Being friends after an EA.. Meeting the wife?

[ladydesigner]

The most I've did with this woman is hug and gently touched her hand, knee, and lip... Rest assured I told this woman I'd let her go to let her boyfriend enjoy her fully.. I play for a small local sports team and once I invited her to watch me play and my wife was watching as well, I wanted to introduce them then but I was busy playing. I love my wife but this woman is also intriguing. I'm not looking for an ego boost, she just has a beautiful spirit and if I can't have her as a love partner a friend would do

 

Gently, you have crossed over to the A side my friend. Touching someone's hand, knee and lip (hellooo!) is still touching someone other than your wife. You have already advanced down the slippery slope. Playing with fire if you love your wife.

[Mrs. John Adams]

After flirting and an EA, introducing the wife to the young woman? I think this would decrease the attraction on the MM's side and the OW, since the OW knows the wife and thinks of her as a person instead of non-existence. It's easier to do right when the wife is included. Agreed? Thoughts, feelings, opinions?

 

Do you think this is grounds for MM and the old EA partner to build a genuine friendship without all of the inappropriateness of crossing boundaries?

 

so from your opening post....you have now progressed to inappropriate touching

 

 

you still doubt you have crossed the line and are having an affair?

 

and you would ask is it ok to introduce this woman to your wife so you can all be friends?

 

Good grief

[Try]

The most I've did with this woman is hug and gently touched her hand, knee, and lip... Rest assured I told this woman I'd let her go to let her boyfriend enjoy her fully.. I play for a small local sports team and once I invited her to watch me play and my wife was watching as well, I wanted to introduce them then but I was busy playing. I love my wife but this woman is also intriguing. I'm not looking for an ego boost, she just has a beautiful spirit and if I can't have her as a love partner a friend would do

You cannot unring the bell. You cannot be just friends with someone that you want as a "love partner". You are giving emotional energy to this other woman that you promised to give only to your spouse. By not telling your wife the truth about who this woman really is to you, and how this woman makes you feel, you are still planning on continuing to make lying a part of your relationship with your wife. Studies show that it takes much longer for a betrayed spouse to get over the lying associated with an affair than to get over the sex of an affair. The sick part is that while you will be lying to your wife, you will not be lying to your affair partner as she will know the truth about your wife. Stop making lying a part of who you are.

 

As long as you keep your affair partner around you will never give your wife a chance at a real marriage built on trust.

[BlueDress]

Introducing her to your wife only gives her chance to find the best place to put the knife in your wife's back.

[cocorico]

The most I've did with this woman is hug and gently touched her hand, knee, and lip... Rest assured I told this woman I'd let her go to let her boyfriend enjoy her fully.. I play for a small local sports team and once I invited her to watch me play and my wife was watching as well, I wanted to introduce them then but I was busy playing. I love my wife but this woman is also intriguing. I'm not looking for an ego boost, she just has a beautiful spirit and if I can't have her as a love partner a friend would do

 

You don't spot the problem with this?

[GuessWho36]

I have not spoken with this young woman in about 3 weeks in which feels like 3 years... I miss her energy.

[GuessWho36]

You don't spot the problem with this?

 

No because I think we all make mistakes and at least I didn't make the mistake of consummating our relationship

[GuessWho36]

Introducing her to your wife only gives her chance to find the best place to put the knife in your wife's back.

 

 

I don't think this woman would ever do such a thing..

[GuessWho36]

so from your opening post....you have now progressed to inappropriate touching

 

 

you still doubt you have crossed the line and are having an affair?

 

and you would ask is it ok to introduce this woman to your wife so you can all be friends?

 

Good grief

 

This was in the past.. I realize my actions were inappropriate but I still enjoy her friendship .. Haven't spoken to her in 3 weeks and it feels like forever..

[Mrs. John Adams]

There are a whole lot of people here that have endured their spouse having an emotional relationship with someone else....that also did not "consumate" their relationship.

