A year and a half later, an update.

[World's.Edge]

What I sometimes wonder about is the potential dangers of a BS getting a new revelation dropped on their head(through confession or otherwise) years, sometimes decades later and this new revelation being seen as a "game changer" in the mind of the BS so much so that it unravels all of the hard work both the BS and WS have done together. If you don't feel like that's an issue you're worried about then fair enough.

This is so speculative as to be meaningless. Is this a hypothetical question? Is your entire understanding of the process of recovery from betrayal and reconciliation based on an assessment of the affair? It's possible to understand why it happened and to believe that your spouse understands the important factors and will not repeat them. Sometimes that's enough.

 

I understand what Horton posited. There was a story of a husband and wife who were about two years into reconciliation and doing fairly well. Then the husband came to learn that the first person that his wife called and texted after the birth of one of their children was her long-term affair partner. The husband knew all of the intimate and sexual details of the affair but he couldn't get over her sharing the birth of their child with her lover and that ultimately led to divorce. One wouldn't consider that an important affair detail but something like that could unravel any progress made during reconciliation and end the marriage, which it did.

 

Many people learn to accept and live with their spouse's affair. It's usually not the sexual aspect of the affair that tends to end marriages but other behaviours during or after the affair.

Edited December 4, 2015 by World's.Edge

[merrmeade]

I understand what Horton posited. There was a story of a husband and wife who were about two years into reconciliation and doing fairly well. Then the husband came to learn that the first person that his wife called and texted after the birth of one of their children was her long-term affair partner. The husband knew all of the intimate and sexual details of the affair but he couldn't get over her sharing the birth of their child with her lover and that ultimately led to divorce. One wouldn't consider that an important affair detail but something like that could unravel any progress made during reconciliation and end the marriage, which it did.

 

Many people learn to accept and live with their spouse's affair. It's usually not the sexual aspect of the affair that tends to end marriages but other behaviours during or after the affair.

Thanks for going to this trouble. It's a very good example, and I do see the point now. It's not about any kind of judgment on the information or the WS, it's just the fact of how deep the pain that new information causes. I can see how that could be the last straw.

 

However, for me the ONLY issue would be to hear what my husband had to say about it- whatever it is. If he were to say and show that he now realizes how wrong that action was - and it doesn't matter how many times he's said it before, he has to start over every time new info comes up - and I have to feel that remorse and see the new man that he's tried to become.

[betrayedandhurting]

Let me see if I can answer some of your questions.

 

What if I found out more about what happened? Well it would be badly painful obviously. All the big issues of timelines, my children etc. are all sorted at this point. The deal breaker about the past at this point for me is if I found out about new people I didn't know about. That's big enough that if my wife chose not to share for me it would be unacceptable. The rest are little but painful details but like I said even the stuff I can't really find out about because there isn't evidence left I already know in my heart.

 

The big issue for me is knowing, absolutely knowing, that if something new happens and by something I mean ANY ANY ANY "secret" kept from me no matter how "innocent" I will leave. No drama. No more screaming etc. just leave. I've given everything I have to give, I'm out of any forgiveness. It would just be over and let the lawyers settle it.

 

How do I live with the "imbalance" in my marriage etc. I *am* humiliated I admit. I do wonder sometimes how my wife compares me etc. but the reality is we have found a new intimacy that I have defined and without going into details because my marriage deserves some privacy I am fairly confident my wife and I have shared things we have never shared before with others and my wife and I are certainly attentive to each other in ways we never were before. Does that change what she gave away, how she treated me as the ultimate fool for years... I know it doesn't but it's something and I'm trying.

 

Do I feel safe? Do I think my wife will do this again? That's a tougher question. I feel safe nothing is happening bad right now or will in the near future. I feel safe in the confidence that if something does happen I now have ways to know and immediately end this marriage. Do I think my wife will do this again? I truly think she will not but will never again feel certain. Before you point to the fact she had an EA got caught and then did this again 5 years later it is no comparison. I rug swept the EA in a matter of a couple of weeks and never addressed a single issue with my wife or our marriage. This last year has rocked us to the ground. The amount of devastation on both our sides seemed never ending and still is addressed frequently. My wife remains in constant IC. Everything about how we interact with each other is tremendously different and remains so a year and a half later including many hugely positive changes. I believe my wife's boundaries are far better and she no longer naively believes that she can compartmentalize her life that she has to choose me and her family or lose us all and the choice is clear to her and was on the very day I discovered the affair.

