Feeling Hopeless About Relationships. Considering Suicide.

[truthtripper]

In western culture, people in my experience seem to be less and less interested in developing enduring connections, or simply can't tolerate what it feels like to be in one.

Is materialism the culprit? Most would expect, it would only have a negative impact on the evolution of human consciousness. Perhaps we should have remained as hunter-gatherers. Our life-span hasn't changed much since then.

[K2z]

I got scammed a few weeks ago trying to buy suicide drugs online. Lost about 500 bucks. So I was serious as all get out. Bought a helium tank too, but it's too small. The world doesn't make it easy to exit. But I absolutely understand the urge. I continue to talk to a therapist and twice a day to my Mom, and I'm warming up to the God thing. I bend the ear of friends who will listen. It is not easy at all and the suicide notion is seductive. But it's a huge question mark.

[truthtripper]

I got scammed a few weeks ago trying to buy suicide drugs online. Lost about 500 bucks. So I was serious as all get out. Bought a helium tank too, but it's too small. The world doesn't make it easy to exit. But I absolutely understand the urge. I continue to talk to a therapist and twice a day to my Mom, and I'm warming up to the God thing. I bend the ear of friends who will listen. It is not easy at all and the suicide notion is seductive. But it's a huge question mark.

I've heard that there is a suicide clinic in Switzerland, which people travel to from all over the world, to end their lives. Once patients are given the ok by their doctors, often, their urge to suicide is lessened and they decide to delay their appointments or change their minds altogether. Interesting.

[truthtripper]

I'm warming up to the God thing.

My diaries from my teenage years are filled with the word "God". It appears numerous times on every page. If I hadn't had something to hold onto that was of a higher power/energy, I would have killed myself a long time ago. The funny thing is, I didn't really know what God was or if God would help me or not. There was just some kind of innate sense from somewhere within me, that I had to stay alive, for some reason. I'm still not sure what that is. I just wish my family would accept me and love me for who I am.

[TaraMaiden2]

I've heard that there is a suicide clinic in Switzerland, which people travel to from all over the world, to end their lives.

You're thinking of 'Dignitas'. Other organisations also exist in Europe.

 

.... I continue to talk to a therapist and twice a day to my Mom, and I'm warming up to the God thing. ....

 

The Therapist idea - very good, unless you become dependent on it as another crutch, rather than a stepping stone or means-to-an-end (not saying you do, just giving it as a caveat)

 

Your Mom - wonderful that you have a good relationship with her, that's an absolute bonus.

 

The 'God' thing...?

After 35+ dedicated years of trying, it left me totally cold....

But hey, that's just me, I'm sure.

[BlueIris]

That is serious. You need to get help ASAP. Really.

Here is a link that has helped me:

Christopher Germer, PhD, author of The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion; clinical psychologist specializing in the application of Buddhist psychology and meditation to alleviate difficult emotions in psychotherapy and everyday life.

 

I was extremely depressed in my late 30's and took this ^^ general track too. Meditation and Buddhist philosophy shifted everything inside.

A kind of simplified western version can be found in The Work by Byron Katie. It's not just a rescue. It's more of a fascinating exploration of thought and attachment to thought. Maybe give it a try.

[K2z]

I've spoken to "God" before, and I've explicitly said I do not know who I am talking to -- a personal God, an agglomeration of all existence, or a construct I've invented in my own mind. Once I cover my bases, the conversation becomes easier.

 

Dignitas and Exit International are Euthanasia organizations that want to make it easier for the terminally ill or demented to exit with dignity. I support that. They don't have much interest in coaching along the depressed.

[Heatherknows]

I've spoken to "God" before, and I've explicitly said I do not know who I am talking to -- a personal God, an agglomeration of all existence, or a construct I've invented in my own mind. Once I cover my bases, the conversation becomes easier.

 

Dignitas and Exit International are Euthanasia organizations that want to make it easier for the terminally ill or demented to exit with dignity. I support that. They don't have much interest in coaching along the depressed.

 

If all depressed people committed suicide then I'm pretty sure we'd only have a handful of people left in the world. All of them infants.

[truthtripper]

I've spoken to "God" before, and I've explicitly said I do not know who I am talking to -- a personal God, an agglomeration of all existence, or a construct I've invented in my own mind. Once I cover my bases, the conversation becomes easier.

 

Dignitas and Exit International are Euthanasia organizations that want to make it easier for the terminally ill or demented to exit with dignity. I support that. They don't have much interest in coaching along the depressed.

