Why pulling away is NOT always because they're not into you or have lost interest

[Xiomn]

Ok, maybe I'm more perceptive than you are, but isn't it obvious by now to NOT listen to what a woman says, but instead take clues from what she does?

 

Words are a very lose interpretation of what someone truly wants to communicate. I think 70% of communication happens through body language anyway, and not words. So if you're relying on messages through texts... it means very very little.

 

Also keep in mind, not everyone has the personality to be blunt and honest (most people probably won't be). Even if she disliked you, she will find it really hard to reject you.

 

Silence/lack of action is just as important to notice as signs of interest (initiating contact, actively wanting to get to know you etc), and is often the best measure of interest. So hopefully you have figured that out by now and not invest too much until the girl can prove time and time again she is interested through her actions.

 

That's why I confronted her about her actions demonstrating lack of interest, as i stated.

[Xiomn]

I know this one.... It is definitely a MR wonderful syndrome.

 

MR wonderful is a very busy man, he ignores single women forever until they find a great guy,,,, 'then' he shows up,,, it is a fact.... the smell of a new relationship draws him in!!

 

So MR wonderful turns up and swept her off her feet, but she does not trust this new thing will work just yet, so she is holding on to you.

 

Although I haven't asked her directly, and I'm no longer in communication with her so I wont. But I doubt she was dating anyone else because on our first date she said it was the first date she has ever been on and she's never had a relationship before so. I could be wrong but again I doubt some other guy came along in this instance. I think I scared her away to be honest.

 

I did leave an important part out, after the 1 month mark she randomly told a story of these 2 people she knows who always hold hands and have been doing relationship stuff for a long time but at the same time are in denial that they're in a relationship. I replied to this thinking it was the perfect moment to bring up the question of "us" and asked her whether she thought we were boyfriend/girlfriend or whether she thinks it's too soon for that. She said "I was thinking that" (seemingly going along with what I said in that It was too fast) Regrettably my poor choice of words essentially led her into that answer which I wasn't looking for.

 

That was the last day I saw her. I scared her off for sure by bringing up the topic of "us". Next time I'm just going to let the woman bring it up.

Edited November 26, 2015 by Xiomn

[DoesntGetIt]

Last paragraph, yeah that issue has been discussed ad nauseum on this forum. Check out the many many threads discussing it .....interesting perspectives from both sides!

 

But back to your post. Sorry yeah I missed where you already communicated what you need.

 

Frankly, given her response, and her non-actions .....she sounds like an entitled brat ..and instead of pulling back, my advice would be to just dump her.

 

IMO, after the first couple of dates, and you've started dating, and/or in a relationship, the initiating should be 50/50. In different ways ways perhaps, but it's an equal give and take.

 

If you're not getting that, just move on.

 

I hate games in an attempt to obtain a desired result, they're manipulative and dishonest.

 

If you are not getting what you want or need, then end it and find someone else who IS able to give you what you need. And of course vice versa.

 

Sorry this one doesn't seem to be working out. Next.

 

Good luck!

 

Worst part is I know this, and realized this a while ago, but for some reason this woman has a hold on me and has as long as I've known her. I don't know what it is, but I find it really hard to just walk away. Sucks really, never had this problem before.

 

The girl I was dating was exactly like this, I would initiate everything: hugs, kisses, sex, texts, dates, and she would go along with it perfectly well but she never initiated anything herself. Turns out she wasn't that interested in me.

 

yeah... probably the same here

[salparadise]

But I also think there is a huge flaw in a lot of women's thinking. That the guy has to pursue and initiate everything and if they go along with it, then that is all they need to do. Wrong, guy's want to feel wanted too.

 

Absolutely true. If I don't feel it coming back I won't pursue for long. Passive is boring. I want interaction... a meet you half way kind of woman.

[katiegrl]

Worst part is I know this, and realized this a while ago, but for some reason this woman has a hold on me and has as long as I've known her. I don't know what it is, but I find it really hard to just walk away. Sucks really, never had this problem before.

 

 

 

Mind over matter! Yeah I know it's tough.... but try not to allow your emotions to over-ride your brain.

 

Try to look at it and deal with it intellectually instead of emotionally.

 

Right brain vs. left brain.