 

Ask them if it makes them feel any better.

 

 

You asked if it is ok to introduce your wife to the woman you are having an affair with so you can all be friends.

 

The answer you have received from every one on this thread is no.

 

You seem to be trying to convince us all that we are wrong.

 

We are not wrong...you are.

 

and no amount of explaining it to us is going to change the facts.

 

You are emotionally tied up in another woman...you miss her....you want her in your life

 

I think maybe you should tell your wife about this "relationship" and see what she has to say about it...you might be surprised

[cocorico]

No because I think we all make mistakes and at least I didn't make the mistake of consummating our relationship

 

We are not speaking about a mistake. We are speaking about you currently, now, still, stating that "if you can't have her as a love partner, a friend will do".

 

Since I have to spell it out for you:

 

* clearly, you still regret that you can't have her as a love partner. There is still attachment that goes way beyond friendship.

* either she too feels this, or she doesn't.

* if she does, the "friendship" will soon relapse into what it was before.

* if she doesn't, the unrequited love will make the friendship awkward for her.

* you will settle for a friendship, but clearly still hope for "more".

* introducing your BW into this dynamic is not fair to either woman.

* no one in this situation gets what they want. You settle for a friendship while wanting more. She either does the same, or feels obligated to maintain an awkward "friendship" while wanting to move on with her life, away from the pressure of your continued feelings and your W's bemused gaze. Your W feels herself positioned between two people with an obvious history that no one is cluing her in on. That cannot be sustainable. It can only end in tears.

[BlueDress]

I don't think this woman would ever do such a thing..

 

Neither did I. Then she did.

[truncated]

I don't think this woman would ever do such a thing..

 

Don't you see that she already has?

 

She has engaged in inappropriate contact with a man she knows is married and who says he loves his wife.

 

Do you really think she was wishing your wife well when she did that? Did she stop you and say " you're a married man and I am not interested"? Did she tell her significant other about you and what happened between the two of you?

 

It's a two way street. If you engaged in inappropriate contact (i.e.- affair) then so did she.

 

Neither of you should have anything to do with each other, as you have crossed the line and, as the saying goes, you can't unring the bell.

[merrmeade]

The most I've did with this woman is hug and gently touched her hand, knee, and lip... Rest assured I told this woman I'd let her go to let her boyfriend enjoy her fully.. I play for a small local sports team and once I invited her to watch me play and my wife was watching as well, I wanted to introduce them then but I was busy playing. I love my wife but this woman is also intriguing. I'm not looking for an ego boost, she just has a beautiful spirit and if I can't have her as a love partner a friend would do

OP, this was your reply to my post describing how your wife will feel on learning of your EA. You continued minimizing, justifying, denying, and generally refusing to believe that you've done anything wrong. Several posters pointed this out and more.

 

So let me reiterate the same point: Even (what you obstinately insist is) the little you've done, will crush your wife. Just read the threads in this forum. There one recently where the BS merely suspected something because of the spouse's behavior and was utterly devastated and ready to divorce. Others are messed up for years after 'only' an EA..

 

Here's some highly recommended reading with lots of data on attitudes and consequences: Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

[qubist]

Guesswho36: you are in denial my friend, I really believe that you are trying unconsciously to fulfill your emotional desire to be with her, but let's give you that benefit and assume you are absolutely innocent. unless you are completely over the crush you just can't be friend you are not ready for it yet. and you will find yourself attracted more and more, the only way to be a friend in this case if your wife knows all about you and her and she would have to approve it.... and I just don't see that happening.

for your own sake stay away from her for now, your attraction to her will increase if she is close to you but yet can't get to her whether because of her FB or your Wife.

[hestheone66]

I disagree with those that say its going to be bad ..it reallt depends on circumstances hisoeories and personalities.

