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Why some women stay single

oberkeat

By oberkeat
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Myragal Established Member

Myragal

Posted
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Not an issue.

 

Millions of women will go on a date with a man this evening. Tens of millions of others are in a relationship.

 

Hint...it's not the women.

 

Hopefully you are not as negative in real life as you are on this site. If not, then it is understandable that a woman would not want to date you. You need to work on your social skills and image.

  • Like 4
Empyrea Established Member

Empyrea

Posted
Posted

 

These hardly help your case. One is about a guy taking too long to make a move - after having been out on many dates; one is about refusing to accept "the booty call" of asking someone out for the same night (considered bad form in dating for many reasons), and then one girl okay is attracted to the Mr Unavailable type - but again, nothing to do with refusing to accept the date, and exactly ONE of the four examples you posted is about someone's insecurities and nervousness in accepting dates and thus she keeps finding excuses - and this actually gives a very human and relatable reason for not being comfortable accepting dates, instead of the self imposed sabotage theory you have going on here.

  • Like 2
GemmaUK Established Member

GemmaUK

Posted
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In your first post you said 'I said no problem' yet you appear to have a massive problem.

I've dipped my toes back into dating a bit recently but I don't see any reason to waste energy posting when to me the turn out was obvious.

 

I guess what I am scratching my head at is why waste so much energy on being annoyed over this?

Surely you're better off using your energy on someone else, get out, get online and use your energy on someone who is interested and isn't busy.

 

You can clearly meet women OK as you did this one, get back out there, it's the weekend! :)

  • Like 4
anika99 Established Member

anika99

Posted
Posted
Folks are totally misunderstanding what this thread is about. I'm not interested in this girl's reasoning here for refusing to nail down a date or to gauge her interest. I'm talking about the self-sabotage that women commit in the dating game. I'm saying that many women out there are their own reason for not having a high quality man in their life. And many of these same girls have the nerve to complain about not being in a relationship. They should blame themselves for not having a quality man.

 

Most of the dating advice on these forums seem to assume that women can do no wrong when it comes to the dating game. I am not one of the people who believes that. I'm calling BS on that line of thinking right now, as I do in every one of posts.

 

A woman's laundry list of requirements for her perfect bf from a recent thread:

 

 

 

The girl I've described in this thread is choosing to miss out a great guy who has all of these qualities and I feel sorry for her. She has disqualified herself from meeting a great guy.There's a quote that says, "the lord gave them eyes, but they cannot see." That's a perfect description of many single women looking for quality men these days. Certainly the ones I've encountered.

 

I get what you are saying and there is a million possibilities why a woman may pass up a perfectly decent man or why a man might pass up a perfectly decent woman, because believe or not, great women also get rejected.

 

The bottom line is that there is so much more to a romantic connection then just being good on paper. Lots of people have these laundry lists of qualities they want their future partner to possess but really that list doesn't mean anything if there is no sexual or romantic spark. When a person does meet someone they spark with then they suddenly become willing to compromise on their list.

 

The bottom line is that there are thousands of decent people, just like you, who are looking for someone they click with. This girl didn't click with you and we will never know the reason but it doesn't matter, just be glad that you know not to waste anymore time on her.

  • Like 2
AspenBaldwin Established Member

AspenBaldwin

Posted
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A woman's laundry list of requirements for her perfect bf from a recent thread

 

I gotta admit I giggled at the 'must buy me presents' part.

 

This is my list:

 

No smoking

 

No drinking

 

No drugs

 

Must sport a mullet

 

Must have a British accent

  • Like 1
losangelena Established Member

losangelena

Posted
Posted

I understand what you're saying, but I also think that it's easier for you as a passive observer to see and diagnose the problem when you're on the outside of it.

 

In the case with my roommate, I think she's just now coming around to seeing her own pattern of self-sabotage. It takes some people a long time to get to that point. People—men and women—are generally blind to what's truly driving their problems, which largely stem from leftover childhood dysfunction.

 

But I think what you're reading are the laments of people in process. A woman posting one of those threads now may not see things the same way in six months or a year or five years. She may learn from experience and alter her view of dating, men, herself, etc.

 

It's not really fair of you to say, "they don't have the right to complain," and then use it as an explanation for why women in general find themselves unwantedly single, and furthermore I certainly don't think it's fair or even accurate to name that as the reason why you yourself can't get a date. Reasons for singleness flow both ways, and self-reflection should, too. I would never, ever say that anyone of any gender is blameless in their own situation.

dobielover Established Member

dobielover

Posted
Posted
Folks are totally misunderstanding what this thread is about. I'm not interested in this girl's reasoning here for refusing to nail down a date or to gauge her interest. I'm talking about the self-sabotage that women commit in the dating game. I'm saying that many women out there are their own reason for not having a high quality man in their life. And many of these same girls have the nerve to complain about not being in a relationship. They should blame themselves for not having a quality man.

