Torn and don't know . He wants me to leave

October 11, 2015

I don't see the point in keep trying to encourage her, it's clear what's need to be done and that's leave. She already established that her and her husband are no longer in love and she's just afraid to leave out fear of losing her comfortably. So why stay? The longer she stays the more pain and hurt she will cause not only to her husband and kids but to herself and OM. Her telling her husband about the affair is totally up to her, she's the only one who can probably come close to guessing his reaction.

I would recommend you tell but aye it's not my call. Maybe it's because I was raised in a really tough family and I'm a man, that I don't see verbal abuse as that big of a issue definitely to the point to where I could empathize or sympathize with someone cheating. but by all means if you feel like he's a threat to your life or a dangerous man then I would advise not to say anything and just leave. Because I'm not trying to scare you but most mass shooting usually happens to a family where the ex was abusive.

October 11, 2015

She should tell. She certainly shouldn't skip out to go marry the dude she has been cheating with without telling the husband what is up. He might be a verbally abusive d-bag, but he still deserves the truth. I mean after all you can't be that afraid of him if you're willing to bang another dude behind his back so the excuse of being afraid to tell has flown the coop.

So my advice is: divorce your husband. He's verbally abusive and you are selfish and an adulterer, no point to be married. But don't get involved with this OM either. He cheated with you..he will most certainly cheat on you.

I just know that on this board people have a tendency to hone in on the ONE post telling them what they want to hear and ignore everything else. So I just hope that because someone told you they were in a similar situation and everything turned out bunnies and rainbows it doesn't blind you to the reality of the situation.

Edited October 11, 2015 by Spectre

October 11, 2015

Slyn, your statement below is a little bit confusing:

By SLYNN84
I'm a married mother of two. I don't think my husband is a bad guy

He can sometimes verbally abuse both my children and me.

For the most part he's not a bad guy

Belittle us or come home screaming because of his bad day.

He was diagnosed with depression and put on Paxil which he quickly quit taking and regressed back to his usual wall punching, screaming ways

I'm an incredibly realistic person and am content with my life as it is. I'm not happily married by any measure but my husband is an excellent provider and we have a life pretty much anyone could dream of by all outward appearances.

It is confusing because you tell us that your husband is sometimes verbally abuses against both you and your children but then you say “he is not a bad guy” several times and that you are content with your life the way that it is and have a life that anyone could dream of by outward appearances.

How can a person be content with their life if the husband is so terribly abusive?

Are you exaggerating his abuse to justify your desires?

Being diagnosed with depression and taking Paxil does indicate a condition that would cause marital problems. Paxil is prescribed for depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety and PTSD, but I did not see that Paxil is prescribed for anger or violent issues. You have stated that he would not harm you or your children.

So far it seems to me that you do have a husband that sometimes is verbally abusive but that you are wanting this OM mostly because of your feelings and not because you are in danger with your husband. Is that correct?

You obviously think that this OM would make you happy. Frankly I do not think that he will make you happy because you are already full of hate and disgust for yourself. The hate and disgust that you have for yourself are directly related to your cheating on your husband and children. No man can solve that for you have to solve that yourself.

If you have made up your mind that your husband is not worth staying married to and that your children will be better off then divorce him and work on yourself until you get to the point that you have a much better self-respect. Then you will be able to love someone else without having so much baggage. Your boyfriend will just have to understand. By the way, your boyfriend is not a great man as he knew that he was breaking up family that had innocent children. He was looking out for himself more than he was your family that is for sure. I am sure that he can make you feel good and be your knight in shining armor for now but when you look at his action then his integrity and concern for your children leave a LOT to be desired.

Your boyfriend cares more about himself than he does the fact that he is trying to take your children’s father away from them for at least 50% of their life.

October 11, 2015

All things taken into account, I don't think the OM is a bad person. He broke off his engagement and has made sacrifices for you. Many a man wouldn't do that if they didn't love you so much.

