirtchaser, he will act that way in your presence so as no to make you uncomfortable or hurt your feelings.

 

 

If you show him that you are cool with it and will be ok with it, he will at least be willing to try it.

[RecentChange]

All guys say that and if he was raised to be respectful of women and raised to not be a dog and a skirtchaser, he will act that way in your presence so as no to make you uncomfortable or hurt your feelings.

 

 

If you show him that you are cool with it and will be ok with it, he will at least be willing to try it.

 

Hum, maybe he has been fooling me all these years..... He knows about my past with F' buddies, and we have talked about how I can have that emotional disconnect (and actually enjoy it), and has talked about how he feels quite differently and can't really wrap his head around it.

 

For instance he used to be in a touring band, which had its share of "groupie" types after shows. His friends have stories of all the chicks they banged, but they also say how he usually wouldn't, despite these chicks tossing themselves at him. He says he "feels weird" about casual sex. I have slept with many more people than he has.

 

As for the high vs. low libido, we used to be pretty well matched. Had a lot of sex, quite often, and in public etc, those "thrilling" things I enjoy. But it wained over the years, and has been especially bad now. After repeatedly bringing it up he confessed to struggling with some depression issues right now - so I am pointing fingers at that for being a main cause.

 

I am still horny and fustrated though!

[loveflower]

Some local skiers and snowboarders are going crazy waiting for snow here...unusually warm this year.

Edited December 12, 2015 by loveflower

[RedRobin]

Yea, exercise isn't the total fix... but it takes the edge off and makes me slow down enough to reconsider my options.

 

 

Trail running is great. A lot more mental than regular running.

 

 

I go backpacking solo and travel solo a lot too. Motorcycles... yea. GXSR 750. I've done just about every sport known to man kind. I used to ride my friend's horses when I was younger. It was a good thing I was taking Judo at the time, because I got thrown when the thoroughbred I was on decided not to jump the ditch. I flew off... rolled like a pro... and popped up on my feet. lol.

 

 

I also find that when I'm not intellectually stimulated, the sex goes down hill too. If I were reincarnated as a dog, I'd be a border collie. I need a JOB to do.... and tons of physical exertion or I get cranky.

 

 

If its a 'thing' you feel will ONLY be satisfied by sexual novelty. then perhaps swinging or polyamory might be for you. At least that gives your partner respect and choices too. Me personally, I always thought those other things made for more drama though... and there are always rules. So this is where I draw my personal line and try to get a lot of my kicks in other ways.

 

 

Maybe a career change that gets the juices flowing? I took up ballet later in life (which is surprisingly risky, if you are learning pointe) and performing is a nice adrenaline kick. Any kind of performance. You could take up acting, or playing an instrument... getting in front of a crowd is always a rush... whether it is a speech or some other performance.

Edited December 12, 2015 by RedRobin

[oldshirt]

Hum, maybe he has been fooling me all these years..... He knows about my past with F' buddies, and we have talked about how I can have that emotional disconnect (and actually enjoy it), and has talked about how he feels quite differently and can't really wrap his head around it.

 

For instance he used to be in a touring band, which had its share of "groupie" types after shows. His friends have stories of all the chicks they banged, but they also say how he usually wouldn't, despite these chicks tossing themselves at him. He says he "feels weird" about casual sex. I have slept with many more people than he has.

 

As for the high vs. low libido, we used to be pretty well matched. Had a lot of sex, quite often, and in public etc, those "thrilling" things I enjoy. But it wained over the years, and has been especially bad now. After repeatedly bringing it up he confessed to struggling with some depression issues right now - so I am pointing fingers at that for being a main cause.

 

I am still horny and fustrated though!

 

If he has been raised to respect women and to not be a playa' or a skirtchaser or a womanizer, he will 'feel weird' about banging groupies and picking up drunk chicks in bars and having chicks stop over at his house for a booty call on their way home from work etc etc.

 

 

Swinging is different. Swinging is part of the marital sexual dynamics of the couple. It is intra-marital sex and part of the couple's sexual dynamics. In other words it is part of the sexual dynamics of the couple - it can just occasionally involve some other people as an adjunct to the marital bed.