Some years ago, there was a case in the news about the euthanasia of a young dutch woman suffering from anorexia. Apparently her condition was treatable, but she wanted to die. I also just googled "depression euthanasia"-there is a suicide clinic(doctor-assisted) for people suffering from depression in the netherlands.

[Grumpybutfun]

We all need to be a part of something bigger, to feel included and accepted. Have you considered trying to volunteer for those who are less fortunate? Sometimes it helps to soothe our own minds when we concentrate on others.

Best,

G

[K2z]

Hmm Truthtripper you've got me reaching for my passport.

[TunaInTheBrine]

We all need to be a part of something bigger, to feel included and accepted. Have you considered trying to volunteer for those who are less fortunate? Sometimes it helps to soothe our own minds when we concentrate on others.

Best,

G

 

I'm already a therapist and social justice activist. If anything, I think I'm burning out from all of the help I'm giving!

 

One thing that I find helpful sometimes is to simply be out in public and doing good things for people. Yesterday, I held a door open for a man pushing a baby stroller. He was so thankful, not because he wouldn't have been able to fumble around and find a way to do it, but that a person recognized him and his child. A week ago, I offered an elderly person my table at a cafe who couldn't find a seat. Little actions of consideration really aren't as common as once before, and I find people are generally appreciative when someone out there reminds them that human decency still exists. Their appreciation also gives me hope they may in turn do the same to others. The golden rule, I guess. It's my effort of trying to create the kind of world I'd like to live in.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Are you starting to see out of your dark tunnel a little bit?? I hope so. I have personal experience with being in that place. The author William Styron (wrote "Sophie's Choice") wrote a really good memoir about his depression called "Darkness Visible." It is a good read for a person dealing with it. Or their loved ones.

[truthtripper]

It's my effort of trying to create the kind of world I'd like to live in.

Ripples make waves, my friend.

[burnt]

Interestingly enough, I am a therapist myself. I think being in the helping profession increases the emotional difficulties of life, since we carry so much of other peoples 'stuff'.

Acquaintances just don't cut it anymore. I can continue to exercise patience in forming a connection, but I am really just exhausted and lonely from all of this.

 

I feel I am truly doing everything I possibly can, but it's ultimately not up to me whether someone wants to connect with me personally. I can promise you I have been and continue to try my best to cope, but I fear at some point I'm going to break. I'm really trying.

 

Hi Tuna; after reading your initial post, I wrote a response a couple of days ago. It wasn't easy writing it. I felt what I wrote had nothing 'useful' to contribute, so I changed my mind and ultimately didn't submit the post.

After reading this last post of yours, I decided I want to respond. Now that I know you yourself are a therapist, maybe(?) something good can come out of my comments.

 

So, here I go again:

I have been here before; I am here now; I always was; and by 'always', I actually DO mean 'always', as far back in memory as I can remember. The ideation has been there my whole life; actual (failed) attempts, several times; multiple antidepressants didn't help; therapy helped some.

 

I have received LOTS of wonderful suggestions from others all along:

"you NEED to work on your attitude towards life"

"life is beautiful and you MUST think positive"

"you SHOULD think about all the people who have less than you"

"JUST let go of all your negative thoughts"

"LEARN to be happy"

"we ALL struggle with life, but, if you think positive..."

"JUST tell yourself to be happy and you will be happy"

"JUST remember happiness is a choice you make"

…shall I go on…?

 

Such wonderful collections of suggestions; the only problem is, I only ever succeeded in nodding my head to these ideas, but always FAILED at actualizing them in my life.

Damn it! What's wrong with me? Supposedly it's so easy to LOVE LIFE, and I keep getting it wrong.

 

Finally…

I was lucky enough to find one therapist.

For the first time, instead of preaching, she empathized.

The most surprisingly helpful thing she did most of the times was to just provide a 'safe' place for me to be ME--without loads of preachings.

No words in the world could describe what I felt to have those 45 minutes to just be ME in front of another human being--the lost me, the broken me, the damaged me, the tired me, the real ME, without illusion, without having to fake a single expression.

 

Isn't it funny, all these years, all I was really asking for was ONE person to just say "I'm sorry". That's all. It would have helped to know someone just acknowledged and validated how I felt. I understand 'suggestions' help some people, but they never helped me. So I learned to keep my thoughts to myself.

 

Just a touch of empathy, a small sign of compassion would've helped; it wouldn't have solved my lifelong depression, but it would've made me a little less lonely.

 

So I will extend the same to you:

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

 

I don't have any suggestions to offer; I can only share a few insights I have through my own experience.

