Woman coworker **Updated**

[Hip Pocket]

Why don't you just ask her point blank if she's attracted to you? Or mad at you since she has behaved that way. She sounds passive/aggressive so the best approach would to be direct with her. Besides, most women like men to be direct.

[whichwayisup]

She's married and a co worker, so hands off and stop flirting with her. Don't be one those 'guys' that are scummy and go after married women. Push your feelings for her away because she has a husband and she's not available to 'date' you.

[Akashsingh]

Yes. Don't risk your job over a married co worker... No matter how hot she may be. It's not worth it. If the meeting youre holding requires her to attend then invite her because that's where she should be. If it doesn't require her attendance, then don't. Same thing with the business trip... If you would add to the business factor Of the trip and it's part of your required job duties then go. If not, then don't.

 

The reason I'm not telling you to proceed is because this girl is clearly not able to be discreet by what you've described. She flirts and borders the line of appropriateness in front of others, in emails, group chats, and in person. She's also shown to get an attitude and become bitter/throw a small tantrum when she doesn't get the reaction out of you she wants or the answer she's looking for. Imagine what she would do if you had sex?! You could be dreading going to work everyday because she might tell YOUR boss that you're sexually harassing her if you do something that upsets her or makes her feel snubbed.

 

Do not send anything in writing that is flirtatious or inappropriate to her EVeR. Sexual harassment is going to follow you around if you have to find another job. This is obviously worst case scenario but honestly... What is the benefit for you in proceeding with this woman? You get laid a few times? Have a taboo office romance and bend her over your desk after hours? Ok then what? She's married. You have no idea what her husband would do if he found out. Or what your boss and company would do.

 

And if the whole office notices and can see that you two are attracted to each other and flirting then you better bet that they're talking and spreading rumorss behind your back about what might be going on between you and her. It's fine as long as they are just rumors and gossip. However when those rumors become true... Then you are in a vulnerable position and cannot control what happens.

Do you have bills? A house? Mortgage ? Car? Do you really want to be vulnerable and put those things at risk because the sexy 25yo is teasing you at work?

 

I think this is a really good advice. I took it initially with a grain of a salt and then I further thought about it. I better stay away from her. If she needs me or likes me she can come find me. Else I am good on my own Of course, more than losing a job I care about my reputation which is not worth spoiling. I dont think she has found any conduct offensive so far. So that is a good thing. If she has she has not complained about it. But obviously, although borderline of harassment, as it is, even the accusation is not worth it. I mean she did previously find it offensive but not recently. But I am going to reduce my interaction with her further.

[Akashsingh]

D

 

 

Wow... Sorry but I was expecting this after hearing you reveal more in your earlier posts. This girl is NOT flirting with you. She is WORKING. Everything that you feel is directed towards you in a positive manner has to do with her job and what she's required to do.

 

Look at your last two sentences. She doesn't acknowledge you outside of work whatsoever. Not even a hi or smile. What does that tell you?

 

It means she is only being nice and cordial and social with you because you WORK TOGETHER and you are her superior. If she liked you her behavior would include more than just work related body language and comments like you described. It's clear that this girl is not doing anything to lead you on. I strongly recommend you stop breaking down everything she does while at work and gearing it towards you because you want her to like you.

 

If you keep it up eventually you're going to get confronted by your boss because she's going to report your harassing her.

 

Not trying to be mean here either. If anything you listed above was even close to her flirting or being attracted to you then I would've gotten behind you and agreed with you. However NONE of it says that and it's not even remotely difficult to see or giving mixed signals. Sounds like she's a pretty girl who is nice to you and playful at work and you have developed feelings, infatuation with her and now everything she does you feel is somehow having to do with you. She's married, she's not showing any interest in you inside the office or outside work. Case closed.

 

Her criticism is warranted because I am obligated to protect my team from a failure. She was setting my team up for failure (unknowingly or insensitively) which I later told her was not ok to do. Yes, I absolutely did not handle that incident well and I betrayed her trust in me and there are no excuses for that. I could have handled it differently, but, it needed to be dealt with regardless. Again I am not contradicting myself. She needed to be told to be within her boundaries but I am saying the MANNER in which it happened was a betrayal. I should have been wiser and be aware of the politics in the workplace that others when they got the wind of this picked on her without me raising this matter to them. So her not attending the meetings is understandable. However, I did this to many people as they were all stepping on each others toes, but, they did not take this personally where as this woman did. I think the second round of not attending the meetings and repeatedly asking if I needed her in meetings, was due to me declining the business trip. This is definitely passive aggressive behavior. I think I handled it well every time saying she could skip the meetings as long as there was coverage on her behalf to answer the questions. She is not my subordinate, but a peer and sometimes (more recently so) she looks to me like I am her senior. Anything flirtatious I sent her was non sexual , it was a joke with a smiley or emoticon like that. I absolutely do not make any sexual or gender insensitive comments in front of women ever. Although I completely understand that anything unwelcome could be considered harassment. My boss and her have said more four letter words in meetings than I ever did. I completely understand that none of this would ever count if a complaint is ever made against me and being a single and older man , I better be wiser and protect myself.

