Why pulling away is NOT always because they're not into you or have lost interest

[Saracena]

Reading some threads and the more usual (often very definitive) responses has prompted me to post the following all from my own personal experience. I do acknowledge I had the advantage of living/socialising/dating in a close community which increased the chances of establishing the truth, even if in some cases some time had elapsed after the event. I guess the message I'm trying to convey is that it's always best to keep an open mind before judging situations.

 

Eg One A few years ago as a student, part of my university course involved work placements at local teaching hospitals. During one of these I became fairly friendly with one of the (very attractive) junior doctors. I knew early on he had a romantic interest, having asked me out on (more than) a few occasions, but even though I quite liked him, having just come out of a relationship, I didn't wish to pursue anything at that time. However, we spent the evening together at the Christmas party (had a great night with lots of alcohol!) which culminated in us going back to his place where, although we didn't have sex, things escalated to a point way beyond what I'd normally permit at this early stage! Next morning we both travelled to work in his car, but by now I'd been moved to a different ward.

 

 

During the following week I heard nothing at all from him and being young, thought the worst! After his avid pursuit, he'd lost interest and I felt a bit hurt, given how things had gone physically. Being young it played on my mind a bit. A few nights later, I had to alert the on-call doctor about a patient and was more than surprised when he turned up!! I hadn't intended saying anything to him but later when he came into the prep room later for some reason, quite unlike my normal, reserved self, I ended up blurting everything out to him, citing how awful he'd made me feel, given the fact he'd ignored me completely since the party. I can honestly say he was quite shocked at my outburst and genuinely concerned he'd upset me. He told me that since he'd always been the one pursuing me he didn't want to make a 'complete fool' out of himself either and was backing off to see what I'd do as a measure of guaging my interest. He admitted he'd been 'nuts' about me for ages but didn't think the feelings had been reciprocated, given someone 'as hot' as me could have anyone! ( I have to say though I always knew he was a genuine guy so had good reason to believe what he said) True to his word he asked me out the following night for a drink after work. (As it happened my ex and I decided to give things another go so I didn't pursue a relationship with him but I certainly could have). I know that had he not been working at the same hospital I would never have called him and thus in all probability would never have known the extent of his true feelings for me, believing instead he wasn't interested beyond a one-nighter and the thrill of the chase!

 

There are other similar instances I could write about as well where things were not always as they *appeared* at first which were revealed through good (and honest) communication between the parties involved, which I acknowledge isn't always easy where emotions and pride are at work!

[mystikmind2005]

There are truths and then there are truths!

 

What i mean is, it's like the old 'I'm busy'..... yes, it is probably true they were busy, so technically its a 'truth'.

 

However, it is really quite amazing how quickly the 'I'm busy' will suddenly disappear for a person who really, really does it for them... this is the ultimate truth,, this is the truth most people are talking about on this forum.

 

So in the case of your doctor friend for example,, yes the reasons given are truth.... but i bet my bottom dollar if he was really, 'really' into you, things would have been different, that is the bigger truth.

[Riptide91]

There are truths and then there are truths!

 

What i mean is, it's like the old 'I'm busy'..... yes, it is probably true they were busy, so technically its a 'truth'.

 

However, it is really quite amazing how quickly the 'I'm busy' will suddenly disappear for a person who really, really does it for them... this is the ultimate truth,, this is the truth most people are talking about on this forum.

 

So in the case of your doctor friend for example,, yes the reasons given are truth.... but i bet my bottom dollar if he was really, 'really' into you, things would have been different, that is the bigger truth.

 

Exactly. You'll be busy your entire life, the ones you make time for are the ones who really matter to you. I don't know about yourself but I'd prefer to be a priority over an option.

[katiegrl]

Actually that little *game* is nothing new, men have been intentionally pulling back as a way to get the girl to chase them for YEARS!

 

But let's get real here. He pursued you UNTIL you responded, spent the night and became physical...

 

So why would he pull back then, you were responding!!

 

He'd have a case for pulling back if you kept rejecting him, but that's not what happened here.

 

You responded and spent the night! Indicating you were into him! But he pulled back because he *didn't* think you were into him? Sweetie, that makes zero sense.

 

IMO the guy is full oif crap.

 

But in any event, as I said what you posted is nothing new....it's a strategy some men use to get the girl to chase....

