BF went on a 20 minute drunken tirade of verbal abuse

[thecrucible]

Well you kind of have to think to yourself, is this someone I'd be comfortable being friends with? In my view, if they'd make a ****ty friend, they're a rubbish bf. I've been with guys with abusive tendencies. Please recognise the red flags. Even if they apologise, they will do it again because they are hard wired that way. It's not worth the struggle. There are plenty of men out there who are not like that. Please save yourself the trouble and leave.

[shyguy3543]

Nope, nope, Nope, NOPE, nope. I think that's completely inexcusable. I'd call things off. Saying "I'm in the position of power" and knowing what buttons to push and actually pushing them is terrible.

 

And calling you a c*** is just not right. I don't care what he does with his friends, I can't imagine calling someone you truly love that. I'd NEVER call my girlfriend that (if she existed lol).

[katiegrl]

Like I said earlier, perhaps when the verbal escalates to physical (which it WILL -- always does)....she'll get it.

 

 

Woman left horribly disfigured and in a coma for two months after her 'boyfriend threw sulfuric acid in her face' | Daily Mail Online

[xcupid]

That sort of abuse should never get a second chance.

[losangelena]

The more I think about this, the worse I feel about it. OP I know you said you've forgiven him and that you've promised yourself you'll leave if it happens again, but why wait? I mean, what if you put this incident behind you, and you decide to commit to him, marry him, have kids with him, and for years it doesn't happen again until one day, it does?

 

You're relatively free and unencumbered at this point. But if you've got a house or a family, it's going to be that much harder to leave him if it happens again. Besides, how are you really going to start feeling about yourself, say the next time he wants to be intimate, and all you can hear are the words he said to you echoing in your ears? Are you really going to want to open up to a man like that?

 

Ultimately I know it's your choice, but I really hate to see you make the decision you're making, to stay with him. Even the way he says he's so sorry and he's disgusted and there must be something wrong with him—that's classic abuser talk, not to mention the tears!

 

He's shown you both sides of himself now, and you're (a bit naively, I feel) choosing to give him the benefit of the doubt, when really, there's a whole other side to him that you should be focusing on, which is the drunken, abusive side. His friends have even told you it's happened in the past. Unless HE gets the help he needs, I don't see things changing for the better.

[S2B]

I'm not really sure how I feel about the situation, I'm going to give it some time, and see how I feel then.

 

Time to think about it?

 

What's to think about? Your gut should be screaming at you to get far away from him and never see him again.

 

 

Staying just allows him to think he can do it to you again.

 

 

And any man that called me the C word wouldn't live to drive home... Why would you think that's acceptable? It's NOT endearing! There's NO excuse for any man using that word.

[JustGettingBy]

His friends seem to be giving you all the info you need to know.

 

Get him out of your life, and make sure his ass doesn't hit the door on the way out. The second part was for the door's sake, not his.

[TunaCat]

I'm not really sure how I feel about the situation, I'm going to give it some time, and see how I feel then.

 

How can you say "I'm not really sure about how I feel about the situation"

 

He was horribly verbally abusive to you and by you deciding to give him another chance, you're telling him that you aren't strong enough to stand up for yourself and that you are perfectly okay with the way he spoke to you.

 

Why give it time at all?

 

He ABUSED you!

 

What's it gonna take for you to realize you deserve better?

[katiegrl]

If I had to take a guess as to why she stays ...it's because her self-esteem is so low, on some level she agrees with his harsh assessment of her...and may even feel if she can *improve* herself, his abuse won't happen again!

 

Not realizing it would not matter if she was absolutely perfect in every way possible, HE would still abuse her cause the problem is within HIM and has nothing to do with her...

 

I mean she doesn't appear to be all that affected by it all ...she stayed and continued to listen to his rant ....has apparently forgiven him ...whereas a woman with high self esteem could never shake off those words .... she would have immediately walked out ... repeating his harsh words over and over in her head, until whatever love she felt for him turned to utter disgust.

[katiegrl]

How can you say "I'm not really sure about how I feel about the situation"

 

He was horribly verbally abusive to you and by you deciding to give him another chance, you're telling him that you aren't strong enough to stand up for yourself and that you are perfectly okay with the way he spoke to you.

 

Why give it time at all?

 

He ABUSED you!

