Best girl ever, don't feel sexual attraction. Crawling Back to LoveShack

[loveweary11]

No lw, you got it backwards.

 

If you actually possessed depth, the fact she isn't petite and brunette would not matter ...

 

Another poster said it earlier, but when you feel that chemistry...that emotional connection, someone who isn't typically your physical "type" ... BECOMES your type.

 

By mere virtue of the chemistry and "connection" you feel and share!

 

You cannot grasp this concept because you lack the necessary depth that would enable you to understand it!

 

You are all hung up on the fact she's not your "physical" type.

 

That, my dear, is shallow...no matter how you want to spin it.

 

From all appearances, you are incapable of getting past the superficial (her looks)... ..so let her go.

 

Since you click so well on a personsl level, perhaps she could be a good friend!

 

 

Ok, this makes sense.

 

This is exactly what I'm trying to do. To allow the attraction that isn't physical to manifest itself physically.

 

My penis says otherwise so far.

 

This isn't about shallow, it's about what makes you horny or not.

 

It's not theoretical objective thinking about categories of looks, it's if your penis gets excited and wants to do stuff with her.

 

Everything else is there. Everything.

 

She's literally "the one', but... not according to the penis.

 

She's around 50% as arousing to me, sexually as my most arousing was.

[Odinani]

Have you managed to enter her yet? Viagra?

 

Ok, this makes sense.

 

This is exactly what I'm trying to do. To allow the attraction that isn't physical to manifest itself physically.

 

My penis says otherwise so far.

 

This isn't about shallow, it's about what makes you horny or not.

 

It's not theoretical objective thinking about categories of looks, it's if your penis gets excited and wants to do stuff with her.

 

Everything else is there. Everything.

 

She's literally "the one', but... not according to the penis.

 

She's around 50% as arousing to me, sexually as my most arousing was.

[loveweary11]

Have you managed to enter her yet? Viagra?

 

Managed to enter? Huh?

 

Are you asking if we had sex? Yeah. You have to... and fast. The orgasms are weaker.

 

 

I don't think you should abuse viagra to try to make a less attractive person seem more attractive. That's plain ignorant.

 

It needs to happen naturally.

 

She simply turns me on about half as much as women who are my physical type do.

 

Are you really suggesting I take drugs to change that?

 

What happens if I had to go off the "attractiveness aid?" Then what?

 

Your plan lacks thought.

[katiegrl]

Ok, this makes sense.

 

This is exactly what I'm trying to do. To allow the attraction that isn't physical to manifest itself physically.

 

My penis says otherwise so far.

 

This isn't about shallow, it's about what makes you horny or not.

 

It's not theoretical objective thinking about categories of looks, it's if your penis gets excited and wants to do stuff with her.

 

Everything else is there. Everything.

 

She's literally "the one', but... not according to the penis.

 

Well, if you are not "attracted to" her .... and by "attracted to," I do not mean that you find her attractive (cause you do)...

 

Being "attracted to" someone incorporates yes the mental connection, yes the emotional connection AND yes the physical connection (in the animalistic sense)..which you DON'T feel.

 

So how can you say she's "the one"? How can she be if you have zero desire to have sex with her! NOT possible!

 

You want her to be ...but you cannot force your penis to respond, no matter how much you might want it to.. You either feel it or you don't ..chemistry, physical or otherwise ...cannot be created or manufactured.

 

Come on, you are 40 years old, you should know this.

 

I do commend you though for at least recognizing this is an issue for you.

 

To resolve (within yourself) would require a lot of introspection on your part though ....

 

Your penis and your emotions are somehow at odds with each other, and are not connecting.

 

They need to connect in order for you to feel both a strong emotional and mental connection AND strong physical attraction.

 

Right now you have the emotional and mental, but not the physical.

 

But yet when you feel the physical, you don't feel the same emotional and mental!

