Radarsat Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 Hey everyone, I separated from my ex in mid August. And I started dating early October. I know, very fresh and probably stupid. Here is a thread from the girl I dated: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/556394-dating I got hurt. I'm kind of almost over it. I realize I need to work on myself maybe before dating and then like others are telling me, date multiple people. My issue is, and call me old fashioned, but I find it (for myself) very wrong to want to do that. I wish I had the mental game to not care about one girl I'm focused on and then just date another girl the following night or week, but I find it very insensitive. I realize the girl I saw (or will see down the road) will likely be doing the same thing, but I find it very unatrractive. What is wrong with me. And how am I supppose to find the right girl if I dont' play the field? Even speed dating (which I didn't even know what is was until buddy told me yesterday) seems very weird to me. Talk with a girl for 5 minutes, try to connect with her and then say see ya later. I'm going to talk with this other girl? WTF? More importantly, WTF is wrong with me?
Rydo Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 Nothing is wrong with you. Some people just don't like to multi date. As long as you are OK with the fact the girls you date are probably doing it there isn't a problem. 1
Author Radarsat Posted November 12, 2015 Author Posted November 12, 2015 Nothing is wrong with you. Some people just don't like to multi date. As long as you are OK with the fact the girls you date are probably doing it there isn't a problem. I know it's normal. I really do. But I'm not sure that I am OK with the girls I'm dating, dating others....even though I told the girl I've been seing that I'm cool with it. Secretly, I'm not really. I feel like I'm really messed up that way. How do I get over this?
SwordofFlame Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 If you're using online dating, multi-dating is kind of unavoidable if you think about it. 1
kismetkismet Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 there's nothing wrong with you.. lots of people don't like to multi - date, myself included (also how the hell do people even have time/energy for that). Unfortunately online dating usually does come with that for the beginning stages because the first couple of dates are more just MEETING each other, whereas with more traditional dating you often already knew each other before asking for the first date.
central Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 Put it in your profile, or tell potential dates that you don't multi-date and prefer people with the same attitude. It won't necessarily solve the problem, but should reduce it considerably. 1
Rydo Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I know it's normal. I really do. But I'm not sure that I am OK with the girls I'm dating, dating others....even though I told the girl I've been seing that I'm cool with it. Secretly, I'm not really. I feel like I'm really messed up that way. How do I get over this? You get used to it. But until then you should be honest with how you feel.
SwordofFlame Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 Put it in your profile, or tell potential dates that you don't multi-date and prefer people with the same attitude. It won't necessarily solve the problem, but should reduce it considerably. Would that really work though? Can't people just lie if they like you but are not 100% sure yet? Therefore, they still keep their options open. You really can't know for sure early on.
Odinani Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 You should just get used to it. I'm presuming you're hoping to date a woman who is attractive? Attractive women get male attention both online and offline. So, almost any attractive woman you score a first date with is almost guaranteed to have other men she is talking to or who are trying to talk to her. It's unrealistic to imagine she will drop all of these men just like that after only one or two dates with you. Best to get with the programme.
miacat Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 Just another person here to tell you that there is absolutey nothingwrong with you. That's just the way you are and there is no single way to go about dating. I am the same way as you, I can't imagine dating multiple people at once. It's too messy, it stresses me out, and it just never works out for me. It's also not a gender thing. There are plenty of men who share this same view. If anything you should embrace this about yourself. It's easier and less stressful getting to know one person at a time. Just relax and enjoy and immediately stop thinking it's a bad thing or less masculine or whatever you may think.
