dating

[Radarsat]

Hello everyone. Here's my situation: I'm a freshly separated 37 year old out of a 12 year marriage. We separated in mid August of this year. So it's very fresh I know and many of you might think I'm insane for dating this early. But I've been very lonely for a long long time.

 

I also had a moment of realization in late September that our separation was actually a good thing, I was becoming much happier and I could see how it was better for our two children.

 

As I said, I was lonely. So I jumped on Tinder to see if I could hook up with any woman who were not interested in any one night stands, but certainly not anything too serious either. Just want to date and see where things go.

 

I ended up matching with this amazing girl who actually works in the same building as I do (but different department with zero overlap). We work in a big organization and don't' see each other a lot. She's 10 years younger than me, but very mature for her age it seems. We've been on 5 dates together and we were intimate with each other on dates 3, 4 & 5. It was amazing!

 

But I haven't been able to connect with her (face to face) since last Friday. It's not even a week I know, but the issue seems to be texting. This girl is a little weird (imo) with initiating conversation via txt and then not replying when I respond to her. I'm talking like for hours sometimes. She will eventually reply but it's very delayed. Am I being stupid? Again, she starts most of the converstations but then is so very slow at getting back to my replies. I'm finding it frustrating but maybe I'm being too pushy/needy.

 

Also, I have two young kids and have shared custody 50/50 with ex. So I'm not always free. This girl I'm seeing was supposed to see me last night cancelled on me because she needed to clean her apartment with her room mate because a relative was coming to visit her tonight. Every night I suggest something she seems to become suddenly busy. Like this Friday, she was free but when my schedule changed and my Friday opened up I suggested it to her but she said she couldn't because she had plans with her parents that night. Friday night with the parents / Romantic night with new guy? Okay, perhaps I'm just really getting attached and too needy?

 

She did end up recently (last week) getting a new apartment which she takes possession of next month. So I do get she's busy packing/finding new furniture etc. But for someone who has just started dating someone and who has been intimate with me 3 times already, am I being too needy by suggesting she may be trying to avoid me? Or is she possibly dating others maybe and doesn't want to tell me? She did tell me early on that she wants me to be able to be free to date others if I want to. And that she feels that good relationships progress organically and we'll have that conversation when the time is right with regard to becoming exclusive. I told her I thought she should be able to date others too, but I never really got a response from that.

 

I do know that she is "looking for someone to start her life with".

 

Thoughts anyone?

[scooby-philly]

Ok,

 

That's a lot of information - and that's not a bad thing - usually most posters write two lines and then expect 10 years worth of psychotherapy in response.

 

I'm not an expert on dating by any stretch of the imagination. Normally I would say you need to see more of what happens before YOU can reach a conclusion. Even with everything you shared, we don't pick up on the nuances of your conversations, dates, texts, etc. But I think two things you said make my "spidey sense" tingle.

 

First, she initiates texts but then doesn't respond. I've dated (2 years, 1 year, 12 dates, 5 dates, etc) enough to know that texting habits and expectations are all over the place. For me, I like communicating and I respond and expect a response back in a timely manner on IMPORTANT things - plans, personal news, etc. Early on it's important to get that cleared up. A lot of people only reply to texts and never initiate them. In this case it seems you got the reverse. REgardless, if she initiates and then doesn't respond she's not really "building" that organic relationship with you. Either she is dating someone else, she has issues going on, or she has a strong, bad feeling she can't shake about the two of you. You do have to consider her schedule - I mean I work a creative office job with meetings and tight deadlines on certain projects - so some days I can indulge in more casual conversations while most days I need to get my stuff done so I'm not working at night. However, I do believe that you don't initiate what you can't finish. If she's 25-27 she's old enough by now to realize you don't start talking if you can't respond - unless you say "hey...got to go"...it just seems weird

 

Related, the whole "you can see other people thing".....early on that's okay - but tied in with the whole "I have plans with my parents on a Friday".... that's a bit much SINCE....she didn't offer alternatives. I mean, not everyone has a raging social life and some people do enjoy their families. Not everyone is a Manhattan socialite. That said in this case if she was really, really interested she'd offer an alternative.

 

So these two things lead me to believe either she is seeing someone else or is hesitating about spending time with you for one reason or another.