 

Sadly it works in many cases....

[Myragal]

There are truths and then there are truths!

 

What i mean is, it's like the old 'I'm busy'..... yes, it is probably true they were busy, so technically its a 'truth'.

 

However, it is really quite amazing how quickly the 'I'm busy' will suddenly disappear for a person who really, really does it for them... this is the ultimate truth,, this is the truth most people are talking about on this forum.

 

So in the case of your doctor friend for example,, yes the reasons given are truth.... but i bet my bottom dollar if he was really, 'really' into you, things would have been different, that is the bigger truth.

 

So true. I filled in for week in a nursing position in another city. My boyfriend drove 2 hours after his work so We could spend my 45 minute break together...then he drove home.

 

If a man is really taken by a woman he will climb a mountain and slay a dragon.

[SmartDude]

So true. I filled in for week in a nursing position in another city. My boyfriend drove 2 hours after his work so We could spend my 45 minute break together...then he drove home.

 

If a man is really taken by a woman he will climb a mountain and slay a dragon.

 

I think the reason women get hurt so much is because of believing in crap like this. NO! A man will not always make his intentions known. Even if it is killing him inside and he cries in bed at night thinking about it. Life is complex and there are lots of pretty girls out there. If a guy has been burned, he does not want to do that again.

 

And not everyone can just stop their entire life for a romantic relationship...

[Buddhist]

And that is exactly why I do not advocate playing stupid, beat around the bush dating games. If you like someone let them know about it.

[mystikmind2005]

I think the reason women get hurt so much is because of believing in crap like this. NO! A man will not always make his intentions known. Even if it is killing him inside and he cries in bed at night thinking about it. Life is complex and there are lots of pretty girls out there. If a guy has been burned, he does not want to do that again.

 

And not everyone can just stop their entire life for a romantic relationship...

 

Well it all about motivation isn't it? You can be motivated to move mountains for a beautiful woman but also you can be de-motivated by past experiences... but even past experiences can become just another moved mountain for the right woman!

[Zippy2000]

Oh! Come on thats only one example. lol Its certainly ONE exception and not the rule.

 

Most of time and i say most of the time. People do lose interest. People give up too easily. They think relationships just come to them and everything is rosey. The fact is like everything else, that new car you want, that new job or new house. YOU HAVE TO WORK FOR!

 

If you read through the threads. There are some people on here who say they dont chase. Well good luck with that!

 

Your post is siding to the fact the man didnt pursuse you. If he had pursued you then think about the possibilities.

 

Just think about that for a second.

[Wewon]

The problem with the whole chase-pursue paradigm is that the person being chased is only concerned with evaluating the pursuer and the feeling of being desirable. I very rarely hear people concerned with what drives a person to go from pursuing to walking away. There seems to be little regard for what information that pursuer is processing and what messages that may be sending, or what the pursuer has experienced before. They simply want the pursuer to shift into auto-pilot and pursue with abandon, until they've had enough and then the pursuer should know that they've become annoying and quite. But what people often learn is that in dating, more specifically pursuing another person, is often a challenge between trying to figure out the sincere from the bull$#%^.

 

The problem that I see in a lot of threads is that a lot of people don't want to acknowledge that their own sincerity will often look indiscernible from another person's bull$#%^. The assumption is that we're worth the potential humiliation, wasted time, effort and potential label of being "creepy" because we're simply so darn wonderful. There is a fantasy that our true love will go to hell and back or any other unreasonable task and if they don't and draw a line in the sand then they weren't really interested in the first place.

 

For people that are assuming that everyone just "gives up" or lack simply want the world handed to them, I invite you to read some of the threads admonishing the "thirsty" guys on line, threads about people that can't take hints as well as the ones about people that "should have known better", what's the real difference between those threads and the ones with the people who give up?

 

Its usually the interest level of the person being pursued.

[mrldii]

OP, it is entirely possible that there are people out there who have dang good reasons for NOT following through on their interest in another person, even though they really, really are interested.

 

In my limited experience (I'm only 55) as a woman who dates men, I have found whatever their reason (too busy, too shy, too unsure, too obtuse to pick up my mutually-attracted cues) for NOT "going for what they want"

 

is a God-send, as - whatever their *good* reason - it's not going to work between us, in the long run; due to his more passive nature, eventually, he IS going to find me "too pushy", "too aggressive", and/or "too feminazi-ish" for his tastes,

 

so, personally, I just let sleeping dogs lie.

