3 months+ after breakup ex messages this

[flexxy]

Dude you respond by asking for a date and discuss this face to face! You are wasting so much time by texting and asking random questions. isn't her answer obvious! Come on.

 

i know its obvious mate, im not stupid, i will but im busy at the moment , im literally updating you while drinking with friends

 

& just to clarify it was terribly vague for most of it..

Edited October 9, 2015 by flexxy

[kendahke]

backstory: dated for 2 years, she left me 3 months ago, she has messaged me a couple times since with usual breadcrumb bs (misses and cares for me)

 

Anyways no msgs for about 4 weeks then yesterday

 

her: "Hi, how have you been?"

me: ive been good thanks

her: do you not want to talk to me?

me: It just seems a bit out of the blue

her: You've been on my mind and I've wanted to talk to you, I just didn't know whether you would want to talk to me

me: what do you want to talk about?

her: do you still care about me?

me: you didnt answer my question

her: i didnt have a specific "topic" i wanted to discuss with you i just want you in my life

her (4 hours later with no response from me): life is empty without you

 

I havnt responded to the last two msgs which were tonight, ive pretty much reached a point of indifference, however i feel like i have changed my ways and i would possibly givd it another chance. i did struggle a lot in the early days of the BU. i also made sure she knew i could never be just "friends" with her

 

Does this sound like she is trying to just get an ego boost?

 

Yes.

 

She didn't say "I'm sorry for breaking up with you. I made a huge mistake. Will your forgive me?" I mean "I just want you in my life" is meaningless, coming from someone who had you in their life 24/7 and chose to put you down for someone else. What does that mess even mean, when you want her as your lover and romantic partner? She wants to friendzone you to get you in your cage and stay there for when she wants to take you out and play with you? I mean what?

 

Here's the question: has whatever it was that drove her to dump you and chase after someone else been resolved or is she just bored and doesn't like her own company, but you and your johnson will do til the next guy floats by?

 

What she's saying is not enough. She needed to come with way more than that lukewarm puke on your shoe. Block her and keep it moving, if you are really at a point of indifference. Doing that shouldn't matter to you, being indifferent and all--that is the definition of indifference after all.

[bluefeather]

update: responded with the line asking what she wants?

 

she responded asking what im actually thinking

 

i said "You want me in your life you say? Well you broke up with me, and as I've already told you being friends doesn't work for me"

 

she said " are you saying you dont want to be in my life?

 

i said " I thought I'd already made myself clear"

 

she said "I've never wanted to be your friend "

 

went out with some friends so not sure how to respond to that one but yeah..

 

Wow, that kind of talk would really put me off and personally, I would tell her to shove off. She isn't saying anything. She wants you to say everything. And I wouldn't ask her out to meet either. She doesn't deserve crap from you, especially to be asked out. I would stop with the text bs and might say something like, "If you want to talk to me and tell me what the heck you actually have to say to me, you can call me right now, otherwise we're done talking." From there I wouldn't say anything else. And that's if I even felt like talking to her. I probably wouldn't even want to talk to her from those texts.

[flexxy]

Yes.

 

She didn't say "I'm sorry for breaking up with you. I made a huge mistake. Will your forgive me?" I mean "I just want you in my life" is meaningless, coming from someone who had you in their life 24/7 and chose to put you down for someone else. What does that mess even mean, when you want her as your lover and romantic partner? She wants to friendzone you to get you in your cage and stay there for when she wants to take you out and play with you? I mean what?

 

Here's the question: has whatever it was that drove her to dump you and chase after someone else been resolved or is she just bored and doesn't like her own company, but you and your johnson will do til the next guy floats by?

 

What she's saying is not enough. She needed to come with way more than that lukewarm puke on your shoe. Block her and keep it moving, if you are really at a point of indifference. Doing that shouldn't matter to you, being indifferent and all--that is the definition of indifference after all.

 

i love your input but have you been keeping up with the thread?

[kendahke]

WTF does "be in my life" mean? As what, exactly?

[flexxy]

Wow, that kind of talk would really put me off and personally, I would tell her to shove off. She isn't saying anything. She wants you to say everything. And I wouldn't ask her out to meet either. She doesn't deserve crap from you, especially to be asked out. I would stop with the text bs and might say something like, "If you want to talk to me and tell me what the heck you actually have to say to me, you can call me right now, otherwise we're done talking." From there I wouldn't say anything else. And that's if I even felt like talking to her. I probably wouldn't even want to talk to her from those texts.

 

yes i agree, i need more than this thats for sure

[lookin ahead]

i would just be clear since you guys are basically still talking anyway. OP do you want to get back with her? If you do just be clear, just tell her look you obviously texted me, do you want to be in a relationship with me or not, stop beating around the bush, yes or no?

