Update: [Ex-husband] Playing Games

[WasOtherWoman]

If he's choosing to go back to work, picking his poison, that means he is choosing us right? He had to choose between her and us. He picked us. That means something. A big something. We are looking at a matter of time like I said. That's the only thing it could mean.

 

Or.... maybe he is choosing to NOT GO TO JAIL by missing his CS payments?? Just sayin'

[BlueDress]

I didn't say he married her 6 years ago. I said he left. 6 years ago. I've always said that. I said that being only married just recently for insurance was suspicious. When I said that meant something people jumped all over me.

 

I don't know why she is in and out of her wheelchair. I said that. I said it was suspicious. Didn't match what he said in court about her needing help. Being sick. When I pointed that out people got on my case too.

 

You people are so focused to think the worst of me. When I say he didn't marry her until recently and it made no sense I get attacked. When I say she must not be as sick because she isn't in her wheelchair all the time and it makes no sense I get attacked. I get attacked for saying it and it not adding up? When I said it didn't add up to begin with?

 

He told me she was sick. He told the court she was sick. He filed for FMLA saying his wife was terminally ill. I don't know why she's in and out of a wheelchair. I don't know why he married her only 6 months ago. I don't know why she doesn't stay in a wheelchair. What else can I do to find it out? I don't know what is going through his head. I said all along it doesn't make sense and was called cruel for saying it. Now I'm a liar because now you get why it doesn't make sense too?

[daisygirl19]

The bottom line is, it's none of your business why they married six months ago. It's none of your business why she's in and out of a wheelchair. They owe you nothing, other than the handouts you're already getting, and to be honest, you're getting WAY more than you deserve. I suspect because he was so desperate to get away from you and move on with his life he gave in. I don't fault you for that actually, as he agreed to it.

 

Our problem with your story is that is so convoluted and you seem to be lacking all sense of reality. Your reasoning is off the wall. For some reason, you think forcing him to go back to work, instead of caring for his terminally ill wife is a win for you. You think it means he's choosing you over her. You're making it a competition when the reality is, you lost the game long ago, by your own selfish actions.

 

He sounds like a very reasonable man who is putting his kids above all else. She sounds like a lovely person. A dying woman who is making her last days as happy as possible for her kids and yours. And we're gleaming all of this from your side of the story. It's absolutely mind blowing.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Sweetheart you have to understand that your very first post was about remarrying your ex husband when his sick wife dies and raising her children as your own. And the story from there has so many different facets and unfortunately none of them put you in a good light.

 

You have the sympathy of everyone... No one deserves to be cheated on... But even that part of the story changes.. So what are we to believe?

 

There has to be some consistency and unfortunately you have not provided any for us. I have never attacked you ... I have tried to understand your mindset... And I am very confused ...

 

Have you read what you have written? I don't think I am the only one who is confused and frustrated.

 

I want to know what you are looking for. Do you want support from us ... Do you want us to be honest? Or do you want us to tell you we agree with you even though we all or at least most of us ... Think you are making huge mistakes in the way you are handling your situation?

[StBreton]

Ok Bluedress (is that Devil with the Bluedress on?) I digress

 

I've followed this saga from the beginning ... I have troubles with some of your thinking however I empathize with you.

 

Just wondering ...

 

Are you "suspicious" because you're thinking that since your ex didn't marry until recently he really isn't "all in" with his new wife and deep down is still thinking the two of you will get together and he only married her because of the illness? That the only reason your ex stayed with this woman is because she got pregnant and he didn't want to leave her and just stayed from that point on?

 

And ...are you suspicious about the new wife "milking" her illness in order to impel your ex to marry her?

 

I don't know how you were emotionally/mentally when you were with your ex ... but your actions now will not impel him to be with you should his current wife pass on. While you exhibit that you are crazy for him ... You also exhibit that you are a bit crazy ... Maybe more than a bit. If you are at all the religious person you profess to be ... Turn the other cheek and go be the amazing woman he or any other guy would fall for ... But first be the best mom you can be ... you say you are but you don't exhibit that presence of mind on this forum.

[jakrbbt]

Bluedress, bluedress in distress,

 

Whoever your ex chose, here is who YOU should choose:

 

YOU should choose your children.

 

Choose their happiness. Their future.

 

And (this part is important): Do it by going to a family therapist, preferably one who specializes in divorced families, and asking (humbly asking) how you can best serve your children's stability and future.

 

You won't hate the answer. But neither is it what you've been seeking here.

 

This is about the children. Or it should be.

[StBreton]

Bluedress, bluedress in distress,

 

Whoever your ex chose, here is who YOU should choose:

 

YOU should choose your children.

 

Choose their happiness. Their future.

 

And (this part is important): Do it by going to a family therapist, preferably one who specializes in divorced families, and asking (humbly asking) how you can best serve your children's stability and future.