 

Moving forward, you need to determine if you really want her if you do I'd:

 

1. Explain her behavior's impact on you in a gentle, could you try doing this sort of way - reply sooner or give me a heads up you can't...give alternatives if our schedules conflict

 

2. Let her do more work - seriously. Don't be rude, don't "ghost", just put more of the onus on her. You've already gotten to date 5 and to the sack together, but the thing is....if she's really interested in "starting a life" with someone she'll prove it.

 

 

I feel for you. ended a crazy 1 year relationship with someone back in July and just met someone who's 12 years younger (I'm 34, she's 22). But we seem to click and I'm leaving the door open to see what happens - but she's got to prove/work

 

Keep us posted

[Radarsat]

Ok,

 

That's a lot of information - and that's not a bad thing - usually most posters write two lines and then expect 10 years worth of psychotherapy in response.

 

I'm not an expert on dating by any stretch of the imagination. Normally I would say you need to see more of what happens before YOU can reach a conclusion. Even with everything you shared, we don't pick up on the nuances of your conversations, dates, texts, etc. But I think two things you said make my "spidey sense" tingle.

 

First, she initiates texts but then doesn't respond. I've dated (2 years, 1 year, 12 dates, 5 dates, etc) enough to know that texting habits and expectations are all over the place. For me, I like communicating and I respond and expect a response back in a timely manner on IMPORTANT things - plans, personal news, etc. Early on it's important to get that cleared up. A lot of people only reply to texts and never initiate them. In this case it seems you got the reverse. Regardless, if she initiates and then doesn't respond she's not really "building" that organic relationship with you. Either she is dating someone else, she has issues going on, or she has a strong, bad feeling she can't shake about the two of you. You do have to consider her schedule - I mean I work a creative office job with meetings and tight deadlines on certain projects - so some days I can indulge in more casual conversations while most days I need to get my stuff done so I'm not working at night. However, I do believe that you don't initiate what you can't finish. If she's 25-27 she's old enough by now to realize you don't start talking if you can't respond - unless you say "hey...got to go"...it just seems weird

 

Related, the whole "you can see other people thing".....early on that's okay - but tied in with the whole "I have plans with my parents on a Friday".... that's a bit much SINCE....she didn't offer alternatives. I mean, not everyone has a raging social life and some people do enjoy their families. Not everyone is a Manhattan socialite. That said in this case if she was really, really interested she'd offer an alternative.

 

So these two things lead me to believe either she is seeing someone else or is hesitating about spending time with you for one reason or another.

 

Moving forward, you need to determine if you really want her if you do I'd:

 

1. Explain her behavior's impact on you in a gentle, could you try doing this sort of way - reply sooner or give me a heads up you can't...give alternatives if our schedules conflict

 

2. Let her do more work - seriously. Don't be rude, don't "ghost", just put more of the onus on her. You've already gotten to date 5 and to the sack together, but the thing is....if she's really interested in "starting a life" with someone she'll prove it.

 

 

I feel for you. ended a crazy 1 year relationship with someone back in July and just met someone who's 12 years younger (I'm 34, she's 22). But we seem to click and I'm leaving the door open to see what happens - but she's got to prove/work

 

Keep us posted

 

Okay, here's an update. And thank you for your reply! Still haven't been on another date with her. Mind you, for that Friday where she had plans with her parents, she did say to me that "next week should work". I replied to her telling her that I have a busy week (this week) with a couple of meetings and may be meeting a friend for drinks. I didn't want to give her impression that I had no life and that any day would work. I told her I'd keep her posted. I wish I hadn't done that now. Because now I'm thinking it's in my court. But every time I propose something, she's busy and I'm afraid to tell her, "so, I'm available these two nights if your free", because I don't want to be rejected again. Am I being stupid?

 

Also, the texting is insane with her! I realize searching the internet about this online that it's a common issue many guys (and girls) have with dating, but my god, I don't get why she initiates texting and then disappears. Last night she said she was going to bed and she would text me tomorrow. So I said cool, goodnight.

