Am I too available?

[CalvinM]

Yes.

 

With this guy: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/556441-self-esteem-boost-openly-flirting-another-guy

[EricaH329]

I'm just going to leave this right here. Cliff, btw is the guy I mentioned in the other thread:

 

http://i.imgur.com/a4ID77z.png?1

 

*It makes my skin crawl.*

 

How did you get that screen shot?

[Redfisher]

How did you get that screen shot?

 

Indeed....

[CalvinM]

She posted it on Facebook, and it showed up in my timeline feed.

[EricaH329]

She posted it on Facebook, and it showed up in my timeline feed.

 

What was the purpose of her posting that?

[CalvinM]

Me: "I had hope to say this face to face, but since we haven't seen each other in two weeks now, it'll have to be said here. It saddens me to say this, but I don't feel we're a very good match. There seems to be little urgency for you to see me, despite your words (the actions don't match). Not to mention, I find your "friend" Cliff incredibly creepy. Does he know you're in a relationship?

 

I felt such promise in meeting you, and getting to know you in the first two months. I felt we were on the same page, and working towards building a relationship that was based on caring and mutual respect, but the last week and a bit, I've felt lost in this. I've felt needy wanting to see you, and that's certainly not who I am.

 

Since our discussion last week, and the past few days, I've felt distance. I've felt pushed to the side. And I certainly haven't felt like your partner. I'm not sure you're ready to be in a relationship, and the constant comparisons to your ex have been upsetting.

 

I'm not sure where I fit in all of this. I had looked forward to resuming our relationship, but the past week and a half has made me feel like I've painted myself into a corner trying to be understanding, while stating my needs.

I don't think you meant to, but that text you posted today felt like a slap in the face.

I'm at a loss here. I don't know what to do. It sucks, it really does."

 

Me: "Could you answer my question, please? Does Cliff know you're in a relationship?"

 

Her: "Yes."

 

Me: "Do you want to be in this relationship?"

 

Her: "Yes."

 

Her: "I could understand if I had been brushing you off, or cancelling plans for no reason. I'm at a loss though, because I've legitimately been sick. I haven't seen my Dad for over 2 weeks now. As I mentioned yesterday, I understand that helping is important to you, and I was trying to make a conscious effort on my part, to change what has been habit for me. I've tried to communicate to you that I don't want anyone around now, while I'm sick. It has nothing to do with pushing you away, but trying to get better. As for the comparisons, I haven't compared you to an ex. I have only tried to better explain myself in relaying examples and experiences. Its been my attempt to open up with you so that you can better understand me."

 

Me: "Could you understand how the interactions you have with Cliff might make a partner feel uncomfortable?

I'm trying to be understanding, and it honestly doesn't bother me that you have male friends. I encourage it. But there's something not right about his interactions. It's really weird."

 

Her: "Are you talking specifically about the Patrick Watson text I posted, or other things? Cliff is like a brother to me. There is nothing there to feel uncomfortable about. I hear that you are saying it does make you uncomfortable, but there isn't anything there. We share things on FB from time to time. We get together every once in awhile. That is the extent of it. If you were to ask Cliff he would respond much the same. Cliff is well aware that I am in a relationship. I told him about you the week after we started seeing each other. I updated him a few weeks back when he and I went for dinner to celebrate his getting a new job."

[CalvinM]

What was the purpose of her posting that?

I honestly don't know.

[katiegrl]

What was the purpose of her posting that?

 

Probably for the same reason she felt inclined to tell him about this other guy's liking her posts....

 

She's a drama queen who likes to provoke!

 

Dump her Calvin.... sounds like a pain in the arse!

[CalvinM]

*Is she turning this back on me?*

 

Her: "I don't know what to tell you. I'm feeling incredibly hurt in all of this: what I saw to be a growing relationship that I was really enjoying has turned out not to be so. I've been told that I haven't made enough of an effort to meet your needs, and then when I did, was told it wasn't good enough, as it was only an hour. I've tried to open up to you as best I can, by relaying and sharing my experiences, so that you better understand where I'm coming from, but apparently I did that incorrectly. I've invited you to come out and meet my family, because I wanted that to happen, but I've sent mixed signals in doing so. You've out and out told me you don't think we're a good match. I feel terrible."

[oregon0011]

What was the purpose of her posting that?

 

Ummmmm. I think I answered this a few posts ago. Cuckoo

[katiegrl]

Ummmmm. I think I answered this a few posts ago. Cuckoo

 

I agree.... Calvin, people like her will totally screw you up IF you allow them to.

 

Your choice, but if it were me, I would wish her well and move on.