By tolerating verbal abuse from your husband, you put you and your kids at risk. You need to show them it's unacceptable.

Make a plan. Like divorce......be alone....then consider a permanent non secretive relationship with the OM.

If your H sees that you go straight to another man post divorce, he'll suspect and get nasty.

October 11, 2015

OP. It's quite clear that you are not going to get the kind of guidance and counsel you clearly need in terms of living in an abusive marriage. Seek help in a professional environment, not an open forum where it is clear that some people cannot separate an orange from an apple.

A "great" man is not someone who works 50 hours a week, never sleeps with his wife, stops taken prescribed medication to control his behaviour and verbally abuses his kids. At best, perhaps, we can call him driven.

But a great man has his priorities straight, knows what is right from wrong, and puts family and their safety before everything else. This is because he chose to marry and have a family. If he no longer wishes to participate in that family, he should leave. If you no longer wish to form this family, you should leave.

You need to do something about your life. You do not control your husband's, you do not control your AP. You cannot make either of these two happy. You must make yourself happy, and your kids.

Do something. What people are saying here about infidelity is one thing, what they are saying about what an "amazing" husband you have is altogether another. Don't bring the two together thinking A can solve B.

October 11, 2015

You've made a lot of unsavory choices in recent years out of indecision and just letting things happen TO you. You feel "torn" by all the different interests and decisions right now.

I think you need to fix you and you need to do it for the sake of your children. They will put two and two together at some point in their lives. What will they do with that sum? How will they judge your actions as adults? What kind of adults will they become? Are the role models in their lives providing security and consistency in the values they exemplify?

I think you need to make a decision what to do based on fixing the damage that's been done to them. If you want them to be human beings with personal integrity, who honor truth and show love, respect and loyalty by being honest themselves, then you need to model those values in all things small and big. Then, some day, when you feel you have mostly succeeded in correcting what is completely messed up for them right now, you can consider apologizing without burdening them with the unsavory details.

btw - I agree that introducing them to your lover's family and cavorting with him and them together as if you were already a legitimate unit will be one of the things you can apologize for later. They only have one father and your job will always be to help them deal with the truth of his inconsistencies as well. They will always need his love and approval no matter how great of a stepdad they have.

If you make a decision with the goal of living an honest life that requires no lying or pretending to anyone about anything, you are on the way to being the mother they deserve. You will stand a little taller every day, feel a little less torn and will find peace and satisfaction in yourself and your life eventually. The bonus will come when they grow up and do the addition.

My two cents.

Edited October 11, 2015 by merrmeade

October 11, 2015

I don't see verbal abuse as that big of a issue

This is sad and a problem

OP, the abuse and the affair ARE two separate issues. Women live with abuse everyday without resorting to cheating. So that doesn't justify your choice.

However, your A doesn't retroactively excuse abuse either.

I would go ahead and separate. Except for the control factor, it has been my experience that any man who is going to abuse a woman doesn't much care if she leaves anyway....except for the loss of control. And now that you have chosen to cheat, your chances of ever having a healthy marriage are nil, because a man who abuses is not capable of getting through recovery anyway, except, again, to use your choices as a means of control.

You made a very poor choice, and given your husband's personality, I do not think there will be any coming back from it.

I would say get into IC and really work on yourself before committing to someone else.

October 11, 2015

Marriage is between two people, your word is what marries you, the written licence is just the public record of the event. You brought another man into your marriage, you broke your word of promise to your husband and even went as far as involving your children. How do you think your children will receive O/M when they learn the truth? How will O/M's family receive you when they learn the truth that all you are is a married woman who is cheating on her husband? Your perhaps a very good mother but your also a lying cheater of a wife.

If I worked my a$$ of to keep my stay at home wife in the lifestyle she enjoys which is to stay at home I too would be put off by her lack of affection. I would be wondering what is really going on and if perhaps there was another man. All of us betrayed men on L/S know what your husband is going through and I think your selfish days are numbered. You need to be honest with everyone, you need to start looking for a job because your stay at home days are close to being over. You need to protect your children rather then involving them in your infidelity. You need to wake up fast if your going to survive this mess you created. Get counselling.