 

It seems like many of you want me to say I'm totally happy or else admit I'm a fool for staying but the reality is my marriage today, in this moment, is exactly what I always wanted my marriage to be while at the same time I go home to an intact family with a 10 and 7 year absolutely thriving and happy. It's the damn knowledge of what has happened that continues to be a pain all the time but in that pain I can't lie I do have happiness that things are better.

 

I think all of us want to believe we have made the right choices in life. The problem is life makes it clear that in many situations there are no clear or right choices. This has been my choice and many, many things have worked out as well as I could hope for but I still have issues and pain to try to heal. If I made different choices and left I would simply have different issues and different pains to solve.

Edited December 4, 2015 by betrayedandhurting

[Lois_Griffin]

That said... where is my line? Easy. Never, ever again. Anything. Any secret moving forward. A secret phone call with any man, an email... anything... doesn't have to be physical, doesn't have to even have a history... the slightest mistake tomorrow or 30 years from now I walk away.

But that was your line the FIRST time, the day you married her. If you didn't respect that line when you found about all her horrific cheating and lying, why would you honor that line the 2nd time? The 10th time? The 12th time?

[Friskyone4u]

B & H,

 

Your story is textbook for how infidelity wrecks relationships even when two people reconcile. And that does not show up in asny of the statistics.

 

By all acccounts of the way she is now, you should be a happy camper. But you are not or you would not have come here to update your story. Maybe more time will help that.

 

You did not endure some simple ONS ( I hate to say simple but compared to what you got it is). You not only got betrayed sexually but lied to over and over again for a long time. And while you KNOW what you will do if it happens again, or think you do, you also must know that your wife probably cannot be in therapy for the rest of her life, and that there is no guarantee possible that whatever mentally caused her to do this will not resurface. I think that is what you and all those in your position struggle with.

 

I guess you missed a bunch of red flags from what you said and you THINK you cannot be fooled again. Hopefully, you are correct.

 

The guy that comes along with the crysstal ball on what will happen in the future will be an instant billionaire.

 

Every person who reads this would probably react in their own way to exactly the same circumstances. Maybe time will heal you more to where with what she has done to help this will be acceptable to you and you can feel better.

 

You HAVE personally survived this. You are not a druggy because of it, you are not an alcoholic because of it, and you have a good life right now. You endured getting knocked on your ass but got back up. Your marriage is NEVER going to be the same, and you know that.

 

If you want to look at the positives, you do not have to read far here on this or any forum to see how many men are not as fortunate with WW refusing to stop with OM.

 

I hope you figure it out and find happiness

[Midwestmissy]

Hope is a strong thing. Having your future planned with one person you adore and then finding out about infidelity is debilitating. You question so much and you feel very broken - my self esteem is shot.

 

But I never stopped loving my wh or wanting to be married to him. Even when he was blaming me for everything. My situation was 4-8 mos ea/pa, followed by almost 2 yrs of lying about it. So much hurt while I scrambled to fix a problem I didn't know existed.

 

I feel very weak for attempting reconciliation. But my wh says that I loved him so much and never gave up on the marriage shows him I'm the stronger one. That may or may not be true, although attempting to solve personal issues through an affair is ridiculously weak for sure. And he was a complete douche to me and our kids.

 

I've invested 28 years - since I was 18 - in this man. We built a life and family together. For me - for me, not every betrayed spouse- I need to know I gave reconciliation 100% before I can walk away. I'm ashamed that I moved my line in the sand, but I'm living this life. I'd probably advise someone who told me my story to walk away. But until you're in it, it's really hard to judge. I have to live with my decision. Regardless of the outcome, I'll know I tried my best and never gave up - that's all I can control. My children will watch my every move and their dad's in all this. Should he stray again, that's his to live with. But the future is unwritten for all of us, so today this is what I'm working on. But I proceed with a very different take on marriage than I've have most of my life.