 

There is a disconnect there between penis and emotions ....it's gonna take some analysis to resolve IMO.

[loveweary11]

Damn... I get what you are saying.

 

So I shouldn't even try to see if it will develop more physically based on a growing mental and emotional connection?

 

So it's your advice to get rid of her and keep sorting through the ones that I do find very sexually attractive to hope for another compatible personality?

 

It already took a lifetime to find this one. What if I never find it again?

 

Tbh, I'm pretty scared of that because being on the same level I am is exceeding rare.

 

PS: I'm not 40 yet, folks... I just let you all run with whatever you make up,

 

 

Well, if you are not "attracted to" her .... and by "attracted to," I do not mean that you find her attractive (cause you do)...

 

Being "attracted to" someone incorporates yes the mental connection, yes the emotional connection AND yes the physical connection (in the animalistic sense)..which you DON'T feel.

 

So how can you say she's "the one"? How can she be if you have zero desire to have sex with her! NOT possible!

 

You want her to be ...but you cannot force your penis to respond, no matter how much you might want it to.. You either feel it or you don't ..chemistry, physical or otherwise ...cannot be created or manufactured.

 

Come on, you are 40 years old, you should know this.

 

I do commend you though for at least recognizing this is an issue for you.

 

To resolve (within yourself) would require a lot of introspection on your part though ....

 

Your penis and your emotions are somehow at odds with each other, and are not connecting.

 

They need to connect in order for you to feel both a strong emotional and mental connection AND strong physical attraction.

 

Right now you have the emotional and mental, but not the physical.

 

But yet when you feel the physical, you don't feel the same emotional and mental!

 

There is a disconnect there between penis and emotions ....it's gonna take some analysis to resolve IMO.

[loveweary11]

By the way you describe this situation, I actually think Viagra is perfect for you. An older guy that doesn't find himself attracted to a 20 something tall blonde in perfect shape? There is something wrong there.

 

That something is I have several much hotter brunettes of the same ahe group to choose from and brunettes are what I find attractive.

 

This is me trying to choose personality over looks. And failing i guess?

[loveweary11]

Rereading this over and over, something else comes to mind.

 

When I find ones I want physically, they are usually very, very girly. Think pornstar/stripper type done up.

 

Invariably, these girls are not into travel, minimalist life, nature.

 

Then, I meet ones that are into travel, etc.... they aren't girly enough.

 

This is the issue. Not that the penis/mind aren't connecting.

 

It's that I'm trying to find a short, brunette, minimalist, pornstar type that likes to travel.

 

Quite possibly, this person doesn't exist.

 

Scary to say, my ex was close to this ideal...

 

That cokehead was the exact type, but obviously wasn't right.

 

 

 

Well, if you are not "attracted to" her .... and by "attracted to," I do not mean that you find her attractive (cause you do)...

 

Being "attracted to" someone incorporates yes the mental connection, yes the emotional connection AND yes the physical connection (in the animalistic sense)..which you DON'T feel.

 

So how can you say she's "the one"? How can she be if you have zero desire to have sex with her! NOT possible!

 

You want her to be ...but you cannot force your penis to respond, no matter how much you might want it to.. You either feel it or you don't ..chemistry, physical or otherwise ...cannot be created or manufactured.

 

Come on, you are 40 years old, you should know this.

 

I do commend you though for at least recognizing this is an issue for you.

 

To resolve (within yourself) would require a lot of introspection on your part though ....

 

Your penis and your emotions are somehow at odds with each other, and are not connecting.

 

They need to connect in order for you to feel both a strong emotional and mental connection AND strong physical attraction.

 

Right now you have the emotional and mental, but not the physical.

 

But yet when you feel the physical, you don't feel the same emotional and mental!

 

There is a disconnect there between penis and emotions ....it's gonna take some analysis to resolve IMO.

[katiegrl]

Damn... I get what you are saying.

 

So I shouldn't even try to see if it will develop more physically based on a growing mental and emotional connection?