Edited October 11, 2015 by aliveagain

October 11, 2015

This made me cry. These are things he and I talk about. Things he wants, things I want. My husband and I have talked about divorcing for almost six months now and I know my parents keep waiting for me to say I'm moving in with them with the kids because everyone is aware of the problems. I should have left several years ago but kept thinking it would get better. He'd grow out of this phase or that phase and he just never has. His own parents have told him several times that he's going to come home one day with a note on the counter and an empty house because of how he treats us. Not just us but his employees and everyone around him. The other guy isn't some bad person. I know to the outsider he's a monster for getting involved with a married woman but he is just like your now husband, wants to marry me and have a life with me. I feel weak because I can't pull the trigger one way or another and it's so selfish.

I thought myself in circles. Overthinking breeds fear. You have to stop analyzing and what if-ing and maybe-ing and just take action. Once you put a foot on the road it'll be easier to start walking.

If I were you, I'd go to the parents and decide what to do from there. Whatever happens between you and the OM, it's pretty clear that you need to leave.

If your OM is legit and means what he says, he'll be there if you let him. If he's not, then you can stand on your own.

My now DH and I were open about our relationship, so I got a lot of unsolicited advice from friends and family on both sides.

My dad said that DH wouldn't stick around and that he wouldn't take care of me and the kids like he said he would. That it was just pillow talk and I should know better than to take it seriously.

His aunt said I'd never leave my H and I'd break his heart.

My friends said no 24 year old educated man from an affluent area was ever going to move to the hood and marry some chick with 2 young kids and a GED.

His friends said that I was probably lying about my H and disaster of a marriage, that I was probably still sleeping with H, and that I was just a player. Oh, and 2 of them were convinced I was a gold digger looking to trade up. Which is funny. DH's family has money. DH did not. Big difference! When we moved in together I was SAHM and he worked in a warehouse. The budget was so tight, I squeezed dollars so hard George cried. Yup, totally gold diggin. That one became a running joke that still goes on today between me, DH, and those 2 friends.

And, of course, I was told that he was a bad guy for being willing to be with a married woman. I also heard a lot of "If he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you." He heard the same about me. I guess we were just too in love and too stubborn to listen.

We decided to tell the truth and shame the devil. We never hid our relationship and met each others family when I was still legally married and waiting to file for divorce. I've never had any problems with his family and he's never had any with mine. I think a lot of our lack of drama in that department was due to the fact that we didn't try to hide anything. We were open about me being in an abusive marriage with a man I did not love, that we met and fell in love, that I left my H for him, and we were going to be married as soon as I got divorced. No asking permission, no asking for blessing. Just this is how it is, deal with it. By putting the situation out in the open, we gave the gossips nothing to really chew on.

Edited October 11, 2015 by MJJean

October 11, 2015

OP. It's quite clear that you are not going to get the kind of guidance and counsel you clearly need in terms of living in an abusive marriage. Seek help in a professional environment, not an open forum where it is clear that some people cannot separate an orange from an apple.

A "great" man is not someone who works 50 hours a week, never sleeps with his wife, stops taken prescribed medication to control his behaviour and verbally abuses his kids. At best, perhaps, we can call him driven.

But a great man has his priorities straight, knows what is right from wrong, and puts family and their safety before everything else. This is because he chose to marry and have a family. If he no longer wishes to participate in that family, he should leave. If you no longer wish to form this family, you should leave.

You need to do something about your life. You do not control your husband's, you do not control your AP. You cannot make either of these two happy. You must make yourself happy, and your kids.

