I got really anxious and went "crazy" not he isn't responding to my texts

[Buddhist]

errrr, i think those guys are called 'players'.

 

Players don't tend to be in longterm relationships. I'm reasonably certain they weren't players. They were just men and a pain in the arse.

[Celeste.Carol]

Work on your anxiety issues and next time control the impulse, sit on your hands. I have a lot of girlfriends, married and in relationships, and I can tell you if their husbands and boyfriends ignored their daily check ins and texts...they would NOT be happy campers! Some of it is normal and some of it you can work on. Everyone has issues.

[nauticalpoem]

[...] If you contact this man again, even to try to "fix" this you may find yourself on the wrong end of a harassment complaint. [...] you need to be more worried that he's going to tell your boss how irrationally you have been behaving so much so that your boss considers whether s/he wants you as an employee. You have a lot more to lose here then a date.

 

I think this is really over-the-top. But thank you. He probably thinks I am annoying and clingy, but he never has mentioned me bothering him. A couple weeks ago I was being kind of physically clingy and jokingly apologized to which he responded "sweetie, there's no need to apologize it's fine." That's the closest thing that happened to me "harassing" him outside a few day period. And my texts weren't angry or rude in any way. Yes, he probably feels like I am annoying but I don't think it's fair for me to feel like he actually thinks I am psycho and needs to take action.

[nauticalpoem]

He would have stuck around until your behavior caused him to want to bolt. He had to work but you couldn't accept that. Until you started pestering him, I suspect he was looking forward to a long sleep then a nice date with you.

 

 

Do you understand the cause and effect here? If it's not clear, please discuss it with your therapist.

 

I do, thank you. It's just at the time I wasn't thinking about the effect of what would happen. I was just depressed, lonely, and being selfish by beginning for attention.

[mystikmind2005]

Players don't tend to be in longterm relationships. I'm reasonably certain they weren't players. They were just men and a pain in the arse.

 

Ahhh, hehehe, yea, men are pain in the asses, so how could i possibly justify to disagree with that last part?? back in opposite universe perhaps?

[Gaeta]

text one night that he didn't respond to.

 

"I'm kinda starting to miss you... :(" to which he also didn't respond to.

 

I called him and he didn't answer.

 

I know you're busy and hope harvest is going well."No response.

 

"I just want to stay friendly."Again, no response.

 

It's so surprising to me that he wouldn't respond.

 

 

I have quickly identified 6 communication he did not answer. My suggestion is for you to learn how to read people in their silence. After your 2nd unanswered text you should have understood he was not interested any longer.

 

This shrink that you are seeing for anxiety does she/he give you ways to counter act this anxiety when it's hitting you? or you just go there and talk about it? A lot of people go see psychologists when it's not what they need. Psychologist will make you understand the source of your anxiety but won't give you tools to manage it. What you need is a support group and you need tricks to deactivate the the thought process that brings on the anxiety. There are key sentences to repeat to yourself and breathing techniques to break down anxiety.

[nauticalpoem]

He is a SECURE personnality type while you are ANXIOUS type.

 

Thank you. If he is truly a secure attachment type shouldn't he be able to be understanding and hopefully forgiving of my actions...? That is of course assuming I get better and this isn't persistent.

[Celeste.Carol]

Thank you. If he is truly a secure attachment type shouldn't he be able to be understanding and hopefully forgiving of my actions...? That is of course assuming I get better and this isn't persistent.

 

 

 

 

Please read Gaeta's post. There is much wisdom there. Men are rarely too busy to send a text that takes 2 seconds out of a gazillion in a day to someone they are really interested in. I have experienced it, men flip when you do their same common behaviors back onto them!

[nauticalpoem]

 

This shrink that you are seeing for anxiety does she/he give you ways to counter act this anxiety when it's hitting you? or you just go there and talk about it? A lot of people go see psychologists when it's not what they need. Psychologist will make you understand the source of your anxiety but won't give you tools to manage it. What you need is a support group and you need tricks to deactivate the the thought process that brings on the anxiety. There are key sentences to repeat to yourself and breathing techniques to break down anxiety.