 

So it's your advice to get rid of her and keep sorting through the ones that I do find very sexually attractive to hope for another compatible personality?

 

It already took a lifetime to find this one. What if I never find it again?

 

Tbh, I'm pretty scared of that because being on the same level I am is exceeding rare.

 

PS: I'm not 40 yet, folks... I just let you all run with whatever you make up,

 

Actually, my advice would be to look deep within yourself, either alone, or with the help of a qualified therapist .... to try to understand why your penis and your emotions are in such conflict with each other.

 

Fear of intimacy perhaps? It's worth at least considering ... as there is definitely a disconnect there which is preventing you from achieving such.

 

If you don't explore this LW, your pattern of feeling sexual attraction but not emotional (and vice versa) will continue. Your choice.

 

Gotta run...good luck!

[katiegrl]

Rereading this over and over, something else comes to mind.

 

When I find ones I want physically, they are usually very, very girly. Think pornstar/stripper type done up.

 

Invariably, these girls are not into travel, minimalist life, nature.

 

Then, I meet ones that are into travel, etc.... they aren't girly enough.

 

This is the issue. Not that the penis/mind aren't connecting.

 

It's that I'm trying to find a short, brunette, minimalist, pornstar type that likes to travel.

 

Quite possibly, this person doesn't exist.

 

Scary to say, my ex was close to this ideal...

 

That cokehead was the exact type, but obviously wasn't right.

 

Well whatever it is ...it's preventing you from achieving real intimacy with a woman you say you want...again, the emotional, mental AND physical.

 

So my advice in my last post still stands....

[lollipopspot]

When I find ones I want physically, they are usually very, very girly. Think pornstar/stripper type done up.

 

Invariably, these girls are not into travel, minimalist life, nature.

 

A minimalist life is in direct opposition to the high maintenance type you describe.

[katiegrl]

A minimalist life is in direct opposition to the high maintenance type you describe.

 

Exactly!

 

Hence the conflict...

 

Worth exploring.

[loveflower]

Why is it always the least well informed that make the most noise/attacks?

 

Do I really need to show you how we met people online 20 years ago?

 

 

 

The History of Chat Rooms | eHow

 

We had MySpace after that.

 

The internet was born decades earlier and I was on the World Wide Web the day it came out, using the Mosaic browser on Sun Sparc Station in my lab at my NASA internship.

 

More lies, huh? lmao

 

alright...looks like I am ignorant:( but, hey, I didn't know you are a computer genius and obviously the girl you met online back then was also a computer genius, because back then the general public don't really use the chat-rooms, much less meeting people off them. Definitely no pic and voice back then right? I thought people at least know what each other look like before they meet, right?

 

when I said 'internet' I meant the http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/www...www and the internet seems synonymous nowadays, I thought people wouldn't know the difference...

 

holy, who knew OP turns out to be a computer genius?

[loveflower]

Rereading this over and over, something else comes to mind.

 

When I find ones I want physically, they are usually very, very girly. Think pornstar/stripper type done up.

 

Invariably, these girls are not into travel, minimalist life, nature.

 

Then, I meet ones that are into travel, etc.... they aren't girly enough.

 

This is the issue. Not that the penis/mind aren't connecting.

 

It's that I'm trying to find a short, brunette, minimalist, pornstar type that likes to travel.

 

Quite possibly, this person doesn't exist.

 

Scary to say, my ex was close to this ideal...

 

That cokehead was the exact type, but obviously wasn't right.

 

huh? doesn't exist? I am short and have brown eyes. I love travel, nature and minimalist too. I am also adventurous. I love snowboarding, skiing and rollerblading those sorts of things. and oh, I can bike without using my hands... oh, guess I am too tomboyish, not girly then. so you are still kindda right!

[xxoo]

Rereading this over and over, something else comes to mind.

 

When I find ones I want physically, they are usually very, very girly. Think pornstar/stripper type done up.

