What did you say to end it

[IToldHer]

I will no doubt get shot down in flames but here goes.

 

What did I do to end it? I rang his wife and told her I'd been having an affair with her husband for the past year.

 

I had idolised him. We had mutual friends who vouched what he had said to me about his wife.

 

Our year long affair was already over. It was done and finished. But I couldn't let it go. I wanted to remain friends. He was indifferent.

 

On d-day night he sent me one flippant message too many. It hurt me deeply and I lashed out in anger. I picked up the phone, dialled his wife, confirmed it was her, told her I had been having an affair with her husband, then calmly put the phone down.

 

It was cruel and it was heartless.

 

He must have rung me 50 times that night. I ignored every call. He sent texts which I also ignored that night too.

 

I destroyed his life in a five minute moment of drunken madness and there's not a day go by that I don't hate myself for doing so.

 

I've resigned myself to a life of singledom as I'm not worthy of anything else. I ruined his life to end 'my misery'. I couldn't see another way to stop the vicious cycle at the time.

 

I hate myself more than any of you can hurt me with words of scorn. I ruined two young childrens lives.

 

His wife is divorcing him and he is living in a bedsit.

 

If I could turn back the clock, I would. But I can't, so I live with self-loathing every day instead.

[anika99]

I will no doubt get shot down in flames but here goes.

 

What did I do to end it? I rang his wife and told her I'd been having an affair with her husband for the past year.

 

I had idolised him. We had mutual friends who vouched what he had said to me about his wife.

 

Our year long affair was already over. It was done and finished. But I couldn't let it go. I wanted to remain friends. He was indifferent.

 

On d-day night he sent me one flippant message too many. It hurt me deeply and I lashed out in anger. I picked up the phone, dialled his wife, confirmed it was her, told her I had been having an affair with her husband, then calmly put the phone down.

 

It was cruel and it was heartless.

 

He must have rung me 50 times that night. I ignored every call. He sent texts which I also ignored that night too.

 

I destroyed his life in a five minute moment of drunken madness and there's not a day go by that I don't hate myself for doing so.

 

I've resigned myself to a life of singledom as I'm not worthy of anything else. I ruined his life to end 'my misery'. I couldn't see another way to stop the vicious cycle at the time.

 

I hate myself more than any of you can hurt me with words of scorn. I ruined two young childrens lives.

 

His wife is divorcing him and he is living in a bedsit.

 

If I could turn back the clock, I would. But I can't, so I live with self-loathing every day instead.

 

I have no words of scorn for you. The person most responsible for ruining this family was the MM. He and his family are suffering because of his actions. It's his fault. I think your biggest fault in hurting him and his family was your choice to engage in an affair with him, more so than your choice to tell his wife the truth. Guess everyone's different but to my way of thinking it's wrong for the cheater and the AP to have an affair, it's not wrong to tell the truth about it. I think you did his wife a favor. You gave her the information she needed to make choices about her own life. She has been set free from spending her life with a manipulative cheater and she will probably find love again with somebody better.

 

 

How long ago did this happen? Has the MM tried to restart things with you since his wife kicked him out? Now that he is getting divorced would you consider having a relationship with him?

[olivebranch]

after stating the obvious… which was that i was uncomfortable with so many ridiculously unethical and unfair real facts about the situation

 

(unfair to ALL parties immediate as well as extended- you know, real people's *lives*)

 

i re-stated, calmly and respectfully again (through text a second time- both times within about day of each other) why the whole scenario was unworkable.. in plain and certain terms.

 

there was the usual ridiculous dialog on his end. this could seem redundant in hindsight, but it really helped kill and squander all false hope i may have had and made things quite final.

 

i don't know if he knew that it was the last contact he would have with me…

 

 

but my last word was " yeah "

 

 

and that's all i wrote. then i blocked and deleted his number- the worst i have done is look online at my phone records and i can see his number has been attempting to text.

 

 

i still think looking at the phone bill for his number is really sick… but you know, it takes some time to fully process what the 'h" - "e" - double hockey sticks has just all transpired, sometimes.

 

otherwise there has been absolutely no contact.

 

 

though my story only happened over the course of a couple of months, it seemed to extend for what felt like a lifetime and is very painful- so the details are difficult to write about at this point. he really fooled me though, that's for sure. i feel bad for everyone… i feel bad for my part in things. i was so blind.

[olivebranch]

I will no doubt get shot down in flames but here goes.

 

What did I do to end it? I rang his wife and told her I'd been having an affair with her husband for the past year.

 

I had idolised him. We had mutual friends who vouched what he had said to me about his wife.

 

Our year long affair was already over. It was done and finished. But I couldn't let it go. I wanted to remain friends. He was indifferent.

 

On d-day night he sent me one flippant message too many. It hurt me deeply and I lashed out in anger. I picked up the phone, dialled his wife, confirmed it was her, told her I had been having an affair with her husband, then calmly put the phone down.

 

It was cruel and it was heartless.

 

He must have rung me 50 times that night. I ignored every call. He sent texts which I also ignored that night too.

 

I destroyed his life in a five minute moment of drunken madness and there's not a day go by that I don't hate myself for doing so.