 

She told me to think about the source of my feelings to help rationalize them. And then think and plan what my action would be so I didn't act in ways I didn't want to. This has been really helpful for me for about a year now, but unfortunately I think it's something that I have to work at over time. A big part of why I am so hurt is because I was really proud of myself with how well I had done. And then I lost control for a few days and I am afraid it ruined everything now.

 

I actually haven't been in therapy for a few months because I moved. I am going to call today and set up an appointment with a psych. Thank you:)

[Redhead14]

Thank you. If he is truly a secure attachment type shouldn't he be able to be understanding and hopefully forgiving of my actions...? That is of course assuming I get better and this isn't persistent.

 

Sweetie, you two didn't spend enough time together or communicating for him to have a "secure" attachment with you.

 

Let this one go. Learn from the situation and be the strong, secure, independent young woman you can be.

 

After some time passes and he sees that you've "mended" your ways, perhaps, he will come around again, but don't wait for him. Go out and have a good time and focus on yourself and your new job

[Gaeta]

Thank you. If he is truly a secure attachment type shouldn't he be able to be understanding and hopefully forgiving of my actions...? That is of course assuming I get better and this isn't persistent.

 

It's not a matter of forgiving you.

 

He was not that into you to start with, then he got turned off by your actions. He does not wish to continue. When someone forgives you it's because they still want to be with you. This guy does not want to be with you.

[nauticalpoem]

It's not a matter of forgiving you.

 

He was not that into you to start with, then he got turned off by your actions. He does not wish to continue. When someone forgives you it's because they still want to be with you. This guy does not want to be with you.

 

This is kinda what I was feeling. Everyone is making me feel like my texts just ruined everything. While I feel like if he likes me he will (or would have) tried even though I was annoying and clingy.

 

Maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better. But I feel like if it's meant to be than he'll try beyond me being crazy.

[Gaeta]

This is kinda what I was feeling. Everyone is making me feel like my texts just ruined everything. While I feel like if he likes me he will (or would have) tried even though I was annoying and clingy.

 

Maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better. But I feel like if it's meant to be than he'll try beyond me being crazy.

 

I don't find your text crazy but they were too much for a very very very young relationship that had just started and too much for a man that was probably dating someone else as well.

[Zippy2000]

Thank you. If he is truly a secure attachment type shouldn't he be able to be understanding and hopefully forgiving of my actions...? That is of course assuming I get better and this isn't persistent.

 

 

No! You are convincing yourself becuase he is secure he will be understanding.

 

I ll have that honest conversation with you. Not every secure person will understand about personnality types. Your learning from me as I ve done a bit of physcology.

 

He might not know whet you are going through but the more you contact him the more he will walk away.

 

He is secure in HIMSELF which means he doesnt need contact communication for self validation.

 

Not everyone is understanding and forgiving. Dont get missued up with empathy and personnality types. They are two different things.

 

Id say for now. Dont do anything for now to LIMIT ANY MORE DAMAGE. let him hear some silence and if he has any forgiveness then he`ll come looking for you.

[Popsicle]

I don't think you're crazy and I think it's sad that you think of yourself as crazy just because you wanted a response. I bet he responds to the people he wants to.

 

I'm sorry that he is not that into you and gave you mixed messages but don't beat yourself up over this. There's nothing wrong with you. You just had a guy who wasn't that into you. Let it go and don't text or see him anymore.

[d0nnivain]

Thank you. If he is truly a secure attachment type shouldn't he be able to be understanding and hopefully forgiving of my actions...? That is of course assuming I get better and this isn't persistent.

 

No. Part of his security is knowing himself. He knows what he is and is not willing to put up with. You chasing him so early on was a red flag to him. Rather than getting bogged down & wondering if you behavior was an aberration he moved on to somebody who was easier (not in a sex way but in an effort way) It's like that he doesn't bear you ill will but that he doesn't want to get involved because he has no faith in your ability to handle an actual problem.