 

Today, I waited until about 10 AM and texted her. Perhaps I shouldn't have. She didn't reply until 12 PM, which is fine (she was busy with meetings), but she asks me "how are you?". I waited 15 min to respond so that I didn't look too insanely needy waiting for her text, and I said, "Np. (regarding her late reply), I'm great today. Although it was cold this morning eh?" I get nothing in return. It's been about an hour and a half. WTF? I realize we're both at work but really? I think I saw her in the cafeteria of our building today and I'm pretty sure I saw her with her phone. Again, I don't want to sound controlling or too whiny about this, but I'm starting to think I should maybe forget about her and move on before I get seriously hurt. Or should I just chill out? As I said, we have had sex 3 times. It was awesome. No complaints there.

 

Related to that actually, and perhaps this is the issue?...I'm on SSRI medication (cipralex) and since I've been intimate again (nothing with ex for past 2 years!!!!) I've noticed that I'm having difficulty reaching climax. For example, I lasted about 4-5 hours the first time me and this new girl had sex! And I sort of climaxed. Not fully. 2nd time I did without a hitch...not sure why. 3rd time I couldn't at all. But I was totally into it and totally attracted to her. Did some homework and realized it's the SSRI's. I told her after the 3rd time in bed that I don't always have to reach "happy land". I said I know it's weird, but it's certainly not her. Could this have scared her off? One of my friends (who is a girl) said no way, that's not it. If I did scare her with that, why does she keep texting me? And then dissapear of course?

 

Do I even bother telling her that I'm free this weekend if she's interested in dinner again?

Edited November 10, 2015 by Radarsat
Thread title change

[Radarsat]

bump bump!

[GemmaUK]

A Chill out

B What is SSRI?

C I couldn't be bothered to google it...sorry..

[Radarsat]

A Chill out

B What is SSRI?

C I couldn't be bothered to google it...sorry..

 

Really man? Thanks for nothing. SSRI are antidepressants, which is why I put Cipralex in brackets after SSRI.

 

And if I could chill out I would. Thanks for your help.

[schiller]

You sound rather hyper, although it's hard to tell sometimes through forum posts.

 

Are you anxious by nature? If so think about changing to an Antidepressant that has strong anti-anxiety components as well.

 

This reminds me of a woman I dated briefly when I was "out there" and actively meeting women, in between relationships.

 

We went out a few times, screwed on the second date, so I figured she liked me, but she was doing the same thing yours is doing- not showing any enthusiasm or willingness to meet. So me, being much less high strung than you, said to myself, fine, I'm not waiting around for her to call me, I went back online and continued dating other women. I heard from her a handful of times, never with any enthusiasm, I just sort of went with the conversation but didn't offer up any future dates, and things just fizzled out.

 

I'm not one to chase and I suggest you do the same.

[Radarsat]

You sound rather hyper, although it's hard to tell sometimes through forum posts.

 

Are you anxious by nature? If so think about changing to an Antidepressant that has strong anti-anxiety components as well.

 

This reminds me of a woman I dated briefly when I was "out there" and actively meeting women, in between relationships.

 

We went out a few times, screwed on the second date, so I figured she liked me, but she was doing the same thing yours is doing- not showing any enthusiasm or willingness to meet. So me, being much less high strung than you, said to myself, fine, I'm not waiting around for her to call me, I went back online and continued dating other women. I heard from her a handful of times, never with any enthusiasm, I just sort of went with the conversation but didn't offer up any future dates, and things just fizzled out.

 

I'm not one to chase and I suggest you do the same.

 

Hyper? Really? Okay, well I'll take it for what it is I guess.

 

Am I an anxious person? Yes, I definitely am. I worry a lot. Too much I know.

 

Perhaps I'm just not ready to date. I'd love to be able to date more than one girl, but I seriously don't know if I have the personality to do that. Call me old fashioned, but I just don't like to do that. Therefore, maybe I need to just take time for myself and forget women right now if I can't handle dating. Not sure if I ever will to be truthful. I think it's possible I'm trying to fill the void that I have had for many years (ex and I were not affectionate or loving for years) and I can't expect a girl I've gone out with 5 times to be ready for that, despite the fact she says "I'm ready to start my life with someone".

[schiller]

Am I an anxious person? Yes, I definitely am.

 

It shows. And if it shows through a handful of forum posts, you can bet it shows in "real life".

 

Find ways to burn it off, exercise is one. Meds are another.

 

I don't think it has anything to do with being ready to date. Although dating is anxiety producing for sure, so if you're already racheted up, you can expect it to get worse.