Do something. What people are saying here about infidelity is one thing, what they are saying about what an "amazing" husband you have is altogether another. Don't bring the two together thinking A can solve B.

idk I feel as if you're shifting this on the husband too much and making him into the bad guy because of the verbal abuse. Yeah he's verbally abusive which he needs to go get help for, but take that away and what do you have left? A man who puts his life into his work so his family won't go without a need or want. Working so his SAHW doesn't have too, which she is totally alright with that part. She didn't say he didn't want to sleep with her, but that she didn't want to sleep with him since she's longer attracted to him and doesn't want to sleep with two guys at the same time.

In the average man life sacrifices has to be made. You don't think he would like to have bill gates type money and just sit around his house all day or do something else besides working. Now I bet if he wasn't properly providing for his family and they were struggling to make ends people would have some bad to say about that. She apparently must not really care if he worked a lot or not because 1. She said she didn't mind and 2. Could she not have gotten a job and taking some of the load off of him?

So see what I'm saying, the way you present some can make anybody look bad or worse then they probably are. Like what if I said a good women wouldn't be cheating, would be working to help take some of the stress off her husband, wouldn't only be staying married to her husband since he's her bank, wouldn't take their kids around the man she's cheating with like that's ok, and wouldn't be chilling with AP family going on vacation with them like her and her husband are no longer together.

I'm sorry to the OP if I offended you. I'm not trying to directly attack you but more stand up for the BH. I know how It feels to be betrayed so when people starts crucifying the BS I want to defend them more.

October 11, 2015

Actually you really missed the point of my post. I said DON'T combine the issues. If he is working his ass off fine. What he does at home is abuse kids. So, yeah I kind of do blame him for that. He did get help for it but won't take the medication, so I blame him for that.

idk I feel as if you're shifting this on the husband too much and making him into the bad guy because of the verbal abuse. Yeah he's verbally abusive which he needs to go get help for, but take that away and what do you have left? A man who puts his life into his work so his family won't go without a need or want. Working so his SAHW doesn't have too, which she is totally alright with that part. She didn't say he didn't want to sleep with her, but that she didn't want to sleep with him since she's longer attracted to him and doesn't want to sleep with two guys at the same time.

In the average man life sacrifices has to be made. You don't think he would like to have bill gates type money and just sit around his house all day or do something else besides working. Now I bet if he wasn't properly providing for his family and they were struggling to make ends people would have some bad to say about that. She apparently must not really care if he worked a lot or not because 1. She said she didn't mind and 2. Could she not have gotten a job and taking some of the load off of him?

So see what I'm saying, the way you present some can make anybody look bad or worse then they probably are. Like what if I said a good women wouldn't be cheating, would be working to help take some of the stress off her husband, wouldn't only be staying married to her husband since he's her bank, wouldn't take their kids around the man she's cheating with like that's ok, and wouldn't be chilling with AP family going on vacation with them like her and her husband are no longer together.

I'm sorry to the OP if I offended you. I'm not trying to directly attack you but more stand up for the BH. I know how It feels to be betrayed so when people starts crucifying the BS I want to defend them more.

October 11, 2015

Actually you really missed the point of my post. I said DON'T combine the issues. If he is working his ass off fine. What he does at home is abuse kids. So, yeah I kind of do blame him for that. He did get help for it but won't take the medication, so I blame him for that.

Exactly

Verbal abuse doesn't justify cheating

But cheating doesn't retroactively justify verbal abuse either.

October 11, 2015

Actually you really missed the point of my post. I said DON'T combine the issues. If he is working his ass off fine. What he does at home is abuse kids. So, yeah I kind of do blame him for that. He did get help for it but won't take the medication, so I blame him for that.

Ok and my point is you can't say he isn't a good husband or dad off that info. Yeah the abuse part is his fault that he needs to work on. But that fact aside what tells you he isn't putting his family first and isn't a good husband? unlike physical abuse which is some definite, verbal abuse is some broad and hard to define since it varies from people to people and situations to situations.

October 11, 2015

Ok and my point is you can't say he isn't a good husband or dad off that info. Yeah the abuse part is his fault that he needs to work on. But that fact aside what tells you he isn't putting his family first and isn't a good husband? unlike physical abuse which is some definite, verbal abuse is some broad and hard to define since it varies from people to people and situations to situations.