[Xiomn]

Mine went like this:

 

1. 5 weeks in, 7 dates, sex multiple times, several sleepovers, everything going great, not once made an excuse and always went on dates. I'm happy.

 

2. After 5 weeks: I ask her out on a date to go bowling, she says yes, I ask when is she free, she says next week. No problem as she might have stuff already planned this week so I think nothing of it. Still happy.

 

3. Over a week goes by and haven't heard anything from her, I get in contact asking if she is still interested, she responds back saying she is still interested but postpones it to next week again because she is back home for the weekend. I tell her to get in contact with me when she is interested in going, she doesn't reply to that text and i feel disrespected. By this point maybe I should of caught on and moved on but because everything had been going great for over a month in both departments it clouded my judgement perhaps. I was by this point seriously confused.

 

4. A week goes by again with no response from her and I send her a message confronting her telling her that I'm getting the impression from her actions that she is not interested in pursuing the relationship further between us. I express my likeness of her and for wanting to continue seeing her but only if the feeling is mutual or whether I'm wasting my time and should move on. I explicitly stated that I would very much prefer if someone were to tell me straight they're not interested than give false hope when in reality they're not interested.

 

Nevertheless, despite stating that very clearly, she responds by saying "just so you know I do like you" and that she would also like to continue seeing me, BUT in the same text goes on to say she is busy with deadlines at the moment and she would get in touch with me when she is free. AGAIN getting my hopes up.

 

5. 2 weeks later and I still haven't heard back from her.

 

 

It's just plain ****** up man.

Edited November 26, 2015 by Xiomn

[mrldii]

@ Xiomn:

 

I completely agree. Let's assume, just for a second, that she IS being 100% truthful and that she DOES really enjoy you and IS really busy (and isn't really busy with someone else).

 

It's still the same end result: you two are not seeing each other.

 

Relationships require actual face-to-face time, doing things together, to grow and to be sustained. Again, whatever the reason that's NOT happening, that person IS letting the other one know that A Relationship is NOT a top priority, at least at this time.

 

If you ARE the type of person who places your relationship high on your list of priorities, in time this is going to get very tiresome for you, when you begin to realize that you feel like you're doing the bulk of the work.

 

That's why I just let 'em go, whatever their *good* reason...

[Xiomn]

@ Xiomn:

 

I completely agree. Let's assume, just for a second, that she IS being 100% truthful and that she DOES really enjoy you and IS really busy (and isn't really busy with someone else).

 

It's still the same end result: you two are not seeing each other.

 

Relationships require actual face-to-face time, doing things together, to grow and to be sustained. Again, whatever the reason that's NOT happening, that person IS letting the other one know that A Relationship is NOT a top priority, at least at this time.

 

If you ARE the type of person who places your relationship high on your list of priorities, in time this is going to get very tiresome for you, when you begin to realize that you feel like you're doing the bulk of the work.

 

That's why I just let 'em go, whatever their *good* reason...

 

Yeah, I guess it's just hard to let go and it's painful. I get attached to people quickly and finding someone is a big priority in my life at the moment personally. It doesn't help that I found her super attractive either. To be honest I was already getting tired after the 1 month mark for precisely that reason, I felt like I was putting all the work in with no action on her part. I clinged on in hope that something would change in the future.

 

What annoyed me the most was (without hopefully sounding creepy) I knew her schedule. University student with lectures only 2 days a week, unemployed, not much going on in her life to constitute her being busy all the time suffice to say.

 

That's what predominantly got me annoyed, because I was certain she was making excuses, I just wanted to her to admit straight up that she wasn't interested than messing me about.

 

Obviously that's a mistake though because if there's one thing that will get you emotionally down more than anything else it's expecting people to do things which you would expect them to do and them not living up to your desired expectations.

[mrldii]

@ Xiomn

 

Personally, I think it's OK to have "expectations" (as long as they're not abnormally rigid or pie-in-the-sky); it's good to know what you will and will NOT accept within the confines of relating to others.

 

I think the 'crazy-making' occurs when we know our expectations and continue to stay with someone that we know can't/won't meet them, for whatever reason, *good* or *bad*.

