32 Years....Looking for or lost Connection

[kgcolonel]

There is a small percentage of middle aged/menopausal women that finally say, " F' it!!!!" and cut lose and turn into Wildcats and tear it up once the kids are gone and their lives are secure and they no longer want to be shackled by societal expectations and the demands of child rearing etc. Those are definately out there.

 

But if someone has been reserved and inhibited and uptight their whole life, it's a good chance it is just part of their being and their persona and the chances of them turning into a party girl or porn star is infantesimaly small.

 

She may be no more able to turn into a carefree party girl than you could turn into a staunchy prude.

 

Oldshirt....you're most likely right here but I want to find the pill to help her to share her mind with me....bring life with her to bed, hot tub sofa or swimming pool to become my wife again and leave the MOM behind, just a little......

[kgcolonel]

My wife loves her home and family and the security and stability she has. Our kids are still young (11 and 13) and I think she would do anything to keep their home intact.

 

I don't know that she actually loves me however. She probably loves me in the brotherly/roommate/coparent sense, but I think her desire for me and especially "butterflies" are gone.

 

We had a very rough patch a few years ago and I got the ILYBNILWY that brought me here to LS and to Married Man Sex Life. MMSL changed me forever. Not sure if for better or worse though. I am no longer on that site since a site that proclaims itself, "dangerously monogamous" isn't a good match for a long time swinger LOL. But it was very eye opening and did help me organize my thoughts and priorities and come up with a plan moving forward.

 

We were also in MC for about a year and that did help.

 

In the end we both compromised and we both capitulated. Neither of us wanted to divorce enough to pull the ejection handle. She wants a home and family so bad, she's willing to put out some duty sex enough to keep me from simply walking away and taking half our house with me.

 

And I keep holding on to this belief that if I can just find the right combination she will love, respect and desire me again.

 

Maybe it's all just middle age. About the time Im ready to throw my arms in the air in defeat, all I do is look at other couples our age that have been married 20+ years and we are actually in pretty damn good shape comparatively.

 

She actually treats me pretty nicely most of the time and I do the best I can for her. She says she loves me and that I am her sole mate and best friend. I can just tell there's no fire and no desire and no passion behind her words.

 

But she puts in some effort and there for so shall I. I'll keep trying untill I see that it's in vain and my efforts are rejected.

 

The strange thing is, she seems like everything is ok. A lot of times it seems like she is perfectly happy to live the status quo while I feel like a plant withering in the hot sun and parched earth. At least when we were having problems and she was pissed at me, I had something to work with.

 

 

This is very scary....very similiar situations....my wife is not in the duty sex as she still enjoys the things i do...fortunately for me but i suppose maybe i have too high expectations....could that be???? Maybe I am looking, hoping wanting a fire and I am mistakenly wrong to want those things from my wife....I do have to say that going to the nudest activities, resorts etc, she has advanced in the last few years I just would love to hear her say: "Let's do something special for you....."

 

We are good friends and the financial impact of a D would be devastating as the retirement etc would be gone / split.....and I really do not want to start over with all that i see here on LS....to many nuances, texting too often, not often enough, who pays etc.....way too complicated for my tastes. I believe in saying what you mean and mean what you say approach.

[Mr. Lucky]

She may be no more able to turn into a carefree party girl than you could turn into a staunchy prude.

 

I'm afraid this is true. While sexually compatible, my wife and I have had this same offset in our activity level for most of our marriage. Once the kids were born, she settled into a sedentary life of cocooning and homemaking. I enjoy biking, tennis, hiking, etc, and she's been so resistant that I've given up trying to include her. When we travel together - which she enjoys - she'd rather shop or visit a gallery than kayak or explore.

 

That Serenity Prayer is there for a reason, especially the "wisdom to know the difference" part. Sometimes, good and bad, people are who they are. A wise man accentuates the positive...

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

How about you two pick each other up at the bar? Pretend you don't know one another. Have dinner, do some role play, make stuff up about your lives, make it as fun and funny as possible. Be romantic though and hold her hand, gaze into her eyes...Mmm maybe tell her NOT to wear underwear under her skirt. Drop your fork on the floor........ After dinner, go make out and fool around in the car, don't go all the way just act like lusty teens! :bunny: Okay I will stop, don't wanna turn your thread into a porn story!

 

Anyway you mentioned she said she wasn't feeling that 'in love' feeling anymore, well like any marriage those goosebumps and heart flutters get less intense as the years go by.... Doesn't mean she doesn't love you she does, you are her life and in her blood. Sexually she has changed and hopefully in time she will get back into it. Take it slow and just tell yourself you have the rest of your life with her and there will always be ebbs and flows in the bedroom.

