Suruhx Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 I posted my original problem on here last week (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/552715-not-sure-what-going) I have been going crazy over the past couple of days. My ex is a personal trainer and I think he might have GIGS. when we broke up he was crying, I thought it was over the ending of the relationship, but it is obvious now it was guilt. His 'client' posted under a picture of him saying 'it would look better with the top off ' and I lost it. I broke my NC to confront him. He didn't say anything back and I just assumed I was crazy for even thinking that. I thought my mind was making me overthink. I wish that was the reason now. I broke NC again last night, I will not BS and say I didn't pester him but I did. I called him a coward for ignoring me (even though he wanted to be 'friends.) so he deleted me. Not that I blame him. I got home and had a message from him that said, 'yes I am with (my client) and I am happy now. Please just leave me alone and move on with your life. I have known him for 3 years and he would never have spoken like that before. It is three weeks since the break up and he is already with this other girl (I assume he was speaking to her before we broke up, because they were texting and facebooking. He told me that was just 'how she was'. We have just recently got a house together and are back from holidays, which was perfect. Everything he has said and done since we have broken up doesn't seem like HIM. never in a million years would I have thought he would do this to me. I feel like an idiot for clinging onto the hope that he was 'confused' and would come back. I knew that it was someone else, but he protested time and time again that it wasn't. I feel like I am worse off now than I was at the time of the original break up. I told everyone he 'wasn't like that' and stood up for him when everyone was calling him an *******. I should have trusted my gut instinct. I now have the closure I need to move on from this heartbreak, but it hurts more than it has before. I would like to hear what everyone has to say, if they have any advice for me. I have been destroyed by my best friend.
louxor Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 I posted my original problem on here last week (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/552715-not-sure-what-going) I have been going crazy over the past couple of days. My ex is a personal trainer and I think he might have GIGS. when we broke up he was crying, I thought it was over the ending of the relationship, but it is obvious now it was guilt. His 'client' posted under a picture of him saying 'it would look better with the top off ' and I lost it. I broke my NC to confront him. He didn't say anything back and I just assumed I was crazy for even thinking that. I thought my mind was making me overthink. I wish that was the reason now. I broke NC again last night, I will not BS and say I didn't pester him but I did. I called him a coward for ignoring me (even though he wanted to be 'friends.) so he deleted me. Not that I blame him. I got home and had a message from him that said, 'yes I am with (my client) and I am happy now. Please just leave me alone and move on with your life. I have known him for 3 years and he would never have spoken like that before. It is three weeks since the break up and he is already with this other girl (I assume he was speaking to her before we broke up, because they were texting and facebooking. He told me that was just 'how she was'. We have just recently got a house together and are back from holidays, which was perfect. Everything he has said and done since we have broken up doesn't seem like HIM. never in a million years would I have thought he would do this to me. I feel like an idiot for clinging onto the hope that he was 'confused' and would come back. I knew that it was someone else, but he protested time and time again that it wasn't. I feel like I am worse off now than I was at the time of the original break up. I told everyone he 'wasn't like that' and stood up for him when everyone was calling him an *******. I should have trusted my gut instinct. I now have the closure I need to move on from this heartbreak, but it hurts more than it has before. I would like to hear what everyone has to say, if they have any advice for me. I have been destroyed by my best friend. Good on him for saying it how it is. Yeh he might come off as heartless or rude or whatever from saying that, but would you prefer he just say something else to protect your feelings but leaves you hanging around in false hope? As tough as it is, he has done you a favor by being completely honest with you. He's moved on, he's with someone else, he's happy, he doesn't want you to contact him. By knowing this you are skipping right past the thing that tends to hold people back when they get dumped - false hope. In this case there is no false hope to dwell on, so as hard as it may be, this will only aid your recovery.
Author Suruhx Posted October 18, 2015 Author Posted October 18, 2015 Yeah I know, I wasn't expecting it they way he said it. It's hard to accept but I have to do it.