 

Yes she IS tossing this right back at you making it seem like YOU are the unreasonable one.

 

Total mind fu*k.

[joseb]

Just a quick search of how many people have BPD - I came across this site NIMH » Borderline Personality Disorder that states that 1.6 percent of adults have BPD in a given year. Doesn't reference how many of those are women, but just an example that while yes - some people may have it, it certainly isn't the majority. And that's just a quick search on BPD.

 

That figure is not really accurate for a lot of reasons - it's in a given year, the vast majority of BPD sufferers are never diagnosed and BPD is a spectrum so a lot of people exhibit strong BPD traits even though they may not meet the diagnosis (which is hard anyway). Having been with a BPD girl, I have spent a lot of time researching the topic, the real rate is more likely well over 10% and probably higher and growing.

 

In my case, yes followed those 1.2.3 to a tee, except after the 'repulse' phase they then go back to wanting and love bombing again, until you get close, in which case the cycle repeats. It's not fun and you feel like you are going nuts.

 

I'm not sure in this case she is BPD though.

 

It's kinda irrelevant anyway, she sounds like a PITA.

[CalvinM]

Her: "You can't throw out statements like "I don't think we're a good match" x, when you have concerns or insecurities. It's hard to forget that that was put out there."

 

Me: "I also don't think they're insecurities. I feel like two weeks is a long time early in a relationship not to see each other, when we're used to seeing each other almost twice a week."

 

Me: "And I felt like maybe you didn't see things that way.

Which lead me to believe we weren't on the same page."

 

Her: "Its a lot more easy to recover from that. It also opens the door for a discussion. Saying "I don't think we're a good match" is kind of definitive."

 

Me: "No, "I don't think we should see each other anymore" is definitive."

 

Her: "I don't know why you'd want to be with someone who you feel isn't a good match for you."

 

Me: "..."

[joseb]

Calvin, if you have decided to move on, then tell her.

[katiegrl]

Her: "You can't throw out statements like "I don't think we're a good match" x, when you have concerns or insecurities. It's hard to forget that that was put out there."

 

Me: "I also don't think they're insecurities. I feel like two weeks is a long time early in a relationship not to see each other, when we're used to seeing each other almost twice a week."

 

Me: "And I felt like maybe you didn't see things that way.

Which lead me to believe we weren't on the same page."

 

Her: "Its a lot more easy to recover from that. It also opens the door for a discussion. Saying "I don't think we're a good match" is kind of definitive."

 

Me: "No, "I don't think we should see each other anymore" is definitive."

 

Her: "I don't know why you'd want to be with someone who you feel isn't a good match for you."

 

Me: "..."

 

Oh FFS.... too much drama!

 

And what is "..." ?

 

Does that mean you haven't responded yet?

 

Agree with joseb... just wish her well and move on. This is ridiculous.

 

Sorry...

[katiegrl]

Her: "You can't throw out statements like "I don't think we're a good match" x, when you have concerns or insecurities. It's hard to forget that that was put out there."

 

Me: "I also don't think they're insecurities. I feel like two weeks is a long time early in a relationship not to see each other, when we're used to seeing each other almost twice a week."

 

Me: "And I felt like maybe you didn't see things that way.

Which lead me to believe we weren't on the same page."

 

Her: "Its a lot more easy to recover from that. It also opens the door for a discussion. Saying "I don't think we're a good match" is kind of definitive."

 

Me: "No, "I don't think we should see each other anymore" is definitive."

 

Her: "I don't know why you'd want to be with someone who you feel isn't a good match for you."

 

Me: "..."

 

You respond back with "I don't want to be with you. I wish you well but it's best we move on. Take care."

[CalvinM]

Yes, "..." means I haven't said anything, because I know anything I say is just going to dig me deeper.

[oregon0011]

Yes, "..." means I haven't said anything, because I know anything I say is just going to dig me deeper.

 

Dude. Just forget it. Seen this behavior a few times.

 

There is nothing right to say or do.

[Empyrea]

Well, I for one don't think her behaviour is off the charts weird or anything, but she definitely isn't super invested in your relationship. I mean, notice how she said "yes" to when OP asked if she wanted to be in this relationship, and yet she seems to be doing nothing to try to win him back over. And that text.. albeit not suspicious, it's just weird to post that. Unless she posts stuff like that all the time, but still. Maybe just the concert info bit, if she wanted to express excitement over an artist she's a big fan of or something. These things are also really easy to over escalate when you're in the early stages of a relationship and haven't seen each other face to face for a while. Insecurities play up over text and social media and overthinking and not being able to read another person. So take that into account as well.

