If I could just go back and change that one moment😕...

[Tayla]

Good luck Op, you sound pleased with him , just create a blog or do as some posters here do and create a thread of sorts such as "my experience as an affair partner updates" this allows you to share, stand your ground and dismiss anyone who brings forth common sense. We have anonymity here so its improbable anyone will recognize you in your community by posting here. What do you care anyway if someone knows ? Hindsight maybe 20 /20 but when an adult deliberately chooses wrong and harms others... there in lays a huge glitch. Fix it.

[WestEndGirl]

you're telling me that you've experienced the devastation of being betrayed, and yet you are happily inflicting the same heartbreak on another person??? this is some seriously some twisted sh*t.

 

It wasn't that devastating -- only to my ego, perhaps. I didn't like to look like a fool in front of my friends and family. Also, my ex's A threatened my financial stability, and that was a big deal at the time, because I couldn't have had the same lifestyle as I would on my own.

 

I wasn't in love with my exH anymore. I had no intention of having sex with him again. Neither of us were happy with our M. We had been leading separate lives for years. I felt no desire or moral imperative to "work" on it just because society drilled it into me that I "had" to. I couldn't expect him to remain celibate and alone for the rest of his natural life. That's preposterous.

 

Also, while divorce is tragic, it's not the end of the world. I married someone who was not the right life partner for me--we outgrew each other.

 

I know this isn't what I'm "supposed" to say, but it's honest.

[jbrent890]

if i may ask, what was done when you "turned yourself in?" what i mean is, what measures did your spouses take for this horrible situation NOT to continue, because it seems that both your spouses pretty much rugswept the whole thing and were wishing this away. without proper consequences for the both of you, this affair has just continued on it's way.

 

there should've been some exposure and stern decisions/actions taken. this is why your spouses continue to be betrayed by both of you. what's even worse is that fact that it seems that the two couple were "friends" of some kind... that is the worst kind of betrayal.

 

 

sorry, but your story isn't any different from the countless people who post here. i tell you this only to wake you up and take some responsibility for you actions. you, as with many here, are romanticizing this "relationship' because it is feeding you a need that you lack in your marriage. that being said, it's not your husbands fault you are being unfaithful- that's all on you.

 

I whole heartedly agree with what Artie has stated. It kind of seems like after you confessed, you hoped that it would bring you and your husband closer together. Sadly, affairs have the opposite reaction. Unless both parties are willing to put the work in, the marriage crumbles. It appears your husband's rugsweeping and you not doing the work to heal your marriage have brought you to your current predicament. Now there are some posters here that are eluding to the fact that you are getting more attached is because of your marriage failing (not surprised, this is loveshack). Truthfully, I believe the opposite is occurring. You getting more attached to your AP is causing your marriage to fail. I think your AP is pulling away because he senses the dynamic is about to change. If your marriage ends, that means that you are single and different expectation will have to be met. I don't think your AP wants to leave his marriage, but wants extra ego kibbles. I don't see the APs wife leaving him, but I do see your husband leaving you if things don't change. Unfortunately, WWs are usually the ones that lose everything. I apologize for the 2x4, but your fence sitting right now.

 

Listen, I'm not trying to be harsh, but as others have said, your situation really is not unique. I have seen plenty of stories involving women in your situation and see most of them end up with nothing in return. No husband, no AP, and a demolished family and reputation. You can change that if you want to, but you have to be willing to put the work in. It starts with ending this affair for good.

[WestEndGirl]

Listen, I'm not trying to be harsh, but as others have said, your situation really is not unique. I have seen plenty of stories involving women in your situation and see most of them end up with nothing in return. No husband, no AP, and a demolished family and reputation. You can change that if you want to, but you have to be willing to put the work in. It starts with ending this affair for good.

 

Agree with those first two sentences whole-heartedly. I think that finding this forum and reading all of the stories shed a lot of light onto my own situation, which is certainly not unique in any way, shape or form -- although I thought it was.

 

As for the rest of it ... there's no shame in not having a H. Families are not "demolished" by divorce; they are torn apart by lack of love and consideration. Believe me, no child wants his/her parents to stay together, if they don't love each other, if there's tension in the home.

