She has herpes

[Stage5Clinger]

I met up with a girl I met online, and she informed me that she has genital herpes. I'm glad as hell she told me, but for me, that is a dealbreaker, and I'm absolutely firm on that. (Additionally, I didn't feel her personality was a good match for me, but that's obviously the lesser issue here). My problem is, I need a way to tell her I don't think it's a good idea to keep dating or associating. I want her to get the message, but I don't want to sound too harsh.

 

Suggestions?

 

 

Maybe you should go with the lesser of the two factors here and just tell her that you don't think you two are a good fit.

[TunaInTheBrine]

If you have slept with more than a couple women chances are you have been with someone that has herpes or hPV and has not told you. Both are incredibly common. I think its a little silly to lose interest just because of that but its your call.

 

A couple of months ago, I had what might have been one single genital wart located on my pelvic area. It looked more like a slightly raised mole, and it might have even been one. To be safe, I went to the doctor and had it frozen/killed. The doctor said if it was in fact a wart/HPV (which there was no way to tell for sure), that it was not the strain that causes cancer. In other words, there would literally be no health effects, just the appearance of a wart.

 

I told the woman I was seeing at the time about this and she absolutely flipped her ****, accused me of putting her health at risk since we already had sex, called me all kinds of names, and told me to never talk to/contact her again. Mind you, it was only after we had sex that I even suspected to look into this mole/wart thing (thanks to internet searching and paranoia on STIs). Now, up to this point, this woman and I were heading for relationship territory. We really were a great match in so many ways, and this one issue blew it all up. Today, we don't talk, and the wart/mole/whatever it was is totally gone. None of my previous partners ever report having contracted warts. My doctor even advised me initially to keep my mouth shut about it because of how harmless/prevalent non-cancerous HPV strains are, and many people warned me that the girl would dump me if I mentioned it. I wanted to be an 'ethical' guy and talk about it, and I did, and I anticipated the consequences based on the stigma. But I would want honesty, and so I gave it. I just didn't expect to be berated the way that I was.

 

I share this story because it just goes to show again how harmful stigma is. I mean, this was a completely harmless issue (if it even was an issue), and it turned an otherwise wonderful connection into a cold nightmare literally overnight. Despite my medical intervention, education, and trying to 'hear her out', I was beaten over the head with the shame stick and told to never contact her again. Awful, especially when considering she probably has had or will have HPV in some form during her lifetime (I think the prevalence is something like 95% of the sexually active population will have it at some point). I was very patient with her response, and ultimately I realized that if this was how she handled conflict, imagine what would happen when a REAL conflict happened in the relationship down the line? Maybe I got out in time...

 

Had this country been a little more socially responsible and accurate about sex education, I might have an LTR right now.

Edited October 5, 2015 by TunaInTheBrine

[toolforgrowth]

A few fun facts.

 

1) There is no blood test for hpv. The only way hpv can be detected is by performing a DNA analysis of an abnormal pap smear. This means that, at this time, doctors have no way to test men for hpv. And when a woman gets blood tested for STI's, hpv won't be among them since the blood test doesn't exist.

 

2) Roughly 80 million people are currently infected with gov. 14 million new infections happen every year. Out of that, only 360,000 get genital warts. (Check the CDC website to confirm this).

 

3) The kinds of hpv that cause warts do not cause cancer.

 

4) In 90% of all hpv cases, the human body will clear the infection. 70% happen within the first year.

 

6) 1 in 6 people have genital herpes. Most of them are asymptomatic.

 

7) Doctors usually won't test for herpes unless you specifically tell them to. This means that when you go to the doctor and they say "You're clean", odds are they didn't even check for hsv.

 

I was just tested last week. I have Kaiser Permanente. The doctor said "We test for HIV, chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, hepatitis B and C."

 

I asked, "Can you include hsv also?"

 

He said, "Well, I CAN, but if you've ever had a cold sore as a kid it'll show up positive..."

 

I said, "I've never had a cold sore ever. Please test for that too."

 

He looked at me like was a little crazy, and asked me if I was SURE I wanted to be tested for hsv!

 

My point is this: either be completely abstinent the rest of your life, or accept that you stand an 85% chance of getting hpv at least once in your life, and an almost 20% chance of getting hsv.

 

I don't want to be abstinent.

Edited October 5, 2015 by toolforgrowth

[Photofinish]

OP: You have a right now to date her however...

 

It makes me really upset that some people on here will make herpes seem like the worse thing in the world but they go and have multiple partners.

 

You're not allowed to be freaked out and look down upon people with herpes if you put yourself at risk for it. YOU can get it at any time and may even have it now.

 

It's better then getting HIV or something else.

 

It's just a few bumps. That really all it is . Herpes should honestly be the least of anyone's worries. I have HSV - 1 on my lip and I openly tell people about it .They dont care because most people have it . I break the stigma by saying HERPES and not cold sores. It is herpes too .