Edited February 15, 2016 by Akashsingh

[SoleMate]

When people at work "have 1:1 meetings" or "walk between buildings" or sit together in the cafeteria or "high five each other" or provide email feedback to a manager about a colleague's performance, that's simply work as usual, completely normal, and platonic.

 

Such behavior should not be seen as some kind of sexualized foreplay. Seeing it through that lens is offensive to everyone who is there to work.

[pepsimax]

Well, as I said, I really like her. I am not too concerned about losing my job, I will find another one. It seems there are multiple people vying for her attention. In addition to her husband, there is a guy at work, really handsome, he somehow gets lots of 1:1 meetings with her. They seem to be spending atleast 2 hrs together in meetings. I consider him to be my real competition because he doesn't like me being around. I have been nice to him but he hasn't been to me. So I probably have a little chance at the moment. But I certainly don't want to give up. And no I don't believe in religious BS like adultry and stuff. I have let too many women go in my life to such stuff and competition. So let's see...

 

I am a women and sometimes I high five guy friends and they me and it means nothing.

I don't want to encourage you to go after a married woman as nothing good will come out of it. You have a huge crush on her and trust me... you will get hurt. Don't settle for crumbs like someone told me...For your sake don't initiate anything with her and don't fantasize about her! It's painful!

[Akashsingh]

I am a women and sometimes I high five guy friends and they me and it means nothing.

I don't want to encourage you to go after a married woman as nothing good will come out of it. You have a huge crush on her and trust me... you will get hurt. Don't settle for crumbs like someone told me...For your sake don't initiate anything with her and don't fantasize about her! It's painful!

 

She doesn't high five me anymore. I think she understood that I was not comfortable high fiving her at work. I completely understand your pov. I have been separated for 4 years now and divorced 2. With no love life since then and then this beautiful , amazing woman came in my life, so perhaps I got carried away. I think we both have been passive aggressive towards each other. She has shown attitude more than once and I have retaliated as well. Her giving me a silent treatment has been quite painful to me. I mean even if I were not her lover, any coworker ignoring would not be good.

 

Now some new drama has started. She sends smileys and hearts to our team praising our work, but, of course, thats because not all has been well between us. My response to this was a bit muted following the advice on this group, infact a bit terse (which again I think is passive aggressive because I have been hurt too), saying, Thanks for this. Now she is scheduling meetings , right over my meetings or sometimes very close to my meeting and then she doesn't attend my meetings or asks if my meetings can be cancelled. I see this as infringing my territory or stepping on my toes. Just not sure how to deal with this behavior anymore. Right now things seem hostile unnecessarily, but , I would like to resolve this misunderstanding. How can I do it?

 

What I don't understand is , when to know that she is just being casual and when to know that she is definitely interested.

Edited February 21, 2016 by Akashsingh

[elaine567]

What I don't understand is , when to know that she is just being casual and when to know that she is definitely interested

 

I think you are taking all this to a personal level and it is affecting your work.

YOU are putting a "romantic" slant on all of this, and making it all about "the relationship" when all this is, is a woman trying to do her job here.

 

Forget all this "Is she interested, is she not?", and get on with doing your own job. She's a married woman, who no doubt finds you fawning over her and your passive aggressive little games at work an annoyance.

[Akashsingh]

I think you are taking all this to a personal level and it is affecting your work.

YOU are putting a "romantic" slant on all of this, and making it all about "the relationship" when all this is, is a woman trying to do her job here.

 

Forget all this "Is she interested, is she not?", and get on with doing your own job. She's a married woman, who no doubt finds you fawning over her and your passive aggressive little games at work an annoyance.

 

Thats a typical feminist reply. She stopped coming to meetings after everyone got slammed, she is deliberately scheduling meetings over my meetings or right next to it and then she asks me to cancel mine. She sends last minute replies that she can't make meetings. So you dont see this as passive aggressive. She can't handle no for an answer when I told her I can't come on a business trip. You dont see her passive aggressiveness, but you certainly see mine. Would it be ok for a guy to send love smileys to women co workers? but, if the woman does it shes doing her job and men are not being compliant? So if men dont high five women or tolerate their shenanigans, they are annoying and if they ask women to walk with them to another building thats harassing? What rubbish?

Edited February 21, 2016 by Akashsingh

[elaine567]

Take a huge step back here, you are hurt, we get it, but you need to start acting like a professional and stop making it all about your obsession with this married woman.

If she is your peer and not your subordinate, then what is wrong with her organizing meetings too?

