Author Lovetoohard Posted November 7, 2015 Author Share Posted November 7, 2015 (edited) He finally responded to my final txt wishing him well and apologizing for ever hurting him (as I outed our A to everyone in the office) and wrote that with time I hope that he will not hate and resent me as much. His response was : "If I hate you as you say, would I be there for you EVERY TIME!!! I don't hate you neither do I resent you. I am human and we all do things that are hurtful to another person. I believe in God and He is a forgiving God. I know I'm not perfect and He's always there for me to clean up my mess and forgive me of my sins. So who am I to hold on to what someone did to me?" I did not respond nor will I. Thoughts? Edited November 7, 2015 by Lovetoohard Link to post Share on other sites
Dylon Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 You have said your peace and he did too. It's a good time to start the NC again. Believe me, I gone through this with the OW, and we parted many times. To let this be the final exchange would be a good way to move forward for both ends. I hope you can be sucessful at it. I don't think he will initiate anything with you. I agree, he didn't take advantage of you. You said he only repsonded to your non emotional messages and that tells a lot. If my xOw contact me like you did, in pain and in tears, I would give in too. Indeed it happened often. Then the comfort is just old habits. Despite all the hard, firm suggestion of NC that seems to be the gospel here, which I agree, there are or were feelings and/or love involved and we just can't turn off everything just like that. It's hard as hell! Don't ever take it as a rejection or feeling that you have been abandoned. I really care deeply for my xOW so I won't contact her no matter how much she wants it. For a long time, she wondered why she's the one that always break NC. She thinks I don't care. Like your MM, I was there for her too each time she needs a friend. NC just means both sides recognize it's the end; it doesn't address our true feelings. Give it a try again and take care of yourself. Don't think too much about the what ifs. I still have conversations with her in my head but in time I know it will disappear. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 I know I know, this is a horrible thing to do to his wife but she doesn't seem to treat him right - she ditched him for the summer and went to hang out with her folks in another state, never cooks, doesn't support his career goals, etc. Do you really believe him? What he's told you about his wife?! You're only hearing one side and of course he's going to paint his wife in bad light in your eyes. If he was that unhappy, he'd divorce. He hasn't! He lied to you from day one, omitting the fact he was married. Continue to ignore him, let yourself heal and find another job. No good can come of you and him together, even more so since he has no intention of divorcing his wife and starting over with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Dylon Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 My xOw told me that it's hard for her to let go when she knows that I still care and think of her. So I act indifferent sometimes. Don't read anymore into his action or words. Try to let it go. Odd, after I wrote my previous message I checked to see if she's ok. If he reach out again, show him you are ok so that the cycle can stop and he will do the same. Yes it's a game but in time, it will be a reality and everything will be ok. Seeing him at the office prevented the cycle from stopping but now the chance is greater. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 Do you think the real reason you were laid off is because of the affair? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovetoohard Posted November 8, 2015 Author Share Posted November 8, 2015 My xOw told me that it's hard for her to let go when she knows that I still care and think of her. So I act indifferent sometimes. Don't read anymore into his action or words. Try to let it go. Odd, after I wrote my previous message I checked to see if she's ok. If he reach out again, show him you are ok so that the cycle can stop and he will do the same. Yes it's a game but in time, it will be a reality and everything will be ok. Seeing him at the office prevented the cycle from stopping but now the chance is greater. Thank you for your kind words. Yes, it is indeed hard to let go when I know he still cares. What compelled you to reach out to your xOW to check if she's ok? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 Had a major relapse and broke NC after being successful at it and well on my way to detaching. I got laid off two days ago, which was a total shock to me. MM is out of town all week and what do I do?? Call him crying and upset. He calmed me down and was supportive. It gets worse - he checked up on me later that night and called me. We ended up talking for an hour and a half on FaceTime and he asked me if I think of him and we had phone/FaceTime sex. He was trying to comfort me and it just kind of happened. Yesterday I called him a couple times as well and he picked up even though he's out of town and was supportive. Last night I got drunk and sent him a numbers of pathetic "I miss you type texts" but he only selectively responded to the non-emotional ones. This morning I had to go back in the office to take care of HR paperwork and called him and it was a short conversation and he told me to handle the HR stuff unemotionally and not sound bitter. I told him that he's right and that bitterness is not in my nature and said all I want to do is move on with my life. I said I will keep him posted on the HR mtg after. I sent him a couple of update txts and another txt asking him to keep me in the loop if he hears of any job openings and an update on an upcoming interview and thanked him for his support. The txts were sent 6 hrs ago and I have not heard anything back. This hurts like it did when I first broke up with him. It sucks. Don't beat yourself up about this. Almost everyone slips and goes backwards once or twice after attempting NC. It took me a year and several attempts for it finally stick. It is probably a bit harder for you too because you work together. Just know that in time the pain will lessen and you will begin to accept the finality of it and then be able to move on. You'll get there, it'll happen. Just stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweet108 Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 Sorry but you called him trustworthy in your first post? Find a new job, it will help you put this behind you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 Don't call or text him anymore. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovetoohard Posted November 8, 2015 Author Share Posted November 8, 2015 Sorry but you called him trustworthy in your first post? Find a new job, it will help you put this behind you. Trustworthy as a work friend. I worked in a highly competitive, back stabbing and dysfunctional environment and he the one person who you could count on for support and encouragement. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovetoohard Posted November 8, 2015 Author Share Posted November 8, 2015 Don't call or text him anymore. I'm not planning on having another meltdown so will not call or txt him. NC re-set starts today 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 Good luck with finding a new job. *hugs* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweet108 Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 he's cheating on his wife, that's like saying he's a good guy he just robs banks only a few times a year. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Dylon Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 What compelled you to reach out to your xOW to check if she's ok? I meant I checked on her secretly because I haven't removed her from my contacts. I can see if she's home or not. It's bad. I know. However, other times when she's like you that day, I ask if she's ok. I care and it's hard not to. I won't break NC. It's best for her and for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovetoohard Posted November 8, 2015 Author Share Posted November 8, 2015 Ok, I have been wallowing in my sorrow for 3 1/2 days by not eating, having obssessive thoughts about exMM, sleeping constantly to numb the pain, and feeling bummed about being laid off. Today, I got up, worked out, put on a cute outfit, did my hair and makeup and am enjoying a beautiful fall day by waiting to go to brunch with family and friends. I will clean the house later, make a healthy dinner and get up early tomorrow and throw myself into full blown job search and workout mode. I'll also pick up a volunteering gig at my favorite charity to do something fulfilling. Enough is enough. How can I let a person have such a hold on me to the point of being weak and helpless?!?? This is not me. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovetoohard Posted November 8, 2015 Author Share Posted November 8, 2015 I meant I checked on her secretly because I haven't removed her from my contacts. I can see if she's home or not. It's bad. I know. However, other times when she's like you that day, I ask if she's ok. I care and it's hard not to. I won't break NC. It's best for her and for everyone. Dylon, I think my exMM won't break NC either, and that's good for me. To be fair, I am the one that broke up with him, outed the A, tried to maintain a pseudo friendship and then ignored him at work completely (to the point I would look right through him). And I also did tell him a couple days ago that all I wanted to do was move on and he said "okay."...I actually meant in terms of my job and finding a better one and putting all the work drama aside and not actually him, but I guess subconsciously I meant leaving him behind too and having a clean break. I am not going to block him but will not initiate anything. The momentary flood of happiness does not outweigh the pain of our relationship and the messy aftermath. Link to post Share on other sites
Dylon Posted November 9, 2015 Share Posted November 9, 2015 The momentary flood of happiness does not outweigh the pain of our relationship and the messy aftermath. Yes, the mess can't be undone so moving forward with the right frame of mind is good. Hope you have more better days! There will be horrible times but it will get better. Now that you are out of a job, it's a depressing time with too much free moments so keep doing all the positive things for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovetoohard Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 Generally feeling calm and at peace today. I had a productive day with revamping my resume, reaching out to professional contacts, shredding a bunch of old paperwork that's been cluttering my home office, etc. I also went out for a really long walk around my neighborhood which was energizing. I have not had any urge to reach out to exMM nor have I looked at my phone with the hope that he may have reached out to me. Our relationship was so full of turmoil and volatile all the time, the sense of peace feels good. No more walking on egg shells, constantly catering to his selfish needs, apologizing for things I should not be apologizing for, no dodging him in the office, analyzing his secret glances, smelling his cologne after he'd just walked by, feeling a twinge of jealousy at his newfound female friends...etc. I hope this feeling lasts...:) Link to post Share on other sites
Dylon Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 It won't last but it's ok. There will be bad days. Just expect it and ride through it. Then there will be good days, better days, and great days to come. Glad to hear today is a good day! Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Had a major relapse and broke NC after being successful at it and well on my way to detaching. I got laid off two days ago, which was a total shock to me. MM is out of town all week and what do I do?? Call him crying and upset. He calmed me down and was supportive. It gets worse - he checked up on me later that night and called me. We ended up talking for an hour and a half on FaceTime and he asked me if I think of him and we had phone/FaceTime sex. He was trying to comfort me and it just kind of happened. Yesterday I called him a couple times as well and he picked up even though he's out of town and was supportive. Last night I got drunk and sent him a numbers of pathetic "I miss you type texts" but he only selectively responded to the non-emotional ones. This morning I had to go back in the office to take care of HR paperwork and called him and it was a short conversation and he told me to handle the HR stuff unemotionally and not sound bitter. I told him that he's right and that bitterness is not in my nature and said all I want to do is move on with my life. I said I will keep him posted on the HR mtg after. I sent him a couple of update txts and another txt asking him to keep me in the loop if he hears of any job openings and an update on an upcoming interview and thanked him for his support. The txts were sent 6 hrs ago and I have not heard anything back. This hurts like it did when I first broke up with him. It sucks. Oh my god. Just please stop. You've already fed his ego more than enough. Just stop. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lostweekend Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 He finally responded to my final txt wishing him well and apologizing for ever hurting him (as I outed our A to everyone in the office) and wrote that with time I hope that he will not hate and resent me as much. His response was : "If I hate you as you say, would I be there for you EVERY TIME!!! I don't hate you neither do I resent you. I am human and we all do things that are hurtful to another person. I believe in God and He is a forgiving God. I know I'm not perfect and He's always there for me to clean up my mess and forgive me of my sins. So who am I to hold on to what someone did to me?" I did not respond nor will I. Thoughts? My thoughts? He´s a hypocrite!! "I believe in God and HE is a forgiving God"!! Is that what he tells himself after having an affair and face time sex with a colleague? He bad mouthes his wife to colleagues at work?! He tells himself that God cleans up his mess and forgives him for his sins!! Never heard such a lot of BS in my life. Ok, so he´s the married party here and he is the one responsible towards his family. Not going off at you!! My advice would be to move on as fast as you can and as far away from his as possible. I think it speaks volumes when people like him start to talk about God and forgiveness. He must have hit every branch on his way down the tree of immorality! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovetoohard Posted November 11, 2015 Author Share Posted November 11, 2015 Oh my god. Just please stop. You've already fed his ego more than enough. Just stop. Lois, I love your tough love approach. He is a manipulative, selfish jerk and I had a moment of weakness but my conscience is clear and I am marching on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovetoohard Posted November 11, 2015 Author Share Posted November 11, 2015 My thoughts? He´s a hypocrite!! "I believe in God and HE is a forgiving God"!! Is that what he tells himself after having an affair and face time sex with a colleague? He bad mouthes his wife to colleagues at work?! He tells himself that God cleans up his mess and forgives him for his sins!! Never heard such a lot of BS in my life. Ok, so he´s the married party here and he is the one responsible towards his family. Not going off at you!! My advice would be to move on as fast as you can and as far away from his as possible. I think it speaks volumes when people like him start to talk about God and forgiveness. He must have hit every branch on his way down the tree of immorality! I agree. The goodbye and good luck txt was more for me than him. karma is sneaky like that and will find him in due course. Link to post Share on other sites
Lostweekend Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 I agree. The goodbye and good luck txt was more for me than him. karma is sneaky like that and will find him in due course. That´s the spirit! The good thing about life is that we experience situations and people that we can choose to put behind us. You have your whole future ahead of you and you aren´t trapped in an unhappy marriage with children involved. The one thing that really sets me off is when people like your ex colleague bitch and moan about their unhappiness to others. They even use it as an excuse to cheat. Won´t put money on it but it would not surprise me if he is a soft and weak little lamb at home. His wife is probably living in total ignorance about the situation and this other side to him. He´s weak and disrespectful. If his wife REALLY knew the full story, at least she would have a choice. She could tell him to get lost and move on with her life or choose to stay, despite his indiscretions. Best of luck!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovetoohard Posted November 11, 2015 Author Share Posted November 11, 2015 That´s the spirit! The good thing about life is that we experience situations and people that we can choose to put behind us. You have your whole future ahead of you and you aren´t trapped in an unhappy marriage with children involved. The one thing that really sets me off is when people like your ex colleague bitch and moan about their unhappiness to others. They even use it as an excuse to cheat. Won´t put money on it but it would not surprise me if he is a soft and weak little lamb at home. His wife is probably living in total ignorance about the situation and this other side to him. He´s weak and disrespectful. If his wife REALLY knew the full story, at least she would have a choice. She could tell him to get lost and move on with her life or choose to stay, despite his indiscretions. Best of luck!!! Ex MM could be a very controlling, egotistical and self centered guy and based on my witnessing his responses to his wife whenever she called, he would turn into a wimp. I had even heard them argue a few times when he was trying to stand his ground on various things. I made him feel like a man, adored him, made him feel sexy and was his biggest cheerleader when it came to his career. That said, if I had been married to him, I dont know that I would've liked the "real" him. I have had a couple of thoughts about telling the wife during moments where I have been really angry, but I will not be a catalyst to his life blowing up - he will do it all on his own someday. Link to post Share on other sites
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