 

I feel what I feel.

I FEEL unhappy, sad, depressed, lonely, afraid, hopeless, worthless, unloved, unworthy of love, damaged, incompetent, and I feel like a mistake in this world. These emotions don't change. They have always been there in me. Hearing positive things from other people don't change how I feel. All I can do is recognize that they mean well, but it's always unhelpful for me.

At almost 36, I'm not suddenly going to be what I never was.

 

I don't feel happy being in the company of happy people; I don't feel happy seeing 'happy' things. So I hide. I disconnect and I dissociate myself from others around me.

I feel like a prisoner in solitary confiement.

Since there's nowhere to run to, no way to escape,

I read, read, read,

think, think, think,

explore, search, seek

whatever I can find, hoping for a few moments of escape from my own mind.

 

Every now and then for a few moments, I find things: BEAUTIFUL things. Not happy things, but beautiful things: music, words, art, simple things. I read postings of other people in this site and feel a sense of connection. I'm not happy to hear of other's struggles, but it makes me feel somewhat human.

 

I read the words of the struggling minds--they are all dead, but their words aren't.

 

It is PRECISELY the people that struggle so immensely who openly share compassion, because they understand suffering. I find that to be comforting.

 

The worse my condition gets, the more I'm getting used to just accepting things as they are, instead of fighting, instead of trying to change.

 

My therapist shared a link of a comic strip with me. It HELPED a lot. It made me laugh, it made me smile, it made me feel comforted that someone's words could so well describe just how I feel.

 

Hyperbole and a Half: Depression Part Two

 

I hope you find your own 'piece of corn' (I'm refering to the comic), as I wish the same for myself.

[TunaInTheBrine]

Hi burnt,

 

Thank you for your contribution to the thread. I think we share the same frustration regarding others trying to give advice. You and I both know they come from a good place and so aren't harsh with them for it, but there is something that does feel invalidating when we are not recognized for the experience we are having. It can feel like a denial of our experience.

 

If some of the people who have disappointed me this year and in past years were to reach out to me and simply say that - "I'm sorry" (and mean it) - that would make a world of difference. What I need is not a false promise that someone will right a wrong, or for another to be made as abject, but to simply know that my experience is valid, real, and that if someone else sees that then maybe I can restore my faith in the human condition a little again. It's the aloneness of it all that kills, I believe. And being alone with my experience is exactly what this has felt like, and even worse when I've tried to ask for help to people I know offline and am met with denial, advice, or flat out no response.

 

It probably wouldn't surprise you to hear that I take a very humanistic and empathic approach to my clients in therapy. I don't pretend to have any answers because I don't, not even for myself. I only have love and understanding to offer. Now, I'm just trying to find it for myself.

 

I'm glad you posted what you did, and I will definitely have a look at that comic tonight. I've read a few of the hyperbole and a half comics before, and they're always a good laugh.

 

Cheers.

[TunaInTheBrine]

Are you starting to see out of your dark tunnel a little bit?? I hope so. I have personal experience with being in that place. The author William Styron (wrote "Sophie's Choice") wrote a really good memoir about his depression called "Darkness Visible." It is a good read for a person dealing with it. Or their loved ones.

 

Yeah, today is feeling a little better, and that certainly gives me hope. Last night things were kind of bad. I have no idea what tomorrow will be like. If I can survive the holidays and grow into a better person out of whatever the heck I am going through right now, I will be very thankful.

[Rejected Rosebud]

If I can survive the holidays and grow into a better person out of whatever the heck I am going through right now, I will be very thankful.

Try to get some support around you or just firmly commit to work in a homeless shelter for the holidays if you are likely to be on your own ... holidays are extra hard IMO.

[TunaInTheBrine]

Try to get some support around you or just firmly commit to work in a homeless shelter for the holidays if you are likely to be on your own ... holidays are extra hard IMO.

 

It might be a little too late to book a volunteering position since they fill up well in advance (I tried once several years ago). I have been considering going to a retreat center for a few days during Christmas week though. The key is to not be alone at home.

[truthtripper]

It might be a little too late to book a volunteering position since they fill up well in advance (I tried once several years ago). I have been considering going to a retreat center for a few days during Christmas week though. The key is to not be alone at home.

When I'm feeling like s*** the last thing I'd want to do is volunteer. I wouldn't appreciate others advising me to go out there and help people. I find it dismissive of my feelings and patronising. And anyway, how can we help others, when we're struggling to help ourselves? Makes no sense to me.

 

I hope you can go to the retreat. That sounds like a more appropriate option.