 

Nevertheless, it does sound a bit like she's not super invested, kind of having second thoughts, but not really conscious of it, so she's doing that thing where she's pushing your buttons to make you break up with her. Maybe. So just do it, or suggest you take a break or something. It's unlikely she'll fight for you, but she might reconsider once she feels like she might really lose you? I dunno.

[CalvinM]

Is it possible that I overreacted here?

 

I think it's a legitimate concern to feel that two weeks without seeing each other could cause our connection to suffer. But if she's actually sick (and I have no reason to believe she isn't), it would seem plausible that she wouldn't want me to see her in such a vulnerable state so early in the relationship.

[Cinnamonstix]

If she hasn't seen you in two weeks but they are well enough to go to work, etc., she doesn't want to bad enough. She is likely keeping you around to fill a void or until something better comes along.

[SummerDreams]

I don't know how young people are nowadays but when I was dating my bf like 5 years ago we used to get together every day after work, spend 5-6 hours together, sleep late and do this all over again the next day. Our first real date I was sick but still I went to meet him. Bottom like, if someone wants to see you, they'll make the world spin in order to see you. I'm sorry to say but this girl is not that into you. She better prefers something casual, a guy who will come when she is free from everything else. When you start having doubts and worries about a relationship, they usually are valid. Trust your gut.

[Divasu]

Calvin, the girl you are dating (or were dating), sounds like my twin. I can fully relate to her and where she is coming from.

 

As an outside observer I think both you and she are contributing to the demise of this very EARLY relationship. Maybe her a bit more than you, she seems tormented almost (through no fault of your own). Whereby, she spreads herself to thin in matters such as work, friends, family, personal hobbies, personal development, health, and love/ intimate relationship included.

 

She sounds like a caregiver personality type, with a touch of OCD and perfectionism. (I should know, and it is both a curse and a blessing).

 

Can you see how this adds to, or shall I say, interferes with the natural rhythm between two people? I'm confident you already do.

 

As for the individuals assensing personality types through 3rd party means, observe at your own will, but your assessment is hogwash.

 

Sometimes in life, we find ourselves in a relationship at a younger age that we should have never been in. One that causes explicit damage. It takes a very long time to reverse those damages and the last thing anybody needs is to be persecuted for that. Everyone's experience is different.

 

It takes time and commitment to overcome our demons, and every now and then we may relapse. Some relapses are harder than others.

 

To put my comments into perspective, look only you can determine what is best for you. You sound extremely devoted and concerned for her (maybe a wee bit on the excessive side), and in turn you expect to be met half way. Understandably so.

 

It does become a problem when you're still standing at the side of the road waiting because then you become vulnerable to "doormatedness'. And then you'll be the person acting like she has in your next relationship. Cycle.

 

I can tell you that some of the assumptions that have been made in this thread are most likely not accurate, if she is anything like I am (I could write a book covering the subject).

 

In trying get to keep this short, yes, she should be spending more time with you, yes she should scale back on the items that cause you uneasiness. It's a transition that needs to happen almost organically, with a touch of intervention. I know it's hard not to take it personally but trust me when I say when some women fall in love very hard, it is so intense that they themselves cannot handle it properly.

 

As for her being sick, let me tell you several years ago I acquired some kind of septic shock, I'm not sure exactly what because I'm still seeing doctors and having tests done. And working with infectious disease specialists because I continually have been getting sick. While I do not have all my test results back the doctors tend to believe at this juncture I have what's called family Mediterranean fever, though I was recently diagnosed with acute bronchitis due to bacteria (whopping cough) which is something that I have not acquired before. Combined with the fact that I had a severe allergic reaction to zithromax and almost round up in the ER.

 

(I AM only including this information to try to give you a better idea/ picture to compare to your girlfriend). I hope some of it has helped.

[katiegrl]

Calvin, I think she's playing you dude, sorry.

 

Get out now with your dignity and self-respect in tact.

 

Come on now.....

[AndOrchid]

Is it possible that I overreacted here?

 

I think it's a legitimate concern to feel that two weeks without seeing each other could cause our connection to suffer. But if she's actually sick (and I have no reason to believe she isn't), it would seem plausible that she wouldn't want me to see her in such a vulnerable state so early in the relationship.

 

No, you didn't overreact. She did agree to see you in her "vulnerable" state on Tuesday, didn't she? Now, if you haven't seen someone you like in 2 weeks and you get a chance, would you limit the time to 1 hour? Because she had to make dinner? She could have asked you to pick up something for dinner if she actually wanted to spend time with you. Sounds like she was offering the bare minimum just to pacify you.

 

Her interest level does not match yours.