 

As far as multidating- I dated several women at a time when I wasn't in a relationship. It's the only practical way to do things especially with online dating when there's so much availability. Odds are she's doing the same so why put all your eggs in one basket.

 

Then again she had sex with you. That's usually a sign they want to get more serious but of course not always.

 

Case by case sorta thing.

[Radarsat]

It shows. And if it shows through a handful of forum posts, you can bet it shows in "real life".

 

Find ways to burn it off, exercise is one. Meds are another.

 

I don't think it has anything to do with being ready to date. Although dating is anxiety producing for sure, so if you're already racheted up, you can expect it to get worse.

 

As far as multidating- I dated several women at a time when I wasn't in a relationship. It's the only practical way to do things especially with online dating when there's so much availability. Odds are she's doing the same so why put all your eggs in one basket.

 

Then again she had sex with you. That's usually a sign they want to get more serious but of course not always.

 

Case by case sorta thing.

 

Man, you are absolutely right. I just wish I could emulate your attitude. Not there AT ALL. I have been thinking of exercising more. I'm walking like crazy, but perhaps I need to get into weights and a true workout regime. I'm also not eating right now. I feel horrible about my weight and I feel no appetite at all. That's probably not helping my mood.

[Radarsat]

Well, I ended up proposing to her Friday/Saturday night for dinner. She ended telling me that a lot is going on in her life right now and because she truly cares about me and still does want to see me, she feels she needs to be honest with me. She's moving soon and has a lot going on in her job. I do understand that. But I'm confused because she said she wanted to start her life with someone. She was also honest with me saying that based on my recent separation and what I have told her (told her in beginning I don't want to committ right away) that she thinks I'm right (wish I hadn't said that) and maybe i'm not a good fit for her as a partner at the moment. Doesn't mean she doesn't want to hang out and still have "fun". These are her words. And she knows that I'm good "****" as she put it and that I care about her a lot, but she just doesn't know that it's fair to me because she can't even make time for her friends right now. Again, her words.

 

Someone I know (who is a friend of hers) tells me that I should let her lead and take a step back, which I will do. But it hurts. It really does. Maybe that's a sign I'm not ready to date anyone yet. But ****, I'm so lonely. I feel like I don't even have any friends to lean on. It's not completely true, I do have some friends. But I wouldn't say I have a go to person or a real close close friends to seek help/advice.

 

I'm starting to feel those suicidal thoughts again, which I know is ****ing ridiculous.

[Toodaloo]

Step back.

 

You are rebounding and you don't know it.

 

Concentrate on gym, walking, your kids etc. FFS eat properly. You can't date unless you are strong both mentally and physically. the first to take the blows the second to keep up with the initial burst of bedroom antics.

 

There will be a few like this before you settle again. Just relax. You met this one, you can meet more.

[schiller]

She's just not into you.

 

Sorry but that's how it goes with the dating game.

 

Don't let it discourage you get right back out there!

[Radarsat]

She's just not into you.

 

Sorry but that's how it goes with the dating game.

 

Don't let it discourage you get right back out there!

 

I know your right. But because of that, I'm not sure I'm cut out to be with someone again. I just don't think i have the mental state to handle it, nor do I think I will ever get there. I really thought I was over the suicidal thoughts, which I know is ridiculous over one girl I've dated/slept with. I wish I could relax. I'm just so fed up with this ****ing life.

 

Thanks everyone.

[schiller]

I know your right. But because of that, I'm not sure I'm cut out to be with someone again. I just don't think i have the mental state to handle it, nor do I think I will ever get there. I really thought I was over the suicidal thoughts, which I know is ridiculous over one girl I've dated/slept with. I wish I could relax. I'm just so fed up with this ****ing life.

 

Thanks everyone.

 

Please stop beating yourself up.

 

She's only one girl and she had sex with you.

 

It's not like you can't meet and attract women.

 

If you've got depression (and I'm no stranger to that) it can take a relatively minor setback to send you back down but it shouldn't last long. Just know it's your mind messing with you and it's not REAL.

 

I still think you need to explore an alternate medication. Such as Cymbalta. I speak from experience there.