[whichwayisup]

This is very scary....very similiar situations....my wife is not in the duty sex as she still enjoys the things i do...fortunately for me but i suppose maybe i have too high expectations....could that be???? Maybe I am looking, hoping wanting a fire and I am mistakenly wrong to want those things from my wife....I do have to say that going to the nudest activities, resorts etc, she has advanced in the last few years I just would love to hear her say: "Let's do something special for you....."

 

We are good friends and the financial impact of a D would be devastating as the retirement etc would be gone / split.....and I really do not want to start over with all that i see here on LS....to many nuances, texting too often, not often enough, who pays etc.....way too complicated for my tastes. I believe in saying what you mean and mean what you say approach.

 

So many years together and invested in one another, you don't really want to divorce over sex and it being a bit too vanilla for you. Just don't make sex the most important thing, if she feels pressured by it she's gonna turn off even more. Just continue to do nice gestures and romantic things for her without expectations or strings. See as it makes her happy and hopefully as time goes on she may surprise you and your efforts will pay off.

[kgcolonel]

Whichwayisup, thank you so much for your comment!! This is what makes this site so great.....caring people working to sincerely help others.

 

D is not in the vocabulary for me.....so that's not a concern, neither is stepping out....I / we are as committed to the M as we are to each other. I think right now she is struggling with the depression and OCD which we will be discussing with our Therapist on Friday. Likely i will encourage the consecutive protocol to help diminish this monkey that is on her back.

 

So...it's not simply the sex however that is one big area....I want to know her thoughts, where she wants to go in life etc. One area of challenges stems from her childhood, her father was very abusive both p and e. There was one instance at her grandmothers property where her dad and mother were fighting and her dad told her and her sister to get into the car as he was leaving their mother at the grands place. Her grandmother stepped between them and said, "You're not taking these girls anywhere". This occurred in the pineywoods of E. TX on property we have inherited. She now has an emotional security there as that is where someone stood up for her and made her feel safe. She loves going to this place (I bought her a house on this property and spend many days working on the property to make it a nicer and more fun place for her) and I believe that given the choice, she'd live on this property with or without me......makes me sad but I can see her perspective of safety.

[Lois_Griffin]

T-16....The sex is available but very uninspired....I would describe it as compliant no passion....I ask and ask about her needs. In fact I have on many occasions tried to talk to her about her wants, needs and wishes. She gets quite and it becomes a one-sided conversation with me trying to explain what I am seeking from her in the way of her feelings.

Honestly?

 

It sounds to me as though YOU have a bunch of things you want to try and you're pinning all this crap on her. Why are you continually hounding her about what her secret fantasies are and assuming she's some secret sexual nymph whose just dying to come out and your continued nagging will finally do it?

 

It's like you're beating HER up in the hopes that she'll magically suggest you both try all the stuff that YOU apparently want to try.

[kgcolonel]

Honestly?

 

It sounds to me as though YOU have a bunch of things you want to try and you're pinning all this crap on her. Why are you continually hounding her about what her secret fantasies are and assuming she's some secret sexual nymph whose just dying to come out and your continued nagging will finally do it?

 

It's like you're beating HER up in the hopes that she'll magically suggest you both try all the stuff that YOU apparently want to try.

 

Lois....free country....free speech I guess. Maybe you're right however you're focused on the sex etc....I am looking for insight as to what she is thinking, wanting from me, our marriage etc. (not isolated to sex). I don't know if you've ever been on anti-depressants, (she was for many years) or not but what they do is to numb you. This is the characteristics i am dealing with. Most of the time I ask her what she'd like to do over a weekend or for things as small as for dinner, she responds with "I don't care whatever you want is fine"....A few years ago she did mentioned that going to the International Balloon Fest in New Mexico was at the top of her bucket list....you have to make reservations a year in advance. I made that my mission. We not only went but also went first class. My objective (it sounds like contrary to your opinion) is to enrich our marriage for both of us....not to "beat her up" over my wants.... Additionally I do not feel that there is anything wrong with one spouse wanting something and looking for ways to request, ask for those things, do YOU?

 

At any rate, thank you for your input.

[BetheButterfly]

Whichwayisup, thank you so much for your comment!! This is what makes this site so great.....caring people working to sincerely help others.

