Amelie1980 Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 Could you do me a favour? PM me and we'll exchange personal details. Then I will come over, take charge of your phone, computer, letterbox, diary, planner, fb page and car, so that when you say you're going No Contact, I can damn well make sure that (1) you know precisely what that means, and (2) you actually stick to it for more than 45 minutes. I've read this thread. Boy, if I was really a friend of yours, I would take you in hand and help you get over this waste of brain-space in a week. as it is, the thread title should read "NC Challenge - I haven't tried it at all. What's it like?" Hopeless. Good idea Tara it is summer in Australia now.
Amelie1980 Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 (edited) I also randomly got a message from one of his best friends yesterday, who I haven't spoken to in a while, saying he misses me and wants to catch up sometime. I got along with him, we called him Ranga, so well, I'd love to catch up with him, but don't know if it's a good idea now or not I found your old thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/544469-really-just-vent-other-people-can-t-mind-their-own-business have nothing to do with his friends given the history with them. None of this would have happened if, when he dumped you, you had just walked away and not contacted him at all. I'm sorry but all of this stress and agro you have brought upon yourself and you are still inviting it in to your life again by considering seeing his best mate. He is a 21 yo who enjoys smoking pot and drinking, he is not going to get out there, get a career and get a good income and a car and settle down with you to raise your 7 year old son. He cant give you the lifestyle you need and he doesnt want to either. He wants to be a carefree young twenty something and there's nothing wrong with that. He was only 14 when your son was born. It will never ever work out and I dont understand why you went out with him in the first place. Edited December 6, 2015 by Amelie1980
Author nellbell86 Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 Tara I might have to take you up on that one! Haha Day, 5 I think? Feeling a bit crummy but ok, my son is home and tomorrow is the last day of school before school holidays start, so the next few days will be filled with keeping him occupied so that will help keep my mind off things. I've seen the ex out and about twice in the last couple of days, worst thing about living in the same suburb and only 1 street away from his best friend. Sunday I was driving out to go to a girlfriends house, and drove past him in his best mates car. Our eyes met for a second as the cars passed each other. Then yesterday morning I went out to get Maccas for breakfast, and saw him out on his pushbike going to the local deli. Really sucks cos it makes me want to contact him, but I haven't and I won't! There's a Christmas pageant on tonight with fireworks so I'm going to take my son along, that'll be a nice night for us
warrior04 Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 The best thing to do in this scenario is leave him alone for a while. The more you beg and cry and constantly text him he will get angry and irritated with you. I am a man, and I was recently dumped about 1 month ago to the day. I have not called or texted her at all and guess what day 29 I got a text from her wishing me a happy bday. what I am trying to say is that when you love someone you have to love them enough to let them go. if they love you the same they will come back if not I promise you within a month of not talking to him you WILL start to feel better and stronger everyday. I PROMISE YOU IT WILL!! So, as of today no more texting, calling, or showing up to his parents house or work. Do this for your well being. # stay strong
Blanco Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 At this point, OP just needs to be in Damage Control mode. This expired relationship has no future. Anything she does now should be done either for her son or her own healing; not to get this guy's attention or attempt to entice him. I somehow missed that the OP has a child, which I think makes her behavior even less excusable. Breakups suck, but when you have another life depending on you, that's where the bulk of your attention needs to be; not chasing after someone who's barely an adult themselves. When you're a single parent, serious relationships should only be entertained with people who would realistically make suitable parental figures for the child. A 21-year-old pothead bartender isn't likely to be such a candidate. 1
Amelie1980 Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 The best thing to do in this scenario is leave him alone for a while. The more you beg and cry and constantly text him he will get angry and irritated with you. I am a man, and I was recently dumped about 1 month ago to the day. I have not called or texted her at all and guess what day 29 I got a text from her wishing me a happy bday. what I am trying to say is that when you love someone you have to love them enough to let them go. if they love you the same they will come back if not I promise you within a month of not talking to him you WILL start to feel better and stronger everyday. I PROMISE YOU IT WILL!! So, as of today no more texting, calling, or showing up to his parents house or work. Do this for your well being. # stay strong dig out her other threads. He told her to her face it was an act because it's what she wanted and not what he wanted. 1