 

I have an ex lover (original reason for joining LS). After we decided to not be involved romantically or sexually ourbond was unshakeable. He got involved with a woman that he really loved. She appeared to welcome me as his friend but in reality she was a controlling witch. When he finally got over the destruction she caused to many of his friendships we made a pact that any future relationship that either of us had would never interfere with us. Any new gf was vetted by me and I started in a relationship with a very secure man. When he met his current gf I thought she was terrific. We became firm friends as we both loved him and each wanted the best for him similarly my bf has befriended him and understands the qialities that i love in him...

 

We are all open about the past and we all value this friendship.

 

People need to remember that no one owns another

 

QUOTE=m4p;6581083]1) Ask yourself what do you really want? Are you genuinely trying to be open and honest with your wife here or are you just trying to manipulate the situation so that you can have the best of both worlds.

 

2) Tell your wife that you had been texting a young woman with "flirty talk and gentle words". What is her reaction?

 

Show some respect to your spouse and understand that any form of secrecy/hiding/sneaking behind her back is already betrayal. So what if she is just your friend/text buddy and everything is innocent between the both of you? Why would you still need to hide it?

 

Please do steps 1 and 2 before you proceed with this most awesome young lady.

 

Ps: I was an "awesome young lady" too. My xMM was 11 years older than me and he found me super intriguing, interesting, intellectually stimulating, bla bla etc. We were innocent "friends" at first but he still had to delete his texts and call logs before he go home. Then we had a 2 year affair and his marriage nearly ended. I had a boyfriend too but that didnt stop me/us. What did I gain in the end? nothing and a whole load of wisdom to NOT BE INVOLVED in a married man who does not respect his wife.

 

Think about the consequences. You sound like you are taking this lightly, with a "no harm done" attitude.

[purplesorrow]

I disagree with those that say its going to be bad ..it reallt depends on circumstances hisoeories and personalities.

 

I have an ex lover (original reason for joining LS). After we decided to not be involved romantically or sexually ourbond was unshakeable. He got involved with a woman that he really loved. She appeared to welcome me as his friend but in reality she was a controlling witch. When he finally got over the destruction she caused to many of his friendships we made a pact that any future relationship that either of us had would never interfere with us. Any new gf was vetted by me and I started in a relationship with a very secure man. When he met his current gf I thought she was terrific. We became firm friends as we both loved him and each wanted the best for him similarly my bf has befriended him and understands the qialities that i love in him...

 

We are all open about the past and we all value this friendship.

 

People need to remember that no one owns another

 

QUOTE=m4p;6581083]1) Ask yourself what do you really want? Are you genuinely trying to be open and honest with your wife here or are you just trying to manipulate the situation so that you can have the best of both worlds.

 

2) Tell your wife that you had been texting a young woman with "flirty talk and gentle words". What is her reaction?

 

Show some respect to your spouse and understand that any form of secrecy/hiding/sneaking behind her back is already betrayal. So what if she is just your friend/text buddy and everything is innocent between the both of you? Why would you still need to hide it?

 

Please do steps 1 and 2 before you proceed with this most awesome young lady.

 

Ps: I was an "awesome young lady" too. My xMM was 11 years older than me and he found me super intriguing, interesting, intellectually stimulating, bla bla etc. We were innocent "friends" at first but he still had to delete his texts and call logs before he go home. Then we had a 2 year affair and his marriage nearly ended. I had a boyfriend too but that didnt stop me/us. What did I gain in the end? nothing and a whole load of wisdom to NOT BE INVOLVED in a married man who does not respect his wife.

 

Think about the consequences. You sound like you are taking this lightly, with a "no harm done" attitude.

 

People also need to remember the commitments and promises they made to their spouses. As in forsake all others.

[Sandy43]

I disagree with those that say its going to be bad ..it reallt depends on circumstances hisoeories and personalities.

