Will he come back?

[Lovetoohard]

I've been holding up well so far but I am feeling a little blue right now. NC reset a week ago and I've had a couple of job interviews this week but am now playing the waiting game which sucks. My mind keeps wandering to what exMM must be doing or working on in the office. Also, a couple of my friends are on romantic weekend trips at some cool destinations and while I'm happy to get pics, texts, etc., it's making me feel worse.

 

I have no desire to contact my exMM but my mind keeps wandering to happy times with him...

[Dylon]

It's still good that you have no desire to contact him. It's hard because it was your job place and he was part of that too. Double whammy. Being in a position of resetting, looking for a job, being alone, are all adding up to a tough time. You have tried really hard to resent him, hate him, and think of him poorly. I know it seems to be the recommended thing around here which I don't agree with. We need to learn to let go. People often said here: the whole thing was a lie, a deception, and you were tricked, fooled, taken advantage of, stupid, ect. How is that going to make us feel better about ourselves? People tend to neglect that there were moments when it was happy regardless. We had dreams that were great. Even though it wasn't real, it brought good feelings. That is what you missed with him. Don't fight it off. It's a failure to go against yourself. Time will take care of the legitimacy of those feelings. It's in the past now and take it as part of your history, all the good and bad. Take it as something you went through and allow it make you a better person. It's the low point now and it will get better.

[Lovetoohard]

It's still good that you have no desire to contact him. It's hard because it was your job place and he was part of that too. Double whammy. Being in a position of resetting, looking for a job, being alone, are all adding up to a tough time. You have tried really hard to resent him, hate him, and think of him poorly. I know it seems to be the recommended thing around here which I don't agree with. We need to learn to let go. People often said here: the whole thing was a lie, a deception, and you were tricked, fooled, taken advantage of, stupid, ect. How is that going to make us feel better about ourselves? People tend to neglect that there were moments when it was happy regardless. We had dreams that were great. Even though it wasn't real, it brought good feelings. That is what you missed with him. Don't fight it off. It's a failure to go against yourself. Time will take care of the legitimacy of those feelings. It's in the past now and take it as part of your history, all the good and bad. Take it as something you went through and allow it make you a better person. It's the low point now and it will get better.

 

I agree, my self confidence is shattered due to my job loss and well, whenever I felt down and out, my escape to a happy place with him made things better, even if momentarily. I now just have a void that I can't seem to fill with anything meaningful. It's like I'm just going through the motions.

 

I guess tomorrow's a new day...

[Lovetoohard]

Today's been rough. I'm in waiting mode for interview callbacks and it is making me anxious. I tried to distract myself and do other things but all I really want to do is crawl into bed. I also have zero interest in other men and it makes me feel worse to have a forced conversation just to be polite to the guys that have asked me out. I spent part of the day today with my head in the clouds, fantasizing that my exMM called me and told me that he couldn't be without me and wants to see me. Messed up, I know. I hate this feeling of desperation and despair. I really want to be happy again.

Edited November 16, 2015 by Lovetoohard

[Lovetoohard]

Update: saw a missed FaceTime call from exMM last night. Weird. Wonder if it was by accident or whether he meant it. I haven't reached out to ask and won't but i'm annoyed thati'm thinking about it.

[Dylon]

I'm sorry to hear it's still hard.

 

It's that internal conflict of wanting him to reach out and absolutely knowing it's wrong and you don't want it. It happens on both sides. I'm on the other end and the NC thing goes on many times for me. During, sometimes we accidently call or make contact and other times it was real. I know this because we always talked about what happened when we spoke again. One time she even send me something through email but claimed it was an accident but I know it was an excuse to break contact. She was always the one to break contact and I fault her not, because it's hard for me too. Only my care for her knowing it prolongs the hurt, and my family, that I can last longer than she can. Almost two months and she hasn't break NC. I'm proud of her. Huge part of me is broken that it's over but I know in the long run, logic and reason will prevail over emotion and the hurt will stop. I feel like you but there's a relief too. Both sides have internal conflicts that drive the mind crazy and both sides don't want it but find the urge to end the absence of the other. It will be like this for sometimes and finally, the urge dies down. I hope it will be the case for you soon.

 

It doesn't matter if it was an accident or not. Both sides have issue to deal with and it's for the best for both ends to fight it and stop. You do your part and move on. Good luck with job hunting. Smile!

[ladydesigner]

Update: saw a missed FaceTime call from exMM last night. Weird. Wonder if it was by accident or whether he meant it. I haven't reached out to ask and won't but i'm annoyed thati'm thinking about it.

 

Can you block him? While I know it temporarily makes you feel better for the contact it gets you caught up in that mindset again. True NC will help these thoughts disappear!

[Lovetoohard]

I'm sorry to hear it's still hard.

 

It's that internal conflict of wanting him to reach out and absolutely knowing it's wrong and you don't want it. It happens on both sides. I'm on the other end and the NC thing goes on many times for me. During, sometimes we accidently call or make contact and other times it was real. I know this because we always talked about what happened when we spoke again. One time she even send me something through email but claimed it was an accident but I know it was an excuse to break contact. She was always the one to break contact and I fault her not, because it's hard for me too. Only my care for her knowing it prolongs the hurt, and my family, that I can last longer than she can. Almost two months and she hasn't break NC. I'm proud of her. Huge part of me is broken that it's over but I know in the long run, logic and reason will prevail over emotion and the hurt will stop. I feel like you but there's a relief too. Both sides have internal conflicts that drive the mind crazy and both sides don't want it but find the urge to end the absence of the other. It will be like this for sometimes and finally, the urge dies down. I hope it will be the case for you soon.

 

It doesn't matter if it was an accident or not. Both sides have issue to deal with and it's for the best for both ends to fight it and stop. You do your part and move on. Good luck with job hunting. Smile!

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts Dylon. I am surprised that my ex reached out (or attempted to). I'm still at the point where I will cave if we talk and thankfully I was out last night when I saw the missed call. I have been trying not to think about it and have been out and about enjoying my day today, but it's hard to make that conscious effort to not think of whether he accidentally dialed my phone when he didn't intend to and if not, what did he want. Argh!

[Lovetoohard]

Can you block him? While I know it temporarily makes you feel better for the contact it gets you caught up in that mindset again. True NC will help these thoughts disappear!

 

I have deleted his number but don't have the heart to block him (especially since it may be a job/career related thing that comes up). I have mustered the willpower to not reach out and ask whether he intended to get a hold of me or whether he accidentally dialed me. After I broke up with him, he's only ever initiated contact twice and those were closure type calls. But since then, he's never initiated contact, so I never felt the need to block him and I am really surprised that I saw the missed call. For all I know, it could be a butt dial.

[Ms. Faust]

He can't use your work email for job or career related things?

[Ohmyohmy]

Lovetoohard, I'm so new and raw to this, but I just wanted to send encouragement to stay strong. I'm assuming it's harder and harder every time they break NC? Have you thought about/gotten the strength to just block him? Or is that harder? Sending you happy thoughts and strength to get through!

[Lovetoohard]

He can't use your work email for job or career related things?

 

I am currently unemployed. Got laid off

[Lovetoohard]

Lovetoohard, I'm so new and raw to this, but I just wanted to send encouragement to stay strong. I'm assuming it's harder and harder every time they break NC? Have you thought about/gotten the strength to just block him? Or is that harder? Sending you happy thoughts and strength to get through!

 

Thank you for your kind words! I don't want to block him completely for job/career related reasons.

[privategal]

I read your threads in the past. You only have to remind yourself how he made you feel and that HE should be wishing for YOU back.

He needs to just get on with his life. He's not a keeper. Give ALL your energy to your job search, you have no time for him.

[Lovetoohard]

I think my ex MM must have a radar signaling him anytime I am getting to a happy and healthy place. I went to a fabulous black tie event yesterday and felt and looked my best. I spent most if the evening being the usual social butterfly that I am and never once did I get nostalgic and think that it wouldve been a fun event to go to with ex. In fact, I even met a pretty interesting guy that I talked to most of the night. I didn't look at my phone at all (I used to obsessively check my phone when we were dating) and towards the end of the night I pull my phone out of my purse to check the time and BOOM...3 missed calls from him! He didn't leave a vm or txt. Two calls were earlier in the evening and one was really late at night, which leads me to believe that that last call was a drunk dial. I have not responded in any way. I am not the type to ignore people but I am afraid to open that pandoras box.

Edited November 28, 2015 by Lovetoohard

[lemondrop21]

I love that you missed his calls because you were out looking fabulous and meeting new people. You should feel awesome about yourself right now. If you call him back you will lose a lot of that powerful feeling and will instead feel weak. My advice is not to do it. I'm sure these won't be his last attempts to contact you anyway.

[OWAmy]

I cannot recommend enough that you ignore these calls!! You had a fabulous time and your starting to get yourself back on track. Don't undue it all by replying to him. Lemondrop is so right - you get the power back by not replying and remember that even if you feel good for speaking to him that will quickly disappear.

 

I am the sort of person who always responds to messages out of curtesy but I'm going to stop doing that now where he is concerned.

[Lovetoohard]

Thanks for your responses. I actually did attempt to call him back because I was concerned that something bad may have happened only to find that he's now blocked my number. This isn't a power thing for me... I really don't care about not having the upper hand - I did it because it makes me feel better to be kind, gentle and respectful towards people than to play games and hold onto anger and hurt. I try to treat everyone this way. It actually wasn't as painful as I thought it would be and only indicated to me that he still has strong feelings for me in order to react like that. I did send him an email asking him if he was ok and don't expect a response. We have never cut each other out like that before, but I guess he is hurt that I'm moving on and not being as responsive to him as I normally would. I am definitely getting stronger because had this been two months ago, I would've struggled to get out of bed and go about my day and now, I find it easier to compartmentalize my thoughts about him and prioritize ME .

Edited November 30, 2015 by Lovetoohard

[Lovetoohard]

Radio silence after the email sent to MM and guess what? I'm not sitting around wishing he'd call back and obsessively thinking about him. Our mutual friend reached out to me to "check in" to see what I was up to and I suspect exMM is behind it. I laughed pretty hard thinking about how ridiculous all this is earlier today. If he calls, I am tempted to tell him to lighten up and focus on enjoying his life. He used to be a fun guy until I experienced the romantic partner side of him, which was fun at times, but got really emotionally heavy and tedious after a while for all the reasons the OW on LS know all too well. That deep longing for him has faded.

 

I have a date or plans with friends every single day this week and I'm having fun. In fact, went on a date last night with a fantastic and handsome single guy and then met up with his friends after and the entire experience was so unlike my dates with exMM. Unlike exMM dates, the conversation was easy and transparent, with no heart pang inducing references to a wife or kids or other husband obligations, no interruptions with W calls MM would take, no time limit on the time spent together, meeting my dates buddies and them sharing funny stories, my date telling his mom he's out with me, etc. It was so refreshing!

 

I feel a little silly writing all this out, but I look at my initial posts and I sounded so pathetic, sad, and broken and didn't even recognize who I'd become and articulating my current thoughts helps me see how far I've come. There is light at the end of that dark tunnel and it is a very bright light.

Edited December 2, 2015 by Lovetoohard

[Lovetoohard]

It's been a while since I've had any kind of an update. After 2 months of NC, XMM called me a couple of nights ago. I have been powering through and while I had a couple of days over the holidays where I missed him like crazy, he's pretty much been a distant memory. I was surprised that he reached out. I asked why after all this time, and he said he wanted to see how I was doing and was concerned about me because I had not responded to our mutual friend's text asking how I am doing and that was unlike me. I have cut out this mutual friend of ours as I don't really trust her for reasons unrelated to XMM. Not really sure why he would assume something had happened to me. We talked for a bit and he asked how I was doing and what I'd been up to and how my job search was going. He switched to FaceTime because he wanted to "see" me. I was in sweats, no makep and hair pulled up but for the first time, I didn't care what I looked like around him. He looked different...I just didn't get the normal jolt of electricity I get when I see him. He almost looked kind of pathetic and I thought about where his W and kids were at that moment - I guess he must've snuck out somehow, which made him all the more pathetic. I actually felt sorry for him. I, on the other hand, felt like he was just an old acquaintance, a former colleague and a peer who I was just exchanging pleasantries with.

 

My love for XMM was real and I believe he cared for me deeply too, but he's just another ex, a chapter closed, and a distant memory. Thanks to everyone's advice and stories on LS, I am healed to the point of indifference. Being "sober" is awesome.

[Shadowburn]

Why exactly you didn't block him, especially after you tried to call him and found out he blocked you?

I don't think you are at the point of indifference or you wouldn't even take his call because you wouldnt care for anything he had to say.

[bathtub-row]

Good. But those old feelings may all come flooding back to you in a day or so. Just be prepared for that.

 

And, btw, I'd suggest that you not ever be fooled about why he was calling you. Men play this game ALL THE TIME. Just calling to check on you..., just calling because we hadn't chatted in awhile..., or whatever other BS story they can come up with.

 

Bottom line: that call was about stirring things up in your head, about resurrecting old feelings and, ultimately, about getting you back in the sack. Talk to him all you want, but don't ever forget his end goal. That was NOT a casual conversation.

[privategal]

Good. But those old feelings may all come flooding back to you in a day or so. Just be prepared for that.

 

And, btw, I'd suggest that you not ever be fooled about why he was calling you. Men play this game ALL THE TIME. Just calling to check on you..., just calling because we hadn't chatted in awhile..., or whatever other BS story they can come up with.

 

Bottom line: that call was about stirring things up in your head, about resurrecting old feelings and, ultimately, about getting you back in the sack. Talk to him all you want, but don't ever forget his end goal. That was NOT a casual conversation.

 

Yep. Classic sleazebag move...one day your blocked and the next they want to "see" you and are concerned. I remember my xeap called me on the bday...only had 5 minutes...he ran out for a quick errand. Ugh. Block.

[Lovetoohard]

Thank you all for your responses. I guess I view the act of blocking someone a bit differently - you block someone because you are still weak and hearing from them will mess you up. He blocked me because he reacted out of hurt and anger - we were good friends first and foremost and had always been there for each other and he was upset that I had thrown that away too. Yes, it was immature on his part, but he admitted to overreacting. I also choose not to block him as we both work in an extremely niche area and are bound to cross paths and it would be a really bad move to burn bridges with someone that may have an impact on your career someday. The world is too small in our line of work.

 

I am more in control of myself and have reestablished my boundaries. I can't ever forget the pain and turmoil i experienced and I am not a masochist to re-experience all of that again. Besides, why would anyone want to be with a man that cheats on his wife? My A started at a time I was very unhappy and unfulfilled with my life and I leaned on my XMM. The reasons for my unhappiness do no exist anymore, and I have developed better coping mechanisms for dealing with challenges instead of turning to unhealthy relationships.

Edited January 13, 2016 by Lovetoohard

[Gloria_Smellons]

Hey Love,

 

I'm glad you're feeling and sounding like you're in a much better place, but can I please urge caution anyway?

 

I do sometimes think that in our effort to be the bigger man so to speak, we can fall into the trap that certain actions (i.e. blocking) are perceived as 'bad', and come across as 'mean, selfish and immature'. I'm not sure why the word selfish always has negative connotations associated with it - we can't rely on others to put our needs first. Preserving ones physical and mental health surely has to be up there as a smart choice.

 

You WERE good friends, but I'm not sure once you cross that line you can ever go back, and certainly not without many months (years?) of space. It's very difficult to redefine relationships once the dies been cast.

 

This also stood out to me...

really bad move to burn bridges with someone that may have an impact on your career someday.

 

Just because you choose NOT to have a relationship with someone outside of your career, why does that have to be seen as burning bridges? I am certain you are capable of being cordial and polite in work situations, networking, functions etc. but that doesn't mean you need any kind of relationship outside of that.

 

I am more in control of myself and have reestablished my boundaries.

That still in my opinion displays a bit of self doubt on your part (understandably so, and please don't think I'm bashing you here, it genuinely sounds from your posts that you're doing really well!) Boundaries were crossed before, and history has this nasty way of repeating itself if we fall into the same patterns. How many affairs have started with perfectly innocent friendships, which trickles into oversharing, emotional intimacy, and in some cases physical intimacy. For most OW/OM, it isn't the case that you just end up jumping into bed with a married person, it's usually far more of a slow build. It seems rare (reading here at least) that people who retain any contact with their AP's can really go back to having an 'appropriate' relationship with them.

 

The reasons for my unhappiness do no exist anymore, and I have developed better coping mechanisms for dealing with challenges instead of turning to unhealthy relationships.

 

Sadly there's always scope for unhappiness to exist, I'm glad you are arming yourself with better coping mechanisms. Old habits can be hard to break though, and it just seems to me that you're making this harder for yourself than you need to. People advocate complete NC for a reason. It almost seems like you're testing yourself.. 'look, I can talk to him and just be normal.'

 

It's okay to admit that getting over this 5hit is hard, and it's more than okay to consider what YOU need rather than what you perceive him as needing.

 

Again, all being said and done you need to do what is best for you, and please don't think I'm being a Debbie Downer here. It sounds like you are doing well and without trying to sound like a condescending douchecanoe I am proud of you. I know that for me personally, complete NC made things easier. I also know that ANY contact - however innocent it may have seemed - would have likely resulted in me going down an all too familiar path. It's a strong possibility for me, so it could be a possibility for you, so better to err on the side of caution I would say. Hope for the best plan for the worst and all that.

 

GS