 

D is not in the vocabulary for me.....so that's not a concern, neither is stepping out....I / we are as committed to the M as we are to each other. I think right now she is struggling with the depression and OCD which we will be discussing with our Therapist on Friday. Likely i will encourage the consecutive protocol to help diminish this monkey that is on her back.

 

So...it's not simply the sex however that is one big area....I want to know her thoughts, where she wants to go in life etc. One area of challenges stems from her childhood, her father was very abusive both p and e. There was one instance at her grandmothers property where her dad and mother were fighting and her dad told her and her sister to get into the car as he was leaving their mother at the grands place. Her grandmother stepped between them and said, "You're not taking these girls anywhere". This occurred in the pineywoods of E. TX on property we have inherited. She now has an emotional security there as that is where someone stood up for her and made her feel safe. She loves going to this place (I bought her a house on this property and spend many days working on the property to make it a nicer and more fun place for her) and I believe that given the choice, she'd live on this property with or without me......makes me sad but I can see her perspective of safety.

 

It is very sad that she experienced an abusive father. :(

 

I am glad that you are loving and caring towards her. I know it might be hard for you to accept, but because of her past, she may not have any sexual fantasies or desire. That's nothing personal against you. People react different to abuse they suffered in the past.

 

Does she like dancing? You might see about taking her ballroom dancing? I personally think that is very romantic and might trigger something?

[kgcolonel]

Bethebutterfly....that is a great idea.....she actually (being from TX) likes country music and we have in the past discussed taking country dancing, I think that is a new path that maybe i'll surprise her with. She has expressed some interest in this and it would give us an outlet and a new activity we could do together (instead of eating out so much) that would include exercise. I am an athlete by nature and enjoy physical activity and she used to dance back in our highschool days.....

 

Thank you for the constructive suggestions!!

 

Be Blessed!

[oldshirt]

Lois....free country....free speech I guess. Maybe you're right however you're focused on the sex etc....I am looking for insight as to what she is thinking, wanting from me, our marriage etc. (not isolated to sex). I don't know if you've ever been on anti-depressants, (she was for many years) or not but what they do is to numb you. This is the characteristics i am dealing with. Most of the time I ask her what she'd like to do over a weekend or for things as small as for dinner, she responds with "I don't care whatever you want is fine"....A few years ago she did mentioned that going to the International Balloon Fest in New Mexico was at the top of her bucket list....you have to make reservations a year in advance. I made that my mission. We not only went but also went first class. My objective (it sounds like contrary to your opinion) is to enrich our marriage for both of us....not to "beat her up" over my wants.... Additionally I do not feel that there is anything wrong with one spouse wanting something and looking for ways to request, ask for those things, do YOU?

 

At any rate, thank you for your input.

 

 

 

Lois may have been a little blunt, but she does bring up a point worth considering. Some people are simply not as deep-thinking, not as ambitious, not as adventurous, not as passionate, not as physically active etc etc etc etc as other people. You can't judge other people by your own standards.

 

 

Some people can be perfectly happy sitting in a chair doing noth'n for hours. (I'm perfectly happy to stare at a glowing rectangle reading about other people's relationship problems for an hour at a time LOL)

 

 

Some people can sit and talk politics for hours and hours. Others think it's disgusting and don't want to waste a minute of their lives. Some people watch the Kardashians.......I don't know what more I can say about that. Some people have a passion for 18th century literature while others don't even read a newspaper.

 

 

Sometimes we want our spouse to be an opposite gender counter part to ourselves and that just simply isn't realistic with many things.

 

 

your wife may simply not have many passions or many fantasies or many deep feelings on many things. Some people are passionate dreamers that dream of far off lands and places and peoples and dream of taking that epic journey to experience them firsthand. Others really liked that jelly doughnut they picked up at Quick Trip the other day and hope they come across one as good as it was again some day.

 

 

As some of the other posters have said, she may simply not be as deep a thinker as you or as passionate about life as you or as sexually/romantically adventurous as you, and you may be setting yourself up for some added frustration, disappointment and dissatisfaction if you try to make her into a mini-you.

 

 

cont...

[oldshirt]

cont...

 

 

 

 

As I was kind of getting at yesterday, I think you should start pursuing some of your dreams and passions and desires as your own personal quest.

 

 

For some of them, she may follow you. for others she may not.

 

 

I understand your desire of having a partner by your side during those journeys that shares your same passion and desire. But having that partner by your side the whole time and having them share the same motivations and passions the whole time just simply isn't realistic.

