acapelo_dp Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 I recently moved in with my boyfriend at the end of September - we have been together a bit over 2 years now and are both 25 with good jobs. Living with him has been great because HE is great and our relationship has been better than ever. He is attentive, caring, sweet, and we still have date nights and get along well together. I have no problems with my boyfriend....however... The problem is that his youngest brother (age 22) is living with us until he can find a job and a place of his own. He got fired from his job in MAY and he has still not found work yet. He has gotten interviews for dish washing jobs, warehouse, etc the past few weeks and has not gotten hired. My boyfriend is supporting him financially right now and gives him money for food all the time and often his brother will order a whole pizza to himself or eat mine and my boyfriends snacks that are in the cupboard. When I make a meal for my boyfriend I feel bad and I always give him food as well. His brother cannot contribute financially so my boyfriend and I split the rent and the bills atm. My boyfriends brothers room smell absolutely GROSS. He hardly cleans, just started doing dishes this week after I spoke to my boyfriend about it. I end up doing all of the cleaning around the house. He wakes up between 10:30am-1pm and sits on his computer in the living room all day so I never have privacy on my days off. He has no friends, not one since he moved here 2 years ago. I suggested that he apply back to school (he failed out before) and he hasn't even started the process of applying. I honestly am trying to help but I don't know what else to do with him. I feel like a nagging mom taking care of a teenager. I love my boyfriend but I am almost at my last nerve. My boyfriend did talk to him and tell him he needs to be out by January 1st but at this rate I don't know how he is going to get a job and live on his own. It's an expensive city and he just won't be able to earn a living with minimum wage. He has minimal life skills at his age and no drive.. I'm concerned for his younger brother but I am also stuck. Any advice? I mean there's not much I can do besides be patient but I would like for my boyfriend and I to have a place together and not have added stress of taking care of someone else. I have told my boyfriend I will move out if the situation does not improve by the new year which is what prompted my boyfriend to speak to his brother. Link to post Share on other sites
xcupid Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Be prepared to move out in January if youngest brother hasn't left. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
compulsivedancer Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 This is tough. My ex moved his brother into our house without asking me. It was nearly impossible to collect any rent from him and he was very frustrating to live with. The fact that he lived with us was a major thorn in my side and one of the larger of the many problems we had that led to divorce. There's only so much you can do, unless you can ultimately kick him out. If you're serious about moving out if the situation continues, this will probably end up happening eventually. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Glitters Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 First, its not your place to say/do anything as its his brother.You guys are not married.Second, I doubt his brother will move out because he is getting everything without doing anything.What you can do is make sure that your boyfriend doesnt become an active enabler. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 First, its not your place to say/do anything as its his brother.You guys are not married.Second, I doubt his brother will move out because he is getting everything without doing anything.What you can do is make sure that your boyfriend doesnt become an active enabler. She has every right to speak up this is her home that she pays for equally with her boyfriend so she is also supporting her boyfriends brother and hes house squatting she has every right to speak up about it. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 (edited) If you feel that letting him stay with you while he's unemployed is the right thing to do, and he can't contribute financially, then he has to contribute in other ways. Otherwise he's just being spoilt, and there's no way he will grow up to become a real adult - you will actually be doing him a great disfavour by enabling him. If your bf is at all a reasonable person, he will understand this if you explain it to him. So... if he wants to stay with you, he needs to keep his room up to acceptable standards (you decide what is acceptable). He also should be expected to pitch in with at least 50% of the household chores. If he has never cleaned, cooked, or done the laundry before... 22 is well past the age for learning, so he should get to it. If he refuses, he can move out. Maybe that will motivate him to start getting his ducks in a row at the very least. And yes, be prepared to carry out your plans if he has not left by January. Edited November 10, 2015 by Elswyth 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mystikmind2005 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 When you think about it, it is not all that different to having a relationship with a single dad who has an older child! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Because you live there & pay 1/2 the rent which helps out BF & his slob of a brother you do get some say. Tell your BF he needs to set house rules for his brother. Rule #1: you are not the brother's maid. The brother must keep his room so it doesn't smell. As long as the door is closed you can't make a grown man make his bed, but you can address the smells Rule # 2 brother must find a way to contribute. Even if he doesn't have $$ he should clean the apartment perhaps have dinner waiting for you & BF & run errands for you two as a way to show appreciation because he has all this free time. Meanwhile I would send the brother a list of potential jobs for which he can apply every week. If your BF balks at any of that, you need to move out sooner rather than later because it's not fair to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 I end up doing all of the cleaning around the house. Yet another woman expected to pay half for everything but still gets stuck doing 100% of the domestic chores. Where are all the guys screaming for 'equality' now? Yeah, I thought so. OP, as is the case for a lot of women, you're getting screwed. If you're both paying HALF the expenses, then your boyfriend should be doing 50% of the household chores. That's your first mistake. Secondly, I wouldn't be paying HALF of anything right now because your boyfriend is also screwing you over financially. There are now THREE people living and eating in that home, so your boyfriend should be paying 66% and you should be paying 33%. His brother isn't doing jack-sh*t because he doesn't HAVE to. Since May, he's been supported and fed and housed by you and your boyfriend. Honestly, I think your boyfriend is a low life for making you pay half since May PLUS be the one to do all the work inside the house on top of it. Unacceptable. I'd be looking for my own place. Screw this crap. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Samhain Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 And what if he did go back to school? He would have more future job opportunities, but in the meantime he'd still be financially stuck, and would still need a place to stay while he was studying as a full time job would no longer be an option. You have equal right to speak up to him about this as you contribute equally to the finances of keeping and running the home. Out of respect for your boyfriend you have allowed him to be the one who speaks up first. No difference has been made so now you can open your mouth. If he respected both his brother and you, and was fully appreciative of how you are supporting and helping him he would be out there all day every day looking for a job. I find it hard to believe that he can't wash dishes or find any other type of work that involves no qualifications or skills. So it's his general character that is coming cross to employers as unemployable. If his brother is enabling him to live in comfort with no responsibilities, he won't put in the effort possible employers want to see from somebody who wants a job badly enough to do what is required of him. Stick to your plan and make sure your boyfriend knows you are serious about leaving. If his nature is sweet and caring he may find it awkward and difficult to confront his brother in a way where the message fully gets across. I'd suggest you both sit down and speak to him together so you can have your say without having to put all of the pressure on to your boyfriend. If nothing changes after that, you know what you must do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Yet another woman expected to pay half for everything but still gets stuck doing 100% of the domestic chores. Well, to be fair, the OP says she does all the 'cleaning' - there is still cooking, laundry, gardening, groceries etc to be done. We also don't know what the split of rent is - might be 50/50 but might not be. So I wouldn't jump to conclusions about her paying 50% and doing 100% of the chores while her bf does nothing, just yet. But if what you say is true (hopefully the OP can confirm), then I agree there are larger issues here than just the bratty little brother. Link to post Share on other sites
Samhain Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Well, to be fair, the OP says she does all the 'cleaning' - there is still cooking, laundry, gardening, groceries etc to be done. We also don't know what the split of rent is - might be 50/50 but might not be. So I wouldn't jump to conclusions about her paying 50% and doing 100% of the chores while her bf does nothing, just yet. But if what you say is true (hopefully the OP can confirm), then I agree there are larger issues here than just the bratty little brother. Well the OP did mention that her boyfriend was "attentive and sweet" so I'm assuming that the splitting of chores and bills isn't something that is bothersome to her as it sounds to me he pulls his weight where he should be. I think Lois is trying to say that because the brother is ultimately her boyfriends responsibility then he should be paying more and she should be paying less. However I'm inclined to say that since they mutually allowed him to move in then that ship has sailed. Had he moved his brother in without speaking to her first then he absolutely should be paying the majority of the bills. Link to post Share on other sites
