Torn and don't know . He wants me to leave

October 16, 2015

It depends. Do you think a physical bruise is worse or better than an emotional scar? Do you think slapping someone is better or worse than repeatedly calling them garbage, belittling them, threatening them?

Like I said, I think there is a reason some people do not recognize verbal abuse.

Verbal abuse is unacceptable, but it's there and irrefutable and in your face. it's something that is without question.

Deceit is also abuse, it's vague, it's passive aggressive, it's a silent firm of abuse.

I'd rather in your face abuse and the reality of it than the allusive behind your back abuse smoke and mirrors tactics.

October 16, 2015

It depends. Do you think a physical bruise is worse or better than an emotional scar? Do you think slapping someone is better or worse than repeatedly calling them garbage, belittling them, threatening them?

Like I said, I think there is a reason some people do not recognize verbal abuse.

but that makes it sound as if physical abuse doesn't emotionally and mentally scar the victims as well. People who are physically abused don't heal when their scars does.

October 16, 2015

I have seen men who would swear up and down they never abuse their wives reduce her to a mass of jello with calm spoken words and a "look." They would never consider it abuse because they didn't scream of raise a hand. But trust me; it was abuse....it ripped her to shreds right there for everyone to see.

I notice that with some posters, it is always men doing this to women, and never the other way around. Since I have a strong, confident, smart wife, it never occurred to me to considered women to still be that stereotypical emotionally weaker sex from 50 years ago, where a man that does not "scream or raise a hand" at his wife could reduce her "to a mass of jello with calm spoken words and a "look."" If there is a look that could get my wife to back down, I have not found it. This belief that women are an emotionally weaker sex plays right into the hands of those that discriminate against women, and is a view that I do not share with you.

October 16, 2015

I notice that with some posters, it is always men doing this to women, and never the other way around. Since I have a strong, confident, smart wife, it never occurred to me to considered women to still be that stereotypical emotionally weaker sex from 50 years ago, where a man that does not "scream or raise a hand" at his wife could reduce her "to a mass of jello with calm spoken words and a "look."" If there is a look that could get my wife to back down, I have not found it. This belief that women are an emotionally weaker sex plays right into the hands of those that discriminate against women, and is a view that I do not share with you.

I do not think women as a rule are weaker. I am certainly not weak. However, men who like to......be in charge and not have anything questioned know exactly what type of woman to look for.

Cheating is never justified.

Neither is knowingly hurting your spouse with a fist, words, or shouts.

October 16, 2015

How is emotional abuse worse then physical? If you had said it's just as worst then I maybe could have agreed but to say it's worse is crazy.

Because women are far less likely to leave emotional abusers, because it's easier to justify leaving after being hit. When you tell people he's being mad at me all the time, they just say something like 'well, what did you do to make him mad?'

The way emotional abuse works, the abuser isolates you from your support people, he blames things on you, he makes you doubt your worth, he gaslights you, he controls your money, he basically emotionally brainwashes you to believe you have no worth and can't survive without him.

And if someone else sees bruises on you, they may call the police and give you impetus to get out, whereas those being emotionally abused almost always live with it in silence, their whole lives.

October 16, 2015

I notice that with some posters, it is always men doing this to women, and never the other way around. Since I have a strong, confident, smart wife, it never occurred to me to considered women to still be that stereotypical emotionally weaker sex from 50 years ago, where a man that does not "scream or raise a hand" at his wife could reduce her "to a mass of jello with calm spoken words and a "look."" If there is a look that could get my wife to back down, I have not found it. This belief that women are an emotionally weaker sex plays right into the hands of those that discriminate against women, and is a view that I do not share with you.

I linked statistics here that showed that basically 90% of all abuse cases are men on women.

You clearly have NO idea what you're talking about when it comes to abuse, so I suggest we just drop the subject.

October 16, 2015

Because women are far less likely to leave emotional abusers, because it's easier to justify leaving after being hit. When you tell people he's being mad at me all the time, they just say something like 'well, what did you do to make him mad?'

The way emotional abuse works, the abuser isolates you from your support people, he blames things on you, he makes you doubt your worth, he gaslights you, he controls your money, he basically emotionally brainwashes you to believe you have no worth and can't survive without him.