 

I have an ex lover (original reason for joining LS). After we decided to not be involved romantically or sexually ourbond was unshakeable. He got involved with a woman that he really loved. She appeared to welcome me as his friend but in reality she was a controlling witch. When he finally got over the destruction she caused to many of his friendships we made a pact that any future relationship that either of us had would never interfere with us. Any new gf was vetted by me and I started in a relationship with a very secure man. When he met his current gf I thought she was terrific. We became firm friends as we both loved him and each wanted the best for him similarly my bf has befriended him and understands the qialities that i love in him...

 

We are all open about the past and we all value this friendship.

 

People need to remember that no one owns another

 

QUOTE=m4p;6581083]1) Ask yourself what do you really want? Are you genuinely trying to be open and honest with your wife here or are you just trying to manipulate the situation so that you can have the best of both worlds.

 

2) Tell your wife that you had been texting a young woman with "flirty talk and gentle words". What is her reaction?

 

Show some respect to your spouse and understand that any form of secrecy/hiding/sneaking behind her back is already betrayal. So what if she is just your friend/text buddy and everything is innocent between the both of you? Why would you still need to hide it?

 

Please do steps 1 and 2 before you proceed with this most awesome young lady.

 

Ps: I was an "awesome young lady" too. My xMM was 11 years older than me and he found me super intriguing, interesting, intellectually stimulating, bla bla etc. We were innocent "friends" at first but he still had to delete his texts and call logs before he go home. Then we had a 2 year affair and his marriage nearly ended. I had a boyfriend too but that didnt stop me/us. What did I gain in the end? nothing and a whole load of wisdom to NOT BE INVOLVED in a married man who does not respect his wife.

 

Think about the consequences. You sound like you are taking this lightly, with a "no harm done" attitude.

 

 

Maybe I am not reading your post correctly but it seems to me that this is not at all the same situation. Were either of you married at the time or just dating? There is a big difference between having an ex as a friend and trying to get your AP to become friends with your wife.

[ladydesigner]

Were either of you married at the time or just dating? There is a big difference between having an ex as a friend and trying to get your AP to become friends with your wife.[/QUOTE]

 

Isn't that the truth!

[hestheone66]

Was not married. However why resort to contractual understanding when essentially it is about ethics. Ie wfie could understand that his happiness is as important as hers and to expect one partner to find all needs met in or relationship is unhealthy

[cocorico]

I disagree with those that say its going to be bad ..it reallt depends on circumstances hisoeories and personalities.

 

I have an ex lover (original reason for joining LS). After we decided to not be involved romantically or sexually ourbond was unshakeable. He got involved with a woman that he really loved. She appeared to welcome me as his friend but in reality she was a controlling witch. When he finally got over the destruction she caused to many of his friendships we made a pact that any future relationship that either of us had would never interfere with us. Any new gf was vetted by me and I started in a relationship with a very secure man. When he met his current gf I thought she was terrific. We became firm friends as we both loved him and each wanted the best for him similarly my bf has befriended him and understands the qialities that i love in him...

 

We are all open about the past and we all value this friendship.

 

People need to remember that no one owns another

 

1) Ask yourself what do you really want? Are you genuinely trying to be open and honest with your wife here or are you just trying to manipulate the situation so that you can have the best of both worlds.

 

2) Tell your wife that you had been texting a young woman with "flirty talk and gentle words". What is her reaction?

 

Show some respect to your spouse and understand that any form of secrecy/hiding/sneaking behind her back is already betrayal. So what if she is just your friend/text buddy and everything is innocent between the both of you? Why would you still need to hide it?

 

Please do steps 1 and 2 before you proceed with this most awesome young lady.

 

Ps: I was an "awesome young lady" too. My xMM was 11 years older than me and he found me super intriguing, interesting, intellectually stimulating, bla bla etc. We were innocent "friends" at first but he still had to delete his texts and call logs before he go home. Then we had a 2 year affair and his marriage nearly ended. I had a boyfriend too but that didnt stop me/us. What did I gain in the end? nothing and a whole load of wisdom to NOT BE INVOLVED in a married man who does not respect his wife.

