Do Dumpers Admire Dumpees who went NC???

[stillafool]

I've been the dumper many times in my life and I've never looked back and barely thought of the dumpee at all. When I've broken up with someone I was completely over them before I broke up. If anything I felt relief.

[BC1980]

Man, it really is quite depressing even a few months after the breakup when I start thinking to myself that she doesn't even think of me as many of the people here have stated. No, it doesn't change anything, and no, I don't expect her to come back/ I agree when it's done, it's almost always done, but still, part of me has always thought at the very least she still thinks about me a lot...

 

I'm sure she thinks of you, but it's not the way you think of her. She probably remembers your time together in a fond way, but that is it. She's not missing you like you are missing her. I know it's really sad and difficult to understand that, but it's better to accept reality. I think it can help you move on to accept it.

[Meli22]

Here's the thing. Here is what men don't understand. It's taken me a while to really understand this. Are you ready?

 

Unless you have been abusive and a complete sh*t... women fall out of love with you for absolutely no reason. They might wake up one day and see you differently. They may meet a man who is a shiny new thing. Whatever. It could be one of a million things.

 

To attach significance to WHY a woman falls out of love with you, is a complete fool's errand and 100% a waste of your mental energy. Women do not have some Big Reason that they don't love you anymore. A woman's Emotions are like the wind. Always changing, senseless, meaningless.

 

Men wonder for months, years. WHY??? Why did she leave me? The reason is, no reason. She's incapable of love in the way that you are. Her love is circumstantial, conditional. Her love is not faithful. Her love is self-serving.

 

So stop trying to solve the mystery. She's merely a collection of fleeting fantasies, moments, and feelings.

 

Whilst that is great advice, I'd say it's not necessarily a woman thing, but more of a person thing. My ex fell out of love with me (well words to that affect) "for no reason" and, if you read back at some of my older posts, it's a wonder I wasn't the one who fell out of love. So yeah, goes both ways

 

Anyway.. OP it is a waste of time trying to compare dumpers because every individual is different and there is no way of knowing for sure how they feel. The best thing to do is respect YOURSELF for remaining NC.

[BC1980]

Here's the thing. Here is what men don't understand. It's taken me a while to really understand this. Are you ready?

 

Unless you have been abusive and a complete sh*t... women fall out of love with you for absolutely no reason. They might wake up one day and see you differently. They may meet a man who is a shiny new thing. Whatever. It could be one of a million things.

 

To attach significance to WHY a woman falls out of love with you, is a complete fool's errand and 100% a waste of your mental energy. Women do not have some Big Reason that they don't love you anymore. A woman's Emotions are like the wind. Always changing, senseless, meaningless.

 

Men wonder for months, years. WHY??? Why did she leave me? The reason is, no reason. She's incapable of love in the way that you are. Her love is circumstantial, conditional. Her love is not faithful. Her love is self-serving.

 

So stop trying to solve the mystery. She's merely a collection of fleeting fantasies, moments, and feelings.

 

The only thing I would add is that men do the same. None of us choose who we love or who we fall out of love with. It's just not a choice. You can't really say how you will feel in 10 years because feelings are transient. Staying with someone is most always conditional because we all have standards.

[Meli22]

Whilst that is great advice, I'd say it's not necessarily a woman thing, but more of a person thing. My ex fell out of love with me (well words to that affect) "for no reason" and, if you read back at some of my older posts, it's a wonder I wasn't the one who fell out of love. So yeah, goes both ways

 

Anyway.. OP it is a waste of time trying to compare dumpers because every individual is different and there is no way of knowing for sure how they feel. The best thing to do is respect YOURSELF for remaining NC.

 

Also (and yes I'm quoting myself ha!) women are very in touch with their emotions. For example, I understand that love can't remain sparkly and passionate all the time, and it takes work to maintain that. My ex couldn't get his head around that and it was an issue for him.

 

Just another thing I thought I'd add. Sorry for hijacking OP

[adiamond]

When I've broken up with someone, I think about them for like a week to see if I made the right decision, and usually I come to terms with it in that week. Then I move on.