 

You can only do so much "work". How much "work" do you want to put into this? Do you really think you'll get back to a manageable place in your M? That's why I say, forget about your AP for a while and focus on your LT future. That's what's at stake here -- not the A. Not some man who may or may not be around 20 years from now.

[Marc878]

Again thank you all. Wow! Some very good information to get myself thinking.

I heard from him, I knew I would, nothing crazy was going on, I should've just emailed him..I whipped myself into a frenzy. I know what he was thinking. He doesn't want to be adding to my confusion with what's going on with H. A little more communication in that would've been good...But that's what I'm asking for being in this A. I know that: ( there's more to what happened yesterday.

I'm not ready for NC. But at least I'm trying to start thinking rationally again. And yes, I am the kind of person who needs lots of other people in my life. I've never really considered that to be a bad thing though. Interesting. I'm pretty independent too though.

None of that's really important right now. What I'm wracking my brain over is the huge amount of emotional disaster at stake here. No matter what the outcome, someone is going to get very hurt. It paralyzes me that thought.

I really don't want to hurt my H, my kids. I really don't want to hurt AP.

Reading and writing here helps.

I knows it's a little late to ask this, but do you ever worry you'll be recognized by the details you share here?

Thank you all again

Ugh

 

You have no idea what's coming or any way to ever comprehend the fallout and destruction this is going to cause. You are to wrapped up in yourself and OM. Things like this rarely just go away. Under the circumstances it may be better to just get a divorce and never let H or family know. Why put them through that? It seems like you're 100% done anyway

[whichwayisup]

Affairs hurt innocent people! Your husband, his wife and ALL the innocent kids involved. You don't want to be the bad guy but you've put yourself IN a situation where you are going to be viewed as one by your H and his W. And MM will also be viewed as the bad guy by your H and his W.

 

This is a ticking time bomb waiting to go off and when that does happen it won't be pretty.

 

And yes, I am the kind of person who needs lots of other people in my life. I've never really considered that to be a bad thing though.

 

Actually this could be something to look into. You seem to need to have people around all the time. Do you ever have 'alone' time? Do you rely on others to complete you, make you feel happy and loved?

[Ms. Faust]

I say this without any maliciousness, but if you can't go 8 hours without hearing from him I suggest you find something of a hobby.

 

8 hours is a work shift. You shouldn't be "falling apart" over it.

 

Have you examined any co-dependency issues you may have? You sound kind of needy.

[whichwayisup]

Can you go 8 hours without hearing from your husband? Do you get anxious and freak out if you don't?

 

You're way too emotionally invested and attached to this MM. I

[Ohmyohmy]

Please no more beating me up about being needy, needing a hobby...I have a big family, a job, friends, hobbies...I'm not the total loser I was being judged to be...I need the support that can be found here by others who have lived this experience...I know A is wrong, I'm not a bad person, I'm hurting so bad...I wish I never let my self feel so deeply for this person...he's a good person too. We just made really bad decisions about how to handle what was missing in our M's.

 

After a lot of soul-searching this weekend, things getting worse with H, not being able to escape guilt and getting real with myself over how crazy addicted I've become to him..,I've decided to go NC with AP. I reached out to a new MC and I'm going to try to "do the right thing" for my family. If it doesn't help I'll know that I/we at least tried.

 

AP and I have gone NC twice before, Im having a hard time stopping crying. know I can get better...it seems so much harder than last time(which was a little over a year ago). I'm realizing that my whole day was planned around times we would email and call...a whole year of planning my life around his)he says he wants to be respectful of my wishes to do the right thing for our families. He isn't happy about it but he understands....I will not break NC...praying he stays strong for us and doesn't reach out.

It's terrible the feeling of "loss" even though I know, I know...he wasn't really mine to begin with...

 

I didn't share this before but he is my neighbor. I think I need a lobotomy!!

[WestEndGirl]

Please no more beating me up about being needy, needing a hobby...I have a big family, a job, friends, hobbies...I'm not the total loser I was being judged to be...I need the support that can be found here by others who have lived this experience...I know A is wrong, I'm not a bad person, I'm hurting so bad...I wish I never let my self feel so deeply for this person...he's a good person too. We just made really bad decisions about how to handle what was missing in our M's.