[betrayedandhurting]

But that was your line the FIRST time, the day you married her. If you didn't respect that line when you found about all her horrific cheating and lying, why would you honor that line the 2nd time? The 10th time? The 12th time?

 

Totally incorrect. On the day we got married we made promises to each other saying we would forsake all others and for better or *worse*. She may have broken her vows but I sure as hell have not because this is the worse. What I've done with my "line" is simply say, "You know that deal when we got married? Well you used my worse card and it's gone forever, try this again and I have nothing left to honor because I've already told you what I'll do next time."

 

I *never* discussed what cheating would cause me to do before I got married or even when I rug swept the short start up EA I discovered years ago because I just never even saw the cheating as a possible thing. Now the blinders off and the get out of jail nearly free cards are used up.

[66Charger]

Even though I think your story is one of the top 3 in horror, at the end of the day, if you are happy with your choice and your blinders are truly off, then that is all that is important. We all want to get up in the morning, see the sunshine, kiss the wife/husband and go forth with a smile and a happy heart. By your words, for the most part this is how you feel. I sincerely hope that one day, because your line never gets crossed, it does turn to dust.

[betrayedandhurting]

Thanks. If my wife wasn't pulling out the stops and trying to save our marriage I can't say where I'd be right now but my long winded "update" at a year and half is the depressing but trying to be hopeful... "I have my dream marriage and wife, my kids are happy, I'm happy but at the same time it is colored with a deep pain that is right alongside." Depressing but I suppose an absolute reality for those attempting to reconcile from deep betrayal and a major reason folks say it takes 2-5 years to recover to something that forever will still be different from what you signed up for. For right now for the pride I have in holding my vows, loving my wife, providing a stable life for my children, holding onto my life goals etc. it's the right choice but it isn't easy at all and no doubt it's a balance beam over a cliff.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

It really is a profound change and it feels so right it just is a daily kick in my nuts and knife in my heart to know what was the cause for change. My family is together. A beautiful home ready for the holiday, a wife calling and texting me every moment I am on the road to ask about my day and tell me all about hers, simple things like our whole family getting excited for our reserved IMAX seats to Star Wars etc. all would be lost if I hadn't stayed and if my wife didn't stop.

My problem with this is that you're giving too much control over your happiness to someone else. What's worse is that in this case, you know she isn't worthy of that trust.

 

I'd never do it.

[betrayedandhurting]

I get it. Maybe I am making the wrong choice but I *am* trying to control my own happiness. I have no good choices so I'm just trying to make the *best* choices. So I leave and find another woman who I can trust and be happy with, but at what cost to my current finances, dreams, and family? Don't tell me I won't feel pain as I shuttle my kids away from my life half the week and co-parent with an ex. None of this means I will tolerate that abuse again but if things are good now and I live with pain with my family together is that worse or better than good with pain but my family broken apart?

 

Many, many folks here have had unrepentant cheating spouses who made no effort to really repair their marriages, assigned blame to the betrayed and worse took their affairs underground and never stopped. That hasn't been the case for me so it gives me hope. None of this is easy and it's a mess I have to live with no matter my choices and that is sad but a reality of my life, I can't change it.

[Krashi]

I get it. Maybe I am making the wrong choice but I *am* trying to control my own happiness. I have no good choices so I'm just trying to make the *best* choices. So I leave and find another woman who I can trust and be happy with, but at what cost to my current finances, dreams, and family? Don't tell me I won't feel pain as I shuttle my kids away from my life half the week and co-parent with an ex. None of this means I will tolerate that abuse again but if things are good now and I live with pain with my family together is that worse or better than good with pain but my family broken apart?