[mightycpa]

Add me to the deafening chorus... admiration is far too strong a feeling, although that word touches on what I felt. I think the best way I can say it is that it makes me glad, because it means that I went out with someone who has self-respect. Admiration is too much, but she definitely earned herself an "Atta Girl!" for taking what I had to say seriously. Now I don't lump her in with the ones who I still shake my head over. She's a rung above.

 

That said, she has no way to know, and I assume that she no longer cares.

[candie13]

I think it really depends. If the RS was shallow and short, based on superficial infatuation, chances are no, the dumper won't remember the dumpee. In a few weeks / months, the dumpee himself would have forgotten the dumper and their flaming past romance.

 

if there were feelings and they meant something to eachother, yes, the dumper will think of the dumpee. Maybe feeling guilty and relieved at the same time. Maybe with mixed feelings of regret and acceptance of the present. I think people who have exchanged deep feelings of affection will keep existing in the life of their previous partners. Not all the time was bad. Not all the memories were awful. But that is true for authentic relationships...

 

the real question of your answer, OP is: did you have an authentic RS with your previous partner?

[luck1978]

Hey Gretzky, from reading your posts on this thread, sounds to me like your well on your way to healing ;-) your logic is starting to come back and over ride your emotional response, which is of course sending this message. Give it more time and allow your logic to take control of your emotions again - you're nearly there- the fact you posted here instead of sending your message, and are realising the reality and truth is a good thing!

[Gretzky99]

I think it really depends. If the RS was shallow and short, based on superficial infatuation, chances are no, the dumper won't remember the dumpee. In a few weeks / months, the dumpee himself would have forgotten the dumper and their flaming past romance.

 

if there were feelings and they meant something to eachother, yes, the dumper will think of the dumpee. Maybe feeling guilty and relieved at the same time. Maybe with mixed feelings of regret and acceptance of the present. I think people who have exchanged deep feelings of affection will keep existing in the life of their previous partners. Not all the time was bad. Not all the memories were awful. But that is true for authentic relationships...

 

the real question of your answer, OP is: did you have an authentic RS with your previous partner?

 

Hey Candie13, thanks for the feedback. Of course I believe in my heart that we had an authentic relationship, and I don't doubt that for a second. (At least, I can attest 100% on my part and I am assuming her part, too). I also say this knowing that most would conclude they had an authentic relationship with there previous ex's. I don't know, but I can't see how I would ever jump and be in a relationship if either I or my partner weren't genuine and authentic. If it were, I wouldn't last that long. It's something that you just can't fake. I will say, though, that the relationship wasn't long. We were together for roughly 11 months.

 

It's been 3 months now, and aside from the first 2 weeks after the breakup, I've maintained NC. I know it's very unlikely to ever hear from her again, because 3 months is a very long time and usually if someone has regret they would've reached out bye now. I am trying to keep as busy as I possibly can. Most days I'm okay, but some days like today where I'm idle, I think about her a bit more than I should.

[J722]

Right, I get this. I too indulge in such false thinking. As soon as you can be realistic, and admit to yourself that you do not matter to your ex - AT ALL - then you can begin to move on.

 

While this is one of the hardest truths to realize, it is also one of the most helpful. Denial serves no one.

 

This is intense, and very, very hard to swallow.

 

But thank you for the reminder.

[marky00]

Whilst that is great advice, I'd say it's not necessarily a woman thing, but more of a person thing. My ex fell out of love with me (well words to that affect) "for no reason" and, if you read back at some of my older posts, it's a wonder I wasn't the one who fell out of love. So yeah, goes both ways

 

hmmmmm..

 

I think guys thoughts are more lingering and static than women's are. Case in point why men (dumpees) tend to take a lot longer to recover.

 

Ask a male dumper what his reason were. he will tell u straight out. Ask a female dumper... you get a rather complicated answer, as if she doesn't even know the answer herself.

[chinadiary]

Ask a male dumper what his reason were. he will tell u straight out. Ask a female dumper... you get a rather complicated answer, as if she doesn't even know the answer herself.