 

I have always been lucky in that I am both a right AND left brainer. So even though I get very involved emotionally .... once I realize something or someone is bad for me .....my intellectual side takes over and I can walk away...fairly easily in fact!

 

I am still hurt, may still love him, but I can still walk.

 

Mind over matter.....try it!

 

Good luck!

[Xiomn]

Mind over matter! Yeah I know it's tough.... but try not to allow your emotions to over-ride your brain.

 

Try to look at it and deal with it intellectually instead of emotionally.

 

Right brain vs. left brain.

 

I have always been lucky in that I am both a right AND left brainer. So even though I get very involved emotionally .... once I realize something or someone is bad for me .....my intellectual side takes over and I can walk away...fairly easily in fact!

 

I am still hurt, may still love him, but I can still walk.

 

Mind over matter.....try it!

 

Good luck!

 

Hardest thing is probably walking away from someone you wish it had worked out with. If you've done it once though you should know deep down you can do it again. feelsbadman

[katiegrl]

Worst part is I know this, and realized this a while ago, but for some reason this woman has a hold on me and has as long as I've known her. I don't know what it is, but I find it really hard to just walk away. Sucks really, never had this problem before.

 

 

DGI ...not sure if this makes sense, but do you think it's possible the reason she has such a *hold* on you is precisely *because* she's holding back ....leaving you wondering about her, extending yourself .... and doing the *work* necessary to spend time with her ...and wanting to move closer to her?

 

My dad explained to me once that when a man *gives* ...it allows him to realize how much he cares for a woman. That *giving* to and *providing for* a woman draws a man closer. Albeit subconsciously.

 

That working hard for something (or someone) causes men to appreciate it (and her) more. Giving it more value than if he didn't work hard for it. My fiance has also said this to me.

 

On the other hand, when the woman is doing all or most of the work/giving ...he sort of remains *stuck* and confused as to how he feels!

 

Reading your posts, I am beginning to wonder if there might be some truth to that. For some men (like yourself) ....not ALL MEN.

 

I know in my own relationship, whenever my fiance does something nice for me, extends himself and *gives*, my positive response makes him feel like a million bucks! Seems to draw him closer each time.

 

When I do the giving, while he appreciates it, he doesn't seem nearly as excited as when HE does!

 

Men often complain that in their relationships, they're doing most of the work/initiating .... while at the same time it's obvious how totally into these women they are! Just as you are! Saying she has this *hold* on you.

 

While the women who DO do most of the giving complain that their boyfriends DON'T seem all that interested ... and in fact, in many cases, are pulling away!

 

I dunno, something to think about. :)

Edited November 27, 2015 by katiegrl

[DoesntGetIt]

DGI ...not sure if this makes sense, but do you think it's possible the reason she has such a *hold* on you is precisely *because* she's holding back ....leaving you wondering about her, extending yourself .... and doing the *work* necessary to spend time with her ...and wanting to move closer to her?

 

My dad explained to me once that when a man *gives* ...it allows him to realize how much he cares for a woman. That *giving* to and *providing for* a woman draws a man closer. Albeit subconsciously.

 

That working hard for something (or someone) causes men to appreciate it (and her) more. Giving it more value than if he didn't work hard for it. My fiance has also said this to me.

 

On the other hand, when the woman is doing all or most of the work/giving ...he sort of remains *stuck* and confused as to how he feels!

 

Reading your posts, I am beginning to wonder if there might be some truth to that. For some men (like yourself) ....not ALL MEN.

 

I know in my own relationship, whenever my fiance does something nice for me, extends himself and *gives*, my positive response makes him feel like a million bucks! Seems to draw him closer each time.

 

When I do the giving, while he appreciates it, he doesn't seem nearly as excited as when HE does!

 

Men often complain that in their relationships, they're doing most of the work/initiating .... while at the same time it's obvious how totally into these women they are! Just as you are! Saying she has this *hold* on you.

 

While the women who DO do most of the giving complain that their boyfriends DON'T seem all that interested ... and in fact, in many cases, are pulling away!

 

I dunno, something to think about. :)

 

It certainly isn't 100% incorrect. Doing good things for someone you care about feels great. And yes, I've been with women who throw themselves at me, and it does lessen it a bit. However, it doesn't change how I feel. If I care about someone and they show me they care as well, then I'm as happy as can be.