 

What is missing in your M will always be missing, OP. That's what you must come to terms with.

 

Remember, I was also a BS at one point. It was very difficult for me to see straight when my H cheated--you know, worried about my social standing, ego issues, and especially osing out on the money--but there was NO WAY my former M would have ever been good again. Not before H's A, and not after it. Tolerable? Maybe. It was what it was, and it was ... over.

 

I'm a hardliner when it comes to As. I believe, firmly, that if you are a married person and you have one, you get a divorce ASAP. To do anything else it pure selfishness.

 

There is no getting better. Never. You owe it to yourself, and to the BS, and especially to your kids, to leave and make a better life.

[Ohmyohmy]

What is missing in your M will always be missing, OP. That's what you must come to terms with.

 

Remember, I was also a BS at one point. It was very difficult for me to see straight when my H cheated--you know, worried about my social standing, ego issues, and especially osing out on the money--but there was NO WAY my former M would have ever been good again. Not before H's A, and not after it. Tolerable? Maybe. It was what it was, and it was ... over.

 

I'm a hardliner when it comes to As. I believe, firmly, that if you are a married person and you have one, you get a divorce ASAP. To do anything else it pure selfishness.

 

There is no getting better. Never. You owe it to yourself, and to the BS, and especially to your kids, to leave and make a better life.

 

Thank you WestEnd. I found a new MC, I feel like I should try at least one more time to see if there is any reconciling possible. Maybe I was expecting too much out of M? Maybe I need to learn to be responsible for my own happiness and not rely on H? If I didn't have my children to think of, maybe it would be easier to just move on. But my youngest is still in grade school and i know it would destroy her. Plus, is it possible that I've been dissolutionEd, thinking that MM/AP was my "soulmate" and all that lovey dovey stuff we believed about each other.

 

First step, I'm trying to end A...day one...but I'm trying. MM has not broken NC which is huge....I know it's silly but that's how intertwined we were.

Do you think trying to reconcile my M out of the question? Even with kids involved?

 

I stopped crying. Going to set a timer to not check phone.

My life is too busy to just crawl up in a ball and give up.

Thanks again for listening to my pathetic obsessive venting

This helps

[Dylon]

I did wanted to reply earlier suggesting you not to stop your posting because of the hard feedbacks. I know sometimes the comments are tough. Nevertheless, it's a good way to release a bit of emotion here by posting and listening. It will take sometimes to ride through periods of NC, on and off. Each effort yield something new for the next NC. I went through many and each time it was longer and longer. Eventually, you see it working and there seems to be hope. In the meantime, emotions are difficult to control. You don't want to do anything. You want to scream, yell. Listen to really sad music and take walk somewhere quiet and just let it all out. It really helps. I hope your H is supportive. It's the key for him to give you the attention. You however, must go to him too so the exchange can happen. I don't know how much time you can spend with him, but the more the better. Let's hope the bonding between you two can bring back some sanity into the situation and it hurts less. One step at a time. Keep posting of how you feel each day. Yes, there's going to be harsh reply and there will be those that just listen. You start to have the will so it's a big step.

[gettingstronger]

I'm wondering, for your own personal growth, if you've given much thought to

 

 

How your dislike of the wife played a role in your decision to get involved with her husband

 

How you now view her actions/personality knowing how difficult a person her husband can be

 

Kind of the chicken and the egg type thing.

[Ohmyohmy]

I did wanted to reply earlier suggesting you not to stop your posting because of the hard feedbacks. I know sometimes the comments are tough. Nevertheless, it's a good way to release a bit of emotion here by posting and listening. It will take sometimes to ride through periods of NC, on and off. Each effort yield something new for the next NC. I went through many and each time it was longer and longer. Eventually, you see it working and there seems to be hope. In the meantime, emotions are difficult to control. You don't want to do anything. You want to scream, yell. Listen to really sad music and take walk somewhere quiet and just let it all out. It really helps. I hope your H is supportive. It's the key for him to give you the attention. You however, must go to him too so the exchange can happen. I don't know how much time you can spend with him, but the more the better. Let's hope the bonding between you two can bring back some sanity into the situation and it hurts less. One step at a time. Keep posting of how you feel each day. Yes, there's going to be harsh reply and there will be those that just listen. You start to have the will so it's a big step.