 

And then I lost control for a few days and I am afraid it ruined everything now.

 

I actually haven't been in therapy for a few months because I moved. I am going to call today and set up an appointment with a psych. Thank you:)

 

One step forward two steps back. I understand your frustration. I managed to string together 2 weeks of "good behavior" addressing a problem I have. Then I slid back for one day & something bad happened so I'm back to beating myself up.

 

Good for you for reaching out to get help again

 

 

This is kinda what I was feeling. Everyone is making me feel like my texts just ruined everything. While I feel like if he likes me he will (or would have) tried even though I was annoying and clingy.

 

Maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better. But I feel like if it's meant to be than he'll try beyond me being crazy.

 

If telling yourself that makes you feel better, keep telling yourself that. But understand that the truth is he probably liked you but when you showed this side you were more effort then he was willing to put forth this early. Especially because you knew how busy he was, from his perspective your constant need for validation was more than he wanted to deal with because the man was simply bone tired.

 

Men want to date women who are a pleasure to be around not a burden or an obligation. If they sense you derive validation or part of your self esteem from them, they will run.

 

Work with your therapist to learn to self soothe. Call a friend or family member when you need emotional support, not a new BF (& by new BF i mean anybody you have been dating for less than a year)

[Celeste.Carol]

 

 

 

(Men want to date women who are a pleasure to be around not a burden or an obligation.)

 

It is a two way street though and I get tired of men being given allowances for being cold, non communicative, or tired.

 

 

We all get tired and I have noticed these same men get mighty irritated when the fairer sex says maybe I am tired to their motives, plans, and initiative.

 

 

Men always feel obligated for us to be receptive and kind to their advances and communication.

 

 

We also want to date men who are a pleasure too.

 

 

He could have been honest and told her he was no longer interested, a gentleman will do this, an emotionally avoidant coward will not however.

[d0nnivain]

It is a two way street though and I get tired of men being given allowances for being cold, non communicative, or tired.

 

 

We all get tired and I have noticed these same men get mighty irritated when the fairer sex says maybe I am tired to their motives, plans, and initiative.

 

 

Men always feel obligated for us to be receptive and kind to their advances and communication.

 

 

We also want to date men who are a pleasure too.

 

 

He could have been honest and told her he was no longer interested, a gentleman will do this, an emotionally avoidant coward will not however.

 

True but I got the sense that he was interested. the OP said that she knew he just came off working 40 hours straight . . . not a 40 hour work week where you go home every night but he'd be up for 2 days. Gee he didn't call her. Then she started blowing up his phone. If I were him I'd react just the way he did -- who needs this **** I just want to sleep.

 

Man woman child, you blow up somebody's phone they are going to bail.

[circlesinfinity]

I started seeing this guy about two months ago at a grain elevator I work at. Before that he liked me, but it took him a while to work up the nerve to ask me out. We live a couple hours apart so it was a couple weeks before we could go on an official date. He took me out, bought me dinner and drinks and then we spent all night on a long backroad drive together. We live a couple hours apart and it's the busy time of year for farming, but we made time to Facetime most nights and at least have a short text convo everyday.

 

We went to a rodeo together and had a good time afterward at a dance. He introduced me to his best friend and invited me to stay with them at their friend's house. The next day he started potato harvest which has been extremely busy for him. Usually they work 19-ish hours/day but theres been time he's worked for over 40hours straight. So his texting slowed alot, but every few days he would send me a short text just to sat hi.

 

I am not usually clingy but I do have a lot of relationship anxiety so I ask for reassurance. When he got busy and his texting slowed I asked him "be honest, are you just too exhausted to talk or are you no longer interested?" and he very bluntly said "I'm just exhausted and busy".

 

We periodically talked a bit over the next week, but I sent him a "hey what's up?" text one night that he didn't respond to. I assumed he just got off work early and was asleep by the time I sent it. The next day I jokingly said "hey want to skip work tomorrow and come to ___ with me? :)" and "I'm kinda starting to miss you... :(" to which he also didn't respond to.

 

This trigger my dating anxiety and I had one of my "crazy episodes" as I call them. I called him and he didn't answer.

 

I sent a text that said "Can you please call me? I'm not going to be a bitch I just need to chat for a few mins :)"

 

and "It'd be alot better than you ignoring me"

 

to which he responded "What's up sorry I can't call you?" I got really needy and told him that I needed reassurance that he wanted to date me or for him to tell me that he wasn't interested

 

... and then another text that said "My life would be alot easier if you just talked to me."

 

The next day realized how irrational and "crazy" I sounded so I sent an apology text that said "Oh my gosh. I am so embarrassed. It was a rough night. I know you're busy and hope harvest is going well."

 

No response.

 

The next day I sent a text tellling him that I would be visiting a town beside where he lives (we live a couple hours apart) and asked if I could come see him at work if he wasn't too busy.

 

And another text that said, "I just want to stay friendly."

 

Again, no response.

 

I've sent him a couple snapchats of things I would normally snapchat him. I guess I am kind of trying to act normal.

I am hoping that after harvest is over in a couple weeks he might be interested in talking again. It's so surprising to me that he wouldn't respond. I think his ex was really needy and mean to him so I assume he probably felt like I was starting to act like that. Before harvest things were going so well that is seems like alot to just let go.

 

In a few weeks do you think I should reach out and see if he's interested in talking again?

 

Does anyone have any suggestions about saving my relationship with this boy...

 

NOTE: I have been in therapy for the past year and dealt mostly with how much I struggle with relationship insecurity. With the exception of a couple times (including this) I have been able to control my actions when I am thinking irrationally. I just decided to move back to my hometown and am in a transition where I don't know anyone and am struggling to find a job (AKA I had way to much time to sit around and let relationship anxiety build). I am starting a new job next week so thinks are looking up. I am also already looking to get back into therapy.

Hi nauticalpoem

I am glad you are in therapy for any personal issues that you may have.

 

I can understand your eagerness to know what was going on between you two, however, I don't think it's right that he just ignored you. I think it's immature if someone does not come out and let you know they are not interested in you anymore. I had tell someone this after months of getting to know him because I knew him not wanting to see me often wasn't going to work out.

 

Just don't contact anymore and move on to dating multiple men. (I hate to but it seems like people act differently when you do this, lol!)

Best of luck to you ☺

[perol]

That first post was tough to read, I could almost feel your anxiety heighten over the course of those unanswered communications.

 

There's really nothing more to add, it's obvious that a potentially good thing was ruined by your insecurity.

 

Learn from it, and next time, as someone said "sit on your hands".

 

It can make all the difference in the world.

[nauticalpoem]

True but I got the sense that he was interested. the OP said that she knew he just came off working 40 hours straight . . . not a 40 hour work week where you go home every night but he'd be up for 2 days. Gee he didn't call her. Then she started blowing up his phone. If I were him I'd react just the way he did -- who needs this **** I just want to sleep.

 

Man woman child, you blow up somebody's phone they are going to bail.

 

To be a bit clearer on the situation: he had been in harvest for two weeks so I had barely heard from him. These texts I sent were over a five day period (starting with the "hey what's up text" on wednesday and ending with the text asking if I could go to work with him because I wanted to "stay friendly" on Sunday night). The time he worked 40 hours was actually the time he talked to me most during the two weeks of harvest, but was like a week before I "blew up" his phone. He definitely had been tired, but he had also been on snapchat and Facebook and what really sent me over the edge (when I called him) he had posted a snap story of him drinking at a friends house. Maybe that had to do something work related there, but tired or not I feel like it's kind of rediculous he went from Facetiming me almost every day / texting me every day to not responding at all. Yes, I should have been more understanding but when someone just dissapears like that it feels like the one boyfriend I had that did the same (because realized he'd rather sleep with someone else than be in a LDR with me). I DO need to be more secure, but the situation wasn't great for me.