Jenmarie Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 3 1/2 months into NC. Both of our birthdays past, I'm the dumpee and I blocked every single way of contact so it's impossible for him to contact me. I don't really have interest in reaching out. Since the break up and moving back home, I've gotten a job, met new friends, spent time with my old ones, picked up new hobbies... I've been doing things I've always wanted to do but never did. Things have been pretty great, I mean it was hard. Extremely hard, but as time goes by, it gets easier. I'll still randomly dream about him or something great will happen in my life and for some reason, I get the urge to tell him because that's just what I did for almost four years. Sometimes I miss our friendship, companionship. But I just remember what happened and it reminds me that I want better for myself. Somedays I feel like I won't have that closeness with someone ever again, but sometimes it's better to be alone than to be with something that just isn't going to work out or that's going to keep hurting you. 1
xxCourt96xx Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 My experience: It's been 3 months without a bit of contact. I'm the dumpee. I don't have much interest in talking to him because of how he ended things...he hasn't tried to contact me once, which is fine...I don't expect him to. Trying to initiate contact with him would be overstepping a set boundary in my new relationship and it isn't worth the risk for someone who didn't value me and treated me the way he did. I still have his parents on my Facebook and we're civil, I see them around sometimes. We're really young still and things just happen...at this point I'm finally starting to find peace within myself For me it was hard keeping NC. Really, really hard. The only thing that kept me from contacting him all the time was the fact that he didn't value me the way I deserved to be valued, he was too young to truly love me...I deserved better. And I did find better- sooner than I expected, I'm pretty sure I got some eye rolls from people because I was in a new relationship a little under 2 months after the BU...but I'm really happy where I'm at with my new guy. I'm still working on finding peace within myself and I know it'll still be a bit of time before all the insecurities and hurt fades fully, but I got good friends and family and a good boyfriend...so I'm alright. My only advice to you is sometimes you have to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.
Amelie1980 Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 (edited) At this point, OP just needs to be in Damage Control mode. This expired relationship has no future. Anything she does now should be done either for her son or her own healing; not to get this guy's attention or attempt to entice him. I somehow missed that the OP has a child, which I think makes her behavior even less excusable. Breakups suck, but when you have another life depending on you, that's where the bulk of your attention needs to be; not chasing after someone who's barely an adult themselves. When you're a single parent, serious relationships should only be entertained with people who would realistically make suitable parental figures for the child. A 21-year-old pothead bartender isn't likely to be such a candidate. I'm actually horrified at the behavior. If you read the other threads, OP has gone as far as blaming him having ADHD and being a narcissist to explain his behavior rather than accept the bleeding obvious....he just doesnt want her. By her own admissions she allowed him to stay in her home when her son was there. When he dumped her she had a nervous breakdown and lost 30lbs in body weight and also lost her new job because of her breakdown. I dont think the OP is aware that this isnt a game or a joke. She knew he used drugs but allows him in her house with her son present, her mental state has been bad enough for her to lose a job..... I mean what would the boy's father do if he knew she allowed a druggie in the house with him? She needs to exercise damage control now. Also as the mother of a son. Imagine when the OPs son is 20....would she be happy that a nearly 30 year old woman was harrassing him, his friends, his family and his colleagues and just wouldn't take no for an answer? How would she react to her barely adult son being subjected to this? Would she also be happy for her 20 year old son to settle down for the REST OF HIS LIFE with a 29 year old, emotionally unstable, divorced mother of a 6 year old who has harassed him and his friends and family? Or would she think her son could do alot better? I feel sorry for the ex the more I hear. Alot of vitriol has been