 

 

 

 

 

***What's it gonna take for you to realize you deserve better?****

 

See my above post re the woman whose boyfriend threw sulfuric acid in his girlfriend's face.

 

I remember that sorry well, the woman was interviewed and she said the abuse started out as verbal ....slowly escalating to physical.... culminating with him throwing the acid on her...

 

Often times, THAT is what it takes....for the abused to leave.

 

Very very sad!

[Leigh 87]

See my above post re the woman whose boyfriend threw sulfuric acid in his girlfriend's face.

 

I remember that sorry well, the woman was interviewed and she said the abuse started out as verbal ....slowly escalating to physical.... culminating with him throwing the acid on her...

 

Often times, THAT is what it takes....for the abused to leave.

 

Very very sad!

 

I've read that her book.

 

The woman is really inspirational.

 

She was originally very beautiful and worked on TV.

[Buddhist]

I got to the third paragraph, realised you were creating drama by blocking the door and switched off.

 

1. Dont date people who swear like that its pretty much a sign of where they are at.

2. You know what he really thinks about you now so why stick around?

3. Battered wives get gifts, flowers and apologies right after they get a black eye. Your choice.

Edited November 24, 2015 by Buddhist

[KatZee]

Besides, how are you really going to start feeling about yourself, say the next time he wants to be intimate, and all you can hear are the words he said to you echoing in your ears? Are you really going to want to open up to a man like that?

 

This struck a chord with me, because my ex was emotionally abusive, and I remained with him. I look back on that relationship and I'm SHOCKED that I stayed as long as I did. The only explanation I have is that I was completely and blindly in love with him, and, the abuse came about veeeeeerrrry slowly, and verrrryyyy drawn out over time. So it never really seemed like he was all that bad to me, and then I actually sat down and wrote a running list of everything and it was bad. Beyond bad.

 

Most of the time, his emotional abuse came out when he was drinking, or black out drunk. People who are broken inside, coupled with the fact that they can't control their alcohol, are some of the worst people to be around.

They're soul suckers, they don't lift you up, they just keep bringing you down, down, down. You question yourself, you question your worth.

 

My ex had me 100% manipulated and brainwashed into thinking that all of our problems were a result of me. He could do no wrong, he was a saint. Every argument we had? My fault. It didn't matter that he said nasty things to me, disrespected me, embarrassed me in public, allowed his friends to do the same. I was wrong, he was right.

 

Over time, although I stayed, I just became a clam shell of myself. I was not open with him. I was walking on egg shells to avoid saying, or doing anything that would make him angry and cause him to stone wall me, and ignore me for days. That was his punishment to me.

 

I stopped talking to him, I never told him my inner feelings, showed emotions, nothing. My body just went into complete lock down, survival mode. Everything just turned off, until one day I completely broke down and acknowledged that I hated him, but more than that, I hated myself more for even remaining with him.

 

That was it. That was the beginning of the end and when I finally realized I needed to be out of such a toxic situation.

 

You might not get to the conclusion that you need to leave him today, or tomorrow, or next week, or even next month. I do hope you figure it out sooner rather than later though. You don't want to get to the point where I was. I didn't even recognize myself. I wasn't a person. I didn't have a life, I merely existed just for him.

 

Don't do it to yourself!

[kendahke]

I have to admit that I do have very low self-esteem, I've been seeing a counselor about this and other issues for the past few months... I'm not really sure how I feel about the situation, I'm going to give it some time, and see how I feel then.

 

What is your purpose for giving this some time? What do you think more time will accomplish?

 

You do understand that this is not an example of what a healthy, adult love relationship is, right? You two do not have a love relationship: you have a power struggle going on and it would appear that he will resort to whatever measures he needs to to maintain a superior position to you. It's evident by you saying:

 

"I'm not really sure how I feel about the situation. I'm going to give it some time and see how I feel then".

 

You think that by sticking with him, that's going to prove your worth or your "unconditional love" to him. No. It won't, hon. All it will prove is that you discount your own value to the point where him spitting and ishtting on you is of more value to you than you being by yourself with peace in your heart, head and home.

 

I get it that you probably don't want to be alone for the holidays, no one does; but seriously, your self worth is of more value to you than being in this relationship.