Your ego is bruised here, she was going to be your little fling, who was going to big you up, but now she is a work rival and you do not like it.

[Akashsingh]

Take a huge step back here, you are hurt, we get it, but you need to start acting like a professional and stop making it all about your obsession with this married woman.

If she is your peer and not your subordinate, then what is wrong with her organizing meetings too?

Your ego is bruised here, she was going to be your little fling, who was going to big you up, but now she is a work rival and you do not like it.

 

Of course. What is wrong is that she could have set up her meetings on any other day and not over my meetings.

[Lois_Griffin]

From the things you say and write, I clearly get the impression that you have no experience (or precious little) with women, or culturally have been taught certain things about women that just don't apply in the real world.

 

The very odd things you misinterpret as 'interest' are just so far fetched and they don't make sense. I mean, you see high-fiving is some kind of intimate act and it's not. You think messages she sends to co-workers with smile or heart emojis are suddenly 'signs of interest.' They're not. Walking between buildings with a co-worker is not a sign of interest.

 

And Elaine was right on point when she told you you're romanticizing things that simply don't exist. I'd be willing to bet this social oddness probably rolls off you in waves and anyone within a 50 foot radius can see it at the office. Just because you don't think they can see it doesn't make it so. Elaine was also correct when she said you're looking at this woman setting up meetings over yours as something she's doing with YOU in mind, and it's only because of your slanted views due to your crush that you see it this way.

 

Your views on adultery or religion being BS are yours and you have a right to your opinion. That doesn't give you the right however, to assume that you can disrespect a married woman/colleague just because you keep imagining she's interested.

 

She ain't.

[privategal]

You need to take a vacation and get your head cleared.

[NYC-BigKat]

I have a woman coworker that I have developed a huge crush on. She is incredibly pretty and I am just an average joe .Initially I was not sure if she was married or not, since she seldom wears a ring. I found out that she is married through online search of her name. Earlier on I was nice to her and she was to me as well. However I avoided sitting next to her in meetings or hanging out with her. She preferred sitting next to me on many occasions but certainly avoided me in cafes.

 

Everyone at my workplace makes Facebook friends and she didn't make me friends but later I added her as a friend. I did like a few posts from her, a bit stupid of me perhaps, but her pictures (nothing revealing, just faces). She doesnt click on most of my Facebook posts but in meetings and private conversations, she says nothing but good things about me.

 

She also wrote me an email with a copy to my manager about how much she liked working with me and how well I was doing in my job. She has done so on more than one occasion. But then on some occasions she also excludes me from key communications.

 

A couple of times, she also high fives me. I feel a bit uncomfortable with such public display of touch but out of respect of not making her look stupid, I returned her high fives. Since then , I think she understood, I didn't like this type of display in front of other coworkers.

 

Also from a communication perspective, she sometimes will speak with me at the coffee place and sometimes she wont and will ignore me on those occasions.

 

I have said to her that she has been kind to me and I appreciate that, but nothing more.

 

I am a bit confused, if she likes me more than a coworker, or she just says things such as what she says just to make me feel better, or she is testing me to see if I like her. etc. Or she doesn't like working with me and is being forced to work with me. Ofcourse, I dont want to lose my job, more importantly I don't want to lose working with her, because she is a live wire to work with and I definitely have feelings for her. That has come out on occasions as obvious but she has encouraged me more than discouraged following that...

 

What do you folks think?

 

Um...I been through the coworker crush stuff & I already know that this girl is only being nice to u 'cause she has to work with u. The high five stuff is a clear signal of this so don't get more crushy on her 'cause u will only be hurt after that okay?

[ShatteredLady]

OP. Are you in a senior role? This all sounds a bit school yard to me.

 

Remove the fact she's female & you fancy her...are you sure she's not seeing you as business competition? Is she ambitious? That just seems like a more rational explanation of her not attending your meetings & setting her own, writing to your management etc.

[Akashsingh]

From the things you say and write, I clearly get the impression that you have no experience (or precious little) with women, or culturally have been taught certain things about women that just don't apply in the real world.

 

The very odd things you misinterpret as 'interest' are just so far fetched and they don't make sense. I mean, you see high-fiving is some kind of intimate act and it's not. You think messages she sends to co-workers with smile or heart emojis are suddenly 'signs of interest.' They're not. Walking between buildings with a co-worker is not a sign of interest.

 

And Elaine was right on point when she told you you're romanticizing things that simply don't exist. I'd be willing to bet this social oddness probably rolls off you in waves and anyone within a 50 foot radius can see it at the office. Just because you don't think they can see it doesn't make it so. Elaine was also correct when she said you're looking at this woman setting up meetings over yours as something she's doing with YOU in mind, and it's only because of your slanted views due to your crush that you see it this way.