 

Again, this applies to men and women.

 

I've just dumped my 3rd long term partner.

Number 1 - dumped him because he couldn't overcome his alcoholism.

Number 2 - dumped him because he was irresponsible and had a vile temper.

Number 3 - dumped him because he wouldn't make a commitment.

 

The first 2, I'm glad to be rid of. Wish I'd never got with them. Number 3 was a genuinely nice guy and I will always wish it had worked. But it didn't so...

 

 

 

Yes, long after we split, I'd think about them. The first, my husband, I'd think back and be glad he was finally OK (for his sake). The second, I was glad when he FINALLY realised I wasn't coming back. The third, who knows how I'll feel. I still wish we could have worked it out.

Edited November 26, 2015 by chinadiary

[Meli22]

hmmmmm..

 

I think guys thoughts are more lingering and static than women's are. Case in point why men (dumpees) tend to take a lot longer to recover.

 

Ask a male dumper what his reason were. he will tell u straight out. Ask a female dumper... you get a rather complicated answer, as if she doesn't even know the answer herself.

 

I agree in some cases but not in general. I think it's person specific rather than gender. As I said, although I technically pulled the plug on my last rship, it was (one of the many reasons actually) my ex had began to say something was missing, something wasn't right, the spark feels weird. It was all very vague, this and that, and I always felt there was something he wasn't being completely honest about. He couldn't explain, and refused to explain whenever I wanted to discuss the issue. It was my fault one minute, the next it was all him and nothing to do with me. But that's all old news now, but an example of a guy not "coming straight out" with an answer.

Edited November 26, 2015 by Meli22

[Wewon]

hmmmmm..

 

I think guys thoughts are more lingering and static than women's are. Case in point why men (dumpees) tend to take a lot longer to recover.

 

Ask a male dumper what his reason were. he will tell u straight out. Ask a female dumper... you get a rather complicated answer, as if she doesn't even know the answer herself.

 

I think that this is generally true (yes, there are exceptions).

 

The reason I believe is because men tend to have certain fairly crisp, go-no-go criteria for a partner. And if they're not being met then he has no reason to stay.

 

Women's criterias some to be a lot more fluid as though they are seeking an overall feeling that they can't quite get a handle on.

[Deleted User]

I keep reading that, most of the time, dumpers simply feel relief, a weight has been lifted off their shoulders, etc... That they don't (maybe rarely) think about the dumpee, all these things.

 

However, what in the case of a very serious LTR? I'm talking a decade or more?

 

Is it even worse in the sense that they're REALLY REALLY over the dumpee because they know them so much, or is it more likely to make them start thinking about the dumpee after a while of complete NC? Let's suppose the RS didn't end because of cheating or anything like that, and the decision was made rashly one morning...

 

What then? Same "no, I don't think about him/her" or "yes, I started to wonder if I made the right choice" after a while?

[kxpxsc3]

This is a really interesting question for me, as I was thinking the same things recently as I went into full NC (ex and I didn't really speak anymore, but I still had him as a FB friend and occasionally looked).

 

 

Even though I never begged, etc, I still contemplated a lot whether or to delete him, whether it would make any difference for me, for him, whatnot.

 

 

I thought back to times when I was the dumper and how those ex's reacted. There are about 2 that went full NC and although I think to say I "admire" them is a strong claim, I can say that in hindsight and especially after going through this myself, I do have more respect for them than the ex's that never deleted me or never went NC.

[candie13]

Hey Candie13, thanks for the feedback. Of course I believe in my heart that we had an authentic relationship, and I don't doubt that for a second. (At least, I can attest 100% on my part and I am assuming her part, too). I also say this knowing that most would conclude they had an authentic relationship with there previous ex's. I don't know, but I can't see how I would ever jump and be in a relationship if either I or my partner weren't genuine and authentic. If it were, I wouldn't last that long. It's something that you just can't fake. I will say, though, that the relationship wasn't long. We were together for roughly 11 months.