 

He's now reached a level of comfort with this. If you think this is the last time this will happen, you are seriously and dangerously fooling yourself. That's not how abuse works, my dear. He's learned that you are fine with this level of abuse from him--you won't leave and you most likely will grovel to keep him around, so he's not going to get the same charge out of the same or lesser expressions; his charge will come from him escalating it to see what he can get away with. He will increasingly lose respect for you because you do not stand up for your self interests.

 

And don't count on his friends to snatch a knot in his behind for you. They are his friends and their loyalty will be to him and his happiness, not you or yours. They only spoke up because he was bringing their partying mood down, not because they are loyal to you.

 

You should discuss this with your therapist and in fact, you should send them this thread and see if they agree with what the overwhelming number of posts are saying to you. Most likely, your therapist will agree with what we are all telling you.

 

He is not some unique, precious snowflake who was acting out because he had too much to drink; he is a seething, violent and angry man who keeps Mr. Hyde in check only when he's sober; however he's not going to always be sober, especially with the holidays coming up. Not even Dr. Jekyll could master Mr. Hyde once he was off the leash.

[katiegrl]

Great advice from everyone (nothing to add in that respect)... however unfortunately I highly doubt she's even reading....

 

Clearly she is in denial... so anything we say, she will insist (to herself) does NOT apply to "her" situation ...because WE don't understand....and HER situation is different.

 

She is gonna have to learn the hard way unfortunately (like most if not all abuse victims do)... I hope nothing too serious happens to her....like the woman in the link I posted earlier.

Edited November 24, 2015 by katiegrl

[recycledheart]

You'll be pleased to know I ended it today, it took some time and a lot of thinking, and I realised that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life living in fear. I feel free now for the first time in months.

[losangelena]

You'll be pleased to know I ended it today, it took some time and a lot of thinking, and I realised that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life living in fear. I feel free now for the first time in months.

 

Glad to hear it, OP. It must not have been easy, but it is best.

[VengeanceGuidesMe]

You need to go to an Al-Anon meeting. It's a group for people who love substance abusers. Don't try to excuse his behavior by saying he only did it this one time to you & you therefore know he doesn't have a problem. The group isn't about his behavior. It's about yours. Go sit through the meeting. Then answer your own Q.

 

 

Take it from a man who has seen nothing but addiction in his live carve away what dignity my parents had left. Watched them as they flailed about helplessly, ripping down every person that tried to help them all the while excusing themselves from any responsibility for the **** pile they left behind.

 

Just get away from him now before you lose your happiness, your dignity, or your life trying to save an addict. They're sick and they need to hit rock bottom and want to change. These functional ones hardly ever make it that low.

 

I thought I had a handle on it. Mom was gone when I was 2, back when I was 8. Dad was a coke head most my life. Mom relapsed into being an alcoholic, lost her job, her house, everything. Dad sobered up for 2 years, got a good job, met another woman, failed a drug test for his job. I was 16-30 for this to happen. The alcoholic spiral to rock bottom took her 10 years, most of my siblings teen years. At 28, I went to my first Al-anon meeting. I broke down in tears and never had the strength to go back.

 

Don't get sucked into this life.

 

 

But hey, I bet he's cute.

Edited November 25, 2015 by VengeanceGuidesMe

[losangelena]

Take it from a man who has seen nothing but addiction in his live carve away what dignity my parents had left. Watched them as they flailed about helplessly, ripping down every person that tried to help them all the while excusing themselves from any responsibility for the **** pile they left behind.

 

Just get away from him now before you lose your happiness, your dignity, or your life trying to save an addict. They're sick and they need to hit rock bottom and want to change. These functional ones hardly ever make it that low.

 

I thought I had a handle on it. Mom was gone when I was 2, back when I was 8. Dad was a coke head most my life. Mom relapsed into being an alcoholic, lost her job, her house, everything. Dad sobered up for 2 years, got a good job, met another woman, failed a drug test for his job. I was 16-30 for this to happen. The alcoholic spiral to rock bottom took her 10 years, most of my siblings teen years. At 28, I went to my first Al-anon meeting. I broke down in tears and never had the strength to go back.

 

Don't get sucked into this life.

 

 

But hey, I bet he's cute.

 

If you'd read her last update you'd know that she already left him.

 

The bolded is uncalled for, IMO.