Jersey born raised Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 You have left out vital info. First does your husband even know about you even keeping in touch? If he does, to what extent does he know. My SIS has keep in sporadic contact with one OSF. These contacts often become dinner table fodder. Secondly how do you think your husband would react? There have been insightful posts on this thread that argue the issue both ways. Without this missing info they don't amount to much value to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Not EVERYONE has ulterior motives. True. And not everyone wants to rob your house. But I'll bet you still lock the door when when you leave. OP, you've only been married a year. Have your lunches with your husband... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 OP: even if your intentions are innocents and let's pretend that this guy is the most innocent man in the world and has no hidden motives, you still have to let your husband know about the "catching up". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Not EVERYONE has ulterior motives. But everyone does have motives. If someone is going to take time and energy out of their day to see an ex, there is a motive behind it. Do you really think this guy's motive is to hear about the coworkers she doesn't like and what the vet said about her dog???? My guess is he really didn't even want to hear about those things when they were together. He just tolerated it until they got in bed. And do you really think her motives are to hear about his sister's promotion and what car he is driving now? That's what catching up is. Do you really think either of them is really wanting to meet so they can talk about that kind of stuff?? No??? Then that means there IS an ulterior motive. Assuming neither party is actively plotting to get the other in bed, that leaves that the real reason they are wanting to stay connected and in touch and to catch up, is to keep their foot in the door and see if the other person is still out there for them if they ever need a back up plan. Getting together with an ex is only to try to clear out old baggage or get the last word in. Or to try to score again. Or to see if they are still hanging on to one degree or another. There is nothing else positive to be gained from hanging out with an ex and there is a big long laundry list of problems and pitfalls it can result in. If someone is motivated enough to risk those problems and pitfalls, you can bet the farm there is an ulterior motive behind it. I didn't really want to hear about my ex's Aunt Petunia' s bunions when we were going together. I sure as heck am not going to take time out of my day to hear about that now that we are split up and supposedly moved on. If I'm gonna take the time and effort and potential risks of looking up an old flame, it's going to be for a darn good reason. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 He is an ex for a reason, just leave it that way. Also I love how the husband must be oh so insecure if he doesn't want his wife hanging around a dude she used to sleep with. Love it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
redtail Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Personally, when I got married, I pretty much think of my wife's feelings, both short and long term. This could very well plant a seed you don't want planted. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, and your husband may, at a later date in your marriage, feel it's perfectly okay to have a drink with a lady friend. Nothing to worry about, right? I give my wife absolutely no reason to worry about my priorities, ever. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 (edited) Bring your husband along so he could shake the hand that was all over his wife? I think that is one of the most disrespectful things one spouse can do to another. Or worse if she does not tell her husband who's hand he is shaking. My then fiancee (now wife), did that with several ex boyfriends AND her MM ex lover who she continued an emotional affair with at the time. He was still trying to get her to restart their sexual relationship while she was with me. She did not - but they continued to communicate. I did not know who any of these guys were (at the time) and welcomed them as friends of her's and even shared a beer with MM. Shortly after the wedding it all came out and I blew my stack. It was the last time she saw any of her "friends" (ex's) again. Edited November 20, 2015 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 An EX of mine was coming to visit family in our home country. We'd been in loose contact and I remember exactly what he said. It was "I'm coming over to see my folks. I'd like to meet up, but I assume your husband wouldn't be okay with that" My husband would NOT be okay with it. I never asked him...but I just know. Having said that my Ex was a bit of the jealous type ....so he himself wouldn't like it. We didn't meet up..... but if I really wanted to I would have told my husband I was going. I don't lie about that stuff and the last thing I need is someone telling him they saw me with a man having a drink or whatever. It's a small world. If your husband has always known of the friendship then you may feel able to mention it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author peacefulwifey Posted November 20, 2015 Author Share Posted November 20, 2015 OP here. I'm reading the replies to this thread, and I appreciate everyone for being so open and honest. Ultimately, what my husband thinks is most important, but it's nice to have a place like this as a "sandbox" of sorts to discuss these kinds of situations. It seems like even the thought of an attached person reconnecting with an ex brought up a lot of feelings for many people in this thread - questioning of intentions, mistrust, and pain. It's important to note that I didn't plan on meeting my ex without telling my husband, that wasn't even an option. Two questions I keep seeing here that I didn't address in the original post - does my husband know I keep in touch with my ex? Yes he does, and I know he keeps in touch with an ex of his as well, which I'm okay with. Second, have we discussed our feelings on meeting with exes? Yes, after thinking way back to when we first started dating, I recall a conversation where we discussed the topic hypothetically, but didn't really delve deeply into it. I told him that I was okay with it, but deep down, I felt a slight twinge of uneasiness at the idea. He said the same, but I could tell it was a nicety. He wasn't incredibly enthusiastic about it. After remembering this discussion and taking an objective look at the situation, I've decided not to meet with my ex. It's a situation with real potential to cause mess, drama and lasting damage. I'm not even going to bother broaching the topic with my husband. Thanks again for the open and honest answers. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Keep your Marriage sacred!!! Great decision. Link to post Share on other sites
MuffMan6969 Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 Tell your ex that you would love to meet him for drinks, but you will be bringing your husband, the love of your life.... Pretty sure that you wont hear from ex again, so no need to tell your husband.. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 Good thread on how to affair proof your marriage.... Glad you resolved it as a couple, Grumps Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 the ONLY way you can pull this off is to bring your husband along on ANY meeting with this Ex. Link to post Share on other sites
nheeya Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I don't know why you still want to meet him. What for? Do not complicate things anymore, if you love your husband then focus on him. That's why we call "Ex" because its past already. Link to post Share on other sites
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