spewed out at him, calling him a pothead and a loser but just remember he has only just had his 21st birthday. I did some very stupid stuff when I was young. He has plenty of time to turn his life around, stop doing drugs and grow up. I cant imagine how he feels at this age, he dumped someone what 5-6 months ago and she has made his life hell ever since, he probably doesnt know what to do. The OPs behavior is horribly selfish. I am not over my ex, I think about him all the time and constantly go over in my head all the ins and outs of why he ended it. But I dont communicate that to him. I said a few choice words the day it ended and vanished the same day. I dont have him but maybe I still have some self respect. No contact is not a challenge for me, I just did it. I cant imagine demeaning myself by chasing after a guy who has already rejected me by begging him to come back. That will be the day..... Edited December 9, 2015 by Amelie1980
JDam Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 He broke up with me 9 months ago and I was super strict about NC. I deleted him off every place possible the night we broke up. He broke NC after 3 months saying he wanted to thank me for our time together (but did not forget to mention he does not regret breaking up). I replied in a very neutral way, something like thanks, it's a shame that what you are saying does not match with the words you say behind my back (he would trash talk me after the breakup). Then after 5 months he sent me a card from abroad and a letter in which he says he wants to meet up. 1
Dylon Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Nell, you know how you get over him? I don't think you ever loved him. You loved what you could have had with him if you accomplished shaping him into the more mature guy you wish to have. He's just a kid. At that age, I wouldn't want a girlfriend and a mother rolled in one. Freedom was the utmost important and you were not his freedom. Even after BU, he was not free from you. You had a vision for him. It was unfulfilled. See how all the friends said you are good for him? Why? Well, mabye because he needed someone to help him grow up? That's not your job. Find a man! Your posts were very clear and detailed. I think anyone who has experiences in a relationship recognize your problem except you because you are hurt and in your own love fog/fantasy of what this guy could have been for you. I didn't see anything great about this short R you described. Mabye you are just hanging on to your failed dream. Good luck with NC. 1
winny Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 All I can say to the OP is - Please leave the poor guy alone. I cant imagine how awful he must be feeling. And you need professional help frankly.
Author nellbell86 Posted December 13, 2015 Author Posted December 13, 2015 Hi guys! Sorry i can't reply individually, but I do appreciate your input and your advice along the way so far. Dylon I totally agree with your points, his friends even said along the way that he "needed someone like me to help him grow up" but you're right, that's not my job! Well last Thursday he actually texted me, and I gave him a call. We had a really nice talk actually, just about everything we've been through, he said sorry for hurting me so much, he's been so stressed and hasn't been dealing with this well himself, i apologised for my behaviour and dragging this out, said I love him as a person and really hope for the best for him, he said the same, that we will always be important to each other and hope we can be friendly in the future. I wished him well, merry christmas to the family, and said our goodbyes. It felt like closure, finally, and I didn't feel sad, almost relieved, that it is finally over, in a nice, caring way, and we wish each other well. Then Saturday (last night) comes, I go to a local bar with my friend to watch some bands play. There is this GORGEOUS guy looking at me, he comes over and says "Hey, I know you! Its me, Elliot!" He's actually a guy I met years ago through friends, and oh my god has he gotten soooooo hot! I couldn't believe it! We had a great catch up, exchanged numbers, shared a few kisses, and parted ways for the night. He called me today and we went out for a lovely lunch, shared a bottle of wine, sat at the foreshore, chatted about everything, it was so nice. We're going out for dinner during the week, and he's asked me to go away for the weekend with him and his band for a gig their playing down south. I'm so excited! He's 28, has his own house, a lovely family, a good job, bassist in a successful local band, and really sweet. Taking it VERY slow, but I'm excited to see where it might go. Its funny, its like when I finally let go of my ex, and really felt good about it, something better was just waiting around the corner! If I'd met Elliot even a few weeks ago, I wouldn't have gone out with him, I wasn't ready. But once I let go, there he was feeling fantastic!
mightycpa Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 That made me think about that movie when the little alien raises his glowing finger and says Ell-lee-utt!