[seekingluck]

About the texting? You would hate me. I generally do not text back quickly unkess my phone happens to be in my habd. At work my phone sits at my desk and i go to meetings all day. So you probably won't get a text from me during the work day unless it is lunch time and I am in the mood to text back.

 

My phone stays in my purse when I am out and i ignore the notifications unless i am expecting word about something or whoever I am meeting is running late. I will respind fast if I am taking transit. Or in an elevator but tbat is it.

 

I do not really like texting.

 

And there is no rhyme or reason to my response time.

[Toodaloo]

I know your right. But because of that, I'm not sure I'm cut out to be with someone again. I just don't think i have the mental state to handle it, nor do I think I will ever get there. I really thought I was over the suicidal thoughts, which I know is ridiculous over one girl I've dated/slept with. I wish I could relax. I'm just so fed up with this ****ing life.

 

Thanks everyone.

 

Right now your not. Your like a boxer trying to go into a championship fight the day after a street brawl with 20 others... It is not going to happen.

 

You need to heal and build up your strength again. That is why you take time. Get some hobbies and things you like to do. Build up your network of friends and try new things.

 

They way you are now is why rebounds are not a good idea for anyone involved.

 

Give yourself a month, check and see how you are. Then if you need to give yourself another month, check how you are again. Just keep working on your physical and mental health before you worry about anything else. Trust me on this.

 

Also remember that nothing is set in stone. I often deactivate my online accounts just because I want a break and I am a bit fed up with messing about meeting new people all the time. I just take a breather, concentrate on myself then get back to it when I am ready. Its fine to do that.

 

What is not fine is putting undue stress and pressure on yourself. Thats what is happening right now. Its not working out. So stop for a bit, have a cup of tea and a digestive. Pop your feet up and just figure out how you want to live and how you want to be. Then put in the motions to make that happen. At least then its constructive forward movement.

 

When you feel yourself getting into a pickle give yourself time to think it through properly with out beating yourself up.

 

Its all fine. In a couple of weeks time you will suddenly realize that you feel better. All of these emotions? Its all just temporary and it does get better and it will get better.

 

You should have seen me a week ago. Floods of tears not eating, struggling to motivate myself to do anything at all. Now just a week on I can feel myself getting better and happier again. Because I took the time to look after myself.

 

Its OK OP. Its all going to be OK.

[Radarsat]

Right now your not. Your like a boxer trying to go into a championship fight the day after a street brawl with 20 others... It is not going to happen.

 

You need to heal and build up your strength again. That is why you take time. Get some hobbies and things you like to do. Build up your network of friends and try new things.

 

They way you are now is why rebounds are not a good idea for anyone involved.

 

Give yourself a month, check and see how you are. Then if you need to give yourself another month, check how you are again. Just keep working on your physical and mental health before you worry about anything else. Trust me on this.

 

Also remember that nothing is set in stone. I often deactivate my online accounts just because I want a break and I am a bit fed up with messing about meeting new people all the time. I just take a breather, concentrate on myself then get back to it when I am ready. Its fine to do that.

 

What is not fine is putting undue stress and pressure on yourself. Thats what is happening right now. Its not working out. So stop for a bit, have a cup of tea and a digestive. Pop your feet up and just figure out how you want to live and how you want to be. Then put in the motions to make that happen. At least then its constructive forward movement.

 

When you feel yourself getting into a pickle give yourself time to think it through properly with out beating yourself up.

 

Its all fine. In a couple of weeks time you will suddenly realize that you feel better. All of these emotions? Its all just temporary and it does get better and it will get better.

 

You should have seen me a week ago. Floods of tears not eating, struggling to motivate myself to do anything at all. Now just a week on I can feel myself getting better and happier again. Because I took the time to look after myself.

 

Its OK OP. Its all going to be OK.

 

Thanks Toodaloo. I know your 100% right, no doubt. I definitely need to make more time for myself and find other things to do. I just find myself right now (I realize it's temporary - I hope anyway) missing a significant other in my life. When I separated in August, that wasn't the beginning of it. I have been missing love in my life for years. August was just it boiling over. I'm so fed up with not having a partner....so it's hard to "take a step back" and work on myself, even though I know that's exactly what I need to do. I just feel at 37, I'm so ****ed. Two young kids, I'm bald, overweight, glasses, hairy back and zero ambition to turn my life around. How attractive is that? Yeah, I know, beating myself up again. Fck it's so hard guys. Sorry to vent. I hope your right that its all going to be OK. But how if the hell do I focus and forget about women and the fear of being alone forever right now? Some days I wish I would just get some awful terminal disease so that I can leave this world. Sorry guys. Just the way it is right now.

