sandylee1 Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 . However to hear that you are crying in bed all day and that your life is ruined because of it - PLEASE!!! That does sound rather dramatic, but people who have been cheated on can be ever so sensitive and touchy about things. Maybe she saw a future with you, but she feels unsure because she's unable to trust you now. Sorry... I didn't mean it quite literally about lies rolling off your tongue. I should have phrased it better. Apologies. 3
xxoo Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 Out of fear and exhaustion I just wanted to be home and have a night to relax. Fear. Why are you focusing on the lie and her reaction instead of the reality that you fear her response when you're honest? The title is misleading. The lie didn't ruin this relationship. 7
PrettyEmily77 Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 When you have to resort to lying to avoid a potential conflict, something is way off, and it would be incredibly unfair to lay all the responsibility of the failure of the relationship on her emotional issues. It may very well simply be that neither of you are what each other needs at this point in time. You can either overcome it with time if you are both equally committed and you both want it to work, or you cut your losses for both your sakes. 4
jen1447 Posted November 29, 2015 Posted November 29, 2015 Otter, this is already known to be a relationship that can't end (based on your history), so I really wouldn't sweat her leaving you. Just take your lumps and she'll have you back in line in a bit. (If that's really what you're worried about.) (btw concurrent same topic threads drive me crazy fwiw. ) 1
Author Otter2569 Posted December 3, 2015 Author Posted December 3, 2015 Thanks for the input. I look forward to comments & feedback to help put things in perspective. No problem Sandylee - apology accepted. Sorry about the dual post - I tried to edit / change the title of this thread which was not really inline with the issue but was unable to. 1
gaius Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Despite all the stuff that came before, you did lie to her not once but twice. And about why you chose not to be around her, which isn't really an innocuous one either. Most women take that stuff very personally. Even those that haven't been cheated on. Why don't you just bring her some flowers, you don't have to apologize but tell her what you feel for her and that you'd never cheat on her. If that's actually the truth. Be the man and set the tone. Part of the reason you might be having so many problems is you haven't made her feel safe yet. =/ 3
RedRobin Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Here's the thing... I've always wondered why anyone stays in a relationship that continually brings out the worst in them. If you are at the point where you feel you need to lie to get any peace, then I am surprised you weren't the one to break it off. I think back to my now ex H and his affair. How much I wanted to cheat right back on him. That's when I knew it was over for good and always would be. Nail meet coffin. If you feel this is genuinely out of character for you, then it really is time to say goodbye before it becomes a habit. 4
loveflower Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Here's the thing... I've always wondered why anyone stays in a relationship that continually brings out the worst in them. If you are at the point where you feel you need to lie to get any peace, then I am surprised you weren't the one to break it off. I think back to my now ex H and his affair. How much I wanted to cheat right back on him. That's when I knew it was over for good and always would be. Nail meet coffin. If you feel this is genuinely out of character for you, then it really is time to say goodbye before it becomes a habit. That is a very good point. Idealistically, we want to be with someone who makes us want to be a better person.....but, it's very hard to find such person though, isn't it? at least with someone that can let us stay the same. we shouldn't be with someone who brings out the worse or worst in us.
jen1447 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Easier said than done in Otter's case. He's already been down the "it's over!" road and it doesn't stick. Some couples are just cataclysms of compatibility.
Raena Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that it probably isn't just the lie you told her but the fact that you two have been on again off again that makes it worse. Is she aware about your threesome just a couple months ago? I know all this just from looking at your threads, but is SHE aware that you did that? Or that you were doing OLD just a short time ago? To me it seems that you two keep reeling each other in and then pushing each other away. That doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to begin with. Add on top of that the fact that you couldn't just tell her you needed a night alone tells me that you two are just not compatible. To me a lie is a lie is a lie. It doesn't matter how small you think it is, it's huge to her. How does she know you weren't off sleeping with your friend and his gf again? How does she know she can trust you at all? You either need to **** or get off the pot man. Be with her 100% and be 100% honest or take a hike. What you two are doing with each other right now is just not healthy at all. Given all this extra information, it makes sense that she was lying in bed crying all day and being overly dramatic about it. Your relationship is tumultuous and like someone else said... whenever one person is bringing out the crazy, the other person is usually being deceitful or untrustworthy and causing the crazy to happen. I can almost bet she isn't crying about just this one incident. 1
Samhain Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 Perfect example of one of those crazy "symbiotic relationships" everyone knows is nuts, but it's just how it "works".