Amelie1980 Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 (edited) Yeah you let go of your ex and just started being interested in someone else. At no point since the break up have you worked on yourself or worried about yourself. Your major update is all about men again. I dropped one and found another. ..woo hoo I'm happy. what about you? What have you done over the last few months other than obsess to the nth degree over this guy and ruin your new job and health for it? You still need to grab a hold of yourself or the clingy behaviour followed by a mental break down if this one ends will happen again. You may just have transferred the obsessiveness onto someone else. Be careful. Nobody wants to be responsible for someone elses happiness particularly not one they just met in a bar. And you are not taking it VERY slow. You met last night and already kisses, lunch, dinner next week and plans to go away for the weekend ALREADY? God you met last night after years of not being in touch. This isnt taking it slow. Your mind is runnung away with itself already. Edited December 13, 2015 by Amelie1980
Blanco Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 I hope you're as passionate about your son as you are about the latest new hot guy you've got your sights set on. Speaking of your son, please consider his feelings this time around and don't be so quick to bring new hot guy around him like you did with stoner barkeep. 1
Amelie1980 Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 I hope you're as passionate about your son as you are about the latest new hot guy you've got your sights set on. Speaking of your son, please consider his feelings this time around and don't be so quick to bring new hot guy around him like you did with stoner barkeep. Quite. It is school summer holidays in Australia right now and all the OP has set her sights on is trying not to contact a barely adult ex and now arranging new dates and weekends away with a guy she met yesterday. I feel so sorry for this poor kid.
Meli22 Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 People shouldn't be quick to judge the OP's parenting skills. That's a very low blow, and something that shouldn't be brought into the conversation unless it's necessary and relevant. We don't know the OP and we don't know how she is as a mother, she could be absolutely awesome so let's not bring parenting into this eh?! Back to the new hot guy. Whatever works, works. If finding a new hot guy helps take the mind off obsessing over the ex then so be it. Different strokes for different folks. I agree that time to fully heal and mourn the loss of the ex would be more beneficial than to push all negative thoughts aside and cling onto this new fresh meat, but sometimes a distraction can help. Just as long as you don't depend on this new distraction as your sole happiness provider. 1
Amelie1980 Posted December 13, 2015 Posted December 13, 2015 (edited) People shouldn't be quick to judge the OP's parenting skills. That's a very low blow, and something that shouldn't be brought into the conversation unless it's necessary and relevant. We don't know the OP and we don't know how she is as a mother, she could be absolutely awesome so let's not bring parenting into this eh?! Back to the new hot guy. Whatever works, works. If finding a new hot guy helps take the mind off obsessing over the ex then so be it. Different strokes for different folks. I agree that time to fully heal and mourn the loss of the ex would be more beneficial than to push all negative thoughts aside and cling onto this new fresh meat, but sometimes a distraction can help. Just as long as you don't depend on this new distraction as your sole happiness provider. Go back and read her entire posting history. She went out with a 20 year old drug smoking bar tender, who she exposed her son to. When he dumped her, she sank into depression, lost 30lbs in weight, lost her job because of her mental state and made a complete and utter fool of herself chasing after this 20 year old. Harrassing him, his friends, his family, his colleagues, bombarding him with texts and phone calls, sending him books wrapped up in purple paper with photos of them together and a letter after they'd broken up. She went crazy. I am sorry but where was her son when she fell to pieces over this 20 year old ex? She lost her job which she presumably needs to feed and house her child. She couldnt keep it together even for her child's sake. Would you expose a 6 year old child to a heavy drug user and allow him to stay in your home with your child? I wouldn't. But she did. Edited December 13, 2015 by Amelie1980