Actually, to most people who do not commit it, it is pretty easy to define: angry namecalling, screaming and shouting, intimidating, belittling, etc.

If the affair wasn't on the table I assume you would not be defending this. And like I said: Verbal abuse doesn't justify cheating, but neither does cheating justify verbal abuse.

October 11, 2015

I thought myself in circles. Overthinking breeds fear. You have to stop analyzing and what if-ing and maybe-ing and just take action. Once you put a foot on the road it'll be easier to start walking.

If I were you, I'd go to the parents and decide what to do from there. Whatever happens between you and the OM, it's pretty clear that you need to leave.

If your OM is legit and means what he says, he'll be there if you let him. If he's not, then you can stand on your own.

My now DH and I were open about our relationship, so I got a lot of unsolicited advice from friends and family on both sides.

My dad said that DH wouldn't stick around and that he wouldn't take care of me and the kids like he said he would. That it was just pillow talk and I should know better than to take it seriously.

His aunt said I'd never leave my H and I'd break his heart.

My friends said no 24 year old educated man from an affluent area was ever going to move to the hood and marry some chick with 2 young kids and a GED.

His friends said that I was probably lying about my H and disaster of a marriage, that I was probably still sleeping with H, and that I was just a player. Oh, and 2 of them were convinced I was a gold digger looking to trade up. Which is funny. DH's family has money. DH did not. Big difference! When we moved in together I was SAHM and he worked in a warehouse. The budget was so tight, I squeezed dollars so hard George cried. Yup, totally gold diggin. That one became a running joke that still goes on today between me, DH, and those 2 friends.

And, of course, I was told that he was a bad guy for being willing to be with a married woman. I also heard a lot of "If he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you." He heard the same about me. I guess we were just too in love and too stubborn to listen.

We decided to tell the truth and shame the devil. We never hid our relationship and met each others family when I was still legally married and waiting to file for divorce. I've never had any problems with his family and he's never had any with mine. I think a lot of our lack of drama in that department was due to the fact that we didn't try to hide anything. We were open about me being in an abusive marriage with a man I did not love, that we met and fell in love, that I left my H for him, and we were going to be married as soon as I got divorced. No asking permission, no asking for blessing. Just this is how it is, deal with it. By putting the situation out in the open, we gave the gossips nothing to really chew on.

In my mind at least, regardless of legal definitions, being separated and in another relationship before the paperwork is finished is completely different than an affair. One is just not waiting for the law to catch up to the situation, and the other is a form of abuse.

And while its very possible shes in denial, the fact that she says things are otherwise great makes me question how abusive he actually is. Rewriting happens in affair fogs.

Regardless, she needs to leave him. She thinks hes abusive, she doesn't love him and is mistreating him herself. Hopefully things with the other man can work out, it does happen sometimes. I hope the children come out the whole situation okay.

October 12, 2015

Ok and my point is you can't say he isn't a good husband or dad off that info. Yeah the abuse part is his fault that he needs to work on. But that fact aside what tells you he isn't putting his family first and isn't a good husband? unlike physical abuse which is some definite, verbal abuse is some broad and hard to define since it varies from people to people and situations to situations.

Actually I think I can: by all counts he is a horrible husband. (And she obviously is being a horrible wife). A MAN can no longer hide behind a concept of "provider" as his trump card in being a father.

Let me put it to you another way, because we don't know about the conditions of this case.

A man can work 50 hours a week in a top notch law firm. But when he then marries and has a SAHM he cannot come back beating the drums of sacrifice. What he decided to do as his own man does not make him a great HUSBAND or remotely a great FATHER.

He and his WW have been discussing divorce for way too long for this marriage to have a future, based on the absent husband, the need for medication not to abuse his kids and the negligible physical and emotional desires they have for each other.