And if someone else sees bruises on you, they may call the police and give you impetus to get out, whereas those being emotionally abused almost always live with it in silence, their whole lives.

So you're saying since women are more then likely to stay with emotionally abusive people it makes it worst? I would argue it's the other way around. All those things you've stated can be also applied to physical abuse, actually those are the signs for physical abuse. Now correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like you're saying it's easier to get out of a physically abusive relationship because 1. It's easier to know why you're leaving and 2. Everyone else could help you as they see that he's in the wrong.

Now my problem with this is that it sounds like something someone who doesn't know about physical abuse would say. Do you know why people in abusive relationship stay? A lot doesn't stay out of love but fear! Actually like 50% actually do try and leave the relationship. And around 4000 abuse victims die a year and 75% of them died trying to leave the relationship. And this number could actually be much more. And in a perfect world yes calling the cops would be of help but that's not the case. Even with the law and restraining orders, victims still die. A lot of America mass killings that don't even be publicized be from ex abusive lovers killing their ex and her family.

Now tell me how many victims die from verbal or emotional abuse alone. And I do mean alone, Nothing else. they can't already be having some mental illness or depression for example. With emotionally and verbal abuse yeah it maybe a harder choice to make on your own but with physical abuse you don't even have a choice a lot of the times

Edited October 16, 2015 by Itwasntme

October 16, 2015

The percentage of financial abuse that occurs in all domestic violence cases. The number one reason domestic violence survivors stay or return to the abusive relationship is because the abuser controls their money supply, leaving them with no financial resources to break free.

30 Shocking Domestic Violence Statistics That Remind Us It's An Epidemic

And I didn't justify the cheating. I COUNTERED the claim that she made up the abuse to justify the cheating.

Funny. And I never claimed physical abuse, just abuse. And the larger group of abused women are never touched physically, but eroded mentally. It's easier to leave a man who hits you; not so easy when he just tells you you're a POS, worthless, nobody else would take you, you should be grateful, it's all your fault...day in and day out.

I linked statistics here that showed that basically 90% of all abuse cases are men on women.

You clearly have NO idea what you're talking about when it comes to abuse, so I suggest we just drop the subject.

First you cite a study on “domestic violence”, and state that you are doing this to “COUNTERED the claim that she made up the abuse to justify the cheating” (with “she” being the OP). Then when I stated that “The OP never claimed physical abuse, and there is a difference between physical abuse and emotional abuse” in pointing out your inappropriate use of a study on physical domestic violence in a conversation about emotional abuse, you claim that you “never claimed physical abuse, just abuse” (completely missing my point). And now in responding to my comments that were 100% directed at emotional abuse and not physical abuse, you are again citing the study on domestic violence that is 100% about physical abuse.

I restate to you that “there is a difference between physical abuse and emotional abuse”. Please stop citing studies on physical abuse and apply them to a cases of purely emotional abuse as if they are one and same thing, they are not.

October 16, 2015

So you're saying since women are more then likely to stay with emotionally abusive people it makes it worst? I would argue it's the other way around. All those things you've stated can be also applied to physical abuse, actually those are the signs for physical abuse. Now correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like you're saying it's easier to get out of a physically abusive relationship because 1. It's easier to know why you're leaving and 2. Everyone else could help you as they see that he's in the wrong.

Now my problem with this is that it sounds like something someone who doesn't know about physical abuse would say. Do you know why people in abusive relationship stay? A lot doesn't stay out of love but fear! Actually like 50% actually do try and leave the relationship. And around 4000 abuse victims die a year and 75% of them died trying to leave the relationship. And this number could actually be much more. And in a perfect world yes calling the cops would be of help but that's not the case. Even with the law and restraining orders, victims still die. A lot of America mass killings that don't even be publicized be from ex abusive lovers killing their ex and her family.

Now tell me how many victims die from verbal or emotional abuse alone. And I do mean alone, Nothing else. they can't already be having some mental illness or depression for example. With emotionally and verbal abuse yeah it maybe a harder choice to make on your own but with physical abuse you don't even have a choice a lot of the times

This is like saying "would you rather die or be slowly tortured?" Neither of the options should have to be options.

Why are you so set on defending verbal abuse? Do you have an anger problem?