 

Best of luck to you...

[Toodaloo]

I had one of these recently.

 

Turns out while he really enjoyed my company he wasn't all that into me and well, after investing more time and emotion thinking it was reciprocated it hurt.

[DoesntGetIt]

Actually that little *game* is nothing new, men have been intentionally pulling back as a way to get the girl to chase them for YEARS!

 

But let's get real here. He pursued you UNTIL you responded, spent the night and became physical...

 

So why would he pull back then, you were responding!!

 

He'd have a case for pulling back if you kept rejecting him, but that's not what happened here.

 

You responded and spent the night! Indicating you were into him! But he pulled back because he *didn't* think you were into him? Sweetie, that makes zero sense.

 

IMO the guy is full oif crap.

 

But in any event, as I said what you posted is nothing new....it's a strategy some men use to get the girl to chase....

 

Sadly it works in many cases....

 

I don't agree with that assessment.

 

I'm with a woman now he doesn't show how she feels on her own, and it drives me nuts. She will go along with sex if I initiate, she will kiss if I initiate, she will sleep together at night if I initiate. Go out and do things if I make the plans. But... she initiates nothing. I have no idea if she gives a crap about me at all. I've even directly asked her if she could initiate once in a while and that it is important to me, and she still doesn't.

 

I've just begun to pullback, and I figure it can go one of two ways. Either she starts to initiate some, and I go back and do what I was. Or she doesn't, and it falls apart. I'm ready for either outcome, because the way things are is torturing my mind.

 

So it isn't always a game, and a woman going along with what a guy is leading is no where near the same as the woman initiating things on her own. One says "Sure why not" the other says "I care enough to put myself out there for you"

[katiegrl]

I don't agree with that assessment.

 

I'm with a woman now he doesn't show how she feels on her own, and it drives me nuts. She will go along with sex if I initiate, she will kiss if I initiate, she will sleep together at night if I initiate. Go out and do things if I make the plans. But... she initiates nothing. I have no idea if she gives a crap about me at all. I've even directly asked her if she could initiate once in a while and that it is important to me, and she still doesn't.

 

I've just begun to pullback, and I figure it can go one of two ways. Either she starts to initiate some, and I go back and do what I was. Or she doesn't, and it falls apart. I'm ready for either outcome, because the way things are is torturing my mind.

 

So it isn't always a game, and a woman going along with what a guy is leading is no where near the same as the woman initiating things on her own. One says "Sure why not" the other says "I care enough to put myself out there for you"

 

So, you are in a relationship with this woman, which includes sex.

 

But you have no idea how she feels, so you're gonna pull back? Which means what, stop calling? Stop asking her to spend time?

 

Might I suggest you actually, gasp, communicate with her and ask her how she feels and what she wants? That you'd like her to initiate more?

 

Since you have been doing it all...she may assume you enjoy that role! Not to mention whenever you do initiate, she responds positively, right? Which shows she is very interested, and cares.

 

If she was cancelling dates, etc., I might understand your confusion, but she's responding!

 

Anyhoo, if you just pull back, without telling her why... it might backfire on you ... as how is she supposed to know that the reason you are pulling back is so she will step up?

 

She may think you are pulling back because you've lost interest... and pull back herself! What does that solve?

 

I don't understand why people can't communicate about these things. Instead resorting to these silly *testing" games....which rarely work and end up backfiring on the person playing them.

 

So so silly.....COMMUNICATE! If you don't get the response you want or need, then wish her well and walk away.

Edited November 26, 2015 by katiegrl

[DoesntGetIt]

So, you are in a relationship with this woman, which includes sex.

 

But you have no idea how she feels, so you're gonna pull back? Which means what, stop calling? Stop asking her to spend time?

 

Might I suggest you actually, gasp, communicate with her and ask her how she feels and what she wants? That you'd like her initiate more? Since you have been doing it all...she may assume you enjoy that role!

 

If you just pull back, without telling her why... it might backfire on you ... as how is she supposed to know that the reason you are pulling back is so she will step up?

 

She may think you are pulling back because you've lost interest... and pull back herself! What does that solve?

 

I don't understand why people can't communicate about these things. Instead resorting to these silly *testing" games....which rarely work and end up backfiring on the person playing them.

 

So so silly.....COMMUNICATE! If you don't get the response you want or need, then wish her well and walk away.