Author nellbell86 Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 Thanks for sticking up for me Meli. Judging my parenting skills is a very low blow, you have no idea what I'm like or what I've been through. I lost my first son when I was only 19 to cot death, and I struggled for years to get pregnant again, suffered 2 miscarriages one which required hospitalization, to finally get pregnant with my son. He is my world, he goes to a good private school, we read, play, kick the footy every day, he sleeps in my bed many nights, he is and always will be the most important thing to me. I keep a roof over his head, food in his tummy, and a smile on his face every day. I am very lucky that I have shared custody with his dad, whom I have a wonderful friendship with now and who is a fantastic father, so organising this weekend away is purely because this weekend my son is with his dad, so I thought why not go along. Dont you dare judge my parenting. As for me, these past few months have been hellish, but I have worked so much on myself and I am actually really proud of how far I've come, even though you probably will shoot me down again anyway. When we first broke up I HATED being alone, especially when my son wasn't here. I'd get severely depressed and hated my own company, but now I enjoy it. I've come to love myself alot more, accept my flaws and the things I need to work on, and find my happiness in myself and with my friends/family. My connections with my best friends who supported me are alot stronger, and I really know what I want out of life, and out of a relationship if one should come along again. I know that I won't compromise my values, as I did with my ex, just to be with someone, that my morals, my worth, and my dreams of life and a partnership are important. Elliot is a lovely guy and yes I am looking forward to spending more time with him and getting to know him, but that in no way means I'm 'jumping' right to the next guy, or that I am putting my son in any kind of compromising position. They will not be meeting each other for a long time, when/if a relationship is well and truly established and I know Elliot will be a positive influence/addition to our life. Amelie I've read bits of your previous posts, seems your heartache has turned you very bitter. Yeah I've made mistakes but you absolutely slaughter me every time I post something. If you're going to be that overly critical, and especially if you're going to question my parenting, I kindly ask you to leave my thread. 1
Amelie1980 Posted December 14, 2015 Posted December 14, 2015 (edited) Nell No bitterness at all. I would tell my best friend the same as I told you. In fact if you were my best friend I would have flushed your phone down the nearest toilet and banned you from talking about him completely. When you see a woman of your age literally losing her mind over a pot smoking kid....what do you want anyone to say? Do you want me to encourage you and to help get him back? The guy ended it and you think he'd be affected and it would play on his mind, one instance of you walking past him at an ATM? Of course I slaughtered you (as I would have done my best friend) and so did many other people....on your other threads too. You wont listen. What you should be doing is taking a break from guys for a few months, sorting your career out, some new hobbies, new experiences and guys can take a back seat until you are stable by yourself. If this new guy goes on a few dates with you and doesn't pursue things further dont be surprised if you are suddenly under M again and under the new guy too. Edited December 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author nellbell86 Posted December 14, 2015 Author Posted December 14, 2015 I don't know if you read my last post? It's been 5 months, I know that's not LONG and yes in that time had sporadic, mixed up contact with the ex. But in that time I have also been working on myself, written in my journal, spoke to friends/family about what went on, really taken time to analyze what was going on in me to make me act the way I did during the breakup. I've realised I am very condependent, I give all of myself to my partner and don't take time for myself. My happiness has always relied on being with someone, and their love and value of me. In the past I've had mere weeks between relationships, I've only had 3 adult relationships, but in between them never took time to myself to work out my issues, just went to the next and found "happiness" in someone else, rather than in myself. So I have taken alot of time to evaluate what went wrong for me to cause me to have acted the way I did, settle for someone who was like M, and what I need to change to be happy, for ME. Who knows what could happen with Elliot, I'm not really bothered, yes I am enjoying his company, but I no longer feel I need the company of any man to feel happy in myself. I am surviving on my own, I'm independent, keeping myself and my son happy, fed, clothed and safe, and that's the source of my happiness, making life for us. If a man can add to that, I'm not going to say no because external people don't think I'm ready, I know the leaps and bounds I've come in myself, I feel happy and ok, so I'm gonna do what makes me happy
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