Torn and don't know . He wants me to leave

October 10, 2015

If you no longer love your husband. Then its time you must leave.

If you do so leave dont make it anymore painful for the person you used to love. that is your husband.

settle for 50/50 child custody and take no alimony. make you divorce less painful for both parties.

Let it be a "Clean Break".

Know this that your attorney or lawyer, may say otherwise. and make cases for you to gain more assets. please say no to that and stay on course for a clean break.

Don't add Insult to Injury by asking for Alimony!

Worst case don't ask for alimony then telling him of your affair. That would be rubbing salt into his wounds!

Clean break, Respect the man you once loved and left. That is all I can say.

Edited October 10, 2015 by m.snow

October 10, 2015

It's going to be really hard but you're going to need to separate the issues and look at them objectively. First of all, is your husband really verbally abusive? If so, this has nothing to do with your affair. This is just plain bad. However I find it surprising that this has never bothered you, or caught your attention until others pointed it out. If you're content in your marriage, then I think it would be a huge mistake to walk away from it. If you're unhappy and your husband is abusive to you and the kids, then you should leave and find a new place to live. This, however, does not mean that the OM should move in with you. That would be another huge mistake.

The other issue you have is the OM. First of all, you made a really bad mistake when you involved your kids in that situation. Not trying to be mean but I can't imagine what you were thinking when you did that. The other problem you have is that OM has put you in a position where you will feel guilty if you don't leave your husband for him because he has given up everything for you.

Think about your life if you stay or if you leave. But no matter what you do, don't ever make the mistake of laying your future in the hands of another man. Make sure that you can survive and thrive on your own. No matter how great this love is that you have, we all know that things can fall apart. Ask yourself where you would be then. If you don't like the answer to that, then I'd recommend treading very carefully.

I knew as a teen my husband had issues. I almost left him when our first born was a baby because his rage issue were out of hand and he was diagnosed with depression and put on Paxil which he quickly quit taking and regressed back to his usual wall punching, screaming ways. There's been several times where I should have left but after years of staying it became the norm and two kids later I was totally dependent on him and wanted the kids to have married parents despite my being alone and unhappy. I am, and have been, highly objective to the point of almost making pros and cons lists for either staying or leaving. And you're totally correct that it's wrong to invest your future in someone when it couldn't work anyway. And despite the OM promising that he'd never let us fail, etc. this is real life and every relationship has issues. I can't keep asking him to reassure me because I would never believe it. This whole thing has been a huge self discovery journey and I can honestly say I sometimes look in the mirror and hate who I see. I've told so many lies and I feel selfish and disgusted with myself for what I've done to both men. My husband may have some issues but I should have left a long time ago before taking this route. I don't need anyone to demonize my actions because I have done that enough. I think as much as I truly do love this other man, I mean really I love him, that he deserves better. I should let him go and let him find someone else who won't hurt him and string him along like I am. And even if I did choose him, our relationship would, I feel, be tainted with these lies it was built on.

October 10, 2015

The relationship with the OM will only be tainted if you let it. I know a lot of people will disagree with me on this but I personally think that once someone becomes abusive, it's all bets off and they deserve whatever they get. So, I have no sad feelings for your husband. I'd recommend that you never, ever tell him about the affair. Hopefully your kids will never say anything, either. However, please don't coach them on this issue. If they happen to say something to your husband, then downplay it and don't act even slightly guilty. Abusers are very, very possessive and they are capable of doing anything. So don't ever underestimate him.

What will happen if you leave him, or ask him to leave? Will you be able to take care of yourself? This is a situation that you need to get out of but please don't be rash about it. Get professional advice before doing anything. Just be aware that a lot of therapists don't understand abuse. Make sure you find someone who does.

I wouldn't give up on the situation with the OM yet. He loves you and obviously sees the good in you. You're not a horrible human being for reaching out to someone who showed you love and affection. So don't let others' judgment of you affect you. I would always tell people that if they thought my exes were so great, they were welcome to them. I know why I left the relationships that I left. I know I had good reason, and I know that I gave them a chance to make it right. So I don't give a fig about what people say about me because I know why I did what I did and no one gets to tell me that I'm supposed to stay with an abuser, or a manipulator, or with any man who makes me unhappy.