 

Invariably, these girls are not into travel, minimalist life, nature.

 

Then, I meet ones that are into travel, etc.... they aren't girly enough.

 

This is the issue. Not that the penis/mind aren't connecting.

 

It's that I'm trying to find a short, brunette, minimalist, pornstar type that likes to travel.

 

Quite possibly, this person doesn't exist.

 

Scary to say, my ex was close to this ideal...

 

That cokehead was the exact type, but obviously wasn't right.

 

How much porn do you consume?

 

You're looking for a image from the screen to drop down and conform to your life. It seems like a really inflexible fantasy that you've become fixated on.

[anduina]

Strippers aren't that girly but their body language, dress and makeup exhibit exaggerated sexuality.

 

Have you ever heard of the Madonna-whore complex?

[lemoncello]

And the point of this thread is...?

 

Problem: not attracted to the person.

Solution: you don't date them. you date someone you are attracted to.

[edgygirl]

I'm a woman so things might feel different as I understand we are less visual than guys, but I used to think like you and my desire acted accordingly to my thoughts.

 

I had no desire whatsoever for men who were not my "type", or I was not attracted to. So I understand where you're coming from.

 

BUT.

 

The last guy I fell for... I was not attracted to him initially. He wasn't my type either. But I went with the flow and because I liked his brain, I gave it a try. Slowly through our interactions and fooling around he became very attractive to me.

 

Maybe if you try to let your brain go of what your "official" type is, and try to connect mentally and emotionally, you can trick your brain chemistry/wiring to get into her? I was surprised it happened to me but somehow it did. Not sure it'd work with a penis though... as you guys seem to be extremely visual.

 

I am happy I finally realized I should not have a type... anyone can become interesting sexually if I'm into their brain and find them charming. It's been a big relief to me to get to this place.

[kilgore]

I'm a woman so things might feel different as I understand we are less visual than guys, but I used to think like you and my desire acted accordingly to my thoughts.

 

I had no desire whatsoever for men who were not my "type", or I was not attracted to. So I understand where you're coming from.

 

BUT.

 

The last guy I fell for... I was not attracted to him initially. He wasn't my type either. But I went with the flow and because I liked his brain, I gave it a try. Slowly through our interactions and fooling around he became very attractive to me.

 

Maybe if you try to let your brain let go of what your "official" type is, and try to connect mentally and emotionally, you can trick your brain chemistry/wiring to get into her? I was surprised it happened to me but somehow it did. Not sure it'd work with a penis though... as you guys seem to be extremely visual.

 

I am happy I finally realized I should not have a type... anyone can become interesting sexually if I'm into their brain and find them charming. It's been a big relief to me to get to this place.

 

This works for guys too. I always found women more sttrsctuvecifvi clicked with them personally. But maybe because I have a small penis I am not so visual. Lol

[edgygirl]

After I finally grew up (took some time! lol) I learned this too. It's just so much better than whatever pretty face / body. Being interested in someone's brain and soul MAKES them sexually attractive. And it's 10x more powerful than just seeing someone as a pretty body.

 

Me being attracted to a woman is no big thing. Actually being interested in her is another matter.

[joseb]

I'm right there with you. I have never understood the whole concept behind someone only being attracted to a certain type. I like short women, tall women, blondes, brunettes, red heads, Asians, Europeans, you name it. Me being attracted to a woman is no big thing. Actually being interested in her is another matter.

 

I dont think.it's a choice though. You are attracted or you aren't.

 

Personally I'm not too far removed from lw's so called fettish. I prefer petite girls I go for brunettes over blondes. I'm perhaps not as etreme as he is, but I kind of get his preferences.

It's not like I wouldn't get at all aroused by a pretty tall blonde, I just probably wouldn't be overly excited.

But a cute Asian girl, or a smoky latin girl. I'd likely be very aroused. Just the way I am. Not ruling anything out, but based on experience that's what gets be going.

