mrldii Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 OP, you don't have to change yourself to accept multi-dating. Just like I don't have to change myself to accept exclusive-dating from the first-meet as I don't know him well enough to store all my eggs in his little basket, yet. Personally, I only date men who are similarly-minded. My only suggestion is that you should date women who are similarly-minded, too. That way you don't have to accept something you don't want to...and neither does she. Best of luck to you...
oldshirt Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 Radar, you can stay within your own value system and follow your own moral code but don't get hung up on the vocabulary or what other people's definitions or concepts of "multi dating" is. I think the thing you need to keep in mind here is that at it's core dating is an interview and tryout/probationary period where we spend time with and do things with someone to get to know them and learn them with the purpose of determining if they are the person that you want to make a commitment with and have a home and family with. Dating by it's very nature is noncommittal. Either party has the option of ending the interview/probationary period at any time and walking away scott-free without prejudice or repercussion. There for dating is usually 'multi dating' whether we want to call it that or not because it is very rare to marry and live forever with the first person we date. If it goes against your moral compass to date one person on Monday and another on Tues then don't do that. But what I do think is important is for people to not make any serious commitments or enter into any exclusivity agreements until they consider their love interest as a serious candidate for marriage. Up until that time, it is best to keep one's options open and stay on the market. Whether that means dating one person at a time and letting them go when you realize they are not "the one" or whether you are spinning multiple plates is basically up to you and your own value system. The key feature either way is to keep options open until the time arrives to not consider other options and you are ready to take yourself off of the dating market and are looking towards engagement.
Leigh 87 Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 If you meet someone and there's a mutual spark and you're both excited about each other, there's no need to multi date....... I don't just give people a chance to begin with though; if I am meh or lukewarm about a guy, I don't see him again no matter how much he's into me......... I hold out for the instant magic where we are both super into each other from the outset. The best relationships I know are between two people who met, had amazing chemistry and just started dating; they were too caught up in each other to fathom dating others...... Multiple dating is for when you meet people who don't knock your socks off..... if you have to date 2 or 3 people at a time then you most definitely are not that into any of them..... It just doesn't take getting to know 2 or 3 people in order to "figure out" who you should date; the person who wows you and knocks your socks off is the person you will be happier rather than the person you have to "pick " out of others..... . My bf and are crazy about each other....the men I could multi date with are the men I don't feel sparks with and have no excitement surrounding.
Leigh 87 Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 Finding amazing mutual chemistry is rare. So once I find a guy I spark with, first of all: I am not going to meet ANOTHER guy I spark with at that level for a while.
TheBathWater Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 Hey everyone, I separated from my ex in mid August. And I started dating early October. I know, very fresh and probably stupid. Here is a thread from the girl I dated: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/556394-dating I got hurt. I'm kind of almost over it. I realize I need to work on myself maybe before dating and then like others are telling me, date multiple people. My issue is, and call me old fashioned, but I find it (for myself) very wrong to want to do that. I wish I had the mental game to not care about one girl I'm focused on and then just date another girl the following night or week, but I find it very insensitive. I realize the girl I saw (or will see down the road) will likely be doing the same thing, but I find it very unatrractive. What is wrong with me. And how am I supppose to find the right girl if I dont' play the field? Even speed dating (which I didn't even know what is was until buddy told me yesterday) seems very weird to me. Talk with a girl for 5 minutes, try to connect with her and then say see ya later. I'm going to talk with this other girl? WTF? More importantly, WTF is wrong with me? Nothing is 'wrong' with you. You are experiencing a difference between your own personal values and those which are dominant in the culture. I have been pleasantly surprised at how many women (okay, not many, but some) feel the same way, and tell me they don't like multi-dating or that they stopped considering other people as soon as they met me. That's great, and those are the type of women in my experience who are naturally more inclined toward getting into a relationship. Sure, some who multi-date also are looking for something long-term, but not all. However, all of the women I know who date one person at a time are looking for something long-term. You can proceed in a few ways probably. You could make it clear from day one of what you're all about and see what kind of response you get. You could also just use the first date as more of a meeting to see if you click, and then on the second date bring up that you don't like to multi-date and see what they say. Another option is for you to not multi-date and allow the women you see to continue meeting other people until they choose what they want. Finally, you could adapt to multi-dating and join the club, though there are no guarantees you will be a happy member. In any case, I feel you should honor your values, revise your approach only if you feel you are able to, and look for someone whose values are compatible with your own. Good luck. 1
truth_seeker Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I don't think multi-dating is normal! You're basically playing games, using people for your own needs. Person A) Like talking to them, go to movies Person B) Like going out to dinners, dance clubs Person C) like to f-ck You interact with a person based on your mood. It works for a lot of people but not for me. Someone eventually catches feelings and you have to break someone's heart. I'm a one woman man. 1
Author Radarsat Posted November 15, 2015 Author Posted November 15, 2015 I also don't agree with the statement, "It's fine if you don't muti-date but just know that the women are." Women are not programmed to want to date a handful of men. When we connect with someone, we stick with that ONE person. That's how biology wired us on a basic level. To produce off-spring and to find the strongest male to do that with. Males on a basic level are wired to sleep with and be with as many women as possible to ensure off-spring. As a woman, I'm not interested in many superficial relationships, I want ONE meaningful one. I completely agree with your approach. But I'll disagree with you on one thing. Not all of us males are wired to sleep with and be with as many women as possible. That's basically what I was getting at with this whole thread. I CAN'T be with multiple people, and because I'm a "guy", I wonder what is wrong with me? But I think I'm done. I've deleted Tinder, POF and OKCupid. I'm staying off there. If I ever find a woman again, it'll have to be a natural way and she'll have to come to me. I'm finished.