But you and the OM cannot consummate your relationship as soon as you leave your husband. You're going to need to let things cool off and then start dating one another. Just don't be in a hurry and get things worked out in your home at this time. One step at a time, right?

Edited October 10, 2015 by bathtub-row

October 10, 2015

Back to the other man...we met about a year and half ago. We were friends but I have always wanted more. However being married and he engaged, was not going to act on it. After about 6 months of platonic friendship we both kind of confessed to the feelings there. and that's when the affair started.

Since you "always wanted more", it was never truly a "platonic friendship". This lie was the first act of betrayal.

We haven't even had sex since I began the affair because I have zero attraction to him and just couldn't sleep with the two of them at the same time.

So the minute that you began the affair, you decided to remain monogamous, just not with your husband. That is just so wrong.

he's so good to me and just a really good man. He never wanted to propose to his ex but felt he owed it to her and this has been confirmed by his family and friends (who don't know I am married) but think I'm separated.

Your affair partner is not a good man if he dates a married woman, and lies to his family by letting them think that you are separated from your husband when you are not. As much as you have your children fooled that this guy is just a nice guy, when they get older they will see him as the man that broke up their family.

Your husband is a hard working man that has been a good provider to his family. The only complaints that you have is that he is never home because he works so hard, and you using the verbal abuse line that most cheaters use to rationalize their cheating; this is called reinventing the marital history (right our of the cheaters handbook). Nothing that anyone says on this site will change who you are. I will stop here so that I do not get banned.

Edited October 10, 2015 by Try

October 10, 2015

Leave your betrayed husband immediately.

Stop using your betrayed husband in the most incredibly selfish ways.

Leaving your betrayed husband now will cause a MAJOR blow up because he WILL find out the truth and he will be FURIOUS beyond anything you've ever seen. You have used, abused and insulted him in the most disgusting manner. It's incredulous to see part of your thinking in how you JUSTIFY your affair. There is none. No justification for an affair. Ever. But you've done more than the hat trick, holidayed with your CHILDREN???? With your lover??? Do you see how twisted that is as a MOTHER???

Leave immediately. You are causing psychological damage to your betrayed husband and children and you are in an Affair fog so thick you can't even SEE the harm you're doing. Leave.

No wonder your BH is losing his temper, he probably has no idea WHY you won't be intimate with him! A man NOT being able to be intimate with his wife because she's having an Affair? Come on. Tell your friends why.

You are gonna lose big time here and the longer you carry on this charade the more you stand to lose.

You'll need a VERY good lawyer. And hope your BH is NOT as smart as me. A psychologist will attend Court our child access hearing with reports about how this behaviour HARMS children. WH here will be lucky to get 2 hours supervised access per week. And NO I'm not "taking the kids away from their unfaithful parent". The children only want 2 hours access. The truth is out to them here. WH is SHOCKED they want so little to do with him. Why? Affair fog. They don't TRUST him.

Quickly take that change in lifestyle. You may have to work full-time after D. Hopefully you'll be around ENOUGH for your AP to not feel neglected. He's a cheater too you see and will justify HIS actions.

But I sincerely do hope you CAN see the look of disbelief and horror on your BH face and act respectfully. You haven't behaved that way so far. That you don't relish in his pain of losing the wife and children he worked so hard for. For years.

You need to leave your BH for him to find the love of a GOOD woman. I bet it won't take him long to get the relationship he's begged you for. Relieve his frustration. You can't keep doing this awful thing to him.

And as you seem to think you have TRUST with your lover. Give him your user name here and let him know about all the reasons why you stay in your marriage. Trust? Doubt it.

Do the right thing for your BH. And your children. Leave.

Lion Heart.

October 10, 2015

Insight. Advice. I'm torn between the head and the heart. Do I leave or do I stay.