 

I love this music video. I feel like the lonely, depressed, young woman with her imaginary friend/alter. You may relate.

 

[burnt]

When I'm feeling like s*** the last thing I'd want to do is volunteer. I wouldn't appreciate others advising me to go out there and help people. I find it dismissive of my feelings and patronising. And anyway, how can we help others, when we're struggling to help ourselves? Makes no sense to me.

 

There isn't a right or wrong method for how to feel better when you're feeling miserable. Different prescriptions for different patients. Perhaps, volunteering is not for you. But I can attest that it works wonders for some people.

 

In fact, if you talk to the non-profit organizations that are solely or mostly run by volunteers, you will find that most volunteers are there because they are suffering from either depression of some sort or dealing with some kind of loneliness or loss.

 

The people who help the most are the ones who understand the pain the most--and that's how they can put their heart and soul to helping others. Some of the most dedicated social workers are the ones who KNOW what it feels like to be neglected or abused or hurt.

 

Genuine empathy for others heals you. So, as ironic as it may sound to you, it is exactly at the time of struggling, you feel better by reaching out to help others who are also struggling because--(1) you can relate to those people who are struggling and you can feel no so 'alone' in your own suffering, and (2) by helping others, it gives you a better sense of self worth and kindness.

[Rejected Rosebud]

When I'm feeling like s*** the last thing I'd want to do is volunteer. I wouldn't appreciate others advising me to go out there and help people. I find it dismissive of my feelings and patronising.

It's not, though. When people come out asking for help, they are going to get all kinds of suggestions, some of them are going to work for that person (we hope) and others won't, but I'm pretty sure they all come from a good place and not dismissive or patronizing.

 

I have had serious problems with depression. "Volunteering" perse was not a thing that helped ME, but what did was making a commitment that would be difficult for me to justify (to myself) flaking on. Working in a kitchen on a holiday especially if there were children involved was such a commitment, for me. Telling my friends I'd meet them for dinner on the other hand was a piece of cake for me to blow off.

 

Not being alone and getting out of one's own head is key and especially not good to be by yourself on a "family holiday" if you feel alone in your life. And being part of making somebody else's troubles lighter is good!

[truthtripper]

To burnt and Rejected Rosebud,

 

I don't disagree with you. Definitely those who have suffered make the best helpers, but I believe that they have to have healed to some extent or have developed a certain amount of self-awareness to be so. There's an organisation here in Australia that supports people who have been sexually assaulted. It is a prerequisite for all the therapists working there, to have been sexually abused/assaulted themselves. This philosophy attracted me and all consults are free of charge. Over about a year, I ended up changing from one therapist to the next, until I'd seen five therapists. They had all been abused alright and were all projecting there s*** onto me. It was obvious to me that none of them had healed enough to the point where they were prepared to cope with the traumas and vulnerabilities of others.

Edited November 23, 2015 by truthtripper

[Armageddon]

I've heard that there is a suicide clinic in Switzerland, which people travel to from all over the world, to end their lives. Once patients are given the ok by their doctors, often, their urge to suicide is lessened and they decide to delay their appointments or change their minds altogether. Interesting.

 

Thanks for this, I'm seriously considering this right now. Everyone has the right to die with dignity and go away peacefully.

 

TunaInTheBrine, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through so much pain now but likewise, if you know my story, I'm also going through a terrible time now. I'm in pain every day and just when I thought I'm feeling better, I feel terrible the following day or week. I have been to see three different therapists and it's still not helping me at all.

 

People says that suicide is an incredibly selfish and irresponsible act but for me, it's the only way I can stop the pain I'm going through now.

 

Tell me when you plan to commit suicide and I'll do it together with you.

[truthtripper]

Thanks for this, I'm seriously considering this right now. Everyone has the right to die with dignity and go away peacefully.

 

TunaInTheBrine, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through so much pain now but likewise, if you know my story, I'm also going through a terrible time now. I'm in pain every day and just when I thought I'm feeling better, I feel terrible the following day or week. I have been to see three different therapists and it's still not helping me at all.

 

People says that suicide is an incredibly selfish and irresponsible act but for me, it's the only way I can stop the pain I'm going through now.

 

Tell me when you plan to commit suicide and I'll do it together with you.

I don't feel genuinely loved by anyone. People can say "I love you", but they don't know what they're saying. My mum tells me this, but how can she really love me when she doesn't believe that her father sexually abused me. All there is, is a wall between us. I've learnt that I can't depend on others to be loved, so I am learning to love myself and I want to keep working on it.