Author anna.s121 Posted November 9, 2015 Author Share Posted November 9, 2015 BC - why would he do that? He is a guy but he still cared for me at the end of our relationship, I can't imagine he would do that. and why is there any more chance of it being that than him actually being unsure of his feels. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 BC - why would he do that? He is a guy but he still cared for me at the end of our relationship, I can't imagine he would do that. and why is there any more chance of it being that than him actually being unsure of his feels. You actually answered your own question with the bolded part I will allow some guys to explain it to you if they want to. He can still care about you and want a hook up. Those two ideas aren't mutually exclusive. Guys just view sex differently than women. It's pretty common for men to have women that they keep on a string for sex. That often includes exes. But. . . . it doesn't really matter if he wants a hook up or not. What does matter is that he has NO intention of getting back together with you. The simple truth is that if he wanted to get back together, he would tell you. He knows you are still into him, but he makes no move. If you want, you can flat out ask him if he wants to get back together. You know what else? People are NOT unsure of their feelings. People know exactly what they want. "Being unsure" is code for: I know I don't want to be with you, but I really like the fringe benefits of having you around. So I'm not quite ready to cut the cord completely. I also don't want the drama of cutting you out of my life, and doing so kinda makes me feel mean. So I'll just keep you around as long as you'll tolerate it, and I'll force you to be the one to cut contact. In fact, I'm hoping you will be the one to cut contact because that takes the pressure off of me. That way, I won't feel so bad about how it ended. If you can understand and accept that fact, you will be miles ahead of many people as you move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author anna.s121 Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 I just don't agree. Don't see why he'd ask to see me more if he actually wanted me out of his life. And I feel unsure so I think people can be, I'm not certain what i want at all. I don't think he wants it right now but is maybe open to the poss hence wants to meet more. The other options don't really make sense to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 I see what you're saying. So, you don't think he will ever want to get back together? Probably not. But definitely not if you continue to orbit him the way you have. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 I just don't agree. Don't see why he'd ask to see me more if he actually wanted me out of his life. And I feel unsure so I think people can be, I'm not certain what i want at all. I don't think he wants it right now but is maybe open to the poss hence wants to meet more. The other options don't really make sense to me. You're projecting your feelings on to him. Rookie mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
Author anna.s121 Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 So you think the best thing for me to do is to ignore him wanting to meet up? And not go? I just don't get why'd he want to see each other more if he had no interest but maybe it is just friends then. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 So you think the best thing for me to do is to ignore him wanting to meet up? And not go? I just don't get why'd he want to see each other more if he had no interest but maybe it is just friends then. Yes. I think you actually need to recover from this breakup. And just because that's the way you'd act doesn't necessarily mean that's the way he's going to act. Stop projecting your feelings and your attitudes on another person. If you ask me, I think he's probably looking for an ego boost/friends with benefits. You're the one that has been chasing him the entire time, and the only time he showed any initiative was when he was drunk. But yeah, it's time you actually took this breakup seriously. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 I just don't agree. Don't see why he'd ask to see me more if he actually wanted me out of his life. And I feel unsure so I think people can be, I'm not certain what i want at all. I don't think he wants it right now but is maybe open to the poss hence wants to meet more. The other options don't really make sense to me. He doesn't want you out of his life. He just wants you as a "friend" at arm's length. I think you know what you want. You just won't outright admit it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author anna.s121 Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 I have taken this break up seriously. And no I don't know what I want. I miss him loads but then I'm not convinced we were right for each other when I think of the relationship as a whole. I'm not convinced he just wants to be friends either but thanks for everyone's advice. I will remain no contact and then see how I feel in a few weeks which is when he wants to meet. I can understand that he would say outright if he wanted to be together but I also still think he could be considering it and be unsure without having seen whether we are any different from last time when it failed. Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 I have taken this break up seriously. And no I don't know what I want. I miss him loads but then I'm not convinced we were right for each other when I think of the relationship as a whole. I'm not convinced he just wants to be friends either but thanks for everyone's advice. I will remain no contact and then see how I feel in a few weeks which is when he wants to meet. I can understand that he would say outright if he wanted to be together but I also still think he could be considering it and be unsure without having seen whether we are any different from last time when it failed. You should do what your heart tells you to. Beyond that, don't pine after someone who no longer cares for you. Let. It. Go. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 I think you should just outright ask him what he wants. It will do you some good to hear the answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author anna.s121 Posted November 11, 2015 Author Share Posted November 11, 2015 Yeah I might just ask or I might ask when we meet soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpkinhead324 Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 You need to read ex BF recovery website. Link to post Share on other sites
Author anna.s121 Posted November 13, 2015 Author Share Posted November 13, 2015 Why? What is the key thing I'd take from it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author anna.s121 Posted November 20, 2015 Author Share Posted November 20, 2015 After the shock of my ex contacting in the way he did has died down, I don't really feel so much like I want him back. I feel as I have done for a long time that I need to talk to him about the break up once to get some closure on what really happened. I think I will do this at the meet up hes suggested. Does anyone have any experience in whether this can be helpful Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 After the shock of my ex contacting in the way he did has died down, I don't really feel so much like I want him back. I feel as I have done for a long time that I need to talk to him about the break up once to get some closure on what really happened. I think I will do this at the meet up hes suggested. Does anyone have any experience in whether this can be helpful My experience is that it wasn't helpful. I was left with more questions. I talked with my ex several times in an attempt to get closure. His answers would change, or he would avoid answering me in a straightforward way. We would disagree about how we viewed past events. It all became very circular and frustrating. It all kind of boils down to: I don't love you enough to stay with you or invest in this any longer. My needs have changed, and this relationship no longer serves those needs. It's not a black and white answer. It's not something you can't understand because your feelings, whatever they may be, are different. You also don't know if your ex will be completely honest. He might want to spare your feelings and change his reasons around. Link to post Share on other sites
