Hooking Up Shortly After A Break Up? Thoughts?

[Nickr3023]

I'm curious on people's thoughts on this topic. I've never been a guy to jump from girl to girl. I've only had sex with 1 girl that I wasn't in a relationship with. After my last breakup I went a year without having sex with anyone. Not really sure how, but that's how it ended up. I feel like I want to try something different this time around. The physical intimacy I shared with my most recent ex was off the charts. We both said it. It was simply the best I've ever had and the most passionate I've ever had. Part of me wants to prove to myself that the passion that was there came from me though, and not from her, and I want to see if i can replicate it with someone else. Obviously it can't be a one night stand (or maybe I'm wrong I've never had one), but am I wrong in thinking this? It seems most people are split 50/50 on this. Half say it helps to get over someone by having a distraction, while the other half say it'll hurt you in the end.

[mightycpa]

You won't find intimacy with a random shag. You won't find deep intimacy with someone you're not in love with, like a FWB, or even a casual girlfriend you like.

 

If you're looking for a substitute emotional connection, forget it. If you're looking to detach your emotions from sex, satisfy your physical needs and enjoy sex the same way you might enjoy playing a sport, ie, sport****ing, then that's the ticket.

 

It's not a bad way to go, but it's not for everyone either. I think it depends on your values.

[Nickr3023]

You won't find intimacy with a random shag. You won't find deep intimacy with someone you're not in love with, like a FWB, or even a casual girlfriend you like.

 

If you're looking for a substitute emotional connection, forget it. If you're looking to detach your emotions from sex, satisfy your physical needs and enjoy sex the same way you might enjoy playing a sport, ie, sport****ing, then that's the ticket.

 

It's not a bad way to go, but it's not for everyone either. I think it depends on your values.

 

Difficult for me, as I'm really not that type of guy. I don't want to hurt someone the way I was hurt. But I guess if we both mutually understood what it was that was going on I'd be ok. But yeah I guess you're right that to have that deep intimacy with someone else is going to be impossible to find until I fall in love again.

 

Part of this stems from being cheated on. Having one of the last images of her being with another guy is one of the things that's hurting the most. And I feel like if I do it, then we're even in a way. Maybe not the best way to look at it, but my self esteem and confidence took a huge hit after I found out.

[mightycpa]

Difficult for me, as I'm really not that type of guy. I don't want to hurt someone the way I was hurt. But I guess if we both mutually understood what it was that was going on I'd be ok. But yeah I guess you're right that to have that deep intimacy with someone else is going to be impossible to find until I fall in love again.

 

Part of this stems from being cheated on. Having one of the last images of her being with another guy is one of the things that's hurting the most. And I feel like if I do it, then we're even in a way. Maybe not the best way to look at it, but my self esteem and confidence took a huge hit after I found out.

Well, we all have a tendency to assume that everybody experiences the same things in the same ways.

 

You may want to consider that she can detach her emotions from sex, even though this is more difficult for you. In other words, for you, it is a spiritual, intimate and physical activity. For her, it might be like a masturbation session - physically satisfying, but spiritually neutral, as in NO BIG DEAL.

 

Similarly, the girl you choose to do this with might be one way or the other. You probably won't know until after, but it is not a given you'll hurt somebody by doing it with them when you don't care about them all that much. In fact, she might be fine, and appreciative, and you might get hurt by it.

 

That could be why it hurts you and other people so much... it is a betrayal of an existing connection to you. To her, it might just be a way to release some physical tension, so she can't empathize with you.

 

As a result, you can't take her behavior with somebody else so personally. Try to see it the way I've described, and you just might feel sorry for her.

 

I hope that helps.

Edited December 4, 2015 by mightycpa

[Nickr3023]

Well, we all have a tendency to assume that everybody experiences the same things in the same ways.

 

You may want to consider that she can detach her emotions from sex, even though this is more difficult for you. In other words, for you, it is a spiritual, intimate and physical activity. For her, it might be like a masturbation session - physically satisfying, but spiritually neutral, as in NO BIG DEAL.

 

Similarly, the girl you choose to do this with might be one way or the other. You probably won't know until after, but it is not a given you'll hurt somebody by doing it with them. They may be fine, and you might get hurt by it.