louxor Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 Yeh I can imagine how hard it would've been to hear that from someone who you once had such a strong connection with, but it's just a fact of life we have to accept. We either grow together with someone or we grow apart, and there's not much else we can do.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 (edited) I feel you, OP. Something similar happened to me a few years back. My boyfriend of nearly 8 years (6 living together) suddenly started to pull away and became distant. Like you, I also wanted to believe he was just stressed and confused but I had a hunch there was more to it. We broke up a couple months after I confronted him about his change in behavior. It was a difficult split as obviously we needed to divide up and sort out our apartment, belongings, car, life insurance, etc etc. I came to find out a couple years later that he had in fact started seeing someone while we were still together and his apparent sadness and emotion during our split was very likely stemming from his guilt. Sometimes the people we once knew change and become someone we no longer recognize. It's a tricky part of life. Just because a person has never given any indication that they dishonest or disloyal doesn't mean that they are incapable of doing crappy things. They are. Nobody would have guessed what my then-boyfriend was up to. When I reflect on that relationship (which isn't very often anymore, to be honest) I can enjoy the fond memories of what we shared. But my thoughts about him changed drastically and I view him in a very different light now. I've since moved on completely and you will too! Edited October 18, 2015 by ExpatInItaly
Meli22 Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 I feel you, OP. Something similar happened to me a few years back. My boyfriend of nearly 8 years (6 living together) suddenly started to pull away and became distant. Like you, I also wanted to believe he was just stressed and confused but I had a hunch there was more to it. We broke up a couple months after I confronted him about his change in behavior. It was a difficult split as obviously we needed to divide up and sort out our apartment, belongings, car, life insurance, etc etc. I came to find out a couple years later that he had in fact started seeing someone while we were still together and his apparent sadness and emotion during our split was very likely stemming from his guilt. Sometimes the people we once knew change and become someone we no longer recognize. It's a tricky part of life. Just because a person has never given any indication that they dishonest or disloyal doesn't mean that they are incapable of doing crappy things. They are. Nobody would have guessed what my then-boyfriend was up to. When I reflect on that relationship (which isn't very often anymore, to be honest) I can enjoy the fond memories of what we shared. But my thoughts about him changed drastically and I view him in a very different light now. I've since moved on completely and you will too! How did you find that out years later? Just curious. It's happened to me too. An ex of mine broke up with me and two weeks later a mutual friend of ours told me he was now with a girl who I knew. It was like a kick in the stomach! Their relationship lasted barely two months and he tried crawling back but still.. It's not nice at all. My last relationship I had a feeling that someone else had came into the picture. My ex was being distant and pulling away. I did something very out of character for me and I looked through his phone, Facebook etc. no evidence of anything. There may have no been a particular person but I do feel he wanted to see what else was out there. OP as hard as this is, be thankful you now have the closure you needed to move on. It'll take time but I think the sooner we know things the sooner we can begin healing. Just focus on his bad points and feel sorry for the new girl
Author Suruhx Posted October 18, 2015 Author Posted October 18, 2015 Thanks for all the words of advice guys! It's comforting to know that there are people out there that have suffered the same fate but have been able to move on. It going to be a long and painful road, but for myself and my character I've gotta suck it up and deal with it! I can't imagine it lasting long, but even if it does I've got to remind myself that this was not my fault. I done all I could. Thanks again everyone!
ExpatInItaly Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 How did you find that out years later? Just curious. It's happened to me too. An ex of mine broke up with me and two weeks later a mutual friend of ours told me he was now with a girl who I knew. It was like a kick in the stomach! Their relationship lasted barely two months and he tried crawling back but still.. It's not nice at all. My last relationship I had a feeling that someone else had came into the picture. My ex was being distant and pulling away. I did something very out of character for me and I looked through his phone, Facebook etc. no evidence of anything. There may have no been a particular person but I do feel he wanted to see what else was out there. OP as hard as this is, be thankful you now have the closure you needed to move on. It'll take time but I think the sooner we know things the sooner we can begin healing. Just focus on his bad points and feel sorry for the new girl We are from a small town and a friend of mine happens to know the "other woman." (acquaintances from elementary school) They ran into each other recently and got caught up and my friend asked her if she was with anyone and she said she'd gotten married about 1.5 years ago, to my ex. My friend asked when they got together and it was a couple months before he and and I split up. The woman doesn't know my friend's connection to me or my ex. Honestly, I'd had some suspicions about it before we broke up so this more or less just confirmed what I already knew. My ex and I haven't had any contact for a few years now; we don't even live on the same continent anymore and I'm in a happy relationship now myself. So OP, if you are reading this, know that it does get better!
sandylee1 Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 There's a better man out there for you. It hurts like hell, but in years to come when your in a new relationship, you'll realise every cloud has a silver lining. If he wasn't happy with you , he should have said something, but I think someone in his line of work will very often stray. Save yourself the heartache and don't let this ruin your chance of happiness with another guy.
