- is she cheating?

[ShatteredLady]

When I was pregnant with our son I became HUGE! We joked that I had my own gravitational pull. After I worked so very, very hard. I lost the kid of weight they make TV shows about. My H never said anything positive. If anyone complemented me, he put me down. I still don't know why but he intentionally made me feel terrible about myself. It's one of those sadnesses that will always be part of me. When I ask now its a "can't remember" thing. Just in case you're wrong, please be careful.

[Friskyone4u]

Stephen,

 

There is an old saying to "trust your gut". Your gut has you concerned enough that you sought out this site for advice. Ignore this at your own peril.

 

You have been given some good advice., Get the VAR in her car and you probably will have answers quickly. But it appears she is doing this very close to your house so it should not be very difficult to catch her.

 

Get a baby sitter next time she goes to this class and wait outside or do what others have said and have a friend go in to the class, even as a guest. Most gyms you can pay a guest fee even if you are not a member.

 

It is unlikely they are having sex in the gym so if you are waiting outside you may catch them leaving OR you may find that she is not evem there.

 

If you have access to her phone, turn on the locator feature or put a GPS on her car.

 

You have enough red flags here my friend to be REAL concerned.

 

"Grooming" her privates differently all of a sudden right when this behavior started is not a good sign,

And her not being as intimate with your advances is also a red flag. Many women in the excitement of an affair start to find their husband unattractive because they was so wrapped up in OM.

 

She has also been so blunt as to tell you this guy is complimenting her and paying her attention. Also not a great sign.

 

You best chance of figuring this out is to take some action and get out of denial.

 

It is time to go in at least CIA mode and do some real snooping.

 

One last thing. She may be deleting phone messages. Call your cell provider and get the records of phone numbers tested sent to you. Check her phone for apps, and SEARCH the house and her car in all places you might ordinarily not look at for a burner phone, including her lingerie drawer. And while you are in that drawer, make sure there is no lingerie in there that you have never seen.

[m.snow]

I would actually learn toward no. If she recently had a child and is trying to lose the baby weight she could be be happy she is still attractive to someone or has a little crush. It doesn't mean she is acting on it.

 

I know when I was pregnant I felt so fat and disgusting. A guy hit on me the day after I gave birth at the gas station. It made my day. I tried to do several things to make myself feel more attractive while losing the baby weight including wearing my nicer underwear more. Unfortunately my XH thought they were cheating signs too.

 

The point I'm making is all this could be innocent.

 

post partum blues often lead to cheating. many instances through out different forums that many women cheated after pregnancy.

 

imbalance on hormones can have an effect that will cause someone to cheat.

Edited November 7, 2015 by m.snow

[Rayndrops3]

I think you are wise to give this some thought. Each incident,standing alone, could be simply innocent. But put all together,easily hits the gut check. I think you have gotten solid advice here. Tipping your hat too soon can give the other person an advantage. While I dislike generalities, cheating gym trainers is sadly cliche nowadays.

[ShatteredLady]

If I was your sister or friend OR if you were a good friend, work colleague of my husbands I would go to her classes at the gym for you...particularly if you treated me to the cost of a massage too

 

Seriously, do you know anyone who would do that favor for you? If someone loves working out getting the opportunity to try out a different gym is no big chore.

 

Just personally, if innocent, I would be far more offended by recording devises & trackers than I would you getting a friend to check out what it's like at my classes & getting a look at this instructor guy for you.

 

I'd feel so invaded & betrayed if I found my H recorded me. It's ok to go that far ONCE you have real evidence. Remember, if she's innocent you're going to be talking about all this! You don't want secrets & lies in your M.

[aliveagain]

Wearing lacy panties to the gym? Having wet panties when coming home. Shaving her privates? Doesn't want to be touched? Trust your gut, it's usually too late by the time your concerned.

[Lion Heart]

You know IDK about the "offended" my H thought I was cheating. I guess so.

 

I was pretty humoured that he'd always trusted me then for 9 months after D Day Number 1, he tried to pin ALL SORTS of infidelity on me. Since the multiple OW D Days, he hasn't mentioned a THING!

 

Sure I'd think he'd lost his mind if he started following me and going all CIA etc. But if there's nothing going on then there's NOTHING TO FIND!

 

LH

[crederer]

My friend had a gf for 3 years. She'd go to the gym for long hours as she was involved with some sort of dance crew or something. So this took up a lot of her spare time.