 

Many, many folks here have had unrepentant cheating spouses who made no effort to really repair their marriages, assigned blame to the betrayed and worse took their affairs underground and never stopped. That hasn't been the case for me so it gives me hope. None of this is easy and it's a mess I have to live with no matter my choices and that is sad but a reality of my life, I can't change it.

FWIW, for me, leaving has not erased the pain one bit. So, I do not beeiive I would have less pain if I stayed or left.

Much as I hate to admit it, I am virtually certain that this paain will remain with me, at about this level, for my remaining life.

I cannt relate to the concept thjat, in some way, divorcing makes things any easier.

I lost some access to my kids, got hit really bad financially. sacrificed my best years etc.

Sometimes, you just have to keep your head down and go on. I still have good times, but, especially at night, the pain returns.

[road]

I really, really don't think so. I agree that I have no lines in the sand when it comes to the past betrayals and I still don't think I know 100% truth but I feel confident I will not hesitate to end my marriage if I ever go through any further betrayals.

 

Anyway my point in posting was just to give a status update and give an example of the pros and cons of trying to rebuild a crumbled marriage even with a remorseful partner giving their best. I've made my choice now it's just learning to live with the consequences.

 

 

Why do you think that you do not have the whole truth?

 

 

What did you do to get the whole truth?

[qubist]

I don't understand why posters here have hard time believing that the OP could find a satisfying and happy life after R. I believe he is honest.

OP: you are a strong man for choosing to reconcile with your wife, you had every right to walk away and still do but instead you chose to save you marriage which is very hard and demanding. It takes 2 to R and so far based on what you described your wife is on bord doing things by the book. However I want to warn you that unless she address her flaws you are not safe. She seems to be narcissistic and narcissism is not easily "cured" but could be controlled. How is she doing in addressing her flaws that caused her Cheating?

Other thing I would like to bring to you attention is that in order for you to move on you should forget about how you perceived your life before her A, you have to realize that once you accepted to R you had started a new relationship with her. Your old relationship with your wife is over. Create new memories enjoy the new you and her and do not dwell on the past. It will take time for you to accept the new relationship and be fine with it but it is what you signed up for when you forgave her.

I wish you all the luck

[merrmeade]

I don't understand why posters here have hard time believing that the OP could find a satisfying and happy life after R. I believe he is honest.

OP: you are a strong man for choosing to reconcile with your wife, you had every right to walk away and still do but instead you chose to save you marriage which is very hard and demanding. It takes 2 to R and so far based on what you described your wife is on bord doing things by the book. However I want to warn you that unless she address her flaws you are not safe. She seems to be narcissistic and narcissism is not easily "cured" but could be controlled. How is she doing in addressing her flaws that caused her Cheating?

Other thing I would like to bring to you attention is that in order for you to move on you should forget about how you perceived your life before her A, you have to realize that once you accepted to R you had started a new relationship with her. Your old relationship with your wife is over. Create new memories enjoy the new you and her and do not dwell on the past. It will take time for you to accept the new relationship and be fine with it but it is what you signed up for when you forgave her.

I wish you all the luck

But the past should not be forgotten as in rug-sweeping. The mistakes of the past can serve as important guidelines for the red flags of the future. I'd agree that you don't throw the mistakes in each other's faces, but there needs to be imho an understanding that you KNOW exactly why s/he went astray and none of that kind of entitlement thinking can even get a foothold again - in any aspect of your lives.

[betrayedandhurting]

Why do you think that you do not have the whole truth?

 

 

What did you do to get the whole truth?

 

Within a few weeks I had the full time line and what was involved. My wife however spent a year down playing the painful details I asked for. Minimized number and locations of encounters, specifics of what they did and said etc. I spent a lot of time exhaustingly getting truth by computer forensics, bluffing, threats of leaving, making an appointment but not going through with a polygraph etc. She has sadly fit the mold of telling me a little more each time in the hopes I get done asking, sometimes offering a bit unprompted in the hopes it makes me think I got the whole truth.