It doesn't get any clearer than that, just be upfront and straightforward.

[kendahke]

i would just be clear since you guys are basically still talking anyway. OP do you want to get back with her? If you do just be clear, just tell her look you obviously texted me, do you want to be in a relationship with me or not, stop beating around the bush, yes or no?

It doesn't get any clearer than that, just be upfront and straightforward.

 

^^^^this right here.

 

Either she wants you as her man and lover or she doesn't and if she doesn't, then she needs to take her friendship elsewhere.

[Chin Up]

Honestly? This seems like a cliche breadcrumb.

 

Popping up out of nowhere with a "how are you?" then tugging on the line to see if their hook is still firmly skewered through your lip. She's being vague, cryptic and evasive because she's looking for that big juicy ego boost of you blubbering how much you love and miss her, or at the very least, that you show interest in talking with her which gives her the green light to disappear and reappear on whim.

 

If I was you, before you get sucked into this, or sucked deeper, I'd lay down the law lol.

 

"You broke up with me, effectively removing ourselves from each others lives. I have zero interest being friends with an Ex. Best of luck, take care."

 

It's hard to put your foot down with an ex you still care about, but you have to care about yourself FIRST. Put an end to these mind games before you end up more hurt, because trust me..the person who cares the least has the most power. I don't think dumpers know the pain and confusion they cause when they pop up, because what they're feeling is typically lead bricks below the pain and hurt the dumpee is..which is why they seem cold and heartless compared to the raw fresh pain you're feeling.

 

She can get to the point and tell you what she wants, or scram once she see's you're not playing into stupid games. My concern is that she's more interested in how you feel about her, than revealing how she's feeling about you.

 

Idk man.

[Simon Phoenix]

Do not meet with this girl, do not talk with this girl. You've given her multiple chances to come clean and she refuses to. She's talking around it, which is a huge, huge red flag. The fact that she says nothing says everything. And what she's said is that she is in contact with you for her own selfish reasons and doesn't really seem to care about how her contact would affect you.

 

You've clearly stated what you want. Unless she agrees to that, there's nothing more to discuss. It's time to nip this in the bud.

[flexxy]

Do not meet with this girl, do not talk with this girl. You've given her multiple chances to come clean and she refuses to. She's talking around it, which is a huge, huge red flag. The fact that she says nothing says everything. And what she's said is that she is in contact with you for her own selfish reasons and doesn't really seem to care about how her contact would affect you.

 

You've clearly stated what you want. Unless she agrees to that, there's nothing more to discuss. It's time to nip this in the bud.

 

i dont really understand, do some people not read the rest of the thread , the girl has clearly stated she never intended to be "friends" with me...

[Simon Phoenix]

i dont really understand, do some people not read the rest of the thread , the girl has clearly stated she never intended to be "friends" with me...

 

She doesn't exactly say she wants to be your girlfriend, which is the point. I've read the entire thread. Just because I don't come to the conclusion you want me to come to doesn't mean I'm not paying attention. Her "I never intended to be friends" thing is her keeping some bait on the hook and trying to steer the conversation for her benefit. She didn't exactly follow-up on that statement with more precise detail, did she?

 

She's being quite evasive and she's not being on the level with you. You're aware of this on some level (even if you are whiteknighting her right now) because you are asking her direct questions.

[bluefeather]

i dont really understand, do some people not read the rest of the thread , the girl has clearly stated she never intended to be "friends" with me...

 

lol some people here seem to prefer telling others what to do with extreme prejudice. I think it's with good intention, though. Despite her clearly saying that she never intended to be friends, that isn't clear enough. Let's have some fun with the English language.

 

"I've never wanted to be your friend."

 

This statement is true with the following statements.

 

"I've never wanted to be your friend. I just want to use you for occasional attention."

 

"I've never wanted to be your friend. And I still don't want to."

 

And the one that she is hoping that you will infer:

 

"I've never wanted to be your friend. Maybe that means I want to be your girlfriend."

 

 

Since what she said could mean any of those statements, what she said is hardly "clear." Unless she says words like this, I would suggest you walk away.

 

"I want to be your girlfriend."

"I want you to take me back."

"Marry me."

 

She is wasting your time with these little word games. Understand this: She is speaking in vague terms to force you to make the moves on her. IMO, that is insulting.

[Chin Up]

Back to your original question:

Does this sound like she is trying to just get an ego boost?

 

Yes, and she IS getting an ego boost because you keep answering her even though she won't be upfront about what she wants. The contact you've had with her is making your head swim all over again. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, but she doesn't want to be "friends" either. So wth does she want?

 

Since she won't be open and honest with you, it's leaving you to fill in the blanks. Maybe she said that because she wants to get back together? maybe she's worried you're mad at her or have moved on, so she's testing to see how you feel before she comes out with her intentions? the what ifs will drive you insane, and will get worse with each little cryptic text she sends.

 

I'd be pretty ticked off if my ex popped up out of nowhere and started playing mind games likes that, cuz thats what they are and you're on the losing end right now because you can bet she isn't on a forum somewhere asking for advice over what type of cool and breezy comment to shoot you next.

 

I know this type of advice isn't what you want to hear, but it can't hurt to listen to it. I think you've done well so far in your replies to her, and taking your sweet time to answer, but now it's her turn to answer some questions. If she can't, or won't, she can jog on.

[Stage5Clinger]

Does this sound like she is trying to just get an ego boost?

 

Yep. Sorry she's done this man. Nothing more confusing or harder to navigate. You're best off steering clear from this unless you establish that you are both going to endure the struggle of making it work again no matter what it takes. Anything less than this level of commitment is surely going to disappoint.

[flexxy]

lol some people here seem to prefer telling others what to do with extreme prejudice. I think it's with good intention, though. Despite her clearly saying that she never intended to be friends, that isn't clear enough. Let's have some fun with the English language.

 

"I've never wanted to be your friend."

 

This statement is true with the following statements.

 

"I've never wanted to be your friend. I just want to use you for occasional attention."

 

"I've never wanted to be your friend. And I still don't want to."

 

And the one that she is hoping that you will infer:

 

"I've never wanted to be your friend. Maybe that means I want to be your girlfriend."

 

 

Since what she said could mean any of those statements, what she said is hardly "clear." Unless she says words like this, I would suggest you walk away.

 

"I want to be your girlfriend."

"I want you to take me back."

"Marry me."

 

She is wasting your time with these little word games. Understand this: She is speaking in vague terms to force you to make the moves on her. IMO, that is insulting.

 

I understand this and yes its insulting and not enough for me so what do you suggest i do, leave it?

 

i mean honestly i feel like saying "be straight with what you want or we are done here"

Edited October 9, 2015 by flexxy

[Simon Phoenix]

I understand this and yes its insulting and not enough for me so what do you suggest i do, leave it?

 

i mean honestly i feel like saying "be straight with what you want or we are done here"

 

I wouldn't say that. If you do, she'll tell you just enough to keep your head spinning and keep you on the hook.

 

I think you're better off just cutting the communication off with silence. You'll flush out her motives much better that way. Either she'll realize that she has to stop playing games and she'll come correct if she wants to try again, or she'll back off when she realizes that you aren't going to be her pawn. Either result puts you in a better place than you are now.

[SoThatHappened]

Most on this forum are so quick to suggest cutting contact, even when it sounds like an ex is inferring they want you back.

 

I understand this. Especially from veterans.

 

Ask yourself this: Has either of you really changed in 3 months? Have the things that caused the breakup been reversed, changed, rectified?

 

Also, since you're already in contact, I'd just tell her to spill it or cut you off.

 

This should be the conversation:

 

You: You either want me back more than anything and you are willing to work on us, or we stop this conversation and cut all contact right now. I will not answer another text/email/phone call unless you KNOW you want me back and you're willing to make it work for the long run.

 

If you get another wishy-washy text from her, you have your answer. Then move on in 100% NC.

[bluefeather]

I understand this and yes its insulting and not enough for me so what do you suggest i do, leave it?

 

i mean honestly i feel like saying "be straight with what you want or we are done here"

 

I already told you like 3 times dude, that's how I would have responded, if I even cared to respond. You don't even have to. Go ahead and ignore her if you can't decide what to say, and watch as time goes and she will either keep hounding you with more desperation or she will say screw it and leave.

[bathtub-row]

Some people are not straight up because they think that saying something like "I think we should spend the rest of our lives together" may be jumping the gun just a tad. Personally, I would never say this to an ex that I wanted back -- nor anything along those lines. And if he got pissy about wanting some perfect answer that I'm supposed to deliver on cue, then I would realize that walking away from him in the first place was the right decision.

 

I think you're over-noodling this whole thing. Ask her if she wants to meet somewhere and talk. See how it goes. See if the chemistry is still there, if the two if you can still be open with one another. If you're not interested in doing that and don't give a fig if she slips away again, then so be it. But don't expect some grand confession of love from her at this point and think that's somehow telling.

 

With all due respect, from where I'm standing, it seems like you screwed up the last time, and you're screwing up again.

[flexxy]

 

With all due respect, from where I'm standing, it seems like you screwed up the last time, and you're screwing up again.