Michelle ma Belle Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 How much of this has to do with sex? Is it just the dating process of talking with another guy and having dinner with him and possibly getting a kiss at the end of the night that bothers you or is the prospect that she's doing much more with them that gets your goat? It's fine and perfectly normal to enjoy dating one-on-one rather than multi-dating but you can't exactly demand that of other people, at least not until you think you want more from them. 1
Buddhist Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 Hey everyone, I separated from my ex in mid August. And I started dating early October. I know, very fresh and probably stupid. Here is a thread from the girl I dated: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/556394-dating I got hurt. I'm kind of almost over it. I realize I need to work on myself maybe before dating and then like others are telling me, date multiple people. My issue is, and call me old fashioned, but I find it (for myself) very wrong to want to do that. I wish I had the mental game to not care about one girl I'm focused on and then just date another girl the following night or week, but I find it very insensitive. I realize the girl I saw (or will see down the road) will likely be doing the same thing, but I find it very unatrractive. What is wrong with me. And how am I supppose to find the right girl if I dont' play the field? Even speed dating (which I didn't even know what is was until buddy told me yesterday) seems very weird to me. Talk with a girl for 5 minutes, try to connect with her and then say see ya later. I'm going to talk with this other girl? WTF? More importantly, WTF is wrong with me? Basically you're trying to prioritise societies norms over your own needs thats why you feel the conflict. Forget about multi-dating. I've never done it and can't see the point in ever doing it. Personally I think it's a stupid practice that just gets in the way of making connections because you are constantly harbouring a grass is greener attitude. Why don't you just honour your own feelings on the matter. Whether or not you multi-date will have no bearing on whether or not the next girl you meet is the one. Plenty of people in the world find wonderful partners the old fashioned way by dating one person at a time. I just see multi-dating as yet another symptom of a got to have it all now, I need more, more, more....look at me, direction society has taken. If its not right for you, then don't do it. It will only cause you stress. 3
Ami1uwant Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 Let's distinguish a few things here.... What is multidating to you? Thru online dating can you communicate with multiple people before dating one? The dating of one person is more typical of women when you get passed the first meet. You run the risk of losing matches because of your no response because you only date 1. In the online dating world you should assume they are dating multi people.
empresario Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I guess it's an interesting thing I've never thought about previously. I was never offended by multi-dating because I know to the right girl I will be the obvious choice. But, if you don't go into it with that attitude I could see why it may be scary. I would say, don't worry about it. Do you really want to be with a woman that may question if you're a good fit for her compared to the others around her? I don't know about you, but I don't want to be second best.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I've never really multi-dated. It just feels all wrong to me. None of the men I've had relationships with multi-dated, either. Like me, they've all been serious and selective. My approach when doing OLD was to go on 1-2 dates with a man, then make a decision about whether to continue seeing him or not. If not, I stop dating him, usually take a little time off, then start looking again. I'm sure you will find others like you and me out there. We may be in the minority these days. But the best person for you will be an exception for many reasons. 3
Gaeta Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I know it's normal. I really do. But I'm not sure that I am OK with the girls I'm dating, dating others....even though I told the girl I've been seing that I'm cool with it. Secretly, I'm not really. I feel like I'm really messed up that way. How do I get over this? We make multi dating what we want. My multi dating is I may have a coffee meeting with 1, 2 or 3 men in a week. It's just coffee. I may see them one more time but by the 3rd date I know which one I want to keep on seeing and I let the other 2 go. So I multi date but it never involves being in relationships with more than one man at a time. So you decide for yourself what is acceptable, my acceptable is 3 dates, yours could be 2 dates or up to 5 dates. Also, finding ONE person that is compatible and that you want to see again is difficult. You may meet 3 women in the same week and none will want to see you again. 2
Gaeta Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I forgot to add. When you meet someone and you both connect she won't multi date. She will forget about going online, it's human nature. If you start having 1-2-3 dates with a woman and she is constantly online it's pretty giving that she didn't feel a connection.