 

Thank you Dylon! Thanks, I was expecting a little shaming : ( , and who really can possibly know the type of person I am based on posting here...so after a couple days really contemplating what people replied(good and bad) I decided to just keep pushing through. I don't know anyone else in real life that would understand my situation. That I could bounce ideas about this off of...

 

It's going to take a little while for my H and I to get back on the same page. He doesn't know that the A was still going on, so he has no idea why I'm so down today. Luckily my mom duties force me to keep moving and act "normal". Im thankful there was no D-day, I know it could've been a way worse ending. Setting a timer helps keeps from looking at my phone over and over...and over

But good suggestion to try and open up more with him. It's gonna be a slow process...

 

I miss MM, I can't lie...

[Dylon]

Yes it's tricky when he doesn't know. My wife changed after she knows and her support and attention really helped me. However, the reaction is not predictable and it could be the end for anyone in yours or my situation. Be well with your decision and know that you aren't the only one hurting. Sometimes I think maybe in some people's situation, they should scratch everything and start off with something fresh. Not to that extreme, but I try to do something really different to change the scenery. I take walks at different places and do things that I usually don't do. I wish I can change my job too. So see, I'm using my phone to read and write here instead of using my phone to check on her. It's a good distraction. Then the hours pass.

[Ohmyohmy]

I'm wondering, for your own personal growth, if you've given much thought to

 

 

How your dislike of the wife played a role in your decision to get involved with her husband

 

How you now view her actions/personality knowing how difficult a person her husband can be

 

Kind of the chicken and the egg type thing.

 

gettingstronger, thank you for your reply. I don't dislike his wife. She's the opposite of me personality wise which I always found very interesting, that he would choose to have interest in me.

our families are friends/neighbors. (I know, I feel awful every time I see her)(how I've betrayed her too)

I always knew they had struggled, for years, but I didn't know how "bad" things actually were between them(again I know I can only trust his side of this so much)

There was a period of time where my understanding of the situation led me to believe that she had shut him out and it was her behaviors that made things so difficult...fast forward to the past couple weeks...and yes, I can start to see how after years of living with him, frustration would lead to bigger problems. I'm I. The same boat so to speak. I guess some of the times when there was difficulty between AP and I, I blamed it on the dysfunctional communication that goes on in an A. I did point it out to him...but you know all the pacifying that goes on in an A, " you understand me like no one else", "you are so patient with me" "only you really get the stress I'm under"...you start to believe that about yourself and the relationship.... Oh my...

[whichwayisup]

Please no more beating me up about being needy, needing a hobby...I have a big family, a job, friends, hobbies...I'm not the total loser I was being judged to be...I need the support that can be found here by others who have lived this experience...I know A is wrong, I'm not a bad person, I'm hurting so bad...I wish I never let my self feel so deeply for this person...he's a good person too. We just made really bad decisions about how to handle what was missing in our M's.

 

You are putting words in my (our) mouths here. Nobody has called you a loser, you put that on yourself. I am not judging you, I asked an honest question to make you stop and think. Dig down deep and ask yourself tough questions to find out why you felt that way. People are giving you solutions to help, counseling and good advice.

After a lot of soul-searching this weekend, things getting worse with H, not being able to escape guilt and getting real with myself over how crazy addicted I've become to him..,I've decided to go NC with AP. I reached out to a new MC and I'm going to try to "do the right thing" for my family. If it doesn't help I'll know that I/we at least tried.

 

Maybe taking time for yourself away from both men will help. How can you put effort into your marriage and try to fix it when you want another man? Sorry but I think you're lying to yourself and by doing what's right isn't going to work because your heart isn't in it. It would be a false hope and lie to fix things unless you truly are giving up your MM and any fantasies of being his wife one day.