[Radarsat]

Morning folks. Okay, so here's an update.

 

Still haven't seen this girl again, but the texting every day/night still happening....however, sorry, I did see her for 15 min yesterday on our work break as we work in the same building together (different dept's). I basically told her (paraphrasing as I don't remember exact words), "Look, I care about you. I can't stop thinking about you. But I feel we are moving into the just friends zone. And I need to know, not this instant, but I need to know soon where we are going with all of this so that I can move forward in my life if the romantic aspect is dead". She started getting teary. But she said that she totaly understands why I'm annoyed and if I was truly important in her life, she would makes SOME time for me. She said we should talk later that night about it since 15 min break was just not enough to fully explain herself, etc. I totally felt guilty putting that on her at work and told her that I completely understood if she was pissed at me for doing that to her at work. She said she wasn't, and completly understood why I needed to get it off my chest. Anyway, I went out last night to the bars. Sent her a couple of texts saying I hope she was okay and not pissed at me. And she texts me this:

 

"I am okay really. Yes it was an added emotional stress today but I'm okay. I just feel bad and I know you feel bad so it's just both of us feeling bad and not wanting to hurt each other"

 

I didn't reply. Then she texts this:

 

"Hey, So I'm now laying in bed. OF course thinking about today. You were in the right to talk about where we are at so again don't feel bad because I was upset. I was upset because I care about you and I wish I saw and felt a relationship with us, but sadly it's not going in that direction for me. It's not your situation, kids, or anything you disclosed to me. It really isn't. There is just something missing that I hoped would develop. I think being sad today was partly for that reason too. I want to be in your life and be friends. I know you may need time to think about how that will look for you. As you said, you needed me to tell you where I was at so you could move forward. Just know that I'm here and still want to be in your life however you can let me."

"Well, that didn't feel good to say :"

 

I texted her "I want to be friends too ______ (her name). I care so much about you, but I don't want to hurt you as I move forward. Are you getting what I'm saying?"

 

She replied, "Do you mean when you start to date other people?"

 

I replied, "I'm sorry, I'm just walking into a bar with some buddies for beers and I can't talk anymore at the moment. Stay in touch".

 

She texted, "Okay".

 

 

So....EVERYONE (friends, colleagues and my favourite bartenders - lol) are telling me I'm WAY too nice and I need to let this girl go. If there is any future with her, what in the hell does she really want? She even said to me yesterday before all those texts above that she still wants me to come over to her place for dinner with her. WTF? Again, we went from 5 dates and sex on the third, fourth and fifth date....to NOTHING. Full breaks. Why would she want me to come to her house for a "private dinner" with her when she just sees me as a friend.

 

I want to let her go, but I STILL can't stop thinking of her.

[WhirlwindGuy]

I am going through very close to the same situation.

 

 

I met a girl about 5 years younger than me. We went on a few dates and fell for each other very hard. We had a blissful couple of weeks, going out, staying in, sex, cuddling...it was amazing. She constantly told me how much she liked me, how cute I was, how nice I was, you name it...she took pictures of me to text to her friends...

 

 

then all of the sudden, she shut it off. Literally over night. Right now I am waiting to hear from her. She told me last Sunday she needed to slow things down and take a break, she would text me next weekend. So I have been a literal mess ever since. I am not sure WTF is going on. It went from the best times to the worst in less than 24hrs. I am really hoping I hear from her this weekend, but I am having my doubts.

 

 

So yes, I totally know how you feel, it really F's with your head when this stuff happens. I am kicking myself in the ass for falling for this girl so fast.

[Radarsat]

Anyone else? I'm really lost here folks.

[xUnknown]

I wish I saw and felt a relationship with us, but sadly it's not going in that direction for me.

 

This is all you needed to hear in that long drawn out paragraph of a text...the rest was just noise.

 

Time to move on. She's not interested in a relationship with you, time to find and invest your time into someone who is. Radio Silence...don't text her, go NC.