LostOne1 Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 I completely agree with your approach. But I'll disagree with you on one thing. Not all of us males are wired to sleep with and be with as many women as possible. That's basically what I was getting at with this whole thread. I CAN'T be with multiple people, and because I'm a "guy", I wonder what is wrong with me? But I think I'm done. I've deleted Tinder, POF and OKCupid. I'm staying off there. If I ever find a woman again, it'll have to be a natural way and she'll have to come to me. I'm finished. Or... you could meet women naturally.. but expect that you WILL have to put in some work. You can't expect her to do all of the work. It won't work that way at all. I've gotten to a point where I'm not really "looking" for anyone. And, I hear this is the best way to find someone. You find them when you least expect too. In fact the last 5 people I've talked to all said they met their SO when they least expected it. They didn't plan on meeting this person or even dating them. It just happened from one thing which led to another. 1
Buddhist Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 I've gotten to a point where I'm not really "looking" for anyone. And, I hear this is the best way to find someone. You find them when you least expect too. In fact the last 5 people I've talked to all said they met their SO when they least expected it. They didn't plan on meeting this person or even dating them. It just happened from one thing which led to another. And as much as you want to punch the person who tells you this. It's true. I had actually commited to being single the rest of my life. To such an extent I was about to build a house....for one. Then it happened while I was minding my own business and my life is now in disarray. In the nicest possible way of course. The quickest way to find a lifetime partner is to make serious plans to be single. Go ahead engage an architect to design your single person home, it will be money well wasted. 1
Author Radarsat Posted November 16, 2015 Author Posted November 16, 2015 (edited) And as much as you want to punch the person who tells you this. It's true. I had actually commited to being single the rest of my life. To such an extent I was about to build a house....for one. Then it happened while I was minding my own business and my life is now in disarray. In the nicest possible way of course. The quickest way to find a lifetime partner is to make serious plans to be single. Go ahead engage an architect to design your single person home, it will be money well wasted. I'm confused on this one. Maybe I'm just tired. So you found someone and your unhappy? Or just unhappy that you wasted money because you need a bigger place now? No offence to anyone on here who may be older, but at 37, with 2 young kids, I'm only 5'7", 210 pounds, bald, and have no close friends and not much time to make friends. I feel I'm doomed. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself right now, but I feel I have a pretty good reason to feel that way. I'm so scared right now for when my kids are older and I don't even have them around to keep me company. Edited November 16, 2015 by Radarsat grammar
Buddhist Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 I'm confused on this one. Maybe I'm just tired. So you found someone and your unhappy? Or just unhappy that you wasted money because you need a bigger place now? No offence to anyone on here who may be older, but at 37, with 2 young kids, I'm only 5'7", 210 pounds, bald, and have no close friends and not much time to make friends. I feel I'm doomed. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself right now, but I feel I have a pretty good reason to feel that way. I'm so scared right now for when my kids are older and I don't even have them around to keep me company. Not unhappy. It was my humorous take on that old adage that life happens when you are busy making other plans. I know it feels like a punch to the guts when happy people give you advice while you're down. But seriously I was you, I thought it was all over for me at 40 , nothing to look forward to relationship wise, no point to live except to have a nice existence and make peace with the idea of being lonely. So I did that, made peace with it. And then it all happened. There is no such thing as too old. You cant change your height or hair but you don't have to be 200lbs, doing something about that for your own health and well being will work a miracle. It will change how you feel, which is everything. You can keep feeling sorry for yourself if you want. I know I did for a long time. But one day you'll tire of soothing yourself with sadness and decide to live again. 1
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