 

And I don't really see why people are calling it a fettish. If a girl says she is only attracted to tall guys, I doubt anyone would suggest that she seeks therapy for her "fettish"!

[Taramere]

I think very few women would be happy to be with a man who didn't view her as his "type" - if he has a specific physical type. Sooner or later the preference is going to be expressed. Maybe in a deliberately hostile way, during a fight. Or else in a way that may be perceived as hostile - via an affair.

 

This is a friendship. Nothing more. To pretend he feels something more, which he would have to do if he were going to try for a romantic relationship, would involve faking feelings he doesn't have. I think most self respecting people would find that quite a destructive pastime...and one which would almost certainly lead to hostility and resentment developing on both sides.

 

I think the OP should be absolutely honest with this girl, that he only sees her as a friend. If she's as gorgeous as he says, she might well think it's a joke or that he's trying to play some sort of passive aggressive game. So he'd need to be up front and say that he's only attracted to a very specific physical type and that it's always been that way. It's not necessarily the end of the friendship. It could be that she isn't really feeling it either, but likes Loveweary on a friendship level and will appreciate having things clarified.

 

I think with most women, feeling that you are attractive to the man is a fundamental aspect of being romantically and sexually attracted to him. If Loveweary clarifies the situation early on, I don't think it's likely to cause much upset. They've not been trying to have a relationship for all that long. What would cause upset is if he tries to fake an attraction to this girl that he doesn't feel (in some misguided "fake it until you make it") move - and then way down the line, after they've been in a serious relationship for some time, the truth comes out.

[thefooloftheyear]

I think its easier for women than men, IME, anyway...I say this as its FAR easier and more common to see an attractive woman with an unattractive man, than the other way around..

 

If you asked me to comprise a list of the ten most attractive women you can find, they'd all pretty much look the same...

 

I think what Tara said rings true...If you go outside that preference, then id say it will eventually be an issue at some point in the relationship..

 

TFY

[loveweary11]

How much porn do you consume?

 

You're looking for a image from the screen to drop down and conform to your life. It seems like a really inflexible fantasy that you've become fixated on.

 

Zero porn.

 

I quit it about 15 years ago. Had better in real life and still do.

 

And yes... it's quite possible there are no very attractive women who are also open minded, free spirited drifters.

 

I think this is the big problem here, after reflection, reading, taking advice and trying to look at everything objectively.

 

I'm looking for a unicorn.

 

What sucks is my ex wife was this, but with massive, diagnosed mental health problems I looked the other way on.

 

Now, I have found a nice, sane one with a perfect personality, but missing the "hot" factor.

 

I keep coming close, but can't seem to get it right.

 

I can't expect all of this in one person, so which do I leave out?

 

Leaving out the "hot" part and trying with this girl that's the subject of the thread seemed like the right thing to do, but popular opinion says no... I shouldn't.

 

[loveweary11]

huh? doesn't exist? I am short and have brown eyes. I love travel, nature and minimalist too. I am also adventurous. I love snowboarding, skiing and rollerblading those sorts of things. and oh, I can bike without using my hands... oh, guess I am too tomboyish, not girly then. so you are still kindda right!

 

Well, you might be the type.

 

When I say girly, I mean feminine in looks. A tomboy who looks like a girl is absolutely the best thing on Earth, imo.

 

I really wonder sometimes if this is more #eastcoastproblems than anything else.

 

Seems there are tons like this out west.

[loveweary11]

Strippers aren't that girly but their body language, dress and makeup exhibit exaggerated sexuality.

 

Have you ever heard of the Madonna-whore complex?

 

 

I'm looking for a really whorish Madonna.

 

I don't have this issue. I'm just trying to find someone sexually exciting at the same time as a perfect match in the other ways.

 

For instance, change the look of the topic of this thread to what arouses me and I'd never, ever let go.