 

I've resigned myself to a life of singledom as I'm not worthy of anything else. I ruined his life to end 'my misery'. I couldn't see another way to stop the vicious cycle at the time.

 

I hate myself more than any of you can hurt me with words of scorn. I ruined two young childrens lives.

 

His wife is divorcing him and he is living in a bedsit.

 

If I could turn back the clock, I would. But I can't, so I live with self-loathing every day instead.

 

i don't think you're horrible either, we all need grace. every human on earth does.

 

hearing that truth was a knife to the heart for her, but better than being knifed in the back for the rest of her life or even one more day by the person in our lives we should be able to trust the most.

 

not that that is absolution for anyone's actions, but it seems to me you are fully aware of that. i hope you can forgive yourself and everyone involved.

[IToldHer]

Anika and Olive - thank you.

 

I have asked myself a million times why did I tell her. Did I hope he'd come to me? No. Did I want to hurt him? No.

 

We had spent the last 3 months of the affair calling it off, connecting again, calling it off, connecting again etc..

 

I was angry at him at that very moment, I admit that, but I also knew that this tormented misery would carry on and on and on ad nauseum unless his wife found out.

 

How many blogs do you read where it's said "Blow the affair open, that's the quickest way to shut it down".

 

Despite being pissed I knew what I was doing. I rang my closest friend and told her what I was going to do. She tried to talk me out of it, but I was in such a wanton destruction mode I didn't care what I was doing.

 

All I cared about was ending the mind-****s once and for all. Well the mind ****s certainly stopped - the actual real horror was as unbearable, if not worse. Devil and deep blue sea??

 

Anika - you asked when this was - it was two years ago. I've spent the last two years hating myself.

 

I finally spoke to MM about a year after d-day - it started off as a very hostile conversation but he then admitted he'd had more dalliances than I knew about because of the nature of his job, which he had finally confessed to his wife.

 

After d-day he trickle truthed about me to her, but then came fully clean. I already knew there'd been others before me but suspected others after me which was the start of our 'argument' on d-day.

 

I lost my job because of our affair. We indirectly worked together and my boss made my life so difficult in the aftermath that I resigned.

 

I've been reading this board for the last 24 hours (I'm on annual leave this week) and I've read posts from women who are about to instigate an affair with a MM - JUST DON'T. Just DON'T go there.

 

You will kid yourself "it is what it is" but you fall for the lies, the flattery, the excitement, the promises.

 

And you will then, one day, realise how you've been played and you WILL hate yourself just like I do.

 

I don't just hate myself for telling his wife. I hate myself for dancing to his tune. Being available when he asked me to be. Feeling sorry for him. Being spurned when I was trying to be a friend..

 

JUST DON'T.

[olivebranch]

I know... Only 2-3 months and it sucked the life out of me. I hear things expressed here I am nowhere capable of putting into words myself at this time.

[nais]

If you didn't have a discovery day and you decided to end the affair, what did you end up saying and was it face to face, text, phone?

 

 

Phone conversation, told him we were breaking up. Was impulsive when you look at how things were for us up to that point, but I sort of just said it and never took it back. I never told him this the entire relationship- He always ended it on his end once or twice, this time it just hit me and I didn't turn back.

[zeldathegreat]

I actually find the love letters to be essentially saying "wow you had it so good and you are throwing it away". I am now writing these letters to you to show you that you are throwing it away, are you sure you want to do that? I mean look how amazing and mature I am. And look how much I love you.

[froz]

Ending a relationship, getting closure and moving on is really one of the hardest things in life I think.

There is no formula and no easy answers.

[yodelwithyu]

I actually find the love letters to be essentially saying "wow you had it so good and you are throwing it away". I am now writing these letters to you to show you that you are throwing it away, are you sure you want to do that? I mean look how amazing and mature I am. And look how much I love you.

 

ZeldaTheGreat, if this comment was for my "love letters," that is EXACTLY what I was saying, save the "are you sure you want to do that." Bahahhahaha \o/

[Dylon]

I feel that a message like that won't do. We all like to end it with a romantic love letter. We have a lot to say, emotions run high at every direction. The message is mixed. I'm the MM. I've done this with her for 9 months trying to end it. We both have. The need for that emotional bond always pull us back together. Each time one of these letters goes out, countless over the months, they send mix messages. I've received so many letters like this and the next day, it's a new day and we get lost in our little fantasy world again. If I receive a letter like this from her, I have similar ones, I would not believe it's the end. I too wrote so many "love" letters to end it, but I too give mix signals whether I reall really want to end it. I haven't talked to her for the longest time, one month, and it didn't stop with a letter. I change my schedule and become less available for her after our last hurtful exchange. Too many tears and hurt for both of us for too long. For everyone involved! I'm going around the net reading about how the OW feels to remind me of how she feels and all the pain. I want to feel it from the other side, so that next time I'm weak when she contacts me, my head spin, I feel that love spark, I will remember our tears and those who have been through this.

[Eagle's-bargain]

If you didn't have a discovery day and you decided to end the affair, what did you end up saying and was it face to face, text, phone?