October 16, 2015

This is like saying "would you rather die or be slowly tortured?" Neither of the options should have to be options.

Why are you so set on defending verbal abuse? Do you have an anger problem?

Itwasntme never said that either should be an option. Itwasntme only pointed out facts about physical abuse, and did so without any personal digs at you (such as your unfounded comment "Do you have an anger problem?).

October 16, 2015

Itwasntme never said that either should be an option. Itwasntme only pointed out facts about physical abuse, and did so without any personal digs at you (such as your unfounded comment "Do you have an anger problem?).

thank the you try. And as try stated, I'm just pointing out that to say that one form of abuse is worst then the other would be crazy. I'm not defending verbal abuser. You just can't go and say that verbal is worst then physical when it's not. And no I don't have anger problems, im probably the last person to have it as I don't even like getting angry or yelling.

October 16, 2015

thank the you try. And as try stated, I'm just pointing out that to say that one form of abuse is worst then the other would be crazy. I'm not defending verbal abuser. You just can't go and say that verbal is worst then physical when it's not. And no I don't have anger problems, im probably the last person to have it as I don't even like getting angry or yelling.

First of all the word is worse, not worst. Sorry, I'm not usually the grammar police as my own grammar could probably use some improvement.

Secondly I have heard many victims of severe physical abuse state the emotional abuse was the hardest to endure and caused the most damage, so it is not crazy for someone to say that emotional abuse can be worse than physical abuse. Here is a page that does a pretty good job of explaining emotional abuse:

What?s Worse: Physical Scars or Mental Scars? | Domestic Violence Statistics

October 16, 2015

First of all the word is worse, not worst. Sorry, I'm not usually the grammar police as my own grammar could probably use some improvement.

Secondly I have heard many victims of severe physical abuse state the emotional abuse was the hardest to endure and caused the most damage, so it is not crazy for someone to say that emotional abuse can be worse than physical abuse. Here is a page that does a pretty good job of explaining emotional abuse:

What?s Worse: Physical Scars or Mental Scars? | Domestic Violence Statistics

Great study. In it it states that "The research indicates that it is just as bad and, in some cases, may be worse. In a study of children who were exposed to violence in the home, one group of researchers found that the effects psychological abuse had on these children didn’t differ from that of physical abuse." The controlling statements are that "The research indicates that it is just as bad" and "found that the effects psychological abuse had on these children didn’t differ from that of physical abuse" ("in some cases" can be offset by other cases). This tends to support the statement by Itwasntme that "to say that one form of abuse is worst then the other would be crazy".

This study also states that "Another misconception regarding psychological abuse is that it is only perpetuated by men on women. This is perhaps due to the fact that more physical abuse is committed by men. However, mental abuse can be committed by men or women, and is severely damaging in either scenario." This directly shows why it is inappropriate to try to use physical abuse data when discussing emotional abuse.

October 16, 2015

I linked statistics here that showed that basically 90% of all abuse cases are men on women.

You clearly have NO idea what you're talking about when it comes to abuse, so I suggest we just drop the subject.

Below is a link to a study that states that "Another misconception regarding psychological abuse is that it is only perpetuated by men on women. This is perhaps due to the fact that more physical abuse is committed by men. However, mental abuse can be committed by men or women, and is severely damaging in either scenario." This shows why your above attempt to use physical abuse data when directly responding to my emotional abuse statement that "it never occurred to me to consider women to still be that stereotypical emotionally weaker sex from 50 years ago" does not make sense. I throw back at you that your statement that "You clearly have NO idea what you're talking about when it comes to abuse, so I suggest we just drop the subject."

What?s Worse: Physical Scars or Mental Scars? | Domestic Violence Statistics

Edited October 16, 2015 by Try

October 16, 2015

Why are we arguing about abuse and why is man being abused even being brought up? The original poster is not a man.

October 16, 2015

Why are we arguing about abuse and why is man being abused even being brought up? The original poster is not a man.

Because earlier today people were posting things such as the post by you below.

I would suspect that their are certain types of men with a certain level of "strong personality" who do not like the idea of verbal/emotional abuse because they tend to commit it. I have seen men who would swear up and down they never abuse their wives reduce her to a mass of jello with calm spoken words and a "look." They would never consider it abuse because they didn't scream of raise a hand. But trust me; it was abuse....it ripped her to shreds right there for everyone to see.

