First Fight

[losangelena]

I'm gonna have to disagree with you on this one LA.

 

The root of jealousy is insecurity so if a another man tried to kiss his girlfriend, put her hand on his knee, backrub, etc..... unless the boyfriend is so insecure that he feels threatened that his girlfriend might leave him for this other man, the more appropriate and healthy reaction would be to feel disrespected ...

 

Fair point!

 

I think that's more what I meant, anyway, I just used the wrong word.

[trippi1432]

Thank you for your thoughts on this. I believe that poly relationships are possible and so is that way of thinking. I just am highly uncomfortable about it when I think of my emotions and my partner with someone else. I am coming from a conservative/traditional relationship in which my partner would get jealous of I ogled another woman. I never had to deal with these situations before. My ex would find it inappropriate to be alone with another man if either are in a relationship and it's not strictly business. So it's all very new to me.

 

Though I've been upfront about my inability for poly relationships from the get go and the reasons why. I told her we could remain **** buddies and she could do what she wanted, but she insisted being monogamous would be no problem for her and would respect it. I know as I grow secure, I've thought about swinging/poly relationships before and was okay with that partner doing it. I think we had a strong foundation and that feeling wasn't there for a year or two. It's been a learning process for me, and something I am doing partially selfishly. I have massive abandonment issues, having my mom take off when I was a baby, drug addict dad, and my mom returned only to relapse into a raging alcoholic before becoming homeless. I also harbor resentment for the time in which I was fat and girls didn't give me a chance and have feelings of inadequacy.

 

It has left me this shell of emotions that whenever I experience hurt, I would rather push people away than voice my emotions and forgive people. Simple things. In these moments in my past, I would have faded. I would have faded a three month relationship and left her with nothing but her ex boyfriend friend as an explanation. I am desperately tired of being lonely because my natural instincts. This woman communicates her emotions like no one I've ever been with. I've never seen a successful discussion. Every woman I've been with has been hot and crazy, and the crazy entails screaming at me instead of discussing feelings. My mom was a nutter who never talked about her emotions, and my dad was involved in many affairs with awful people.

 

I can learn a lot from navigating this relationship in terms of communication, trust and facing my fears of inadequacy and abandonment. Many of my relationships have ended with women telling me that I pushed them away and am emotionally ****ed up. I think she can talk me through some of these things, and in the end, if she breaks these boundaries, I'll move on, like I always move on and there's always another woman- who is highly likely to be on bored with monogamy.

 

Veng - Hope you are doing well and come and update on how things are going.

 

I think it's good that you understand and are touch with your childhood background and want to work on these problems. Have you addressed them in therapy before? Sounds like you are approaching this situation as therapeutic and a learning curve for yourself, but as long as you can take the high road if she can't or isn't holding to her word on being monogamous and respecting the boundaries on this one guy, give yourself time to heal.

 

I have to say, I 100% agree with Katie's assessment of not jealousy, but disrespect. That is exactly what tore my current relationship apart and I am working on dismantling it as fairly as possible so I ensure that I give love back to me. That's hard to do sometimes with such a past that you are trying to emotionally maneuver. I do hope that you come out on the other side okay with whatever decisions are made. All the best.