 

That could be why it hurts you and other people so much... it is a betrayal of an existing connection to you. To her, it might just be a way to release some physical tension, so she can't empathize with you.

 

As a result, you can't take her behavior with somebody else so personally. Try to see it the way I've described, and you just might feel sorry for her.

 

I hope that helps.

 

With me it was much more than a phsyical release for her....but maybe you're right with someone else maybe it was. We definitely had a physical connection that neither of us had ever felt before.

 

But yeah it does help to think of it like that. I guess that's the part that I hate to think about, that the level of intimacy she showed to me, someone else got to experience that.....but maybe you're right, that they didn't. And it was just that.

[anonymousbear00101100]

But I guess if we both mutually understood what it was that was going on I'd be ok.

 

The last time my ex and I broke up (back in February), this girl basically started sending nudes and talking dirty to me over text. This happened immediately. Like I gave her my number and she just started doing that. As a young man with little self control, of course I reciprocated.

 

When we weren't talking dirty however, she kind of made it seem like she wanted to be my girlfriend. I basically told her "You know I just got out of this serious relationship and I really miss my ex, I can't date anyone for a long time while I try to figure this all out. If you just want to hook up and be FWB, I'm all for it, but I don't want you to get the wrong idea."

 

And she replied with "oh of course! that's what I want too!" Back to FWB. I could kind of tell she still wanted to date me, but I just let it go.

 

After about a month, while continuing to talk with this girl, my ex and I started to talk about getting back together. And when we did get back together, I told this girl "Oh my ex and I got back together!" thinking she'd be like "Oh good!" or "Okay onto the next guy."

 

Nope. Not what happened. Basically, she lost her mind, started screaming at me, saying that I led her on (even though I told her exactly where I stood multiple times), and ended up posting some of our sexts on Twitter. Not really the best way to restart your relationship after a month of NC.

 

Oh how naive I was (and still am). Long story short, MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING IS KEY.

 

I will never try FWB again. Just not for me. It was fun while it lasted, but every time we'd do things, I only ended up thinking about my ex and it made me feel awful afterwards. Trying to end an FWB was probably one of the most frustrating and embarrassing things that has ever happened to me. Also, I'm definitely a sensitive and passionate guy, which does carry into the sexual aspects of my relationships, and it never really felt good being with some girl I didn't care much about.

[Amelie1980]

I'm curious on people's thoughts on this topic. I've never been a guy to jump from girl to girl. I've only had sex with 1 girl that I wasn't in a relationship with. After my last breakup I went a year without having sex with anyone. Not really sure how, but that's how it ended up. I feel like I want to try something different this time around. The physical intimacy I shared with my most recent ex was off the charts. We both said it. It was simply the best I've ever had and the most passionate I've ever had. Part of me wants to prove to myself that the passion that was there came from me though, and not from her, and I want to see if i can replicate it with someone else. Obviously it can't be a one night stand (or maybe I'm wrong I've never had one), but am I wrong in thinking this? It seems most people are split 50/50 on this. Half say it helps to get over someone by having a distraction, while the other half say it'll hurt you in the end.

 

You'd never had sex like it before with another partner and you dont have sex with yourself. Therefore why do think THAT chemistry came from you alone? The passion came from both of you.

 

Sex is slightly different with every partner you have. I have to say I have had off the chart sex with two people but both of us were passionate. If the other person isnt that passionate then you wont have that wow factor you had.

 

May I ask why you split up if the sex was so amazing. You must have a decent level of chemistry to bond that well sexually.

[Nickr3023]

You'd never had sex like it before with another partner and you dont have sex with yourself. Therefore why do think THAT chemistry came from you alone? The passion came from both of you.

 

Sex is slightly different with every partner you have. I have to say I have had off the chart sex with two people but both of us were passionate. If the other person isnt that passionate then you wont have that wow factor you had.

 

May I ask why you split up if the sex was so amazing. You must have a decent level of chemistry to bond that well sexually.

 

It's probably easier just to post the thread I started a few weeks ago when we broke up. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/558290-moving

 

It was just ****ty timing. She was just out of a 10 year marriage. But you can read the gist of it there.

[Nickr3023]

The last time my ex and I broke up (back in February), this girl basically started sending nudes and talking dirty to me over text. This happened immediately. Like I gave her my number and she just started doing that. As a young man with little self control, of course I reciprocated.