Author Suruhx Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 Thanks everyone for the replies and advice. When we originally broke up 3 weeks ago I was hanging onto the fact there could be some reconciliation down the line. But now after he has kept the relationship with his client from me without being honest (even though I asked him countless times) I don't want a reconciliation. He is a coward and what he done was twisted. I believe this is a classic GIGS situation. I hope he realises how badly he messed up. If he tries to get back in contact with me about the mistake he's made, then he's not going to get anywhere. This was never about me, this is his problem and I no longer have to deal with them. It's time to focus on me and my life and realise that I have done nothing but love that man, warts and all. Soon he will see that she can't replace 3 years hard work I've done getting him where he is now in life. Time to but my big girl pants on Thanks again everyone! 1
candie13 Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 get out of the financial deal asap. That is priority number one. It is horrible, the way he acted during then end of your RS and after the break up. Really is. You were within your rights to pester him and ask questions because he was leaving you hanging. There is nothing that you should have or could have done differently. This is not about your 3 years of "hard work" at your past RS. RS are not supposed to be "hard work". It's about him being the right guy for you, wanting to take care of you and wanting to stay there, by your side. I know you may not want to hear it, but there are some really wonderful people out there, much more suitable with you, who are better partners, better lovers... simply more compatible than you ex was. And that will make you a lot happier, I tell you that. I've left my most recent ex - he lied - and I was devastated. HE seemed such a nice man, such a great bf and person... IT took me time, time to meet other men and to compare and realize... well, he was good, but he was not really that great. There are other things that I treasure much more and I needed to meet these other men to realize this... I think we do experience personal growth as we let people in our lives and as we open ourselves to the world. As ExpatInItaly mentioned, it will get better. And in order for you to feel better, you need to stop all contact with your ex and close all pending businesses where he was involved. Do it really really quickly, like taking off a bandaid. Repeat this mantra to yourself: "the sooner I do this, the sooner it's over, the sooner I'll start healing". be strong ! 1
jen1447 Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Closure is rarely easy (in fact it's almost always very hard bc the truth to broken relationships is rarely pleasant), but it is better. Now you have an answer - the truth - and as sucky as it is you can start to heal. You don't have to endlessly dwell on it wondering who/what/when/where/why. A year from now you'll be much better off knowing the truth and having your closure than w/out. Trust me. 4
stillafool Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Unfortunately not all dumpers are as honest as he. Most of the time when a person moves on so soon they already had that person waiting for them to break up. OP, I know it hurts like hell but at least you know the truth and you won't have to keep wondering if he made a mistake or has second thoughts. You can now hurt, heal and move on knowing you are leaving nothing behind. 2
stillafool Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Thanks for all the words of advice guys! It's comforting to know that there are people out there that have suffered the same fate but have been able to move on. It going to be a long and painful road, but for myself and my character I've gotta suck it up and deal with it! I can't imagine it lasting long, but even if it does I've got to remind myself that this was not my fault. I done all I could. Thanks again everyone! You'll be surprised how much easier it will be to move forward now that you know the real deal. 4
deadelvis Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Yeah. Same thing happened to me about a year ago. It's a blessing. Now you have closure and you can move on. The hard part is when his rebound doesn't work out and he comes crawling back.
jen1447 Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Yeah. Same thing happened to me about a year ago. It's a blessing. Now you have closure and you can move on. The hard part is when his rebound doesn't work out and he comes crawling back. Actually not as hard bc of your liberty to move on. It's the answerless ppl still in limbo who are most vulnerable to returns. 2
StBreton Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I'm sorry this happened to you OP. Way to go for thinking about moving forward. My belief is ...if someone doesn't want to be with me ...it'll hurt but in the end I've got myself ...and I can go on and still make and have a great life for myself. I've not told my story on this site but I can empathize with you. You see ...after ~18 yrs of marriage and 2 wonderful children who I adore ....my ex H went on a cruise with the kids (I was finishing a pre med ...graduated 4.0 yay for me!) anyway I couldn't go on the cruise because I had to finish some clinicals. A month later ex asked for a divorce. I knew something had shifted before he said something but couldn't identify it ...pressed it with him and he said he wanted a divorce. He HAD met someone on that cruise. How did I find out? My kids. Ya ...she was cruising solo and had dinner at their table every night. It's been 2 years ...divorced last year ...they are still together ... I just let it go ...I'm devastated for my kids that they do not have an intact family ...sad for losing my partner (I prefer being a couple and we had great times though things were not always good) and not totally thrilled about dating at this time in my life ...but I'm glad he's happy ... how he did it wasn't ok ...but that's on him. I'm making my own way now (stumbling some here and there) ...but I'll be ok. I believe you will be too ...grieve and keep moving forward. Spend some alone time reflecting but keep yourself busy ...and love yourself.
katinlc Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 You'll be surprised how much easier it will be to move forward now that you know the real deal. ^^^ This I know it hurts now, but I found out an ex was cheating on me and that's why we broke up and it made it so much easier to get over him. The sadness and pining and hoping we would get back together turned to anger and a realization that it was over cause he moved on not because of other reasons and he wasn't coming back. It still hurt, but the closure did make it easier. Karma does come around - this particular guy texted me about 6 months later that she had cheated on him...can't say I didn't smile a little when I got that message.