 

It's been 3 months now, and aside from the first 2 weeks after the breakup, I've maintained NC. I know it's very unlikely to ever hear from her again, because 3 months is a very long time and usually if someone has regret they would've reached out bye now. I am trying to keep as busy as I possibly can. Most days I'm okay, but some days like today where I'm idle, I think about her a bit more than I should.

thank you for the answer, OP. You would be surprised, but... no, I don't think there are a lot of authentic RS out there. Hell, I've been involved in some where I was simply... trying to get over my own abandonment issues and feelings of self worth in the arms of a random man. No, I am not particularly proud of that.

 

The NC rule and what the other person thinks about NC... that's a whole subject in itself. I was the dumper in my last serious RS. I kept intouch one or two days after the RS -and honestly hated what I was hearing - and went fully NC after that. You'd think it's stupid for a dumper to feel abandoned, but I did. I made contact 2 months after the break up as I wanted to understand what the hell happened, but my previous partner never ever responded. Do I believe he had reasons to stay strong? Yes and No. Yes, I was right to leave. No, I am not going to beg. We did spend some time together, but in the end, he didn't owe me anything, not even an explanation. It sort of confirms I was right to leave - and hearing it from his mouth maybe would have meant - or he would have lived it as - a sort of face to face humiliation of his and then fight about the nuances of the topics discussed.

 

Bottom line, OP: silence speaks louder than 1000 words. Buddha said that three things cannot be hidden for a long time: the sun, the moon and the truth. If you were honest and truthful in your heart, stay strong and stay proud. Her words or reaction means nothing, because you know the truth. And if the relationship and the connection was authentic, she knows it too.

 

Now, she made her choice. You've shown strength and stamina. It's time to go the really grown up thing, and that is to come to terms with the past and try to let it go. Move on. It's in the past. You've done well.

[marky00]

Again, this applies to men and women.

 

I've just dumped my 3rd long term partner.

Number 1 - dumped him because he couldn't overcome his alcoholism.

Number 2 - dumped him because he was irresponsible and had a vile temper.

Number 3 - dumped him because he wouldn't make a commitment.

 

The first 2, I'm glad to be rid of. Wish I'd never got with them. Number 3 was a genuinely nice guy and I will always wish it had worked. But it didn't so...

 

 

 

Yes, long after we split, I'd think about them. The first, my husband, I'd think back and be glad he was finally OK (for his sake). The second, I was glad when he FINALLY realised I wasn't coming back. The third, who knows how I'll feel. I still wish we could have worked it out.

 

Well ok fair enough

 

But your first 2 cases were clear-cut. Ive always said that abuse (physical, drugs or w/e) or cheating are no-brainer reasons for a breakup.

 

Breaking up with someone due to lack of commitment I would imagine would be way harder. I mean you probably still loved the guy at the time for who he was. But somehow in your mind you dint love the image you saw of him in the future.

 

Oregon's point was more about dumpers leaving for no clear-cut reason. More about a "general feeling" of the relationship.

Edited November 27, 2015 by marky00

[Bo34]

thank you for the answer, OP. You would be surprised, but... no, I don't think there are a lot of authentic RS out there. Hell, I've been involved in some where I was simply... trying to get over my own abandonment issues and feelings of self worth in the arms of a random man. No, I am not particularly proud of that.

 

The NC rule and what the other person thinks about NC... that's a whole subject in itself. I was the dumper in my last serious RS. I kept intouch one or two days after the RS -and honestly hated what I was hearing - and went fully NC after that. You'd think it's stupid for a dumper to feel abandoned, but I did. I made contact 2 months after the break up as I wanted to understand what the hell happened, but my previous partner never ever responded. Do I believe he had reasons to stay strong? Yes and No. Yes, I was right to leave. No, I am not going to beg. We did spend some time together, but in the end, he didn't owe me anything, not even an explanation. It sort of confirms I was right to leave - and hearing it from his mouth maybe would have meant - or he would have lived it as - a sort of face to face humiliation of his and then fight about the nuances of the topics discussed.