Glitters Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 My bad ! I somehow missed reading that OP is paying half the rent. I would feel duped Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 I think you need to talk to the brother and tell him that if he acts like a child you will treat him like one. Leave him a list of chores and if he doesn't get them done he doesn't get supper. Simple. When he leaves a mess just throw the whole lot into his room, dirty dishes etc. If that doesn't work speak to their mother and ask her to come round... After all she is his mother not you. Keep talking to your boyfriend. Get him on board with you. The brother is a scrounger. Link to post Share on other sites
Maxtor Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Yet another woman expected to pay half for everything but still gets stuck doing 100% of the domestic chores. Where are all the guys screaming for 'equality' now? Yeah, I thought so. No one is forcing her to do the clean up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PogoStick Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 When you think about it, it is not all that different to having a relationship with a single dad who has an older child! That's a fair point. I hope she doesn't want children! Your boyfriend should sit down with him to lay out the conditions of him living with you. It's his home and he's allowed to have rules about living there. Where are his parents? 1. I don't know your location but I find it hard to believe he can't find a entry job at fast food, gas station, washing dishes, something. 2. Requirements on him saving money from said job. I suggest you collect modest rent, a couple hundred per month. Don't tell him, but you save all of that rent and return it to him when he moves out. It will be a kind gift. 3. He keeps clean to the standards of your household. His room, his dishes, his mess in common areas. 4. He seeks public assistance. At the very least he'll probably get SNAP. That's his monthly food, no more pizza delivery. Depending on your state he'll also get Medicaid. Maybe he needs help with mental health issues that could improve his functions. Medicaid will give him access to a Dr and prescriptions for free or very little. Maybe an antidepressant will help. Even if he doesn't get Medicaid there are still low cost county health services. There are also cheap or free counseling services. If he's not working he should be spending his time using the above services to improve his health / mental condition. You might have to play mother and discover these services for him, but it's worth your time, then require he use them. As you said, it's unlikely he'll be able to move out by new years, so you should focus on how to create a viable, long-term living situation that works for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 (edited) I recently moved in with my boyfriend at the end of September - we have been together a bit over 2 years now and are both 25 with good jobs. My boyfriends brothers room smell absolutely GROSS. He hardly cleans, just started doing dishes this week after I spoke to my boyfriend about it. I end up doing all of the cleaning around the house. He wakes up between 10:30am-1pm and sits on his computer in the living room all day so I never have privacy on my days off. He has no friends, not one since he moved here 2 years ago. So, the brother has been living there for 2 years--right around the time you started dating this guy; and you moved in in September? So you kind of knew since May that the brother was an issue before you moved in, right? Yet you still moved in... thinking, what exactly? That you being there meant that lil bro was going to get off his duff magically and flip into someone he's shown for 2 years he has no intention on being? Yes, speak up and tell your boyfriend that his brother has to move out if that's where this is headed. However, don't be surprised from the push back from both of them and/or the rest of their family. Blood is thicker than water. They may circle the wagons against you--be prepared for that. A lot of these concerns really should have been addressed before you gave up the lease on your place and moved in. Edited November 10, 2015 by kendahke 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author acapelo_dp Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 Just to clarify my boyfriend does clean - he takes out the garbage and he does dishes and cleans the kitchen. I do however do all the rest of the house cleaning and his brother SOMETIMES does dishes now after I got my boyfriend to talk to him. Before he would leave a huge pile in the sink sitting home on his butt all day and my boyfriend and I would come home from work and have to do it. As for not even getting dishwashing jobs I totally agree. I told my boyfriend there is no reason he should not be able to get a minimum wage job. My boyfriend said its because he's "socially awkward" and I told him that has absolutely nothing to do with employability. My boyfriends mother died when he was 17 and his father is living in another province struggling himself and wouldn't be able to take in the younger brother. I just don't understand having no drive and being so unproductive. I think you all gave some great advice. I'm going to make him a chore list to follow and also I have no problem even pitching in on a damage deposit to get his own place to help. It's the only cause of tension in my boyfriend and I"s relationship. My boyfriend admitted last week that he hasn't pushed his brother the most he could because he's his "best friend" and wants him to stay around our city. Although my boyfriend does want him out of the apartment. I'm baffled that his best friend could be a brother that he is so annoyed with all the time.