 

I had said everything possible before hand, finally when encountered with backpedaling on her end (the MW), I gave an ultimatum. Though she did come for me in the beginning, I let her, even then I still gave an ultimatum.

 

I sent an email:

I don't want a half-way [relationship].

And I don't think it sucks there is no "half way". I'm happy there isn't.

To me it's terrible when one loves another, and the other does not.

 

I don't want half of you, parts, and I don't want to give only half of myself.

 

She was fine having me as a "friend" in secret after everything. I was chips all in, or GTFO. That was years ago.

[OneLov]

If you are wondering how you should end it completely and properly, I would say that depends and done differently in each case. But generally, it is no different than how you should end any relationship. The facts and circumstances of each case dictate the manner in which you should proceed. The most important factors are length, depth, and communication medium of the affair. Also, you must consider the emotional maturity of the other person. You should use brevity in your sentiment but ensure you are complete. Unless they lack emotional maturity or could possibly harm you, I would avoid "ghosting."

[MsHopeful0208201689]

Silence speaks louder than any wall of text you send.

 

TRUTH!

 

Honestly, If I were an OW & was ready to end the affair I would go silent/NC without even explaining myself. He doesn't take his vows/marriage seriously then I probably am not going to take him seriously from the start. Therefore when I "disappear", NO EXPLANATION NEEDED

[pooldog]

If you didn't have a discovery day and you decided to end the affair, what did you end up saying and was it face to face, text, phone?

 

I texted this morning that while I love him so much I can no longer bear the pain of being the other woman. I cannot stand the holiday schedule that I will have to put up the tree by myself, cook TG dinner by myself, hiding it, and having to share him as the OW when I want to be the only woman and I want my forever love. We had 6 months. I won't give any man more than 6 months to move a relationship forward to more. It started really good actually, with the promises at the start that he would dump his wife for me. But he almost had a D day where his wife came home from a trip early and called him 30 times when he was with me (she did not find out though) and then he realized he doesn't want to lose his marriage and we sort of switched wheels in that regard and he said if she finds out it is over and she will call the lawyers. I never asked for more. I just observed and I realized at that point that he votes with his feet, not his words and he is not done with his marriage yet.

 

We met at a special event. He did not wear a ring so I had no idea he was married. After 3 hours we were smitten. After 3 dates I found out he was married but he kissed me and I was done from the chemistry. And I said no way but we stayed as friends. Then I gave it a shot and told him I changed my mind on the 4th date. He is the most amazing man I have ever met. No one in my whole life could ever compare on so many levels otherwise why would anyone do this.

 

He was totally totally smitten. Did not have kids. He was recently married to a woman he lived with for a long time who treats him like crap (I have witnessed this), never had his kids, is never home always travels, and is not intimate for over a year. I thought it was a good possibility because I have sat at the dating table listening to stories like this so I said well I am just getting him sooner than his divorce. And it had been a long time (years) since I was with someone. And no one has ever loved me like that for ME. So I risked it.

 

I fell, hard. I have never experienced anything like this where someone loved me so much and there is so much chemistry and we get along - we can be together 24/7 for a week and we love each minute. And I am grateful. But he is married. And he is spending TG and Xmas with his wife in another country for weeks at a time since she is traveling. And I realized he could have had more time with me but he is working on his marriage and I don't like his thoughts after his almost D day. He is not really done as he first said. And I respect that. So I sent the ending text this morning that I can't do this anymore and I am sorry for the pain that causes. And then we emailed each other once and he said he loves me and he is crying and to that I explained very clearly that I am done but if he was not married I would reconsider because I love him but he is married and I respect that and wish him all the best. But I am too sad to say goodbye. Now it is done. He wanted to see me to discuss it and I said no - it is too painful and we have always texted so email is appropriate.

 

And there is pain. But I respect myself and I own my power. I want it all. I want a man who truly loves me and has a decent life to offer. I have learned a lot. If I was ever married and my H cheated I would forgive him. I would understand.

 

I have read this board for a long time. So maybe this story helps others. If it is a good relationship with a promise it is okay but when it is not it is not and men vote with their feet, not their words. And so today, I hit that point. I also would not go too long on and on. And any dating relationship is hard - most don't work out. So we just have to try. I was married 10 years, divorced and then my ex died and I have dated for a long time and then stayed alone for a long time. I have to find the right person for me and my son because I am the mom and the dad. I don't take that lightyly. But one thing is for sure. I would never do an affair again. Ever. I had no idea.

 

Now, I am frozen.

 

Former OW

Edited October 31, 2015 by pooldog

[lftbehind]

If you didn't have a discovery day and you decided to end the affair, what did you end up saying and was it face to face, text, phone?

 

After having LC and breadcrumbs quite a few months, I decided that it needed to end. We communicated mostly by emails only a few times a week and MM would never say much in his emails.

My last email I said: "I've been thinking about everything and this whole thing with us is getting ridiculous. I'm not happy and I'm regretting that it happened. I think that it's best if we don't talk with each other anymore. I wish that it hadn't come to this, but it has." It probably surprised him, because we've never had a fight, but I did tell him being friends with benefits is not what I want.