Author Otter2569 Posted December 3, 2015 Author Posted December 3, 2015 A few things I recently learned: Always tell the truth regardless (duh). If she cant handle the truth then she has issues that need to be addressed. I don't have to defend or over explain myself or my decisions to her or anyone. The fact that she has trust issues is something that she has to work on. I can help her with that by being trustworthy. Strong couples support and uplift each other - even in tough times. I drive Jen crazy 1
jen1447 Posted December 3, 2015 Posted December 3, 2015 I drive Jen crazy Well she does have epic boobs right? That probably tips the pro-con scales to about 70/30.
Author Otter2569 Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 Epic boobs (34DD) and hot sex are always blinders in the beginning.
RedRobin Posted December 4, 2015 Posted December 4, 2015 Lol. Proof that having big boobs doesn't result in better relationships
Author Otter2569 Posted December 4, 2015 Author Posted December 4, 2015 (edited) Big boobs makes everything better...but that's a topic for another day (.)(.) Honestly (says Mr Liar) I have given 100% since we got back together a few weeks ago. What I did or didnt do when we were broken up is nobodys business but my own. I was wrong not to tell the truth over such a small issue and as folks here have pointed out, there is more to this than a simple digression. The arguments that have happened since are reminders of why we broke up to begin with. When we are good it is amazing. When its bad its terrible. I have learned that people with BPD have no middle ground and so I am experiencing. I would just like to start rebuilding and get back to good versus languishing in the negativity. Happy Friday! Edited December 4, 2015 by Otter2569
whichwayisup Posted December 5, 2015 Posted December 5, 2015 She had been cheated on by her ex husband and was in an abusive relationship previously. That being said her emotions, at times, rule the moment. We had had (she started) a fight that night because I was snoring and apparently I was insensitive when she woke me up and began complaining at 3am. She is an emotional roller coaster at times. Other times she is the best woman ever. Out of fear and exhaustion I just wanted to be home and have a night to relax. Today I get a load of stuff about not being able to be trusted, shes devastated, depressed, I've ruined the holidays, santa is not coming to my house etc. I believe I handled myself well: sticking to the situation, acknowledged her feelings and apologized without groveling. Frankly is this relationship goes in the ****ter over this that's fine too. It's obvious she has a lot of emotional baggage.. None of her reactions are warranted to the actual crime (the snoring thing, my god it was 3am!). She's been through some awful things in life and that's sad, but that doesn't give her the right to freak out like that. And (it seems) she isn't doing much to work on herself and to stop being the martyr and victim. She embraces it and uses as an excuse to push (you) people away at the first opportunity so she won't get hurt. I could be totally off base here, but those are my thoughts on this. Ask yourself if she's worth it and also is she 'step mom' material? Is she stable enough to be around your kids, be a role model to them, love them and treat them like her own? 1
RedRobin Posted December 6, 2015 Posted December 6, 2015 Big boobs makes everything better...but that's a topic for another day (.)(.) Honestly (says Mr Liar) I have given 100% since we got back together a few weeks ago. What I did or didnt do when we were broken up is nobodys business but my own. I was wrong not to tell the truth over such a small issue and as folks here have pointed out, there is more to this than a simple digression. The arguments that have happened since are reminders of why we broke up to begin with. When we are good it is amazing. When its bad its terrible. I have learned that people with BPD have no middle ground and so I am experiencing. I would just like to start rebuilding and get back to good versus languishing in the negativity. Happy Friday! LOL, back... I mean, her having big boobs doesn't make things better for HER. It hasn't gotten her a guy who is honest and upfront with her. I'm sure it has gotten her lots of negative attention from men who don't really give a crap about her. I'm not convinced you really care about her at all. This is all about you. *shrug* That's what I'm talking about. In fact, maybe it's gotten her a guy who sticks around kinda half-assedly, makes up stories, doesn't rock the boat, just so he can keep tappin' dat. Sound familiar? I have a similar problem... I have an epic *ss... That butt men are drawn to like flies. Oy, the struggles I have had (palm to forehead).
