Being friends after an EA.. Meeting the wife?

[SoleMate]

She is just awesome .. I'd have a hard time forgetting her energy & her existence.

That makes it clear it was/is an Emotional Affair.

 

I think my wife would love her too

And THIS makes it clear you're in EA Fog!

[Popsicle]

xOW here... I'm pretty sure she would not want to be your wife's friend.

 

Why do you want to continue being friends so bad?

[eye of the storm]

Having an A is cruel to your W. Letting her become friends with your AP is vicious and evil.

 

If you thing she and your W would be friends then tell you W that you were flirting with this chick, all about her beautiful soul, and hey let's all be chums.

 

I don't know what your W did to make you want to devastate her by letting her become friends with your AP, but it must have been horrific. Only that would explain this.

 

In case you can't tell I'm totally against this idea.

[nightmare01]

If my WW wanted him to be a friend, I would pack her stuff and send them both off to be together. Then from a distance I'd watch the destructive drama unfold.

[m4p]

1) Ask yourself what do you really want? Are you genuinely trying to be open and honest with your wife here or are you just trying to manipulate the situation so that you can have the best of both worlds.

 

2) Tell your wife that you had been texting a young woman with "flirty talk and gentle words". What is her reaction?

 

Show some respect to your spouse and understand that any form of secrecy/hiding/sneaking behind her back is already betrayal. So what if she is just your friend/text buddy and everything is innocent between the both of you? Why would you still need to hide it?

 

Please do steps 1 and 2 before you proceed with this most awesome young lady.

 

Ps: I was an "awesome young lady" too. My xMM was 11 years older than me and he found me super intriguing, interesting, intellectually stimulating, bla bla etc. We were innocent "friends" at first but he still had to delete his texts and call logs before he go home. Then we had a 2 year affair and his marriage nearly ended. I had a boyfriend too but that didnt stop me/us. What did I gain in the end? nothing and a whole load of wisdom to NOT BE INVOLVED in a married man who does not respect his wife.

 

Think about the consequences. You sound like you are taking this lightly, with a "no harm done" attitude.

[Lion Heart]

I feel so connected to her, it's not physical in a sexual way.. She is just awesome .. I'd have a hard time forgetting her energy & her existence. I think my wife would love her too

 

Exactly what "my" Wayward Husband said about his OW on my D Day. That I would've liked her...I would've liked to be friends with her. I WOULD NEVER BE "FRIENDS" with a woman who "entertains" married men. EAs / PAs any Affairs. He was still in Affair Fog. It's an ABSURD NOTION that your faithful wife would want to be friends with your mistress. Yes you're in an Affair.

 

YOU ARE IN AFFAIR FOG!

As if your wife wouldn't notice.

 

You need to go NC to save your marriage.

Stop communicating with your AP.

Don't follow her on social media.

Block all ways for her to contact you.

And tell your wife you've HAD an EA.

Be brave and let her see your descriptions of how you feel about your AP written here.

Blow it out of the water.

Your W might just have wondered why you've been "weird lately".

She may just have been waiting for your disclosure.

 

Persons in A fog think their spouse doesn't know a thing. They FEEL ALOT. "The wife" probably suspects an A anyway. I did. And I was right.

 

Don't assume WHAT your BW would or would not like!

I'd guess she wants the TRUTH!

 

or.... allow your Wayward behaviours to escalate and end up in hell. You ALREADY APPEAR quite tortured over OW.

 

Bring on D Day for Mrs Guess Who. I bet your BW is NOT 36.

 

Lion Heart.

[autumnnight]

And what if the two plan to stop the flirting and truly just like the person for who they are and enjoy the friendship?

 

They are deluded, selfish, and need to grow up, quite simply.

 

It is just plain wrong.

[merrmeade]

My situation proves everything that's been suggested could happen.

I am a older MM that has been talking to a younger woman. Now I want to right my wrong and still keep this woman as a friend & by righting my wrong she can meet the wife. She has a boyfriend now.

EXACTLY what my WH apparently thought. In his case, he hoped that by introducing her to me, she would see the reality of his situation—wife, new baby—and back off. Of course, this begs the question entirely: Why was he unable to stop it himself?

What if the wife is not aware of it?

She will be.....

Assume nothing. You do not know what will happen. I found out decades later.