Well, while you believe you are torn, your actions speak otherwise.

As Michelle Langley points out, when you think you have a decision to make, and can't make it, look at how your behaviours are already two steps ahead of you.

Leave your husband. Go find out what life will be like with another man. You said you would have done this at 17, so do it now. Even at 17 you could not predict the future.

Leave because you are already 99% out the door.

October 10, 2015

Slynn84: you are in an affair fog denial. you are looking for all the excuses in the world to justify it. instead of standing up to fix your marriage problems, which are by the way very fixable, you chose the "easy" path of an Affair with a guy who again you went out of your way to justify his cheating on his fiance and made sure none of his family and friends know that you are cheating too. I don't have to remind you that what you are doing is wrong because I'm pretty sure you know it. let's get you some other facts;

1- unless you stop your affair you won't be able to make a rational decision regardless of what you want to do.

2- your family owes you at least to try to fix the damaged marriage before running away and if you don't do that you will be blamed for the break up.

3- grass always looks greener on the other side

4- your affair will be exposed eventually, as a matter of fact I find it hard to believe that your H hadn't suspected anything yet, 6 months without sex because you are not attracted to him and you do not want to sleep with 2 different men!!!! and your kids see the OM all the time, I'm pretty sure he knows something or at least about to.

I know it's hard but if you are asking for an honest advice, you really should end the affair today, ask your OM to give you a break to find out what you need to do. talk to your H about your problems and see if you can work on them maybe a joint MC, if you can't get him to cooperate or couldn't fix the marriage after trying, then you do it the right way , in this case you would have earned the right to walk away and be with whomever you want to be

October 10, 2015

Based on what you've posted, you've been married to an excellent provider that has afforded you a very nice lifestyle, although he's verbally abusive and has anger issues.

Because you're dependent on him and don't want to give up your nice lifestyle, you're torn as to whether you should leave him and go with your single guy, or stay for the financial benefits.

I'm assuming the OM can't provide the same standard of living your husband does, and that's why you've stayed with your husband thus far -although you've stopped being intimate with him at this point.

As the others have said, if your husband really IS angry and abusive a lot of the time, you have NO idea how he'd react should he find out you've basically been treating him like an ATM while cheating on him. People with anger issues have very short fuses to begin with; throw something like THIS onto the fire, and you have no idea how far he'll take that anger. that's a serious risk you're taking.

October 10, 2015

Oh and when you end it with the OM, you need to end it for good. Not stick around and try to be his "friend" or continue to cake eat and have both by just reducing your efforts. You need to end it ALL for good and go complete NC.

October 10, 2015

Think about your life if you stay or if you leave. But no matter what you do, don't ever make the mistake of laying your future in the hands of another man. Make sure that you can survive and thrive on your own.

As someone who used to be dependent on a man, this is excellent advice. Please take heed. It's ok to fully want a man and even need him to certain degree, but to need him to the point that you may find yourself otherwise trapped really taints things.

October 10, 2015

Does it really matter if she's in an "affair fog" or not?? Her husband is abusive. Did everyone just skim over the little detail? He puts holes in walls, i.e., he intimidates her with the threat of violence. And it would not surprise me if there's a LOT she's not telling us, like he has hit her. Even her family points out his anger issues.

OP, one step at a time -- figure out how to extract yourself from your ridiculous marriage. Then deal with all the other stuff. Please ignore the harsh words you're reading. People mean well but it seems they think it's better to stay with an abuser than anything else. Once a person has an affair, people seem to forget all else and harp on that until the cows come home. Affairs happen. It doesn't make you a monster. Please try to keep this stuff in perspective. And, above all, protect yourself and your children.

Edited October 10, 2015 by bathtub-row

October 10, 2015

Yeah I don't think it's cool to be punching walls and raging all the time. Why does he think that's okay? Oh I know why, because he thinks you'll never leave him for it.

October 10, 2015

Leave your husband. There is no love and he abuses you. No sex in a year? He's either having an affair himself, he's not in love with you anymore or simply can't be bothered.