joseb Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 Personally I think it's a stupid practice that just gets in the way of making connections because you are constantly harbouring a grass is greener attitude. I've tried it and this is pretty much my conclusion. I don't really count online chatting as anything, and a first meet is not really a date, but from that point on, I would only see one person. For me it's got nothing to do with jealousy, it's just it feel wrong to be trying to have a romantic relationship with more than one person. If I wanted that, I'd just go full on poly-amorous. 4
central Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I forgot to add. When you meet someone and you both connect she won't multi date. She will forget about going online, it's human nature. If you start having 1-2-3 dates with a woman and she is constantly online it's pretty giving that she didn't feel a connection. Usually, yes. There are exceptions, and my own story is one of those. When I first met and dated my wife, she hadn't had any real dating experience ever, before or after her awful marriage. She had no basis on which to make a GOOD decision, even though we had an incredible connection. She didn't have the perspective to know that it was real, instead of a delusion stemming from her lack of experience. To solve this, she needed to date, which meant meeting other men and learning to evaluate what they said and how they acted and how she felt, and seeing how those things turned out based on actual experience. Once she had the necessary experience, the perspective and trust in her own judgment followed. And she then knew that our connection was real and valid. It all worked out, eventually. Of course, it could have gone differently, so I didn't wait around hoping she'd see the light. I continued dating, but didn't meet anyone who was a better match by the time she returned to me, otherwise she'd have been out of luck - until someone else came along who also had that connection.
thecrucible Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I agree with what others said. I've tried multi-dating and it wasn't for me. I'd rather wait to meet someone I really like and foster the connection than multi-date a bunch of guys I don't feel connected enough to. It totally gives you GIGS. I find it hard enough dealing with that with OLD. I'm not trying to be a snob but I am genuinely only interested in about 5% of the men who message me (nothing to do with their looks or money btw).
KatZee Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I'm not really a fan of the "just get used to it" advice that's being stated in this thread. Why should anyone "get used to" the person they're seeing, seeing other people? I'm not a fan of multi-dating either. I find it insulting. If I go out with a guy, 2, 3, 4, 5 times, what's the point of dating others? Obviously both of us like each other enough to get together that many times, so why not just focus on one person?? If I'm dating a guy, and we're getting to a point where we're seeing each other regularly and I find out he's still seeing others, I'll just fade out. My mentality is that if a guy is still dating others while seeing me, he's not into me. I don't want to waste time on someone who's not putting full effort into me. 2
KatZee Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I also don't agree with the statement, "It's fine if you don't muti-date but just know that the women are." Women are not programmed to want to date a handful of men. When we connect with someone, we stick with that ONE person. That's how biology wired us on a basic level. To produce off-spring and to find the strongest male to do that with. Males on a basic level are wired to sleep with and be with as many women as possible to ensure off-spring. As a woman, I'm not interested in many superficial relationships, I want ONE meaningful one.
Rydo Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I also don't agree with the statement, "It's fine if you don't muti-date but just know that the women are." Women are not programmed to want to date a handful of men. When we connect with someone, we stick with that ONE person. That's how biology wired us on a basic level. To produce off-spring and to find the strongest male to do that with. Males on a basic level are wired to sleep with and be with as many women as possible to ensure off-spring. As a woman, I'm not interested in many superficial relationships, I want ONE meaningful one. You don't speak for all woman. And none that I know of in my age range.
RedRobin Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 The point of dating is finding someone you are compatible with. If you don't like multidating, then only date women who don't multidate. I am a woman, and don't multidate. None of my male or female friends multidate. That's not our value system. Stick to your value system and discard those who don't share them. It's super easy to tell who are the multidaters, even if they lie. A lot of them do lie or act squirrelly and vague though. Be prepared for that. That's usually the only way they can get away with juggling multiple people. Do what I do... Tell people upfront that you don't multidate, then see what they do. If you suspect that they are multi dating more than a date or two after that, then just politely send them on their way. No worries. Nobody should feel the need to chase after or 'compete' over anyone. Either the attraction is mutual or it is not. 2
KatZee Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 You don't speak for all woman. And none that I know of in my age range. Well women in my age range are what I just described. So *shrug* take it with a grain of salt. Not everyone is a multi-dater.
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