The line was never crossed physically.. So technically it is still a friendship

This is your mind, compartmentalizing and creating technical definitions and justifications. Clearly you have never considered how outrageously offensive and insensitive this 'technicality' will sound to 'the wife' when (not if) she finds out. Same line of thinking as my WH.

My Ex thought I would have liked his ow too. Funny how you all think that. I don't really fancy women that want my husband.

Not only that, it is utterly insulting to find out later that we were forced on each other in the context of hiding and obfuscating the reality of their 'friendship,' which was anything but.

xOW here... I'm pretty sure she would not want to be your wife's friend. Why do you want to continue being friends so bad?

This is what happened in our case. He tried to bring her into our family circle. She started babysitting for us. I even invited her to my family's vacation house for a weekend with me and my two babies. Then, suddenly she met my husband's brother and over the years, they began treating me like a pariah for reasons neither I nor anyone in the family understood. Not sure I understand this part even now after finding out the truth of her beginning with our family.

 

Furthermore, she did not back off after meeting me but worked circumstances aggressively to be alone with him. She first got WH 'carpool' with her to/from work (2 people do not a carpool make), then got him to help her move. That day they crossed the line.

Holding on to the Emotional Affair partner will hurt her from moving on and finding her own loving husband who deserves her soul for himself.

In my WH's case, she finally realized it wasn't going anywhere with my WH and moved on to his brother, making her my sister-in-law.

technically....an EA has already crossed the line....and i believe it would be impossible to "just" be "family" friends once you have already had an emotional affair.

And what's more, you are adding insult to injury. You think that making 'the wife' and OW friends legitimizes and redeems your inappropriate thoughts and feelings about another woman. You have not only hidden the truth, you intend to use 'the wife' to redress it. Say 'the wife' innocently accepts the relationship and works at it, then later, when the OW—feeling unrequited, disappointed, maybe guilty (maybe bored, angry or just not interested)—decides to move on, she will be rejecting the 'two for one' bargain you forced on her, which is essentially a rejection of your wife's friendship.

 

This is a fact, whether 'the wife' knows at the time or not. But if she does find out later, which can and does happen, this is how she will feel. And whether you acknowledge or rationalize, this is how it is.

 

And what if the OW has ideas of her own? What if she maneuvers circumstances to put you over the friendship line? Is it now a PA (physical affair), a ONS (one-night stand) or an accident? This is what happened to us.

 

And do you see that 'us' in the previous sentence? Your whole approach is that it is YOUR relationship and YOUR choice. All these events affect 'the wife' whether you've told her or not.

 

Chew on this a while.

Edited October 6, 2015 by merrmeade

[MightyPen]

GuessWho36,

 

I'm in a somewhat similar situation, so I'm certainly not in a position to throw stones. Keep that in mind.

 

I think your proposal to introduce the OW to your wife is extreeeeeemely dangerous for everyone involved. You're going to have to do a LOT of lying to "set everything up" and even if you pull that off, it would likely be akin to spinning plates. More lying, more appeasing, and more balancing would all be necessary to keep the plates spinning. And if one shatters on the ground? Well...you know what I mean by that.

 

I too am desperately trying to keep the friendship of a woman with whom I've crossed inappropriate lines. I understand that you find her fascinating and charming. I totally believe that you do, because that's how I feel as well. But will you truly be satisfied with a platonic relationship? That's the question to ask, and I challenge you to be 100% honest with yourself. Take some time to think about it. Not days. I'm talking weeks. Think about it from every angle. Would you still fantasize about her? Would you be jealous of her love life? Would she in any way replace your wife? What does she bring to the table that could form the basis of a true friendship?

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

Just maintain a healthy distance. Get with it.

[qubist]

GuessWho36, the majority of people here speak from experience, can you be just a friend? absolutely but are ready to be just friend? I don't think so and that's the danger.

I'm telling this based on the assumption that you love you wife and want your Marriage to continue, correct me if this is not the case, if you really care about your marriage you need to keep that woman away from your wife for now, you admitted your attraction to her you had flirted with her you are still in full fog, trust me, you are incautiously looking for excuse to be with her somehow and before you realize it it would escalate to who knows, maybe physical or just deep emotional drama which always lead to disaster.

you guys can be just friends but not any time soon

[AlwaysGrowing]

I am a older MM that has been talking to a younger woman. Now I want to right my wrong and still keep this woman as a friend & by righting my wrong she can meet the wife. She has a boyfriend now.

 

 

Older men do not have young women as friends. Older men have older men as their friends.