 

 

This isn't working hard for it at this point, it is just her refusing to give me any sign of emotion or caring. It is odd, because when I complained about us not going out and doing stuff, she made a point of us going and doing stuff the next day, and the following weekend. So she'll respond to things like that. But I talk calmly with her several different times about how I want her to initiate a bit and she just won't.

 

Sometimes she'll make plans and not tell me, but if I make plans and don't tell her, she gets mad. She'll sometimes ignore me a bit if we go out with multiple people, but if I do anything similar she gets pissed. She wants it all, but doesn't want to give any.

 

That's why I feel my only option is to pull back for a bit. From the time I've known her, I've always gotten the most out of her when I didn't give her the attention she wanted (even more so if my attention was at other women). If she starts to care again as I pull back, I can search for a happy middle.

 

I'm just not ready to flat out end it yet.

[Saracena]

Actually that little *game* is nothing new, men have been intentionally pulling back as a way to get the girl to chase them for YEARS!

 

But let's get real here. He pursued you UNTIL you responded, spent the night and became physical...

 

So why would he pull back then, you were responding!!

 

He'd have a case for pulling back if you kept rejecting him, but that's not what happened here.

 

You responded and spent the night! Indicating you were into him! But he pulled back because he *didn't* think you were into him? Sweetie, that makes zero sense.

 

IMO the guy is full oif crap.

 

But in any event, as I said what you posted is nothing new....it's a strategy some men use to get the girl to chase....

 

Sadly it works in many cases....

 

 

Ah yes, but there's responding and responding but don't forget on this occasion there was a LOT of alcohol involved (we were both fairly drunk) and his fear was, given my earlier rejections, this 'response' was in the main alcohol induced. I have to admit he was right in that it was what pushed me over the edge, so to speak. In addition, he was aware from our previous conversations my ex (in the year above me whom he knew) was still very much in the picture. He was also about 10 years older than me.

 

 

Some of the information I elicited on that day but (we did go out casually a few times after that) the rest later like when he said he felt he was 'out of my league'? in any event. I haven't got the slightest doubt at all this guy was very interested ( I haven't listed every sign here but suffice it to say it was very obvious to everyone on the ward!) but was adopting a very clinical viewpoint (you mention left and right side of brain earlier-a vital ability in our jobs!) where I was concerned. While he hoped things would be different-so some positive indicators from me would have helped- I think he knew deep down it was best not to pursue things, all things considered.

 

 

While I often suspected (it made sense to me in the specific circumstances) both genders use this as a strategy, I had no idea it was a 'recognized' one. My current boyfriend (we're back together mainly due to a friend who acted as an intermediary-otherwise we'd both still be dancing around each other) pulled a similar stunt like this, and I have to say (until I reached out here) I was completely thrown by it, at first.

[mystikmind2005]

Although I haven't asked her directly, and I'm no longer in communication with her so I wont. But I doubt she was dating anyone else because on our first date she said it was the first date she has ever been on and she's never had a relationship before so. I could be wrong but again I doubt some other guy came along in this instance. I think I scared her away to be honest.

 

I did leave an important part out, after the 1 month mark she randomly told a story of these 2 people she knows who always hold hands and have been doing relationship stuff for a long time but at the same time are in denial that they're in a relationship. I replied to this thinking it was the perfect moment to bring up the question of "us" and asked her whether she thought we were boyfriend/girlfriend or whether she thinks it's too soon for that. She said "I was thinking that" (seemingly going along with what I said in that It was too fast) Regrettably my poor choice of words essentially led her into that answer which I wasn't looking for.

 

That was the last day I saw her. I scared her off for sure by bringing up the topic of "us". Next time I'm just going to let the woman bring it up.

 

ahhh.... a woman who is into you is not going to run because of that?? No way,,, and if she did, well, she is fickle in the extreme and no guy in their right mind wants that,,, bullet dodged!

[candie13]

honestly... here's what I think... f*ck this "I'm busy" "I'm tired", etc.

 

simple easy questions:

 

1. do you have that magic link, those great amazing moments - both partners, not just you? What does your heart say, does he really like you?

