bathtub-row Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 I don't know what GIGS means. OP, basically, I think everyone is being far too cynical about this, and it's being over-analyzed. This is what I see: she contacted you and let you know how she feels. If that means anything to you, then do something about it. If you're too prideful or aren't interested, then drop it. It's really that simple. Link to post Share on other sites
bluefeather Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 I don't know what GIGS means. And you've been on here since last year? Weird, but that explains a lot. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome Link to post Share on other sites
Christos Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Such bitterness in some of the responses. People make mistakes all time, and then its really hard to turn them around. If the OP cares about this girl and wants her back, he shouldnt be worried about having the upper hand or making her suffer. Love isnt about ego or pride. No, dumping someone is not a "mistake". Ok? Dumping someone means you either found a "better option", or want to find it. It is not a mistake. Or, to say it better, it is a decision. It may turn out to be a BAD decision, but it still is a decision... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 (edited) I'm guessing that she left for a good reason since you said yourself that you agree with why she left. I'm making the assumption that if she left, then it must be you who screwed up. If I'm wrong, then fine. My point is, you seem to think she had a valid reason for walking away so I'm not sure why you're taking the victim stance. If something like "my life is empty without you" isn't specific enough for you, then honestly I don't know what you're looking for. Maybe she should draw a picture and color it for you. As I said before, she contacted you and said something very significant. Most women don't chase a man for fear of running him off, so they will only take that kind of thing so far. A lot of us women believe that throwing out a really obvious statement like that would be enough to motivate a man, if he had any hopes of getting back together. It's not about her not caring enough, it's about her believing that if you gave half a hoot about her, you'd take what she said and run with it. It's not her playing a game. She's thinking that if you also feel that your life is empty without her, then you'd move heaven and earth to at least meet her halfway. I'm sorry, but your advice is misguided and will do nothing but send the OP into a gauntlet of pain. She is most definitely playing games. The OP has asked her multiple times asking her what she's getting at and she's still talking around it. That is a bulls--t move for a dumper. She broke it, it's up to her to fix it. She had enough guts to break his heart, she better have enough guts to put herself out there if she's reconsidering her stance. If she's not reconsidering her stance, or if she's just toeing the waters out of fear/boredom/not finding anyone else, that's bs. You break something, you fix it. It's basic common courtesy. If you want someone back that you dumped, you don't throw out stupid hints and expect them to fill in the blank. That's disrespectful and insulting. Be real, don't be a d--k. She's being a d--k. And if the OP took substantial blame for the demise of the relationship, she should not be checking with him unless she's reconsidered his part in the break. There's no way in hell she's changed to the point where she's completed accepted whatever shortcoming he had, and there's no way he's completely fixed whatever shortcomings he wanted to fix. I mean, the type of stuff she's saying to him is stuff that is said to fill a temporary blank. The OP is strong enough to not put up with that garbage, and good for him. It's up to her to come correct and stop messing around, or to leave him the hell alone. I don't care if she's a girl and she doesn't want to be the one to chase -- if she wants him back, she needs to put on her big girl pants, be an adult, and fix what she broke. Just because she's female doesn't mean she gets the ability to be wishy-washy and flighty. F--k all that. Edited October 10, 2015 by Simon Phoenix Link to post Share on other sites
purpledooze Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 I'm not going to make assumptions. You know your ex better than we do. But here are some suggestions on how to respond to her: "Look, [Name], I appreciate that you are thinking about us, but it's confusing for me to hear from you. I'd prefer it if you didn't contact me unless your mind is made up that you want to get back together." -- For an ex-girlfriend you respected: "Look, [name], I understand that the decision to break up with me wasn't easy for you to make, but every time you voice your doubt or imply it by telling me you miss me, you re-awaken a hope inside me that there might be a chance for us. And each time you pull back again, that hope is destroyed and the pain starts over. I know I'll eventually get over the breakup and find a more suitable partner for me, but I can't do that as long as we are in this perpetual back-and-forth. I know exactly what I want; it is only your confusion that is making things complicated. So I am going to stop responding to you. If you ever definitively make up your mind that you want to try again, I'd be willing to discuss it. Unless your mind is completely clear, unless you are sure that you want to try again, please allow me the peace I need to move on by not contacting me." -- If you don't respect her: "[Name], listen, you wanted to break up, not me, and you need to live with that decision. For the sake of whatever real feelings you used to have for me, please don't contact me again. You won't be hearing from me." It lets her know in a non-needy, non-ego-stroking way that you are open to a reconciliation, but that you also accept your current situation and are ready to move on. None of these message say you are willing to take them back on a whim, but that you are willing to"consider" it and "discuss" it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Simon, I do understand your point of view. The only thing that I take issue with is your assumption that if someone leaves, they're the one who broke something. It has been my experience that people leave because the other person's behavior is unacceptable, and they refuse to change. Leaving is a way to stop the insanity. Also, the OP said that she had valid reasons for leaving. So, I'm just saying that, if that's the case, then he should take that into consideration. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Simon, I do understand your point of view. The only thing that I take issue with is your assumption that if someone leaves, they're the one who broke something. It has been my experience that people leave because the other person's behavior is unacceptable, and they refuse to change. Leaving is a way to stop the insanity. Also, the OP said that she had valid reasons for leaving. So, I'm just saying that, if that's the case, then he should take that into consideration. No, almost all breakups are the result of things that both parties have done. I completely understand that. But I think it's unfair of you to say that dumpers dump strictly based on the dumpee acting in an unacceptable way. That's just not the case -- there are plenty of instance where dumpers dump simply because they aren't feeling it for whatever reason. It's not always because the dumpee is a prick, or even that way half the time. Breakups happen for many reasons, not just because the dumpee was behaving in an unacceptable manner. Either way, when you pull the trigger on the breakup, you are the one officially breaking the relationship. You're choosing to end the relationship rather than working on whatever problems the relationship has within the confines of that relationship. That's fine and good, and there's nothing wrong with that, but you forfeit all rights to be coy and have someone chase after you when you make that call. Those are the consequences of making that decision. She doesn't get to break up with him and have him chase her. That's unreasonable. Therefore, if you reconsider that stance, you need to make it known WITHOUT A DOUBT. Hints and talking around it aren't not acceptable behaviors from her in this situation. It's not the least bit cool and if I were the OP I'd be insulted by it. And even if the OP has to change things (we all probably do to be honest), it's not realistic to expect it to happen in such a short time. So, at this point, she needs to either a) be direct and tell him that she wants to work on whatever they need to work on together AS A COUPLE or b) she needs to leave him alone so he can make his improvements. She can't do this half-and-half crap. He's directly asked her what she's doing, and she can't give him a direct, straight answer. This isn't the time for her to be cute and symbolic and expect him to read the tea leaves. Either she needs to be completely on the level or she needs to leave him alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Frank13 Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 I've seen this a million times. Do you want her out of your life for good? If so just reply telling her that you still care about her. You will never hear from her again. She is looking for an ego stroke and once she gets it she will disappear. Like Chin Up said, she is more interested in seeing how you feel about her than revealing how she is feeling about you. Do what I said. It's simple. If she wants you back it is a nice thing to say and if she doesn't you will know when she doesn't reply. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Oregon_Dude Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Well, let's look at this reasonably. If someone truly wants you back, do they send you a TEXT message - perhaps the laziest and most self-serving form of communication in modern history? Or do they CALL you, leave a VM, send you a heartfelt letter, stop by your house? Think about that one for just half a minute. Nothing about her communication to you indicates that she knows what she wants or truly wants to be in a relationship with you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
jonesey0 Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Well, let's look at this reasonably. If someone truly wants you back, do they send you a TEXT message - perhaps the laziest and most self-serving form of communication in modern history? Or do they CALL you, leave a VM, send you a heartfelt letter, stop by your house? Think about that one for just half a minute. Nothing about her communication to you indicates that she knows what she wants or truly wants to be in a relationship with you. Agree with you on this 100%. If someone really wants you back, really want to be with you, they would be knocking on your door right know. Texting is childish and immature, even more so when dealing with other persons feelings. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 texting is used to manage people when one is trying to pull some effery over on the other. One uses it in order to not get into protracted conversations out of which they can't extricate themselves. Hence, her texts are vague about her intentions. Of course, you can cut that off at the knees by directly asking her what her intentions are with regards to you. Preferably in person, face to face so you can read her reaction, and not through texting. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
craw Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 There has been some insightful posts in this thread. I have learned a bit about myself as someone who goes back and forth with her ex. I'm obviously not putting in my two cents as I'm in a much stranger and complicated mess. Flexxy, were you ever truly happy with her? She sounds like a royal pain in the butt being so indecisive. Playing mind games sounds it will be consistent with her. Aka is she worth all this heartbreak she puts you through? Link to post Share on other sites
Wewon Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Now that the true meaning is revealed, here are some possible ideas behind it... *I thought I could do better than you, but I cant. My life feels empty without you. *I wonder if I might end up living alone in the end. My life feels empty without you. *I feed off of the attention of others. Since no one is giving me the kind of attention that I need right now, my life feels empty without you. *I have a problem letting go. My life feels empty without you. I do not cross out "I still care about you and want to be with you. My life feels empty without you." I am only saying that it may sound romantic to someone who's never been told that before, but it has been tried countless times (and continues to be tried) by men and women for forms of affection, including sex. There are a lot of great responses here, but the one above is definitely one that the original poster should keep in mind. Its just a fact that people often use language just open-ended enough to influence you without committing themselves to anything tangible. Its plausible deniability. So ask yourself, if you broke up with someone, knew that you made a horrible mistake and wanted them back, would you use such vague and ego-saving language in your communications or would you be more direct? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Oregon_Dude Posted October 19, 2015 Share Posted October 19, 2015 On a related note. My ex from over a YEAR AGO continues to text me, wanting to be friends. I have no feelings for her, positive or negative. Just a complete lack of anything for her. Anyway, I just ignore these. She dumped me, that means I don't have to talk to her. My point is, why not call me? I may give her the chance to speak with me if she would actually make an effort. This texting business is just lazy and disrespectful. The fact that she claims to care about me and doesn't even call me turns me off even more. People and their f*cking texting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 (edited) Either way, when you pull the trigger on the breakup, you are the one officially breaking the relationship. You're choosing to end the relationship rather than working on whatever problems the relationship has within the confines of that relationship. That's fine and good, and there's nothing wrong with that, but you forfeit all rights to be coy and have someone chase after you when you make that call. Those are the consequences of making that decision. She doesn't get to break up with him and have him chase her. That's unreasonable I understand but, again, you're making the assumption that when someone pulls the trigger, they haven't already spent a great deal of time trying to work things out. I have personally never left someone without giving them an opportunity to fix what I said was a dealbreaker. Most of the time they had a year or two to do this. The problem is, most people just can't change, they can't help themselves and even though they know what they're doing is destroying the relationship, they just don't stop. Then they love to act surprised and betrayed when it all falls apart. And I don't forfeit any rights when I know I did the right thing. I don't stay with people who abuse or control me. Not ever. And there's no reason why I should. I get it that there are people who leave without warning. But I've never known anyone who did that. I do, however, know plenty of people who just reached that point of no return and walked away. Bad and disrespectful behavior is all too common in relationships and people need to learn that this just doesn't work. Edited November 8, 2015 by bathtub-row Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted November 8, 2015 Share Posted November 8, 2015 (edited) I understand but, again, you're making the assumption that when someone pulls the trigger, they haven't already spent a great deal of time trying to work things out. I have personally never left someone without giving them an opportunity to fix what I said was a dealbreaker. Most of the time they had a year or two to do this. The problem is, most people just can't change, they can't help themselves and even though they know what they're doing is destroying the relationship, they just don't stop. Then they love to act surprised and betrayed when it all falls apart. And I don't forfeit any rights when I know I did the right thing. I don't stay with people who abuse or control me. Not ever. And there's no reason why I should. I get it that there are people who leave without warning. But I've never known anyone who did that. I do, however, know plenty of people who just reached that point of no return and walked away. Bad and disrespectful behavior is all too common in relationships and people need to learn that this just doesn't work. I never assumed anything. I certainly never said that most dumpers are impulse dumpers. No one said you should stay in a relationship that isn't working or is abusive. But most relationships don't end due to abuse. Most relationships end because things change and people go their separate ways. Don't project your personal experiences on the OP -- there's nothing to suggest that he was abusive or overly disrespectful. I'm sure he wasn't perfect (no one is) but it's quite the leap to assume that he was solely to blame for the demise of his relationship. In most relationships, the demise is a two-way street where both people share blame. Either way, my point remains. You don't get to break up with someone unless you were a forced dumper (cheating, abuse, etc.) and then be entitled to have them chase you. That's ridiculous. If you feel that confident about your decision, then you shouldn't want to play with them in that manner. And if you were a forced dumper, you wouldn't want them chasing you anyway. Edited November 8, 2015 by Simon Phoenix 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 9, 2015 Share Posted November 9, 2015 I never assumed anything. I certainly never said that most dumpers are impulse dumpers. No one said you should stay in a relationship that isn't working or is abusive. But most relationships don't end due to abuse. Most relationships end because things change and people go their separate ways. Don't project your personal experiences on the OP -- there's nothing to suggest that he was abusive or overly disrespectful. I'm sure he wasn't perfect (no one is) but it's quite the leap to assume that he was solely to blame for the demise of his relationship. In most relationships, the demise is a two-way street where both people share blame. Either way, my point remains. You don't get to break up with someone unless you were a forced dumper (cheating, abuse, etc.) and then be entitled to have them chase you. That's ridiculous. If you feel that confident about your decision, then you shouldn't want to play with them in that manner. And if you were a forced dumper, you wouldn't want them chasing you anyway. I see what you're saying. No, if I leave someome, I don't want them to chase me because I'm done. I actually wasn't referring to the OP, I was just responding to what you had written. But I understand now what you meant. To make myself clear for the OP's purposes, I will never understand anyone leaving someone without giving a reason, and without some discussion. That's really cruel. Link to post Share on other sites
positivityonly Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 Hey man! Not trying to steal the thread, but I can relate exactly.. My ex and I were together for over 2 years, she ended it out of the blue, met some friends here on visa at her internship and has been hanging with them. I was a complete mess of course, 2 months NC she says "hey don't know if this is too soon but I want you in my life for as long as I'm live when were ready blah blah" I respond pretty short and normal.. Then 12 days later which was this week, "Hey how are you calls me by my first name and then says it sounds weird and uses my nickname or whatever, and asked how my family was." I havent replied its been 4 days, just seems so weak, now that her internship is ending this week she's realizing real life or whatever. Im not going to overthink it, I would just prefer zero breadcrumbs, I always wanted them now I realized by experience it just messes with us. We have to be strong, have a spine, its what best for us and most attractive to them anyways, so where would we go wrong? I don't think were wrong for not replying after all that ex's do, were allowed! Good luck brother. Link to post Share on other sites
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