What they should both do is agree to part ways. its not a TV movie of the week, it's just the way life is.

October 12, 2015

Actually I think I can: by all counts he is a horrible husband. (And she obviously is being a horrible wife). A MAN can no longer hide behind a concept of "provider" as his trump card in being a father.

Let me put it to you another way, because we don't know about the conditions of this case.

A man can work 50 hours a week in a top notch law firm. But when he then marries and has a SAHM he cannot come back beating the drums of sacrifice. What he decided to do as his own man does not make him a great HUSBAND or remotely a great FATHER.

He and his WW have been discussing divorce for way too long for this marriage to have a future, based on the absent husband, the need for medication not to abuse his kids and the negligible physical and emotional desires they have for each other.

What they should both do is agree to part ways. its not a TV movie of the week, it's just the way life is.

Have to agree with the premise(s) and examples if in a different order: (1) We don't know enough about some of the specifics being argued. (2) Being a great provider doesn't excuse a parent from parenting. (3) They've been teetering on the edge of splitting up so long it's probably too late to shift the balance back the other direction.

But to reinforce #2 - Where's the logic with excusing BH's negativity and abuse because of his ability to produce income? And we mustn't forget that it was WW who first called BH's dedication to work a 'sacrifice.'

For sure, we're looking at dysfunction, but maybe the variable is WW's perception. I mean, only BH really gets to say how much of a 'sacrifice' it is for him. And what's the 'sacrifice' anyway? Being nice? Calling it a sacrifice implies he'd be different if he didn't 'have to' work so hard. WW excuses him because of the work - and the lifestyle she gets, perhaps?

I never bought this 'sacrifice' bullsh't from my H as an excuse for not helping with parenting either. I was a teacher in my kids' school and saw other fathers (and mothers) - from executives to service workers - making 'sacrifices' to attend their kids' conferences, sports events or performances and felt the attentive concern (or not) in their faces and questions. They simply reorganized their days and work priorities, showed up and (I hope) didn't think of it as a 'sacrifice.'

Isn't it simply a personal responsibility for modern, educated parents to figure out how to balance work and family? Parents are SUPPOSED to provide AND be loving, supportive members of their family units. Why does this one get a pass, and why does she have to give it to him?

Anyway, by that logic, WW's performance as a SAHM could be seen as mitigating some of her infidelity. Well, depending on how much the affair counts.

October 13, 2015

We have discussed trust issues and are both totally open to open access to everything but I truthfully trust him implicitly. The thing is this stigma behind leaving one person for another and my giving up my life that I'm so comfortable in and having to start over. I don't know what to do.

How about you divorce your husband. Regardless if your OM is waiting for you or not, starting a new life ON your own in a healthy atmosphere will be better for you and your kids. You say (unless you're re writing history to justify your affair) your H is abusive - Then leave! Your kids shouldn't be abused, you shouldn't be abused.

October 13, 2015

My husband and I have talked about divorcing for almost six months now

So it's not like you're pulling the rug out from under him. He KNOWS you're unhappy. Just move out. Good grief.

But make no mistake: If he will cheat WITH you, he will cheat ON you.

If you REALLY want to do the right thing, and finally find some integrity in all this, you will move to your mom's house and BE ALONE for AT LEAST the next year.

If this oh so wonderful man REALLY loves you, he will treat you with respect and dignity and LEAVE YOU ALONE for the next year.

What, wait? He can't? He loves you too much?

Quelle surprise.

Edited October 13, 2015 by turnera

October 13, 2015

Quote - "For the most part he's not a bad guy, but people have witnessed these things and it makes me wonder if perhaps I've been wearing rose colored glasses for the past thirteen years we've been together (high school sweethearts)."

I've been with my H for all of my adult life too. Of course he's got many good qualities or you wouldn't of dated & married him. Do you keep saying "He's not a bad guy" because that's become your mantra when defending him to family & friends?