 

When we weren't talking dirty however, she kind of made it seem like she wanted to be my girlfriend. I basically told her "You know I just got out of this serious relationship and I really miss my ex, I can't date anyone for a long time while I try to figure this all out. If you just want to hook up and be FWB, I'm all for it, but I don't want you to get the wrong idea."

 

And she replied with "oh of course! that's what I want too!" Back to FWB. I could kind of tell she still wanted to date me, but I just let it go.

 

After about a month, while continuing to talk with this girl, my ex and I started to talk about getting back together. And when we did get back together, I told this girl "Oh my ex and I got back together!" thinking she'd be like "Oh good!" or "Okay onto the next guy."

 

Nope. Not what happened. Basically, she lost her mind, started screaming at me, saying that I led her on (even though I told her exactly where I stood multiple times), and ended up posting some of our sexts on Twitter. Not really the best way to restart your relationship after a month of NC.

 

Oh how naive I was (and still am). Long story short, MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING IS KEY.

 

I will never try FWB again. Just not for me. It was fun while it lasted, but every time we'd do things, I only ended up thinking about my ex and it made me feel awful afterwards. Trying to end an FWB was probably one of the most frustrating and embarrassing things that has ever happened to me. Also, I'm definitely a sensitive and passionate guy, which does carry into the sexual aspects of my relationships, and it never really felt good being with some girl I didn't care much about.

 

Yeah I'm very much like you, a very sensitive, caring, and passionate guy. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone. I'm just trying to think of different things to help the process and curious what other people's experiences are. Yours actually helped greatly. I can see myself feeling the same way you did....doing it and having fun, but then part of me feeling awful at the same time. It's such a slippery slope.

[Amelie1980]

It's probably easier just to post the thread I started a few weeks ago when we broke up. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/558290-moving

 

It was just ****ty timing. She was just out of a 10 year marriage. But you can read the gist of it there.

 

She committed adultery and then cheated on you? That isn't bad timing, that is her. She is a selfish serial cheater.

 

Bullet dodged!

 

You know they say that you have the best sex with emotionally unstable people who can be quite cruel.

 

That is true of my ex. Maybe she finds it so easy to cheat as she is a good lay as you found.

[Nickr3023]

She committed adultery and then cheated on you? That isn't bad timing, that is her. She is a selfish serial cheater.

 

Bullet dodged!

 

You know they say that you have the best sex with emotionally unstable people who can be quite cruel.

 

That is true of my ex. Maybe she finds it so easy to cheat as she is a good lay as you found.

 

Yes I know, the logical left side of my brain knows all this stuff. How bad she treated me, how she didn't give back even half of what I gave, and essentially how she ended up cheating on me in the end. I wanted to believe that she learned her lesson from doing it once, and that I was different. But I was just naive and foolish.

 

The emotional right side of my brain which dominates me only remembers the good times, the laughs, the smiles, the fun, the sex, the feeling that I was the most important person in the world.

 

Deep down I know I dodged a bullet, that's when my logical side chimes in, but I just can't get over the emotional side of it all yet.

[Amelie1980]

Yes I know, the logical left side of my brain knows all this stuff. How bad she treated me, how she didn't give back even half of what I gave, and essentially how she ended up cheating on me in the end. I wanted to believe that she learned her lesson from doing it once, and that I was different. But I was just naive and foolish.

 

The emotional right side of my brain which dominates me only remembers the good times, the laughs, the smiles, the fun, the sex, the feeling that I was the most important person in the world.

 

Deep down I know I dodged a bullet, that's when my logical side chimes in, but I just can't get over the emotional side of it all yet.

 

You and me both man.

 

My ex is a male version of her. Cheated on first gf. Oops shouldnt have done it. Years later cheats on new gf with me while lying to both of us...oops. When with me sleeps around....oops. But when I caught him in the act he looked devastated and hurt.

 

My logical brain says he is a low life who I am well shot off. My illogical like yours says, why didnt he want MEEEEEEEE.

 

But if you look at their track records, they cheated before us and they will do it again. We are not the common denominator. They are.

 

It isnt because of bad timing or not finding the right partner, it is who they are.