Author Otter2569 Posted December 8, 2015 Author Posted December 8, 2015 Red, I have no problem gettin any ass. Never have. Probably never will. This forum is to express my ideas, concerns, questions, etc so it may sound one sided. I'd invite you to experience one on my BPD bitch sessions and see how well you do. I suck up a lot trying to navigate the moods and avoid conflict escalation.
RedRobin Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Red, I have no problem gettin any ass. Never have. Probably never will. This forum is to express my ideas, concerns, questions, etc so it may sound one sided. I'd invite you to experience one on my BPD bitch sessions and see how well you do. I suck up a lot trying to navigate the moods and avoid conflict escalation. Hmmm... Well, me personally, I don't make projects out of people... And wouldn't date a mentally unhealthy person because that's what it would end up. If she truly has BPD, she needs to get that managed before getting into a relationship. It's not your job to fix. I dated a very nice, attractive man years ago who struggled a great deal with depression. It didn't help that he refused to eat healthy and didn't want to be on medication. So we broke up. We stayed friends. He really needed a friend, but in his state, that was all I was willing to be. He finally turned himself around after many years and is in a stable relationship now. Good for him. You are getting something out of this that isn't entirely altruistic, or you wouldn't keep doing it.
Robert Z Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Red, I have no problem gettin any ass. Never have. Probably never will. This forum is to express my ideas, concerns, questions, etc so it may sound one sided. I'd invite you to experience one on my BPD bitch sessions and see how well you do. I suck up a lot trying to navigate the moods and avoid conflict escalation. Man, I read your posts and think, NEVER again. I hope it works out.
Author Otter2569 Posted December 10, 2015 Author Posted December 10, 2015 Robert, I hear you brother. Life on the edge gets old quick. The BS is just amazing. Yes I lied to go home and relax before having my boys over. She acts like I murdered some one. Serenity now!!!!
PinkInTheLimo Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 There were a lot of lies in my last relationship and I have sworn to myself that I will not accept lies in my next relationship. It destroys everything. It is such a betrayal even if you think it does not matter. It does because your girlfriend had this idea that you were doing one thing and the next moment she finds out that you are doing something else (even if what you were doing - spending a night alone without your kids - is not wrong in itself). My experience from my last relationship is that you ignore one lie thinking it does not really matter but they keep coming. Found out that lying was a real habit for the guy. About big things and about small things. About silly things which really did not matter but when every time I found out (and I smelled the lies) I felt totally wrongfooted. It created so much inner turmoil for me that I had no other choice than to stop the relationship. When it was over I felt that the lies had really affected my serenity.
Author Otter2569 Posted December 11, 2015 Author Posted December 11, 2015 Pink, that is the feedback I am getting from my GF. I am not a lier by nature - I made a mistake. She says she feels betrayed...
PinkInTheLimo Posted December 11, 2015 Posted December 11, 2015 You two are a match made in hell. You: guy who has been sexually frustrated in the past and is now acting out sexually. Every sane woman would tell you to do what you have to do... with other women. She: masochistic psycho who is so wounded from past experiences that she has no boundaries left and consequently joins you in your trip. Up to a certain level. She might have wonderful qualities but she has no control over yourself. This is going to end in big drama so the wise thing to do is to simply stop it. Tell each other it has been OK for as long as it lasted but that the combination of the two of you does not work for a healthy long term relationship. I read that you both have kids. They should be your first priority not some crazy sexual trip. If she would have healthy boundaries the lie should already be enough to stop it. You say that you are not a liar by nature but let's get real, which liar by nature is actually going to admit it, let alone realise that he needs to lie. There is nothing wrong with sex and it is an important part of a relationship. But yours seems to have an obsessive quality about it. It will never be enough, you will always have to cross one more boundary. That means that there is some underlying problem which no relationship will solve, not for you and not for her. 1
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