GingerVixen Posted December 29, 2015 Share Posted December 29, 2015 (edited) Hi everyone, A bit lost and scared and could really use some impartial advice right now. I've been engaged for about 4 months and am in the final few month countdown to marriage. I've been with him for four years and we live together, have done everything together since we met, share pets, and are fully integrated in to each other's family lives. He's my closest confident, supports me in everything I want to do professionally, trusts me (and vice versa), is attractive, intelligent, and very importantly a very kind and good-hearted man. But I've been panicking since he proposed. When people ask me in an attempt to help me work through my feelings if I love him I feel a bit numb and blank. I want to say yes and I don't know if it's the enormous stress I'm under professionally that's compounding things but I'm just so worried that in marrying him I'm missing the opportunity to be with the "perfect" partner. A lot of this stems from the importance I put on certain "worthy" careers that help people or make the world a better place (the bleeding heart career tracks as my friends jokingly call it.) I work in the charity sector and as much as I try to talk myself out of it, I find someone who is deeply passionate about having a lasting positive impact on the world very important. My fiance is very smart and could potentially one day do something really exciting in his field. I am struggling so much to figure out if this is a case of the grass is greener, if I'm idealising or putting on a pedestal people who might not deserve it and might not be a good partner. My head is all over the place. I've been in tears a lot recently. I just feel lost and all I want, more than anything in the world is to be sure about him and excited to get married. Any impartial advice or thoughts would be so gratefully received right now. Crucial question - Are you really afraid of getting married because you wish he did charity work OR is it because you're not that attracted or in love with him?? Because frankly, my dear, if you were truly head over heels for him , this whole charity thing would mean NOTHING for you. You would be blind. He would be perfect and you would undoubtedly want to marry him. Ask yourself if this isn't because you're simply not in love with him. My mother married my father because he was a good guy. A perfect boyfriend. Everybody loved him, even his mother in law, my grandmother, loved him and told my mother "You must not leave him!!! He is such a keeper!!!" Anyway... She married him feeling like she should break up with him. She never really wanted to marry him in the first place. She didn't feel IN LOVE WITH HIM. Long story short... She ended up marrying him because he was such a good man and everybody told her to marry him. And she ended up being very unhappy and their marriage is a mess right now and she wants to file for divorce. Think very well and good luck that because this is a very hard decision to make. Honestly... if you're in doubt if you should marry someone... You should never marry that person in the first place. You must marry someone you're crazy about, otherwise it's a waste of time Edited December 29, 2015 by GingerVixen Link to post Share on other sites
Author Worriedfiance246 Posted December 31, 2015 Author Share Posted December 31, 2015 Hi everyone, Just a quick note to thank you all again for your words of support and advice. A quick update - I got married three weeks ago. All of my anxieties which I posted about originally completely evaporated the second I saw him at the end of the aisle and now that all of the stress and build up is over, we're back to the life we've made and I couldn't be happier. Following our small family dinner after the ceremony we went back to our house, cuddled our dog and watched a terrible film and it was an instant realisation that a good dynamic doesn't change once you're married and your life before the wedding is more or less your life after the big day. I genuinely think this is the best decision I could have made as he's genuinely my best friend and I love him very much. Again, I just wanted to say how much I appreciated everyone's comments and for snapping me out of my anxiety frenzy that I was whipping myself in to. Hopefully I can repay the kindness to others on Loveshack. Hope everyone has a happy new year! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 Good for you! I am so glad. Congratulations dear! Many years of joy! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 A quick update - I got married three weeks ago. All of my anxieties which I posted about originally completely evaporated the second I saw him at the end of the aisle and now that all of the stress and build up is over, we're back to the life we've made and I couldn't be happier. Congratulations and best of luck. I know the times in my life when I've had the courage to confront my fears head on, the outcome has been uniformly positive. Hope you'll take the time here to similarly counsel others ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
KissKattBar Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 Don't know if I'm too late, but... I understand the feeling. I've been with my fiancé since our freshman year of high school. He's the only guy I've ever dated and I also wonder if I'm missing out on my perfect match. But I believe that you can fall in love with almost anyone. Love is a choice, and you have to put effort into any relationship. I found confirmation that I'm marrying the right guy because he's my best friend. At the end of the day, he's the one I want to talk to. If you ever doubt your love, just look for things in him that make you smile. Don't focus on the negative aspects because they'll get under your skin until they bug the hell out of you, and they'll pile up. Let the positive things pile up instead. Link to post Share on other sites
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