 

Bottom line, OP: silence speaks louder than 1000 words. Buddha said that three things cannot be hidden for a long time: the sun, the moon and the truth. If you were honest and truthful in your heart, stay strong and stay proud. Her words or reaction means nothing, because you know the truth. And if the relationship and the connection was authentic, she knows it too.

 

Now, she made her choice. You've shown strength and stamina. It's time to go the really grown up thing, and that is to come to terms with the past and try to let it go. Move on. It's in the past. You've done well.

 

I couldn't agree more with this ^^. I think a vast majority of dumpees believe that they had an "authentic" relationship. While this is certainly true, there are also many relationships that end where this does not apply. The dumper who had a relationship with you may have had it because they just wanted to be with someone at that moment in time. It could have been that they loved the idea of having someone that loved them, or they hated loneliness, or had other selfish reasons for being in the relationship with you that were self-serving at their core.

 

Bottom line, an authentic relationship on both ends usually does not have a breakup. Because if it's truly valued by both partners, then both would work to fight the problems that presented themselves and not call it quits. I think this has definitely helped me move on with my prior ex. Eventually, the truth will always come out, and you finally learn that an ex who left you, didn't reciprocate those same feelings/love that you had in the end.

[candie13]

I couldn't agree more with this ^^. I think a vast majority of dumpees believe that they had an "authentic" relationship. While this is certainly true, there are also many relationships that end where this does not apply. The dumper who had a relationship with you may have had it because they just wanted to be with someone at that moment in time. It could have been that they loved the idea of having someone that loved them, or they hated loneliness, or had other selfish reasons for being in the relationship with you that were self-serving at their core.

 

Bottom line, an authentic relationship on both ends usually does not have a breakup. Because if it's truly valued by both partners, then both would work to fight the problems that presented themselves and not call it quits. I think this has definitely helped me move on with my prior ex. Eventually, the truth will always come out, and you finally learn that an ex who left you, didn't reciprocate those same feelings/love that you had in the end.

see, being yourself and showing yourself as you really are - good points and flaws and potential and vulnerability - doesn't guarantee that your partner will love you or will continue to love you. No one is really perfect and it may be true that both partners start and really try to be authentic to eachother, but after a while, things don't work out anymore.

 

It doesn't necessarily mean one of them wasn't authentic to themselves, to their partner or to the relationship. It simply means that they wanted something else and were evolving in a different direction. We're all imperfect and - if lucky enough - evolving constantly... sometimes our partner might think we've deliberately lied when actually... we didn't know that answer ourselves.

 

I know why things can not work out in a RS but I am unable to tell you why things do work out between 2 people . I think my only point is that at some point, when we fall inlove, we need to accept that there is a risk that the person near us might leave and the only thing that it's holding them near us is not us or our actions, but also their own will and desires. I think that accepting that we will never really know or fully understand our partner, that there is a bit of magic and freedom that is out of reach in the other makes us / me more humble and appreciative to the gift of love, when it reaches us, but also more grateful and accepting, when it leaves us...

[fireflywy]

What if you were the dumper but had no choice because the dumpee had checked out?

 

It was the most painful decision I ever had to make to end a relationship I had tried so hard to get back from. I was even told "Well, at least you finally had the courage to end it." I was like "What? Seriously?" (Not out loud.)

 

It has been nearly a year and I still think about her everyday (my story is in my 'stream of conciousness' thread). I don't believe as others have said, that an ex who leaves you, in ALL cases, didn't reciprocate love for you at the end. It was certainly the opposite for me.

 

Anyway, just my rambling thoughts.

[mightycpa]

What if you were the dumper but had no choice because the dumpee had checked out?

 

It was the most painful decision I ever had to make to end a relationship I had tried so hard to get back from. I was even told "Well, at least you finally had the courage to end it." I was like "What? Seriously?" (Not out loud.)

 

It has been nearly a year and I still think about her everyday (my story is in my 'stream of conciousness' thread). I don't believe as others have said, that an ex who leaves you, in ALL cases, didn't reciprocate love for you at the end. It was certainly the opposite for me.

 

Anyway, just my rambling thoughts.

See what I mean (cross-thread convo)? You're no dumper in this case.