 

I don't understand though, I don't expect a confession or whatever it is you think im chasing, but for the only reason "thus far" that she has said is "life is empty without you"... and what do you mean i screwed up last time :/

 

It is also very confusing because responses on here are so varied, albeit i take them with a grain of salt.

 

I just don't see how me (the dumpee) should be the one organising meets, spilling my feelings ect ect, surely you can see this point?

Edited October 10, 2015 by flexxy

[bluefeather]

Some people are not straight up because they think that saying something like "I think we should spend the rest of our lives together" may be jumping the gun just a tad. Personally, I would never say this to an ex that I wanted back -- nor anything along those lines.

 

You are totally exaggerating. Talking about marriage is a possibility (albeit an extreme one) that only I mentioned in half jest. Saying you want to try coming back into a relationship is nothing along the lines of wanting to spend eternity with a person.

 

And if he got pissy about wanting some perfect answer that I'm supposed to deliver on cue, then I would realize that walking away from him in the first place was the right decision.

 

Look here, flexxy. That is your example of a person who doesn't care enough to salvage a relationship. If she isn't that invested in it, then this is exactly the way she will see things. That is exactly why I don't settle for it.

 

Of course, you have to take everything here with a grain of salt. These are all different perspectives from different people and we still don't know who you are. So the best you can do is take everything said here and choose the steps that seem most right for you. Heck, mix them all together if you feel like it. You will learn one way or another. Good luck!

[bathtub-row]

I don't understand though, I don't expect a confession or whatever it is you think im chasing, but for the only reason "thus far" that she has said is "life is empty without you"... and what do you mean i screwed up last time :/

 

It is also very confusing because responses on here are so varied, albeit i take them with a grain of salt.

 

I just don't see how me (the dumpee) should be the one organising meets, spilling my feelings ect ect, surely you can see this point?

 

I'm guessing that she left for a good reason since you said yourself that you agree with why she left. I'm making the assumption that if she left, then it must be you who screwed up. If I'm wrong, then fine. My point is, you seem to think she had a valid reason for walking away so I'm not sure why you're taking the victim stance.

 

If something like "my life is empty without you" isn't specific enough for you, then honestly I don't know what you're looking for. Maybe she should draw a picture and color it for you.

 

As I said before, she contacted you and said something very significant. Most women don't chase a man for fear of running him off, so they will only take that kind of thing so far. A lot of us women believe that throwing out a really obvious statement like that would be enough to motivate a man, if he had any hopes of getting back together. It's not about her not caring enough, it's about her believing that if you gave half a hoot about her, you'd take what she said and run with it.

 

It's not her playing a game. She's thinking that if you also feel that your life is empty without her, then you'd move heaven and earth to at least meet her halfway.

[bluefeather]

lol... I can draw a picture easily with this. But first, I will reveal the real meaning of what she is saying: "Life feels empty without you." If life was really, truly empty without him, that would be dire. She would be doing a lot more than sending simple text messages. Her life isn't empty without him. It may, however, feel that way to her. Now that the true meaning is revealed, here are some possible ideas behind it...

 

*I thought I could do better than you, but I cant. My life feels empty without you.

 

*I wonder if I might end up living alone in the end. My life feels empty without you.

 

*I feed off of the attention of others. Since no one is giving me the kind of attention that I need right now, my life feels empty without you.

 

*I have a problem letting go. My life feels empty without you.

 

I do not cross out "I still care about you and want to be with you. My life feels empty without you."

 

I am only saying that it may sound romantic to someone who's never been told that before, but it has been tried countless times (and continues to be tried) by men and women for forms of affection, including sex. That is also a phrase drug addicts use. Or another one: "I need you." Imagine her saying that to you. "I need you." Now imagine a chain smoker saying that to a pack of cigarettes. It does not mean they are in love. It means they have a problem. All that's required is elaboration. But if she won't even give you that, really, what's the point? There is no requirement for you to meet her halfway anywhere. She ended the relationship and was gone for months, and is expecting you to jump on command when she feels like it by sending you a text... sorry, I gotta lol @ that.

 

This person may or may not have ulterior motives, but that phrase alone only says one thing: ME.

 

I dumped you.

Now pay attention to my needs.

 

Research the process of GIGS and you will see how this works. I have only been here for a few months and I can already notice patterns in yours and other posters. I have experienced it myself and can see signs I missed in the past that were always there. I'm not trying to boast; just do the research yourself. It's all on this site.

[pinkpositive]

I don't know the backstory here but why would you assume that she's just toying with you, opposed to really wanting you back?

 

Btw, when you asked what she wanted to talk about, I think she did answer your question.

 

Same point with me. She did answer your question but in a way of asking you.

 

I think, she still want you back. What will you do if she still want to work things out again? I have feeling that you still like her too that's why you replied.