There seems to be a tendency by some to want to view a female cheater as a victim of their spouse. This tends to allow female cheaters a greater latitude to blame shift some of the the affair onto the betrayed male spouse.

October 17, 2015

First of all the word is worse, not worst. Sorry, I'm not usually the grammar police as my own grammar could probably use some improvement.

Secondly I have heard many victims of severe physical abuse state the emotional abuse was the hardest to endure and caused the most damage, so it is not crazy for someone to say that emotional abuse can be worse than physical abuse. Here is a page that does a pretty good job of explaining emotional abuse:

What?s Worse: Physical Scars or Mental Scars? | Domestic Violence Statistics

ok like you said, you heard that from people who are victims of severe physical abuse. Physical abuse alone already breaks a mans mind and weakens them. So Throwing salt on a wound would probably hurt more.

And how could anything be worse then murder? I'm still waiting for the stats on how many people die from verbal or emotional abuse!

October 17, 2015

I linked statistics here that showed that basically 90% of all abuse cases are men on women.

You clearly have NO idea what you're talking about when it comes to abuse, so I suggest we just drop the subject.

Huffingtonpost is a laughable source. You got to question the credibility of someone who quotes that site a source. I assume you did a simple google search and linked it.

Read this

http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/nisvs_report2010-a.pdf

Page 38. I hope you know how to read these reports.

I really also think the responses from Try and itwasntme are wonderful.Calm and logical responses to emotional posts.

Please read this

Domestic Abuse: 'It is not a women's issue and it is not a men's issue. It's a human problem' - Independent.ie

Domestic abuse. There's no shame in being a male victim. Break your silence." So ran the powerful message on the back of the bus ahead of me in Dublin traffic last week. The campaign is being run by Amen to highlight the problem of men who are victims of domestic abuse and is a first for this country.

Amen is a Navan-based organisation offering support to men who are victims of domestic violence. The present campaign is timely, since up to 2,000 men reported around 8,000 incidents, according to its 2013 report. The domestic abuse of men is crying out for action as it is one of the unspoken problems of our decade in contrast to the abuse of women, which has dominated the national discussion on domestic violence.

A few years ago, there was an influential advertisement with the caption: "It's a crime to beat a woman." It could have added "or a man". Therein was the implication that men did not experience such abuse, that it they did it was unimportant or that they were able to deal with it.

What has become clear from research and from the testimonies of male victims is that men do not disclose the abuse to anybody and that only one-in-20 reports it to the gardai.

A study, now 10 years old, carried out jointly by the National Crime Council and the ESRI reports that one man in 25 has experienced severe physical abuse, one in 90 has experienced sexual abuse in a domestic relationship and one in 37 has experienced severe emotional abuse.

These figures are much lower than current figures from the UK and published recently in the May 2015 issue of BMJ Open. The lead author, Professor Marianne Hester, carried out the study in 16 general practices in the South West of England. From a total sample of over 1,300 men attending the GPs, 162 were victims of domestic violence and a further 117 were both perpetrators and victims.

Considering those who were victims only, the figure is much higher than the reported data from Ireland. This may be because they were a sample attending doctors rather than selected at random from the general population. Examining the type of behaviour, almost 60pc of the UK sample reported feeling frightened of their partner, almost 50pc were physically hurt and 10pc were forced to have sex.

In total, 28pc reported some type of violence/abuse in the previous year and for most, these behaviours had a negative effect on their lives including work, studies and relationship with their children. Symptoms of depression and anxiety were reported by over 65pc. Unlike other studies, particularly from the US, there was no association with alcohol misuse.

It is widely acknowledged that men feel shame that they cannot protect themselves and believe that things will get worse if they try to do anything about the abuse. Many report that false allegations have been made against them and fear losing access to their children. These victims do not conform to the "macho" stereotype and believe they will be seen as weak.

Some may be adverse to reporting violence in the belief that gardai will not treat it seriously or that they will regard him as the aggressors who is simply getting his comeuppance.

A report by Amen on domestic abuse among a sample of 40 men conducted in Co Monaghan in 2000 found that men chose not to leave home because they feared for the safety of their children if they did.

