lolablue17 Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 I don't understand. You are separated from your second wife, and she wants to control your son's relationship with his mother, your first wife???!!!! am I the only one who thinks it's insane? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 I don't understand. You are separated from your second wife, and she wants to control your son's relationship with his mother, your first wife???!!!! am I the only one who thinks it's insane? I'm going to guess the bio-mom was out of the picture - maybe the OP can explain why - and wife #2 has done the parenting and child-care, raising him as her own. She may feel no good deed goes unpunished... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 I'm going to guess the bio-mom was out of the picture - maybe the OP can explain why - and wife #2 has done the parenting and child-care, raising him as her own. She may feel no good deed goes unpunished... Mr. Lucky On my opinion, even if they weren't separated, she shouldn't have been interfering. She would have the right to advice and to say modestly her opinion, but not trying controlling and ruling. But they are separated! He has full custody. It's a "control freak" extreme phenomenon Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 So, should I let my current wife dictate the type of relationship that I choose to have with my ex-wife regarding our son? absolutely not. legally - she has no power or rights to even do so... i'm not sure why she thinks she can dictate the relationship between a child and his mother or why would her opinion on the matter be relevant. make sure your child has a good relationship with his parents first - then think about his relationship with other people and your current wife is definitely in the "other people" group. it's beyond me that she thought she can keep a child away from his own mother. the audacity. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 Yeah, so basically my current wife treats the son as her own (rightfully so) and she can't stand the fact of him spending anymore time with his bio mom than what's in the divorce papers. Idk, I just think If i'm comfortable with it, and the bio mom is asking for more time, what's the hurt?? your wife is extremely selfish - instead of encouraging the relationship between your son and his mother, she sees it as some kind of competition & won't let up the #1 spot in his life because she feels like she EARNED it. wrong. she's treating your son like a prized posession - not like a child she loves. put an end to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 On my opinion, even if they weren't separated, she shouldn't have been interfering. She would have the right to advice and to say modestly her opinion, but not trying controlling and ruling. Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying she's right. But I do understand how she feels. I have a friend who's addict sister dropped his niece off at his house and basically disappeared for the next 8 years as he and his wife raised her. When she was finally clean, she wanted immediately back into a very confused child's life. Sometimes a parent's contribution is primarily biological... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author dlr81 Posted November 30, 2015 Author Share Posted November 30, 2015 Mr. Lucky, I get your point too. My sons mother has never been a drug abuser, she was mostly just young and immature when we first got married...I mean never an excuse to be a cheater, but I know being a cheater, doesn't make a person a bad parent. She seems like she has really gotten her act together, and is in a stable home and marriage. Anyway, my wife came over today and said she is willing to compromise some with me dealing with my ex, but the only condition, is that I have to re-instate the child support. (In my original divorce papers, I told my ex that I would not require child support as long as she would buy him the things he needs when I let her know) but later on, I went through the state and issued child support against her. Anyway, she was always on time with child support. I said I would want to put the state support on hold for now and see if she will just start providing again like it was originally stated. Well my wife told me today that if I do not re-instate the child support that this marriage is for sure over. I honestly don't know why she feels that's her business..That's between me and my ex. I mean I know my wife should have some say, but I should be able to make the final call. I just told her that I can't just call her and say the child support is back on, if I don't feel comfortable with it. And like I said, she is requesting to have more time with her son. What do you all think about that? Should I listen to my wife and re-instate the child support, or stick to what I want? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 Going to agree that it shouldn't be your wife's call, though her point is valid as the ex's support does contribute to your household income. If your son lives primarily with you, your ex should pay support. Even if she provides things for him when he's occasionally with her, that doesn't cover her half of the cost of raising a child. You wife may see your willingness to forego support as a choice of your ex over her. Hard to say it's completely none of her business when she's asked to care for and raise him as part of your family... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author dlr81 Posted December 1, 2015 Author Share Posted December 1, 2015 I agree that every parent should be responsible for their part. She is requesting to have more time with him as well, and I am fine with that since she has been stable now for awhile. I just wish my wife wouldn't give me the ultimatum that if I don't put the child support back in place, we are done...but I don't feel right putting it back into place. It wasn't that much anyway. I would like to work on my marriage, but she said we can't if I don't reinstate it. I just have to stick to my guns, and what feels right. Anyway, my wife already has an appointment with a lawyer on Monday to start the divorce process. Maybe it's for the best. I know like will go on either way, and I can still be a good day to my kids, and learn from past mistakes. Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 Anyway, my wife already has an appointment with a lawyer on Monday to start the divorce process. Have you done the same? That would have been the first thing I would have done upon moving out, probably even before. You need to make sure you get a fair deal with your two sons from the second marriage. Your second wife doesn't sound trustworthy at all to do what's best for the children...only what's best for her. Good luck to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 I just wish my wife wouldn't give me the ultimatum that if I don't put the child support back in place, we are done...but I don't feel right putting it back into place. It wasn't that much anyway. What are your reasons for not requiring your ex to pay her portion? It seems a separate issue from her new-found stability or desire to spend more time with your son... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author dlr81 Posted December 2, 2015 Author Share Posted December 2, 2015 What are your reasons for not requiring your ex to pay her portion? It seems a separate issue from her new-found stability or desire to spend more time with your son... Mr. Lucky Well, no particular reason really. In the divorce decree I put that in lieu of child support, she would just provide things he needed, or that I requested he needed, and the judge said that was fine. It was just later on that I went through the state and had them separately do it. I was just wanting to go back to the original plan. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 Well, no particular reason really. In the divorce decree I put that in lieu of child support, she would just provide things he needed, or that I requested he needed, and the judge said that was fine. It was just later on that I went through the state and had them separately do it. I was just wanting to go back to the original plan. Were I your spouse, not sure I'd accept this vague line of reasoning. Every dollar your ex doesn't pay is a dollar out of your family income. While not your wife's call, she does have a vested interest. Is it possible you're acting on feelings you still have for your ex? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author dlr81 Posted December 2, 2015 Author Share Posted December 2, 2015 Were I your spouse, not sure I'd accept this vague line of reasoning. Every dollar your ex doesn't pay is a dollar out of your family income. While not your wife's call, she does have a vested interest. Is it possible you're acting on feelings you still have for your ex? Mr. Lucky That's true, I can see why she would think that, but I definitely don't have those feelings towards my ex any longer. I just felt like when we decided to force child support, we were doing it more out of anger, and we weren't even doing for my son. I mean she is still going to provide, I am already making a list of things for her to provide. Also, if she fails to do so, or messes up...the child support is just on hold, it's not cancelled. The child support office told me I can reopen it at any time with just a phone call. The money doesn't stop building up either. I mean I may be in the wrong, by putting it on hold..idk..I guess I don't know why that has to be a deal breaker for my wife, but I guess from past stuff, and the years of our marriage not being good, I think she sees me more as taking her side which I'm not. Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 Is it possible you're acting on feelings you still have for your ex? I've also gotten this impression from the thread, and his second wife could have been picking up on that all these years. I also get the impression that the OP would rather be nice about things than do what he needs to do to protect himself and his family. It makes no sense to me why he wouldn't accept childcare payments, other than he wanted to be "nice" to his first wife. If I were in his second wife's shoes, I would take that as putting his first wife's happiness as a priority over their marriage. Perhaps much of the resentment from the second wife is coming from that situation. I think he needs to be careful to not get screwed over by his second wife and talk to an attorney ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dlr81 Posted December 2, 2015 Author Share Posted December 2, 2015 I've also gotten this impression from the thread, and his second wife could have been picking up on that all these years. I also get the impression that the OP would rather be nice about things than do what he needs to do to protect himself and his family. It makes no sense to me why he wouldn't accept childcare payments, other than he wanted to be "nice" to his first wife. If I were in his second wife's shoes, I would take that as putting his first wife's happiness as a priority over their marriage. Perhaps much of the resentment from the second wife is coming from that situation. I think he needs to be careful to not get screwed over by his second wife and talk to an attorney ASAP. I can definitely see how that appears. She does see me doing just to be nice, or that I have feelings, but I honestly don't feel that way deep down. My second wife and I have had so many arguments regarding her over the years, and yes I'm to blame for some...but she is also acting upset at me because she says I am creating an unstable environment for my son by letting him have a little extra time with his bio mom. So my wife said that she doesn't want him to stay at her house now too because it will just confuse him etc, and would like to see him occasionally on the weekends for an overnight stay. She said she would still pick him up from school and take him to school. I just felt like I never had much control, and I don't think it's bad for him to have more time with his bio mom if she has gotten her act together etc.. but anyway, I understand the child support thing how that would look to her. Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 I agree with you that your second wife is acting unreasonable, regardless of the child support situation. If you feel that never had much control, it may be that you gave too much of it away to make your second wife happy. Don't let your second wife walk all over you. You have rights, too, especially when it comes to your first son. Like I've already said, speak with an attorney before she screws you over. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 All decisions should be made in the best interest of children. Any young child should be available to bond with Mom (short of Mom having severe mental issues or drug problems or abuse/neglect). If your second wife was purposely keep the child from the bio Mom that's cruel...and should not be tolerated on any level. And if the child lives with you the bio Mom SHOULD be paying monthly support! It is HER child that needs care and care costs money. I caution you - have a court order that's current...and follow that court order. If your first wife isn't paying support money have it taken directly from her paycheck - the court order served to her place of work will be sufficient to get paid before she gets her check. Do what you legally can to implement the laws based on providing for your child. Link to post Share on other sites
Wheremyheartis Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 I don't know about weather you to should get back together but I think you should go for joint custody of your two sons. I think it's in their best interest to have equal time between two parents. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dlr81 Posted January 3, 2016 Author Share Posted January 3, 2016 Just wanted to update you all...So, I have been in my own apartment since November 15th...it's been so awkward, but I feel like I'm adjusting, and i believe my wife is as well. I'm sad and feel okay at the same time. It's weird. Anyway, she is suggesting that we both go to individual counseling, and then counseling together, and stay sober for 3 months...(I'm not an alcoholic, but since her and I have been together, when we would have drinks is when I would escalate thing regarding mostly our constant disagreeing, and the issues with having to leave my step-daughter behind..) It wasn't all based on me, and I do take some blame of course, but she also initiated some too...anyway, if you read through this, you know the history. So, I'm taking her up on this, and have my first counseling appointment on Monday.. Also, the issue with my son from my first marriage, she is asking if I want him to live with her, or if he should stay with me? I mean she is the step-mom, and he is 9, and she did help raise him since he was 2 when his mom wasn't around, but his mom is around for the last few years now. I have full custody of him.... Should I consider letting him live with her so he can be with his brothers? Or does he need to stay with me? Since we are separated....I'm just confused right now and I'm not a good decision maker..so I am just looking for opinions....if he should live with me, and still be able to see her, or if I should let him live primarily with his step-mom, and I get him when I get my other 2? His bio mom gets him every other weekend, and one week Tuesday/Thursdays, and the next on Wednesday nights. I'm just looking for advice.. Link to post Share on other sites
playlislay Posted January 3, 2016 Share Posted January 3, 2016 I stopped reading when I saw that you ditched your stepdaughter for the new girlfriend. *shakes head* Link to post Share on other sites
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