 

2. does he talk? Is he open with you / tells you about his doubts? Is he reliable and available for you? Does he give you time? Yes or No, easy answers.

 

I think we all f*ck up so many RS and lie to ourselves because we avoid answering these very very simple questions. Authentic feeling, connection and communication, reliability and time. Easy.

 

Whenever there's a not to any of the above, the RS will fail. It really is very simple. And no, except for answering truthfully to those questions, there isn't anything else much one can do... The other person's response and choices are out of our hands.

[Popsicle]

It doesn't matter what the reason for pulling away is, it's the fact that it makes one feel undesired and actions speak louder than words. Everyone wants to feel desired.

[lino]

Just sounds like a whole lot of game playing to me. Very typical of today.

 

Both parties not wanting to reveal too much interest intentionally simply because they don't want to appear too eager.

Big reason why dating is the mess that it is today.

[Xiomn]

I have a massive urge to message the girl who kept getting my hopes up for weeks. I just want to message her telling her something like this:

 

"Let's be honest here, you're not busy, you're an unemployed student whom only has lectures twice a week from what you have told me, it's not like you're a single mum with a full time job or anything like that. The reality is, if someone is interested they'll make time to see the person regardless of how difficult the circumstances may be. And let's be honest, it's BS to think that you've had no time whatsoever over the course of an entire month to meet up.

 

I find it disrespectful that despite me confronting you about this and clearly telling you that i would very much prefer it if someone were to tell me they're not interested than give false hope when in reality they're not interested you continue to do just that, give the impression you're interested when in reality you're not. "i'd still like for us to hang out, just so you know I do like you"

 

You continue to send hints in the hopes I'll finally realize that you're no longer interested such as 'busy, maybe next week' continuously, and hope that I'll finally back off from you, and I got your hints quite clearly.

 

However, In truth all I wanted was some human decency and respect for you to tell me the truth which I expected from someone having invested my time in them for over a month. Maybe I scared you off by bringing up the topic of "us", after all that was the last time I saw you in person after bringing that up, when in reality all I wanted was to communicate both of our expectations like a mature person. If all you wanted was a more casual relationship or to slow down a bit then I would have been happy with that, you didn't have to run away immaturely.

 

I feel like this would help me get closure within myself by getting everything off my chest to move on.

Edited November 27, 2015 by Xiomn

[salparadise]

I feel like this would help me get closure within myself by getting everything off my chest to move on.

 

Don't. As soon as you click send you'll regret it. What you're forgetting is that this chick doesn't give a sh*t how you feel. She likes attention and likes having you all tied up in knots, but she really doesn't give a sh*t about YOU. The best thing you can do is to NOT give her any attention or tell her that you're all tied up in knots.

 

Go out and find another hottie and have some fun.

[truth_seeker]

Don't. As soon as you click send you'll regret it. What you're forgetting is that this chick doesn't give a sh*t how you feel. She likes attention and likes having you all tied up in knots, but she really doesn't give a sh*t about YOU. The best thing you can do is to NOT give her any attention or tell her that you're all tied up in knots.

 

Go out and find another hottie and have some fun.

 

You're absolutely right. You have to have thick skin, brush her off and move on to the next one.

 

Just remember: karma will find her. No need to lash out at her.

[Lois_Griffin]

He admitted he'd been 'nuts' about me for ages but didn't think the feelings had been reciprocated, given someone 'as hot' as me could have anyone! ( I have to say though I always knew he was a genuine guy so had good reason to believe what he said) True to his word he asked me out the following night for a drink after work. (As it happened my ex and I decided to give things another go so I didn't pursue a relationship with him but I certainly could have). I know that had he not been working at the same hospital I would never have called him and thus in all probability would never have known the extent of his true feelings for me, believing instead he wasn't interested beyond a one-nighter and the thrill of the chase!

This kind of sounds like a bunch of player talk, actually.

 

If someone is truly 'nuts' about someone, they don't do a complete ghosting on you - especially after you'd had such a fun evening together and shared a little intimacy. He would have tried to reach out to you at least ONCE to see if you'd reply, not just do a total fade. His excuse about you being 'too hot for him' is a bit ridiculous considering you'd both spent a great night together and had an obvious attraction for each other, so he apparently knew you were interested. Sorry, I don't believe his story..