 

Anyway it turned out that my friend was actually the other guy, and she was telling her other boyfriend the same story (she's gone a lot because of dance).

 

Just saying man...prepare yourself.

[Stephen32]

I have done some more investigating...

 

She dressed up friday night and went out for a drink with work colleagues, makeup dress and skirt - the works! - (I know this is true + I saw the email from her boss and they are all girls...) but I noted she wore her usual old woman knickers (compared to the lace panties she wore to go swimming/gym??)

 

Also thinking back of the last 2-3 weeks she has offered to do things without pushing her - for example sometimes we want a snack late at night, and we jokingly argue over who should go usually ends up with neither people going out to get it, but recently shes goes without question.

 

Also - Shes let me watch a lot of TV without changing it over (scfi).

 

She bakes cakes and makes dinner from scratch almost every night now, this never used to happen.

 

She even offered to cook me hot breakfast this morning.. I think this has been done once in 10 yrs or so...

 

...is this her guilt?!

 

On another note I found her login for her gym classes which she books online - so I can at least view what she has booked up - although I dont think any swimming needs to be booked.

[Friskyone4u]

Sounds like you are looking for reasons not to be more vigilant .

 

All these new nice little things may be to keep you happy AND clueless. Maybe totally innocent .

 

There is only one way you are going to find out . And it ain't that hard to do . It's not like you think this OM is at work.

 

Why would a woman wear her sexiest panties to go swimming at the gym over her newly "groomed" lady parts all of a sudden .

 

If you rugs weep this you are going to kick yourself in the butt if it is NOT innocent coincidences . At this point since no registration is needed for swimming you have no clue if she is even at the gym.

 

If she is having an affair the longer it goes on the harder it will be to stop it .

[merrmeade]

I have done some more investigating...

 

On another note I found her login for her gym classes which she books online - so I can at least view what she has booked up - although I dont think any swimming needs to be booked.

Umm, Stephen. THIS (last) is the only 'note' you should be playing right now and not impressed that you have only "found" her login for the gym. You need to ramp up your tech skills about a thousand percent and check everything. The voice-activated recorder (VAR) seems to be the easiest for some people, though personally I preferred scouring all digital possibilities—computer, phone, etc. You'll learn a lot more asking someone to teach you, which you may not want to do, or learning online than letting us instruct. Either way, you need to get in gear. It's not wrong and you'll pay much more later for dragging your feet if you wait.

[merrmeade]

In other words, I think by page 3 of this thread, almost to 4, you should have moved beyond the discussion of "Should I be worried" and presenting evidence to justify asking the question. Most responses have been a resounding YES! and you should be way past the start line of the next stage: gathering proof.

[kgcolonel]

I would agree with all the above. I would also stress that you should consider suggesting joining her at the gym. Most gyms have a nursery or childcare available. This would accomplish two things....first if there is something bad happening, her first reaction to this suggestion will be obvious and the second thing would be if nothing is going on, she should be ecstatic that you are showing interest in joining her. Either way this will yield desired results. I would believe that if she is misbehaving, the idea of bringing her kiddos into the environment would be alarming to her.....thus the reaction.

 

You could also use this time to validate her past activities in asking her to show you the classes and people she has met during this time at the gym.

[oldshirt]

here is a simple, no-cost, no-risk test you can try. come up with some perfectly legitimate reason for you to show up at the gym right at the end of her class.

 

 

It can be something like you left something in her car you need to pick up or you need to drop off something for her or whatever....

 

 

Then just show up unannounced and without any advanced notice or warning.

 

 

Have a smile on your face and act perfectly normal and like you don't have a care or suspicion in the world. In fact I would bring the kids with you and show them the gym and tell them this is where mommy gets all buff and healthy.

 

 

Just show up, do whatever your pretense story is and then happily go on about your business.

 

 

You are not there to confront, or to investigate or to make any accusations or anything at all. You aren't even there to catch her in with her hand in the cookie jar because there is a 99.999% chance that you won't catch her in the act at all.

 

 

What you are there for is to simply observe her reactions and her response to you showing up out of the blue. How does she respond to her husband suddenly showing without warning?

 

 

Does she look like a mouse that unexpectedly walked into a cat show? Does she look like she just got caught fckn the neighbor's dog? Does she react with panic? Does she react with annoyance and irritation at you? Is she kind of miffed that you didn't call ahead? Does she chew you out for bringing the kids out and disrupting their schedule and tells you never to that again?