 

Think about the consequences. You sound like you are taking this lightly, with a "no harm done" attitude.

 

I don't think the situations are comparable - not just because of the W vs xLover thing, but because you are describing a situation where two people mutually broke up, decided to remain friends, and agreed that all *future* lovers would be screened by each other to pass muster.

 

The OP is describing a pre-existing M, into which he now wants to introduce a "friend" that happens to be someone he is still very much attached to in a "more-than-friends" way. He is not asking his W to screen his future friends, which would be he analogous situation to the one you describe.

[fellini]

Were either of you married at the time or just dating? There is a big difference between having an ex as a friend and trying to get your AP to become friends with your wife.[/QUOTE]

 

Isn't that the truth!

 

 

My WW had a lover who was married before she met me . (She was an OW in other words). When I became involved with her, she introduced us and during the course of a number of years we would spend time together passing through his town. She never told me about her affair with him.

 

When I found out about her A while married to me, I instantly realized, on DDAY, that these two had been lovers. I remembered the way he looked at her, and how tender she was with him, and how she was bothered and commented on certain hygiene habits which I only 10 years later realised is what you say about your lover.

 

I told her that her not telling me about her past with him, while on the one hand was her "private affair", by bringing me into their world, meant she had an obligation to tell me about it. If only to say they had been together for a while.

 

So I don't think we can even separate easily, in terms of feelings of betrayal, past lovers if we are keeping this a "secret". I have told my WW in the past, every time we have met one of my old friends, if in fact she had been involved with me in a relationship or even if we had only slept together for fun. I don't think keeping these things secret helps with trust issues for anyone concerned.

 

I think the OP has to say how he feels about her, that he is not interested in her sexually, if that is true, if he wants to have her around as a friend. His partner needs to know this so she can decide if that is healthy or not, and he needs to respect her wishes in that regard.

 

In the past I have, several times, met woman I found intriguing, exciting, interesting, only to find them unavailable or uninterested. I had no problem being their friend. In some cases, we became extraordinary friends, sharing everything, but never getting into sexual tension about it. Once I had seen it was not going to happen. The chemicals stopped being produced in massive amounts and I could be "just friends".

Edited October 8, 2015 by fellini

[whichwayisup]

What if the wife is not aware of it?

 

Then it's NOT an open and honest friendship. Plus, whatever feelings are there are just being fed, preventing OW from moving on and detaching, finding someone else. It would be a selfish, self serving friendship and damaging to his marriage. Ex AP's cannot be 'friends.'

[whichwayisup]

The most I've did with this woman is hug and gently touched her hand, knee, and lip... Rest assured I told this woman I'd let her go to let her boyfriend enjoy her fully.. I play for a small local sports team and once I invited her to watch me play and my wife was watching as well, I wanted to introduce them then but I was busy playing. I love my wife but this woman is also intriguing. I'm not looking for an ego boost, she just has a beautiful spirit and if I can't have her as a love partner a friend would do

 

Reverse the situation, would you be totally okay if your wife felt the same way towards another man, befriended him, nurtured the friendship, had some feelings for him and then brought him home to meet you so she could keep the friendship? My guess is you wouldn't like it, you'd be hurt and feel a bit jealous too. be honest with yourself.

[autumnnight]

Was not married. However why resort to contractual understanding when essentially it is about ethics. Ie wfie could understand that his happiness is as important as hers and to expect one partner to find all needs met in or relationship is unhealthy

 

His happiness is as important as hers?

 

Lady, this man has been emotionally unfaithful to his wife.

 

MOST people still believe infidelity is wrong. It is one of the few absolutes our loosey goosey "anything goes while we all hold hands" society is allowed to have.

 

NO, you do not have a secret inappropriate relationship with another women and then try to make her your wife's buddy???

 

Sometimes I feel like I am in Bizarro World.