Update: [Ex-husband] Playing Games

[stillafool]

Whatever. I don't need to apologize for wanting him back. I think the kids want us back too. I think if they had to choose they'd choose us together. I don't want a career or college or a series of jobs. That's never what I wanted. He knew that. My first priority is being a mom to my kids. That's what I put first. They are my job. My husband misses events because he works. I don't want that for me. She works but she is gone too sometimes. Takes her kids and my husband and goes. Sometimes mine too. That's not a life. Obligated to some meaningless job. Not all of us can get jobs where we just pick our hours. Come and go. I don't get to. So I miss some things. So what? I do my best. Not all of us can drop everything. Show up in a portapotty and masks idiots of ourselves. So what? I don't need more obligations to a job. I need less.

 

I don't act like a desperate child like some people do. What's mine I got by being married and it's what owed me. He says he isn't coming back. She says she will pull through. Who cares? Time will tell. I just want what's mine and no games. We were married and that means something. The law agrees he owes me. He still has a responsibility to me. If it means court every week to enforce what's mine then fine.

 

I'm just tired of being told what to do. Being called names. Being told what happened wasn't an affair. I should do this or that. I know what I want and I know how to get it. If court is the only way to get him home fine. At some point going to a home that gets you pulled to court every week is less appealing than going home and having it all stop. She can care for herself. The twins. I don't owe them anything.

 

Unfortunately children grow up, move on with their own lives. What will you do then? Who will support you? Your ex husband will be with his new wife enjoying life, will you just be old and bitter?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Blue dress,

 

Unfortunately we are at a great disadvantage here on ls. We only have one side to a very complicated relationship. We only know the details that you share...and to be very honest...your posts are very difficult to follow.

 

It is hard to piece together your details because sometimes you contradict yourself.

 

I have never felt like you are looking for help. From your first post...you have basically just vented. You show no interest in the opinions of others...you are on a mission...you have a goal....and nothing anyone says seems to change that.

 

Because we are left trying to piece your story together.....because there are holes in your story...because you change things....we don't know what is fact...what is fiction...what is truth and what is speculation.

 

No one here doubts that you want your husband back....what we don't understand is why.

 

No one here doubts that you love your children...what we don't understand is your destructive behavior that involves them. It appears to us that even though you love them...you put them at great emotional risk.

 

No one here doubts that your husband had an affair....and quite honestly...that chapter of his life is closed. He has divorced you..and now has a new life...and while we understand resentment toward him and his wife ....because he hurt you....we don't understand your revenge and hatred toward his children.

 

When you began posting here...your goal was to raise his other children as your own....now you have expressed how you do not really like the children. How can you imagine taking her children into your home to raise them as your own if you harbor resentment and animosity toward them.

 

See how you contradict yourself? Any suggestions made to help you better your situation...you come back with a more radical response that leaves many of us scratching our heads.

 

I have no advice to give you except this....for the sake of your children..please get yourself into therapy. I fear you are on a collision course...and it is not going to end well....

[cocorico]

Also if he left you after one kiss with her then it's likely he wanted to leave you anyways. I doubt he was happy in the marriage

 

It sounds as though he was so desperate to leave that he grabbed the first opportunity that came his way.

 

He probably does love his real wife. Normal is so delicious after you've lived for years on a diet of crazy.

[sandylee1]

 

Nobody can do anything in the school without her being there. She wants to be involved in everything.

 

***** she's a busybody.....wanting to be popular *********

 

She guilts me for missing some things the kids do.

 

*******how does she do this? Is it when you're doing the 10 hours a week work that you miss school stuff **********

 

 

I can't stand being around her.

 

 

***********I totally understand this **************

 

 

She'a lazy and selfish and makes everything she does seem like it's some big accomplishment.

 

 

************She can't be that lazy..making costumes and doing stuff in the school...plus a good paying job ***********

 

 

 

 

Most of my friends understand what I want and support me with doing it. Our marital friends most of them I lost.

 

******* Why? After he took off with another woman...how come they didn't support you?******

 

 

 

He says he doesn't love me. Fine. So he doesn't. Next step is to make him come back to save money and stress.

 

********* You can't make him come back..even the money won't be worth it. He might decide to up and leave the to get away from it all************

 

I make ends meet. It's tight but I do it. I don't need to work more and I don't want to. I shouldn't have to.

