How do I differentiate between emotional unavailability and someone who gives space?

[paigej91]

Because you are searching for someone that will come pre-fit into the space you have available.... nothing more (clinger), nothing less (unavailable). That flat out doesn't exist for either sex. That's an accessory, like a pair of earrings or a gold watch that gets pulled out when the occasion calls for it and just as easily is slipped back into the box and put on the shelf until the next time it is needed.

 

Relationships, real invested relationships just don't work like that. There are just too many variables two separate sets of emotions, ideals, needs that are themselves always in a state of flux.

 

If you're truly intent on finding that perfect needle in a haystack, take a piece of paper and draw two overlapping circles, one to signify you and one for your love interest. Overlap the circles in a way that would indicate how much you would like your lives to overlap. When you meet someone, have them do the same and compare, what do you think the odds are?

 

There are very few things in this world that are a perfect fit right off the rack. Things that are tailor made......... get that way by being tailored.

 

TOJAZ

What do you mean by your accessory comment? I am confused as to how my post would give you the idea that I only want a man when it's convenient (ie: as an "accessory").

 

In terms of the clinger vs. emotional coward thing, I see it more as a scale than a fixed idea of what I want/will accept into my life. I'm encountering those far on both extremes, with very little in between. It sure feels like a needle in a haystack sometimes.

[DoesntGetIt]

I find myself attracting 2 opposite extremes of men, with few and far in-between:

• 
  The clinger (blows up my phone with too many texts/calls, gets overly emotional about small things, creates drama, overanalyzes, etc.)
  The emotional coward (creates both the mental and physical chemistry needed for a relationship, gives me attention without suffocating me, but has the Peter Pan/Bachelor syndrome and is a complete coward when it comes to emotional matters)
  

 

 

I think some others touched on this, but I think you may be contributing to this. I've know several women who back off when someone gives them attention/shows emotions, which in turn tends to make those men try harder, which them makes them feel "clingy".

 

Then those same women find a guy who is withdrawn and they chase him. The guy never opens emotional making them chase harder until they get frustrated and give up.

 

 

A lot of people do this. They want to be wanted, but they want their space. So when someone wants them, they pull back because they know they can get the attention whenever they are ready. When someone doesn't chase them, they aren't getting the attention they want so now they do the chasing and wonder why that person is so "distant".

 

Every woman I've dated, including my ex-wife who I was with for 14 years, would call me independent, fairly unemotional, very non-clingy. Yet there was a woman I dated who never really showed me how she felt, never made the plans, never initiated, and she referred to me as clingy which blew my mind given how everyone else views me. It is really all perspective.

 

 

 

 

Try being open with a guy and when you need space, just say you need some space. Sometimes just being upfront will make it all that much easier.

[ravfour4]

Happy to read this post, you sound like my very recent ex.

 

She came on slow, told me she wanted to go slow and we both agreed this was slower than we ever moved in a relationship and then she came on super strong. She wanted to stay at my place for a week, she wanted to travel to Sweden together, she wanted to do yoga weekly, she introduced me to her friends and some family and then....I started to really like her.

 

Then she started pulling away, I thought it was because she was sick of initiating everything so I started chasing her a bit. It went okay for a few weeks, lots of intimacy but in between the in person meet ups she'd barely text me. It made me uncomfortable so I asked her about it, she said I had nothing to worry about. A week later she broke up with me.

 

I find it ridiculous that her being super needy early on was okay, but that me reciprocating a bit when things were more serious was seen as overbearing and controlling. I think she had control issues, she even said she was afraid to like me a lot because if she does, I have the power to hurt her and she's not in control....

 

 

You can't win.

 

I told her we could work through this and to let me know if she changed her mind. We had break up sex (weird, but enjoyable) and it's over.

[Riptide91]

What do you mean by your accessory comment? I am confused as to how my post would give you the idea that I only want a man when it's convenient (ie: as an "accessory").

 

In terms of the clinger vs. emotional coward thing, I see it more as a scale than a fixed idea of what I want/will accept into my life. I'm encountering those far on both extremes, with very little in between. It sure feels like a needle in a haystack sometimes.

 

I don't think that every guy is at an extreme. I would risk to say that most start out in the middle of the scale and depending how he perceives your interest and actions toward him he would adjust his emotional unavailability or clingy-ness. As a guy, I try to make my intentions clear and ask that the woman do the same. I think your best bet would be to just communicate whether the guy is smothering you and to also do the same on the reverse side. I promise you that men cannot read minds, I've tried and failed multiple times. If I find a woman I'm interested in, her telling me she prefers less or more contact, etc. wouldn't put me off, rather show that she is also a human being who knows compromise.

[katiegrl]

I don't think that every guy is at an extreme. I would risk to say that most start out in the middle of the scale and depending how he perceives your interest and actions toward him he would adjust his emotional unavailability or clingy-ness. As a guy, I try to make my intentions clear and ask that the woman do the same. I think your best bet would be to just communicate whether the guy is smothering you and to also do the same on the reverse side. I promise you that men cannot read minds, I've tried and failed multiple times. If I find a woman I'm interested in, her telling me she prefers less or more contact, etc. wouldn't put me off, rather show that she is also a human being who knows compromise.

 

Yeah pretty much what I said earlier.... men aren't mind readers, you need to communicate what you're comfortable with (or not comfortable with).... that is exactly what I did when I first started dating my fiancé...

 

I felt very smothered in the beginning but I talked to him.... explained to him I just wasn't used to that much togetherness right of the bat...that we needed to go more slowly with respect to that, otherwise it just wasn't gonna work.... which he was totally cool with, and actually thanked me for being so open and communicating this to him! Otherwise, how would he have known?! He not a mind reader for heaven's sake, no man is (nor is any woman for that matter...)

 

Give and take, great relationships don't just happen, we create them in many respects... which again takes compromise and communication.

Edited November 25, 2015 by katiegrl

[Male2.0]

How do I differentiate between emotional unavailability and someone who gives space?

 

Its not easy....

 

Because many people are not open and honest with the other person, especially when dating first starts out. Everyone is always trying to "market" a good version of themselves rather than being relaxed and real like they are with their friends/family. And frankly, theres millions of people that arent even real with their friends, or family for that matter.

 

Its the same issues I have when dealing with women in the dating world....How do I determine between someone that is not interested vs someone that is busy and purposely holding back so they dont come across too eager.

 

Great communication helps but that is rare.

Edited November 25, 2015 by Male2.0

[tojaz]

What do you mean by your accessory comment? I am confused as to how my post would give you the idea that I only want a man when it's convenient (ie: as an "accessory").

 

In terms of the clinger vs. emotional coward thing, I see it more as a scale than a fixed idea of what I want/will accept into my life. I'm encountering those far on both extremes, with very little in between. It sure feels like a needle in a haystack sometimes.

 

It was not meant as anything malicious, just a change of perspective, but I can see how it could be taken as something else.

 

I'm not saying you only want to be with a man when it is convenient, but it does sound by your description, that you are hoping that his level of attraction remains convenient to yours.

 

Those things are too open to interpretation though. It takes a pretty wide margin of acceptance as you both figure out what a happy balance is in the relationship. What you consider a stage 5 clinger could quite easily be considered unavailable by someone else and vice versa.

 

How long did you stay in these relationships before deciding they weren't for you? There's nothing wrong with having a level you are comfortable with, but I would hate to think you are passing on relationships that could otherwise have been successful, given enough time to find each others comfort level.

 

TOJAZ