Emotional vs Physical Cheating...

[whatnot]

Can someone explain to me what is emotional cheating? I don't know what it is.

It's what any given woman says it is.

 

Any pang of jealousy felt by some women elicits the "emotional cheating" card. Likewise....

 

Any pang of jealousy felt by a man elicits the "emotional abuse" card by some women.

 

Comprende?

Edited June 3, 2017 by whatnot

[CptInsano]

Cheating emotionally is too amorphous of a concept to make sense to me. It's closer to the definition of thought crime than cheating from my perspective. That being said, I don't remember being in love with a woman and not wanting to have sex with her.

[CptInsano]

IMO, male-female friendship does not exist. There is always an emotional or physical element to it, even if subconscious, that will ultimately develop into something else if not stopped. Every such situation that I have witnessed (friends' experiences, etc.) has ended up "badly".

 

Yes, you are probably attracted to some degree to your friends, simply because they have some attractive qualities. Otherwise you wouldn't be friends. But no, it doesn't automatically develop into something else for many people, simply because you may very well know that you're not compatible.

 

I remember a boyfriend of one of my female friends acting jealous after I had a beer with her. All I could think of was that I know her for about 5 years and nothing happened, not even close. Why should it suddenly become an issue now? How could one even prove the negative to a jealous spouse, which is what the concept of emotional cheating boils down to from my perspective.

[elaine567]

. I don't really tell my wife how close we are as friends.

This is where it skipped over the boundary into being an affair.

[elaine567]

"Cheating occurs when one partner goes outside the marriage to look for a connection, either physical or EMOTIONAL. "

This is an emotional connection so close that you are hiding it from your wife. Of course it is cheating, whether you want to think of it that way or not. What would your wife say about it if she knew?

[somanymistakes]

IMO, male-female friendship does not exist. There is always an emotional or physical element to it, even if subconscious, that will ultimately develop into something else if not stopped. Every such situation that I have witnessed (friends' experiences, etc.) has ended up "badly".

 

So, again, you think bisexuals are not allowed to have any friends and must lock themselves in boxes for the rest of their lives?

 

Do you really attempt to sleep with every member of the opposite sex you have ever spoken to?

 

I can understand the people who worry about extremely deep friendships, because for most people if you have an intense and private emotional connection and any element of sexuality is possible between you, the issue will arise at some point, although just because the question will probably come up doesn't mean you will definitely fall into bed with each other or anything like that.

 

But to say that friendship is not possible at all is a horrifying way to look at the world and leads to a lot of negative repercussions.

[somanymistakes]

Can someone explain to me what is emotional cheating? I don't know what it is.

 

I have a very close female friend. She used to be the girlfriend of a very good friend of mine. They broke up, and for whatever un-explicable reason, me and her would up getting closer as friends after they broke up and have become closer over the years. We don't have sex and have never had sex. The feeling is sort of like sibling close. Its hard hard to explain. She even went to my wedding. We go out for dinner and or coffee about once a month or every other month to catch up on stuff. We talk about everything. Family. Relationships. Work. Travel. I helped her moved a few times. I don't really tell my wife how close we are as friends.

 

How much this is a problem depends to some extent on what you mean by not really telling your wife how close you are as friends. Are you actively concealing/minimising how much you hang out and stuff, or are you just not singing her praises to your wife all the time? Some would say that this hint of deception combined with you having to ask the question in the first place suggests that you're definitely cheating. Me, I think it's not that straightforward.

 

Secrets in a marriage are trouble. They're not necessarily 'cheating' and they don't have to be for them to still be a problem. If you lie to your wife about going out with the guys to drink beers and bet on horse races, or whatever, that's still a marital problem even if it's obviously not cheating. In the same way, if you're intentionally hiding a friendship, even if it is 100% a friendship and nothing is going on or ever will go on, it implies there's a failure of trust between you and your spouse.

 

Some people think that relying on anyone other than your spouse for emotional support, at any time, is emotional cheating. I disagree. It is NOT HEALTHY to put 100% of your emotional burden on one person alone. However, if you're sharing a deep emotional connection with another person and sharing private information, particularly private information about your spouse/marriage, and you're keeping this connection secret from your partner? At that point you're almost certainly crossing lines.

 

There are tons of magazine articles and stuff online for 'how do I tell if this is an emotional affair' which are really more designed to help you work out whether you're falling in love with your friend and just haven't noticed it yet.

 

The real problem is that while there comes a point at which it is obvious to everyone involved that you are having an emotional affair, people here are often more worried with trying to prevent the affair from happening in the first place, which means they're targeting the nebulous early stages. And it ISN'T actually that simple or clear to tell whether you might eventually get into trouble with someone. You can't tell by looking at a stranger whether you might one day fall for them, whether you're trying to or not. If you could, dating would be a lot simpler.