They also reported that there was nowhere for them to go apart from using the generic services for the homeless. There were no dedicated hostels for male victims of domestic abuse and their children similar to those provided by Women's Aid.

Internationally, it is well recognised that male victims may come from educational groups, and in the Monaghan study, 22.5pc had third-level education, 62.5pc secondary and 15pc primary. Data from the US shows that while most domestic violence is perpetrated by men against women (1.2 million in 2011/12), the equivalent figure for men as victims was 800,000.

According to a criminal lawyer Alan Dershowitz writing in a 1994 paper from the University of Iowa, 40pc of spousal murders are perpetrated by women. Other US studies have suggested that men and women are victims of intimate partner violence in equal numbers.

I have dealt professionally with men who were the victims of domestic violence and while the numbers are less than for female victims, the trauma, physical and emotional, is just as real. Whether or not domestic violence is more common among women than men is surely not relevant.

It is not a women's issue and it is not a men's issue. It's a human problem that must be taken seriously since lives are at stake.

People are under-estimating the OP. Look at this line.

I don't think my husband is a bad guy but my family and friends would disagree. He has anger issues and people have said for the past few years that they would leave him simply for the way he can sometimes verbally abuse both my children and myself.

Look at where it is located in her post. 2nd line. She framed it very cleverly. This woman set up a abuse scenario. Even then, she did not outright say it. She said that "people" told her. She is hiding or lying about a big part of her story.

Edited October 17, 2015 by conpron5

October 17, 2015

This is like saying "would you rather die or be slowly tortured?" Neither of the options should have to be options.

Why are you so set on defending verbal abuse? Do you have an anger problem?

You see why some men are responding as such.. How easy was it for you to throw the anger allegation when you felt you were losing the argument ?

An analogy would be similar to asking a female poster if it that time of the month during a debate..It is pretty offensive

October 17, 2015

Verbal abuse is bad. Banging married woman is bad. Which is why I said leave the guy you are with but don't get with the loser you are cheating with.

Otherwise if you don't that is like if you have a tumor and tell your doctor "oh just remove half of it".

October 19, 2015

Abuse is abuse. I personally have no sympathy for abusers and I couldn't care less if OP cheated on his sorry ass or not. Abusers should NEVER be defended, nor should their behavior ever be excused by anyone!

If you've ever been with an abuser, you'd understand the complete and utter devastation they cause - within and without. It's a hydrogen bomb in your life and the after-effects are very, very lasting.

October 19, 2015

Abuse is abuse. I personally have no sympathy for abusers and I couldn't care less if OP cheated on his sorry ass or not. Abusers should NEVER be defended, nor should their behavior ever be excused by anyone!

If you've ever been with an abuser, you'd understand the complete and utter devastation they cause - within and without. It's a hydrogen bomb in your life and the after-effects are very, very lasting.

It sounds like you're giving OP a free pass out what she did. When you say you don't care if she cheated on his sorry ass or not since he's abusive makes it sound like you're saying what she did was ok or doesn't even matter since he's abusive. Like he somehow deserved it.

And everything you said could be applied to cheaters. Cheating can have the same effects as emotional and mental abuse.

October 19, 2015

It sounds like you're giving OP a free pass out what she did. When you say you don't care if she cheated on his sorry ass or not since he's abusive makes it sound like you're saying what she did was ok or doesn't even matter since he's abusive. Like he somehow deserved it.

And everything you said could be applied to cheaters. Cheating can have the same effects as emotional and mental abuse.

Nope, no free pass...but that is EXACTLY what you are doing by continually explaining away his verbal abuse

October 19, 2015

Abuse is abuse. I personally have no sympathy for abusers and I couldn't care less if OP cheated on his sorry ass or not. Abusers should NEVER be defended, nor should their behavior ever be excused by anyone!

If you've ever been with an abuser, you'd understand the complete and utter devastation they cause - within and without. It's a hydrogen bomb in your life and the after-effects are very, very lasting.

Only abusers talk like this. you must be an abuser.

See the problem with this ? Anyone can call anyone an abuser. me calling you one doesn't make you one.

October 19, 2015

You see why some men are responding as such.. How easy was it for you to throw the anger allegation when you felt you were losing the argument ?

An analogy would be similar to asking a female poster if it that time of the month during a debate..It is pretty offensive

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