 

************** Just like your parental responsibility ends at a certain point.....so does the responsibility an ex has to their ex spouse ****************

 

 

He just said he couldn't trust me and felt trapped.

 

 

**********what made him not trust you ? There must have been a reason he said this*******

 

 

He wanted out. Said he had for awhile.

 

****************you didn't realise you were the only happy one. Something went wrong and you had no clue about it. He should have said something earlier ***************

 

No he didn't cheat before that. There's no way. Not with her or anyone. We shared a car and I got him before and after work every day except the day he left and he rode with a friend. We went everywhere together. When I was at work he was too. We were always together. Two kids. One car. There was no way.

 

 

Maybe the marriage was too stifling for him.

 

But please don't swear blind for him.....I know a guy who dropped and picked his wife to work everyday. She'd jump out of the car and walk into the office.....then on the day she met her OM...The OM was waiting in the car park in his car. They drove off when hubby had gone and he brought her back in time for hubby to pick her up.

 

He had no idea and when THE OBS told him..he refused to believe it......called her a psycho..........that's until he was shown some evidence. You can only vouch for yourself in this life. If someone wants to deceive you...that's they will find a way. To leave for an overweight woman who he'd only kissed.......mmmm

 

 

You'll be very poor once the kids reach 18 if you don't start planning ahead.

[jakrbbt]

I have a book recommendation for you, OP.

 

It's called "How can I Forgive You?" The courage to forgive, the freedom not to."

 

Because you sound much aggrieved and hurt, and maybe you are trying to figure out how to fix the wrong.

 

I read a review of the book by a judge, who gave it to victims of violent crime. The judge said that the book seemed to help immensely.

 

I think an excellent goal for you would be to heal enough so you could determine what is best for your children, without feeling the jabs of past wrongs or unfairness to you. To them, the new wife is not the same as she is to you. She doesn't operate in their lives the same as in yours. She does not likely cause them the same anguish and she certainly does not take the place of you in their hearts (though you might feel that she does sometimes). If their father is happy and thriving in a new relationship, the effect on you might be painful while the effect on them might be positive. Buyt the effect on them is not positive because of its being painful to you. Those are two different things. In the children's lives, the best possible thing is for both parents to be thriving and happy, and any stepparents to be loving and supportive. Second-best is for only one parent to be thriving and happy. Worst is for both parents to be miserable. Your kids might be at the second-best mark. That's good for you-- they are your children. You can get them to the first-best. First, you're upset and you want sympathy and healing. How will you get to the point where you can be thriving and happy as well?

[jakrbbt]

I also have a hunch that if you start supporting yourself substantially (financially), you will suddenly care way, way less about some of this stuff. It will do wonders for your feelings of security, happiness, worth, and other nice things. What kinds of things are you good at doing? What are your talents and skills? Keep updating us. I wish you luck OP.

[stillafool]

I also have a hunch that if you start supporting yourself substantially (financially), you will suddenly care way, way less about some of this stuff. It will do wonders for your feelings of security, happiness, worth, and other nice things. What kinds of things are you good at doing? What are your talents and skills? Keep updating us. I wish you luck OP.

 

She doesn't want to support herself because then she would have no hold over this other womans husband.

[underpants]

Stop saying everything is fake. It's annoying and insulting. What do you want? Names? Addresses?

 

Oh I believe this is real. Classic entitled golden uterus syndrome.

 

She's not wonderful and perfect.

 

No she is NORMAL.

 

First she stole my husband.

No, your husband left, what sounds like an unhappy union of servitude to you. You are not perfect either and can't offer anything further than frankly horror.

 

Honestly I don't like the kids either. Her kids. They just rub me the wrong way.

At least your and your EX husband's children have one stable household.

 

She was fat when he got with her. She got thin. Fat again. Now thin again. She's sloppy. She's not perfect.

 

Neither are you. Are you talking about her 2 pregnancies?

 

Why not make him too uncomfortable to stay? He says he doesn't love me. Fine. So he doesn't. Next step is to make him come back to save money and stress.

Extortion. Rarely works and your kids are watching.

 

When the support stops. I don't know. I haven't thought about it.

 

My guess is your 'dating attempts' did not land a meal ticket to support your princess lifestyle. When your kids age out you will likely turn to them to support you or if you are lucky land another meal ticket, or take public assistance. Your kids may love you, but they are watching and will prefer (if they are sane) a more stable life. It is you that is leading the 'fantasy life'. This has cluster b, golden uterus written all over it. Luckily your kids have some good role models in their life.

 

 

I don't know if her insurance or his is better for the kids. He won't let me compare the plans.

 

What the F plan are you offering? None. So be thankful they are insured at all. Geez, and you are not owed anything. You have been spoiled and entitled enough.

 

Overall I'm tired about her job. I don't need that thrown in my face. He does owe me insurance. He was obligated to keep me on until he got married again and give me notice. He told me two weeks ahead of time.

 

LOL. He has given you 6 YEARS of notice. He doesn't owe you poop.

 

It's like stealing thousands of dollars from me in our settlement.

 

You are the one 'stealing'.

 

 

He isn't hurting. She makes as much as he does. More even. Probably more than ever now. They have a nice house. Two cars. Vacations. Clothes. He got her some ring after surgery that looks tacky. He can afford his obligations. He still has more than when we were married.!

 

Its amazing what a full time job, even a dual/equal partnership can accomplish. He traded up I guess. A princess for a partner. Regardless you are entitled to none of it as you did not contribute.

 

 

Whatever. I don't need to apologize for wanting him back. I think the kids want us back too. I think if they had to choose they'd choose us together.

 

Yes, next step parental alienation. That also serves to manipulate your children later when you 'need stuff'.

 

 

I don't want a career or college or a series of jobs. That's never what I wanted. He knew that. My first priority is being a mom to my kids. That's what I put first. They are my job.

Okay, sleeping beauty. You kids seem to be 'you tools'.

 

 

What's mine I got by being married and it's what owed me.

...and there it is. I'm sorry if your family instilled this entitlement in you and I hope your EX husbands new marriage undoes some of that. You really need some help...for you.

[Lurkeraspect]

Oh I believe this is real. Classic entitled golden uterus syndrome.

 

 

 

No she is NORMAL.

 

 

No, your husband left, what sounds like an unhappy union of servitude to you. You are not perfect either and can't offer anything further than frankly horror.

 

 

At least your and your EX husband's children have one stable household.

 

 

 

Neither are you. Are you talking about her 2 pregnancies?

 

 

Extortion. Rarely works and your kids are watching.

 

 

 

My guess is your 'dating attempts' did not land a meal ticket to support your princess lifestyle. When your kids age out you will likely turn to them to support you or if you are lucky land another meal ticket, or take public assistance. Your kids may love you, but they are watching and will prefer (if they are sane) a more stable life. It is you that is leading the 'fantasy life'. This has cluster b, golden uterus written all over it. Luckily your kids have some good role models in their life.

 

 

 

 

What the F plan are you offering? None. So be thankful they are insured at all. Geez, and you are not owed anything. You have been spoiled and entitled enough.

 

 

 

LOL. He has given you 6 YEARS of notice. He doesn't owe you poop.

 

 

 

You are the one 'stealing'.

 

 

 

 

Its amazing what a full time job, even a dual/equal partnership can accomplish. He traded up I guess. A princess for a partner. Regardless you are entitled to none of it as you did not contribute.

 

 

 

 

Yes, next step parental alienation. That also serves to manipulate your children later when you 'need stuff'.

 

 

 

Okay, sleeping beauty. You kids seem to be 'you tools'.

 

 

 

...and there it is. I'm sorry if your family instilled this entitlement in you and I hope your EX husbands new marriage undoes some of that. You really need some help...for you.

 

Yes, yes, yes! OP, are you listening?

[BlueDress]

Sandy she is nosey. She suffocates her kids. She isn't as bad with mine but she's still always around. When the twins started school she was crying and really upset. She never leaves those kids alone. When I miss things or say I can't go she just doesn't let it go. She wants to know if I need a ride, if she needs to reschedule, if I want videos or pictures, if she needs to get anything. She sends me pictures or emails videos or makes copies of papers. Because you couldn't make it I did this, I did that. Stuff like that. If I don't go it's because my car is on the fritz or I'm at work or it's something that doesn't interest me.

 

She is lazy. She sews costumes and goes to school and has a job. Who cares? If she doesn't want to do something she won't. She talks about all of these events she does but she does them badly. Her fitness stuff with the awful times. Her job isn't hard. Lately it takes a act of God to get her do anything that isn't school related but even then she misses things now. Probably because of the cancer.

 

When he left our marital friends pretty much abandoned me. His close friends never liked me. The rest of them just chose him over me. I don't know why. They just did. Guys side with the guys and where they go their wives go.

 

He didn't cheat beyond what he said he did. There is no way. I would have known if he left work or wasn't at work. It would have got to me. We weren't perfect but we were happy. Things were hard sometimes but we were fine.

[Lurkeraspect]

Sandy she is nosey. She suffocates her kids. She isn't as bad with mine but she's still always around. When the twins started school she was crying and really upset. She never leaves those kids alone. When I miss things or say I can't go she just doesn't let it go. She wants to know if I need a ride, if she needs to reschedule, if I want videos or pictures, if she needs to get anything. She sends me pictures or emails videos or makes copies of papers. Because you couldn't make it I did this, I did that. Stuff like that. If I don't go it's because my car is on the fritz or I'm at work or it's something that doesn't interest me.

 

She is lazy. She sews costumes and goes to school and has a job. Who cares? If she doesn't want to do something she won't. She talks about all of these events she does but she does them badly. Her fitness stuff with the awful times. Her job isn't hard. Lately it takes a act of God to get her do anything that isn't school related but even then she misses things now. Probably because of the cancer.

 

When he left our marital friends pretty much abandoned me. His close friends never liked me. The rest of them just chose him over me. I don't know why. They just did. Guys side with the guys and where they go their wives go.

 

He didn't cheat beyond what he said he did. There is no way. I would have known if he left work or wasn't at work. It would have got to me. We weren't perfect but we were happy. Things were hard sometimes but we were fine.

 

Anika has nailed you. Punking us all. Pfft. You're just not worth an infraction or being banned. There are real people who need help.

[BlueDress]

She isn't normal and I don't even know what golden uterus means. Our marriage wasn't unhappy. We had bumps but we were a normal couple.

 

She was fat. She wasn't fat because she was pregnant. She lost the weight after the kids but the pregnancy didn't make her fat. She's a good role model? She stole my husband. Broke up their home. How is that good?

 

He can't avoid I was his wife. I was his wife first. He owes me too. He has obligations to me in our divorce. We were married. He owes me and the kids. A partner? A PARTNER? She's a weight he has to care for now. Her job and her costumes and suffocating her kids. Doesn't matter. She's not this amazing equal. She is the reason he took FMLA and started this whole mess because she can't care for herself. Her surgeries and who knows what else. I shouldn't have to get told my benefits are cut because she has some crisis. He can't work because of her and her supposed needs. She's sewing costumes and wandering around town. Clearly she doesn't need help. This is all some big ploy to get him out of his obligation to me orchestrated by her. I know it. Oh her new contract is so great? Sounds like he could afford to keep paying to me. This equal partner who hangs off his neck like an anchor. Gets him to take leave for something she could have dealt with with her sister just fine. So he's ending his leave early because of my bills? Not my problem. He should have thought about it before leaving work and putting his family in a lurch.

[Lurkeraspect]

She sounds lovely.

[BlueDress]

You follow me from thread to thread to insult me. Please stop. I have real problems and nowhere else to talk about it. I deserve a sounding board too. So you think I'm fake. Then think I'm fake without joining my discussion and keep it to yourself. I'm very tired of it.

[Lurkeraspect]

You follow me from thread to thread to insult me. Please stop. I have real problems and nowhere else to talk about it. I deserve a sounding board too. So you think I'm fake. Then think I'm fake without joining my discussion and keep it to yourself. I'm very tired of it.

 

You've been given wonderful advice. You choose to ignore everything. So, that's on you. And, I'm free to follow the story you spin from thread to thread.

[BlueDress]

I don't agree with some of the advice. That doesn't mean I have to deal with you calling me fake on every discussion. You have nothing to say that adds to anything so you just are rude and insulting. If you think I'm so fake then leave me alone.

[Lurkeraspect]

I don't agree with some of the advice. That doesn't mean I have to deal with you calling me fake on every discussion. You have nothing to say that adds to anything so you just are rude and insulting. If you think I'm so fake then leave me alone.