 

You won't hate the answer. But neither is it what you've been seeking here.

 

This is about the children. Or it should be.

 

 

So so true. I brought this very assertion up many pages ago and another poster actually responded to me that this thread is not about the children. I agree with you. It is all about the children and their need for as much stability and unconditional love and expression of that love as possible.

[underpants]

I put in an order for full custody through my lawyer today.

 

So when is that court date?

 

Today she picked up the kids by herself.

 

I thought it was ruled that she could not spend any 'unsupervised' time with them or drive them, and her sister was also not allowed, the sister that according to you is her caregiver while her husband is at work? Or did that home study resolve something?

[Lurkeraspect]

So when is that court date?

 

 

 

I thought it was ruled that she could not spend any 'unsupervised' time with them or drive them, and her sister was also not allowed, the sister that according to you is her caregiver while her husband is at work? Or did that home study resolve something?

 

The ever fluid story...

 

Seems the step mom is only barred from interacting with the kids until it's an inconvenience for the OP to do so. Yet another reason her bogus claim that the stepmom is unfit, and her claim for full custody will fall flat.

[underpants]

The ever fluid story...

 

Seems the step mom is only barred from interacting with the kids until it's an inconvenience for the OP to do so. Yet another reason her bogus claim that the stepmom is unfit, and her claim for full custody will fall flat.

 

I don't agree that the story is "ever fluid". It is very one sided, and that is why I find it enlightening. So many times you hear 'cheated' and people rush to judgement and lose all empathy or objectiveness, and I throw no stones as in my younger years was guilty of the same.

 

Its refreshing to me to see some deeper layers even if that is not the intent.

 

I'd like to her Blue's answers, and I take it as a good sign that she is reaching out.

 

200 dollars a month could be spent on better things then dragging an ex to court and risking the 1600 a month she currently receives. Betty Broderick got 16,000 a month in support and deemed it unacceptable. She is in prison for ultimately killing her ex husband and his wife (coincidentally or not, when her kids were aging out of support pmts) and still has supporters.

 

smh.

Edited November 6, 2015 by underpants

[Lurkeraspect]

I say fluid, because the story is constantly changing. One week the step mom is banned from seeing OPs kids, next week, she's picking them up. In one post she wants her ex husband back, in another, he's a manipulative ass. One thing is certain, the kids will suffer in all this mess, and the ex husband isn't coming back. Why would he?

[underpants]

I say fluid, because the story is constantly changing. One week the step mom is banned from seeing OPs kids, next week, she's picking them up. In one post she wants her ex husband back, in another, he's a manipulative ass. One thing is certain, the kids will suffer in all this mess, and the ex husband isn't coming back. Why would he?

 

Yes I would like clarification on the banned order.

 

Everything else just reads entitlement to me. That is why I was curious of her age (roughly). If you marry young with no formal education, no aspirations beyond being a parent (with no plan that does not involve someone else supporting that choice) and make babies, stay at home raising them, while the other spouse pays the bills. It is a classic provider/caregiver dynamic which will end (empty nest) if not before (resentment). In crude terms the 'free ride' will end.

 

There are other relational dynamics. For every, it's cheaper to keep the spouse scenario, there are spouses that find them selves better off financially without the spend thrift/un/under employed spouse.

 

If your side jobs becomes destroying someone else's life. You need to find a better outlet to make money.

 

They are out the Blue. Besides being mother of the year, what do you enjoy when your ex has the kids? What do you like to do for yourself?

[anika99]

I say fluid, because the story is constantly changing. One week the step mom is banned from seeing OPs kids, next week, she's picking them up. In one post she wants her ex husband back, in another, he's a manipulative ass. One thing is certain, the kids will suffer in all this mess, and the ex husband isn't coming back. Why would he?

 

LOL..are there any kids? Is there an ex husband with a sick wife? Is the OP a betrayed spouse?

[BlueDress]

The kids. Her kids. The twins. I already said that Friday is my day with my kids. I was there when she got the twins and it was just her. How else would I know she was there alone? In an out of a wheelchair? I was there to get my kids. I saw. On days they get them I'm not there. I wouldn't know what pickup is like then.

 

She can't be alone with my two kids. I said that already. I don't know if home study happened. I assume so. We talk with the lawyers and judge Tuesday at 10. He was served today so I guess that comes up Tuesday too. I said the banned order says she can't be around them alone and they couldn't come to the hospital. I thought she couldn't be around them at all. That's what I asked filed. My lawyer explained she can't be alone with them until we can prove she isn't strung out. They can't go to the hospital at all even if it's with other people. I explained this.