 

So a lot of people here will make suggestions to try and cut you off from all possibility of developing an attraction to anyone. Once burned twice shy, and all that.

[jjgitties]

This is where it skipped over the boundary into being an affair.

 

How can you say that. Its not an affair. Its never been an affair. How could it be an affair if no one slept with each other and no one even did things that couples do -- hold hands, kiss. e.t.c its been a close friendship for a very long time. The only physical connection has been a hug.

[jjgitties]

How much this is a problem depends to some extent on what you mean by not really telling your wife how close you are as friends. Are you actively concealing/minimising how much you hang out and stuff, or are you just not singing her praises to your wife all the time? Some would say that this hint of deception combined with you having to ask the question in the first place suggests that you're definitely cheating. Me, I think it's not that straightforward.

 

Secrets in a marriage are trouble. They're not necessarily 'cheating' and they don't have to be for them to still be a problem. If you lie to your wife about going out with the guys to drink beers and bet on horse races, or whatever, that's still a marital problem even if it's obviously not cheating. In the same way, if you're intentionally hiding a friendship, even if it is 100% a friendship and nothing is going on or ever will go on, it implies there's a failure of trust between you and your spouse.

 

Some people think that relying on anyone other than your spouse for emotional support, at any time, is emotional cheating. I disagree. It is NOT HEALTHY to put 100% of your emotional burden on one person alone. However, if you're sharing a deep emotional connection with another person and sharing private information, particularly private information about your spouse/marriage, and you're keeping this connection secret from your partner? At that point you're almost certainly crossing lines.

 

There are tons of magazine articles and stuff online for 'how do I tell if this is an emotional affair' which are really more designed to help you work out whether you're falling in love with your friend and just haven't noticed it yet.

 

The real problem is that while there comes a point at which it is obvious to everyone involved that you are having an emotional affair, people here are often more worried with trying to prevent the affair from happening in the first place, which means they're targeting the nebulous early stages. And it ISN'T actually that simple or clear to tell whether you might eventually get into trouble with someone. You can't tell by looking at a stranger whether you might one day fall for them, whether you're trying to or not. If you could, dating would be a lot simpler.

 

So a lot of people here will make suggestions to try and cut you off from all possibility of developing an attraction to anyone. Once burned twice shy, and all that.

 

Hmm.. Interesting. I think my stance is more, how would I feel if I was in my wifes shoes and she had a very close male friend. I might get antsy and jealous. Its more like why cause problems where they dont exist. I think I am luck in that I actually have a real life Nora Ephron thing going and its pretty cool. Being able to talk to a female close friend about things in life. It a very different perspective than talking about it with my close male friends. Their solution to every problem is "leave and upgrade to a younger model" or the ever popular "lets all just quit our jobs and start a business".

[aileD]

Emotional is so much worse to me.

[elaine567]

How can you say that. Its not an affair. Its never been an affair. How could it be an affair if no one slept with each other and no one even did things that couples do -- hold hands, kiss. e.t.c its been a close friendship for a very long time. The only physical connection has been a hug.

 

It is an emotional affair.

[somanymistakes]

Should it really be labeled as an affair if there's no preening or romance involved?

 

Of course I also think it's silly when people start calling video games their husband's mistress because he spends time with them, so obviously some people use the terms differently.

[carhill]

On the wayward side, it's how one feels that helps define it, regardless of action, or so our psychologist explained. He was pretty good at that stuff. Made a lot of sense. Hence, someone could perform seemingly innocent actions but their internal feelings and thoughts defined the unfaithful dynamic for them, regardless of whether or not their spouse or partner was aware. However, since none of us can read minds, all we can do is examine our own emotional states in relationships and erect boundaries for ourselves. What others do or think or feel is, well, their business with their actions regarding us as partners being the connecting point.

 

IME, most folks I've personally interacted with who are good at the being unfaithful stuff don't dwell on all these details and/or sweat boundaries. They're out enjoying life and will likely die with a smile on their face. If their path is littered with the lives of others they've damaged, well, they don't care, apparently, or so they've expressed. That's instructive. A laudable goal? IDK. Sure seems a lot of 'don't care' going around though, in general. Maybe it'll all work out in the end.

 

As a guy, it's probably not a good day to get a taste of another guy's juice inside one's partner or spouse so that might tilt me towards the physical part. I had a few 'hmm' moments along life's path which cause me to reflect on that. Anyway, difficult stuff. Life is like that.

[Friskyone4u]

There is no one correct answer to this question.

 

The OVERWHELMING percentage of the literature, starting with the book NOT JUST FRIENDS, states that's men enter affairs primarily for sex and very rarely with the intention of ever leaving their spouse or partner. Women usually are emotionally checked out and establish an emotional connection before the sex begins. That is why these books say when a women cheats, the chances of recionciliation are much lower because she is emotionally so attached.

 

You do not see too many threads where a cheating man refuses NC, breaks it constantly, and loses his marriage for a relationship where the SEX is totally over not able to start again. No longing to stay friends and even hang out together and talk. But we see that with women all the time.

 

And what someone else said was correct. Women often feel more betrayed if their husband tells another woman he "loves her" than if he was just banging her. For men the physical activit is the deal killer in most cases. JUst read this forum on all the women "pining" for their MM after D Day who lose their family because they cannot stop.

[dichotomy]

Its all over the map.

 

PA can be sex only, no emotion, it can be simple stuff - or wild stuff, it can be just a HJ/BJ(ala Clinton), it could be a hooker, etc. For some it can be love and bonding and tenderness. It can also be one sided with one of the partners in love - and the other just getting sex.

 

EA - can range from basic sharing of issues in your marriage to opposite sex - to intimate details of the spouse, to degrading insulting the spouse, to expressions of desire and longing for sex or to leave you current marriage. It can also be one sided - one of the cheaters is more into it then the other.

 

So many variables. Hard to say what hurts more for one person vs another.

 

My wife continued a relationship she had with a MM while single, but she changed it to an EA. It was still hurtful. If it was a PA I would have divorced her - but I know it was emotional and some longing was discussed (in general terms missing him). MM was just out for more sex with her and played her. But you know what I also would have divorced her over - if during the EA she discussed very personal and intimate things about me - like my battles with cancer, or child hood abuse. That would have killed me. Thankfully it appears she did not.

 

Also just FYI - my wife worried about me cheating later in our marriage (still does from time to time) - she is not really worried about me having "sex" with someone else - its the fact that for me (not her) sex and love and emotion do go together. So if I cheat she felt (rightly at the time) I would be at risk for becoming in love or attached to the other woman. If I was the opposite kind of man (sex is sex) I think she might not have cared too much if I cheated.

Edited June 4, 2017 by dichotomy

[Giggle]

For me physical is less forgivable because it's a decision to take off your clothes. Feelings happen.

 

My ex left for his AP. I think the emotional hurt more, but I couldn't be angry at him for feeling for someone else. Choosing to sleep with her was an intentional betrayal.

[RecentChange]

See and I feel differently​.

 

I feel that allowing yourself to get very close to, or fall in love with someone (emotional cheating) is as much of a choice as physical cheating.

 

It's like saying you can't control who you lust after.

 

Letting someone get close to you is a choice. Sharing personal details is a choice. Contact with that person and increasing the closeness of the relationship is a choice.

 

Just as taking your clothes off and having sex with someone else is a choice.

 

I am like Dicotomy's wife, and he I suspect is a bit like my husband (deeper emotional connection to any kind of sex).

 

When he cheated, I didn't care about the sex. But I didn't want to know what he told her that made her feel special. I didn't want to know he thought about her.

 

And I cheated, it was a very strictly sex only thing. In my mind that mattered, but as we see, for many men it's the physical not the emotional. I think, I hope my husband sees it differently, as he knows me, and seemed more concerned about questions like if I loved the OM, or if I wanted to "be" with him etc (Which was a resounding no!)

 

For ME, it's easy to find someone sexy. It's easy to want hedonistic desires.

 

But finding someone you really connect with? Professions of love? Those are things which are much more special than "sex" in my book, and why I find it a bigger betrayal.

[OneLov]

For ME, it's easy to find someone sexy. It's easy to want hedonistic desires.

 

But finding someone you really connect with? Professions of love? Those are things which are much more special than "sex" in my book, and why I find it a bigger betrayal.

 

^^^^100% this (emphasis added). Sex is cheap. There are many attractive people in this world that I would have sex with. Truly connecting with another human being on such an intimate level is like discovering astatine. Good luck with that...

[somanymistakes]

See and I feel differently​.

 

I feel that allowing yourself to get very close to, or fall in love with someone (emotional cheating) is as much of a choice as physical cheating.

 

It's like saying you can't control who you lust after.

 

Are you implying that you CAN choose who you lust after?

 

Because that makes no sense to me.

[Giggle]

^^^^100% this (emphasis added). Sex is cheap. There are many attractive people in this world that I would have sex with. Truly connecting with another human being on such an intimate level is like discovering astatine. Good luck with that...

 

Right. So how can you be mad at someone you love for managing to find this amazing connection? And want to keep that from them. Thats me