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maxtor Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 I dont believe your story at all. Women are very emotional, not rational. Maybe his brother is actually having a hard time getting a job, maybe he is depressed. You want him to magically get a job and leave. If my brother throw me out because of a girl, I would never speak to him again. Girls come and go. Brotherhood is forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author acapelo_dp Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 I dont believe your story at all. Women are very emotional, not rational. Maybe his brother is actually having a hard time getting a job, maybe he is depressed. You want him to magically get a job and leave. If my brother throw me out because of a girl, I would never speak to him again. Girls come and go. Brotherhood is forever. The whole point of me trying to help get him A job and a place is because my boyfriend has been trying for months. It's not like I'm asking him to pick me or his brother. That's not the case at all. My boyfriend has been telling him he needs to be out on his own for months. I am not forcing anything. He very well could be depressed. When my boyfriend speaks to him when he's mad he yells and I told him not to do that anymore it's disrespectful and won't get him anywhere. If he is depressed then he should be able to talk to us and ask for help. We've talked to him before together and he said he's doing alright. When he did have his two jobs he got fired or often called in sick. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Terry8889 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Who moved in first you or his brother? If the brother was already there before you came for those 2 years, things are not going to change much. He is getting everything while doing nothing, why would he put any effort?. You should have thought about this before moving in with your BF. If I were you I would be getting ready to move out eventually, because I highly doubt you bf will push his brother out making him homeless. It does sound like the little bro is a lazy a.s.s. though because when you REALLY need money and a job to survive you take whatever job is available even if that means cleaning bathrooms and moping floors, but because the lazy kid has a big bro to protect him and provides a roof over his head, he won't change. As I said start getting ready to move out by the end of the year if you're serious about it. Sorry and good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maxtor Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 He very well could be depressed. When my boyfriend speaks to him when he's mad he yells and I told him not to do that anymore it's disrespectful and won't get him anywhere. If he is depressed then he should be able to talk to us and ask for help. We've talked to him before together and he said he's doing alright. When he did have his two jobs he got fired or often called in sick. Depressed people dont even know they are depressed. But to be honest, you are not shrinks, so, he is not your problem. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Terry8889 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 By the way don't even think about chipping in for the lazy kid so he can get his own place, that will only encourage his laziness. He is not a little kid, he is a grown man. This guy sounds like trouble, if you end up marrying your bf be ready to get involved in all lil bro problems as well for the rest of your life. That's sound like too much drama I would just leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Author acapelo_dp Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 Yeah I'm already saving money to move I would have enough to get a roommate like I did before. I feel miserable everyday dealing with this... But I suppose I should have thought about that before moving in. I just hoped my bf would get his brothers butt into gear even more which he has a bit. It's almost 12pm here and his brother has still not gotten out of bed to do anything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Samhain Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Yeah I'm already saving money to move I would have enough to get a roommate like I did before. I feel miserable everyday dealing with this... But I suppose I should have thought about that before moving in. I just hoped my bf would get his brothers butt into gear even more which he has a bit. It's almost 12pm here and his brother has still not gotten out of bed to do anything. People who live under somebody elses roof are expected to pay money toward utilities and rent. If that is not a possibility then that person should be doing all household chores, to earn the advantages they are receiving without contributing. He may be socially awkward or even depressed, but while you guys are out working he's home alone and could do all chores from top to bottom without any social awkwardness factor even entering the equation. Not just half heartedly washing some dishes here and there. He is taking advantage of you. Both of you. Would a best friend do that? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts