Author StepMom001 Posted October 27, 2015 Author Share Posted October 27, 2015 Wait, so his mom died when he was in high school and by the time he graduated high school you two were married? No wonder he's pissed. Yes to put it bluntly I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
nais Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 My step son is 25 and Lives in Florida with his fiancee because he went to the University of Florida with his now Fiancee well she is 7 months pregnant and my stepson hasn't been home since he moved away for college and stayed because he got a job offer right out of College and his fiancee is a RN. Well his stepson hasn't come home because he is angry at his dad and me for getting married about a year and a half after his mother was killed by a drunk driver. Well his dad made this kind gesture and his son hasn't given him a straight answer and i know his dad wants to see him as well as his fiancee who is about to deliver there son. Well we just found out he was in a wreck from his fiancee on his Crotch rocket and is fine aside from a broken leg that is broken in two places. And now his son is using this along with his fiancee being so pregnant as an excuse to not come home for another thanksgiving. Basically i need some advice on how to reach out to him and maybe try and apologize or something. Anything to try and get him on that plane in a month and get him home so the family can see him and his fiancee as well as my husband seeing his son. Any advice would be of great help. Continue to invite, offer and let it go. How can you make a grown man come home? He has to want to do this, if he does not you have extended the offer. Instead of a Holiday some other time frame. He has a new family, they may be establishing their own traditions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StepMom001 Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 Husband is going this weekend. I truly hope this works and it doesn't backfire and make things worse. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 How could it possibly be worse? His son currently wants nothing to do with him. The only thing worse I can think of is YOU going and trying to talk to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StepMom001 Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 How could it possibly be worse? His son currently wants nothing to do with him. The only thing worse I can think of is YOU going and trying to talk to him. I don't know how me going could possibly make anything worse. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 I don't know how me going could possibly make anything worse. Too much of a reminder that his dad married YOU while he was still feeling the pain of the loss of his mother.... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
ufo8mycat Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 That seems rather harsh,No? I am by no means going. This is something they must do alone but. To say that is just on the mean side I suppose is the best word. perhaps a bit harsh, but you seem concerned about people being blunt and harsh. Which comes across as a lack of empathy for your stepson. Nothing in your posts indicate you understand the gut wrenching pain your stepson experienced at the death of his mother. Then to watch his father move on in such an expedited fashion while he is still processing his grief. Maybe it is the lack of empathy that your stepson is pushing back against. I am not saying you are at fault here, his father needs to mend the relationship but everything about the discussion feels like you lack compassion. Even the sense of being put out that he won't travel with a broken leg and a heavily pregnant partner. I would be devastated if this was my father who moved on so quickly after my mothers death. And I am in my 30's! I can't even fathom how a teenager gets his head around it. A bit more kindness wouldn't hurt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 That seems rather harsh,No? I am by no means going. This is something they must do alone but. To say that is just on the mean side I suppose is the best word.What I don't understand is why YOU can't understand why and how your H's son is hurting, and what role YOU play in that. He probably thinks you were either cheating with his dad while his mom was alive or else were waiting in the wings for him. That's how a teenager would see you showing up almost immediately. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. I'm trying to help you see what the REAL situation is so that you can approach the situation with the best knowledge and understanding and compassion. I'm being blunt because you don't seem to even be trying to see it; you just keep blaming the son. And we don't know what kinds of interactions you've had with his son, either. There's probably a lot there that he experienced on his side that you aren't aware of. And if you DO end up having some sort of relationship with his son, if you can't approach it with an understanding of how he feels about you - and yes, this is more about you than his dad, most likely - and you keep this attitude that the son is 'doing something' to his dad and the son senses that, you're going to help ruin his dad's future dealings with his own son. And if you can't see the bad in that for its own sake, try to realize that your H is going to end up resenting you for that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StepMom001 Posted October 29, 2015 Author Share Posted October 29, 2015 If I had no empathy I wouldn't be on here trying to find a way to resolve this. And bring the family together. Or trying to reach out and apologize which i was told was the wrong move. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 (edited) I don't think people are trying to be mean. Put yourself in his son's position. His world is shattered by the sudden death of his mom and then a year later, he's still reeling yet finds himself with a stepmom. I'm assuming that you and your husband dated for awhile before marrying so, from most people's perspective, your husband really didn't grieve much at all over the loss of his wife before he started hunting for a new partner. Whether that's true or not, that's the way it appears. And that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing if he and his wife had a bad relationship, but he's not the Lone Ranger here. He has a kid to think about. Probably from his son's perspective, his father's actions seem callous and uncaring. If his father was less than loving toward his former wife while they were together, then the son has even more reason to be resentful. I don't think the son blames you. I think it all falls on his dad. They need to fix this and, while your husband doesn't really need to apologize, per se, he does need to acknowledge to his son that his actions were insensitive and that he realizes now how hurtful they were. For your part, I would say try to understand that getting involved with a man under these circumstances has consequences. If it were me, I would also wonder why he got over what apparently was a long-term marriage so quickly. Perhaps he has already explained that to you. I hope so, anyway. Edited October 29, 2015 by bathtub-row 3 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 He left for college, and his "home" disappeared. No wonder he never came back. Did you get to know him while you were courting? Build a relationship with him? Was he informed about plans to sell the family home? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 I can see that you want to help fix this situation and good on you for being a conduit. However, the lack of empathy which posters are referring to is your apparent lack of understanding of the depth of pain and hurt your stepson suffered when his father remarried so quickly. DO you understand why he's so hurt and angry? Serious question. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 He left for college, and his "home" disappeared. No wonder he never came back. Did you get to know him while you were courting? Build a relationship with him? Was he informed about plans to sell the family home? Oh, yes, I forgot about the house being sold. This situation would've completely broken my heart if were in this situation. If I had married this guy, I would have urged him not to be so quick to pull the trigger, for the sake of the kid. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StepMom001 Posted October 31, 2015 Author Share Posted October 31, 2015 He didn't want a relationship with me. Still doesn't. I tried to be there for him but he pushed me away and so I gave him his space. His Dad told him about the family Home and that didn't go down well. As he basically disappeared for the better part of a weekend and came home incredibly drunk. But i put my husband on a flight Today and I haven't heard from him so i hope things are indeed going well. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 He didn't want a relationship with me. Still doesn't. I tried to be there for him but he pushed me away and so I gave him his space. His Dad told him about the family Home and that didn't go down well. As he basically disappeared for the better part of a weekend and came home incredibly drunk. But i put my husband on a flight Today and I haven't heard from him so i hope things are indeed going well. OP I don't think you are a bad person and I admire you for wanting to see this get fixed but you are not showing empathy. You were asked if you understand why the boy is hurt and angry and you come back with a response about how he pushed you away when you tried to be there for him. That wasn't even the question. Also it wasn't your place to be there for him and in trying to do so you showed a lack of understanding and respect. Do you seriously think that after just being devastated by the loss of his mom, he would want comfort from his fathers new squeeze? How old are you and do you have any children of your own? I think you do not because if you were able to picture one of your own children in this situation you would totally understand. The dad wasn't wrong in moving on with you. Somebody said maybe he got over his wife's death so fast because the marriage wasn't good but sometimes I think it's the opposite. When someone has a good marriage and they like being married then they are more likely to want to be married again. However I think dad should have taken his sons feelings into acct. Why the big rush to remarry and sell the home? First this kids mom died and then in the midst of his heartbreak his dad abandoned him too. Did you move in before you married him? Do you have any concerns about the fact that you snagged this guy when his wife's dead body was practically still warm? I don't mean that question to be as harsh as it sounds but do you worry at all that your husband was grieving and basically looking any life raft he could find when he made the decisions he made concerning you and the house? I would be pretty leery of a guy trying to romance me right after his spouse died. I might date him but I wouldn't want to make any big decisions with him until he had at least a couple of years to grieve. I hope this visit between son and dad goes well too but if dad starts lecturing him about his behaviour and starts saying things like he just needs to get over it then this visit will not go well at all. Dad can't go back and undo what's been done but he needs to hear his sons pain and validate it without telling the boy his feelings are wrong. He needs to sincerely apologize to the kid for not being there for him when he needed him the most. Can your husband do that? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 He needs to sincerely apologize to the kid for not being there for him when he needed him the most. Can your husband do that? Yes, he needs to apologize for this. His son was grieving, and his father was replacing. It had to be extremely difficult at his age. Selling the house as a huge blow, I'd imagine, and his father's choice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StepMom001 Posted October 31, 2015 Author Share Posted October 31, 2015 I have empathy but that isn't the problem or issue here. And Yes i understand why he is hurting. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 (edited) I have empathy but that isn't the problem or issue here. Your stepson IS judging you based on his interactions with you. We all try to make ourselves look as good as possible, and it's sometimes hard to be honest with ourselves about how our actions affect others. I'm not saying this to dis you, just to get you to try to be honest with yourself about what the REAL relationship looks like, from all angles. What 'the problem' is is how his SON views the interactions with you AND with his dad. It could have been something as small as a five-word sentence you said that sealed the deal and closed his heart. You will probably never know. But the bottom line is that if your dad wants his son, it has to be him (and maybe you) taking the steps and looking at your role. Edited November 4, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author StepMom001 Posted November 1, 2015 Author Share Posted November 1, 2015 Husband gets back tonight. When he called before boarding it sounded like things went decent. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StepMom001 Posted November 2, 2015 Author Share Posted November 2, 2015 Son said he needed time. And that he is no longer sure if he wishes to have us in his life. I truly wish this could be fixed. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Son said he needed time. And that he is no longer sure if he wishes to have us in his life. I truly wish this could be fixed. It would appear he has had a lot going on in his life - past and present. All you can do is give him space, unless he asks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Son said he needed time. And that he is no longer sure if he wishes to have us in his life. I truly wish this could be fixed. That will change when the baby comes. I would bet on it. Don't ignore the holidays if you figure that there's an "in" there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StepMom001 Posted November 3, 2015 Author Share Posted November 3, 2015 That will change when the baby comes. I would bet on it. Don't ignore the holidays if you figure that there's an "in" there. I hope so, We really want to be apart of our Grandchild's life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 I hope so, We really want to be apart of our Grandchild's life. Oh boy, you might want to tread lightly on the grandchild thing too. The son is probably hurting over not having his mom be there to be his baby's grandma. He's probably not going to see you as a grandparent. I know this likely all feels unfair to you, like you are being treated as an enemy when you haven't actually done anything wrong, but life isn't fair. It's not fair that this boy lost his mom as teenager, it's not fair that he's never going to be able to introduce his sweet newborn baby to his mom. He's hurting and he needs time to come around on his own terms. If he lets you meet the baby don't refer to yourself as the baby's grandparent, unless the son does it first. If you are patient and understanding the son will warm up to you and you will get to be a grandma to that baby. Don't force anything, don't rush, be gentle and patient. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 (edited) Did you know your H before his wife died? Were you friends or acquaintances? How did you meet? Edited November 4, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator hostile~T Link to post Share on other sites
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