[lop98]

I tried dating someone who has herpes. I obsessed over the matter because I was very scared at first (the word itself sounds ugly!), I never second guessed my feelings for him or considered backing off, but I wanted to know what I was getting into, the risks, the symptoms, what it looks like... everything.

 

I learned to scroll down fast on the usual "everyone has it! maybe even you have it! it's 1 in 2 people!" 2 in 1, 80% of Americans... always some ridiculously high number that makes you wonder how that was gathered but anyway.. moving on, I learned that yes, it is just a skin condition and when leading a healthy lifestyle and basic precautions, it doesn't feel like a big deal and the risk is minimal.

 

That said, it is a skin condition that is contagious, that alone warrants having the decency of disclosing it with the person that can easily acquire it during intercourse, it's not a matter of statistics or what it looks like or whether your experience having it has been bearable or 'felt like nothing! just a small bump!', it's having values and knowing someone deserves at least one chance to exercise their right to decide what is best for their own body. Overlooking that has resulted in lawsuits in some states.

 

The fact that this or any skin condition or anything contagious requires discussing it and agreeing to something BEFORE sex... that makes it a big deal, not a huge one but big enough, most people want easy and safe sex and not only they don't want to negotiate it (we all should..), they also don't want a future where in order to get laid, they'll have to disclose an STD they carry.

 

Now, I know the person that gave the guy I wanted to date herpes. I don't know what her habits are or if she's aware that she has to wash her hands when she has an outbreak but she's now gotten it in her eyes, she's constantly struggling with conjunctivitis, also it can easily travel to your butt, and of course there's the risk during pregnancy/labor.

 

So let's have all the sympathy and may an illness not stop us to love someone, but let's not be irresponsible and say it is not a big deal, it may not feel like it is after a good process of shock followed by acceptance, but think for a moment of that moment when you found out you got it and what happened afterwards, it IS a big deal whether you have it or not.

[Erised]

From what I've read, 90 plus percent of people under the age of 40 has HSV (herpes). Mostly it is contracted in childhood.

 

1 in 4 women and 1 in 5 men (because it's easier to catch as a woman) have hsv 2 though only 10% realize they have it. They do not test for HSV in standard STI screenings because the stigma is considered worse than the disease by the CDC recommendation.

Most will never have an outbreak or will never have one they recognize as such. You're less likely to get herpes from someone who knows they have it - and has outbreaks they notice to avoid sex and suppression therapy. The outbreaks are less frequent the longer someone has it even if they have outbreaks. The great masses who are not tested for it (and don't even realize they aren't trsted for it) freaking out about it is kind of funny except for how it speaks to the spread of ignorance.

 

I am hsv2 negative. I dated someone who is positivr who I adored. I never caught it.

[h0000]

Just because you don't mind Herpes doesn't mean its wrong that other people do. It's ridiculous some people say it's not a big deal. Well you can overlook it, good for you. But other people can't, leave them alone. And how does "so many people have it" make it "not a big deal" anyway? Yeah you may not die but it's uncomfortable enough when break out and you don't want to go through it. Yeah you don't know if you already have it, but it doesn't mean you should not avoid any possible chance of being exposed to it.

 

Again, good for you if you don't mind it. But please stop sugar coating the disease. And stop the logic "Stop worrying because you probably already have it"

[h0000]

I. I have had cold sores on my lips before and that is caused by the herpes simplex virus so yes, i have the herpes virus in my system. Most people i know, family members and friends have had cold sores at some point. I dont go around thinking !ah my lufe is over, im an outcast, i have a coldsore, i ruined my life.'

Never had an outbreak on my genitals. If i did, i would struggle. And it is sad because even though i recognise that it is a cold sore in a different location somehow it becomes something else, something shameful when it shouldnt be. Facial cold sores can show up in any mucus membrane including eyes..it can potentially cause serious eyes problems. Yet it is genital herpes that freaks everyone out..

 

Mostly cold scores is hpv-1 and genital herpes is hpv-2 so yeah of course you won't have breakouts in your genital because you don't even have that virus. And of course you don't go around and think your life is over because again you don't have hpv-2 virus.

 

If you did have hpv-2 then yes you would struggle, had you not taken very good care of it . It's nasty enough to have blisters on your mouth, it's only worse to have them down there. Why would anybody want to go through that, KNOWING that there is a chance of catching the virus.

[JGirl83]

Mostly cold scores is hpv-1 and genital herpes is hpv-2 so yeah of course you won't have breakouts in your genital because you don't even have that virus. And of course you don't go around and think your life is over because again you don't have hpv-2 virus.

 

If you did have hpv-2 then yes you would struggle, had you not taken very good care of it . It's nasty enough to have blisters on your mouth, it's only worse to have them down there. Why would anybody want to go through that, KNOWING that there is a chance of catching the virus.