 

You may have missed the part where I said I have talked to her about how it is important to me that she initiate. I've sat her down and talked to her 3-4 times now about how she doesn't let me know how she feels or initiate anything. She doesn't give me any answers and says ok she'll work on it and then does nothing (she also gets annoyed that I try and talk to her about such things).

 

So yeah, I tried that. And because I am missing out on an aspect that is important to me, I am down to the option of either just end it, or pullback to see if she starts initiating, if not, it is ending anyway.

 

 

But I also think there is a huge flaw in a lot of women's thinking. That the guy has to pursue and initiate everything and if they go along with it, then that is all they need to do. Wrong, guy's want to feel wanted too.

[katiegrl]

You may have missed the part where I said I have talked to her about how it is important to me that she initiate. I've sat her down and talked to her 3-4 times now about how she doesn't let me know how she feels or initiate anything. She doesn't give me any answers and says ok she'll work on it and then does nothing (she also gets annoyed that I try and talk to her about such things).

 

So yeah, I tried that. And because I am missing out on an aspect that is important to me, I am down to the option of either just end it, or pullback to see if she starts initiating, if not, it is ending anyway.

 

 

But I also think there is a huge flaw in a lot of women's thinking. That the guy has to pursue and initiate everything and if they go along with it, then that is all they need to do. Wrong, guy's want to feel wanted too.

 

Last paragraph, yeah that issue has been discussed ad nauseum on this forum. Check out the many many threads discussing it .....interesting perspectives from both sides!

 

But back to your post. Sorry yeah I missed where you already communicated what you need.

 

Frankly, given her response, and her non-actions .....she sounds like an entitled brat ..and instead of pulling back, my advice would be to just dump her.

 

IMO, after the first couple of dates, and you've started dating, and/or in a relationship, the initiating should be 50/50. In different ways ways perhaps, but it's an equal give and take.

 

If you're not getting that, just move on.

 

I hate games in an attempt to obtain a desired result, they're manipulative and dishonest.

 

If you are not getting what you want or need, then end it and find someone else who IS able to give you what you need. And of course vice versa.

 

Sorry this one doesn't seem to be working out. Next.

 

Good luck!

Edited November 26, 2015 by katiegrl

[Vyliss]

Mine went like this:

 

1. 5 weeks in, 7 dates, sex multiple times, several sleepovers, everything going great, not once made an excuse and always went on dates. I'm happy.

 

2. After 5 weeks: I ask her out on a date to go bowling, she says yes, I ask when is she free, she says next week. No problem as she might have stuff already planned this week so I think nothing of it. Still happy.

 

3. Over a week goes by and haven't heard anything from her, I get in contact asking if she is still interested, she responds back saying she is still interested but postpones it to next week again because she is back home for the weekend. I tell her to get in contact with me when she is interested in going, she doesn't reply to that text and i feel disrespected. By this point maybe I should of caught on and moved on but because everything had been going great for over a month in both departments it clouded my judgement perhaps. I was by this point seriously confused.

 

4. A week goes by again with no response from her and I send her a message confronting her telling her that I'm getting the impression from her actions that she is not interested in pursuing the relationship further between us. I express my likeness of her and for wanting to continue seeing her but only if the feeling is mutual or whether I'm wasting my time and should move on. I explicitly stated that I would very much prefer if someone were to tell me straight they're not interested than give false hope when in reality they're not interested.

 

Nevertheless, despite stating that very clearly, she responds by saying "just so you know I do like you" and that she would also like to continue seeing me, BUT in the same text goes on to say she is busy with deadlines at the moment and she would get in touch with me when she is free. AGAIN getting my hopes up.

 

5. 2 weeks later and I still haven't heard back from her.

 

 

It's just plain ****** up man.

 

Ok, maybe I'm more perceptive than you are, but isn't it obvious by now to NOT listen to what a woman says, but instead take clues from what she does?

 

Words are a very lose interpretation of what someone truly wants to communicate. I think 70% of communication happens through body language anyway, and not words. So if you're relying on messages through texts... it means very very little.

 

Also keep in mind, not everyone has the personality to be blunt and honest (most people probably won't be). Even if she disliked you, she will find it really hard to reject you.