 

By mentally giving the go-ahead by painting an emotional affair as just friends it only serves to remove one more boundary on the road to a physical affair.

[afoolto no end]

I find this very selfish, you just want to keep your other woman, giving her this much thought and keeping her in your life and wanting to is so disrespectful you sound very entitled.....

this would be a ticking bomb your poor wife........

why don't you just go with the OW and let your wife find someone who isn't so interested in someone else.....how will your wife ever be okay with you again the contrast effect your emotional attachment will just get worse, you will compare to no end and your wife will lose out because you are so intrigued by the Ow. This is an affair whether you believe it or not, your mind is already gone.......

let your wife go, if contact continues

[Lois_Griffin]

What if the wife is not aware of it?

So that's how you're going to 'package' the sh*t sandwich you want to feed your wife - under the guise that bringing her around your wife will 'kill' any interest in her.

 

Give me a break.

 

It's still a sh*t sandwich any way you wrap it. But nice try.

 

It's a horrific slap in the face to the wife and an unforgiveable show of utter disrespect towards her. Keep trying to put more lipstick on the pig - it doesn't change the facts.

 

Deny it all you want, but the truth is, you get OFF on putting the two of them tougher because you get one big ego stroke from it and enjoy the fact that you and this woman have a little secret the wife doesn't know about.

 

In short, only a grade-A a*sshole does this.

Edited October 6, 2015 by Lois_Griffin

[Lois_Griffin]

xOW here... I'm pretty sure she would not want to be your wife's friend.

Popsicle brings up a salient point.

 

What makes you think Lolita WANTS to be your wife's new buddy?

[ladydesigner]

After flirting and an EA, introducing the wife to the young woman? I think this would decrease the attraction on the MM's side and the OW, since the OW knows the wife and thinks of her as a person instead of non-existence. It's easier to do right when the wife is included. Agreed? Thoughts, feelings, opinions?

 

Do you think this is grounds for MM and the old EA partner to build a genuine friendship without all of the inappropriateness of crossing boundaries?

 

MM who do this, do this with hopes that the wife will not find out because...wait for it... she's just a friend

 

See how that one works out for you OP!

[TrustedthenBusted]

Many cheaters will feel compelled to have their spouse and their conquest in the same room, or otherwise force them to meet. This is the most bizzarre aspect of many affairs if you ask me.

 

My wife had two, and literally walked me up to them at her company Xmas parties and introduced me to them. I will never understand why she did that, but she's told me that it had to do with them seeing me, and understanding that she was not married to some loser. I mean....I'm fit, successful and kinda handsome. lol. they were both none of these things.

 

Like I said....it's weird. And a LOT of people in affairs seem to do this.

[spanz1]

I think if there has not been an affair yet, and you want to have this person as a friend without it going over the line, yes inviting the other person and their spouse over for fun times is a good way to diffuse the situation.

 

 

If you two have been heavy petting and kissing, and want to have their spouse meet this person....us why? what would that do. You already cheated. Is this supposed to make your conscience feel better? Is this trying to open up some sort of open marriage fantasy of yours?

 

 

Remember the famous toast: "to our wives and lovers....may they never meet!"

[nightmare01]

Many cheaters will feel compelled to have their spouse and their conquest in the same room, or otherwise force them to meet. This is the most bizzarre aspect of many affairs if you ask me.

 

My wife had two, and literally walked me up to them at her company Xmas parties and introduced me to them. I will never understand why she did that, but she's told me that it had to do with them seeing me, and understanding that she was not married to some loser. I mean....I'm fit, successful and kinda handsome. lol. they were both none of these things.

 

Like I said....it's weird. And a LOT of people in affairs seem to do this.

 

I wonder WHY they do this? My WW did the same thing.

 

I met OM several times. I even asked her once if OM was gay, because he seemed kinda that way. Her answer was "OH NO, DEFINITELY NOT GAY AT ALL". That should have been a sign.. and it seemed odd at the time, but that was when I trusted her completely.

 

Having the AP and the BS actually meet seems dangerous. Violence is a real possibility.

[kgcolonel]

I see this as text book "you're kidding yourself". Even staying in contact is disrespectful.....just the comment of She Doesn't Know....what happened to YOU KNOW?

 

Looking for some self accountability and integrity....just my opinion.

 

Maybe I am too harsh on this one but I know where I'd be coming from if I were the OP.