 

I have that virus. It is called herpes simplex. I dont know if i have type 1 or 2 but i have only ever had an outbreak on my face. I know that most facial herpes is caused by hsv1 ( not hvp as you call it)and it used to be the case that genital herpes was caused by hsv2. Nowdays everyone has oral sex and half of newly diagnosed genital herpes is hsv 1. So that fact that i have had a cold sore once means that i can end up giving someone genital herpes. And so do you and most people.

Noone wants to go through that. And im not even saying it is not a big deal. Different things are big deals for different people. But there is a big difference between "i want to go through it" and "noone is ever worth the effort to take the risk". There is always a chance for catching things every time you start a sexual relationship with a new partner...since std checks dont include it most hsv carriers dont know they have it. Which allows them to sit on their high horse thinking of themselves as pure and ****..while they might have it and infect others.

This thread was started by someone who wasnt comfortable with dating a girl with genital herpes. If he feels that way, who am i to say that he is wrong. We all have our dealbreakers. In my first post i simply threw some statistics out there as there are a lot of misconceptions. There are people who dont even know that a coldsore is caused by the same virus as genital herpes.

My other posts were in response to an insensitive comment made by another individual..then comments on my comments , like this one.

Edited October 5, 2015 by JGirl83

[RoseVille]

I'm sure she understands that you don't want to risk contracting a lifelong disease that results in regular breakouts of painful sores. No one is worth going through that.

 

It's not like that for everyone - regular or painful.

 

My ex had it, had two outbreaks ever, said they were very short and only painful when running if his penis was left flopping about with friction.

 

My BFF has it, hadn't had an outbreak in 10 years, and when she did, thought it was a minor yeast infection.

 

Just more of the misinformation about the disease.

 

Myself? I don't have it. But three long-term boyfriends have, and with each of them we eventually went bareback.

 

Personally, I find oral herpes disgusting, and that's what would send me running because I find that revolting. You can see that. You can't see the same sores on someone's vagina or penis. And yet they're basically the same thing, and a cold sore can be passed to the genitals, and somehow folks don't get passed over for having cold sores.

[TunaInTheBrine]

I agree. No one is saying "it's no big deal" as in "let's be irresponsible and do whatever we want and not tell anyone". Quite the opposite. I think we're all here saying that the public is misinformed through scare and religious tactics in our sex education system, that HSV and the majority of strains of HPV will not affect your health any more than getting a pimple would (no exaggeration). A cough is more hazardous to your and others health. Like an above poster stated, HSV and HPV are both so common that most sexually active people have had contact with at least one (likely both) of these viruses, and don't even know it.

 

Having said that, you should always talk about STIs, risk, and protection before having sex with someone new: "When's the last time you had sexual contact? When's the last time you had unprotected intercourse? When was the last time you were tested for STIs? Have you ever carried or been exposed to an STI?"

 

It is the honest thing to do, and no one here is suggesting that people shouldn't disclose certain STIs, just that some really are nothing to worry about. Remember the next time you or someone near you sneezes, because that is public exposure to something with actual health risks, whereas HSV and the majority of HPV strains literally pose zero health risks. This is why we say it's no big deal and that the public overreacts.

 

Lastly, here's a brief Honest-to-God Guide on STIs by Mark Manson that everyone here should read - especially those who are 'freaked out' by the idea of HSV (herpes) or HPV. Your Honest-to-God Guide to STDs

[RoseVille]

Mostly cold scores is hpv-1 and genital herpes is hpv-2 so yeah of course you won't have breakouts in your genital because you don't even have that virus. And of course you don't go around and think your life is over because again you don't have hpv-2 virus.

 

If you did have hpv-2 then yes you would struggle, had you not taken very good care of it . It's nasty enough to have blisters on your mouth, it's only worse to have them down there. Why would anybody want to go through that, KNOWING that there is a chance of catching the virus.

 

You can have 1 on your genitals and 2 on your face. They're not location-specific, they're just typically found in one place or another. So even getting an STD test that says you're free of 2 but have 1 doesn't guarantee you don't have it on your genitals.

[Gaeta]

Every time I get involved in an hsv thread I regret *sigh*. It always turns into a circus of it's a big deal, not it's not.

 

The OP is not even asking if it's a big deal. He was not even interested in pursuing with her before the hsv news so why do we all argue about if he should date her or not.

[deadelvis]

I've had HSV1 on my lips since childhood. Never thought much of it... Got HPV in my 20's. No visible indications of it, but I've passed it to GF's so I know I carry it.

 

Current GF has HSV2 on her genitals. I caught it from her during our first few sexual encounters, using condoms, while she was not having an outbreak. She said I'm the first guy to ever catch it from her. (She's been with a lot of guys too). I got one little strange bump for a couple days and then it went away. Then I got a blood test and came back positive for HSV1 and 2. I know I got it from her because I tested negative right before we started having sex.