 

 

Most swingers are not currently and were not playa's or womanizers or paryy girls or sluts etc when they were single (some were, but most were not) Many had only been with a small number of people sexually while in relationships. I have also personally known a good number of swingers who had only been with their spouse up until they started swinging.

 

 

What I meant when I said that he would probably change his tune once he knew you were on board, is that if it were to be discussed in the context of your relationship dynamics and as part of your marital sexual dynamics, he would probably be willing to give it a try to one degree or another.

 

 

It's different than just picking up chicks in bars or banging groupies for fun. It's a component of your marital sex life - it just happens to involve some extra hands and tongues and such as some extra stimulation.

 

 

 

 

............Now that all being said, depression is whole other topic onto it'self. Depression is medical/mental pathology that can negatively effect everything. Getting that treated and managed properly overrides everything else and takes priority over everything else since it is a dysfunction.

[RedRobin]

^^ I dunno how someone who equates sex with emotional connection can reconcile the casual aspect of the swinging lifestyle unless they are emotionally connected to the other partners as well.

 

 

There would have to be some boundary crossing going on and maybe even a bit of intimidation/ultimatums in order to push someone outside of their comfort zone that way.... which is what I've observed from the outsiders view. I'm not opposed to others doing whatever they want to do, but I've been on the receiving end of someone trying to get me to agree to an open relationship or swinging and it felt quite disingenuous on their end. It was more about getting my emotional support while keeping their options open in other ways. Which I won't do. Those people I call friends. Not a romantic partner.

 

 

...When it has been presented to me in the past, it seemed to be more about that person not wanting rules and being selfish. It sure wasn't about MY pleasure. The OP has said she likes the adrenaline rush of not having rules... the illicit part. Why would a swinging or polyamory deal change that? It wouldn't. There are even MORE rules once you consider the fact that more people are involved. Maybe she needs to deal with that first. Her need to break rules.... especially the ones she's agreed to.

 

 

When the OP says she's cheated, this is what I see. She's likely more interested in the thrills and less interested in her partner's happiness... Maybe. Maybe not. If she's cheated, then I don't see her much interested in her partner's feelings.

 

 

Perhaps they are just not compatible emotionally anymore. I'd be depressed if my partner cheated on me. I WAS, then I said eff that, and just ended it. Not sure why she is even in a position to make this choice and why he hasn't ended things himself. It's not a pathology to be depressed that life as you know it is likely over because the person you loved and trusted lied to you in a very profound way. Hell, it's HEALTHY. It's a symptom that he needs to get out and save himself before she ruins his life... if you ask me. RUN>> Dude >> RUN

 

 

I mean, if her needs are so profound, why doesn't she just end the relationship herself and put her partner out of his misery. It's like she just keeps him around, for what??

 

 

That's a good question, OP. Why DO you stay with your partner if you are so bored? Shouldn't your affair have enlightened you? I get it that you are trying to change your ways... and that is a good thing for your own self...

 

 

But trying to suck your partner into some other world and lifestyle that would be against his values and principles just to satisfy you.... seems profoundly selfish. Just find someone else.

Edited December 13, 2015 by RedRobin

[RecentChange]

I am.not going to ask him to start swinging...

 

The depression, he is once again going to some counseling, and I am trying to be supportive, encouraging, get him out and exercising etc. The depression issues that come and gone over the years, and predate me, something he has struggled with since childhood. He can just be very good at hiding it, and I hadn't made the connection with the sex issues until recently.

 

Why do I "keep him around"? There is a lot more to life than sex.

[edgygirl]

Haven't read all the posts but in a way I consider myself a thrill seeker. I need novelty to not feel dead inside.

 

When younger I ended up cheating on a boyfriend once because of that. I regret it. These days I found another way - I see it as possible to get thrill in other ways while still being monogamous. For me, what does it is BDSM & kinky-ness. There are so many directions to go within it and things can be constantly exciting even if with one person only.