 

My story hasn't changed. People just don't understand. It's hard to think of how to refer to the kids so it's clear. Usually when I talk about it I call her kids the kids and refer to mine by name. I can't do that here. I hate calling her kids the twins. It's a lie and obnoxious. it's hard to know how to identify them.

 

If all people have to offer is to call me a liar and purposely misunderstand me then don't reply. I'm trying to talk about this. Wade through and answer the questions. I can't do that when the same couple people clog everything up to call me names. Say I'm a liar. It's annoying. I haven't been ride to anybody here. I don't deserve stuff like that. My life is stressful enough. I don't need people telling me my life is fake and my problems a lie.

 

My ultimate goal is I want my husband back. Like I said before that doesn't mean I'm going to let go of what is owed to me. I can want him back but say he is manipulating things. Half of it I'm sure isn't him. As long as he isn't back he needs to pay. I said I could be flexible if he just gave me some assurances. That hasn't happened so I need to protect my kids.

Edited November 7, 2015 by BlueDress

[jakrbbt]

The best way to protect your kids would be to get the best job you can and get on with your life, as well as see a family counselor with them and follow that counselor's advice in helping the children to thrive. You'd thank yourself for it, too.

[BlueDress]

Yes I'm suspicious about why it took so long to marry her. We didn't wait to get married. The love of his life he won't marry?

 

I think she is milking whatever is wrong with her. I confronted him today about this and the other things. He told me she is in and out because it has to do with how tired or sore she is. I said that couldn't be true. Either you need it or you don't. He had more excuses. It's hard to pack. The car and 4 kids and their bags and the chair won't all fit. She doesn't like it. It doesn't fit in the house. That isn't how it works though. You need it. You don't. Not sometimes. Right?

 

When my husband has the kids I go grocery shopping. Regular shopping. Watch movies. Hulu. Netflix. Catch up on sleep. I don't know. The same things everybody does.

[BlueDress]

I don't have insurance. I can't afford counseling. There is pastoral counseling but that isn't helpful. I did some sessions at the free clinic but I'm maxed out there. I spent some time at an inpatient program at the hospital. The debt from that was huge. Helpful or not I can't afford that.

[StBreton]

FWIW ... I don't think you're lying. This is your thread so I won't talk about my story except to say I'm divorced with school aged children and that I empathize with you. It's really difficult path. I just think if you talked about your kids and your love for them more you would realize that they need to be at the forefront. As you are a religious woman...you know that God comes first right?

 

I do understand your suspicions about the marriage ... I just wonder if the marriage didn't occur until the illness due to the combined income factor and that your ex might have to pay more to you due to your ex and his current wife's income. (can you give her a name please so it's easier to refer to her ... even if it's a derogatory name which might have the affect of quelling your anger). The marriage might also have occurred because it is easier with custody of the "twins" upon death of one spouse.

 

As for milking "her" illness... who knows ... you don't know if she used the illness to impel your ex to marry her ... only they know that.

 

In all of this ... I just wonder if you've been like this the entire 6 years or did something trigger your ire ... how old are the kids? Did you just have a relationship that ended?

 

It's good you have some activities that you like to do. You didn't mention church or church activities ... I wonder about that. There's so much good in that and participating might have the affect of getting you "out of your head" a little bit. Just sayin' ... don't shoot the messenger.

[StBreton]

For future clarification ... when you say you're "suspicious" of something... please identify why you are suspicious as it helps to identify your frame of mind. Thank you.

[BlueDress]

The income has nothing to do with them not marrying. He had been told I couldn't already. Her income is hers. Trust me I tried. If she dies that changes based off of what he inherits from her I think. I'm not sure. I don't think it has to do with the twins. Who else would take them?

 

I'm suspicious that things aren't right. It didn't take us 6 years to get married. We didn't get married for insurance. It seems like she is using him. That sounds like a business thing. Not love. I've always wondered what she's in it for.

 

Church isn't a good fit right now. We got married at my parents church. I think I am really focused on because of what happened. Before our second was born we went there for counseling. I feel like I'm seen as a failure by the church leaders. My mother shared a lot. With people there. Its not a fun environment. I've thought about new churches. I joined a new one to help get my husband to come back. Tried to push for counseling. They tried but he wasn't into it. A lot of his coworkers go there.

[StBreton]

The income has nothing to do with them not marrying. He had been told I couldn't already. Her income is hers. Trust me I tried. If she dies that changes based off of what he inherits from her I think. I'm not sure. I don't think it has to do with the twins. Who else would take them?

 

I'm suspicious that things aren't right. It didn't take us 6 years to get married. We didn't get married for insurance. It seems like she is using him. That sounds like a business thing. Not love. I've always wondered what she's in it for.

 

Church isn't a good fit right now. We got married at my parents church. I think I am really focused on because of what happened. Before our second was born we went there for counseling. I feel like I'm seen as a failure by the church leaders. My mother shared a lot. With people there. Its not a fun environment. I've thought about new churches. I joined a new one to help get my husband to come back. Tried to push for counseling. They tried but he wasn't into it. A lot of his coworkers go there.

 

 

Her sister might take them.

 

She could really love him and he held out getting married a second time ... because as most know... the failure of 2nd marriages is like 75%.

 

If you are religious at all...go to any church. Sorry OP...I'm calling your bluff... I'm a church going person ... I actually go to 2 different churches for different reasons... one for divorcecare classes/bible study/mom's group and the other for worship. Some of the most healing parts of divorce (there were a few) for me was it brought me closer to God. Your excuse doesn't hold water at all. There are so many churches ... if you wanted some healing you would go to one ... even if it were an hour away so no one would know you. If the last church you went to was 6 years ago trying to get your ex back ... that's a long time ago for someone who's been through as much trauma as you have and who is purportedly "religious" ... you say your marriage is still valid in the eyes of God but you've turned against God by not going to church ... communing with others at church was one of the things that got me through some weeks during and after my divorce...weeks I didn't even know if I'd make it through without breaking down. Especially the women's retreats. Church helped me with fellowship and forgiveness.

Edited November 7, 2015 by StBreton

[Mr. Lucky]

 

I think she is milking whatever is wrong with her. I confronted him today about this and the other things. He told me she is in and out because it has to do with how tired or sore she is. I said that couldn't be true. Either you need it or you don't. He had more excuses. It's hard to pack. The car and 4 kids and their bags and the chair won't all fit. She doesn't like it. It doesn't fit in the house. That isn't how it works though. You need it. You don't. Not sometimes. Right?

 

Absolutely. None. Of. Your. Business.

 

You remind me of one of those stalkers who goes from reading the Enquirer to getting arrested looking in Brad Pitts window. Live your own life, leave this man (now long divorced from you) and woman alone...

 

Mr. Lucky

[StBreton]

Blue...you know bitterness is just the outgrowth of a lack of forgiveness right? Is that why you don't want to go to church ... because you'd have to face the word of God ... your lack of forgiveness?

 

I'm not here to be harsh ... to put you down ... to call you a liar ... but do you see any truth in any of this or any other words spoken on this thread?

 

I wonder ... if you were to truly face the possibility of being alone ... not having your ex in the picture in the future at all ... do you fear completely breaking down? It is ok if you are feeling this way. You would not be alone in this feeling.

Edited November 7, 2015 by StBreton

[Lurkeraspect]

The income has nothing to do with them not marrying. He had been told I couldn't already. Her income is hers. Trust me I tried. If she dies that changes based off of what he inherits from her I think. I'm not sure. I don't think it has to do with the twins. Who else would take them?

 

I'm suspicious that things aren't right. It didn't take us 6 years to get married. We didn't get married for insurance. It seems like she is using him. That sounds like a business thing. Not love. I've always wondered what she's in it for.

 

Church isn't a good fit right now. We got married at my parents church. I think I am really focused on because of what happened. Before our second was born we went there for counseling. I feel like I'm seen as a failure by the church leaders. My mother shared a lot. With people there. Its not a fun environment. I've thought about new churches. I joined a new one to help get my husband to come back. Tried to push for counseling. They tried but he wasn't into it. A lot of his coworkers go there.

 

This is none of your business. Maybe it took them 6 years to marry, because of you and your demands. Maybe he was in no rush to get married again, ever. His experience with you wasn't so glowing, still isn't. Maybe they did get married for the insurance (none of your business). Maybe they got married because she is terminally ill, and it would make things easier to deal with legally. Again, absolutely none of your business.

 

Can't you just leave these people alone? Try getting a life of your own.

[BlueDress]

My mother is religious and says we are still married in the eyes of God. I don't know if I believe that I said. My mother is conservative. I'm not really. Faith doesn't mean the same thing to me it does to her. My husband said he was religious. I don't think that's the case either.

 

Church might be great for you. I don't think it's great for me right now. It's not about bluffing you. My parents church makes me uncomfortable. The church I turned to when he left I don't like. It's filled with his coworkers. I don't have the energy to go out there to find a new church. I don't want that obligation. I don't want to be around more people right now. I don't want a group to go to where I spill my guts out. I feel like everybody knows me. Or knows them. I do better with people I know and trust. Or people who don't know me. I know what church does for people. I grew up with it. I don't want that right now. For me.

 

My whole life feels like it's one big obligation to other people. Him. Her. Kids. Work. Family. Lawyers. Court. I don't want more obligations. Expectations. I want a life that belongs to me at some point. Maybe it's a paranoid thing to say. I don't know. It's just I don't want a wider circle like that. I want less not more. The last time I felt like I had a bit of my own life was with my husband. Things just worked.