basil67 Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Dude, your girlfriend is a nutter. Time to dump her. 1
Frank2thepoint Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Your girlfriend is emotionally abusive and does not respect you. Everyone has some insecurities, but she gushes over celebrities and compares you to fictional characters because she knows how it negatively impacts your self esteem. That's manipulative and emotionally abusive. You had communicated to her that you don't want to hear about her crush on Mr. Grey, yet she still memtions him to you, ignoring your request. She does not respect you. She replied "i dont support pathetic things like that". Followed by "i dont have time for this, have a good evening". She indirectly called you pathetic. She is definitely emotionally abusing you. no need to thank me, you deserve it . I honestly cant end it. I guess time will tell, but i choose to be optimistic I was going to recommend for you to break up with her. Make it quick and clean. You shouldn't have apologized to her, because you are not in the wrong. She should be apologizing to you, but as you've said, that won't ever happen. But from the last quoted post of yours, you are going to continue being emotionally abused, and mistakenly claim you have to endure to prove your love for her. Sadly I can predict what will end up happening. She will continue comparing you, and whittling down your self esteem. Eventually she'll lose complete respect for you because you won't have the gumption to end it. Eventually she'll break up with you. Or worse, she'll meet some "dominant" guy and cheat on you. I wish you the best. 1
SammySammy Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 wow...I never known a guy could love a girl so much nowadays. Is that love? I hope I never love a person enough to prostrate myself and allow them to walk all over me. 5
StBreton Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 OP knows all he wants to know about his gf ...he sees his situation as clearly as he can but is trying to resolve it ...he just wants it to work out at this time WITH her...thanks to the posters here he's got some new tools with which to navigate his situation. He's young and in love ...and now he just wants advice on how to get through this trying time. Sometimes things defy logic and have to just let it go.
spiderowl Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Hmm, this is a strange one. She is trying to wind you up but not in a nice, fun way either. Maybe she is testing your boundaries, seeing what you will put up with. She sounds disrespectful to me and not a very nice person. The question is, why is she testing you like this? Is it because she does want to feel you are more dominant in some way? Maybe, on a primitive level, she is wondering if you would be able to protect her should the situation arise. I don't know. On a purely personal, instinctive level, I wouldn't put up with this. It is disrespectful and I don't blame you for feeling angry. She is playing a dangerous game. If you get people angry, they start to have a bitter feeling about you. When you told her to shut up, she said nasty things. It could be this is her way of breaking up with you - not exactly saying so but provoking you into a confrontation. Who knows what is really going on? I think it would be fair to tell her not to do this again and be firm about it. If she persists, walk off. Do not give her attention if she behaves disrespectfully. Show her that you are not going to lose control but won't put up with it either. Expect an apology before you see her again. But, if you do this, be prepared for the relationship to end. She may be pushing it in that direction anyway. If you do stand up to her, both of you will know where the line is. That may put a stop to the behaviour.
StBreton Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 Your girlfriend is emotionally abusive and does not respect you. Everyone has some insecurities, but she gushes over celebrities and compares you to fictional characters because she knows how it negatively impacts your self esteem. That's manipulative and emotionally abusive. You had communicated to her that you don't want to hear about her crush on Mr. Grey, yet she still memtions him to you, ignoring your request. She does not respect you. She indirectly called you pathetic. She is definitely emotionally abusing you. I was going to recommend for you to break up with her. Make it quick and clean. You shouldn't have apologized to her, because you are not in the wrong. She should be apologizing to you, but as you've said, that won't ever happen. But from the last quoted post of yours, you are going to continue being emotionally abused, and mistakenly claim you have to endure to prove your love for her. Sadly I can predict what will end up happening. She will continue comparing you, and whittling down your self esteem. Eventually she'll lose complete respect for you because you won't have the gumption to end it. Eventually she'll break up with you. Or worse, she'll meet some "dominant" guy and cheat on you. I wish you the best. Your whole stream of consciousness thing toward the end just cracked me up. I do hope the OP and this girl figure it out ...if not he can come back to cry on the forum of big shoulders LS
bubbaganoosh Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 She has not apologized yet, and she probably wont do it either, she never does. She mentions the fantasyland boyfriend because she likes the book, apperently its mysterious and she likes that. I wrote to her today, wanting to solve the stupid arguement. I told her i could be more confident in myself if she supported me. She replied "i dont support pathetic things like that". Followed by "i dont have time for this, have a good evening". im a mess right now. We were supposed to go to school-prom this weekend...Yepp im a mess The go by yourself and if she asks who you went with tell her Mister Greys sister and she know how to keep her mouth shut and act like an adult. 1
sandylee1 Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 wow...I never known a guy could love a girl so much nowadays. Me neither. I never met a man who I could treat so badly and he apologises to me. I've certainly been with guys I could have taken advantage of, but nothing near this .......and it's really not in my nature to treat anyone like this either. I hope she doesn't laugh in your face when you set your boundaries with her....but if she outright tells you that she's going to carry on taking about Mr. Grey when you speak to her....what will you do? Accept it or end it? I'll be frank here. .....in this life , women are generally not used to being in positions of power ....and I say this a woman....so when some women see that they have the power....They abuse it. She has the power over you, she knows it and she's using it to the max. I don't see a future in this relationship and I honestly wouldn't be suprised if she kept going on about Mr. G to cause a fight, so she could go to the Prom with someone else. ......women can be really devious like that....but so can guys. You'll learn the hard way that she has no respect or regard for you. Let us know how it goes anyway. I was going to say good luck, but I can't bring myself to say that, because I sincerely believe you're better off without her. 1
joseb Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 Ok I haven't read the book but I watched the movie. It's utter crap. There isn't anything likeable about Mr grey. He's just a shyte character. Even the so called bdsm stuff is pathetic. I haven't read all the replies, but I get the sense that she was verbally abusive to you. don't put up with that shyte from anyone. 1
Frank2thepoint Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 OP knows all he wants to know about his gf ...he sees his situation as clearly as he can but is trying to resolve it ...he just wants it to work out at this time WITH her...thanks to the posters here he's got some new tools with which to navigate his situation. He's young and in love ...and now he just wants advice on how to get through this trying time. Sometimes things defy logic and have to just let it go. The best choice for the OP is to break up with his girlfriend. It would be the best choice for his self esteem and mental health. He is young and it's his first relationship. But he doesn't want to break up because he is convinced it might be the end of the world for him, as if he won't find anyone else or anyone better. But he could find someone better, if he allowed himself to. 1
Lois_Griffin Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 Is that love? I hope I never love a person enough to prostrate myself and allow them to walk all over me. I completely agree. About the only thing the OP isn't doing is handing her his testicles to hang from her rearview mirror. At the rate he's going, that will probably be happening very soon. Jesus. OP - you're IGNORING the signals she's been giving you for a long time. She's enamored with the 50 Shades sexual mentality and wants to explore. You mistakenly assume she has a 'low sex drive' because she's only had sex twice with you this last year. That's probably not from a low sex drive - it's probably because it's boring for her. Step it up. She's clearly into exploring BDSM. 2
Wewon Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 I think if you were a woman, and your boyfriend kept mentioning his crushes etc How the picture of sympathy changes. I don't think your insecure. I think its natural to feel inferior if your other half is crushing on another. And constantly mentioning it. If my husband did this to me I'd be pretty hurt honestly. I would cry. You've been accomdating and even politely asked for it not to be talked about. But she was being very insensitive towards you. And now you've both snapped. I personally would apologise for the reaction. But not without resolving the issue that caused it in the first place. I love this post.
Wewon Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 My $0.02... Her behavior is unacceptable, I don't know what she does or what void is in your life that she fills/validates, but most people would have dumped her long ago for her antics, let alone apologize for finally snapping and saying "shut up". What she's doing is probably the equivalent of a guy going on and on about how hot some woman is that he saw in a porno; while insisting that his girlfriend do more things like her. In short, being unfavorably compared is cruel to both men and women. One of the most liberating/painful realizations that I had was when I came to terms with the fact that my ex simply didn't like me. Telling you to "be more adventurous" or "be more dominant" will only prolong the pain since she's already in the process of devaluing the relationship in her own mind. Unless there is other information about her that makes you want to stay, I would seriously re-evaluate this relationship and my reasons for staying in it. 4
StBreton Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 The OP knows all of this ... His scope is quite small at this time and he can only see his romantic world from a very acute angle. He doesn't understand the long range implications of being with this person long term. This is also his first romantic relationship, he's smitten and lost in the vortex of it all ...like puppy love. We can only support him when or if (gf doesn't change) it all comes crashing down on him. I feel like I've taken him under my wing ...I have boys that I'm sure will make some foolish hormone fueled dating decisions that will implode ...oy vey ... And I'll be there with an open ear and heart if they choose to share ... And milk and fresh baked cookies.
Author memento mori Posted November 15, 2015 Author Posted November 15, 2015 Sorry for the late reply, was buisy because of my exams. Seems you guys were right after all. We have not broken up, but are still fighting and now she wont talk to me. Right now im in the edge, ive never been this close to ending the relationship. My dad had a heart attack, but is doing fine now. When i told her, i got nothing at all, No support or sympathy. She left me down when i needed her the most. Im trying to understand what it is that is keeping me in this relationship. Honestly its nothing else than her happiness. I cant explain it but her hapiness is mine, despite her treating me like **** some times. No sympathy, no affection, only rudeness and selfishness. I really hate my mind right now, wish i could hat eher but i cant
CarrieT Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 Right now im in the edge, ive never been this close to ending the relationship. After all you have written, what is stopping you from ending the relationship?
loveflower Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 Im trying to understand what it is that is keeping me in this relationship. Honestly its nothing else than her happiness. I cant explain it but her hapiness is mine, despite her treating me like **** some times. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome if we substitute captor with abuser and hostage with abusee, then it makes sense for OP. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 Sorry for the late reply, was buisy because of my exams. Seems you guys were right after all. We have not broken up, but are still fighting and now she wont talk to me. Right now im in the edge, ive never been this close to ending the relationship. My dad had a heart attack, but is doing fine now. When i told her, i got nothing at all, No support or sympathy. She left me down when i needed her the most. Im trying to understand what it is that is keeping me in this relationship. Honestly its nothing else than her happiness. I cant explain it but her hapiness is mine, despite her treating me like **** some times. No sympathy, no affection, only rudeness and selfishness. I really hate my mind right now, wish i could hat eher but i cant Its scary ending a first relationship. Especially one that has lasted awhile when you are young. Its almost like you are waiting for a "switch to flip." I waited for a "switch to flip" inside of me during a very involved relationship that was (at the time) particularly awful. That's when I discovered that some of us lack that "flip-switch mechanism" especially because we "don't want to hurt the other person." BUT. I did have to learn that I have special relationship needs too. And they counted just as much, if not more, than his. I didn't deserve to be called names, ghosted on, threatened with leaving and cheated on. I deserved better. I sure wasn't treating him like crap and he didn't have the right to do that to me. I had to go fond the switch and flip it myself. What's the other option? Wait until they dump you? Put up with this for 10,20,50 more years? No thanks. You are young. You can find a much better relationship than having sex 2x per year and being compared to immature fantasy ideals. She really does need to shut up. Don't teach her that she can treat you this way anymore. You aren't an object she can toss around at will. You are a decent young man who deserves far more respect than you are getting. Flip the switch on her. The only thing you have to lose is the selfish headache she is. 2
loveflower Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 (edited) Abusive Relationships: Situations-Symptoms of Stockholm Syndrome | ReceiveHealing.com http://www.nbcnews.com/id/7793375/ns/msnbc-the_abrams_report/t/why-we-love-ones-who-hurt-us/#.VkkckXarTq4 As mentioned in Part 1 of this post, the feelings of love for the abuser are actually part of an emotional defense mechanism, as opposed to real love that exists in a healthy relationship. This emotional bonding is a survival strategy for victims of abuse and intimidation, though they are not fully aware of it happening. Edited November 16, 2015 by loveflower
StBreton Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 Its scary ending a first relationship. Especially one that has lasted awhile when you are young. Its almost like you are waiting for a "switch to flip." I waited for a "switch to flip" inside of me during a very involved relationship that was (at the time) particularly awful. That's when I discovered that some of us lack that "flip-switch mechanism" especially because we "don't want to hurt the other person." BUT. I did have to learn that I have special relationship needs too. And they counted just as much, if not more, than his. I didn't deserve to be called names, ghosted on, threatened with leaving and cheated on. I deserved better. I sure wasn't treating him like crap and he didn't have the right to do that to me. I had to go fond the switch and flip it myself. What's the other option? Wait until they dump you? Put up with this for 10,20,50 more years? No thanks. You are young. You can find a much better relationship than having sex 2x per year and being compared to immature fantasy ideals. She really does need to shut up. Don't teach her that she can treat you this way anymore. You aren't an object she can toss around at will. You are a decent young man who deserves far more respect than you are getting. Flip the switch on her. The only thing you have to lose is the selfish headache she is. Hey Memento! I'm really sorry to hear about your dad:( Hope he pulls through and is receiving excellent care. You deserve and need support from those close to you during times such as these. It's difficult to flip the switch referred to above to "off" ... you might really have to reach a really low low point to realize YOU are worthy of care, too, during difficult times. WE know you are but YOU have to realize this. Whatever happened in your life that led you to being with someone like your girlfriend (who is callus, lacks empathy, sometimes cruel) YOU will have to heal that part of you to realize you deserve someone who supports you, loves you, and cares deeply for you (shows it!) before you will actually turn away from a person like your girlfriend and find someone who is good to you. Until you can make that decision, continue to come to LS for support. It may be a short journey or long one, but we'll be here:) Hugs and prayers for you and your dad. B 1
sandylee1 Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 MM Doesn't it strike you as odd that a bunch of strangers care more for your wellbeing than your so called girlfriend? Why would you be with a girl who doesn't even show concern for your dad who was ill? You need some counselling to work through why you think so little of yourself. 1
Got it Posted November 16, 2015 Posted November 16, 2015 All, can we please make sure we are keeping ages and maturity levels in perspective as well. He mentioned prom so at least one of them is in high school. How many of us handled relationships in the healthiest manner as a teen? Their sex life? They are teens. Her sex drive is still being established. Their communication and conflict resolution skills are still being developed. OP - this is your first relationship right? I think you need to look at this at 50,000 feet instead of in the weeds. This will probably be the first of a few relationship for you. You are learning a lot about what you want in a relationship and what you don't want. I think you are learning about yourself as well. Do you have a trusted adult you can talk to in real life? While I think how she has handled things is just silly and giving you the pretty typical "romance novel" fantasy line and delivering it in a very unhealthy/unproductive manner. This is not a reflection of you but of her, her development. You need to look at how you want your romantic relationships to be. What type of person do you feel you want/need. What is keeping you in this relationship? Deep dive why you are afraid to stand up for yourself. Why are you afraid of letting go? Is this patterns you have found yourself doing in platonic relationships? Please be gentle with yourself, you are learning how to date, learning about romantic relationships, and learning how to communicate and conflic resolve. These are skills that takes years to develop and that many, even at much older ages, still struggle with! Remember, we have to be our own best advocate and stand up for ourselves. No one else is going to do that for us like we can. Talk to some trusted people in real life and don't allow fear keep you stuck. This advice applies to many areas of life. Mistakes can happen, we can "fail", but the lessons learned are so worth the risk. Good luck.
Author memento mori Posted November 16, 2015 Author Posted November 16, 2015 I am indeed still learning about love and relationships, and i still have alot to learn. I have been thinking alot, and have come up with a few reasons that are keeping me in this relationship: 1. I am afraid. I have no idea how i will cope if i break up, i am afraid i wont ever be able to get over her, and everything i have invested in her will be a waste. Its hard to explain, but im just afraid.. 2. She is the only person i have ever met who i can trust 100 %. I KNOW for sure she would never betray me or cheat on me. She has values that inspire me: she respects her parents alot, does not crave attention and really wants everyone to be happy. When things were alright between us, she made me smile everyday. She almost does not drink, never parties and is a really modest soul. And does are qualities that really really matter to me. She is 1 in a billion, and i am not sure i can find someone like her again. 3. When we were good, she used to be my biggest happiness. I have so many good memories with her i will never forget. Even though things are tough between us now, it used to be like heaven on earth. The best thing i coul wish for was to fix it so things could be like before. Lastly i would like to add that she is good to be 7/10 times. We have an arguement about once every month, is that normal? Thanks LS, so glad i posted this thread, got alot off my chest
Author memento mori Posted November 16, 2015 Author Posted November 16, 2015 yes its my first. And i wish for it to be my only one. Im not a fan of dating and meeting lots of girls.
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