[Try]

After flirting and an EA, introducing the wife to the young woman? I think this would decrease the attraction on the MM's side and the OW, since the OW knows the wife and thinks of her as a person instead of non-existence. It's easier to do right when the wife is included. Agreed? Thoughts, feelings, opinions?

 

Do you think this is grounds for MM and the old EA partner to build a genuine friendship without all of the inappropriateness of crossing boundaries?

What if the wife is not aware of it?

So you want to have your emotional affair (“EA”) partner make a friendship with your wife, not for the purpose of being a friend that would be a loyal confidant to your wife regardless of who she was married to, but for the main reason of gaining access to you without your wife getting suspicious? Both you and your EA partner will keep the secret of your past EA a secret from your wife, so that you and you EA partner would be on the inside as the “us” to this secret, with your wife being the outsider that you are keeping the secret from. Eventually, should the secret ever come out, your wife will feel played and betrayed at a level unimaginable by you. In your marriage vows you promised to let no one come between you and your wife, yet that is exactly what you are doing.

 

She has a beautiful soul.. Very intriguing woman. She inspires and motivates me

I feel so connected to her

She is just awesome .. I'd have a hard time forgetting her energy & her existence.

I have no “just friends” that I would ever say such things about. These are things people say about their lover or their spouse. You are not just friends with this other woman. All that you are talking about is trying to keep your EA from crossing over to becoming a physical affair.

 

I think my wife would love her too

If you and your EA partner are skilled enough in manipulating her trust, maybe she would, until she found out. Then she would hate her with such a passion.

 

The one universal rule about past EA partners is that you must either forever go full no contact with them, or you must free your spouse with divorce. In either case you need to tell your spouse about the AE affair.

Edited October 6, 2015 by Try

[merrmeade]

OP, pointing out the ramifications of what you're doing to your wife (not "for" her) is not slamming you or unfair, and even the sarcasm and borderline name-calling goes with the territory. You haven't received straightforward answers to your question - because it's not straightforward.

 

Much has been said and is now being repeated. The only thing missing imo is for you to know the one thing you've been avoiding: What would be the effect on 'the wife' should she find out — even if it's "just" an emotional affair? Mostly, she will feel a tidal wave of shock through which incredulity, rage and sadness cycle for months and years. On realizing you consciously tricked and deceived her in order to share deeper, more intimate thoughts and feelings with a younger woman, she will feel rejected, disrespected and devalued.

 

She will feel betrayed. The fact that you kept it a secret will sting because she's been intentionally deceived by the person she was most vulnerable to, whom she should trust the most. She will not be able to trust you or know what to believe since assumptions about you and her life with you are no longer tenable. Unless she's 100% sure of the truth, she will question what she does know. Deception and anything less than a complete, voluntary confession of the full history that excluded her necessarily implies there's more to know because you were hiding it. She will, therefore, question other things about you and your marriage.

[GuessWho36]

The most I've did with this woman is hug and gently touched her hand, knee, and lip... Rest assured I told this woman I'd let her go to let her boyfriend enjoy her fully.. I play for a small local sports team and once I invited her to watch me play and my wife was watching as well, I wanted to introduce them then but I was busy playing. I love my wife but this woman is also intriguing. I'm not looking for an ego boost, she just has a beautiful spirit and if I can't have her as a love partner a friend would do

[TrustedthenBusted]

Many cheaters will feel compelled to have their spouse and their conquest in the same room, or otherwise force them to meet. This is the most bizzarre aspect of many affairs if you ask me.

 

My wife had two, and literally walked me up to them at her company Xmas parties and introduced me to them. I will never understand why she did that, but she's told me that it had to do with them seeing me, and understanding that she was not married to some loser. I mean....I'm fit, successful and kinda handsome. lol. they were both none of these things.

 

Like I said....it's weird. And a LOT of people in affairs seem to do this.

 

Just to be clear...I was UNAWARE of who they were both times. And these instances were 8 years apart.

 

The one time I DID come face to face with OM2, after I was aware of who he was, there was bloodshed.

[Midwestmissy]

in my wh's case, that beautiful spirit turned out to be a woman trying to orally work her way from a crappy lifestyle into mine. I heard all that same garbage - you'd love each other, she's such a good person, she helps people all day. Turned out none of it was true she had a history of marriages and serial cheating. She wasn't respected by anyone, but my wh refused to believe it while it stared him in the face. Thank gawd I never met her.

Edited October 7, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T