 

I've still never had an outbreak. At first it seemed like a really big deal when she told me she had herpes. I was afraid to have sex with her. Then once I caught it from her I was really upset for about a week. Now I forget I even have herpes, unless it comes up in conversation, then I just make jokes about how my only hobby is collecting STD's.

 

I'm not sure how it would impact being single and dating, but since I'm in a relationship, it has actually made things easier, since now I'm not worried about catching it anymore. It was almost a relief to test positive because now I can finally stop worrying about it.

[PogoStick]

I'm dating a girl with genital HSV and I lick her clit like there's no tomorrow! She told me early too, and I could have run. Turns out she's a damn cool chick that I would have missed out on. The sex is top quality for both of us (and we're VERY experienced to make that judgement).

 

But then I'm also educated on the subject. I know transmission even among couples is fairly low (the same for HIV by the way). She's on antivirals, knows her body and condition. So we know she's not contagious about 98% of the year. Since we only get together once a week, most likely her outbreak will occur when we're not together.

 

In the end, you're going to die anyway; and you're going to have far worse health problems in your future to worry about.

 

And one last thing she's learned. For a reasonably attractive person, if you're too afraid to take a chance, there's a line of guys who will.

[Winterina]

haha, I got some news for you. I get more ONS offers and FWB offer than ever. Men think it's no big deal to 'do me' a few of times. It's those that are looking for long term that usually will stop and ask for a pause to think about it.

 

...aaaand there goes my super-awesome plan. Damn it :-(

[Winterina]

Don't have genital herpes. But I get it on my lip once a year or once in two years.

 

So according to someone's logic, nobody should ever kiss me. SSSO many people have this type of herpes and it does not show 99% of the time.

 

So for the guy with numbers 9something something, I have a good news - there is a good chance that you have herpes in one form or another. You just don't know it.

 

But to put an end to useless discussion - there are people who do not feel comfortable about it despite the advances in general knowledge. There are people who don't care about it and are not phased by it. Everyone should act on how they feel. The end.

[h0000]

Noone wants to go through that. And im not even saying it is not a big deal. Different things are big deals for different people. But there is a big difference between "i want to go through it" and "noone is ever worth the effort to take the risk". .

 

I wasn't saying no one is worth take the risk. And I wasn't really directing my post to you, even though I cited your comment. ( was just trying to point out HSV 1 and HSV 2 do make a big difference. Not HPV (typo) but my original argue stands: can't say all herpes virus are the same and you probably only have HSV 1 that's why you don't struggle.Do you have HSV2? Yeah sliiiim chance. Do you wanna risk and see if you can have a break out down there? No, I guess?)

 

Anyway, I just am appalled by some posts here trying to convince everybody to not care about it and even make people who do care about it sound laughable because "well you probably already have it!". Thats just ugly.

[TunaInTheBrine]

Anyway, I just am appalled by some posts here trying to convince everybody to not care about it and even make people who do care about it sound laughable because "well you probably already have it!". Thats just ugly.

 

This is how you interpret my and others motives, who are literally spreading the scientific facts?

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Hsv2 is the only thing you should worry about.

 

According to the cdc, only about 16% of people aged 14-49 years old has hsv2, down from 21% in 1988-1994.

 

Not posting source, do your own research.

Edited October 8, 2015 by DrReplyInRhymes

[h0000]

This is how you interpret my and others motives, who are literally spreading the scientific facts?

 

What's wrong with scientific facts ? I'm scared of those facts I found out. Obviously you don't mind, hoorayyyyy !!

PS, why do you think I'm interpreting "your" motives? is it because you think you do have such motives? LOL

if you don't think you have such motives, good,stay out of it

[Tobin]

But then I'm also educated on the subject. I know transmission even among couples is fairly low

 

Every person that has Herpes II got it from their partner.

[deadelvis]

Every person that has Herpes II got it from their partner.

 

Um? No. I did get it from my partner but plenty of people catch herpes from a stranger. I know a girl who caught it when she was raped. What logic are you using to make that conclusion?

[MzLady]

You already said that personality wise, you didn't think the two of you were a match... so regardless of her having herpes or not, you still still sound like you weren't all that into her. I'm sure it takes a lot of both courage, honesty, and integrity to tell someone something like that... Imagine all the people who don't. So just tell her that you appreciate her honesty and courage, but you just don't see something developing between the two of you, and that you wish her the best of luck.

[Tobin]

Um? No. I did get it from my partner but plenty of people catch herpes from a stranger. I know a girl who caught it when she was raped. What logic are you using to make that conclusion?

 

The only way to get Herpes II is from a sex partner.

 

Voluntarily or otherwise.