The other guy sounds lovely and he's prepared to take you on with the kids. If you dither...He'll eventually get fed up and dump you....then you'll be devastated and regret it.

October 10, 2015

What reason do you give your husband for no longer having sex with him? Seems to me an abusive man wouldn't be very accepting of being denied sex by his wife for an entire year. How did you manage to pull that off?

October 10, 2015

What reason do you give your husband for no longer having sex with him? Seems to me an abusive man wouldn't be very accepting of being denied sex by his wife for an entire year. How did you manage to pull that off?

She said he's never home. Maybe he's in the military and deployed most of the time? Or, maybe he just doesn't want to have sex either. I don't know.

October 10, 2015

I am not justifying my behavior by pinning blame on my husband for his anger issues. He didn't chose to have an affair, I did. He's not to blame for what I'm doing and I sincerely hope no one thinks that. I'm fully aware And take full accountability. My family wants me to leave my husband after witnessing (for a countless time) him screaming at my daughter. I feel like I'm being pushed to leave. I almost feel like I need to end it with both of them. I need to cut ties with the other man until I can work through whatever choice I make. I've seen this "affair fog" referenced several times and I whole heartedly agree. The more time I'm away from him, the more wrongdoing I see. My children haven't seen him in months. That I did eliminate when realized how serious this whole thing had gotten, and they never saw us touch or anything inappropriate. I've pushed back from him a lot over the past few months and even back in June contemplating ending it out of guilt and remorse and he always finds a way to convince me to stay! If I stayed with my husband he would have to go to therapy. And my family right now is so concerned with our safety but I don't think he'd ever physically harm us. That's another sad part is I feel trapped with him because if he had some custody of the kids I would be worried sick that he would hurt them with his behavior.

October 10, 2015

Well, some men just love to be a White Knight to a woman being abused by another man. Nothing turns them on more.

October 10, 2015

Folks, it appears one of our newer moderators correctly merged two threads on a similar topic but improperly located the thread in OM/OW. I've moved the thread to our Infidelity forum per policy and cleaned up a bit of the worst vitriol and suspended a couple members.

Regardless of where threads are located on our forum, all members are subject to our guidelines of interaction and shall post to the topic and treat other members in a respectful manner regardless of what one may think or feel about their life situation.

Thank you!

October 10, 2015

I wish that you could step out of your body for a minute and read this story objectively. You appear to be torn between the life you have and the life that you will have with this OM. The fact is you wanted your husband to be something he wasn’t. I don’t see where you have addressed the true nature of your feelings to your husband or address them in counseling. Instead you went to another man, in the hopes that he will be what you want him to be. The new relationship seems so much better, but it is not real either. You only see him in fun times, he know all the right things to say, because you tell him all the bad things that your husband has done to you and he commiserates with you. The fact is if he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you someday.

My advice is that you need to finish one relationship before you start another. Don’t put your children in the middle of an illicit relationship, this is your affair not theirs. If you feel that your husband is abusive to you or your children, then you need to either need to attend family counseling to fix or terminate the relationship. If you are already to the point of divorce then figure out what you want in custody, visitation, and support, then seek legal advice. Additionally, I think that you be on your own for a while after the divorce. This will ensure you are not running away from the current relationship and see what and who you want for the future.

October 10, 2015

Sorry but some part of me has some doubt about the abuse you say comes from your husband.

WS always point to abuse or neglect of some kind from their BS - they do that to justify their affair, to others and to themselves.

It could also be that OP's BH senses something is wrong but can't put his finger on it. That feeling of disconnection and wrongness can work its way into your psyche and can be perceived by others at irritability.

October 10, 2015

If your husband is verbally abusive you need to leave for the children sake. If they are be damaged and you have the power to stop it and didn't, they're going to resent you forever when they're older and have to work past their mental scars.