 

AP and I have gone NC twice before, Im having a hard time stopping crying. know I can get better...it seems so much harder than last time(which was a little over a year ago). I'm realizing that my whole day was planned around times we would email and call...a whole year of planning my life around his)he says he wants to be respectful of my wishes to do the right thing for our families. He isn't happy about it but he understands....I will not break NC...praying he stays strong for us and doesn't reach out.

It's terrible the feeling of "loss" even though I know, I know...he wasn't really mine to begin with...

 

I didn't share this before but he is my neighbor. I think I need a lobotomy!!

Move! Otherwise your marriage doesn't have a chance in hell. Sorry.

[Ms. Faust]

Please no more beating me up about being needy, needing a hobby...I have a big family, a job, friends, hobbies...I'm not the total loser I was being judged to be...

 

The only one who called you a loser was you. Please ask yourself why you are afraid to face the hard questions and facts. You unable to go 8 hours without having a panicking because he didn't call is not only debilitating it is also an unrealistic long term expectation for him. But why do you feel that way???

 

I don't feel you are doing enough for yourself. If that was the case then this:

 

I'm realizing that my whole day was planned around times we would email and call...a whole year of planning my life around his...

 

would never have happened.

 

We are not trying to be harsh, just laying out my advice without all of the "ooohhhh, it's ok, you'll be ok...." in between.

Edited November 18, 2015 by Ms. Faust

[Ohmyohmy]

The only one who called you a loser was you. Please ask yourself why you are afraid to face the hard questions and facts. You unable to go 8 hours without having a panicking because he didn't call is not only debilitating it is also an unrealistic long term expectation for him. But why do you feel that way???

 

You are right, no one used those words, I suppose that is just how it made me "feel". The comment did help though, because I did face it, the 8 hour thing, in any of my daily, healthy relationships I don't keep track at all. I am totally addicted to his/AP presence in a VERY unhealthy way. In the past year I have become a woman I do not recognize. I don't know why I have gotten so dependent on him. Even in our best years I have never been this dependent on my H for anything. I've always worked, educated myself, had interests, taken care of sick family members...the dysfunctional dynamics of the A have really changed me. And even as I type this, I honestly miss him. Screwed up I know...oh my.

 

I don't feel you are doing enough for yourself. If that was the case then this:

 

 

 

would never have happened.

 

My counselor points this out a lot, every time I'm there she asks me "what are YOU getting out of this" and " how will you take care of yourself"

I have major "caregiver" issues...I guess codependency?

 

We are not trying to be harsh, just laying out my advice without all of the "ooohhhh, it's ok, you'll be ok...." in between.

 

And I truly do appreciate anyone, paying any attention to this. Because otherwise I have to wait until my counseling appointment on Friday to get any support with this. So thank you, because even the things that hurt, made me really look at myself...

 

And I just made it through the worst hour of my day, by responding to your response. Because I would wait every night for him to get done work and get on the train...I did it...and I didn't die!! Success day one!

[Ohmyohmy]

still learning how to use this forum and I'm using my phone because I'm afraid to use our family computers...

[Ohmyohmy]

You are putting words in my (our) mouths here. Nobody has called you a loser, you put that on yourself. I am not judging you, I asked an honest question to make you stop and think. Dig down deep and ask yourself tough questions to find out why you felt that way. People are giving you solutions to help, counseling and good advice.

 

 

Maybe taking time for yourself away from both men will help. How can you put effort into your marriage and try to fix it when you want another man? Sorry but I think you're lying to yourself and by doing what's right isn't going to work because your heart isn't in it. It would be a false hope and lie to fix things unless you truly are giving up your MM and any fantasies of being his wife one day.

 

 

Move! Otherwise your marriage doesn't have a chance in hell. Sorry.

 

Thank you whichwayisup. I appreciate everything you said. And I know no one used the word "loser". Guess I feel really bad about myself...who am I anymore???

 

You are right, I'm not sure if my heart is in it(MC)right now. So I had an honest conversation with my H about continuing to give each other space before we go to MC again, it's two weeks away. I'm hoping that if I can keep NC with AP, I will come out of the "fog" a little and be able to make a more rational decision.