 

Be honest, Blue. You don't agree with ANY advice. You've lost all your friends and family, you've come here and been giving advice that you think is crap. You're living in some delusional world. Please get help. Your EX husband is just that, your EX. He has a new wife, other kids. His job is no longer to fund your world. His obligation is to help you raise your joint kids. That's it. You won't be winning him back. The court system isn't going to order him home. Your marriage is long over and dead. I still think Anika is correct. If you'd paid attention.

[Lurkeraspect]

Oh I believe this is real. Classic entitled golden uterus syndrome.

 

 

 

No she is NORMAL.

 

 

No, your husband left, what sounds like an unhappy union of servitude to you. You are not perfect either and can't offer anything further than frankly horror.

 

 

At least your and your EX husband's children have one stable household.

 

 

 

Neither are you. Are you talking about her 2 pregnancies?

 

 

Extortion. Rarely works and your kids are watching.

 

 

 

My guess is your 'dating attempts' did not land a meal ticket to support your princess lifestyle. When your kids age out you will likely turn to them to support you or if you are lucky land another meal ticket, or take public assistance. Your kids may love you, but they are watching and will prefer (if they are sane) a more stable life. It is you that is leading the 'fantasy life'. This has cluster b, golden uterus written all over it. Luckily your kids have some good role models in their life.

 

 

 

 

What the F plan are you offering? None. So be thankful they are insured at all. Geez, and you are not owed anything. You have been spoiled and entitled enough.

 

 

 

LOL. He has given you 6 YEARS of notice. He doesn't owe you poop.

 

 

 

You are the one 'stealing'.

 

 

 

 

Its amazing what a full time job, even a dual/equal partnership can accomplish. He traded up I guess. A princess for a partner. Regardless you are entitled to none of it as you did not contribute.

 

 

 

 

Yes, next step parental alienation. That also serves to manipulate your children later when you 'need stuff'.

 

 

 

Okay, sleeping beauty. You kids seem to be 'you tools'.

 

 

 

...and there it is. I'm sorry if your family instilled this entitlement in you and I hope your EX husbands new marriage undoes some of that. You really need some help...for you.

 

And this. Did you read this?

[beach]

It's not an affair, it's a marriage.

 

It's best to address reality. He's married to her. You should expect her to attend every event with him.

 

What happens with her is really none of your concern.

[cocorico]

I have real problems

 

Yes. But not the ones you claim.

 

Please seek professional help.

[minimariah]

OP there was a poster on LS who used to like to make up stories and pretend to be other people in her past affair. Sometimes she liked to pretend to be the betrayed wife. As the BW she would post in ways to make the BW look pathetic and evil. Her stories made the BW into a cartoony joke. I can't say for sure that you are not a real poster but your story sounds an awful lot like one of those caricatures that poster like to create.

 

^^

 

bingo.

[Popsicle]

Somebody just sad he doesn't seem to love her.

 

Except he does like her slightly more than you. She is, or was when he left you, more romantic than you. And I'm not just talking about sex (for the romantically challenged).

 

The stuff you're doing is not romantic. That's more about obligation to you and the kids.

Edited November 3, 2015 by Popsicle

[Popsicle]

I also have a hunch that if you start supporting yourself substantially (financially), you will suddenly care way, way less about some of this stuff. It will do wonders for your feelings of security, happiness, worth, and other nice things. What kinds of things are you good at doing? What are your talents and skills? Keep updating us. I wish you luck OP.

 

I too encourage you to think more about moving in the direction of supporting yourself. You will feel so much better when you do.

[stillafool]

Actually his new wife sounds like a lovely, caring woman. No wonder he wants her. I can't imagine having cancer and still trying to do all the things she does to make life fun for her family. No wonder he loves her so much. She is good to his kids which I'm sure he appreciates as well. I think the kids will see the truth in this situation in the end.

[daisygirl19]

This is one of the most bizarre things I have ever read. I truly don't understand what game you think your ex is playing. He's simply living his life, with his family. It doesn't include you. I can't figure out why you think you have some claim to him, or his wife and their kids. Their world does not, and should not, revolve around you and your selfish needs/wants. Your sense of entitlement is unreal. He's married to someone else, and that marriage has already lasted longer than yours. I hope, for everyone's sake, you find a way to face reality and move on.