Author Suruhx Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 Thanks for sharing all your experiences with me the idea of what was lost is definitely harder to get over rather than the person. I'm just dealing with getting myself together. Trying to get the motivation to do anything is the worst! But I do have to admit I feel fortunate that I was able to drag the closure out of him. I have officially cut all ties with him as of Sunday and I already felt the weight on my shoulders shift. I was constantly obsessing on why he wasn't online or why he wasn't online but now I don't have to worry about that anymore I'm still young and have a lot more in me, I can't dwell on the fact that this boy was an ******* at dealing with the breakup, there's always going to be something better out there for everyone, we just have to get over the pain and let the healing start, then everything will start falling into place the way they should be 2
candie13 Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Actually not as hard bc of your liberty to move on. It's the answerless ppl still in limbo who are most vulnerable to returns. for real! I've seen men cash on women's time and body big time with this technique! No mercy for the weak, in this world .
StBreton Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Thanks for sharing all your experiences with me the idea of what was lost is definitely harder to get over rather than the person. I'm just dealing with getting myself together. Trying to get the motivation to do anything is the worst! But I do have to admit I feel fortunate that I was able to drag the closure out of him. I have officially cut all ties with him as of Sunday and I already felt the weight on my shoulders shift. I was constantly obsessing on why he wasn't online or why he wasn't online but now I don't have to worry about that anymore I'm still young and have a lot more in me, I can't dwell on the fact that this boy was an ******* at dealing with the breakup, there's always going to be something better out there for everyone, we just have to get over the pain and let the healing start, then everything will start falling into place the way they should be He was an ****** so you could go be with someone who isn't thank him someday when you're ready And welcome to LS
Spoonss Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 At the end of the day, you got your heart broken. It doesnt matter which way it happened or why it happened but it did. It hurts just as bad the pain you will have to endure for a while but theres a brightside. It just means you will have the chance to meet some one better suited for you eventually. I got out of a really harsh 5 year relationship 2 years ago and I was destroyed couldnt eat move do much of anything for a very long time, and today I have met some one who treats me right and loves me even with all my messed up crazy ass problems. All im trying to say is that I promise you will be ok in time. And I hope its sooner than later. Hang in there, and I wish all the best for you:)
Author Suruhx Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 Yeah, I mean everyone saying that it isn't as hard for me because I have closure isn't a nice feeling. My feelings are justified, with closure or not, because I am heartbroken. One of his friends spoke to me last night asking why I had blocked her on Facebook, I didn't. I just removed melt old one I set up at the start of the year. She asked why I was acting weird. She would have been close with my ex too, she said she has been speaking to him through texts and there was no mention of the girl to her, but she is aware he is apparently seeing someone. I told her what he said to be on Saturday night and she also agreed with me saying that 'it doesn't sound like him, that's not him at all'. She has known him for 10 years. My brain is still thinking about everything that has happened and thinking about the way he has acted is making me feel sick to my stomach. I stopped replying to her because there's no way in hell that speaking to her is going to help my recovery from this, it'll just keep bringing up old feelings which is not what I want. I will be ok, but I fear it's going to take a lot longer than I think. My friends are saying I'm doing so well and I'm being strong, but I'm afraid that in a months time it's going to hit me a lot worse. I do not think he will make contact with me again, I do not think he will ever change his mind. Regardless of our house we got together and the three great years we spent together, I think he is caught up in his lifestyle and thinks he can get a lot more out of his life. But I've got to remember that this is all for me, everything I am doing now is for me and nobody else is going to help me out of this situation.
Methodical Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Yeah, I mean everyone saying that it isn't as hard for me because I have closure isn't a nice feeling. My feelings are justified, with closure or not, because I am heartbroken. You feel ppl are marginalizing your pain and that's not the case. I think that the majority are trying to tell you that, yes, it sucks golfballs to be cast aside, to have the person you loved and defended prove you were wrong about his character, BUT, that knowing the truth is better than wondering what the hell went wrong and possibly blaming yourself. With answers, you aren't left wondering if YOU did something wrong. You have a confession that it was him and his actions. That's not saying you aren't hurting A LOT. That's reassurance that you have answers to help you process the breakup, (and that's going to take time) and to move forward without the doubt and uncertainty that looms over some ppl's head bc ex-turd doesn't have the decency to man-up and tell you the truth - like you aren't worthy of an explanation after investing 3 years of your life. Unfortunately, any time we get hurt, we all have to put in our time in order to properly digest and eventually accept what happened, and move on. You will be doing that with answers, knowing he was at fault, not you. In no way is your pain being marginalized. Ppl are trying to offer their support.
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