[Ic1]

I read little of the OP post when adding to this thread, but the title alone implies:

ON REBOUND

[Nickr3023]

You and me both man.

 

My ex is a male version of her. Cheated on first gf. Oops shouldnt have done it. Years later cheats on new gf with me while lying to both of us...oops. When with me sleeps around....oops. But when I caught him in the act he looked devastated and hurt.

 

My logical brain says he is a low life who I am well shot off. My illogical like yours says, why didnt he want MEEEEEEEE.

 

But if you look at their track records, they cheated before us and they will do it again. We are not the common denominator. They are.

 

It isnt because of bad timing or not finding the right partner, it is who they are.

 

Yes and I keep trying to tell myself that. Some days it works. Other days.....not so much. That self esteem and confidence shot though is the part that hurts the most. She took the one thing that she knew I struggled with because of my past (trust, self esteem, confidence) and just **** on it.

[mountains]

I was set up on a blind date unknowingly by coworkers. They told me I was going to happy hour and another girl I work with was the only one that showed up. We had two drinks and I didn't talk much. Just looked at her (and even though she is good looking) and kept thinking she is only half as beautiful as my ex. Then when she was talking, there was no connection because I kept thinking she doesn't understand me like my ex and isn't as fun or good to talk to like my ex. Everything was compared to my ex and she failed the test like any other women would for a long time. I made the mistake and went out with her on Thanksgiving to a movie and we didn't stay for longer than 15 minutes before the previews before we went our separate ways. While it may work for some people, I realized that I just need to be alone for a while.

[Amelie1980]

Yes and I keep trying to tell myself that. Some days it works. Other days.....not so much. That self esteem and confidence shot though is the part that hurts the most. She took the one thing that she knew I struggled with because of my past (trust, self esteem, confidence) and just **** on it.

 

I sometimes have good days where I tell myself I am better off. My logical mind tells me it wasnt just me. He hasnt been particularly nice to anyone. He hasnt been loyal or faithful in both of his major relationships.

 

Other days I tell myself...why was he so nice to everyone else.

 

Im sick of it.

 

How long were you together?

[Nickr3023]

I sometimes have good days where I tell myself I am better off. My logical mind tells me it wasnt just me. He hasnt been particularly nice to anyone. He hasnt been loyal or faithful in both of his major relationships.

 

Other days I tell myself...why was he so nice to everyone else.

 

Im sick of it.

 

How long were you together?

 

Only a year, but with the intensity of it, and everything that we encountered and went through, it felt more like my 9 year relationship honestly. It was like all the intensity of a long term relationship was packed into 1 year.

[Chronotrgr]

I don't think it's a good idea, the soonest I have ever busted nuts after a relationships end has been at least 8 weeks afterwards, 4 weeks to give them the time and space to see if they come back, another 4 weeks to show my respect and come to terms with the fact she ain't coming back, I feel like I would heavily conflict with myself and think of my ex during the action so I wouldn't make something like that a priority, but it's also a moral stand point as well, I wouldn't want whoever I end up to imagine me with someone else especially if it was just meaningless sex, I know first hand how that feels, when I first met my ex she bounced from one relationship that spanned 6 years and went straight in to another relationship with someone who took advantage of her mashed up mind and played her feelings, thankfully I talked her out of the relationship and somehow she wound up getting into a relationship with me, but at times the thought that she would have meaningless sex with him really eat me up inside, it ain't easy thinking you weren't the one she turned to first after all that when you was the one she was meant to be with all along (if you believe in that kind of thing) to this day she still claims it was her biggest regret, don't let that be you.

[Amelie1980]

Only a year, but with the intensity of it, and everything that we encountered and went through, it felt more like my 9 year relationship honestly. It was like all the intensity of a long term relationship was packed into 1 year.

 

Mine was hardly any time at all.

[Nickr3023]

Mine was hardly any time at all.

 

It's such a strange feeling for me. I'm struggling so much with this girl, yet it was only 3 years ago that my ex of 9 years, who i lived with, who i was gonna buy a ring for in a few weeks before she left, cheated and left me. That feels like a lifetime ago, and for some reason I can't remember these feelings of sadness and loneliness being so intense. But I guess it's just because I overcame it and now that I'm somewhat friends with her I just can't relate to it anymore.