Almost?
Deserve doesn't really mean anything in the world. Does your husband deserve for his wife to have an open-affair in front of his children? Does your AP deserve to have only half a relationship when hes "sacrificed everything"? Wither they do or don't, thats the situation they live in.

And if your affair is as open as it seems, whether you divorce or not isn't going to be up to you much longer.

October 10, 2015

I was married to an abusive jerk I had two children with. I also met a man, we fell hard for each other, and he was willing to give up everything and take on my kids so that he could be with me.

Know what I did?

I told me ex it was over, moved in with my OM, filed for divorce as soon as I could, and then we got married. We raised my girls and had a boy to keep us on our toes. We've been a couple for 15 years and married 12.

I'm not saying I think you should do that. I don't know you, your H, or your OM. But I am saying that maybe you should seriously consider that what you and the OM have might be legit.

You don't want to leave him dangling, feeling like he's being toyed with? Then make a decision. Either take a leap of faith or retreat into comfortable misery.

October 10, 2015

I was married to an abusive jerk I had two children with. I also met a man, we fell hard for each other, and he was willing to give up everything and take on my kids so that he could be with me.

Know what I did?

I told me ex it was over, moved in with my OM, filed for divorce as soon as I could, and then we got married. We raised my girls and had a boy to keep us on our toes. We've been a couple for 15 years and married 12.

I'm not saying I think you should do that. I don't know you, your H, or your OM. But I am saying that maybe you should seriously consider that what you and the OM have might be legit.

You don't want to leave him dangling, feeling like he's being toyed with? Then make a decision. Either take a leap of faith or retreat into comfortable misery.

This made me cry. These are things he and I talk about. Things he wants, things I want. My husband and I have talked about divorcing for almost six months now and I know my parents keep waiting for me to say I'm moving in with them with the kids because everyone is aware of the problems. I should have left several years ago but kept thinking it would get better. He'd grow out of this phase or that phase and he just never has. His own parents have told him several times that he's going to come home one day with a note on the counter and an empty house because of how he treats us. Not just us but his employees and everyone around him. The other guy isn't some bad person. I know to the outsider he's a monster for getting involved with a married woman but he is just like your now husband, wants to marry me and have a life with me. I feel weak because I can't pull the trigger one way or another and it's so selfish.

October 10, 2015

The other guy isn't some bad person. I know to the outsider he's a monster for getting involved with a married woman but he is just like your now husband, wants to marry me and have a life with me. I feel weak because I can't pull the trigger one way or another and it's so selfish.

Wasn't he also with someone when the A started? Thats an even bigger character flaw to me.

You are being selfish, but you don't need to keep being so. You are strong enough to do something. This isn't a burden your need to carry, its a jump you need to do. Just a few moments of acting strong is enough. If your miserable now,your going to stay that way until something changes.

October 11, 2015

Lady your husband is slime, but make no mistake: the guy you are banging behind his back is also utter slime. Don't think you're going from a bad guy to a good guy. You're just going to a different kind of slime.

You also spoke like the guy was married at one point when he started banging you. So we know he has no respect for a woman he made vows to. We also know he has no respect for YOU. Yep, you read that right. He has no respect for you. If he did he'd of waited until you were no longer married before even touching you, but alas..prince charming did not.

Now I know you quoted a little fairytale about how a woman totally had a mean jerk of a husband and cheated on the bad man and left the mean jerk for the great guy(great guys bang married women don't you know? they also make great role models for children) and they lived happily ever after..but remember that is not the normal outcome.

Don't get me wrong I don't expect you to agree because..well of course you don't want to see him as a bad guy.

Edited October 11, 2015 by Spectre

Sign In

Torn and don't know . He wants me to leave

Recommended Posts

m.snow

Slynn84

bathtub-row

Try

Lion Heart

fellini

qubist

Lois_Griffin

Popsicle

Popsicle

bathtub-row

Popsicle

sandylee1

anika99

Popsicle

Slynn84

Popsicle

William

Oberfeldwebel

nightmare01

poofitsgone

MJJean

Slynn84

poofitsgone

Spectre

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...