 

 

Just watch and observe her reactions. Is her reaction completely normal for her or will that be another item to add to the list of her changes in behavior?

 

 

Then just as importantly, do not confront or bring up her reactions as this will be the same as confronting without evidence and will just send her deeper underground. After you have seen what you needed to see, just blissfully go back to your happy, trusting, completely clueless façade so she doesn't get suspicious that you are on to something.

[oldshirt]

here is a simple, no-cost, no-risk test you can try. come up with some perfectly legitimate reason for you to show up at the gym right at the end of her class.

 

 

It can be something like you left something in her car you need to pick up or you need to drop off something for her or whatever....

 

 

Then just show up unannounced and without any advanced notice or warning.

 

 

Have a smile on your face and act perfectly normal and like you don't have a care or suspicion in the world. In fact I would bring the kids with you and show them the gym and tell them this is where mommy gets all buff and healthy.

 

.

 

 

 

Another effect that this may have is she may be portraying herself as a single woman. If she is carrying on with some dudes that think she is single and baggage-free, they may turn tail and run when they see a husband and young kids show up.

 

 

Even if the OM knows she's married and has children, it may still have an impact to see them firsthand and see her interact with them in front of his own eyes.

 

 

Now granted, as a former serial OM, I can testify firsthand that it will not keep a dedicated horndog out of her bed, but it may create enough awkwardness between the two of them that it takes some of the fun out of it and brings them both down to earth a little bit.

[qubist]

here is a simple, no-cost, no-risk test you can try. come up with some perfectly legitimate reason for you to show up at the gym right at the end of her class.

 

 

It can be something like you left something in her car you need to pick up or you need to drop off something for her or whatever....

 

 

Then just show up unannounced and without any advanced notice or warning.

 

 

Have a smile on your face and act perfectly normal and like you don't have a care or suspicion in the world. In fact I would bring the kids with you and show them the gym and tell them this is where mommy gets all buff and healthy.

 

 

Just show up, do whatever your pretense story is and then happily go on about your business.

 

 

You are not there to confront, or to investigate or to make any accusations or anything at all. You aren't even there to catch her in with her hand in the cookie jar because there is a 99.999% chance that you won't catch her in the act at all.

 

 

What you are there for is to simply observe her reactions and her response to you showing up out of the blue. How does she respond to her husband suddenly showing without warning?

 

 

Does she look like a mouse that unexpectedly walked into a cat show? Does she look like she just got caught fckn the neighbor's dog? Does she react with panic? Does she react with annoyance and irritation at you? Is she kind of miffed that you didn't call ahead? Does she chew you out for bringing the kids out and disrupting their schedule and tells you never to that again?

 

 

Just watch and observe her reactions. Is her reaction completely normal for her or will that be another item to add to the list of her changes in behavior?

 

 

Then just as importantly, do not confront or bring up her reactions as this will be the same as confronting without evidence and will just send her deeper underground. After you have seen what you needed to see, just blissfully go back to your happy, trusting, completely clueless façade so she doesn't get suspicious that you are on to something.

 

it still wouldn't give him the clear evidence he is looking for,unless of course she is caught in act. otherwise he would just get more paranoid in addition she would know that he is aware of something. In my opinion he should go underground, best course if he hire somebody else

[m.snow]

that is one bloody change in behavior.

all I can something happened.

 

wanna play along?

 

here's the low down.

she actually is now measuring you up.

 

checking how appreciative you are of what she is dong.

and she is gonna be all like "I'm divorcing cause he ain't appreciative."

[sandylee1]

I would agree with all the above. I would also stress that you should consider suggesting joining her at the gym. Most gyms have a nursery or childcare available. This would accomplish two things....first if there is something bad happening, her first reaction to this suggestion will be obvious and the second thing would be if nothing is going on, she should be ecstatic that you are showing interest in joining her. Either way this will yield desired results. I would believe that if she is misbehaving, the idea of bringing her kiddos into the environment would be alarming to her.....thus the reaction.

 

You could also use this time to validate her past activities in asking her to show you the classes and people she has met during this time at the gym.

 

The gyms that have a creche are not open late in the evening. In addition you pay for the childcare..which I'm guessing is why she waits till hubby is home to look after the kids.

 

I would usually go to the gym in the daytime (and use the creche) when my H was at work as I had more energy in the day......but I also felt that I always had the kids with me, so I'd do some evenings as well.......and there were times he got suspicious too........