I know you share a lot of history with him. Does the abuse have you walking on egg shells? Keeping your head down & not defending yourself or your kids? If so this has changed you little by little over the years. I know what it's like trying to gloss over mistreatment. I've lost so much of myself. Please don't let FEAR guide you. The unknown can be a a terrifying thing.

When I know that I'm not strong enough to do something for myself I look at my baby daughter. What life do I want for her? What advise would I give her if she were in my situation? You're not choosing between 2 men or 2 lifestyles. You are choosing what's right for you & your kids.

What will you say when your daughter asks you why you let Daddy treat her like that? It must of been bad for your family to tell you to leave & come home!! How will you feel when she marries an abusive man because she doesn't know any better?

It doesn't matter if the OM will be there for you or not. It's about you & yours. Be brave. Do what you should of done a long time ago. Ok you did it in a crappy way. You should of left BEFORE you became involved with another man. Analyze why you did that later.

I know it's not that bad at home because he's hardly ever there! You're already living like a single Mum. At least at your parents you won't have that sinking feeling in your tummy when you hear the front door close hard & know he's in a foul mood.

I don't think this is 'affair fog'. She's defending her H like she's had a lot of practice!!

October 13, 2015

It is common that the betrayed spouses problems could get worse with an affair going on in the background. You and your family see your husband acting out in his worst way, so you say "there he goes again!". He may be in denial, but his insides probably knows what is going on so anger comes out. The guy hasn't been laid in a long long time while his wife's pussy is having her fill regularly. I'm thinking one could understand some of this anger, though as you say his anger does get misdirected.

Now if all was well for your husband, he was getting laid and he had a wife that actually loved him, I'm thinking there wouldn't be as much of this anger.

To answer your question. You should go and let your husband heal and find a wife that would appreciate being provided for. There are aplenty out there. He would certainly get laid more often.

In the mean time, when your family or whoever sees your husband acting out, stick up for him by letting everyone know that you are having nude snuggles with another man behind your husbands back. I think they will then better understand your husbands anger.

October 13, 2015

In the mean time, when your family or whoever sees your husband acting out, stick up for him by letting everyone know that you are having nude snuggles with another man behind your husbands back. I think they will then better understand your husbands anger.

I get YOUR anger; however, also try to remember that her husband's anger started before they were even married, and not just because of this OM. She was providing all the stuff you suggest she's withholding, for their entire marriage, as far as I can tell, and it didn't affect his anger one bit.

She does need to leave him and maybe THEN he'll be willing to look at his part in the downfall of their marriage.

She should not leave him just to run into the arms of her AP; as that makes her no better than her husband.

October 13, 2015

Actually, to most people who do not commit it, it is pretty easy to define: angry namecalling, screaming and shouting, intimidating, belittling, etc.

If the affair wasn't on the table I assume you would not be defending this. And like I said: Verbal abuse doesn't justify cheating, but neither does cheating justify verbal abuse.

I meant with that it changes from person to person. Like yeah yelling to some would be seen as verbal abuse but in some relationships that's the norm. Alot might see that as a bad relationship but for some that's just the way they talk to other. Verbal abuse changes with how much a person can take .

And no I would of defend him even without the affair. For 1. Like you said neither have to do anything with the other. He was verbally abusive before the affair and she would of more then likely cheated even if he was the perfect husband. 2. He sounds like my dad. A man who worked all the time and to some would be called verbally abusive. But outside of that he was a great dad who made sure his kids never went without. As for a husband he was a terrible one but not because the verbal abuse or that he was never around. He was just a serial cheater.

October 13, 2015

How can you be a great dad when you're never around?

October 13, 2015

How can you be a great dad when you're never around?

Easy he did what he was suppose to and provided. I much rather had my dad working so we could have our needs. What could he have done if he was always around but we never had money? People are always going off that age old idea money can't buy happiness well you won't have happiness without money either. It's not a great feeling you and all your siblings sitting in a hit house with no lights or water because your dad lost his job. You can't be happy then

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Torn and don't know . He wants me to leave

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