I truly value my family above anything else. And also, reading and reading and reading....other people's stories here have opened my eyes to the fact that (no matter what we talked about) the reality of leaving my M FOR AP/MM and planning for "LTP"(long-term plan-our code for being together in the long run) is a dysfunctional fantasy and a very risky long-shot...and I'm

Not a gambling type of gal...soooo oh my...

[Ohmyohmy]

another confession, anyone else have these things??

 

Specific times of the day that he always checked in? Parting from those habits?

I'm majorly having anxiety...they were 8-9am, 11:30-12, 3-330pm and ALWAYS 6-7pm....evenings were variable based on what was happening at home...

We always said good night to each other...that will be my next panic attack...i

 

But spilling my guts to you all is helping sorry for being a pathetic mess...

OH MY...

[C2681]

Don't worry it's better to spill than keep it locked inside. It messes with your head even more than you are already in there. Yes it happens 8am, 9-10am, throughout the day and then 4:30-6pm depending on how long it took to get home. I'm sorry you are going through this - as MW we get backlash but know you're not alone.

[Babs22]

another confession, anyone else have these things??

 

Specific times of the day that he always checked in? Parting from those habits?

I'm majorly having anxiety...they were 8-9am, 11:30-12, 3-330pm and ALWAYS 6-7pm....evenings were variable based on what was happening at home...

We always said good night to each other...that will be my next panic attack...i

 

But spilling my guts to you all is helping sorry for being a pathetic mess...

OH MY...

 

Just read your thread and trying to offer support. I can relate. I'm a MW in an A with a MM. I have two kids, youngest is late teens, MM has none. Neither of our spouses know about the A. I can relate to what a painful and difficult dilemma you are in. I basically got into the A for similar reasons as you. I feel like our A has gone through phases and the intensity has changed to a certain degree. First is was very intense, we text a lot and always made sure to text goodnight. Yes, it was difficult when those habits changed. Believe it or not, we are now down to only a few text a days. We see each other daily for about an hour or so through the week for a workout, but rarely on weekends. At first this reduction in texts and attention, was upsetting to me, but I have learned to accept that we both have things we need to focus on and could not have kept up that amount of contact.

 

I have realized that my MM will in all likelihood remain married and my M will soon end. My H is hurt that our M is ending, and I feel badly about that. I do not feel as though we are in love anymore, but before the A, I would have stayed and remained in that relationship, even not being happy because it was expected. I am now to the point of my M ending and also knowing I will be doing this alone. I am ok with that. I don't think it is fair or right to stay with someone unless you love them. My H deserves to be able to go find that love from someone else.

 

I am glad that you are looking into MC. At least you can give it one more shot to see if there is anything there worth saving. It is probably a difficult question to answer at this time since you are totally head over heals for your AP right now, but do you love your husband? You may need quite a bit of distance between you and your MM in order to answer that question. You have young children, that makes getting a D that much more difficult. I do think that if you want to save your M. You will probably need to move. I think it would be impossible to get over your MM when he lives right next store.

 

Also, I have a friend, a MW, in an A for nearly 3 years now. Her husband discovered the A about a month and a half ago. My friend was planning on ending her marriage when her youngest graduated (in about 2 years), but the A was discovered first. He first told the kids and then her parents. Currently, her children are angry, and she is not speaking to her parents, but she is very happy to be getting a divorce. She now wishes that she had just ended her marriage years ago. She knew the M was over, but just kept hanging on for the kids.

 

I guess what I am saying is that you need to take the time now for you to figure out what you want. Do not wait for things to just happen to you. Some of the end results could be very difficult (like a DDay). Do you love your H or do you want to stay married for the sake of your kids? If so, end the A now and work like hell on your marriage. If you truly do not want to be married, then get a D, but realize that you will most likely not end up with your AP. I realize none of these choices will be easy, but hope that you will be able to figure out what it is that you want.

[Krashi]

Look at you own marriage. Could this be the reason it died?

 

I thought this, as well. If things in the marriage have deteriorated, it seems likely that any normal BS is picking up on the indicia of an affair going on. With those tyoes of vibes hitting your husband, the gut feelings, your behavioral changes, etc, any normal spouse will start to withdraw or act strangely.