 

Bottom line is the major details of length and scope of affair I got near the beginning but the sordid details have been a slow leak (to be honest maybe I shouldn't have pressed for what becomes mind movies but obviously getting her to own up to the horrible details has its own importance) and I doubt that I have 100% although as usual she claims I do. By what's missing here is what I mean... I suspect they ripped us spouses to shreds and it's likely the whole invasion of both their homes for the affair had a turn on factor she will never admit, she denied forever they said "I love you" but of course they did, the frequency and location of what occurred in my home has undoubtably been minimized especially after she saw my visceral disgust at my own home and things being violated etc. What I don't think is there have been others or the timeline is incorrect. Again I'm not naive, my wife had a 2.5 year long LTA and previously an EA with another person in the last 10 year period. It's bad, really, really bad... so at this point I can try to prove that not only did they do in these 3 rooms, but this 4th one too, I can leave, or I can try to focus on the present and future trying to save this marriage but with my own new boundaries that give me permission to leave my vows and end this charade if anything happens again.

[betrayedandhurting]

My wife is NOT a classic narcissist. She cares deeply for others and for her family and I believe that she did even when this was going on. It's why 1 second after my discovery, the affair was over and she has been on her knees trying to save the marriage.

 

The IC and hundreds of hours of talking have me truly believing (and I knew this even before I married her) that my wife has always felt inadequate, underachieving and unappreciated. She lacks self confidence and it's has manifisted itself throughout her life. She has FOO and cultural issues where here mother long has made her feel a lesser child then her sibling despite straight A's and a great work effort. She tried her whole life to please others in academics, sports, music etc. but it was never enough.

 

Her own nature which she has to own up to began acting out in high school in a call for attention with threats of suicide etc. and was only met with more disappointment. Early dating life and the typical minor dramas where met with paranoia on her part that she would lose a boyfriend etc. When I dated her unknown to me at the time she obsessively catalogued to her friends in writing how she was sure I would leave her, didn't think of her etc. despite being an attentive boyfriend because she wasn't doing enough to keep me. Only once we got engaged and married did she truly settle down but motherhood hit her for a loop.

 

She threw herself into being a Mom with a vengeance and signed up for activity after activity, school committee after committee... everything. The whole time she feels like a failure that it isn't enough, her mom is still displeased with her etc. I honestly paid little attention to growing signs of her depression because number 1 I thought it was ridiculous since it was obvious to everyone just a great job she was doing and number 2 I assumed it would pass. Instead like her I focused ever more on being a great Dad to the kids and less on what my silly wife was worried about today. Well the depression heighted and grew and eventually here comes a total stranger at work complementing her and telling her all her pains and worries were legitimate and she was unappreciated but that he could see it. For someone who felt like she was drowning, even if she wasn't, the whole affair felt like a life line. She carried on an flirty but not sexual talk EA for a long time before it went physical and only after she actually forcibly rejected a significant physical advance (I have proof of this) and he cut off his "friendship" and she spiraled into depression without it. The whole affair for her was about giving him what he wanted so she could get what she needed, attention and affirmation. The whole time this goes own she justifies the whole thing occurring solely on time I'm not home etc. so it isn't part of her "real" life, she keeps spending all the same time with me, her kids, the committees etc.

 

My wife has a volcano inside of her that bubbles a constant source of dread in her that she is a failure. She works so hard to prove that wrong to everyone including herself so she can function. The illusion works great... 99.9999% of people who know her think she is the most put together, organized, caring, hard working person they know. The IC and the fall out of the affair on her marriage snapped her back to a reality that first off she has nothing to prove to others and there are only a few people that truly love her without strings attached and that list starts with me. My wife will always live with this tendency toward depression and self loathing buts it her belief, her therapists belief and my hope that she can learn to recognize those feelings and act appropriately to balance and help make them settle down with risking her life, future and those people she loves. I certainly know this is no joke anymore and I don't put the signs I saw before into the "she's being silly category" at all.

 

None of this is a single excuse at all. Not a bit of justification at all. But I know as certain as I know I love my children that this affair for her was not about her hating me or our marriage, or her beliving she deserved whatever she wanted etc. It was simply about massive depression that my wife dared not talk about since that would simply prove what a failure she was a way she emotionally self medicated in a way that has devestated her entire family.