 

Most of the dating advice on these forums seem to assume that women can do no wrong when it comes to the dating game. I am not one of the people who believes that. I'm calling BS on that line of thinking right now, as I do in every one of posts.

 

A woman's laundry list of requirements for her perfect bf from a recent thread:

 

 

 

The girl I've described in this thread is choosing to miss out a great guy who has all of these qualities and I feel sorry for her. She has disqualified herself from meeting a great guy.There's a quote that says, "the lord gave them eyes, but they cannot see." That's a perfect description of many single women looking for quality men these days. Certainly the ones I've encountered.

 

Just because you've deemed yourself a quality man doesn't mean she feels the same way about you. And even if you are indeed a quality man, there has to be attraction there. A relationship cannot get off the ground without it. She's not into you. It's quite simple.

  • Like 2
dobielover Established Member

dobielover

Posted
Posted
I get what you are saying and there is a million possibilities why a woman may pass up a perfectly decent man or why a man might pass up a perfectly decent woman, because believe or not, great women also get rejected.

 

The bottom line is that there is so much more to a romantic connection then just being good on paper. Lots of people have these laundry lists of qualities they want their future partner to possess but really that list doesn't mean anything if there is no sexual or romantic spark. When a person does meet someone they spark with then they suddenly become willing to compromise on their list.

 

The bottom line is that there are thousands of decent people, just like you, who are looking for someone they click with. This girl didn't click with you and we will never know the reason but it doesn't matter, just be glad that you know not to waste anymore time on her.

 

Perfectly stated!

  • Like 1
lilmissjava Established Member

lilmissjava

Posted
Posted

 

Must sport a mullet

 

Aspen here has her own requirement of a potential suitor to be sporting a mullet.

 

My requirement is that if you come near me sporting a mullet I will run away.

 

:laugh:

  • Like 2
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oberkeat Established Member

oberkeat

Posted
  • Author
Posted
These hardly help your case. One is about a guy taking too long to make a move - after having been out on many dates; one is about refusing to accept "the booty call" of asking someone out for the same night (considered bad form in dating for many reasons), and then one girl okay is attracted to the Mr Unavailable type - but again, nothing to do with refusing to accept the date, and exactly ONE of the four examples you posted is about someone's insecurities and nervousness in accepting dates and thus she keeps finding excuses - and this actually gives a very human and relatable reason for not being comfortable accepting dates, instead of the self imposed sabotage theory you have going on here.

 

Apparently we didn't read the same thing. The issue in these threads is, if you are a woman, single and looking, and getting attention from men, at what point do accept a date? At what point do you make it easy for guys pursuing you to get some one on one time with you? I'm not the only one who's brought this up in these threads I've cited.

lilmissjava Established Member

lilmissjava

Posted
Posted
Apparently we didn't read the same thing. The issue in these threads is, if you are a woman, single and looking, and getting attention from men, at what point do accept a date? At what point do you make it easy for guys pursuing you to get some one on one time with you? I'm not the only one who's brought this up in these threads I've cited.

 

Assuming compatibility on paper has already been established and some interest has been generated by the small talk that has already to have occurred, I would then accept a suitable date and time when he proposes, provided I wouldn't be busy with "life".

  • Like 1
dobielover Established Member

dobielover

Posted
Posted
Apparently we didn't read the same thing. The issue in these threads is, if you are a woman, single and looking, and getting attention from men, at what point do accept a date? At what point do you make it easy for guys pursuing you to get some one on one time with you? I'm not the only one who's brought this up in these threads I've cited.

 

We accept dates and make it easy for guys pursuing us to get one on one time when we are actually interested in the guy pursuing us.

  • Like 4
Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

Posted
Posted
Apparently we didn't read the same thing. The issue in these threads is, if you are a woman, single and looking, and getting attention from men, at what point do accept a date? At what point do you make it easy for guys pursuing you to get some one on one time with you? I'm not the only one who's brought this up in these threads I've cited.

 

I think the consensus is the point at which one does go on the date that is when the interest level in guy to date is higher than just the plain ego boost from getting attention or open-mindedness to hope that you are the one to date but not feeling it enough to make it happen. If they are not so inspired they won't go, even though they do on some level want a bf. They don't want just any old placeholder--they want someone who makes them excited and hopeful and inspired. I think in your case which does represent stuff that happens is that it's not about making it easy or hard--essentially she doesn't want to go, is not motivated enough to accept and doesn't have the guts to tell you that or is postponing the final decision until a later time.