 

He vocalised it....and I must say.........it really annoyed me and I just continued doing what I was doing. I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong..so all the VARS and PIs in the world wouldn't have found a thing. There was the odd guy here and there at the gym that would encourage me during my workout ....but nothing more.

 

The lacy underwear.....no woman wants to have granny pants on at the gym when other women see you getting changed. I always wear nice looking underwear to change into after a workout. When loosing weight...nice undies feel good on your body too.

 

She could be up to no good...... but you need more evidence.

 

All the nice stuff she's doing could just be her wanting to improve things .....However if she never baked before.... I would ask howcome she's suddenly decided to do it. If my H suddenly started taking my car for a wash......I'd wonder why.

[mystikmind2005]

In general, when a woman starts cutting sex out, that usually means they're done with you.

 

Absolutely!

[eric1]

I'm not usually a devil's advocate type person but it's very possible that things haven't gone too far, but it definitely sounds like things are atleast borderline inappropriate.

 

I spend a lot of time at the gym and have some female friends there who do admit that the gym makes them feel sexy. Throw a little attention her way and she may just be dressing a bit sexier.

 

Another thing to consider is that "granny panties" will leave panty lines with yoga pants or whatever she is wearing, it's very common for girl's to wear "hot" underwear to the gym for this reason.

[puzzleddad67]

LISTEN TO THESE PEOPLE. I was wrong and they were right. My wife was acting strange. I thought it was just a disagreement. They told me early on it sounded like an affair. Then one day my son asks me why mom had a second phone. About the only thing I did right was NOT ask her about it and went spy crazy on her.

 

DO NOT ASK HER ABOUT IT!

 

I found instructions on how to Use a VAR etc from the internet.

 

Sorry for no happy. My divorce will be final in January.

[mystikmind2005]

LISTEN TO THESE PEOPLE. I was wrong and they were right. My wife was acting strange. I thought it was just a disagreement. They told me early on it sounded like an affair. Then one day my son asks me why mom had a second phone. About the only thing I did right was NOT ask her about it and went spy crazy on her.

 

DO NOT ASK HER ABOUT IT!

 

I found instructions on how to Use a VAR etc from the internet.

 

Sorry for no happy. My divorce will be final in January.

 

Sorry to hear this

 

secretly buying a second phone is a real per-meditated sneaky scumbag deception,,,, frankly i think that is worse than the cheating itself!

[dave_1966]

Voice activated MP3 recorders housed in a USB stick that record up to four hours in crystal clear sound are available on Amazon for about a fiver. Place a couple around the house (in a jacket pocket, they're that good) and leave her alone for a few hours to see who she calls. It's inevitable she'll probably be confiding in a female friend about things, and you may find out it's completely innocent. I really hope it is. Of course, I use them to record business meetings....

[rmurphey15]

ask if you could go to the gym with her to the class…. But first find the class he teaches. See what she says. Try to get access to her phone

[Friskyone4u]

Stephen,

 

You now have four pages of responses with some excellent suggestions on how to answer your question, but it appears you are going to let this polay out in a speculative discussion group here rather than take any of the actions recommended to find out if she is cheating or not. The answer is easy for you to obtain, but it looks like for some reason you do not want to really know.

 

She is not doing this suspoicious activity ob business trips out of town, or anywhere you do not have access to. SHE IS DOING IT RIGHT IUNDER YOUR NOSE AT A GYM THAT IS PROBABLY MINUTES FROM YOUR HOUSE.

 

So if you really want to know why don't you do one or all of the following

(1) put a VAR in her car. It is unlikely that if she is cheating that she is doing it at the gym itself. She is quite possibly just telling you that is where she is going.

And she will be talking in her car where she feels totally safe from your ears.

(2) put a GPS on her car

(3) follow her

(4) tell her you are going somewhere and then wait at the gym to see if she actually arrives

(5) have a friend go to the gym

(6) buy a semen kit and test her lact panties she is wearing to the gym

 

I could go on and on here but so far you seem to be content to make this a discussion group exercise rather than do something.

 

NONE of us know the truth on this. But therfe is opretty much agreement that you have enough RED FLAGS here to do SOMETHING.

 

IF SHE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR, the longer you sit there the harder it will be to figure out how to get it stopped. Women usually enter affairs and get emotionally atttached. You do NOT want that to happen because of inaction on your part.