[JasmineJones]

OP, one of the major red flags with your behaviour is that you keep returning to this thread to try to justify your behaviour. I don't think you are helping yourself by doing this. Your behaviour completely crossed a line, was stalkerish and will almost certainly have alienated this man permanently. It is important that you speak with a therapist. Why are you fixating on this man in this way? What is so special about him?

 

To be a bit clearer on the situation: he had been in harvest for two weeks so I had barely heard from him. These texts I sent were over a five day period (starting with the "hey what's up text" on wednesday and ending with the text asking if I could go to work with him because I wanted to "stay friendly" on Sunday night). The time he worked 40 hours was actually the time he talked to me most during the two weeks of harvest, but was like a week before I "blew up" his phone. He definitely had been tired, but he had also been on snapchat and Facebook and what really sent me over the edge (when I called him) he had posted a snap story of him drinking at a friends house. Maybe that had to do something work related there, but tired or not I feel like it's kind of rediculous he went from Facetiming me almost every day / texting me every day to not responding at all. Yes, I should have been more understanding but when someone just dissapears like that it feels like the one boyfriend I had that did the same (because realized he'd rather sleep with someone else than be in a LDR with me). I DO need to be more secure, but the situation wasn't great for me.

[autumnnight]

OP, one of the major red flags with your behaviour is that you keep returning to this thread to try to justify your behaviour. I don't think you are helping yourself by doing this. Your behaviour completely crossed a line, was stalkerish and will almost certainly have alienated this man permanently. It is important that you speak with a therapist. Why are you fixating on this man in this way? What is so special about him?

 

Exactly. It is usually guys I say this too and not women, but it applies here:

 

You cannot argue or badger yourself into a relationship with someone.

[d0nnivain]

To be a bit clearer on the situation: he had been in harvest for two weeks so I had barely heard from him. These texts I sent were over a five day period (starting with the "hey what's up text" on wednesday and ending with the text asking if I could go to work with him because I wanted to "stay friendly" on Sunday night). The time he worked 40 hours was actually the time he talked to me most during the two weeks of harvest, but was like a week before I "blew up" his phone. He definitely had been tired, but he had also been on snapchat and Facebook and what really sent me over the edge (when I called him) he had posted a snap story of him drinking at a friends house. Maybe that had to do something work related there, but tired or not I feel like it's kind of rediculous he went from Facetiming me almost every day / texting me every day to not responding at all. Yes, I should have been more understanding but when someone just dissapears like that it feels like the one boyfriend I had that did the same (because realized he'd rather sleep with someone else than be in a LDR with me). I DO need to be more secure, but the situation wasn't great for me.

 

With that clarification, this guy lost interest before he was exhausted. Your subsequent behavior -- not taking his silence for an answer -- proved to him that he dodged a bullet.

 

I'm not saying you are a bad person. I am saying in the face of his waning interest, you chasing after him drove him farther & faster away rather than bringing him closer as you desired.

 

You do need to learn to self soothe & let people go, which is easier said than done.

[Celeste.Carol]

OP, one of the major red flags with your behaviour is that you keep returning to this thread to try to justify your behaviour. I don't think you are helping yourself by doing this. Your behaviour completely crossed a line, was stalkerish and will almost certainly have alienated this man permanently. It is important that you speak with a therapist. Why are you fixating on this man in this way? What is so special about him?

 

 

 

I think that is a bit much Jasmine. She was not stalkerish and had some trouble handling her emotions and is seeking help for it. The guy went from 100 to zero with no communication of losing interest. I believe diagnosing others without truly knowing them is insane in itself. You come across as insecure, narcissistic, and extremely irritable and condescending in many posts, but I would refrain from diagnosing you as a possible NPD disorder.