  • Like 3
Empyrea Established Member

Empyrea

Posted
Posted
Apparently we didn't read the same thing. The issue in these threads is, if you are a woman, single and looking, and getting attention from men, at what point do accept a date? At what point do you make it easy for guys pursuing you to get some one on one time with you? I'm not the only one who's brought this up in these threads I've cited.

 

I just read the OPs' first posts, but most of them (except the one) were be describing situations in which they had already been on several dates with the guys, so that strays from your initial issue. In any case, it's a two way street, not just the women. If women come across as too eager early on, or appear too easy to get (or in fact ARE too easy to get, physically or otherwise), then the men lose interest, despite most of these women thinking they were quality women and did nothing wrong. It's the dating game. It's stupid, but both parties have to play by those rules of pacing their investment, not coming across as too eager, etc etc. And if you make a mistake, you end up confused and bitter and posting countless threads on LS asking the same questions over and over again. And yet, some people get it right. Just have to be patient.

Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

Posted
Posted
I'm talking about the self-sabotage that women commit in the dating game. I'm saying that many women out there are their own reason for not having a high quality man in their life. And many of these same girls have the nerve to complain about not being in a relationship. They should blame themselves for not having a quality man.

I think you're seizing on the posts that agitate and irritate you, which is what we all do.

 

I realize that I'm the problem. If I were better able to conform and go along with the program like most people do, I'd be further along in the game. I know that I could hitch myself to a decent guy and have a reasonably safe, secure, decent life. I've had offers for much better than that, even, materially speaking. Sometimes I think I should have just accepted one of them by now. I'm powering down my small business and surrendering to a mainstream career path because it's what I have to do to survive at this time. So why couldn't I do that with a man? Then I'd have the babies and the house and the cushy material blanket and the whole shebang by now. At the time, in those particular relationships, my heart told me it was a bad idea. I felt like if I just went along with this program my heart wasn't really in, I'd eventually have a breakdown, and that wouldn't be fair to him or our kids.

 

I don't blame anybody, though. It's just the way it is. I was born the way I am. I can pretend to be things other than what I am, but it's not real.

 

Also, the woman you're interested in has a different definiton of "high quality man" than you do. To the right woman for you, you are a high quality man. To the wrong woman, you'll never be right.

 

I know the process of looking for love can be very disheartening and demoralizing. But if you get right with yourself, good things come. Bad things come, too. But that's life.

  • Like 1
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted
Apparently we didn't read the same thing. The issue in these threads is, if you are a woman, single and looking, and getting attention from men, at what point do accept a date? At what point do you make it easy for guys pursuing you to get some one on one time with you? I'm not the only one who's brought this up in these threads I've cited.

 

When a woman feels immediate sexual chemistry towards a man she will clear everything on her calendar to make time for him. If they just feel lukewarm at best towards him they will barely make any effort at all. I think this is the case with the woman you are trying to date. Why get angry with her or keep pursuing her? Just move on to another woman. Why chase someone who clearly doesn't want you?

GemmaUK Established Member

GemmaUK

Posted
Posted
When a woman feels immediate sexual chemistry towards a man she will clear everything on her calendar to make time for him. If they just feel lukewarm at best towards him they will barely make any effort at all. I think this is the case with the woman you are trying to date. Why get angry with her or keep pursuing her? Just move on to another woman. Why chase someone who clearly doesn't want you?

 

I have never cleared everything on my calendar - that would be impossible and unrealistic but I do make time and effort.

He has to inspire me to do that though. Dating is two way.

I inspire him, he inspires me.

WomenWubber Established Member

WomenWubber

Posted
Posted

 

That's roughly 1 per week. I wouldn't say that's a lot.

 

From what I have seen so far, women mostly complain about being in unfulfilling relationships. This makes me wonder if women are happier being single than in LTRs.

Myragal Established Member

Myragal

Posted
Posted
We accept dates and make it easy for guys pursuing us to get one on one time when we are actually interested in the guy pursuing us.

 

So true. On a Meet Up hike I stopped and pretended to tie my boots twice...just so I could fall back from my friend and my now current boyfriend would catch up and be walking beside me. Then he introduced himself as we walked and the rest is history.

  • Like 2
Rydo Established Member

Rydo

Posted
Posted
I have never cleared everything on my calendar - that would be impossible and unrealistic but I do make time and effort.

He has to inspire me to do that though. Dating is two way.

I inspire him, he inspires me.

 

I though you cleared your calendar for our childbirth thing?

  • Like 3
losangelena Established Member

losangelena

Posted
Posted
That's roughly 1 per week. I wouldn't say that's a lot.

 

From what I have seen so far, women mostly complain about being in unfulfilling relationships. This makes me wonder if women are happier being single than in LTRs.