 

Your views on adultery or religion being BS are yours and you have a right to your opinion. That doesn't give you the right however, to assume that you can disrespect a married woman/colleague just because you keep imagining she's interested.

 

She ain't.

 

Umm, as I said , its a feminist opinion. You are entitled to it. People can think what they want to think. Doesn't matter. I live for my own happiness, not peoples.

[Akashsingh]

OP. Are you in a senior role? This all sounds a bit school yard to me.

 

Remove the fact she's female & you fancy her...are you sure she's not seeing you as business competition? Is she ambitious? That just seems like a more rational explanation of her not attending your meetings & setting her own, writing to your management etc.

 

Ok, lets say I remove the fact that she is a woman. Lets say I remove the fact I fancy her.

 

What she does is, she steps on my toes. Yes, I am in a senior role and I am completely secured in my position and compensation, however; I don't like disrespectful behavior. She can get promoted but she would not manage me even then and nor will she make more money than me. So that doesn't bother me. It ultimately comes to skills. Although at an organizational level, she has gotten successful, deep down, managers working directly with us know, I have significant contribution to the team success. I do not reward individual heroism. I reward team work and team players, not the ones who undercut others.

 

I can play fire with fire. I can be hostile to her in return. I can certainly handle hostility with hostility. She would fall flat on her face and I can set her up for failure. She has lasted about a year in various jobs in the company. But definitely she has switched within. I am old enough to know how to do this. However, I don't sabotage my projects or alienate co workers. I mean we are supposed to be part of the same team. Healthy competition and politics is ok, as long as things don't get hostile. However, thats not my goal, my goal is to set up cordial working relationship with her again where we can collaborate and work together again.

 

There are multiple options I can do if I had to be hostile:

Isolate her, make her look stupid, don't attend her meetings, contradict her etc. Or not speak up in those meetings or be assertive and force my way into those meetings as to how things will work, go higher up, ask for a change in assignment or change my own job etc etc etc.

 

However, I didn't ask advice on this. What I asked was, how to get back to normal working relationship? Maybe its too late or there is too much water under the bridge or you women just dont like anything thats not bitching.

[Akashsingh]

Yes, I agree I dont have much skills with women. Thats why I asked when to know a woman is interested and when to know she is not interested?

[Akashsingh]

One more thing I can do is ask for an immediate change in assignment. My boss will know inside him, I am not happy, he will have to switch for me or let me go. Switching is easier. Deep down, my boss knows any assignment I go to will be successful. So the next team I go to becomes more successful than the present team. So it becomes clear who is a hero and who is not. I can play it that way too.

[ChickiePops]

You will never get a woman if you keep up your misogynistic attitude sweetheart.

[Akashsingh]

Um...I been through the coworker crush stuff & I already know that this girl is only being nice to u 'cause she has to work with u. The high five stuff is a clear signal of this so don't get more crushy on her 'cause u will only be hurt after that okay?

 

Makes sense. If she wants me, she will come find me. I am just going to be diplomatically not cooperative until she finds me.

[Akashsingh]

You will never get a woman if you keep up your misogynistic attitude sweetheart.

 

I dont hate her because she is a woman. I work with a lot of women, I dont have problems with many of them. I have had many women bosses too. But I also dont treat women any more special than I would treat guys. Only women who want special treatment as women run into problems with me. I am not misogynist at all. All my sisters, sister in laws, aunts love me. Only love interests get into competition with me. I had same issues with my ex too. Instead of working as a couple, she had started competing with me. Very very similar deterioration of relationship. I will give it a couple of weeks, lower my ego and then see. If the pattern continues, then I would nicely ask for change in assignment citing lack of career advancement in the current assignment and then that doesnt spoil the relationship with her to the point we can't talk with each other And leaves the door open for future. Infact a couple of women that report to me respect me a lot. Like one of them was afraid I might quit my job and she came to me and asked if that was the case. I laughed

Edited February 22, 2016 by Akashsingh

[ChickiePops]

Yeah no..your accusatory tone when calling someone a feminist is what's misogynistic..and condescending.

 

Also the fact that you assume that any woman who pays attention to you wants to bang you...doesn't help your case.

 

She is not interested. Not even a little bit.

Edited February 22, 2016 by ChickiePops

[Akashsingh]

Yeah no..your accusatory tone when calling someone a feminist is what's misogynistic..and condescending.

 

Also the fact that you assume that any woman who pays attention to you wants to bang you...doesn't help your case.

 

She is not interested. Not even a little bit.

 

Got it. Sorry if I hurt the feelings. So what are the signs when someone like a co worker would be interested? By the way banging her is the not the only thing on my mind. She is cool. If I wanted her its for life. Trust me, she is one in a half million.

Edited February 22, 2016 by Akashsingh

[Miss Clavel]

for better for worse, in sickness and health, to love and obey, till death do us part, and thereto i plight thee my trough.