foam12 Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 After the shock of my ex contacting in the way he did has died down, I don't really feel so much like I want him back. I feel as I have done for a long time that I need to talk to him about the break up once to get some closure on what really happened. I think I will do this at the meet up hes suggested. Does anyone have any experience in whether this can be helpful It helped me with my ex and think it helped her too. I normally am one to take off and convince myself of how much I dislike that person or only look at the bad things in the relationship, so I never talk to my ex again. This past ex had good reasons as there was a lot of stuff going on (in her life and her family's lives that were external to our relationship) where she couldn't put any time or effort into the relationship anymore. We talked about giving each other space and possibly starting over to see where that leads after she handles everything on her end, but I am focusing on myself right now as that time to start over may never come or work out; I need to work on some things before entering another relationship or starting over with my ex any way. After we had the talk, there is a lot of second guessing on my end. I think when someone dumps you, you lose some trust you once had in that person because you wonder how they could do that to you, so you kind of begin to doubt or question everything they say after that action. I've had limited contact with my ex for the past month since we spoke, but overall I think we are very respectful and it is helping us both move on. My relationship was a great one and I thanked her for the good times, but things happened in her life kept. They say weather the storm, but hers was like one category 5 hurricane after another. I know a lot of people on this site say no contact is a must or the best thing, but I believe it is where you are at with your life and each relationship is different. I've used no contact as a way to help me with my patience as I know our relationship is over. If you do have a conversation about your break up with your ex, keep your expectations low otherwise you may be disappointed. I wrote down a few things I wanted to say and like I said ours was good. You are the only one that can give yourself closure and I believe you will only get about 50-75% closure at the most from a really good conversation. There will still be a lot of questions after that go unanswered. Best of luck to you regardless of what you decide and have a good weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author anna.s121 Posted November 27, 2015 Author Share Posted November 27, 2015 Thanks for replies. I think I want the convo on balance. I don't know whether to ask my ex if we can talk about this stuff beforehand or just bring it up at the meet up? I don't want to drop it on him but then I don't want to create an awkward build up. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 Thanks for replies. I think I want the convo on balance. I don't know whether to ask my ex if we can talk about this stuff beforehand or just bring it up at the meet up? I don't want to drop it on him but then I don't want to create an awkward build up. What exactly do you koan to talk about? Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 You are seeing someone - stop contacting your ex or break it off with your boyfriend. You have already missed out on a year of your life - you are obviously not fully committed to this new person if you are harboring old feelings. It will make forming new solid relationships impossible. If your ex wanted you you would be together. Time to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 What exactly do you koan to talk about? I meant to say "want" to talk about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author anna.s121 Posted November 27, 2015 Author Share Posted November 27, 2015 I meant to say "want" to talk about. Guess there's a few things I want to apologise for re the last few months. And kinda guess where he thinks things went wrong/ why he did it. How he feels about it all now. And hopefully agree on some things that went wrong and alleviate how I feel about my own part in it. And hopefully build up a friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author anna.s121 Posted November 27, 2015 Author Share Posted November 27, 2015 You are seeing someone - stop contacting your ex or break it off with your boyfriend. You have already missed out on a year of your life - you are obviously not fully committed to this new person if you are harboring old feelings. It will make forming new solid relationships impossible. If your ex wanted you you would be together. Time to move on. I've been completely open with my boyfriend who is actually really understanding of my difficulty in coming to terms with it all. I am happy with him but separately not fully healed. I don't want him back which you may have missed me saying above. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 Guess there's a few things I want to apologise for re the last few months. And kinda guess where he thinks things went wrong/ why he did it. How he feels about it all now. And hopefully agree on some things that went wrong and alleviate how I feel about my own part in it. And hopefully build up a friendship. From experience, it's unlikely you will be able to get these things. These conversations tend to bring about more questions. I think these talks can make you feel good for a few days, but, ultimately, you are always going to be left to deal with this and grieve on your own. I think that the more relationships you have, you will realize that there are usually no black and white, logical answers as to WHY it ended. It usually comes down to feelings and one party not feeling strongly enough to continue. You can't quantify and explain feelings, which is why many dumpers are very reticent to discuss why it ended. Because they can't give you any concrete answer unless it was something like cheating or abuse. And the frustrating thing is: you can't understand how your ex feels, so there's really no use in him trying to explain it. As far as alleviating guilt, I'd be careful about using another person to accomplish that. One, there might be a legitimate reason you should feel guilt, and, if that is the case, you should own up to it and process it. Learn from it. Two, if there is no legitimate reason to feel guilt, you don't need him to tell you that. You don't need to rely on another person to take away your guilt if there is no reason for the guilt. You can rely on your own judgement of the situation and let that be enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 Just speaking as a guy, I would have major reservations about getting too emotionally involved with a girl who still had so much unfinished business (in her mind) with her ex. You cannot be fully present for this new guy if there's still so many loose ends (again, in your mind) regarding the last guy. I'm not necessarily saying I'd break it off with her, but I would almost certainly be a bit guarded and hesitant to view it as more than a casual relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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