 

Silence/lack of action is just as important to notice as signs of interest (initiating contact, actively wanting to get to know you etc), and is often the best measure of interest. So hopefully you have figured that out by now and not invest too much until the girl can prove time and time again she is interested through her actions.

[Vyliss]

Yeah, I guess it's just hard to let go and it's painful. I get attached to people quickly and finding someone is a big priority in my life at the moment personally. It doesn't help that I found her super attractive either. To be honest I was already getting tired after the 1 month mark for precisely that reason, I felt like I was putting all the work in with no action on her part. I clinged on in hope that something would change in the future.

 

What annoyed me the most was (without hopefully sounding creepy) I knew her schedule. University student with lectures only 2 days a week, unemployed, not much going on in her life to constitute her being busy all the time suffice to say.

 

That's what predominantly got me annoyed, because I was certain she was making excuses, I just wanted to her to admit straight up that she wasn't interested than messing me about.

 

Obviously that's a mistake though because if there's one thing that will get you emotionally down more than anything else it's expecting people to do things which you would expect them to do and them not living up to your desired expectations.

 

So what have you learned?

 

Here's what I've learned from your comment:

 

1. Once people show you who they are, accept it. It's useless hoping they will change. They probably won't. And even if they do, they won't change to suit you.

 

2. Never expect people to do anything based on assumptions. Unless you like being disappointed over and over again. Assume you know nothing and you're going to be right much more of the time.

[mystikmind2005]

Mine went like this:

 

1. 5 weeks in, 7 dates, sex multiple times, several sleepovers, everything going great, not once made an excuse and always went on dates. I'm happy.

 

2. After 5 weeks: I ask her out on a date to go bowling, she says yes, I ask when is she free, she says next week. No problem as she might have stuff already planned this week so I think nothing of it. Still happy.

 

3. Over a week goes by and haven't heard anything from her, I get in contact asking if she is still interested, she responds back saying she is still interested but postpones it to next week again because she is back home for the weekend. I tell her to get in contact with me when she is interested in going, she doesn't reply to that text and i feel disrespected. By this point maybe I should of caught on and moved on but because everything had been going great for over a month in both departments it clouded my judgement perhaps. I was by this point seriously confused.

 

4. A week goes by again with no response from her and I send her a message confronting her telling her that I'm getting the impression from her actions that she is not interested in pursuing the relationship further between us. I express my likeness of her and for wanting to continue seeing her but only if the feeling is mutual or whether I'm wasting my time and should move on. I explicitly stated that I would very much prefer if someone were to tell me straight they're not interested than give false hope when in reality they're not interested.

 

Nevertheless, despite stating that very clearly, she responds by saying "just so you know I do like you" and that she would also like to continue seeing me, BUT in the same text goes on to say she is busy with deadlines at the moment and she would get in touch with me when she is free. AGAIN getting my hopes up.

 

5. 2 weeks later and I still haven't heard back from her.

 

 

It's just plain ****** up man.

 

I know this one.... It is definitely a MR wonderful syndrome.

 

MR wonderful is a very busy man, he ignores single women forever until they find a great guy,,,, 'then' he shows up,,, it is a fact.... the smell of a new relationship draws him in!!

 

So MR wonderful turns up and swept her off her feet, but she does not trust this new thing will work just yet, so she is holding on to you.

[mystikmind2005]

I know this one.... It is definitely a MR wonderful syndrome.

 

MR wonderful is a very busy man, he ignores single women forever until they find a great guy,,,, 'then' he shows up,,, it is a fact.... the smell of a new relationship draws him in!!

 

So MR wonderful turns up and swept her off her feet, but she does not trust this new thing will work just yet, so she is holding on to you.

 

I forgot to add that there is an advantage of staying on good terms with her.... MR wonderful is a busy man, he has other relationships to destroy, so he cannot hang with your girl forever!

[Xiomn]

 

I'm with a woman now he doesn't show how she feels on her own, and it drives me nuts. She will go along with sex if I initiate, she will kiss if I initiate, she will sleep together at night if I initiate. Go out and do things if I make the plans. But... she initiates nothing. I have no idea if she gives a crap about me at all.

 

The girl I was dating was exactly like this, I would initiate everything: hugs, kisses, sex, texts, dates, and she would go along with it perfectly well but she never initiated anything herself. Turns out she wasn't that interested in me.