[NewLeaf512]

I get it. Maybe I am making the wrong choice but I *am* trying to control my own happiness. I have no good choices so I'm just trying to make the *best* choices. So I leave and find another woman who I can trust and be happy with, but at what cost to my current finances, dreams, and family? Don't tell me I won't feel pain as I shuttle my kids away from my life half the week and co-parent with an ex. None of this means I will tolerate that abuse again but if things are good now and I live with pain with my family together is that worse or better than good with pain but my family broken apart?

 

Many, many folks here have had unrepentant cheating spouses who made no effort to really repair their marriages, assigned blame to the betrayed and worse took their affairs underground and never stopped. That hasn't been the case for me so it gives me hope. None of this is easy and it's a mess I have to live with no matter my choices and that is sad but a reality of my life, I can't change it.

 

 

It is happy and sad to read this thread. I've not read your back story yet but from the comments it appears you've had a hell of a time.

 

It is good that your W is trying in a way that is meaningful to you, and that you are somewhat able to enjoy some events with your W and children. There's no way anyone can say how you will feel in the future, but I hope and wish that at some point the pain will start easing and the happy times can be fully enjoyed and experienced by you in the moment without a tinge of sadness or hurt.

 

The space that you are in at the moment isn't fully living in either happiness or freedom. You appear to be a good man who loves his children. In reading the posts here, those who R seem to find they made the right decision. All the strength and kindness to you.

 

NL

[italianjob]

I would have told you I had a "great" marriage before I discovered her affair

 

And that's what you're telling us now...

 

I don't understand why posters here have hard time believing that the OP could find a satisfying and happy life after R. I believe he is honest.

 

I absolutely believe he is honest. But I'm under the impression that he's deluding himself and mostly rugswept, rather than reconciliating.

 

But that's an impression, of course, and I could be wrong, but it looks like other posters are under the same impression.

 

OP, it sounds to me that you don't know the truth, know that your wife has been lying and is still lying, and both of you don't really have much insight on what was the driving force behind this.

If you consider that she showed a pattern of going for something on the side (first with the EA, if EA it was indeed, then with what you found out) it doesn't sound like you are anywhere near an understanding of what to do to avoid this behavior in the future, IMO.

 

So:

- you didn't sought out the truth (previous EA would have called for a closer look, after what you discovered, IMO)

- did you expose in any way (OMW, anyone else)?

- is she transparent with her phone, pc and electronic devices. to what extent?

- what is your and her working situation right now? I remember her scolding the OM for being incautious, and that she was very smart and wary about secrecy. What have you done to be able to know what she's up to?

[66Charger]

I think you are wasting your time searching for details or I love yous. It wont help and you.probaly should make acceptance of those details a part of the reconciliation.

 

However I do think you should polygraph for the one unanswered question of importance

Where there any other affairs. If she agrees, and there were none, perhaps you this can give you a little peace.

[betrayedandhurting]

And that's what you're telling us now...

 

 

 

I absolutely believe he is honest. But I'm under the impression that he's deluding himself and mostly rugswept, rather than reconciliating.

 

But that's an impression, of course, and I could be wrong, but it looks like other posters are under the same impression.

 

OP, it sounds to me that you don't know the truth, know that your wife has been lying and is still lying, and both of you don't really have much insight on what was the driving force behind this.

If you consider that she showed a pattern of going for something on the side (first with the EA, if EA it was indeed, then with what you found out) it doesn't sound like you are anywhere near an understanding of what to do to avoid this behavior in the future, IMO.

 

So:

- you didn't sought out the truth (previous EA would have called for a closer look, after what you discovered, IMO)

- did you expose in any way (OMW, anyone else)?

- is she transparent with her phone, pc and electronic devices. to what extent?

- what is your and her working situation right now? I remember her scolding the OM for being incautious, and that she was very smart and wary about secrecy. What have you done to be able to know what she's up to?

 

I rugswept a short flirty EA years ago. Absolutely. I own that.