 

I think for sure, being single is preferable to being in an unfulfilling relationship. Maybe that's why some women are so hesitant. Obviously there are benefits of being in a relationship, but the anxiety that surrounds a bad one is not worth it in my opinion.

  • Like 8
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oberkeat Established Member

oberkeat

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
I understand what you're saying, but I also think that it's easier for you as a passive observer to see and diagnose the problem when you're on the outside of it.

 

In the case with my roommate, I think she's just now coming around to seeing her own pattern of self-sabotage. It takes some people a long time to get to that point. People—men and women—are generally blind to what's truly driving their problems, which largely stem from leftover childhood dysfunction.

 

But I think what you're reading are the laments of people in process. A woman posting one of those threads now may not see things the same way in six months or a year or five years. She may learn from experience and alter her view of dating, men, herself, etc.

 

It's not really fair of you to say, "they don't have the right to complain," and then use it as an explanation for why women in general find themselves unwantedly single, and furthermore I certainly don't think it's fair or even accurate to name that as the reason why you yourself can't get a date. Reasons for singleness flow both ways, and self-reflection should, too. I would never, ever say that anyone of any gender is blameless in their own situation.

 

LA, I'm glad you agree women do play an active role in their own singleness. But I disagree with you about the right to complain. I think it's totally fair. I want a ban on complaining about not finding a relationship from women who are routinely turning down dates with men. If you're rejecting guys routinely, I don't wanna hear you complaining. Any time I encounter a girl complaining about being single, I'm gonna ask her how many guys she's turned down, flaked on, ghosted on, or played games with recently. And if its more than zero, I'll will not feel sorry for her.

Edited by oberkeat
Empyrea Established Member

Empyrea

Posted
Posted
LA, I'm glad you agree women do play an active role in their own singleness. But I disagree with you about the right to complain. I think it's totally fair. I want a ban on complaining about not finding a relationship from women who are routinely turning down dates with men. If you're rejecting guys routinely, I don't wanna hear you complaining. Any time I encounter a girl complaining about being single, I'm gonna ask her how many guys she's turned down, flaked on, ghosted on, or played games with recently. And if its more than zero, I'll will not for sorry her.

 

So you've never ghosted on a girl? And why can't they complain? What's so difficult to understand about: happy, satisfying relationship > single > boring, unfulfilling relationship > abusive/unhealthy relationship

It IS possible to be crave a happy relationship, and STILL turn down guys you see no potential with. Would you rather they string you along for months for free meals or something?

  • Like 1
lilmissjava Established Member

lilmissjava

Posted
Posted
LA, I'm glad you agree women do play an active role in their own singleness. But I disagree with you about the right to complain. I think it's totally fair. I want a ban on complaining about not finding a relationship from women who are routinely turning down dates with men. If you're rejecting guys routinely, I don't wanna hear you complaining. Any time I encounter a girl complaining about being single, I'm gonna ask her how many guys she's turned down, flaked on, ghosted on, or played games with recently. And if its more than zero, I'll will not feel sorry for her.

 

Bottom line is that a woman has the explicit right to turn down whomever she wants for a date, whether it's dates one, two or three.

 

I wouldn't require any sympathy from someone under-emphasizing the fact that mutual interest in dating each other is required to get to the point of a relationship.

  • Like 2
Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

Posted
Posted
I want a ban on complaining about not finding a relationship from women who are routinely turning down dates with men. If you're rejecting guys routinely, I don't wanna hear you complaining. Any time I encounter a girl complaining about being single, I'm gonna ask her how many guys she's turned down, flaked on, ghosted on, or played games with recently. And if its more than zero, I'll will not feel sorry for her.

What do you complain about?

 

It seems to me that you complain about women not giving you the responses you want. I guess I could tell you not to complain about that unless you're doing everything humanly possible to make yourself more attractive to women, and only then can you complain.

 

A lot of men complain about not being able to get sex. But the truth is they could get sex with SOMEBODY - just probably not a woman they really want to have sex with.

 

Same for women. Most of us could get love from SOMEBODY - just not the men we want to love and be loved by.

 

I think women are engineered to be extremely picky. We can't help it. Our biology is screaming at us that only the best will do. A sad fact of this world is that we can't all be "the best".

 

I truly wish I could feel content with some of the decent but uninspiring options that have crossed my path. If I were able to be truly content with those, I'd be much more secure and probably much happier. But I'm not, and it wouldn't be fair to the man to go along with a situation in which I'm halfhearted.

 

I realize this could drive me to die alone with my cat. I totally get that. It's not a pleasant thought. But I guess I'd rather suffer through it myself than force my suffering on a man who I don't think deserves the suffering.

  • Like 3
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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