 

 

You may want to circumnavigate the Hawaiian big island by sea kayak. But your wife may be perfectly happy to watch the entire series of Lost on Netflix instead.

 

 

You've traveled a great journey together of finishing your educations, building your careers, having a home and raising a family etc for 32 years. You may each have different dreams and passions and goals now.

 

 

You may want to travel to exotic islands and run around naked. She may want to see the grandchildren and change diapers.

 

 

Your post was originally about making a connection. You can have a connection and share your lives together without being the same. You only need to bridge a connection in a number of areas, not all of them.

 

 

I think this is common in long term marriages and with people our age (I am assuming you are somewhere around my age - 51) This is also a common age where a lot of people do divorce and move on. But it's also an age where people pursue their own individual interests and passions, but still find common areas that keep them connected together.

 

 

I think your challenge here is to find common areas and common ground with your wife and make a good connection together on those things. But I fear if you continue to try to get her to feel your same zest and passion for all areas, you are setting yourself up for failure and disappointment and setting her up to be pressured, annoyed and exasperated.

[oldshirt]

the bottom line to my walls of txt, .... some people just aren't into all that much and don't really have many deep thoughts or deep passions or interests.

[kgcolonel]

Oldshirt.....you are a great visionary.....I get your points and they are truly valid....

 

I am sincere in earlier posts that indeed, maybe i am asking or seeking too much.

 

One exception to all the excellent point you make are that i am also looking for her goals, whether they are diapering grands or going to the far ends of netflix, so this i can also work to enhance her experiences.

 

You are right in that to a certain amount, owning and living some our own individualized dreams and goals gives us and makes us more interesting to those around us....something new to bring to the table.

 

I sincerely appreciate your ideas and perspectives and will indeed give this some real thought as I know you are correct in that we are who we are and when one tries to change someone, if frustrates both. I really am not trying to change her (i don't think, only trying to hear and understand her better). But maybe you are seeing something in my post that i am not seeing. This gives me something to comtemplate.....

 

BTW, 56 here....battle scars to prove it as well. The running naked sometimes is really liberated as well.

[S2B]

She's a caretaker for an elderly parent...

 

I'd suggest doing her work for a week and see if there's mental time to create dreams and aspirations.

 

 

She may not even have time/energy to think...much less have ideas about what more she can get out of life.

 

 

Send her on a vacation...that way she will have time to relax and dream.

[Mr. Lucky]

One exception to all the excellent point you make are that i am also looking for her goals, whether they are diapering grands or going to the far ends of netflix, so this i can also work to enhance her experiences.

 

Good advice from oldshirt and others. The only feedback I'd give you is to focus on being a better you - better man, better husband, better lover, better father and better grandfather (me too ).

 

Any attempt to "enhance" her goals and experiences can come across as heavy-handed and intrusive. I've had managerial and administrative positions my entire life and my wife HATES when I turn my executive skills towards her, it builds resentment since she sees it as controlling. As she's told me more than once, she wants love and acceptance rather than direction and mentoring. I'd guess your spouse might be the same...

 

Mr. Lucky

[kgcolonel]

S2B....I read you post three times and I'll read it more as i see a lot of wisedom in packed into a few words. (Literally put myself in her shoes and see where i am) is what is hear.

 

Thanks and I need to do that. I have tried to envision the abuse (I know I can't come close to the actual anguish in what she endured) to better understand the place she is today.

 

I can see that I most likely have a "white knight" defect in my personality as i want to sweep her up and create an exciting, colorful and loving world for her and for us. Oldshirt was right, what she might consider exciting, colorful and loving may be described differently by myself. These are definitely points i needed to hear and to absorb.

 

I guess they are right, IT ISN'T ALL ABOUT ME....

 

I am however very vested and interested in know what she does see as exciting, colorful and loving to match up where i can provide those things.

 

Candidly, when I turned 52, my mortality became apparent to me and my fear became that "I don't want to be in a hospital bed or wheelchair saying I wished I had tried this or that".....maybe to really fair to impose that on my lovely wife.

 

I would love to send her on a vacation of her choice....BTW

Edited December 2, 2015 by kgcolonel

[S2B]

Hire in care for her Mother half the time it takes away from your wife.

 

It's beyond exhausting providing that level of care.

 

Then she may have time to connect with you and also be a Mom herself.

 

 

She needs a break long term - this may help her trust issues too - that she trusts you to look after her best interest.

 

 

Then give it time. After her mind unwinds she may be capable of creating more space for her own interests and pleasures.

 

Then and only then will she know what she wants and be capable of telling you.