 

I haven't rug swept this major LTA at all. It has brought my family to its knees and the emotions and uncertainty has been present every single day for the last year and a half.

 

My wife's mother knows. My parents know. Some close friends know. The children know. I exposed the affair to the OMW.

 

She is fully transparent to anything I want to see and has openly offered to give me access to anything I want of hers for life. It's an offer I've taken her up on and she has also ceased all activities outside of her immediate family. Although it wasn't part of the affair girls night out etc. are over.

 

My wife quit her job and didn't even return to hand in her badge. She stays home now and for various reasons not only related to her affair it works tremendously for my family. I have a unique occupation and having my wife home to run the household actually is a true benefit and allows me more time with her and the ability make MORE money than if she was working for various reasons. I actually was supporting her working mainly because I felt she would be unhappy using her degree and she was unhappy working because she felt it kept her from the kids but we never spoke of this stuff to each other. The new situation had worked well the past 18 months from a logistical standpoint.

 

I have a variety of means to be certain this isn't happening again. I won't post them publically but I'm confident that should anything happen while she might be able to get away with something for a short time there is no possible way I won't find out quickly and leave.

[OneLov]

so at this point I can try to prove that not only did they do in these 3 rooms, but this 4th one too, I can leave, or I can try to focus on the present and future trying to save this marriage but with my own new boundaries that give me permission to leave my vows and end this charade if anything happens again.

 

Based on your update, choice to reconcile, and the amount of time that has passed, I think you are doing the right things. Reconciliation is a personal choice and should not be framed in terms of "right" or "wrong". In and of itself, the choice to reconcile does not make a person weak or strong, wise or foolish, courageous or a coward, etc..

 

Like you have suggested, spending all your time and energy trying to discover details like additional rooms will only bring you dismissed returns at this point. At this stage, fixating on details from the past will severely compromise your chances of a successful future. You worked too hard to jeopardize your efforts. I think you are on the right path to achieving your goal(s).

 

OneLov

[betrayedandhurting]

I think you are wasting your time searching for details or I love yous. It wont help and you.probaly should make acceptance of those details a part of the reconciliation.

 

However I do think you should polygraph for the one unanswered question of importance

Where there any other affairs. If she agrees, and there were none, perhaps you this can give you a little peace.

 

I am certain there were not others. The only thing I am uncertain of is if that flirty EA 9 years ago that I rug swept ever had a physical element. For a variety of reasons I have strong evidence outside of wife's claims that she isn't lying and it did not go physical but I'll never truly know. At this point should I insist on a polygraph and find it was physical (again very doubtful) Id have to ask if it would make me leave. Honestly I don't know I would leave. Much of me staying is accepting what has happened, defining the kind of life I need now and setting boundaries and consequences if my needs aren't met. Objectively aside from the pain of what's been done in the past my life today is awesome and very different from what I thought was great but now realize wasn't. Let's see what happens moving forward.

[qubist]

In my opinion, you shouldn't spend any more energy on the past others than making sure she is being treated for whatever made her cheat, if there was any cheating spouse that deserved forgiving you wife should make that list she is trying hard. don to feel bad for feeling down, it's only been a year and a half you need time she knows it. I bet she has an excellent therapist that kno w how to show her the balance between her needs to heal and the effort she owes to you to make R works.

[qubist]

But the past should not be forgotten as in rug-sweeping. The mistakes of the past can serve as important guidelines for the red flags of the future. I'd agree that you don't throw the mistakes in each other's faces, but there needs to be imho an understanding that you KNOW exactly why s/he went astray and none of that kind of entitlement thinking can even get a foothold again - in any aspect of your lives.

I don't see them rug-sweeping it this time. He sees it as a result of her flaws and wanted to give her the Benefit of the doubt after she immediately stop the A quit her job and begged for forgiveness. Does he have the right to just walk away? Absolutely, no one is arguing that. But does he have a chance at saving his marriage? I really believe he does, it is not like she is still on her fantasy and dragging him along. As long as she addresses her issues she could be a better wife that she was before.